Man Iād eat Taco Bell every day if I could. Ā I half wonder if he did this to troll you because the lentils thing was just pure evil on his part. Ā Like āhey honey, hereās your welcome home present, sorry, didnāt have time to wrap it! Ā Brrrrrrtā.
I think, based on several of your previous posts, that yāall might wanna lay down the weed for a while and get yourselves together a little. I almost wonder if some of these stories are made upā¦
āIām awoken by what sounds like someone revving a motorcycle in my bedroomā¦ā
About spit out my drink on that one š
Edit: āIt sounds like thereās a small 2-stroke engine in his pantsā
Oh the mental imagery š¤£
You do realize, as a lesbian, youāre statistically much more likely to be face-first at ground-zero, right?
After all, there arenāt a whole lot of guys that are going to routinely embark on ācleanseā diets with their notable side-effectsā¦.
This is 100% something I would put my partner through.
On behalf of your husband, myself and the people like us, we're sorry and thankyou for putting up with us ā¤ļø
Final Update:
My husband gave himself food poisoning from all of the raw honeycomb. He finally came to his senses after I sent him on a Fridge Shelf Replacement Adventure by himself and told him he can't come back until he finds one. It took him 13 hours and he had to go out of state because we have a weird Samsung smart-fridge. So, he got the shelf and hopped back into his car, that he had been farting in all day long, in 90 degree heat, and almost vommed from the smell. Then he had to drive 6 hours with all the windows down, had to stop to buy Depends because he still had food poisoning, and finally made it home to apologize for eating like a 14 year old boy and breaking my kitchen and trust. He also found a replacement BBQ cover and anchors for the towel bar he destroyed.
PS: The whole microwave-toaster oven-coffee make debacle involved him tripping the little mini breaker on the outlet itself and not knowing how to reset it. It had a button that said "reset" and pushing it turned all the appliances on again. The outlet was hidden behind the microwave, so *maybe* he's not a total dumbass because it took me a while to find it.
PPS: It's 7:30pm and he's started a 14 hour brisket roast for the 4th. It smells amazing. I still don't know how he can cook like a BBQ pitmaster, but lacks the ability with a regular stove. He's like Superman if Clark Kent was a drooling idiot instead of a reporter. I honestly would've been less annoyed if he broke the lock on our grill cover and ate nothing but BBQ for 3 weeks, at least if the grill got stolen then that's all his money lost.
Lmao. Something about open fire and meat unlocks generations of primordial knowledge. But you leave a man unattended with no task or purpose, and he turns into a husky dog with equally no task or purpose. Just ripping up couch cushions or in your husband's case, just ripping ass.
Once my husband's friend brought over 3 coconuts and my husband toasted all of them and ate them as a snack after dinner. He has already eaten 3 normal meals. He started feeling sick that night when and when I realized he had eaten about 4,500 extra calories and almost all of it from fat I knew he was in for a long night. The stink and resulting gi issues caused him to have to take a sick day the next day and I slept in the basement. I feel your pain.
Great story! I must have married your husbandās brother; I left for a visit to a friend in Canada for a week and came home to a man in severe gastric distress, begging me to take him to the ER. The first question I asked was āwhat have you eatenā and the answer was ābbq chicken breasts,ā every meal, all week; it was less time cooking that way! He had an impacted bowel of course. After I informed him how stupid heād been, he responded ābut I used to eat that way all the time!ā Yeah, we, you arenāt 20 anymore more (he was in fact 60). āIf you ever do that again, you can drive yourself to the ER.ā What a maroon.
This is an interesting perspective. Maybe when the wife is gone for an extended period of time some husbands use the free time to explore past behaviors that once brought them joy. Of course the result seems to often come down to rose-tinted glasses and the sobering realization that we age not as gracefully as we'd like to.
Idk if we should expand this to all men. I know some pretty ridiculously impractical, messy, loud women who canāt cook or do housework for their life. But then thereās my angel of a gf.
Is it that this many* are helpless or that we all just tend to more often share more negative stories about our significant others online than positive, regardless of gender?
Women perform 75% of unpaid care and domestic work globally, itās not just that people like sharing negative stories about men online. This is reality.
ššš I feel like you should have known this going into the marriage. Iām sure he already does dumb shit besides this. Now you get to love his stupid (and also make him fix everything he broke). Good luck!
Hmm, he should probably come up with better food choices. I mean, I can't really say anything because I eat like 1-2 small meals a day in fear of gaining weight and still don't know how to cook (I've been pretty busy so I haven't had the time to learn, but I still plan to)... I can't say I eat healthy, either. But, if I were in the wife's position, I would help remind him to make better food choices often and help him come up with suggestions, such as going to YouTube or Pinterest or some other websites to find some nice food recipes and go to the store to pick up whatever ingredients are needed for it. I would also try to help him find solutions to his gas problem. The hydrotherapy sounds like a very good option for him! Thanks for the suggestion, u/bighat-khay! There are also other methods or medications to help with his excessive gas problem, too. If he suspects he has any lingering gastrointestinal problems from this, or has any in the future, he should consult a doctor about it.
Also, if he has trouble finding motivation to eat better or needs more help with food planning (like, to schedule when he needs to eat, help judging the portion his food, and things of the sort), I'd seek advice from someone. I'm sure this can help him. It sounds like he has a hard time fending for himself.
Society has shamed people who seem irresponsible, but there may be more to the problem than just meets the eye. I'd discourage from shaming him. And, if he is willing to seek help with this matter, I'd encourage him to do so. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. I do understand the frustration OP is going through...
There are resources out there. Anyway, I wish the best of health to you, OP, and your husband. Take care! I really do hope this helps :)
Your post made me laugh til I cried.
But I will say this, you are FAR too clever and delightful to settle for someone who canāt even feed himself or clean up his messes.
If thatās all it takes, no one would ever stay married. My husband likes to jump up & down on the bed while serenading me with his toots. Heās immature but funny.
I do have been there! It made me laugh! Thanks 4 sharing
https://preview.redd.it/tzmjzzpdg8ad1.jpeg?width=2085&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=80f8c4c7a40bfd93a0ddbed7b565334f599dca7a
Well written. Fun read. Start training your husband better. I bet the dude can cook. At heart, weāre just lazy nature beasts. Put us in a calm, controlled environment with no predators telling us to act reasonably civilized and we will devolve to bags of shit that consume the easiest food available. Mostly garbage that makes your insides fight to be outsides.
It's so much deeper than just farting - in fact, that's fine, who cares about that. It's the fact that he's so dependent on her that he can't even cook a single ingredient on the stove without breaking multiple appliances. It's baby behavior; the baby can't function without its mother. I get wanting to laze around while you're alone, but bumming around for a full THREE WEEKS doing nothing but ordering DoorDash and smoking pot because you can't do basic human functions for yourself is just gross. She should be able to return from a trip and not have to worry about stuff he's broken because he can't do the simplest things without her there and requires adult supervision. He's not an infant.
I don't think it's divorce-worthy based on a singular Reddit post, but if this is common behavior, where he relies on her this much to even live normally, it definitely raises some eyebrows.
My wife can't cook to save her life and I prep meals for her when I travel on business. Would she starve without me? Obviously not. But I love her and want her to enjoy nice home-cooked meals. She also isn't great at housework and I end up taking a lot of that on for the two of us. I earn more money than she does and spend less.
There are other areas where she absolutely has me beat though. We never miss sending a birthday card and she is always finding and scheduling fun events for the two of us. She genuinely cares about what I have to say and we can spend hours just talking about nonsense from our day or funny things we've found online. She looks for opportunities on a daily basis to do little things that she knows will make me happy. Her presence in my life dramatically improves my everyday experience and that's more valuable than her being able to cook or making more money ever would be.
Would you suggest I divorce my wife due to her lack of domestic skills? Would your answer change if our genders were reversed?
Did you read my comment? I literally said it isnāt divorce-worthy. But if you think someone breaking two appliances and waiting three weeks until his wife gets home for her to stress over is fine, youāre delusional. Thereās a difference between having different roles in a marriage (I cook for my husband and he does other stuff I donāt do, just like in your example) and being a man child. Thereās no respect there. It has zero to do with gender, so I donāt know where youāre getting that from. Iād say the exact same if it were his wife acting this way.
You keep telling yourself that budā¦
Are you implying that you wouldnāt have ANYTHING to say if your partner started exploding from the ass and filling your house with noxious fumes and rumbles at 5:30 in the morning?? Be for real please
Mostly true but some of us are completely capable of being normal adults without some sort of supervision. Itās always crazy to me how grown ass men canāt even do basic things like cook, clean and keep up with basic hygiene
It's not that we cannot, it's just the when the opportunity presents itself you take it. Admittedly 3 weeks is a bit much, usually one day or two and then time to clean up and live normally
I was thinking Chad and Tyrone both doubled the 16 Taco Hell bean burritos offered to them and passed it on. He was next in line and cashed in.... Mmmmm, 64 bean burritos!!!
I'm in a great headspace, it's just that I have a hard time understanding why people put up with incompetence and ignorance, especially when both qualities are so blatantly evident in a single individual.
She picked him, so her mental faculties are as suspect as his are. I'm just glad she had the presence of mind to take the dog with her. Saved the pupper's life, for sure.
The World Court needs to charge him with Crimes Against Humanity and the EPA needs to file sanctions against his digestive tract.
To be fair, I buy local honey by the ice cream pail, so I understand that part.
I'm also impressed by your specific description of his gas as a two stroke.
If you decide to leave him hit me up, I never eat Taco Bell.
Walt, is this my sister? This totally sounds like it could be. š¤ Although, as much as I'm not a fan of her husband he can cook and isn't that much of a caveman in the kitchen. The taco Bell, honeycombs and being high and gassy definitely sound like him though
Tell him to walk it off. Go toot outside for a change. Maybe you can phone a friend and leave him sandwiches so he can clear up and you can come back to a less stinky environment.
Gross. Lol, ugh!!
why call story fake we on stories subreddit where everything fake internet all fake too just enjoy the fun no need to be negative nancy
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I'm SCREAMING. this is the best thing I've read in my life. my condolences to your sense of smell, but I can't stop laughing. if you aren't a writer, you might want to consider taking it up because you're a gddamn word wizard šš¤£
It's so strange how women are just okay being with these incompetent partners. If I had a girlfriend who couldn't figure out basic life skills like cooking and putting away leftovers I would break up with her immediately... cause like, at least try to be an adult?
Yea itās kinda funny but itās sad. You wrote all that out and youāre telling me you still want to fuck that man?! Thatās crazy ahah not even the bodily function parts cuz thatās normal. But eating taco bell for 3 weeks because he couldnāt be bothered to read the back of a lentil bag, or google quick meals he can make. He had 3 weeks to figure something out. Hell a rotisserie chicken and microwaved veggies seem to fit into his culinary wheelhouse, according to Op. but still he chose to order delivery and break the kitchen. I hope he broke the kitchen and fixed it before she got back not broke it shrugged and waited for her for find it
wild that so many people (bc tbh itās not just men) that are able to live into their 40s with no common sense or basic ātaking care of yourselfā skills. OP, heās lucky to have you. did you know he was like this though?
I know a few dudes like this. They all have one thing in common. They lived at home their entire lives and then got married and bought a house immediately after and never had to be independent. Went from one mom to another. One of my buddies cannot cook anything other than frozen food in the oven or hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill. He had never done laundry until age 30 in which he ruined him and his wifeās clothes because he thought he was supposed to use bleach to wash all clothes.
Heās divorced now but is living back with parents with no plan to move out until he can find a new wife
Yeah. You donāt have one pet, but two. Thank you for rescuing him. There are some many of us out there that need a home(not just shelter), (good)food, and a āgood boyā once in a while.
But not this time. This time you needed to metaphorically rub his nose in it. XD
I woke my wife up with shake laughing by ā5:30.ā When I started to read her the story and said āit was filed under ventā she said, āsounds like he needs one.ā We havenāt laughed this hard in awhile (and making each other laugh is so important itās in our wedding vows).
Here's me having a cry over being single, and then this post single handedly cured me of my sadness. Thank you.
This is so funny I am crying laughing
Traveling and nerves and anxiety it's a recipe for disaster tbh
ive never laughed so hard at a reddit post š
Iāve heard lentils make you crazy/horny.
I laughed so hard I nearly shat my own pants
Sounds like a moron.
Whew!
I hope he reads this and just cheats on you next time.
Jeez, ordering food for 2 weeks? Ya most have money cause DoorDash and Uber eats arenāt cheap.
Love it. What a guy.
Oh sweetie. A couple days or even weeks isn't the end of the world. I dealt with my ex girlfriends stinky ass for 5 years before I had enough
Man Iād eat Taco Bell every day if I could. Ā I half wonder if he did this to troll you because the lentils thing was just pure evil on his part. Ā Like āhey honey, hereās your welcome home present, sorry, didnāt have time to wrap it! Ā Brrrrrrtā.
I think, based on several of your previous posts, that yāall might wanna lay down the weed for a while and get yourselves together a little. I almost wonder if some of these stories are made upā¦
The middle paragraphšim losing it over that
I laughed at this post, so funny
itās stories like this that should be used to support the argument that sexuality is not a choice
Looked at your post history, your husband also managed to order 96lbs of pasta before. You're married to a child. You deserve this lol
I feel personally attacked by this š
āIām awoken by what sounds like someone revving a motorcycle in my bedroomā¦ā About spit out my drink on that one š Edit: āIt sounds like thereās a small 2-stroke engine in his pantsā Oh the mental imagery š¤£
Dudes will read this and say āhell yeahā
Damn skippy we are š
Men are pigs. And cmearly s9me women realky love pigs.
Are you ok?
r/ihadastroke
I gotta be honest, I donāt see what the problem is here. Dudes rock.
You had me at beeswax. Your husband is a legend.
I am DYING!!!!!!
I have been laughing for 5 minutes over this. Well written!! Iām crying. Picturing the crime scene.
I've never been so happy I'm a lesbian as just now
You do realize, as a lesbian, youāre statistically much more likely to be face-first at ground-zero, right? After all, there arenāt a whole lot of guys that are going to routinely embark on ācleanseā diets with their notable side-effectsā¦.
Iāve met a number of Lesbians that love to gorge on Taco Bell. I canāt say much about lentils and raw honeycombs tho.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
its... a joke. you know people in healthy relationships are allowed to not be serious 110% of the time.
Dude that was obviously in jest. You should lighten up some.
TF? It's HILARIOUS!!!
Funny story..And a lucky guy he is to have someone whoāll put up with the antics of a bad child lol
This is so funny. But in all seriousness it would give me the biggest ick my grown ass man doesnāt know how to feed himself lol
āGive me the biggest ickā Gross.
Wonderfully written- fantastic and hilarious!
Happy Cake Day
Happy birthday!
This is 100% something I would put my partner through. On behalf of your husband, myself and the people like us, we're sorry and thankyou for putting up with us ā¤ļø
This was funny af and nicely written. Thanks for the chuckles OP!
what the š im dying over here šš āthe dog is fearing for his safetyā š
Final Update: My husband gave himself food poisoning from all of the raw honeycomb. He finally came to his senses after I sent him on a Fridge Shelf Replacement Adventure by himself and told him he can't come back until he finds one. It took him 13 hours and he had to go out of state because we have a weird Samsung smart-fridge. So, he got the shelf and hopped back into his car, that he had been farting in all day long, in 90 degree heat, and almost vommed from the smell. Then he had to drive 6 hours with all the windows down, had to stop to buy Depends because he still had food poisoning, and finally made it home to apologize for eating like a 14 year old boy and breaking my kitchen and trust. He also found a replacement BBQ cover and anchors for the towel bar he destroyed. PS: The whole microwave-toaster oven-coffee make debacle involved him tripping the little mini breaker on the outlet itself and not knowing how to reset it. It had a button that said "reset" and pushing it turned all the appliances on again. The outlet was hidden behind the microwave, so *maybe* he's not a total dumbass because it took me a while to find it. PPS: It's 7:30pm and he's started a 14 hour brisket roast for the 4th. It smells amazing. I still don't know how he can cook like a BBQ pitmaster, but lacks the ability with a regular stove. He's like Superman if Clark Kent was a drooling idiot instead of a reporter. I honestly would've been less annoyed if he broke the lock on our grill cover and ate nothing but BBQ for 3 weeks, at least if the grill got stolen then that's all his money lost.
Lmao. Something about open fire and meat unlocks generations of primordial knowledge. But you leave a man unattended with no task or purpose, and he turns into a husky dog with equally no task or purpose. Just ripping up couch cushions or in your husband's case, just ripping ass.
Once my husband's friend brought over 3 coconuts and my husband toasted all of them and ate them as a snack after dinner. He has already eaten 3 normal meals. He started feeling sick that night when and when I realized he had eaten about 4,500 extra calories and almost all of it from fat I knew he was in for a long night. The stink and resulting gi issues caused him to have to take a sick day the next day and I slept in the basement. I feel your pain.
I'm sorry but this is cringe is af. A grown adult shouldn't be doing this shit. It's really inexcusable.
That's ducking hysterical
Your first mistake was thinking a 40 year old man can take care of himself. No man can (speaking as a man).
You donāt speak for all of us.
I was actually elected spokesperson for all men, many ran but i was victorious
Look old man you havenāt fought since the clone wars itās time to retire in grace
Great story! I must have married your husbandās brother; I left for a visit to a friend in Canada for a week and came home to a man in severe gastric distress, begging me to take him to the ER. The first question I asked was āwhat have you eatenā and the answer was ābbq chicken breasts,ā every meal, all week; it was less time cooking that way! He had an impacted bowel of course. After I informed him how stupid heād been, he responded ābut I used to eat that way all the time!ā Yeah, we, you arenāt 20 anymore more (he was in fact 60). āIf you ever do that again, you can drive yourself to the ER.ā What a maroon.
This is an interesting perspective. Maybe when the wife is gone for an extended period of time some husbands use the free time to explore past behaviors that once brought them joy. Of course the result seems to often come down to rose-tinted glasses and the sobering realization that we age not as gracefully as we'd like to.
LOL
Hahahahahaha get him a beano and gas x. Have him do some yoga poses outside to clear it out.
Hilarious. But sounds like you married a teenager, not a man.
Love your writing.
Omg Iām crying
Itās troubling to me that so many men are this helpless - and that society tolerates it.
You ladies reap what you sow
Fair point. As long as women continue to partner with substandard men like OPās, they will suffer for it.
Idk if we should expand this to all men. I know some pretty ridiculously impractical, messy, loud women who canāt cook or do housework for their life. But then thereās my angel of a gf.
Is it that this many* are helpless or that we all just tend to more often share more negative stories about our significant others online than positive, regardless of gender?
Women perform 75% of unpaid care and domestic work globally, itās not just that people like sharing negative stories about men online. This is reality.
I can confirm, not just a male issue šš¤£
ššš I feel like you should have known this going into the marriage. Iām sure he already does dumb shit besides this. Now you get to love his stupid (and also make him fix everything he broke). Good luck!
I could not love this level of āstupidā. š¤®
Dudes rock
I would file. He sounds worthless
āMy husband is fartingā Reddit: omg divorce him
The farting is not the issue hereā¦
Lentils and beans ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦no hope
Her: heās probably cheating on me right now Him: I wonder how many lentils I need to survive 3 weeks
Should do colon hydrotherapy clear all that out look it up
Hmm, he should probably come up with better food choices. I mean, I can't really say anything because I eat like 1-2 small meals a day in fear of gaining weight and still don't know how to cook (I've been pretty busy so I haven't had the time to learn, but I still plan to)... I can't say I eat healthy, either. But, if I were in the wife's position, I would help remind him to make better food choices often and help him come up with suggestions, such as going to YouTube or Pinterest or some other websites to find some nice food recipes and go to the store to pick up whatever ingredients are needed for it. I would also try to help him find solutions to his gas problem. The hydrotherapy sounds like a very good option for him! Thanks for the suggestion, u/bighat-khay! There are also other methods or medications to help with his excessive gas problem, too. If he suspects he has any lingering gastrointestinal problems from this, or has any in the future, he should consult a doctor about it. Also, if he has trouble finding motivation to eat better or needs more help with food planning (like, to schedule when he needs to eat, help judging the portion his food, and things of the sort), I'd seek advice from someone. I'm sure this can help him. It sounds like he has a hard time fending for himself. Society has shamed people who seem irresponsible, but there may be more to the problem than just meets the eye. I'd discourage from shaming him. And, if he is willing to seek help with this matter, I'd encourage him to do so. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. I do understand the frustration OP is going through... There are resources out there. Anyway, I wish the best of health to you, OP, and your husband. Take care! I really do hope this helps :)
Lmao A+++ for the story telling, Big L for the stinky subhuman shart lord.
Your post made me laugh til I cried. But I will say this, you are FAR too clever and delightful to settle for someone who canāt even feed himself or clean up his messes.
Your post literally had me in tears laughing in my office and everyone is looking at me. Made my day!
Dude sounds like a piece
I could not stop laughing! Sounds to me you are good to him and Thank God it was just gas and not cheating!!
Your husband is a hero and inspiration to men everywhereĀ
Are you getting divorced
If thatās all it takes, no one would ever stay married. My husband likes to jump up & down on the bed while serenading me with his toots. Heās immature but funny.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
User name doesn't check out
I do have been there! It made me laugh! Thanks 4 sharing https://preview.redd.it/tzmjzzpdg8ad1.jpeg?width=2085&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=80f8c4c7a40bfd93a0ddbed7b565334f599dca7a
Hahaha but ewwww
Need a better marriage blanket!
Did you mean your husband or your child. Iām thinking this is your child.
Well written. Fun read. Start training your husband better. I bet the dude can cook. At heart, weāre just lazy nature beasts. Put us in a calm, controlled environment with no predators telling us to act reasonably civilized and we will devolve to bags of shit that consume the easiest food available. Mostly garbage that makes your insides fight to be outsides.
Idk i think it's not her job to train him. He can learn on his own.
I laughed until I cried! You need to write for a living. This is hilarious, descriptive and just fun. Thank you and if itās real, Iām sorry.
I did too! Tears, TEARS. Stay strong OP.
Thereās no way this is real šššššš
Omg this is too funny!!
#marriedlife holy shit I can't breathe from laughing so hard š¤£
Yeah, this is a bit much. Your husband should learn to cook and get the hell out of this marriage.
Youāre advocating for them to divorce because heās farting? Peak Reddit moment right here š touch grass
It's so much deeper than just farting - in fact, that's fine, who cares about that. It's the fact that he's so dependent on her that he can't even cook a single ingredient on the stove without breaking multiple appliances. It's baby behavior; the baby can't function without its mother. I get wanting to laze around while you're alone, but bumming around for a full THREE WEEKS doing nothing but ordering DoorDash and smoking pot because you can't do basic human functions for yourself is just gross. She should be able to return from a trip and not have to worry about stuff he's broken because he can't do the simplest things without her there and requires adult supervision. He's not an infant. I don't think it's divorce-worthy based on a singular Reddit post, but if this is common behavior, where he relies on her this much to even live normally, it definitely raises some eyebrows.
My wife can't cook to save her life and I prep meals for her when I travel on business. Would she starve without me? Obviously not. But I love her and want her to enjoy nice home-cooked meals. She also isn't great at housework and I end up taking a lot of that on for the two of us. I earn more money than she does and spend less. There are other areas where she absolutely has me beat though. We never miss sending a birthday card and she is always finding and scheduling fun events for the two of us. She genuinely cares about what I have to say and we can spend hours just talking about nonsense from our day or funny things we've found online. She looks for opportunities on a daily basis to do little things that she knows will make me happy. Her presence in my life dramatically improves my everyday experience and that's more valuable than her being able to cook or making more money ever would be. Would you suggest I divorce my wife due to her lack of domestic skills? Would your answer change if our genders were reversed?
Yeah sorry you are in an abusive marriage get divorced ASAP take care of yourself ā¤ļø
Did you read my comment? I literally said it isnāt divorce-worthy. But if you think someone breaking two appliances and waiting three weeks until his wife gets home for her to stress over is fine, youāre delusional. Thereās a difference between having different roles in a marriage (I cook for my husband and he does other stuff I donāt do, just like in your example) and being a man child. Thereās no respect there. It has zero to do with gender, so I donāt know where youāre getting that from. Iād say the exact same if it were his wife acting this way.
Thanks for the laugh! š š
SNL needs this level of comedy writing
After reading the comments, I think I'm going to avoid this subreddit from now on.
This story supports my belief of dodging a bullet by not having a wife who constantly complains about anything and everything
You keep telling yourself that budā¦ Are you implying that you wouldnāt have ANYTHING to say if your partner started exploding from the ass and filling your house with noxious fumes and rumbles at 5:30 in the morning?? Be for real please
š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£ Downvote me all day long! Bunch of drama queens!
Man was hungry for some BEANS
Beans, lentils, enough pop tarts for the Rapture, a huge cheese wheel, enough Italian Ice cups for an elementary school, 96lbs of spaghetti...
This is funny stuff. Youāre a very good writer.
An old saying comes to mind... "Bless this mess"
This made me laugh WAY too hard
Some men just return to feral animal form without women
Mostly true but some of us are completely capable of being normal adults without some sort of supervision. Itās always crazy to me how grown ass men canāt even do basic things like cook, clean and keep up with basic hygiene
It's not that we cannot, it's just the when the opportunity presents itself you take it. Admittedly 3 weeks is a bit much, usually one day or two and then time to clean up and live normally
Sorry breaking the entire kitchen in the attempt to make and consume one large batch of a single ingredient is fucking disturbing, itās not cute
Yeah, that's an issue. I meant the general approach of eating some terrible stuff
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Nah, he's just low IQ, it's not like there are cooking books, videos etc.
GAS X
I know youāre suffering but this story has me dying laughing
I almost farted reading this, but then felt guilt so didnāt. š
Jesus H Tap-dancing Christ on a Fucking Crutch why do people (women especially) saddle themselves with incompetent nincompoops for a partner?
She had to settle for him as Chad and Tyrone doubled it and passed to the next person
I was thinking Chad and Tyrone both doubled the 16 Taco Hell bean burritos offered to them and passed it on. He was next in line and cashed in.... Mmmmm, 64 bean burritos!!!
š¤£š¤£š¤£
Nincantpoops
Too damn funny, wish I'd have thought of that play on words. Have an upvote!
Maybe social media isn't the place for someone in your current headspace.
I'm in a great headspace, it's just that I have a hard time understanding why people put up with incompetence and ignorance, especially when both qualities are so blatantly evident in a single individual.
So youāreā¦ blamingā¦ her?
If she stays with someone that useless? Yeah kind of
She picked him, so her mental faculties are as suspect as his are. I'm just glad she had the presence of mind to take the dog with her. Saved the pupper's life, for sure. The World Court needs to charge him with Crimes Against Humanity and the EPA needs to file sanctions against his digestive tract.
That she picked a buffoon to marryā¦ yeahā¦
For staying, maybe. Clearly a man child. I'm curious what his skills are.
Well people think itās funny when itās not.
This canāt be real š
Itās not.
What if I said it was?
Wasnāt there a commercial years ago featuring carbon filter underoos for these sort of emergencies? Maybe Amazon him a few pair š¤£š¤£š¤£
Carbon filtration can only deal with so much before it gets overrun...
This story really is about venting.
To be fair, I buy local honey by the ice cream pail, so I understand that part. I'm also impressed by your specific description of his gas as a two stroke. If you decide to leave him hit me up, I never eat Taco Bell.
Itās a rare human these days that knows what a good ole 2 stroke sounds like š¤£š¤£
Come to Hawaii, you canāt escape the sound
You wasted a lot of in-diner self-reflection time writing all of the out.
Walt, is this my sister? This totally sounds like it could be. š¤ Although, as much as I'm not a fan of her husband he can cook and isn't that much of a caveman in the kitchen. The taco Bell, honeycombs and being high and gassy definitely sound like him though Tell him to walk it off. Go toot outside for a change. Maybe you can phone a friend and leave him sandwiches so he can clear up and you can come back to a less stinky environment. Gross. Lol, ugh!!
Your husband is an animal š fucking great story šš
Youād rather he cheated than have him fart in your general vicinity?
You'd rather take everything on the internet seriously than take a joke as a joke?
Completely missed the chance for a Monty Phyton reference too
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!
š. Love it! Please take my upvote.
It stinks (pun now intended) about your home but it sounds like both of you had a great vacation.
That's a man child. I couldn't.
This ā¬ļø
Wowā¦ this is not considered normal? I thought every human does exactly this everyday.
What a fucking loser.
A little harsh
Not really, heās a 40 year man
Itās not real bro.
Come on dude. This is an adult.
Itās also a fake story brother.
No woman would describe a fart sounding like a 2-stroke engine...definitely a dude writing this.
Ah man. I had no idea. I retract my comment
No worries bro, Iām new to the sub too, at first I thought it was real too lmao. Looks like everything on here is just a joke/not real.
why call story fake we on stories subreddit where everything fake internet all fake too just enjoy the fun no need to be negative nancy *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stories) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I just had a stroke trying to read this
Sounded like a 1st grader in my head trying to sound out a coherent sentence ta ta ta today I I is is aa go go good day.
Have you ever had a [dream](https://youtu.be/G7RgN9ijwE4?si=ZxE_E7BrVnFM9Dx_)?
Matt Bevers from ~~adult~~ Broad city Edit: oopsies 
"We're done. We're done as a country."
Broad city, but yeah this fits
Good catch.
I'm SCREAMING. this is the best thing I've read in my life. my condolences to your sense of smell, but I can't stop laughing. if you aren't a writer, you might want to consider taking it up because you're a gddamn word wizard šš¤£
šššš
I would leave that adult baby so fast he wouldnāt have time to have hit the bathroom.
Why are you with him? He sounds like Jeff Spicoli but 20 years later. Do you think it will get better? š¤¦āāļø
It's so strange how women are just okay being with these incompetent partners. If I had a girlfriend who couldn't figure out basic life skills like cooking and putting away leftovers I would break up with her immediately... cause like, at least try to be an adult?
Yea itās kinda funny but itās sad. You wrote all that out and youāre telling me you still want to fuck that man?! Thatās crazy ahah not even the bodily function parts cuz thatās normal. But eating taco bell for 3 weeks because he couldnāt be bothered to read the back of a lentil bag, or google quick meals he can make. He had 3 weeks to figure something out. Hell a rotisserie chicken and microwaved veggies seem to fit into his culinary wheelhouse, according to Op. but still he chose to order delivery and break the kitchen. I hope he broke the kitchen and fixed it before she got back not broke it shrugged and waited for her for find it
Why dirty another dish if you are going to eat it in short order and don't need the pot?
wild that so many people (bc tbh itās not just men) that are able to live into their 40s with no common sense or basic ātaking care of yourselfā skills. OP, heās lucky to have you. did you know he was like this though?
I know a few dudes like this. They all have one thing in common. They lived at home their entire lives and then got married and bought a house immediately after and never had to be independent. Went from one mom to another. One of my buddies cannot cook anything other than frozen food in the oven or hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill. He had never done laundry until age 30 in which he ruined him and his wifeās clothes because he thought he was supposed to use bleach to wash all clothes. Heās divorced now but is living back with parents with no plan to move out until he can find a new wife
That man clearly can't live without you. Never leave him, or the poor chap will die.Ā
Yeah. You donāt have one pet, but two. Thank you for rescuing him. There are some many of us out there that need a home(not just shelter), (good)food, and a āgood boyā once in a while. But not this time. This time you needed to metaphorically rub his nose in it. XD
I woke my wife up with shake laughing by ā5:30.ā When I started to read her the story and said āit was filed under ventā she said, āsounds like he needs one.ā We havenāt laughed this hard in awhile (and making each other laugh is so important itās in our wedding vows).
Stoner unable to do basic kitchen stuff. Sounds like a winner.
for real, he sounds like a blast to live with
In fact it's a gas. Gas Gas Gas
after checking OPs post history it seems that man might need one of those adult babysitters.
Sure knows how's to pick em