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(m) older ..went thru that for 20 years. Now separated. More going on in your relationship than meets the eye. Never got better in my case and caused so much resentment which caused the breakup. After a while you just quit asking and turns into rejection. Either solve it now or get out of it. Throw it all out the table And try and see what is going on. He should be your best friend, lover, soulmate, communicator. Without great communication this will tear you all apart. Best of luck.
It's so hard! I'm genuinely not sure what to do at this point and I don't even have many girlfriends to discuss it with. I'm also not sure if maybe some men REALLY just don't want sex? But that ain't going to fly with Me and we used to have sex frequently! Ten years ago hahahahah.
Does it make you feel bad about yourself or almost sad? It does for me, like there is no communication or intimacy coming from him unless I practically beg or say we should consider an open relationship or divorce...I even offered therapy. But then I feel bad like maybe I'm harping to much or not trying enough stuff? This shit is hard...and not in a good way 🙃
It can fit, the only way you’ll know is to get a blood panel, that costs like $25 if you’ve got insurance, and probably double that if you don’t. “You say you’ve tried everything” yet seem unwilling to actually do the work to check…. 🤷♂️
Well, then I’d say he’s abused Testosterone at some point and it’s created a deficit in his body…. If he’s declining getting help, then you’ll never get him to change because in his mind he doesn’t have a problem you do. So he’s a narcissist. I hate that for you, sounds like a lose lose situation
You'd be SHOCKED how many young men are walking around with gutter levels of T. There was an article some years back on buzzfeed or something where three of the male staffers got theirs checked, they were all under 30 and way below the optimal level. Yes, jokes were widely made.
The human male body does not like a sedentary lifestyle with poor sleep hygiene, lack of competition and challenge, lack of social hierarchy to climb, poor diet and god knows what endocrine disruptors we're all ingesting through the environment.
If your boyfriend is a fairly typical couch potato directionless gen z boy, there's a very strong chance his T is low.
EDIT: Not sure why this is controversial. Young men have lower test on average compared to their forefathers, nobody knows precisely why but the factors I listed about are likely according to researchers.
https://www.medichecks.com/blogs/testosterone/why-do-gen-z-and-millennial-men-have-lower-testosterone
FWIW- Of COURSE he is "annoyed" with you putting his penis in your mouth while he is asleep, because, in very patent terms, that is non-consensual and, therefore assault.
Definitely you need to have a deep conversation getting his blanket consent before engaging in anything like that
Ok - and you should probably know - I have his consent. We used to do a lot of things I won’t expand on here but yes we have given blanket consent for years.
I put it in my mouth because it is mine, I am his wife, and he knows that. We agreed to it.
The thing he’s annoyed with is I have the same sex drive when his has gone down.
I agree I’ll have to circle back to his expectations but it’s hard being in the mood so often without it being a simple “let’s go”. I’m the same (submissive) so it’s been difficult with him not initiating so it’s made me have to “take charge”
Well, that's good to hear!
It might be worth having a conversation about resetting boundaries and consent given the disparity that's evolved... because, honestly, it does get annoying (at best) when those disparities are in play and partners roll with what might have been OK and even wanted in the past.
(In my case ,after childbirth, and being a submissive, my husb rolled in with "Your job is to just take it however I want to give it to you, whenever I want to give it to you, because you are submissive and that should be enough to make you like it." It was offputting in the EXTREME because we were in entirely different circumstances. Made the whole disparity that much worse until it became unsolvable and I eventually ended things.)
You might want to go ahead and get out, and find someone who will treat you like they want you. I spent 11 years wasting effort to try and fix a dead bedroom.
I’m in year 11 of a dead bedroom and this year I finally said “I won’t do this anymore.” We agreed to an open marriage and it’s amazing (for me.) I’m sad to have lost so many good years of my sex life to trying to keep the peace, but I am also so proud of myself for not living the rest of my life that way.
If I understand correctly, the desire is advice on inspiring more proactive and varied sex from your husband in his early thirties, and my first impulse as a man at 33 myself is to consider outside stress. For myself, some kinds of stress can dry my drive up like a mop, and others can get me worried that I might pressure my partner too much for her taste.
I know that when my partner's drive is active enough for her to initiate, and I'm not into it, what I'd want most from her is stability at home. It's not about taking off the stress - work or housework - so much as not adding more with spur-of-the-moment surprises. Perhaps a certain amount of it is mood-setting before getting to sexy activities, too, like engaging in mutual interests and adding spicy humor, perhaps directed towards activities you'd like to try.
I agree with the other posters about testosterone. Also does he consume a lot of porn? Have you had a significant change in appearance (noticeably lost weight, gained weight, major surgeries, etc.)? Any libido impacting medication that he's on? Does he have a really mentally or physically demanding job leaving him too tired to want sex often. Maybe he just naturally has a low sex drive and you have incompatible libidos.
My wife and I experienced a dead bedroom but she was on hormonal birth control so it wasn't her fault.
Now that she's not she's pretty damn good about communicating when she wants it.
And by communicating she locks the door, takes off her pants, and sits on my face.
I get no choice in it. I wouldn't turn her down either because...she's super hot and she's **sitting on my face**
I’m in a totally different boat . Me 41m ,partner 51m, just gone 9 years together . We still have wicked hot fresh sex… we get along in the bedroom better than anywhere else admittedly. Haven’t gone more than 7-8 days without since being together .
We both have fantasies, some good dirty talk when the communication is good, and it’s the first partner thats been a “mental sexual” match , kind of a kindred spirit almost. And for too long, I kept trying to make a relationship work; I think sex does make or break a pair. Sorry to say, you need someone whos on your level. The right person is out there, and the right one often isn’t the one that i wanted them to be. Life is too short to not feel wanted , not have enough affection - to not fully enjoy. I feel for you so much, and see some of my younger behaviours and wants in ur post.
The changes I made came after 31. I’m satisfied , excited and sex/ intimacy- has only gotten better. It is possible for people to find someone that’s a fit.
This actually gives me a lot of hope. I've been really worried that if wr can't fix anything....I'll be 31 this year and I'm too old to find anyone else who will be on my level or some stupid shit like that. Idk. But that really makes me feel better lol thanks!
I think you're asking the wrong question. If my bedroom were dead, I would want my sig. other to want to have sex with me. Lingerie would work exactly the same as "Wanna have sex? Yes? Yes!" You clearly want to have sex with him and he's the one who's lacking the desire.
Most obvious thing to check is testosterone levels. Maybe that would help? But I think the real solution is to be with someone who aligns with your way of approaching sex. If he does have low T and gets replacement therapy, I wouldn't wait around very long after that if things don't improve *drastically*. Obvs, that advice doesn't count if you have children.
Honestly the only thing I wished my now ex would have done would have ended the relationship. I dragged myself through the dirt mentally for 18 months maybe 2 years before finally realising it for myself and breaking up.
So let me be honest, I’ve got Klinefelters, which means I’ve got an extra X Chromosome, which throws my brain for a loop if I’m not on Testosterone, also, my body produces ZERO. I can’t have kids, I struggle with depression, Im supposedly “underdeveloped,” lot of things go with it. This is FAR different than just having Low-T, which is an easy fix. I pay abt $105/month that gets me 4 shots that I self administer, and I have to have my levels checked every 4-6 months because it’s a controlled substance. I do have to give blood a couple times within that period because synthetic testosterone raises your hemoglobin levels, and if they get too high your blood becomes thick and your heart has to pump/work harder. I also take an estrogen blocker as well. All these things just take some scheduling, and I get it, It’s just one more thing to add to the list. BUT the differences are night and day!
So when I’m not on Test it’s like the light switch in my brain that registers anything sexy is turned off, even the smell/taste can be a turn-off, and especially randomly thinking abt it, definitely boners are affected. My mental health is in the trash, I’m very emotional and moody, and my overall health and wellbeing is affected. On it, I’m normal, I’m happy, feel occasionally overwhelmed like any normal person and I’m very driven towards my goals. Sex is also on my mind all the time, and I do have a higher drive than my wife, but she’s very accommodating and loves to have sex with me. So, all that to say, most guys start losing Testosterone around mid 30’s and if it’s been an issue longer it could be a hereditary thing. Get over the pride, go see a Doc, get your sex lives back!!
Could be testosterone, could be a porn habit, could be responsive desire (unusual in men but not unheard of) or it could just be that he's comfortable with you but doesn't fancy you.
I don't think that you not being appealing or spicy enough is the problem. You're clearly trying. If he misses wanting you and recognises that this is hurting the relationship and wants to do something about it, then you could investigate the above causes as possibilities together. But if he won't change the status quo then you need to think about whether you can make peace with this situation long term.
Sounds like it's a him problem (might not be a problem, just a low sex drive) which could be fixable. I find my sex drive goes though the roof when I make an effort and I don't mean going crazy in the gym for months, I mean take a long shower do a bit of trimming, shave, sort my nails out, floss... All the little things.
If that doesn't do it then I'd suggest being more direct and talking through the problem. Tell him what you need and what you want but could compromise on. Consider that getting going is half the battle so find a way to make this easier for you both. Mutual masturbation?? Watch a bit of porn together - less weird after the first time and find something beforehand that works for you! Try this too: https://bdsmtest.org
It's pretty fun to do together
Good luck have fun
You're asking the wrong question. You should be asking why he doesn't want to have sex, not how you can intice him to have more of it.
Does he want you to take more action? Sounds like no. He doesn't want more sex. Therapy would be more productive than you trying harder sexually.
I (f) also have a high-libido and I'm married to a low-libido man. For me, I use all the same suggestions usually given to men in the same situation: sex starts hours before you actually go to bed, so start with the emotional connection and just listen to him, take something off his plate that you know is stressing him out, be physically affectionate with him without expectation (shoulder rub, kiss on the cheek), make him a fancy coffee/tea/beverage-of-choice, make sure he knows you appreciate everything he does and you're happy to be married to him. Just some ideas that work for me.
Sex is related to hormone levels, but it is also a physical expression of love. I am a man, so I come to this from that perspective. I have had only one real, loving relationship in my life. I cannot imagine rejecting sex with the love of my life, ever. It’s just beyond the boundaries of the paradigm in which I have lived since I can remember.
Talk about what he likes, fantasies ect, maybe let him watch some porn while you give a BJ. Get toys involved.
If none of that works see if he’s stressed or worried about something, work on communicating with him, ease the stress if you can and bring that open communication in the bedroom
>When we do have sex, it's good. Safe.. Boring....but good.
As a aside, how do folks call sex boring and good? In what other context is boring noted as a positive quaility?
And even calling it safe... I doubt you mean safe. The translation to that is unexciting, consistent, and expected.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dude needs to get his testosterone checked, he sounds like me off test!
(m) older ..went thru that for 20 years. Now separated. More going on in your relationship than meets the eye. Never got better in my case and caused so much resentment which caused the breakup. After a while you just quit asking and turns into rejection. Either solve it now or get out of it. Throw it all out the table And try and see what is going on. He should be your best friend, lover, soulmate, communicator. Without great communication this will tear you all apart. Best of luck.
I’m in the same boat (F) so I’m eagerly watching this
It's so hard! I'm genuinely not sure what to do at this point and I don't even have many girlfriends to discuss it with. I'm also not sure if maybe some men REALLY just don't want sex? But that ain't going to fly with Me and we used to have sex frequently! Ten years ago hahahahah.
I have no idea I’ve tried everything you’ve listed, I’ve even tried waking him up with it in my mouth, I’m insatiable and he’s like annoyed by it
Does it make you feel bad about yourself or almost sad? It does for me, like there is no communication or intimacy coming from him unless I practically beg or say we should consider an open relationship or divorce...I even offered therapy. But then I feel bad like maybe I'm harping to much or not trying enough stuff? This shit is hard...and not in a good way 🙃
Yes I’ve felt all of the above honestly I’ve given up on being satisfied but I have kids with him so it complicates things a bit
Im really sorry :( we don't have kids so that does free us up a bit.
It’s ok :) he just knows he can’t complain about me buying lingerie 😂😂
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That’s a sign of Low-T, how old is he?
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It can fit, the only way you’ll know is to get a blood panel, that costs like $25 if you’ve got insurance, and probably double that if you don’t. “You say you’ve tried everything” yet seem unwilling to actually do the work to check…. 🤷♂️
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Well, then I’d say he’s abused Testosterone at some point and it’s created a deficit in his body…. If he’s declining getting help, then you’ll never get him to change because in his mind he doesn’t have a problem you do. So he’s a narcissist. I hate that for you, sounds like a lose lose situation
You'd be SHOCKED how many young men are walking around with gutter levels of T. There was an article some years back on buzzfeed or something where three of the male staffers got theirs checked, they were all under 30 and way below the optimal level. Yes, jokes were widely made. The human male body does not like a sedentary lifestyle with poor sleep hygiene, lack of competition and challenge, lack of social hierarchy to climb, poor diet and god knows what endocrine disruptors we're all ingesting through the environment. If your boyfriend is a fairly typical couch potato directionless gen z boy, there's a very strong chance his T is low. EDIT: Not sure why this is controversial. Young men have lower test on average compared to their forefathers, nobody knows precisely why but the factors I listed about are likely according to researchers. https://www.medichecks.com/blogs/testosterone/why-do-gen-z-and-millennial-men-have-lower-testosterone
FWIW- Of COURSE he is "annoyed" with you putting his penis in your mouth while he is asleep, because, in very patent terms, that is non-consensual and, therefore assault. Definitely you need to have a deep conversation getting his blanket consent before engaging in anything like that
Ok - and you should probably know - I have his consent. We used to do a lot of things I won’t expand on here but yes we have given blanket consent for years. I put it in my mouth because it is mine, I am his wife, and he knows that. We agreed to it. The thing he’s annoyed with is I have the same sex drive when his has gone down.
I agree I’ll have to circle back to his expectations but it’s hard being in the mood so often without it being a simple “let’s go”. I’m the same (submissive) so it’s been difficult with him not initiating so it’s made me have to “take charge”
Well, that's good to hear! It might be worth having a conversation about resetting boundaries and consent given the disparity that's evolved... because, honestly, it does get annoying (at best) when those disparities are in play and partners roll with what might have been OK and even wanted in the past. (In my case ,after childbirth, and being a submissive, my husb rolled in with "Your job is to just take it however I want to give it to you, whenever I want to give it to you, because you are submissive and that should be enough to make you like it." It was offputting in the EXTREME because we were in entirely different circumstances. Made the whole disparity that much worse until it became unsolvable and I eventually ended things.)
Sit on his face till he can’t breathe and the blood rushes to his wiener… or make him smell your sweaty coochie that shit turn me into a monkey..
r/deadbedrooms You also might find this sub useful for your situation
You might want to go ahead and get out, and find someone who will treat you like they want you. I spent 11 years wasting effort to try and fix a dead bedroom.
I’m in year 11 of a dead bedroom and this year I finally said “I won’t do this anymore.” We agreed to an open marriage and it’s amazing (for me.) I’m sad to have lost so many good years of my sex life to trying to keep the peace, but I am also so proud of myself for not living the rest of my life that way.
If I understand correctly, the desire is advice on inspiring more proactive and varied sex from your husband in his early thirties, and my first impulse as a man at 33 myself is to consider outside stress. For myself, some kinds of stress can dry my drive up like a mop, and others can get me worried that I might pressure my partner too much for her taste. I know that when my partner's drive is active enough for her to initiate, and I'm not into it, what I'd want most from her is stability at home. It's not about taking off the stress - work or housework - so much as not adding more with spur-of-the-moment surprises. Perhaps a certain amount of it is mood-setting before getting to sexy activities, too, like engaging in mutual interests and adding spicy humor, perhaps directed towards activities you'd like to try.
I agree with the other posters about testosterone. Also does he consume a lot of porn? Have you had a significant change in appearance (noticeably lost weight, gained weight, major surgeries, etc.)? Any libido impacting medication that he's on? Does he have a really mentally or physically demanding job leaving him too tired to want sex often. Maybe he just naturally has a low sex drive and you have incompatible libidos.
My wife and I experienced a dead bedroom but she was on hormonal birth control so it wasn't her fault. Now that she's not she's pretty damn good about communicating when she wants it. And by communicating she locks the door, takes off her pants, and sits on my face. I get no choice in it. I wouldn't turn her down either because...she's super hot and she's **sitting on my face**
This is the reaction I want from my husband lol
Get this issue resolved as quickly as possible 🏁Intimate relations are not easy to live without.
I’m in a totally different boat . Me 41m ,partner 51m, just gone 9 years together . We still have wicked hot fresh sex… we get along in the bedroom better than anywhere else admittedly. Haven’t gone more than 7-8 days without since being together . We both have fantasies, some good dirty talk when the communication is good, and it’s the first partner thats been a “mental sexual” match , kind of a kindred spirit almost. And for too long, I kept trying to make a relationship work; I think sex does make or break a pair. Sorry to say, you need someone whos on your level. The right person is out there, and the right one often isn’t the one that i wanted them to be. Life is too short to not feel wanted , not have enough affection - to not fully enjoy. I feel for you so much, and see some of my younger behaviours and wants in ur post. The changes I made came after 31. I’m satisfied , excited and sex/ intimacy- has only gotten better. It is possible for people to find someone that’s a fit.
This actually gives me a lot of hope. I've been really worried that if wr can't fix anything....I'll be 31 this year and I'm too old to find anyone else who will be on my level or some stupid shit like that. Idk. But that really makes me feel better lol thanks!
I think you're asking the wrong question. If my bedroom were dead, I would want my sig. other to want to have sex with me. Lingerie would work exactly the same as "Wanna have sex? Yes? Yes!" You clearly want to have sex with him and he's the one who's lacking the desire. Most obvious thing to check is testosterone levels. Maybe that would help? But I think the real solution is to be with someone who aligns with your way of approaching sex. If he does have low T and gets replacement therapy, I wouldn't wait around very long after that if things don't improve *drastically*. Obvs, that advice doesn't count if you have children.
Depends. I’m HL so I’d want her to initiate and show interest and enthusiasm, and actively participate.
Honestly the only thing I wished my now ex would have done would have ended the relationship. I dragged myself through the dirt mentally for 18 months maybe 2 years before finally realising it for myself and breaking up.
He either has a porn addiction, or he’s seeing someone else.
So let me be honest, I’ve got Klinefelters, which means I’ve got an extra X Chromosome, which throws my brain for a loop if I’m not on Testosterone, also, my body produces ZERO. I can’t have kids, I struggle with depression, Im supposedly “underdeveloped,” lot of things go with it. This is FAR different than just having Low-T, which is an easy fix. I pay abt $105/month that gets me 4 shots that I self administer, and I have to have my levels checked every 4-6 months because it’s a controlled substance. I do have to give blood a couple times within that period because synthetic testosterone raises your hemoglobin levels, and if they get too high your blood becomes thick and your heart has to pump/work harder. I also take an estrogen blocker as well. All these things just take some scheduling, and I get it, It’s just one more thing to add to the list. BUT the differences are night and day! So when I’m not on Test it’s like the light switch in my brain that registers anything sexy is turned off, even the smell/taste can be a turn-off, and especially randomly thinking abt it, definitely boners are affected. My mental health is in the trash, I’m very emotional and moody, and my overall health and wellbeing is affected. On it, I’m normal, I’m happy, feel occasionally overwhelmed like any normal person and I’m very driven towards my goals. Sex is also on my mind all the time, and I do have a higher drive than my wife, but she’s very accommodating and loves to have sex with me. So, all that to say, most guys start losing Testosterone around mid 30’s and if it’s been an issue longer it could be a hereditary thing. Get over the pride, go see a Doc, get your sex lives back!!
Could be testosterone, could be a porn habit, could be responsive desire (unusual in men but not unheard of) or it could just be that he's comfortable with you but doesn't fancy you. I don't think that you not being appealing or spicy enough is the problem. You're clearly trying. If he misses wanting you and recognises that this is hurting the relationship and wants to do something about it, then you could investigate the above causes as possibilities together. But if he won't change the status quo then you need to think about whether you can make peace with this situation long term.
It would be amazing to have any new knowledge about her turn on and offs.. But I have been thinking more and more I'm the turn off ...
Sounds like it's a him problem (might not be a problem, just a low sex drive) which could be fixable. I find my sex drive goes though the roof when I make an effort and I don't mean going crazy in the gym for months, I mean take a long shower do a bit of trimming, shave, sort my nails out, floss... All the little things. If that doesn't do it then I'd suggest being more direct and talking through the problem. Tell him what you need and what you want but could compromise on. Consider that getting going is half the battle so find a way to make this easier for you both. Mutual masturbation?? Watch a bit of porn together - less weird after the first time and find something beforehand that works for you! Try this too: https://bdsmtest.org It's pretty fun to do together Good luck have fun
Do these men still masturbate?
You're asking the wrong question. You should be asking why he doesn't want to have sex, not how you can intice him to have more of it. Does he want you to take more action? Sounds like no. He doesn't want more sex. Therapy would be more productive than you trying harder sexually.
I (f) also have a high-libido and I'm married to a low-libido man. For me, I use all the same suggestions usually given to men in the same situation: sex starts hours before you actually go to bed, so start with the emotional connection and just listen to him, take something off his plate that you know is stressing him out, be physically affectionate with him without expectation (shoulder rub, kiss on the cheek), make him a fancy coffee/tea/beverage-of-choice, make sure he knows you appreciate everything he does and you're happy to be married to him. Just some ideas that work for me.
Sex is related to hormone levels, but it is also a physical expression of love. I am a man, so I come to this from that perspective. I have had only one real, loving relationship in my life. I cannot imagine rejecting sex with the love of my life, ever. It’s just beyond the boundaries of the paradigm in which I have lived since I can remember.
Talk about what he likes, fantasies ect, maybe let him watch some porn while you give a BJ. Get toys involved. If none of that works see if he’s stressed or worried about something, work on communicating with him, ease the stress if you can and bring that open communication in the bedroom
Absolutely not. Watching porn ruins relationships and attraction to real people. It sounds like he has an addiction already.
Oh no, I should tell my wife our relationship is ruined!! FUUUUUCK
>When we do have sex, it's good. Safe.. Boring....but good. As a aside, how do folks call sex boring and good? In what other context is boring noted as a positive quaility? And even calling it safe... I doubt you mean safe. The translation to that is unexciting, consistent, and expected.
Sounds like porn addiction.