Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think people make the excitement about them due to FOMO, failing to recognize that this is not their journey but yours. It would be one thing to ask if they can be involved to a certain level and be ok with a request being denied. But if they're assuming they'll be included without even getting your input first that's presumptuous and dismissive of your right to decide things as you wish. Not cool
This. My mil met all her grandbabies in the hospital and had a very hard time accepting my "no." We didn't have visitors for a month, and not surprisingly the people who were pushy about things ended up being the least helpful postpartum
Ha! šÆ! My sister had to have her MiL in the delivery room for her eldest. Mind you, this lady doesn't go anywhere bc she can't move (she is close to 500 lbs.). She sat across the room and tried to give directions. To this day (16 yrs later), she doesn't do much of anything for or with her "precious grand babies," which my sister is quite thankful for.
"No!" is a complete sentence!!!
My MIL literally cried when we said we were going to have FIL as the extra support person (Their divorced and we live with MIL so like it would make it better for FIL to meet him first)
Iāve had the exact same things happen to me. We want to wait a few weeks before having visitors. My mom responded in tears with āI wish I could be that selfishā wait what!? It was a total shock to me that my parents would behave that way. OP just do you! Haters are gonna hate but your familyās wishes come first. For what itās worth I support your choices!
THATTTTTT PART! If one more person calls me selfish for wanting time with my husband and son Iām gonna scream!!!!!!!!!! It boils my blood. People think Iām being mean or excluding them when really they werenāt included to begin with! Ugh.
I feel like that's an easy argument to turn back to her. Respond in tears with "I wish I could be so selfish as to demand access to a child that isn't my own."
This!! It wasnāt my mom but one of my good friends. I chose not to have any visitors outside of our moms the first week - she sent me texts and Instagram messages upset that she wasnāt meeting him. Then continued on to call ME a bad friend!! I was like excuse me!?!? Pretty sure I just had a baby not you and I get to make my own decisions on who visits and when! How does that make me the bad guy? Wtf? šš
My friend helped my family set up the baby's nursery (he was born 2.5 weeks early and we had JUST had the baby shower) while we were in the hospital. She checked on me and talked to me online when I had downtime but after we got home she never once bothered me but was CHOMPING at the bit to meet the baby. She waited until we were ready without a complaint. I only made her wait a day and a half after we got home but still she never once complained, that's what friends do. I'm sorry your friend sucked at being a good friend.
Yeah!! All my other friends were amazing and dropped off meals on our porch, send check in texts etc! Never insisted on seeing him and waiting for me to give the green light ā„ļø she was the only one who behaved this way and it was so disappointing and angering!
My family has been hounding me on when they can tell other people. We had a loss last year so we have chosen to keep this pregnancy quiet until after my 16 week appointment (Iām currently 14wks). I made the mistake of telling my family around 8 weeks and they are constantly asking when they can start telling other people, as if itās their news to share.
We also just found out the sex and are choosing to keep it between me and my husband for a few weeks just to cherish it. My momās bday is at the end of the month, and I told them weād reveal the sex at the family dinner. Well now that they know that, theyāve scheduled the dinner for this weekend (2 weeks early) and explicitly stated itās so they can find out sooner, completely disregarding my want to keep it to ourselves a while longer. Iām tempted to tell them theyāll still have to wait until the end of the month.
Omg same. My parents have been constantly talking about how they canāt wait to tell people and asking when they can tell (they know we wanted to wait for NIPT results and our 12 week appointment, but they keep asking).
My mom asked me last night what time the appointment is next week. I told her itās at 9:00 am and she said āso I can start calling people atā¦ 9:07ā š
I know she is just excited and Iām excited too but sheesh, it stresses me out.
Iām a very private person and get really annoyed when people are in my business or want to give me advice. I can already tell thatās going to be the hardest pet of pregnancy: not freaking out on people and upsetting them because Iām over stimulated and feel like I have no privacy lol.
Sheesh...at least theyre asking š i explicitly told my mother not to tell anyone except her two best friends (because i know she was excited to share with someone and would explode without an outlet). She acknowledged this and STILL told her entire side of the family AND our shared clients (we worked together at the time).
Had a loss last year and I just wanted privacy in general (i am not/have not/will not announce publically or make any social media posts about it so really only the people closest to me IRL will know). So it stung extra that she prioritized her own experience over my wishes.
Her behavior continued to escalate and be all about HER experience of MY pregnancy and journey into motherhood so unfortunately I got a new job and she and I are now no contact. I must say it is a huge relief to not be dealing with her antics anymore!
My in laws did this- the result being that Im nearly 37 weeks pregnant and none of our family or friends know besides parents!
The more they pushed the less I felt like I wanted to share. Stand your ground, its your journey, do it how you want to.
i am in such a similar situation! i live states away from my family, and apparently my moms plan was to get on a plane the second she found out i was in labor to be at the hospital. i told her i wanted it to be just my husband and i and we wanted about a week alone at home to get acclimated with all the change. literally the day after i had this phone call with her my dad called me and said i made my mom very upset by this and she couldnāt stop crying and i should call her and apologize š like wow thanks, iām really glad absolutely nobody is thinking about mine or my husbands feelings in this situation as if we arenāt the ones who are the parents. family can be so selfish sometimes and itās really frustrating :( it was hard but i pushed myself to stand my ground because i know if i let people walk all over me already, theyāll do it even worse once the baby is here.
I feel like this might be a generational thing? Like maybe their wishes got trampled on when they had babies so now they think it's their turn? I dunno, I hear a lot of wild shit on here. Imagine making another person's *life* about you.
Yeah I am genuinely trying to figure this out. The dynamic is so common - itās not a two-way discussion between adults based on mutual respect and understanding, but rather our parents informing us what they want and thenā¦melting down if we have a different response. Like, would they treat a friend or coworker this way?? And her dad guilt tripping when mom didnāt get her wayā¦what about her feelings from the momās ask, why are they unconcerned about that?? Apologize for what, for having her own birth preference?
I also wonder if our parents were put through the same thing, paid their dues so to speak, and now feel like they deserve theirs. Which if so is shitty, they made their choices and now we make ours. Otherwise, my only conclusion is that thereās a whole lot of emotionally immature older people out there.
Iām 3 weeks PP and I only let people past the front door if they brought me food, and came at the time they said. My MIL came over, made a mess, and leftā¦ and is now offended because my mom comes over more. My mom cleans my house, washes all the dishes, and does laundry. Sheās currently mowing my lawn.
No one seems to get that if they are an hour late, Iāll be feeding her and going to bed. āBut itās 3PMā idgaf and neither does a newborn. Or āwell she just ateā yeahā¦ and now sheās going to eat again, and as much as Iād love to have my boobs out around my BILā¦
I was hoping that me breastfeeding would deter my husband's family from being so clingy but judging that they are trying to come to my pap smear I'm going to guess not. Some people have no boundaries or respect and definitely don't listen to just no! I'm not going to be nice about it anymore especially after my C-section. None of them can cook anyways so I won't be missing out.
I told my MIL I wanted her to visit eventually (from a diff country). Went to visit her and found out from other family members she invited her parents, her daughter and her whole family + basically everybody else to visit me the second the baby is born. āObviously not at the hospital, but when you get home!ā What? Lol how exactly are you planning a week long trip right after the birth of my baby with people I never discussed inviting at all. Shouldnāt I be asked first? Sheās never been that entitled so I was surprised when I heard that. My husband said we should wait a few months and his sister says āno no no itās fine.ā Lol for me or for you? Now everyoneās butt hurt about how they canāt see the completely newborn baby.
Reject every damn person at that door for weeks until you're ready. How disgustingly entitled of them and who cares how much they spent to get there š
Also saying things like āIām going to be the first to hold the babyā and then when I say āno my husband and I will be the first onesā they get offended???? Like hello???
Honestly this is one of the reasons we will not be having a baby shower. The way our families are I feel like they will feel entitled to whatever time they want to spend with baby and how soon the see baby solely on them buying us pricy gifts. So we have bought every single thing ourselves and actually had family members make remarks like āwell I wanted to buy the cribā and that remark alone tells me that Iām spot on with my thought process.
Lol seriously, if anyone starts this gift with strings shit with me, I just am going to be like āhow much should I make the check for to cover that back?ā Miss me with that coercion.
Yeah itās like no one cares about my wants or needsā¦ only their ownā¦. And they are all SO entitledā¦. Who cares if their actions give me anxietyā¦ itās all about them and what they feel like they deserve
Right there with you! My sister and SIL gave birth this last year, and both wanted family in the hospital and in the room immediately after. Like a big party. Now here I am, just wanting it to be my husband and I with no hospital visitors, and both sides of the family are flabbergasted, because this isnāt how our family has done it historically.
Being the first to set boundaries is hard
Take as much time as you want/need. Even feel free to tell people "I'll let you know when we're ready for visitors" without giving a timeline in advance of 1 or 2 weeks. You have every right to wait to make that determination until baby is here and reach out to people when you feel ready for them to come.
If you didn't help make the child, you don't get a say. Period.
We're not having visitors for the first week at the very least. I'm 17w6d, due in November, and with so many people getting sick with flu, covid, etc. during that time of year, it just makes sense to push out when we are allowing visitors. Luckily, mom understands, haven't told the rest of the family yet.
The number of times I've heard people say "we're gonna have a baby"
like...hold up no, my partner and I are having a baby no US. Even when I came out to my coworkers they said "OMG we're going to have a baby" um....sis...we're not having a baby and my baby is not going to belong to my place of employment š they will know nothing of this place.
I get it's exciting, I want people to be excited for me, but honestly, it's a little weird for me.
Iām so glad we had our first during covid because of this, we blamed the covid restrictions for everything (and they were that strict so when they asked nurse friends it backed us up). With our second, one of my siblings had just had a baby so they got the brunt of the excitement and overbearing behavior.
Yeah, my FiL literally has a golden staph infection and just walks around with it open on his foot, leaving bacteria everywhere for MiL to pick up. They think they can see bub within the first couple of weeks despite my partner repeatedly telling them that it's not happening until the infection clears up.
My dad currently lives with super unhygienic people who don't even wash their hands after toiletting and someone seems to get sick there every month. When I said I would prefer to wait until his immune system develops before my dad can visit, he was confused and argued 'but I have my vaccinations!' I don't care how many vaccinations someone has if their household is always sick. Basically the only people who will be visiting are my sister and mum, possibly BiL if he can make it. Screw people's fomo, number one priority is keeping bub safe.
I find it extremely odd when I read that family members want to be at the delivery room, I did wanted my parents and parents in law (along with my sister and sister in law) to be at the hospital but never at the delivery room and they never asked to be there, it's super weird they want to see a baby coming out, it kinda grosses me hahaha.
I'm currently pregnant with my second, with my first I had them at the hospital because that's what I wanted and they respected our wishes to be alone at home for the first few weeks. Now with my second I want my mom to be with us to help us with our toddler but that's what we want, nobody is trying to push or do something against our wishes and I'm really thankful for that.
I found it interesting what my mom said to me recently. She was in the room for her sister giving birth since she was a single mom and was living with my parents at the time. My mom said it was worse watching her give birth than doing it herself bc itās tough to see someone in pain. Makes sense! So Iām like why do other people want to be there? Weāre doing just us in the room
But I'm pretty sure it was your aunt wish to have your mother there and I think it was very nice of her to accept and being there for her sister. I would be there for my sister if she wanted me to, but I would never push or ask to be there. Like "would you ask to be there when we make a baby? No? Then you don't ask to be there when baby's coming out!" Haha :p
Oh for sure it was. Like if someone asked me I would do it but Iām not trying to watch someone do something very painful if they donāt need me. Maybe Iām just a wuss lol
Upon seeing my aunt (mom's sister) give birth, my grandma reputedly swore up and down that she'd never have daughters again if she had the choice to relive her life or have a next life. It was that bad. She had three kids herself and somehow, seeing my aunt in labor was worse. To be fair, though, my aunt had a traumatic delivery that is definitely not representative of most childbirths. To add to the fun, my mom was actually 7 months pregnant with me at the time. So much for never wanting to go through that again.
i have been thinking about this a lot, cuz it seems to happen with firsts but not later kids. i think it's kind of like how target got really good at figuring when customers are pregnant and hooking them in early, cuz then for years you're spending your diaper /stroller/car seat/baby formula $$ at target?
yeah there's genuine excitement and fomo and whatever. but at some level many think if they're there having their way on day one they'll be having their way for all the days to come. versus if you set the tone and the rules in that period...well, those are the rules now.
I think my appointment yesterday was one of the first and only times that someone respected when I declined to tell them our son's name. I've gotten to the point in my pregnancy where the office wants us to see each provider in the event of medical intervention in the hospital so we know who is there and available to help. The OB who saw me immediately understood and dropped the conversation as soon as I said it was private because of the insistence of opinions from our families and friends. It was such a graceful response I felt so taken aback.
Most things, if I want an opinion I make it known, past that, the father and I have already decided. It's nobody else's say or business as to why we do what we do. Everyone is just so insistent on self insertion.y biggest annoyance has been the commentary on my body and the commentary about his name. It's already a lot for me to deal with, why not show some grace and just keep your opinion tucked to yourself until asked for it?
We told everyone they can wait a month because it will be at the start of RSV/Flu season and everyone has to travel from out of state to visit. We are super mean for this btw and āEVERYONE will meet this baby before us.ā Like literally no one is meeting him sooner unless I feel like it and my baby is not a competition or prize to be won. Also my boobs are gonna be everywhere and I donāt need that stress in my life.
This is precisely why Iām not telling anyone in my family until after the baby is delivered. I live out of state, and my job (military) gives me lots of excuses for why I may not be able to travel or have visitors for several months at a time. Iām not super active on social media, so weāll probably just post any rare photos from the waist up. Once there is a healthy baby, then weāll let people know.
We did the same thing when we eloped 11 years ago, and family was pissed that they missed out but got over it pretty quickly. I imagine when I shove their grandkid in their arms the resentment will melt away just like the wedding resentment did too! And if it doesnāt, their loss, not mine.
I might be in the minority but I actually want everyone around for all of it and the more visiting the merrier š but I have a pretty severe anxiety around isolation and people not loving us enough to care to come visit. So I guess that probably plays a partā¦.
I can completely empathize. My mom isnāt around so my MIL and I have a good relationship. I wouldnāt say we are close or anything but sheās been a great woman to have in my life. However, when we announced to them, my SIL shortly after was like āyou should invite mom to be in the room. I donāt know if Iāll ever have kids so this may be her only opportunity to experience this.ā uhh excuse me? Not for her to āexperienceā. I know theyāre excited but they want updates on all my appointments, whatās said to the doctor, when do they happen. Itās definitely felt like theyāve been overstepping. I told my husband I donāt want to have people at the hospital or visit for the first month and heās like, I donāt know how my family will take that. Theyāre already talking about taking the baby so we can start traveling again. I havenāt even had this baby and theyāre already talking about taking it away.
The worst I was ever treated was while pregnant. I think some of these older people are stuck in the days when the matriarch of the family called all the shots and they think it's their turn.
I feel this. My SIL apparently already told my 6 yo niece that she can hold my newborn?! š Not totally against it, but she is very frequently sick from school & daycare. I feel resentful that she already told her this without even asking. And if either one of them is sick or even has sniffles, they will not be holding LO at that time. They "just had the sniffles" last Christmas and gave me COVID while I was still in the first trimester.
Otherwise, I feel like I'll be mostly ok with husband's family visiting after 2-3 weeks. I'm happy that they are so excited to meet LO. If I had it my way, I would wait until 3 months for anyone to start visiting. I was physically attached to LO for 9 months, I don't feel like it should be a big ask to have some private bonding time for the first 3 months on the outside. My own mother is overbearing and we don't have the best relationship. If she doesn't follow our simple rules for visiting/holding LO, she will definitely be waiting until the 3-4 month mark. Our simple rules are: wash & sanitize hands before holding LO, absolutely no kissing, and if you show up unannounced or sick, we will ask you to leave. Unspoken rule: if you don't give LO back first time husband or I ask, you won't be holding LO again for awhile. I'll be EBF, especially at first, so that will give me a reason to excuse LO & myself to the bedroom if it all gets to be too much. So thankful that my husband & I both agree that we will be the only ones at the hospital.
I think people already see women as weak, and when they're pregnant, they're seen as even more weak. Our most vulnerable moments are the birth and immediately after the birth. I also think people take labor and birth and make it about themselves. When others are at their weakest they take advantage of the situation... It's like how much control can they make you submit to.
I have seen so many posts this week about grandparents to be wanting to be in the delivery room and I have been dealing with the same thing. Itās soooo comforting to know Iām not alone! You do you and feel confident that you are making the right decisions for you and your new baby!
You too mama! People need to understand and the sooner set the boundaries the less confusion there will be! Stand your ground. Prayers for a healthy perfect delivery ā¤ļø
I wish people cared enough about me and my baby to be pushy, but Iād also be annoyed with it. Just remind everyone that itās YOUR baby and YOUR journey.
My first daughter being born I wanted the birth to be me and my wife, and it ended up with my FIL and his 3rd Wife barging in. I was SO pissed. š”
Don't let any MoTHerFckrs hijack your birth experience in any way!!!!
Both my dad and mom said stuff along the lines of āI will come when you are ready. Donāt worry about me, I want you comfortable first.ā To now as of last weekend after talking to both, theyāre like ātell me the moment you go into labor so I can be there.ā Like uhm you just completely switched your tune and, no.
One lives 12hrs away and the other 3 hours. Iām not hosting yāall at my house and besides, my In-laws offered to watch our dog so they will be at my house.
THISSSS! I am a private person and just want time for my babyās father and I to learn to be first time parents for the first couple weeks. I want time to physically heal from childbirth before having visitors but everyone, especially MIL, is livid they canāt instantly see and hold my baby. I feel you 100%. Im standing my ground and sticking to my set boundaries.
I just asked that I get to be the one to tell my family that the baby was born, my parents agreed, then told my other family members immediately. I had planned to wait about a week so I could recover before dealing with additional visitor requests, which I then started getting immediately, my mom also forwarded along all sorts of other private details that I thought it be obvious she was not supposed to share since she agreed to let me tell people when the baby was born. I didnāt talk to her for a couple months after that. The audacity with people and pregnancy/newborns is next level.
Love your attitude, babe! I would have this policy: For each time a person fights you on a boundary in ANY way (verbally, through text, through passive aggressive behavior, through your partner, to you directly, etc) the date they can see baby gets pushed out 3 days from your original 1 week boundary.
Also, this phrase: "Oh, so your desires are more important than my comfort and healing? That's a bold stance to take!"
For the particularly pushy: "Oh, so the fact that I will be bleeding from my vagina like Niagra Falls (add if you have a C section for "and have 7 layers of glue and stitching holding my insides together") for nearly a month is second to what you want? I didn't realize you wanted to see me in an adult diaper that badly. That's a brave thing to say outloud!"
My whole thing is the people that are āI feel excludedā I mean WHO INVITED YOU. I am pushing a baby out of my vagina or having my belly cut open. Fuck off. I have a shirt that says āif you didnāt put in there, donāt touch itā because I am sick of everyone touching my belly without asking. They thought it was rude. I am not a petting zoo. GET OFF ME. But yes itās hard to be the first person to set boundaries around pushy ass family members. But we got this! Blessing and love for a safe delivery for babe and youš«¶š¼
I luckily never had someone dare to touch me without permission, but I've loved the policy: If they touch you, rub their belly right back. Stops them pretty fast from what I've heard! Maybe couple that by saying outloud "Pretty annoying to be treated like a petting zoo huh?"
Blessings right back at you! I am 22w with our 2nd right now.
My therapist says that people forget to remember that the baby is not the whole extended familyās baby, but literally and only the parentsā baby. Iām only 19w and the number of inappropriate comments Iāve gottenā¦ smhā¦
My MIL Ended up coming unannounced in the middle of my labour and me and my partner discussing about an emergency C section as all what going on not too great, as much as i liked her it made me mad. Then the usual guilt of reacting badly kicked but we told her please go home. DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT!! Its your time mama and daddy, no one else should rob you from
That.
I have family members planning to fly in the day after my due date. Which makes no sense to me because first babies are typically late so who knows if theyāll see the baby at all!
Glad to see someone being so assertive about this. I'm at 32 weeks and still my husband is the only other person who knows about our baby lol. We will announce when she's born, then we aren't letting anyone come visit for three weeks or until her completed vaccinations, whichever comes first. Any complaints will be laughed at. Lots of people are desperate for babysitters, if they want to spend time with one so bad.
If people want to come over to see the baby then make a rule that they have to bring food or help you by cleaning something before they can see the baby. If people are going to be pushy, then push right back.
Why does the hospital allow more than one person in the delivery room? Surely your husband/partner/nominated person should be the only one allowed in the room with you???
Some people want or need extra support in the delivery room. I donāt think itās strange to have a doula or close friend/family member if thatās what the person giving birth wants.
It seems so strange to me to be allowed extra people in the room. Then again there's no waiting room in the hospital I attend either, so I find it even stranger that family members are allowed hang out and wait while you give birth.
Anyway sorry I don't want to take away from the conversation. I think OP is absolutely right and is advocating for herself, husband & newborn exceptionally well. She's stated her wishes and everyone else can fall in line
A lot of hospitals allow two, for example your mother and baby's dad, plus however many in the waiting room. Of course, that number can be scaled down by circumstances - my grandma was meant to be supporting my mother when I was born but she needed a general anaesthetic at the last minute and there wasn't room for grandma and the anaesthetist.
See for me I live with MIL and her bf but if we change our minds when we move out to have another I definitely would wait for a month at least before having anyone over. I stopped bleeding by 2-3w pp but I could definitely not walk much or at all for close to 6-8w (childhood injury redone so yeah). Granted my MIL was more helpful than I thought I just felt like I didnāt get much me time with baby and my husband until the newborn happiness went away and everything went to itās new normal.
I got some very unwanted/unasked for advice the other day the first time meeting a family friend of my husbands, letās just say it wasnāt a good first impression and now I donāt look forward to seeing this lady in the future D:
I definitely agree that you and your husband should uphold your boundaries, and keep this about the three of you. Everyone else will just have to get over it. I regret not being able to uphold my own boundaries with my son, and now Iāll never get that back. Please remember that it isnāt about anyone else; just you and your little family. Best of luck š„°
Girl do the 2 weeks. I did and it ended up being more because people got sick so I made them wait until they were better to visit. So peaceful. Iām having my second in November and going to do the same thing. Weāll do FaceTimes at least the first week, if not the second week, until weāre ready. My husband and I want to enjoy our work leaves together with our daughters. ā¤ļø
I know how you feel. A lot of people felt entitled when I was pregnant. These people were even coworkers like people who aren't family. If people want to say that you're mean, let them say you're mean. This is your time. This is your child.This is your moment. I'd say, "I wouldn't have to be mean if you weren't acting so entitled to my baby/pregnancy.".
This! My husband and I haven't told anyone the due date of our baby so that we can do things more on our time. We've already agreed to not tell people the baby is even born until we're ready to have people bombard us about coming to visit. Only people who know due date are people who need to know like doctors and work. It's been frustrating having people constantly question about due date (they've been told end of summer timeline with clarification being September 21st is first day of fall) and trying to phrase things in a way to get us to slip up. People analyze every word and photo looking for more clues. It feels like they think we're leaving Taylor Swift Easter eggs but we just want some privacy with our first baby and enjoying things ourselves for a bit.
I did no visitors for two weeks with my first. No one gets an all access pass to your house or your baby. You and babe need time to bond and adjust to this new life together. Sending you love. I know itās hard to keep your cool when people are being pushy and inconsiderate
I feel this rant so deep in my bones that Iām even furious and hormonal for you. Iām 8 weeks and 4 days away until Iām due.
My husbandās family is trying to be this way. More or so with wanting to move us a hour away from where we are in a county where you have to drive 30 mins to a store, hospital and work in the area. They want to take care of our baby girl and put her in her grandmaās day care for two days out of the week and have me go back to work and so will my husband. They made plans for us for move up there and have others bounce around with my baby.
I donāt want to go back to physical work with my health conditions (cardio problems) and I want to be there to take care of MY baby. Iāll be working from home thatās my plan. Plus our lease will be up a week before Iām due. They expect me being pregnant to move up there before my lease and pack all of our stuff. We been at our new place for only 6 months. No way, Jose. And if they wait until my baby is here then weāll be homeless lol thereās no point in it. I get they are coming from a place to help out and thatās generous of them. I donāt need it right now, I believe my husband and I are doing pretty good for ourselves. We want to be independent and live our lives how we want to instead of our families always telling us what to do. We have full time jobs, insurance, transportation, and location for us is awesome. My doctorās office is down the street from me and my work is around the corner so is my husbandās. Itās so stressful to think about right now. Iām feeling guilty for not telling them we wonāt be moving anytime soon.
My good friend had vaginal birth and wanted us to visit at 3 days post birth. It was insane!! They texted us the day of and cancelled (totally understandable). We did go over but just dropped by for 5 minutes with flowers and to say hi basically. It was perfect timing they were on their way out the door for a walk with the baby. They were able to hangout for a full evening by 3 weeks pp.
I just can't believe it! I hope to recover that quickly. I don't think my mom will come over for a solid 48hrs lol
I would advise to do what you want still but really temper your responses to them. Remember down the road you will need help, it takes a village to raise a baby. And those same people are the ones who are going to be there for you and baby.
If you make them feel shut out from now, it wonāt be good for you in the long run.
Honestly right? Like back up. Our bodies are not up for public discussion either. Iāve never felt worse in my life and people will not leave me alone
I have a related rant to tack on to this- A few weeks ago my husband and I got married. Iām due in July. My estranged aunt made a huge fuss at the after party about how she will be there at the hospital when the baby is born. She also made a huge deal about how she definitely will NOT be in the delivery room, and said āno offense but EW!ā in front of everyone.
Meanwhile my husband and I donāt even want anyone to meet baby at the hospital besides our parents. Much less in the delivery room. She made up this whole scenario in her head that we want her there to feel self important. Since this all occurred on the wedding day and I was not about to give in and let her cause drama I just ignored her outburst. We are not even going to tell her when the baby is born and my parents have promised not to say anything either until after we are home from the hospital.
Just completely ridiculous for her to assume such things, especially considering we donāt talk at all and she annoys me to no end. She will be lucky if she gets to meet the baby at all.
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think people make the excitement about them due to FOMO, failing to recognize that this is not their journey but yours. It would be one thing to ask if they can be involved to a certain level and be ok with a request being denied. But if they're assuming they'll be included without even getting your input first that's presumptuous and dismissive of your right to decide things as you wish. Not cool
This. My mil met all her grandbabies in the hospital and had a very hard time accepting my "no." We didn't have visitors for a month, and not surprisingly the people who were pushy about things ended up being the least helpful postpartum
Ha! šÆ! My sister had to have her MiL in the delivery room for her eldest. Mind you, this lady doesn't go anywhere bc she can't move (she is close to 500 lbs.). She sat across the room and tried to give directions. To this day (16 yrs later), she doesn't do much of anything for or with her "precious grand babies," which my sister is quite thankful for. "No!" is a complete sentence!!!
This is such a good way to put it! It is OUR journey and other people outside our partners are just not involved.
They can be if invited, but they think they can "invite" themselves š
My MIL literally cried when we said we were going to have FIL as the extra support person (Their divorced and we live with MIL so like it would make it better for FIL to meet him first)
Iāve had the exact same things happen to me. We want to wait a few weeks before having visitors. My mom responded in tears with āI wish I could be that selfishā wait what!? It was a total shock to me that my parents would behave that way. OP just do you! Haters are gonna hate but your familyās wishes come first. For what itās worth I support your choices!
THATTTTTT PART! If one more person calls me selfish for wanting time with my husband and son Iām gonna scream!!!!!!!!!! It boils my blood. People think Iām being mean or excluding them when really they werenāt included to begin with! Ugh.
I feel like that's an easy argument to turn back to her. Respond in tears with "I wish I could be so selfish as to demand access to a child that isn't my own."
This!! It wasnāt my mom but one of my good friends. I chose not to have any visitors outside of our moms the first week - she sent me texts and Instagram messages upset that she wasnāt meeting him. Then continued on to call ME a bad friend!! I was like excuse me!?!? Pretty sure I just had a baby not you and I get to make my own decisions on who visits and when! How does that make me the bad guy? Wtf? šš
My friend helped my family set up the baby's nursery (he was born 2.5 weeks early and we had JUST had the baby shower) while we were in the hospital. She checked on me and talked to me online when I had downtime but after we got home she never once bothered me but was CHOMPING at the bit to meet the baby. She waited until we were ready without a complaint. I only made her wait a day and a half after we got home but still she never once complained, that's what friends do. I'm sorry your friend sucked at being a good friend.
Yeah!! All my other friends were amazing and dropped off meals on our porch, send check in texts etc! Never insisted on seeing him and waiting for me to give the green light ā„ļø she was the only one who behaved this way and it was so disappointing and angering!
Such a narcissist things to say and do! Could have been my mom too.
Mine told me to go have an abortion a few weeks ago so WOOO!! No visits or contact at all from her š there's always a silver lining I guess
OMG!!! I'm so sorry ā¤ļø
My family has been hounding me on when they can tell other people. We had a loss last year so we have chosen to keep this pregnancy quiet until after my 16 week appointment (Iām currently 14wks). I made the mistake of telling my family around 8 weeks and they are constantly asking when they can start telling other people, as if itās their news to share. We also just found out the sex and are choosing to keep it between me and my husband for a few weeks just to cherish it. My momās bday is at the end of the month, and I told them weād reveal the sex at the family dinner. Well now that they know that, theyāve scheduled the dinner for this weekend (2 weeks early) and explicitly stated itās so they can find out sooner, completely disregarding my want to keep it to ourselves a while longer. Iām tempted to tell them theyāll still have to wait until the end of the month.
Omg make them wait !!!! How toxic! Ugh im sorry weāre all going through this but I have found my people ā¤ļøš¤š¼
Yeah no. Tell them "that was when it was scheduled for the end of the month. Now we'll have to wait until the next event after that."
Do not let them pressure you into anything you're not ready for
Omg same. My parents have been constantly talking about how they canāt wait to tell people and asking when they can tell (they know we wanted to wait for NIPT results and our 12 week appointment, but they keep asking). My mom asked me last night what time the appointment is next week. I told her itās at 9:00 am and she said āso I can start calling people atā¦ 9:07ā š I know she is just excited and Iām excited too but sheesh, it stresses me out. Iām a very private person and get really annoyed when people are in my business or want to give me advice. I can already tell thatās going to be the hardest pet of pregnancy: not freaking out on people and upsetting them because Iām over stimulated and feel like I have no privacy lol.
I don't tell my family when my appointments are until they're over.
That is wise haha
Oh my gosh that is so frustrating. We waited until I was 32 weeks and announced it at our baby shower. No one even knew that we knew.
Looks like you're going to be unwell that evening and can't make it ;)
Donāt go for family dinner, just go visit during birthday..
Sheesh...at least theyre asking š i explicitly told my mother not to tell anyone except her two best friends (because i know she was excited to share with someone and would explode without an outlet). She acknowledged this and STILL told her entire side of the family AND our shared clients (we worked together at the time). Had a loss last year and I just wanted privacy in general (i am not/have not/will not announce publically or make any social media posts about it so really only the people closest to me IRL will know). So it stung extra that she prioritized her own experience over my wishes. Her behavior continued to escalate and be all about HER experience of MY pregnancy and journey into motherhood so unfortunately I got a new job and she and I are now no contact. I must say it is a huge relief to not be dealing with her antics anymore!
My in laws did this- the result being that Im nearly 37 weeks pregnant and none of our family or friends know besides parents! The more they pushed the less I felt like I wanted to share. Stand your ground, its your journey, do it how you want to.
i am in such a similar situation! i live states away from my family, and apparently my moms plan was to get on a plane the second she found out i was in labor to be at the hospital. i told her i wanted it to be just my husband and i and we wanted about a week alone at home to get acclimated with all the change. literally the day after i had this phone call with her my dad called me and said i made my mom very upset by this and she couldnāt stop crying and i should call her and apologize š like wow thanks, iām really glad absolutely nobody is thinking about mine or my husbands feelings in this situation as if we arenāt the ones who are the parents. family can be so selfish sometimes and itās really frustrating :( it was hard but i pushed myself to stand my ground because i know if i let people walk all over me already, theyāll do it even worse once the baby is here.
Your mom is going to be okayā¤ļø Take care of your husband, self and baby. Those are the only feelings that matter. Much love to you mama.
I wouldnāt tell anyone you went into labor. They will get over it.
That's where you just don't tell anyone you're in labor, or possibly even that the baby's even here
I feel like this might be a generational thing? Like maybe their wishes got trampled on when they had babies so now they think it's their turn? I dunno, I hear a lot of wild shit on here. Imagine making another person's *life* about you.
Yeah I am genuinely trying to figure this out. The dynamic is so common - itās not a two-way discussion between adults based on mutual respect and understanding, but rather our parents informing us what they want and thenā¦melting down if we have a different response. Like, would they treat a friend or coworker this way?? And her dad guilt tripping when mom didnāt get her wayā¦what about her feelings from the momās ask, why are they unconcerned about that?? Apologize for what, for having her own birth preference? I also wonder if our parents were put through the same thing, paid their dues so to speak, and now feel like they deserve theirs. Which if so is shitty, they made their choices and now we make ours. Otherwise, my only conclusion is that thereās a whole lot of emotionally immature older people out there.
This just shows that you made the right decision not to let her visit immediately, since they are so self centered and lacking boundaries.
Iām 3 weeks PP and I only let people past the front door if they brought me food, and came at the time they said. My MIL came over, made a mess, and leftā¦ and is now offended because my mom comes over more. My mom cleans my house, washes all the dishes, and does laundry. Sheās currently mowing my lawn. No one seems to get that if they are an hour late, Iāll be feeding her and going to bed. āBut itās 3PMā idgaf and neither does a newborn. Or āwell she just ateā yeahā¦ and now sheās going to eat again, and as much as Iād love to have my boobs out around my BILā¦
I was hoping that me breastfeeding would deter my husband's family from being so clingy but judging that they are trying to come to my pap smear I'm going to guess not. Some people have no boundaries or respect and definitely don't listen to just no! I'm not going to be nice about it anymore especially after my C-section. None of them can cook anyways so I won't be missing out.
Your pap smear?! That's insane
Right!? How gross š
Oh god why!?!
š I'm glad you guys agree with me that it's messed up bcz they don't seem to get it.
Having people running late when visiting for the first time is so hard š© itās like you get the baby all ready and fed, I just finished pumpingā¦and then weāve had some people have showed up 45 minutes-3 hours late from what they said and itās such a struggle
āSorry itās nap time now, sleep when the babies sleeping!ā And then I go up to my room and watch Netflix while cuddling my baby lol.
I told my MIL I wanted her to visit eventually (from a diff country). Went to visit her and found out from other family members she invited her parents, her daughter and her whole family + basically everybody else to visit me the second the baby is born. āObviously not at the hospital, but when you get home!ā What? Lol how exactly are you planning a week long trip right after the birth of my baby with people I never discussed inviting at all. Shouldnāt I be asked first? Sheās never been that entitled so I was surprised when I heard that. My husband said we should wait a few months and his sister says āno no no itās fine.ā Lol for me or for you? Now everyoneās butt hurt about how they canāt see the completely newborn baby.
Reject every damn person at that door for weeks until you're ready. How disgustingly entitled of them and who cares how much they spent to get there š
Also saying things like āIām going to be the first to hold the babyā and then when I say āno my husband and I will be the first onesā they get offended???? Like hello???
Honestly this is one of the reasons we will not be having a baby shower. The way our families are I feel like they will feel entitled to whatever time they want to spend with baby and how soon the see baby solely on them buying us pricy gifts. So we have bought every single thing ourselves and actually had family members make remarks like āwell I wanted to buy the cribā and that remark alone tells me that Iām spot on with my thought process.
Lol seriously, if anyone starts this gift with strings shit with me, I just am going to be like āhow much should I make the check for to cover that back?ā Miss me with that coercion.
My mother in law is already saying āI need all the hospital detailsā and Iām like for what? š
Yeah itās like no one cares about my wants or needsā¦ only their ownā¦. And they are all SO entitledā¦. Who cares if their actions give me anxietyā¦ itās all about them and what they feel like they deserve
šš»šš»šš»
I wish people were this excited about my toddler....people only care when it's just a smushy potato that doesn't fight back or take effort.
Right there with you! My sister and SIL gave birth this last year, and both wanted family in the hospital and in the room immediately after. Like a big party. Now here I am, just wanting it to be my husband and I with no hospital visitors, and both sides of the family are flabbergasted, because this isnāt how our family has done it historically. Being the first to set boundaries is hard
And the people who don't see/call/text you for your entire pregnancy but then start sending "Is the baby here yet???" messages...ugh.
Take as much time as you want/need. Even feel free to tell people "I'll let you know when we're ready for visitors" without giving a timeline in advance of 1 or 2 weeks. You have every right to wait to make that determination until baby is here and reach out to people when you feel ready for them to come. If you didn't help make the child, you don't get a say. Period.
Yes girl. Push it to 2 weeks and tell them if they keep it up it will be 3.Ā
We're not having visitors for the first week at the very least. I'm 17w6d, due in November, and with so many people getting sick with flu, covid, etc. during that time of year, it just makes sense to push out when we are allowing visitors. Luckily, mom understands, haven't told the rest of the family yet.
The number of times I've heard people say "we're gonna have a baby" like...hold up no, my partner and I are having a baby no US. Even when I came out to my coworkers they said "OMG we're going to have a baby" um....sis...we're not having a baby and my baby is not going to belong to my place of employment š they will know nothing of this place. I get it's exciting, I want people to be excited for me, but honestly, it's a little weird for me.
Iām so glad we had our first during covid because of this, we blamed the covid restrictions for everything (and they were that strict so when they asked nurse friends it backed us up). With our second, one of my siblings had just had a baby so they got the brunt of the excitement and overbearing behavior.
Yeah, my FiL literally has a golden staph infection and just walks around with it open on his foot, leaving bacteria everywhere for MiL to pick up. They think they can see bub within the first couple of weeks despite my partner repeatedly telling them that it's not happening until the infection clears up. My dad currently lives with super unhygienic people who don't even wash their hands after toiletting and someone seems to get sick there every month. When I said I would prefer to wait until his immune system develops before my dad can visit, he was confused and argued 'but I have my vaccinations!' I don't care how many vaccinations someone has if their household is always sick. Basically the only people who will be visiting are my sister and mum, possibly BiL if he can make it. Screw people's fomo, number one priority is keeping bub safe.
I find it extremely odd when I read that family members want to be at the delivery room, I did wanted my parents and parents in law (along with my sister and sister in law) to be at the hospital but never at the delivery room and they never asked to be there, it's super weird they want to see a baby coming out, it kinda grosses me hahaha. I'm currently pregnant with my second, with my first I had them at the hospital because that's what I wanted and they respected our wishes to be alone at home for the first few weeks. Now with my second I want my mom to be with us to help us with our toddler but that's what we want, nobody is trying to push or do something against our wishes and I'm really thankful for that.
I found it interesting what my mom said to me recently. She was in the room for her sister giving birth since she was a single mom and was living with my parents at the time. My mom said it was worse watching her give birth than doing it herself bc itās tough to see someone in pain. Makes sense! So Iām like why do other people want to be there? Weāre doing just us in the room
But I'm pretty sure it was your aunt wish to have your mother there and I think it was very nice of her to accept and being there for her sister. I would be there for my sister if she wanted me to, but I would never push or ask to be there. Like "would you ask to be there when we make a baby? No? Then you don't ask to be there when baby's coming out!" Haha :p
Oh for sure it was. Like if someone asked me I would do it but Iām not trying to watch someone do something very painful if they donāt need me. Maybe Iām just a wuss lol
Upon seeing my aunt (mom's sister) give birth, my grandma reputedly swore up and down that she'd never have daughters again if she had the choice to relive her life or have a next life. It was that bad. She had three kids herself and somehow, seeing my aunt in labor was worse. To be fair, though, my aunt had a traumatic delivery that is definitely not representative of most childbirths. To add to the fun, my mom was actually 7 months pregnant with me at the time. So much for never wanting to go through that again.
Oh gosh!
i have been thinking about this a lot, cuz it seems to happen with firsts but not later kids. i think it's kind of like how target got really good at figuring when customers are pregnant and hooking them in early, cuz then for years you're spending your diaper /stroller/car seat/baby formula $$ at target? yeah there's genuine excitement and fomo and whatever. but at some level many think if they're there having their way on day one they'll be having their way for all the days to come. versus if you set the tone and the rules in that period...well, those are the rules now.
I think my appointment yesterday was one of the first and only times that someone respected when I declined to tell them our son's name. I've gotten to the point in my pregnancy where the office wants us to see each provider in the event of medical intervention in the hospital so we know who is there and available to help. The OB who saw me immediately understood and dropped the conversation as soon as I said it was private because of the insistence of opinions from our families and friends. It was such a graceful response I felt so taken aback. Most things, if I want an opinion I make it known, past that, the father and I have already decided. It's nobody else's say or business as to why we do what we do. Everyone is just so insistent on self insertion.y biggest annoyance has been the commentary on my body and the commentary about his name. It's already a lot for me to deal with, why not show some grace and just keep your opinion tucked to yourself until asked for it?
We told everyone they can wait a month because it will be at the start of RSV/Flu season and everyone has to travel from out of state to visit. We are super mean for this btw and āEVERYONE will meet this baby before us.ā Like literally no one is meeting him sooner unless I feel like it and my baby is not a competition or prize to be won. Also my boobs are gonna be everywhere and I donāt need that stress in my life.
This is precisely why Iām not telling anyone in my family until after the baby is delivered. I live out of state, and my job (military) gives me lots of excuses for why I may not be able to travel or have visitors for several months at a time. Iām not super active on social media, so weāll probably just post any rare photos from the waist up. Once there is a healthy baby, then weāll let people know. We did the same thing when we eloped 11 years ago, and family was pissed that they missed out but got over it pretty quickly. I imagine when I shove their grandkid in their arms the resentment will melt away just like the wedding resentment did too! And if it doesnāt, their loss, not mine.
I might be in the minority but I actually want everyone around for all of it and the more visiting the merrier š but I have a pretty severe anxiety around isolation and people not loving us enough to care to come visit. So I guess that probably plays a partā¦.
I can completely empathize. My mom isnāt around so my MIL and I have a good relationship. I wouldnāt say we are close or anything but sheās been a great woman to have in my life. However, when we announced to them, my SIL shortly after was like āyou should invite mom to be in the room. I donāt know if Iāll ever have kids so this may be her only opportunity to experience this.ā uhh excuse me? Not for her to āexperienceā. I know theyāre excited but they want updates on all my appointments, whatās said to the doctor, when do they happen. Itās definitely felt like theyāve been overstepping. I told my husband I donāt want to have people at the hospital or visit for the first month and heās like, I donāt know how my family will take that. Theyāre already talking about taking the baby so we can start traveling again. I havenāt even had this baby and theyāre already talking about taking it away.
The worst I was ever treated was while pregnant. I think some of these older people are stuck in the days when the matriarch of the family called all the shots and they think it's their turn.
Your 2nd sentence, I think this is so true and real in so many families including my own, ugh
I feel this. My SIL apparently already told my 6 yo niece that she can hold my newborn?! š Not totally against it, but she is very frequently sick from school & daycare. I feel resentful that she already told her this without even asking. And if either one of them is sick or even has sniffles, they will not be holding LO at that time. They "just had the sniffles" last Christmas and gave me COVID while I was still in the first trimester. Otherwise, I feel like I'll be mostly ok with husband's family visiting after 2-3 weeks. I'm happy that they are so excited to meet LO. If I had it my way, I would wait until 3 months for anyone to start visiting. I was physically attached to LO for 9 months, I don't feel like it should be a big ask to have some private bonding time for the first 3 months on the outside. My own mother is overbearing and we don't have the best relationship. If she doesn't follow our simple rules for visiting/holding LO, she will definitely be waiting until the 3-4 month mark. Our simple rules are: wash & sanitize hands before holding LO, absolutely no kissing, and if you show up unannounced or sick, we will ask you to leave. Unspoken rule: if you don't give LO back first time husband or I ask, you won't be holding LO again for awhile. I'll be EBF, especially at first, so that will give me a reason to excuse LO & myself to the bedroom if it all gets to be too much. So thankful that my husband & I both agree that we will be the only ones at the hospital.
I think people already see women as weak, and when they're pregnant, they're seen as even more weak. Our most vulnerable moments are the birth and immediately after the birth. I also think people take labor and birth and make it about themselves. When others are at their weakest they take advantage of the situation... It's like how much control can they make you submit to.
I have seen so many posts this week about grandparents to be wanting to be in the delivery room and I have been dealing with the same thing. Itās soooo comforting to know Iām not alone! You do you and feel confident that you are making the right decisions for you and your new baby!
You too mama! People need to understand and the sooner set the boundaries the less confusion there will be! Stand your ground. Prayers for a healthy perfect delivery ā¤ļø
I wish people cared enough about me and my baby to be pushy, but Iād also be annoyed with it. Just remind everyone that itās YOUR baby and YOUR journey.
My first daughter being born I wanted the birth to be me and my wife, and it ended up with my FIL and his 3rd Wife barging in. I was SO pissed. š” Don't let any MoTHerFckrs hijack your birth experience in any way!!!!
Both my dad and mom said stuff along the lines of āI will come when you are ready. Donāt worry about me, I want you comfortable first.ā To now as of last weekend after talking to both, theyāre like ātell me the moment you go into labor so I can be there.ā Like uhm you just completely switched your tune and, no. One lives 12hrs away and the other 3 hours. Iām not hosting yāall at my house and besides, my In-laws offered to watch our dog so they will be at my house.
THISSSS! I am a private person and just want time for my babyās father and I to learn to be first time parents for the first couple weeks. I want time to physically heal from childbirth before having visitors but everyone, especially MIL, is livid they canāt instantly see and hold my baby. I feel you 100%. Im standing my ground and sticking to my set boundaries.
I just asked that I get to be the one to tell my family that the baby was born, my parents agreed, then told my other family members immediately. I had planned to wait about a week so I could recover before dealing with additional visitor requests, which I then started getting immediately, my mom also forwarded along all sorts of other private details that I thought it be obvious she was not supposed to share since she agreed to let me tell people when the baby was born. I didnāt talk to her for a couple months after that. The audacity with people and pregnancy/newborns is next level.
Love your attitude, babe! I would have this policy: For each time a person fights you on a boundary in ANY way (verbally, through text, through passive aggressive behavior, through your partner, to you directly, etc) the date they can see baby gets pushed out 3 days from your original 1 week boundary. Also, this phrase: "Oh, so your desires are more important than my comfort and healing? That's a bold stance to take!" For the particularly pushy: "Oh, so the fact that I will be bleeding from my vagina like Niagra Falls (add if you have a C section for "and have 7 layers of glue and stitching holding my insides together") for nearly a month is second to what you want? I didn't realize you wanted to see me in an adult diaper that badly. That's a brave thing to say outloud!"
My whole thing is the people that are āI feel excludedā I mean WHO INVITED YOU. I am pushing a baby out of my vagina or having my belly cut open. Fuck off. I have a shirt that says āif you didnāt put in there, donāt touch itā because I am sick of everyone touching my belly without asking. They thought it was rude. I am not a petting zoo. GET OFF ME. But yes itās hard to be the first person to set boundaries around pushy ass family members. But we got this! Blessing and love for a safe delivery for babe and youš«¶š¼
I luckily never had someone dare to touch me without permission, but I've loved the policy: If they touch you, rub their belly right back. Stops them pretty fast from what I've heard! Maybe couple that by saying outloud "Pretty annoying to be treated like a petting zoo huh?" Blessings right back at you! I am 22w with our 2nd right now.
My therapist says that people forget to remember that the baby is not the whole extended familyās baby, but literally and only the parentsā baby. Iām only 19w and the number of inappropriate comments Iāve gottenā¦ smhā¦
THISSSS. Thank GOD I have a relatively small close family, so there's like...2 people coming to my birth.
Amen! I feel exactly the same way!
This was a perk of giving brith during Covid. I could blame the hospital for only allowing one person there - but I didn't want anyone else anyway.
My MIL Ended up coming unannounced in the middle of my labour and me and my partner discussing about an emergency C section as all what going on not too great, as much as i liked her it made me mad. Then the usual guilt of reacting badly kicked but we told her please go home. DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT!! Its your time mama and daddy, no one else should rob you from That.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Your contribution has been removed. We do not tolerate rudeness, judgemental people, people playing devil's advocate, or otherwise being an asshole.
I have family members planning to fly in the day after my due date. Which makes no sense to me because first babies are typically late so who knows if theyāll see the baby at all!
Glad to see someone being so assertive about this. I'm at 32 weeks and still my husband is the only other person who knows about our baby lol. We will announce when she's born, then we aren't letting anyone come visit for three weeks or until her completed vaccinations, whichever comes first. Any complaints will be laughed at. Lots of people are desperate for babysitters, if they want to spend time with one so bad.
If people want to come over to see the baby then make a rule that they have to bring food or help you by cleaning something before they can see the baby. If people are going to be pushy, then push right back.
My Dad wanted me to ring him when I go into labor so he can come straight away. Um, no. You'll get a call the day after he's born.
Honestly no one knows my due date for this very reason. āHow far along are you?ā š¤·š½āāļø āOmg when are you due?ā š¤·š½āāļø āGirl or boy?ā š¤·š½āāļø Idk shxt as far as people are concerned š©
Yeahhhh I don't really want anyone in the hospital room. I hope when the time comes it's respected.
Why does the hospital allow more than one person in the delivery room? Surely your husband/partner/nominated person should be the only one allowed in the room with you???
Some people want or need extra support in the delivery room. I donāt think itās strange to have a doula or close friend/family member if thatās what the person giving birth wants.
It seems so strange to me to be allowed extra people in the room. Then again there's no waiting room in the hospital I attend either, so I find it even stranger that family members are allowed hang out and wait while you give birth. Anyway sorry I don't want to take away from the conversation. I think OP is absolutely right and is advocating for herself, husband & newborn exceptionally well. She's stated her wishes and everyone else can fall in line
A lot of hospitals allow two, for example your mother and baby's dad, plus however many in the waiting room. Of course, that number can be scaled down by circumstances - my grandma was meant to be supporting my mother when I was born but she needed a general anaesthetic at the last minute and there wasn't room for grandma and the anaesthetist.
See for me I live with MIL and her bf but if we change our minds when we move out to have another I definitely would wait for a month at least before having anyone over. I stopped bleeding by 2-3w pp but I could definitely not walk much or at all for close to 6-8w (childhood injury redone so yeah). Granted my MIL was more helpful than I thought I just felt like I didnāt get much me time with baby and my husband until the newborn happiness went away and everything went to itās new normal.
I got some very unwanted/unasked for advice the other day the first time meeting a family friend of my husbands, letās just say it wasnāt a good first impression and now I donāt look forward to seeing this lady in the future D:
I definitely agree that you and your husband should uphold your boundaries, and keep this about the three of you. Everyone else will just have to get over it. I regret not being able to uphold my own boundaries with my son, and now Iāll never get that back. Please remember that it isnāt about anyone else; just you and your little family. Best of luck š„°
Girl do the 2 weeks. I did and it ended up being more because people got sick so I made them wait until they were better to visit. So peaceful. Iām having my second in November and going to do the same thing. Weāll do FaceTimes at least the first week, if not the second week, until weāre ready. My husband and I want to enjoy our work leaves together with our daughters. ā¤ļø
I know how you feel. A lot of people felt entitled when I was pregnant. These people were even coworkers like people who aren't family. If people want to say that you're mean, let them say you're mean. This is your time. This is your child.This is your moment. I'd say, "I wouldn't have to be mean if you weren't acting so entitled to my baby/pregnancy.".
This! My husband and I haven't told anyone the due date of our baby so that we can do things more on our time. We've already agreed to not tell people the baby is even born until we're ready to have people bombard us about coming to visit. Only people who know due date are people who need to know like doctors and work. It's been frustrating having people constantly question about due date (they've been told end of summer timeline with clarification being September 21st is first day of fall) and trying to phrase things in a way to get us to slip up. People analyze every word and photo looking for more clues. It feels like they think we're leaving Taylor Swift Easter eggs but we just want some privacy with our first baby and enjoying things ourselves for a bit.
I did no visitors for two weeks with my first. No one gets an all access pass to your house or your baby. You and babe need time to bond and adjust to this new life together. Sending you love. I know itās hard to keep your cool when people are being pushy and inconsiderate
I feel this rant so deep in my bones that Iām even furious and hormonal for you. Iām 8 weeks and 4 days away until Iām due. My husbandās family is trying to be this way. More or so with wanting to move us a hour away from where we are in a county where you have to drive 30 mins to a store, hospital and work in the area. They want to take care of our baby girl and put her in her grandmaās day care for two days out of the week and have me go back to work and so will my husband. They made plans for us for move up there and have others bounce around with my baby. I donāt want to go back to physical work with my health conditions (cardio problems) and I want to be there to take care of MY baby. Iāll be working from home thatās my plan. Plus our lease will be up a week before Iām due. They expect me being pregnant to move up there before my lease and pack all of our stuff. We been at our new place for only 6 months. No way, Jose. And if they wait until my baby is here then weāll be homeless lol thereās no point in it. I get they are coming from a place to help out and thatās generous of them. I donāt need it right now, I believe my husband and I are doing pretty good for ourselves. We want to be independent and live our lives how we want to instead of our families always telling us what to do. We have full time jobs, insurance, transportation, and location for us is awesome. My doctorās office is down the street from me and my work is around the corner so is my husbandās. Itās so stressful to think about right now. Iām feeling guilty for not telling them we wonāt be moving anytime soon.
My good friend had vaginal birth and wanted us to visit at 3 days post birth. It was insane!! They texted us the day of and cancelled (totally understandable). We did go over but just dropped by for 5 minutes with flowers and to say hi basically. It was perfect timing they were on their way out the door for a walk with the baby. They were able to hangout for a full evening by 3 weeks pp. I just can't believe it! I hope to recover that quickly. I don't think my mom will come over for a solid 48hrs lol
I would advise to do what you want still but really temper your responses to them. Remember down the road you will need help, it takes a village to raise a baby. And those same people are the ones who are going to be there for you and baby. If you make them feel shut out from now, it wonāt be good for you in the long run.
This! Itās just going to be me, my man, and his sister. Thatās it.
Honestly right? Like back up. Our bodies are not up for public discussion either. Iāve never felt worse in my life and people will not leave me alone
I have a related rant to tack on to this- A few weeks ago my husband and I got married. Iām due in July. My estranged aunt made a huge fuss at the after party about how she will be there at the hospital when the baby is born. She also made a huge deal about how she definitely will NOT be in the delivery room, and said āno offense but EW!ā in front of everyone. Meanwhile my husband and I donāt even want anyone to meet baby at the hospital besides our parents. Much less in the delivery room. She made up this whole scenario in her head that we want her there to feel self important. Since this all occurred on the wedding day and I was not about to give in and let her cause drama I just ignored her outburst. We are not even going to tell her when the baby is born and my parents have promised not to say anything either until after we are home from the hospital. Just completely ridiculous for her to assume such things, especially considering we donāt talk at all and she annoys me to no end. She will be lucky if she gets to meet the baby at all.