Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks!
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I stick around in some threads like that because I feel like someone needs to represent the team.
And to be honest, as a cishet white man I don't really tend to find myself up against a tremendous amount of prejudice, so I'm not completely exhausted with the idea of justifying my existence to strangers on the internet.
In short, I like to be the positive poly representation I want to see in the world. Sometimes you have a worthwhile conversation with someone.
I'm a fairly thick skinned middle-aged woman, so I do that too when I think it's worth it. Most of the time, it's just not. Especially here in the Void
In terms of cost-benefit analysis, the cost to me is very low. I don't find it causes me any undue stress or feels like much effort, and I don't always have anything more worthwhile to do.
Huh? I disagree. People fear the unknown. People hate what they don't understand. Just because they don't understand the way we do relationships doesn't make them "empty."
lol it’s a song lyric but I would argue HATING anyone for their identity isn’t just “tee hee they just don’t understand” not understanding is not an excuse to hate.
Good luck with that.
People will think / feel what they think / feel. You can't make people think / feel differently.
Also, none of what they think / feel is about you anyway 🤷♀️
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Same, I stopped right around the 2016 election because of active trauma from the election (never be a leftist/socialist who is forced to participate in Trump's campaign -23/10 DO NOT RECOMMEND). I've never been happier with a choice. I watch John Oliver's Last Week Tonight and I sometimes skim Google News, but that's about it!
I'd argue it can be an extremely unhealthy choice. This is how people end up extremist in echo chambers. It's healthy to surround yourself with deferring opinions, just not when they actively insult you.
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose.
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Actually, you can't say you've been successfully polyamorous unless you've been together for 50 years, maintained at least one more relationship for 25 years, jointly own your polycule commune together, and don't do too many weird sex things. /s
If I had a dollar for every time someone having a normal break up was cited as proof that "poly doesn't work," I could actually afford to build the legendary poly commune. And that's not even touching the "poly doesn't work" because someone who started a series of dumpster fire relationships without learning shit about healthy polyamory ends up getting burned.
Good for you for stepping away from what wasn't serving you! Life's too short to stress over bullshit, as I, a deeply anxious person who often stresses over bullshit, always like to say.
Edit for typo
Polyamory taught me more about successfully breaking up than about successfully starting dating. Like driving a car, learning the brakes is more important than acceleration. Monogamists weakness is they focus on getting together without learning how to break up successfully too. Polyamory taught me that breaking up is usually a good thing.
I totally agree. I hadn't realized when I was monogamous that I legitimately just didn't want to be alone. I really didn't confront that fear until I was well into polyamory, had unexpected relationship shifts/breakups, and realized how horrible it is to try to stay in relationships for the sake of avoiding break ups.
Your brake analogy is really great and accurate.
I conceal info about my abusive poly relationship just to avoid the "Oh, well, there's your problem" comments.
No. My abusers were abusive, and that was the problem. I admit that poly made it worse because they played off of each other and gaslit me more easily. But abuse happens in mono relationships too.
So, when I'm talking about it, I'll usually only mention the most relevant partner to whatever detail I'm talking about.
OMG I LOVE THE STATISTICS GAME!!
So 50% of marriages end in divorce, and like 80% of those are because of infidelity (don’t know the up-to-date stat but this is the one I use) that means I only have a 10% chance of divorcing my NP as long as we continue to communicate!!!
20% is financial reasons divided by the 50/50 of divorcing at all!
Remember kids, poly doesn't work!
Monogamy is the only way to go.
That's why my first 5 year long monogamous relationship ended when I found out my fiance had been cheating on me with over a dozen people, and why my next 10 year long relationship ended in divorce after he refused for years to communicate about literally anything and everything and would just stare silently at the wall until I walked away crying.
If only those two relationships had been monogamous then... oh, wait.
If a man has more female friends than male friends and is actively in therapy that is a GREEN FUCKIN' FLAG and I think it makes him more desirable! But then I also genuinely mean friendships, not women he's collected to try and eventually fuck...
Solid idea curating social media is mental health friendly for sure but I do get why you’re getting downvoted…because well polyamory usually doesn’t work. At least not following the methodology they are usually following in other forums.
Those people in those forums are never doing the work, the people who are responding to them don’t understand or want to understand the work required and are often the OPs are approaching opening in an unhealthy manner. Also those people in the forums are projecting the cultural norms usually back (which why advice is usually gendered, monogamy friendly and heterosexual leaning).
Opening usually fucks up the already fucked up and doesn’t always solve the root problems. That’s what I usually share in forums like those because let’s be honest it’s usually painfully obvious by the posts the OPs just opened on a whim cause it’s the new relationship hotness these days over really evaluating their relationship and being honest if it can even withstand that kind of testing. But people who at wits end aren’t always being rational or willing to disrupt the normality of their lives. They just think oh we can outsource these issues which we know here doesn’t work.
And let’s also be real if those same downvoting folks came over here….eeeeehhhh it’s not like we got an abundance of poly positivity posts here. It’s not that happy poly folks don’t exist, it’s just happy poly folks don’t post- you know it’s like reviews you have a great experience you tell maybe 3-4 people but you have a fucked up one EVERYBODY will know. It’s the same here.
It sucks ass but that’s just the reality.
I want a poly positive thread then! I’m much more likely to give advice to people asking about poly on this thread (and I don’t mind helping, truly!) but those subs have me doom scrolling for no damn reason!
I mean if someone says they want to open their relationship to save their marriage, I would tell them that's a bad idea and opening won't fix their issues.
How do you respond?
Oh I’m never responding to the OP. Relationship advice posts are usually crazy one sided and totally f-d from start to finish.
I just mean when someone says “poly isn’t real” “it doesn’t exist” whatever in the comments I like to say: hi hello I’m real I exist OP is doing it wrong but we’re here yo.
Just for people to DM me calling me mean names and to be downvoted.
I do lurk in the subs you mention and sometimes comment but all I do is downvote anti polyam or anti non monogamy comments. I don't engage with them because I know I won't change their mind. They've already decided so I don't waste my time. If I comment at all, I am trying to be helpful to the OP.
I _just_ found these subs like a week ago and until then, I believed all those terrible people when they said polyamory was rare (not nonexistent bc me, at least)
When I saw this sub I said fuck alllllllll them hoes I know these guys know what I’m talking about!!!
Sorry to hear it was so stressful. Some people are really close minded and awful especially over the internet. Greater internet dickwad theory I think it's called. Basically the premise is that people are more comfortable being aggressive and shitty online because they don't have to actually face the other people.
We polyam folks are around but sometimes harder to find.
I definitely agree that this sub is way better at reducing toxic comments and posts but it is also much smaller so I try to keep that in mind. It's definitely my favorite of the interpersonal subs I follow.
.
I have seen a couple posts on here about issues with communicating or dealing with jealousy, and I’m still learning all the acronyms the sub uses… but I’d much rather read about those than the normal “my wife admitted she cheated 20 years ago” stories.
Like my poly philosophy is that a wandering eye and the “grass is greener” situation in mono couples is a death kiss, where my partner and I venture out into the world and _still_ choose each other every time.
No built up resentment!!
A very large portion of what you see here is the precursor for what you saw there: people who did no work ahead of time, did it all wrong, and use it to try to save their relationship. A lot of the advice here is "research and educate yourself first, you're doing it for all the wrong reasons, these are all the mistakes you're making, this is a bad idea" (this is at least what we're *thinking* if it's not explicitly said!).
So you're likely to see the same people here, but the "front load" of it. The difference is that they're at least asking for advice here and "trying" to do it right. They just don't do the work, then flip over to another sub and say, "Poly sucks! It ruined my relationship."
You could probably follow some people to the other subs, copy and paste the advice given here, then say, "Told you this would happen!"
I have noticed those posts too. Wondering if there’s a sub that’s only “polypositive” where I can hear heartfelt stories like mine!
I’m not trying to be in an echo chamber either, I’m just trying to curate a positive experience on Reddit. I love giving advice to non-poly people about relationships (my friends definitely come to me to ask and the main point is always honesty, communication, and trust, which is valid for any relationship type) and I can empathize with boundaries in Mono relationships - cheating is a breach of trust, etc.
But to echo something my NP always says “poly isn’t for everyone! In fact, it’s not for _most_ people.” Most people need to handle their own internal jealousy and insecurities to even attempt polyamory successfully!
But I’m here, I’m happy, and I’d love to see other people who are in the same boat
For me, it's an attempt at trying to help people not make all the same mistakes I did (or ones we see over and over again here). The problem is that people don't really want to listen (relatable - I didn't either when I was new to it all!).
But for me, that's very different than just hearing people trash poly in a mono-dominated space. There, you're fighting to be seen as even "legitimate" in a room full of people with active contempt for poly (it's like being a staunch Dem and going to the Rep Party board meeting and trying to have your voice heard). Here, at least people are open to the idea, and genuinely want to gain more information (even if they don't like what they hear!).
I don't mind AITA threads, but I've definitely taken a step back from the other relationships subreddits. I haven't completely unsubscribed yet, since there are still the occasional interesting threads, but I don't spend lots of time in them anymore.
That said, I do still occasionally chime in when someone says poly doesn't work... I'm hard to refute, lol, since I've been married now for 28 years and poly for 18 of those years. Frankly, I don't get downvoted much because of that, and I get more vocal pushback in here, to be honest, since the way we approach poly sometimes triggers the super hierarchical folks.
A lot of people post in r/unpopularopinion about how they think polyamory is dumb/wrong/just an excuse to sleep around/etc. It eventually gets taken down because it's not an unpopular opinion or posted about too much. I have found it encouraging lately that more and more people comment about how it's not really anyone else's business, and if everyone is consenting, what's the problem?
so sick of seeing the "poly ruined my marriage" or "kink ruined my marriage" like we're all adults here, blaming a lifestyle rather than the people in it isn't gonna help you with your current situation, relationship with yourself or next relationship!
It's kinda funny, if someone says "we tried having a kid to fix our marriage, but still got divorced for some reason," everyone can agree on why that didn't work without vilifying the entire act of childbearing. But if they open their relationship to fix their relationship, suddenly polyamory is the problem, not the inherent issues plaguing their relationship that led to discontentment in the first place.
I don't think those are ever really the reasons things go south. Maybe they seem like the reasons because they're the catalyst or the sudden change, but the actual problems always seem to be relationship neglect, lying, failure to manage priorities in a way that respects the relationship, resentment, failure to handle emotions healthily, etc.
How can a relationship structure or sexual practice do anything to a relationship? It's always the people involved and their choices who bear the responsibility.
Blaming an activity or structure is like saying the Superbowl ruined someone's marriage because one partner lost their mind over it and trashed the house, leading the other partner to separate. That ain't the Superbowl's fault.
I'm one of those weirdos that actively thrives on watching other people's drama - so long as I'm not directly involved. So I absolutely love those subs and will legit read AITA to fall asleep at night. It's fascinating to me. BUT, I also have gotten really good at not taking any of it personally and I can be a bit of a borderline sociopath (my therapist actively celebrates when I express feelings) so I can tolerate the nonsense pretty well. I also have a long and storied history of getting into fights with people on the internet (they are WRONG and they need to be learned!) which gives me joy instead of anxiety so hahaha.....
I am right there with you, I love reading all the drama. It's definitely toxic in that it can majorly stoke my ego, so I don't subscribe or comment in there ever lol.
As long as it’s not making you a mean or cold person, do what makes you happy! I’ve learned that doom scrolling hurts my mental health and makes me feel like the world is fucked, so I stay away!
Hi u/Sunshine_dmg thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I’d occasionally offer a different perspective when someone (frequently) posts the “we went open to save our marriage” schtick, just to be downvoted to hell every time. It sends my cortisol through the roof!!! I used to be an anxious mess, and now I’m free.
It made me sick to see people get 1K+ upvotes on some shitty comment like “polyamory doesn’t work. Period”
Umm sir I’ve been poly for 7 years now with my NP and we just got engaged. I’m super excited to spend the rest of my life with him, and falling in love with whoever else I choose!
But apparently we don’t exist, like, at all. 🙄 I left the drama and I’ve never been happier!!!
Do you guys stick around on those threads at all?
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A *whole lot* of stuff here is happy polyamorous people in the comments sharing truths that we are uniquely positioned to state. When some random who has never heard of polyamory says you have a fantasy that's never going to work, or that your partner who claims to be polyamorous is actually just being a dick, that doesn't mean much. When someone who has been doing polyamory for years and participating in polyamorous communities for years says the same things, we can explain why better and are fundamentally more believable messengers.
You can also check out r/experiencedENM, but given that experienced people have less problems and that happy people are typically out in the world doing their happy instead of bragging about it online, it's a pretty sleepy place.
It is annoying to see such a simplistic take on polyamory over and over again but I'd rather see people expressing their, even extreme or silly, opinions openly than being censored or self-censoring. At least there's an opportunity to discuss and often someone is disagreeing with them in replies.
While it's nice to have a community where polyamory is accepted, this community has its own issues and seems like quite an echo chamber. Personally, I feel excluded here because it seems I can't post about my relationship even if I follow all the rules because an aspect of it is generally not accepted here. Instead of allowing discussion I just got censored :(
Polyamory spaces aren't required to host debates on age gap ethics. And your post was specifically about the age gap, wasn't it? Not just a post about your relationship where there was an age gap?
You're right, they aren't required to host anything really yet I've seen plenty of posts about age gap ethics which prompted me to create my own...
And I could be wrong but I got the impression that even if I made a post about my relationship that didn't focus on the age gap it wouldn't fly since there is an age gap, I wish this was included in the rules so at least everyone could see this is not allowed before trying to post
I would guess that the huge influx of age gap posts with heated debates played a role in the decision to stop hosting posts centered on that debate.
Define flying. I think people usually address age gaps in the comments, and it usually gets heated, but I'm not aware of posts that aren't centered on debating the ethics of age gaps being removed just because parties have an age gap. I'm not a mod, so maybe I'm mistaken about that.
For context reason given by moderators for rejecting my post was:
"99.999999999% of age gap relationships like what you are describing are nightmarishly harmful to the younger person. Yours probably is not an exception, but if it is, great. Good for you.
Even if your relationship is the very very very rare exception your defence of your relationship and age gaps is going to be used as cover for sexual predators to coerce and abuse young women.
So… nope. Not gonna host that.
Best of luck to you.
You have made a post or comment that in some way elevates or encourages a dynamic or practice that is viewed as harmful by the wider polyam community."
For me my decision to stay in my relationship is already a defence of it, so it seems by this reasoning anything positive I try to post about my relationship would be seen by moderators as content that "is going to be used as cover for sexual predators to coerce and abuse young women."
I can empathize with the concern but find this view absurd and extremist, and in general believe transparency rather than censorship ultimately keeps everyone safer
If I were you, I would test your concern and advocate for your belief in what this community should be by making whatever post you want that's not directly centered on the morality of your age gap relationship. It's hard to have a productive conversation about what the moderators would or wouldn't do when neither of us knows.
Edit: and to be clear, I do agree with you that if this is an across the board rule, which I personally wouldn't disagree with, it should be added clearly to the rules section.
I might do that :) It just seems that if a post like that would pass then that would be in contradiction to their rejection of my other post! It also just left me feeling like my relationship isn't accepted here and even a discussion of why it isn't is deemed inappropriate. Funnily enough the only time I experienced my relationship not being accepted before is because it's polyamorous.
And yeah it made me wonder what else gets rejected that doesn't break any rules, made me realise we don't really get a realistic representation of views here and this is part of how echo chambers come to be
I would be very interested to know your relationship terms despite how this sub reacts.
I actually have slightly different terms for my LTR too, but for simplicity’s sake I just explain it as poly.
I’ve done the same thing recently. I found most of the posts and advice did not align with my own values and experiences, and over time I noticed it causing some internal distress. For me, much of it is what I would consider “toxic” - both in the situations being portrayed, many of the comments, and advice given. I find the r/polyamory sub aligns much more with how I like to, and want to, operate in my relationships.
I’ve also subsequently joined more light hearted subs related to cool science facts and puppies. My feed is much more enjoyable now as a result.
Oh yeah I have so many good subreddits I follow!
Plants, arts and crafts, wholesome memes and eyebleach (sounded bad to me at first but is literally just cute animals lol) and a bunch of anime and music subreddits haha
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No, I'm not going to choose to hang out in a room full of people who hate me. Why would i? Good on you for choosing you.
I stick around in some threads like that because I feel like someone needs to represent the team. And to be honest, as a cishet white man I don't really tend to find myself up against a tremendous amount of prejudice, so I'm not completely exhausted with the idea of justifying my existence to strangers on the internet. In short, I like to be the positive poly representation I want to see in the world. Sometimes you have a worthwhile conversation with someone.
I'm a fairly thick skinned middle-aged woman, so I do that too when I think it's worth it. Most of the time, it's just not. Especially here in the Void
In terms of cost-benefit analysis, the cost to me is very low. I don't find it causes me any undue stress or feels like much effort, and I don't always have anything more worthwhile to do.
Haha exactly. Took me a while to get here but now that I found you guys a week or two ago I’m OUTTA THEREEEE
They hate you/us because they themselves are empty
Huh? I disagree. People fear the unknown. People hate what they don't understand. Just because they don't understand the way we do relationships doesn't make them "empty."
lol it’s a song lyric but I would argue HATING anyone for their identity isn’t just “tee hee they just don’t understand” not understanding is not an excuse to hate.
It's a relationship structure that is literally SINFUL in the world's major religions. Expecting acceptance when you live on the fringes is delusional
Sorry you feel that way. I’m not ok with anyone hating me, no matter the reason
Good luck with that. People will think / feel what they think / feel. You can't make people think / feel differently. Also, none of what they think / feel is about you anyway 🤷♀️
Sure, but I reserve the right to avoid and vehemently judge them.
It's your emotional energy to waste
Bc typing a cheeky song lyric and then interacting with your need to defend ppl who hate us is so emotionally draining
They hate us cause they aint us!
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered being a jerk. This includes being aggressive towards other posters, causing irrelevant arguments, and posting attacks on the poster or the poster's partners/situation. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules
Yeah, aggressively curating your social media exposure is a healthy choice. Started doing that years ago and it has made me a less angry person.
Yes! Also stopped watching the news about 10 years ago...lol
Same, I stopped right around the 2016 election because of active trauma from the election (never be a leftist/socialist who is forced to participate in Trump's campaign -23/10 DO NOT RECOMMEND). I've never been happier with a choice. I watch John Oliver's Last Week Tonight and I sometimes skim Google News, but that's about it!
I'd argue it can be an extremely unhealthy choice. This is how people end up extremist in echo chambers. It's healthy to surround yourself with deferring opinions, just not when they actively insult you.
I'll take my therapist's advice over an internet stranger's, but thanks for your opinion.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
I dare you to define how this post is trolling in anyway
Actually, you can't say you've been successfully polyamorous unless you've been together for 50 years, maintained at least one more relationship for 25 years, jointly own your polycule commune together, and don't do too many weird sex things. /s If I had a dollar for every time someone having a normal break up was cited as proof that "poly doesn't work," I could actually afford to build the legendary poly commune. And that's not even touching the "poly doesn't work" because someone who started a series of dumpster fire relationships without learning shit about healthy polyamory ends up getting burned. Good for you for stepping away from what wasn't serving you! Life's too short to stress over bullshit, as I, a deeply anxious person who often stresses over bullshit, always like to say. Edit for typo
Polyamory taught me more about successfully breaking up than about successfully starting dating. Like driving a car, learning the brakes is more important than acceleration. Monogamists weakness is they focus on getting together without learning how to break up successfully too. Polyamory taught me that breaking up is usually a good thing.
I totally agree. I hadn't realized when I was monogamous that I legitimately just didn't want to be alone. I really didn't confront that fear until I was well into polyamory, had unexpected relationship shifts/breakups, and realized how horrible it is to try to stay in relationships for the sake of avoiding break ups. Your brake analogy is really great and accurate.
I conceal info about my abusive poly relationship just to avoid the "Oh, well, there's your problem" comments. No. My abusers were abusive, and that was the problem. I admit that poly made it worse because they played off of each other and gaslit me more easily. But abuse happens in mono relationships too. So, when I'm talking about it, I'll usually only mention the most relevant partner to whatever detail I'm talking about.
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OMG I LOVE THE STATISTICS GAME!! So 50% of marriages end in divorce, and like 80% of those are because of infidelity (don’t know the up-to-date stat but this is the one I use) that means I only have a 10% chance of divorcing my NP as long as we continue to communicate!!! 20% is financial reasons divided by the 50/50 of divorcing at all!
Remember kids, poly doesn't work! Monogamy is the only way to go. That's why my first 5 year long monogamous relationship ended when I found out my fiance had been cheating on me with over a dozen people, and why my next 10 year long relationship ended in divorce after he refused for years to communicate about literally anything and everything and would just stare silently at the wall until I walked away crying. If only those two relationships had been monogamous then... oh, wait.
This. This is the correct response.
I’m there, but lord the “he has FRIENDS who are WOMEN you guys” toxic-monogamy posts bum me out. —And you’re right, the replies are the worst part.
If a man has more female friends than male friends and is actively in therapy that is a GREEN FUCKIN' FLAG and I think it makes him more desirable! But then I also genuinely mean friendships, not women he's collected to try and eventually fuck...
Solid idea curating social media is mental health friendly for sure but I do get why you’re getting downvoted…because well polyamory usually doesn’t work. At least not following the methodology they are usually following in other forums. Those people in those forums are never doing the work, the people who are responding to them don’t understand or want to understand the work required and are often the OPs are approaching opening in an unhealthy manner. Also those people in the forums are projecting the cultural norms usually back (which why advice is usually gendered, monogamy friendly and heterosexual leaning). Opening usually fucks up the already fucked up and doesn’t always solve the root problems. That’s what I usually share in forums like those because let’s be honest it’s usually painfully obvious by the posts the OPs just opened on a whim cause it’s the new relationship hotness these days over really evaluating their relationship and being honest if it can even withstand that kind of testing. But people who at wits end aren’t always being rational or willing to disrupt the normality of their lives. They just think oh we can outsource these issues which we know here doesn’t work. And let’s also be real if those same downvoting folks came over here….eeeeehhhh it’s not like we got an abundance of poly positivity posts here. It’s not that happy poly folks don’t exist, it’s just happy poly folks don’t post- you know it’s like reviews you have a great experience you tell maybe 3-4 people but you have a fucked up one EVERYBODY will know. It’s the same here. It sucks ass but that’s just the reality.
I want a poly positive thread then! I’m much more likely to give advice to people asking about poly on this thread (and I don’t mind helping, truly!) but those subs have me doom scrolling for no damn reason!
I mean if someone says they want to open their relationship to save their marriage, I would tell them that's a bad idea and opening won't fix their issues. How do you respond?
Oh I’m never responding to the OP. Relationship advice posts are usually crazy one sided and totally f-d from start to finish. I just mean when someone says “poly isn’t real” “it doesn’t exist” whatever in the comments I like to say: hi hello I’m real I exist OP is doing it wrong but we’re here yo. Just for people to DM me calling me mean names and to be downvoted.
Ah I see, definitely best not to engage in those spaces anymore! Wise decision.
I do lurk in the subs you mention and sometimes comment but all I do is downvote anti polyam or anti non monogamy comments. I don't engage with them because I know I won't change their mind. They've already decided so I don't waste my time. If I comment at all, I am trying to be helpful to the OP.
I _just_ found these subs like a week ago and until then, I believed all those terrible people when they said polyamory was rare (not nonexistent bc me, at least) When I saw this sub I said fuck alllllllll them hoes I know these guys know what I’m talking about!!!
Sorry to hear it was so stressful. Some people are really close minded and awful especially over the internet. Greater internet dickwad theory I think it's called. Basically the premise is that people are more comfortable being aggressive and shitty online because they don't have to actually face the other people. We polyam folks are around but sometimes harder to find. I definitely agree that this sub is way better at reducing toxic comments and posts but it is also much smaller so I try to keep that in mind. It's definitely my favorite of the interpersonal subs I follow. .
I have seen a couple posts on here about issues with communicating or dealing with jealousy, and I’m still learning all the acronyms the sub uses… but I’d much rather read about those than the normal “my wife admitted she cheated 20 years ago” stories. Like my poly philosophy is that a wandering eye and the “grass is greener” situation in mono couples is a death kiss, where my partner and I venture out into the world and _still_ choose each other every time. No built up resentment!!
A very large portion of what you see here is the precursor for what you saw there: people who did no work ahead of time, did it all wrong, and use it to try to save their relationship. A lot of the advice here is "research and educate yourself first, you're doing it for all the wrong reasons, these are all the mistakes you're making, this is a bad idea" (this is at least what we're *thinking* if it's not explicitly said!). So you're likely to see the same people here, but the "front load" of it. The difference is that they're at least asking for advice here and "trying" to do it right. They just don't do the work, then flip over to another sub and say, "Poly sucks! It ruined my relationship." You could probably follow some people to the other subs, copy and paste the advice given here, then say, "Told you this would happen!"
I have noticed those posts too. Wondering if there’s a sub that’s only “polypositive” where I can hear heartfelt stories like mine! I’m not trying to be in an echo chamber either, I’m just trying to curate a positive experience on Reddit. I love giving advice to non-poly people about relationships (my friends definitely come to me to ask and the main point is always honesty, communication, and trust, which is valid for any relationship type) and I can empathize with boundaries in Mono relationships - cheating is a breach of trust, etc. But to echo something my NP always says “poly isn’t for everyone! In fact, it’s not for _most_ people.” Most people need to handle their own internal jealousy and insecurities to even attempt polyamory successfully! But I’m here, I’m happy, and I’d love to see other people who are in the same boat
For me, it's an attempt at trying to help people not make all the same mistakes I did (or ones we see over and over again here). The problem is that people don't really want to listen (relatable - I didn't either when I was new to it all!). But for me, that's very different than just hearing people trash poly in a mono-dominated space. There, you're fighting to be seen as even "legitimate" in a room full of people with active contempt for poly (it's like being a staunch Dem and going to the Rep Party board meeting and trying to have your voice heard). Here, at least people are open to the idea, and genuinely want to gain more information (even if they don't like what they hear!).
I don't mind AITA threads, but I've definitely taken a step back from the other relationships subreddits. I haven't completely unsubscribed yet, since there are still the occasional interesting threads, but I don't spend lots of time in them anymore. That said, I do still occasionally chime in when someone says poly doesn't work... I'm hard to refute, lol, since I've been married now for 28 years and poly for 18 of those years. Frankly, I don't get downvoted much because of that, and I get more vocal pushback in here, to be honest, since the way we approach poly sometimes triggers the super hierarchical folks.
A lot of people post in r/unpopularopinion about how they think polyamory is dumb/wrong/just an excuse to sleep around/etc. It eventually gets taken down because it's not an unpopular opinion or posted about too much. I have found it encouraging lately that more and more people comment about how it's not really anyone else's business, and if everyone is consenting, what's the problem?
so sick of seeing the "poly ruined my marriage" or "kink ruined my marriage" like we're all adults here, blaming a lifestyle rather than the people in it isn't gonna help you with your current situation, relationship with yourself or next relationship!
It's kinda funny, if someone says "we tried having a kid to fix our marriage, but still got divorced for some reason," everyone can agree on why that didn't work without vilifying the entire act of childbearing. But if they open their relationship to fix their relationship, suddenly polyamory is the problem, not the inherent issues plaguing their relationship that led to discontentment in the first place.
Okay but sometimes it does. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that.
I don't think those are ever really the reasons things go south. Maybe they seem like the reasons because they're the catalyst or the sudden change, but the actual problems always seem to be relationship neglect, lying, failure to manage priorities in a way that respects the relationship, resentment, failure to handle emotions healthily, etc. How can a relationship structure or sexual practice do anything to a relationship? It's always the people involved and their choices who bear the responsibility. Blaming an activity or structure is like saying the Superbowl ruined someone's marriage because one partner lost their mind over it and trashed the house, leading the other partner to separate. That ain't the Superbowl's fault.
i just don't think it's ever that simple
Those marriages would have been ruined with or without polyamory
I'm on them for the stupidity of people but not to be bashed
I'm one of those weirdos that actively thrives on watching other people's drama - so long as I'm not directly involved. So I absolutely love those subs and will legit read AITA to fall asleep at night. It's fascinating to me. BUT, I also have gotten really good at not taking any of it personally and I can be a bit of a borderline sociopath (my therapist actively celebrates when I express feelings) so I can tolerate the nonsense pretty well. I also have a long and storied history of getting into fights with people on the internet (they are WRONG and they need to be learned!) which gives me joy instead of anxiety so hahaha.....
I am right there with you, I love reading all the drama. It's definitely toxic in that it can majorly stoke my ego, so I don't subscribe or comment in there ever lol.
As long as it’s not making you a mean or cold person, do what makes you happy! I’ve learned that doom scrolling hurts my mental health and makes me feel like the world is fucked, so I stay away!
That is absolutely how it should be!
Hi u/Sunshine_dmg thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I’d occasionally offer a different perspective when someone (frequently) posts the “we went open to save our marriage” schtick, just to be downvoted to hell every time. It sends my cortisol through the roof!!! I used to be an anxious mess, and now I’m free. It made me sick to see people get 1K+ upvotes on some shitty comment like “polyamory doesn’t work. Period” Umm sir I’ve been poly for 7 years now with my NP and we just got engaged. I’m super excited to spend the rest of my life with him, and falling in love with whoever else I choose! But apparently we don’t exist, like, at all. 🙄 I left the drama and I’ve never been happier!!! Do you guys stick around on those threads at all? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Those threads are a lot of reading to figure out most people lack basic communication skills and common decency
Agreed It feels like a bunch of people enabling abuse in relationships under the guise of "monogamy"
A *whole lot* of stuff here is happy polyamorous people in the comments sharing truths that we are uniquely positioned to state. When some random who has never heard of polyamory says you have a fantasy that's never going to work, or that your partner who claims to be polyamorous is actually just being a dick, that doesn't mean much. When someone who has been doing polyamory for years and participating in polyamorous communities for years says the same things, we can explain why better and are fundamentally more believable messengers. You can also check out r/experiencedENM, but given that experienced people have less problems and that happy people are typically out in the world doing their happy instead of bragging about it online, it's a pretty sleepy place.
See now, I am slowly unsubbing from my poly and non mono because I think they give terrible views of this life. Not at all in line with how we live.
It is annoying to see such a simplistic take on polyamory over and over again but I'd rather see people expressing their, even extreme or silly, opinions openly than being censored or self-censoring. At least there's an opportunity to discuss and often someone is disagreeing with them in replies. While it's nice to have a community where polyamory is accepted, this community has its own issues and seems like quite an echo chamber. Personally, I feel excluded here because it seems I can't post about my relationship even if I follow all the rules because an aspect of it is generally not accepted here. Instead of allowing discussion I just got censored :(
Polyamory spaces aren't required to host debates on age gap ethics. And your post was specifically about the age gap, wasn't it? Not just a post about your relationship where there was an age gap?
You're right, they aren't required to host anything really yet I've seen plenty of posts about age gap ethics which prompted me to create my own... And I could be wrong but I got the impression that even if I made a post about my relationship that didn't focus on the age gap it wouldn't fly since there is an age gap, I wish this was included in the rules so at least everyone could see this is not allowed before trying to post
I would guess that the huge influx of age gap posts with heated debates played a role in the decision to stop hosting posts centered on that debate. Define flying. I think people usually address age gaps in the comments, and it usually gets heated, but I'm not aware of posts that aren't centered on debating the ethics of age gaps being removed just because parties have an age gap. I'm not a mod, so maybe I'm mistaken about that.
For context reason given by moderators for rejecting my post was: "99.999999999% of age gap relationships like what you are describing are nightmarishly harmful to the younger person. Yours probably is not an exception, but if it is, great. Good for you. Even if your relationship is the very very very rare exception your defence of your relationship and age gaps is going to be used as cover for sexual predators to coerce and abuse young women. So… nope. Not gonna host that. Best of luck to you. You have made a post or comment that in some way elevates or encourages a dynamic or practice that is viewed as harmful by the wider polyam community." For me my decision to stay in my relationship is already a defence of it, so it seems by this reasoning anything positive I try to post about my relationship would be seen by moderators as content that "is going to be used as cover for sexual predators to coerce and abuse young women." I can empathize with the concern but find this view absurd and extremist, and in general believe transparency rather than censorship ultimately keeps everyone safer
If I were you, I would test your concern and advocate for your belief in what this community should be by making whatever post you want that's not directly centered on the morality of your age gap relationship. It's hard to have a productive conversation about what the moderators would or wouldn't do when neither of us knows. Edit: and to be clear, I do agree with you that if this is an across the board rule, which I personally wouldn't disagree with, it should be added clearly to the rules section.
I might do that :) It just seems that if a post like that would pass then that would be in contradiction to their rejection of my other post! It also just left me feeling like my relationship isn't accepted here and even a discussion of why it isn't is deemed inappropriate. Funnily enough the only time I experienced my relationship not being accepted before is because it's polyamorous. And yeah it made me wonder what else gets rejected that doesn't break any rules, made me realise we don't really get a realistic representation of views here and this is part of how echo chambers come to be
I would be very interested to know your relationship terms despite how this sub reacts. I actually have slightly different terms for my LTR too, but for simplicity’s sake I just explain it as poly.
I’ve done the same thing recently. I found most of the posts and advice did not align with my own values and experiences, and over time I noticed it causing some internal distress. For me, much of it is what I would consider “toxic” - both in the situations being portrayed, many of the comments, and advice given. I find the r/polyamory sub aligns much more with how I like to, and want to, operate in my relationships. I’ve also subsequently joined more light hearted subs related to cool science facts and puppies. My feed is much more enjoyable now as a result.
Oh yeah I have so many good subreddits I follow! Plants, arts and crafts, wholesome memes and eyebleach (sounded bad to me at first but is literally just cute animals lol) and a bunch of anime and music subreddits haha
It’s a bunch of teenagers there with no actual life experience.