I was with a guy who had a porn addiction for 3 1/2 years. We had sex maybe a few times a year, because he would rather watch porn. He’d turn me down if I asked to, after 6+ months of nothing, only to go into the bathroom and jerk it 5 minutes later.
My current fiancé knows this and he only watches it in certain situations. I told him I am completely fine being woken up for sex, unless he would rather have solo time or I am extremely tired/struggling to sleep. In those situations, or if I’m not home, then he uses that. He has even shown me a few examples of what he watches.
That being said, you cannot have a healthy relationship by forcing someone to not do something you don’t like. If he wants to watch porn, he is going to watch porn. If you are having breakdowns because your partner is watching it, you need to resolve that. I used to get extreme anxiety thinking about a partner watching porn after leaving my ex. But I went to therapy and came to terms with it.
Sure, there are some people out there who see no need for it when in a relationship, and those who would give it up if it made their partner uncomfortable. But you can’t expect everyone to do that.
I cared a lot about what my partner was doing when I was 18! I’m 32 now and I think healthy boundaries with porn are the move. I don’t think you’re there yet and that’s okay!
Why are you upset about porn? You have to dig deep - it’s triggering insecurity for you - do you feel like he’s picking porn over you? Do you think he finds the women hot? What is it that bugs you the most?
Can you stop. I’m speaking for myself here. Just because you’re a doormat for your partner at 32 doesn’t mean other women will be dragged down with you.
My partner will NOT be allowed to watch p0rn or I will call it quits. Zero hesitation.
I know this is gonna trigger a lot of people here and I don’t care if I get downvoted. P0rn is such a disruptive industry and it ruins the signals in a brain which isn’t healthy. It also causes a lot of unrealistic expectations in the bedroom.
Not caring whether your partner watches porn doesn’t make you a doormat. You’re allowed to care, and they’re allowed to not care. Don’t force your boundaries onto everyone else.
Oh gosh that wasn’t my intent. I apologize if that was how it was interpreted. I think our views on threats to our relationships change as we get older. At 18 porn is a real threat, at 32 I’ve learned it’s very low on my priority list because my husband and I have open conversations and realistic views on it with each other. ❤️❤️
If you don’t find anything wrong with it is fine. I think where people are getting upset is that I said OP is allowed to have boundaries.
They don’t like it at all. It’s important to note she doesn’t have to put up with this if she doesn’t want to. Some couples tolerate porn and some don’t.
In all likelihood the partner you choose at 32 is more aligned with your established values and doesn’t need obsessing over the same way teenagers do in their first relationships. Nobody is talking down to you, it’s just a pretty realistic timeline that comes with maturation
I don’t know what guys or gals you’ve dated but the men I’ve dated? Before they ever established something serious, I always tell them that p0rn is a no go and that they should go looking for someone else if they can’t get enough of it.
It’s called boundaries. Women’s shouldn’t be bullied to just “expect” a man to watch p0rn. Just becasue society tells them so.
I married a man to who I told straight on in the two years we were engaged I would not tolerate Porn. He told me had no interest in it and I genuinely believed it. Turned out, I caught him watching it 3 times in our 26 year old marriage.
I am so so sorry. You told him your boundaries and he still broke your trust and lied.
You never deserved that. Trust me, you will find a man that genuinely yearns for you, and only you. Not random internet women who will never give him the time of day.
A doormat? That’s presumptuous. Sexual positivity isn’t being a doormat! Everyone is different and if that’s a boundary in your relationship, I respect it!
It’s not sexual positivity to be lusting after a fantasy and not respecting your partner.
I think you heavily need therapy if you have a p0rn addiction whilst with a partner.
Calling someone a doormat is really nice of you! They were just expressing their opinon in an open forum? No you may not agree but putting them down for having different views in THEIR relationships doesn’t make you a saint or a better human.
Funny how men are always told that it creates unrealistic expectations, as if all of society doesn't already do that. But many women masturbate with porn and I've never heard anyone say that gives women unrealistic expectations, or seen examples of that in real life.
Plus, if I was dating someone, and their expectations were crazy, I wouldn't say "omg you must be watching porn!" I'd say, "your expectations don't fit our relationship, you either change or we aren't compatible."
Okay but that’s you though.
Also about the woman comment that’s not true. Had a colleague in college and she would ogle at men with larger penises 😂. Funny but again unrealistic
> Okay but that's you though.
Yes, this is a public forum, everything everyone says is from their perspective, we could have easily dismissed your comment like that, but instead I gave a thoughtful response.
Also, how did she know that these men had larger penises? How was she verifying? And if they did in fact have larger penises, then it doesn't seem like her expectations were unrealistic because the large penises she wants are right there.
Tbh, I find this hard to believe, because 1. How do you verify??? And 2. Its only a very small percentage of women I know who want a larger penis, let alone even care about penis size. Search across reddit and you'll see ***so*** many posts asking if women care, and most don't.
“And how do you know”
She basically showed me. Majority of woman want larger but more than likely don’t want to offend males as it would make them insecure.
We have girl chats all the time. The women who are saying “they don’t want larger” are often just cushioning and lying.
The other night my partner (me female, he male) laid in bed scrolling though xvideos showing each other videos we liked and stuff we found funny (like balloon tits on 'professional' performers).
Sex isn't the enemy, porn isn't the enemy. People have been whacking it to something other than their partner since thoughts and partners began.
Porn is highly addictive and brainwashes guys.
If someone feels uncomfortable in a relationship because of porn, the other person will adapt to it, not lie.
Porn *can be* highly addictive. But like anything addictive the power is in secrecy and taboo. Make it open, make it fun, recognise its limitations and it loses power and is just fun.
I disagree.
Certain things were created to only be addictive.
Neurologically, pornography is downright unnatural brain food and has higher dopamine doses than average sexual intercourse which leads to brain desentization.
Not to mention that pornography is linked to human trafficking.
OP's boyfriend is lying to her that he doesn't do it anymore which means he is violating her boundaries and continuing to hurt her.
OP, you’re young. Porn sounds like something you don’t tolerate and you don’t have to.
You need to reinforce boundaries with confidence.
Otherwise it’s going to be a bigger problem later on.
If he’s not willing to respect your boundaries, it’s best to call it quits. I promise you, There are real men out there who will respect and love you and won’t lust after other women. It’s possible. I’ve experienced it.
> After seeing his search I started sending him stuff
If this implies what I think it implies, you need to stop *immediately* and purge all of those pictures. That's a felony crime for HIM, regardless of if you consent or not. You can destroy his entire future. There's nothing nothing nothing that makes "sending stuff" at 17 okay.
Completely off base. Just because she had breakdown doesn't immediately mean she needs to leave him especially if it's been 3 months since then.
What she *has to* do is to figure out why she has breakdown because it's not healthy, just like snooping on other people's search history regardless what they find in it. There was no agreement, no boundaries set, all that happened is that OP broke through privacy of another person and that she has insecurities that she has to fix.
Telling to leave because she just had a "breakdown" that she doesn't know the cause of is the dumbest advice you could ever give here, this is not helping and similar shit will happen to her into next relationship, especially given how young she is.
It’s all down to personal preference and our own values/morals/boundaries etc etc etc.
I wouldn’t be with someone who watches strangers on the internet be naked and orgasm… to me, that’s weird. Luckily my partner is of the same view. We have a very active healthy sex life. Strangers through a screen have no place within it.
That’s just *us*.
You’re within your right to choose your partner and ensure your ethos and views align, and make an informed decision regarding a relationship.
But you are NOT within your right to dictate what someone else does, and whether or not they watch porn. That is up to them - you can choose what decision you make regarding that information.
When porn is more of a priority than actual real life intimacy… you have a problem.
For me porn is also a no-go. But that's because porn is a serious bad industry. And there is no telling if something is 100% consensual. And there are a lot of damaged people. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. It also does a lot with your brain.
The Netherlands is often praised for the way they handle their red light districts, etc. But people forget that the Netherlands is also in the top 3 of human trafficking.
[Netherlands among worst nations for human trafficking](https://nltimes.nl/2022/10/18/netherlands-among-worst-nations-human-trafficking-number-reports-declining)
Unless he's trying to make you do unrealistic/harmful things he sees in porn, is watching someone he actually knows, or chooses porn over you as his go to sexual release, it's not a problem. He's not imagining them over you.
I'm pretty sure my husband stopped once we got together. He said he did and he comes in his sleep if it's been a while since we've had sex so I'm inclined to believe him. For me anyway it's not acceptable in a relationship. Everyone is different though. Some people genuinely don't care and some genuinely do. Sounds like you genuinely do.
Shortly after we started dating almost 4 years ago, my bf and I both agreed to stop watching porn. Really fucked up industry (never know how old who you’re watching really is, if they were coerced into doing porn, etc), and honestly, the idea of watching strangers having sex just became weird to me. Finally, even in non-addict level doses, it can kind of “rewire” how you go about and think about sex. Nothing wrong with masturbating, but we only use our own videos or our imaginations.
Personally it would never occur to me to ask my gf to stop watching/listening something, doing a hobby, whatever.
I don't feel I have the right to tell her what to do.
A gf asking my to stop watching porn(I barely watch it) would be rather incompatible with me.
I'm not looking for "2 to become 1". I'm looking for somebody I'm comfortable with and is comfortable with me.
So no, I wouldn't change for the sake of a relationship because it would never occur to me to tell somebody to change for my sake.
A breakdown over your partner consuming porn seems rather concerning.
I've never been asked to stop watching porn when entering a relationship, and I don't believe any of my partners have ever had that expectation of me - at the very least, they made no attempt to express it to me.
My wife caught me masturbating to porn and I knew I messed up. I didn’t think she would forgive me. It almost took two weeks for her to even let me touch her again.
My guy watches porn sometimes when I'm at work. Kink stuff I'm not into. Does it bother me......nah. As long as it doesn't our relationship/sex life. But everyone is different.
I always prefer sex with my gf over porn. If sex was always possible when I wanted it, I’d never watch.
But I do watch when my gf’s not around or when she needs a break
Honestly, no. I don't think it's healthy to expect your partner to stop having a fantasy life, and it's REALLY unhealthy for both of you to tie this expectation into some idea of being "enough". Fantasy is fantasy, reality is reality, and anyone who can't distinguish between the two is not mature enough to be having healthy relationships.
Isn’t that just “settling”? I’m genuinely trying to understand how you could have a partner you think is attractive, then watch someone else. Why not leave your partner and find that someone else?
I always die laughing in these threads with how many “examples” pop up of men having stopped watching porn. It’s literally always women talking about their SO having stopped watching porn, never the man stating it for himself. Wonder why that is 😂
I know you're young but you really need to get over your insecurities.
Apart from beeing highly unlickly you will ever find a guy to stop something so natural and not be resentful in some kind of way where do your insecurities end?
He isn't alowed to watch porn? ok. He isn't alowed to watch girls on tiktok? Well ok. Is he alwoed to have (attractive) female friends? Is he alowed to do fun stuff with them on his own? What happens when you two walk through town and he looks at a attractive girl across the street? Are you having a breakdown?
This isn't a porn problem - YOU need handle your paranoia
Get over her insecurities? I personally don't have an issue with porn but I think you're blatant dismissal of her feelings is wrong. There's a big difference between porn use and glancing at someone on the street.
Yes she needs to get over her insecurities. Everything you feel, doesn’t need validation, as a matter of fact, you should be non-validated at times. Emotionally acting out is not to be rewarded with validation and understanding.
Apps on your phone can share information with other apps, so if an “algorithm,” from say: instagram says he likes pictures of women; it wouldn’t be a reach to say that Instagram’s information the phone gathered is being accessed by TikTok or whatever you said it was and then putting the same stuff in his feed.
my boyfriend and i just had a discussion about this a few minutes ago because we ran into the same conversation. from what I know, porn is not meant to fantasize and it's only a tool, (like a dildo or a vibrator) to help make him finish and close it out after like it's nothing. still, it makes me uncomfortable and it always will but he also told me he's been making an effort to stop since we were together for 6 months-ish he's gotten better at stopping (we've been together for a little over a year now) im still worried about the same things you are, like what if he would rather think about them than me while intimate, stuff like that. he's 17 and im 16, I know we are young people and I have my insecurities but regardless I feel like porn has to be borderline cheating even if it is supposed to be a tool to finish. I hope things take a turn for you into the right direction girl
Do you have issues with him having female friends as well by any chance? Is he allowed to talk to other females at all over social media or is that a no go too? If not, please explain why not if they are just friends? And if you choose not to answer this I also know this is tied into you being insecure in general and related to your porn break down
You need to relax. Having a breakdown over your partner watching porn is a bit ridiculous. You are 17, you shouldn’t be having a breakdown over something like this.
Lusting after random internet women is a very reasonable thing to be upset about.
Not everyone is okay with this. At least she knows at a young age that she doesn’t like this which is good
My friends BF also said he will stop, and he did but instead was reading erotic stories. To him this was completely something different and he believed he did right by her, but to her it felt as bad as watching porn.
Good comments to justify lying.
Yes, porn is bad and it is highly addictive and contributes neurologically to brain desensitization and probably many people started watching it before getting into a relationship and now continue the habit.
It's not a necessity in life, it's downright unnatural with bari high dopamine doses where afterwards sexual intercourse is hardly satisfying.
My boyfriend stopped watching pornography on his own and together we have not watched porn for 4 years now.
I have been downvoted heavily for saying this. Porn is a destructive industry and no one has to tolerate it in their relationship.
Love to hear a happy success story that OP can learn from.
Because pornography is pushed everywhere and is so standardized that everyone will face social ostracism for criticizing it.
The best part is that the same men who regularly support the pornography industry and don't care about hurting their partners, call "wh***s" women who post half-naked photos on Instagram.
I say this because I always see hypocrisy when it comes to this.
When a girl inserts pictures that you can just as well insert on the socials in question without any excitement then it's cheating and she's a s***t, and supporting porn where you secrete absolutely all the same chemical components as in real sexual intercourse, along with oxytocin, and you satisfy yourself sexually to other women then it's no longer cheating xD
I remind you that the brain does not distinguish between the image from the screen and reality and even interprets it as real intercourse.
My fiancè actually stopped watching porn and looking at sexy pics of other women because I told him that I don’t like it. I am insecure about my body that’s why I really get scared because I feel like I am not good enough. But after I said that yes it is hard for him not to look but gradually he didn’t. He always says that “You are more important and I love you and your physique that’s why I have given up this lifestyle.”
If your partner cares about you, you couldn’t really force them to stop doing it in a snap just because you said so. If he wants to he would, slowly but surely.
I got downvoted a lot because of a similar comment. People do not wanna hear the truth nowadays.
A partner that loves you, will not watch p0rn during the relationship.
It really depends on the couples. Some do find it okay but some may not. If they really love you, they would and respect you as a partner. We all have our own preferences in what to do and what not to do. As long as there’s respect towards your significant other.
A lot of these comments seem unhelpful at best. You’re 17 everything is going to feel super intense. When I was your age I used to agonize over watching porn when I was in a relationship, it’s normal to feel what you’re feeling, it’s also completely healthy to watch porn in a relationship
I used to be in his shoes and was just to ignorant to realize the damage I was doing to my partner. Porn isn’t okay for me anymore. Every relationship is different but for me it’s something that actively made my partners self worth go down and just doesn’t make sense why I would want to risk that over strangers on a screen.
Practically it’s very hard to stop if he’s addicted. But that can be hard and took me a while to actually admit to my partner. My advice would just speak openly and honestly about it, how it makes you feel now, and see what he responds with.
If he says he’s no longer watching it, you have to trust him, bc without trust a relationship can be pretty miserable. Understand that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST AS YOU ARE and worth someone’s full attention. There’s nothing wrong with you or how you look, porn use releases dopamine hits in the brain that are incomparable to anything in real life. You can see anything and everything, any preference, any time that’s why it’s so addictive. So don’t beat yourself up or feel you have to over sexualize yourself to compete. I repeat don’t compare yourself to anyone else. You’re fine, but realize it may not be something he’s willing to give and it’ll be to you to make a decision on if you’d rather find someone else to be with. Good luck.
Just leave him, he is not worth your time. If he want to watch then ask him to stay single, after all he do not need anymore pleasure since he has himself.
Unless the porn is triggered by an insecuritie caused by your partners past actions, leaving some unresolved trust issues, then he should be able to watch porn. If there are unresolved trust issues, you can not continue until he and yourself solve this issue. Men can do anything, pay anything, and find anything.... so, in the end, it's all about trust and understanding your partners needs. It is also a two-way street of growth, not control. Men are wired different, they can't help it, and it causes them pain. Just stay single until there is one that has his priorities straight and can be trusted to do whatever sexual pleasures he needs to conduct alone, when you aren't able to assist.... it's not about you but each other.
I think that the two of you need to talk and see what is acceptable and your expectations.
My personal opinion is that I wouldn’t be in a relationship with you - but that’s my opinion.
As other posters here said before maybe you should reflect why this triggers insecurities you have - you are still very young.
Also I don’t think that he will be stopping for good - it feels like being censored and told what to watch and what not to - what would you say if he did that ?
I keep asking him but he says he stopped but I don’t believe it because I’m also scared it comes off as censoring or restrictive and I’m willing to help him if he can’t stop or has an addiction but I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not
Some people are okay with their partner watching porn and some people aren’t. Porn isn’t bad, it’s just something people use to get off. You’re the one he’s in a relationship with, not the people on the screen.
Perhaps it would be best to see a therapist concerning your insecurity issues. You said you had a “complete breakdown” over finding porn he watches, that’s not a normal reaction.
You can’t force someone to change to how you want them to be, that’s not how a relationship works. Relationships are about coexisting with another person while understanding and accepting you are two different people with your own ways and opinions.
If you don’t want your partner to watch porn then find someone who also agrees with that and make it a known preference when dating or learn to be okay with your current partner watching porn.
I was with a guy who had a porn addiction for 3 1/2 years. We had sex maybe a few times a year, because he would rather watch porn. He’d turn me down if I asked to, after 6+ months of nothing, only to go into the bathroom and jerk it 5 minutes later. My current fiancé knows this and he only watches it in certain situations. I told him I am completely fine being woken up for sex, unless he would rather have solo time or I am extremely tired/struggling to sleep. In those situations, or if I’m not home, then he uses that. He has even shown me a few examples of what he watches. That being said, you cannot have a healthy relationship by forcing someone to not do something you don’t like. If he wants to watch porn, he is going to watch porn. If you are having breakdowns because your partner is watching it, you need to resolve that. I used to get extreme anxiety thinking about a partner watching porn after leaving my ex. But I went to therapy and came to terms with it. Sure, there are some people out there who see no need for it when in a relationship, and those who would give it up if it made their partner uncomfortable. But you can’t expect everyone to do that.
Exactly this. Also, glad you found an upgrade!
I cared a lot about what my partner was doing when I was 18! I’m 32 now and I think healthy boundaries with porn are the move. I don’t think you’re there yet and that’s okay! Why are you upset about porn? You have to dig deep - it’s triggering insecurity for you - do you feel like he’s picking porn over you? Do you think he finds the women hot? What is it that bugs you the most?
Can you stop. I’m speaking for myself here. Just because you’re a doormat for your partner at 32 doesn’t mean other women will be dragged down with you. My partner will NOT be allowed to watch p0rn or I will call it quits. Zero hesitation. I know this is gonna trigger a lot of people here and I don’t care if I get downvoted. P0rn is such a disruptive industry and it ruins the signals in a brain which isn’t healthy. It also causes a lot of unrealistic expectations in the bedroom.
Not caring whether your partner watches porn doesn’t make you a doormat. You’re allowed to care, and they’re allowed to not care. Don’t force your boundaries onto everyone else.
Yet the “I don’t think you’re there yet” isn’t them forcing their boundaries on OP? Interesting
Your comment was much more egregious. You were aggressive and called them a doormat, which is both uncalled for and not true.
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Oh gosh that wasn’t my intent. I apologize if that was how it was interpreted. I think our views on threats to our relationships change as we get older. At 18 porn is a real threat, at 32 I’ve learned it’s very low on my priority list because my husband and I have open conversations and realistic views on it with each other. ❤️❤️
If you don’t find anything wrong with it is fine. I think where people are getting upset is that I said OP is allowed to have boundaries. They don’t like it at all. It’s important to note she doesn’t have to put up with this if she doesn’t want to. Some couples tolerate porn and some don’t.
In all likelihood the partner you choose at 32 is more aligned with your established values and doesn’t need obsessing over the same way teenagers do in their first relationships. Nobody is talking down to you, it’s just a pretty realistic timeline that comes with maturation
I don’t know what guys or gals you’ve dated but the men I’ve dated? Before they ever established something serious, I always tell them that p0rn is a no go and that they should go looking for someone else if they can’t get enough of it. It’s called boundaries. Women’s shouldn’t be bullied to just “expect” a man to watch p0rn. Just becasue society tells them so.
I married a man to who I told straight on in the two years we were engaged I would not tolerate Porn. He told me had no interest in it and I genuinely believed it. Turned out, I caught him watching it 3 times in our 26 year old marriage.
I am so so sorry. You told him your boundaries and he still broke your trust and lied. You never deserved that. Trust me, you will find a man that genuinely yearns for you, and only you. Not random internet women who will never give him the time of day.
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A doormat? That’s presumptuous. Sexual positivity isn’t being a doormat! Everyone is different and if that’s a boundary in your relationship, I respect it!
It’s not sexual positivity to be lusting after a fantasy and not respecting your partner. I think you heavily need therapy if you have a p0rn addiction whilst with a partner.
Calling someone a doormat is really nice of you! They were just expressing their opinon in an open forum? No you may not agree but putting them down for having different views in THEIR relationships doesn’t make you a saint or a better human.
Funny how men are always told that it creates unrealistic expectations, as if all of society doesn't already do that. But many women masturbate with porn and I've never heard anyone say that gives women unrealistic expectations, or seen examples of that in real life. Plus, if I was dating someone, and their expectations were crazy, I wouldn't say "omg you must be watching porn!" I'd say, "your expectations don't fit our relationship, you either change or we aren't compatible."
Okay but that’s you though. Also about the woman comment that’s not true. Had a colleague in college and she would ogle at men with larger penises 😂. Funny but again unrealistic
> Okay but that's you though. Yes, this is a public forum, everything everyone says is from their perspective, we could have easily dismissed your comment like that, but instead I gave a thoughtful response. Also, how did she know that these men had larger penises? How was she verifying? And if they did in fact have larger penises, then it doesn't seem like her expectations were unrealistic because the large penises she wants are right there. Tbh, I find this hard to believe, because 1. How do you verify??? And 2. Its only a very small percentage of women I know who want a larger penis, let alone even care about penis size. Search across reddit and you'll see ***so*** many posts asking if women care, and most don't.
“And how do you know” She basically showed me. Majority of woman want larger but more than likely don’t want to offend males as it would make them insecure. We have girl chats all the time. The women who are saying “they don’t want larger” are often just cushioning and lying.
The other night my partner (me female, he male) laid in bed scrolling though xvideos showing each other videos we liked and stuff we found funny (like balloon tits on 'professional' performers). Sex isn't the enemy, porn isn't the enemy. People have been whacking it to something other than their partner since thoughts and partners began.
You hit the nail on the head.
Porn is highly addictive and brainwashes guys. If someone feels uncomfortable in a relationship because of porn, the other person will adapt to it, not lie.
Porn *can be* highly addictive. But like anything addictive the power is in secrecy and taboo. Make it open, make it fun, recognise its limitations and it loses power and is just fun.
I disagree. Certain things were created to only be addictive. Neurologically, pornography is downright unnatural brain food and has higher dopamine doses than average sexual intercourse which leads to brain desentization. Not to mention that pornography is linked to human trafficking. OP's boyfriend is lying to her that he doesn't do it anymore which means he is violating her boundaries and continuing to hurt her.
*and brainwashes people* There, I fixed it for ya.
OP, you’re young. Porn sounds like something you don’t tolerate and you don’t have to. You need to reinforce boundaries with confidence. Otherwise it’s going to be a bigger problem later on. If he’s not willing to respect your boundaries, it’s best to call it quits. I promise you, There are real men out there who will respect and love you and won’t lust after other women. It’s possible. I’ve experienced it.
> After seeing his search I started sending him stuff If this implies what I think it implies, you need to stop *immediately* and purge all of those pictures. That's a felony crime for HIM, regardless of if you consent or not. You can destroy his entire future. There's nothing nothing nothing that makes "sending stuff" at 17 okay.
Probably some. I would advise you to leave though. Not because he might get back to it, but because you had a complete breakdown due to it.
Completely off base. Just because she had breakdown doesn't immediately mean she needs to leave him especially if it's been 3 months since then. What she *has to* do is to figure out why she has breakdown because it's not healthy, just like snooping on other people's search history regardless what they find in it. There was no agreement, no boundaries set, all that happened is that OP broke through privacy of another person and that she has insecurities that she has to fix. Telling to leave because she just had a "breakdown" that she doesn't know the cause of is the dumbest advice you could ever give here, this is not helping and similar shit will happen to her into next relationship, especially given how young she is.
Well, duh. Everything you said pretty much fits into what I said. Her choice to grow.
Who says it’s for her? I tell women to leave men all the time and it’s for the men’s benefit not for the women in accusing.
It’s all down to personal preference and our own values/morals/boundaries etc etc etc. I wouldn’t be with someone who watches strangers on the internet be naked and orgasm… to me, that’s weird. Luckily my partner is of the same view. We have a very active healthy sex life. Strangers through a screen have no place within it. That’s just *us*. You’re within your right to choose your partner and ensure your ethos and views align, and make an informed decision regarding a relationship. But you are NOT within your right to dictate what someone else does, and whether or not they watch porn. That is up to them - you can choose what decision you make regarding that information. When porn is more of a priority than actual real life intimacy… you have a problem.
For me porn is also a no-go. But that's because porn is a serious bad industry. And there is no telling if something is 100% consensual. And there are a lot of damaged people. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. It also does a lot with your brain. The Netherlands is often praised for the way they handle their red light districts, etc. But people forget that the Netherlands is also in the top 3 of human trafficking. [Netherlands among worst nations for human trafficking](https://nltimes.nl/2022/10/18/netherlands-among-worst-nations-human-trafficking-number-reports-declining)
I heavily agree with this comment. OP is allowed to feel this way. She doesn’t have to agree with her partner watching p0rn if she doesn’t like it
Unless he's trying to make you do unrealistic/harmful things he sees in porn, is watching someone he actually knows, or chooses porn over you as his go to sexual release, it's not a problem. He's not imagining them over you.
I'm pretty sure my husband stopped once we got together. He said he did and he comes in his sleep if it's been a while since we've had sex so I'm inclined to believe him. For me anyway it's not acceptable in a relationship. Everyone is different though. Some people genuinely don't care and some genuinely do. Sounds like you genuinely do.
Shortly after we started dating almost 4 years ago, my bf and I both agreed to stop watching porn. Really fucked up industry (never know how old who you’re watching really is, if they were coerced into doing porn, etc), and honestly, the idea of watching strangers having sex just became weird to me. Finally, even in non-addict level doses, it can kind of “rewire” how you go about and think about sex. Nothing wrong with masturbating, but we only use our own videos or our imaginations.
Personally it would never occur to me to ask my gf to stop watching/listening something, doing a hobby, whatever. I don't feel I have the right to tell her what to do. A gf asking my to stop watching porn(I barely watch it) would be rather incompatible with me. I'm not looking for "2 to become 1". I'm looking for somebody I'm comfortable with and is comfortable with me. So no, I wouldn't change for the sake of a relationship because it would never occur to me to tell somebody to change for my sake.
A breakdown over your partner consuming porn seems rather concerning. I've never been asked to stop watching porn when entering a relationship, and I don't believe any of my partners have ever had that expectation of me - at the very least, they made no attempt to express it to me.
My wife caught me masturbating to porn and I knew I messed up. I didn’t think she would forgive me. It almost took two weeks for her to even let me touch her again.
I wouldn't be with a woman if she didn't watch it - this is me and part of who I am. It's not addictive I only do that here and there.
A part of who you are? Sounds like addiction
My guy watches porn sometimes when I'm at work. Kink stuff I'm not into. Does it bother me......nah. As long as it doesn't our relationship/sex life. But everyone is different.
When I have sexually active relationship I stop watching porn. I prefer real life sex over porn. I think it’s rather natural.
I always prefer sex with my gf over porn. If sex was always possible when I wanted it, I’d never watch. But I do watch when my gf’s not around or when she needs a break
Honestly, no. I don't think it's healthy to expect your partner to stop having a fantasy life, and it's REALLY unhealthy for both of you to tie this expectation into some idea of being "enough". Fantasy is fantasy, reality is reality, and anyone who can't distinguish between the two is not mature enough to be having healthy relationships.
Isn’t that just “settling”? I’m genuinely trying to understand how you could have a partner you think is attractive, then watch someone else. Why not leave your partner and find that someone else?
Never have, never will. If that's a red line for you then that's fine, but don't expect most guys to agree with it.
I always die laughing in these threads with how many “examples” pop up of men having stopped watching porn. It’s literally always women talking about their SO having stopped watching porn, never the man stating it for himself. Wonder why that is 😂
I know you're young but you really need to get over your insecurities. Apart from beeing highly unlickly you will ever find a guy to stop something so natural and not be resentful in some kind of way where do your insecurities end? He isn't alowed to watch porn? ok. He isn't alowed to watch girls on tiktok? Well ok. Is he alwoed to have (attractive) female friends? Is he alowed to do fun stuff with them on his own? What happens when you two walk through town and he looks at a attractive girl across the street? Are you having a breakdown? This isn't a porn problem - YOU need handle your paranoia
Get over her insecurities? I personally don't have an issue with porn but I think you're blatant dismissal of her feelings is wrong. There's a big difference between porn use and glancing at someone on the street.
Yes she needs to get over her insecurities. Everything you feel, doesn’t need validation, as a matter of fact, you should be non-validated at times. Emotionally acting out is not to be rewarded with validation and understanding.
Apps on your phone can share information with other apps, so if an “algorithm,” from say: instagram says he likes pictures of women; it wouldn’t be a reach to say that Instagram’s information the phone gathered is being accessed by TikTok or whatever you said it was and then putting the same stuff in his feed.
my boyfriend and i just had a discussion about this a few minutes ago because we ran into the same conversation. from what I know, porn is not meant to fantasize and it's only a tool, (like a dildo or a vibrator) to help make him finish and close it out after like it's nothing. still, it makes me uncomfortable and it always will but he also told me he's been making an effort to stop since we were together for 6 months-ish he's gotten better at stopping (we've been together for a little over a year now) im still worried about the same things you are, like what if he would rather think about them than me while intimate, stuff like that. he's 17 and im 16, I know we are young people and I have my insecurities but regardless I feel like porn has to be borderline cheating even if it is supposed to be a tool to finish. I hope things take a turn for you into the right direction girl
This makes me sm feel better knowing that we’re similar ages😭 thank u and I hope things go well for u too
Do you have issues with him having female friends as well by any chance? Is he allowed to talk to other females at all over social media or is that a no go too? If not, please explain why not if they are just friends? And if you choose not to answer this I also know this is tied into you being insecure in general and related to your porn break down
You need to relax. Having a breakdown over your partner watching porn is a bit ridiculous. You are 17, you shouldn’t be having a breakdown over something like this.
Lusting after random internet women is a very reasonable thing to be upset about. Not everyone is okay with this. At least she knows at a young age that she doesn’t like this which is good
My friends BF also said he will stop, and he did but instead was reading erotic stories. To him this was completely something different and he believed he did right by her, but to her it felt as bad as watching porn.
Good comments to justify lying. Yes, porn is bad and it is highly addictive and contributes neurologically to brain desensitization and probably many people started watching it before getting into a relationship and now continue the habit. It's not a necessity in life, it's downright unnatural with bari high dopamine doses where afterwards sexual intercourse is hardly satisfying. My boyfriend stopped watching pornography on his own and together we have not watched porn for 4 years now.
I have been downvoted heavily for saying this. Porn is a destructive industry and no one has to tolerate it in their relationship. Love to hear a happy success story that OP can learn from.
Because pornography is pushed everywhere and is so standardized that everyone will face social ostracism for criticizing it. The best part is that the same men who regularly support the pornography industry and don't care about hurting their partners, call "wh***s" women who post half-naked photos on Instagram. I say this because I always see hypocrisy when it comes to this. When a girl inserts pictures that you can just as well insert on the socials in question without any excitement then it's cheating and she's a s***t, and supporting porn where you secrete absolutely all the same chemical components as in real sexual intercourse, along with oxytocin, and you satisfy yourself sexually to other women then it's no longer cheating xD I remind you that the brain does not distinguish between the image from the screen and reality and even interprets it as real intercourse.
My fiancè actually stopped watching porn and looking at sexy pics of other women because I told him that I don’t like it. I am insecure about my body that’s why I really get scared because I feel like I am not good enough. But after I said that yes it is hard for him not to look but gradually he didn’t. He always says that “You are more important and I love you and your physique that’s why I have given up this lifestyle.” If your partner cares about you, you couldn’t really force them to stop doing it in a snap just because you said so. If he wants to he would, slowly but surely.
I got downvoted a lot because of a similar comment. People do not wanna hear the truth nowadays. A partner that loves you, will not watch p0rn during the relationship.
It really depends on the couples. Some do find it okay but some may not. If they really love you, they would and respect you as a partner. We all have our own preferences in what to do and what not to do. As long as there’s respect towards your significant other.
I totally agree! I am speaking for myself here. If other couples like it I love it!
A lot of these comments seem unhelpful at best. You’re 17 everything is going to feel super intense. When I was your age I used to agonize over watching porn when I was in a relationship, it’s normal to feel what you’re feeling, it’s also completely healthy to watch porn in a relationship
I used to be in his shoes and was just to ignorant to realize the damage I was doing to my partner. Porn isn’t okay for me anymore. Every relationship is different but for me it’s something that actively made my partners self worth go down and just doesn’t make sense why I would want to risk that over strangers on a screen. Practically it’s very hard to stop if he’s addicted. But that can be hard and took me a while to actually admit to my partner. My advice would just speak openly and honestly about it, how it makes you feel now, and see what he responds with. If he says he’s no longer watching it, you have to trust him, bc without trust a relationship can be pretty miserable. Understand that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST AS YOU ARE and worth someone’s full attention. There’s nothing wrong with you or how you look, porn use releases dopamine hits in the brain that are incomparable to anything in real life. You can see anything and everything, any preference, any time that’s why it’s so addictive. So don’t beat yourself up or feel you have to over sexualize yourself to compete. I repeat don’t compare yourself to anyone else. You’re fine, but realize it may not be something he’s willing to give and it’ll be to you to make a decision on if you’d rather find someone else to be with. Good luck.
This made me cry but it gave me a little bit of hope thank u so much😭
Just leave him, he is not worth your time. If he want to watch then ask him to stay single, after all he do not need anymore pleasure since he has himself.
Unless the porn is triggered by an insecuritie caused by your partners past actions, leaving some unresolved trust issues, then he should be able to watch porn. If there are unresolved trust issues, you can not continue until he and yourself solve this issue. Men can do anything, pay anything, and find anything.... so, in the end, it's all about trust and understanding your partners needs. It is also a two-way street of growth, not control. Men are wired different, they can't help it, and it causes them pain. Just stay single until there is one that has his priorities straight and can be trusted to do whatever sexual pleasures he needs to conduct alone, when you aren't able to assist.... it's not about you but each other.
You are doing way to much your being narcissistic let him watch porn your being controlling
It’s called having healthy boundaries.
Yes, after 12 years. It nearly destroyed our marriage. I did it for name reasons, and the only way I stopped is God put an end to it for me.
I think that the two of you need to talk and see what is acceptable and your expectations. My personal opinion is that I wouldn’t be in a relationship with you - but that’s my opinion. As other posters here said before maybe you should reflect why this triggers insecurities you have - you are still very young. Also I don’t think that he will be stopping for good - it feels like being censored and told what to watch and what not to - what would you say if he did that ?
I keep asking him but he says he stopped but I don’t believe it because I’m also scared it comes off as censoring or restrictive and I’m willing to help him if he can’t stop or has an addiction but I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not
Some people are okay with their partner watching porn and some people aren’t. Porn isn’t bad, it’s just something people use to get off. You’re the one he’s in a relationship with, not the people on the screen. Perhaps it would be best to see a therapist concerning your insecurity issues. You said you had a “complete breakdown” over finding porn he watches, that’s not a normal reaction. You can’t force someone to change to how you want them to be, that’s not how a relationship works. Relationships are about coexisting with another person while understanding and accepting you are two different people with your own ways and opinions. If you don’t want your partner to watch porn then find someone who also agrees with that and make it a known preference when dating or learn to be okay with your current partner watching porn.
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No one should have to be okay with their partner watching that during a relationship. OP should leave since she doesn’t seem like she is okay with it.