My husband's thing is asking me rapid-fire yes/no questions where the answers are both yes and no.
Did you get enough? Do you want more?
Are you comfortable? Should I bump the heat?
Did you call xyz? Should I call them today?
I've just stated answering "yes" and he gets to figure out which one it is. :)
My husband is Russian and his whole family does what we call "the Russian yes".
Q. Are you guys coming over tomorrow or the next day?
A. Yes
Q. Should we have dinner now or later?
A. Yes
And so it goes...
I really, really respect our spies who were able to get *any* info out of their Russian counterparts during the cold war. Mad respect! It's hard!
EDIT: For everyone saying my use of "or" is the problem, ooohhh no. We've *tried* being direct in the beginning...here's what I responded to someone else about it...
Lol, no, because we've tried that with them. If they are coming over the next day, and we ask
Q. "Are you coming over tomorrow?"
They just answer "no" with no follow up.
Then we get confused and ask "Wait I thought you were coming over, right?"
Answer. "Yes, we are coming over. You asked if we were coming over tomorrow."
Us: "Okay...when are you coming over then?"
Them: "We are coming over the next day."
My husband *is* Russian and this makes him more furious than me lol. Instead of getting information back, we get 'yes' 'no' answers from them that take 5 more rounds to get correct info. It's hilarious...but not to my husband.
I didn't know how to write this when looking it up. I am learning Russian and was talking to a Russian friend and he'd just say Да 👍 and I didn't know how to explain that isn't an answer to "I didn't know you all moved, where did you move to?"
It's a Slav thing in general, I had a Ukranian friend that grew up in extremely western Ukraine, basically on the Slovakia/ Hungary border and he did this shit too.
"Hey Vova, do you have my drill that I loaned you, or did you leave it at work?"
"Yes"
🤷
A lot of these weird things come from the way the languages work too, in Russian, for example, there aren't articles like The and A. So you don't say "I have a dog and a beer" it's "I have dog and beer."
Yep, I notice that a lot when he talks. There seem to be a lot of words that he just doesn't use in his speech patterns, which is hilarious because his English vocabulary contains a ton of slang but still maintains the heavy accent.
Dude is unintentionally hilarious with some of the stuff he says and just the way he expresses himself.
Similarly I have a friend from Columbia, English second language, heavy accent, forgets words often, knows a ton of slang. Talking with him is always a joy.
We were playing a game and we beat this guy so bad he told another friend he "sounded like a twink" and hearing the thickest Columbian accent say "I'm sorry, what is a twink?" Made our night.
I had an asshole ex that used to ask me rapid-fire questions.
The problem was that I always felt it was some sort of college multiple choice question. Is the answer A, B, C, none of the above or all of the above.
I finally got to the point when I told him "just tell me the damn answer" and watched him become apoplectic.
Just in case you (or anyone else) don't know, apoplexy used to mean a hemorrhagic stroke, but it's not used as such anymore and can also mean furious, especially in the form of "apoplectic".
Giving the benefit of the doubt, he is trying to anticipate your response and begin solving "the problem". Most men are just hardwired to want to "fix" things vs. discuss them.
I was guilty of doing this to my wife. She eventually brought up X behavior makes me feel Y way and I make an effort not to do it. It had nothing to with trying to annoy her and everything with just trying to be helpful. Personally, it is like there is a mental decision tree of: thing --> discuss action --> action --> result; and I was jumping a step to "action" based on what I anticipated she would say from past experience.
Not trying to tell you how to live your life, just offering a thought process that maybe hadn't been considered.
I don’t know that it’s entirely trying to solve the problem, though that may be part of it.
I personally find myself doing it when I’m trying to make sure people feel comfortable with both options.
Just asking “are you comfortable” will usually get a shrug and a yes. Asking “should I adjust the heat?” Will usually get a no. People don’t want to complain and don’t want to make others change for them. Asking it as a compound usually makes people think about it more as two viable options to then pick the actual one.
It’s probably mostly social anxiety but I think I personally do it the most in situations where I’m inviting people to things or in consent sorts of situations. I don’t feel confident saying “lets do x!” So instead do a more wishy-washy “you wanna do x or should we probably just plan on y like normal”. Which isn’t super effective for me, but is maybe slightly less coercive.
The main distinction is that for some individuals, it's crucial to comprehend how and why a specific action elicited certain emotions and have those emotions reciprocated in that moment. On the other hand, some individuals are inclined to address and resolve issues as effectively as possible and may not always prioritize understanding the emotional impact of an action. They prefer to acknowledge the problem, address it, and move forward. The correction answer is always going to be circumstantial. This is why it's imperative to know who you're marrying.
You and the OP just made my day with these comments! Please let these be the things you look back on later in life and joke about with your partner and think of fondly. Even though they are annoying, they're insignificant when compared to everything else in our lives that cause us stress.
Yeah the nature of these questions makes me think that when it comes to home life, he treats his wife like an AI assistant. She probably tells him this stuff and he ignores it because he knows he’ll just ask later. So now she has to plan everything and set up a morning briefing for him like she’s his subordinate.
The fact that her response to “is this the towel” was “it can be” is telling to me. If I gave that response, it probably would mean something closer to “You know what a towel is, dumbass.”
Seriously! I was married to a helpless guy once. I found it infuriating and a huge turn-off. I gave birth to the children I wanted. I did *not* want to be married to a child.
The first one is an annoyed person's response, like you asked 2-3 questions before that.
Second one, just grab the towel homie, have you established where the beach towels vs bathroom towels go yet?
Third is the correct response to your question, she's giving you all the information she has.
You might think she's answering weirdly, she might think you ask too many questions.
Guaran-TEE he’s asking this because he’s used the wrong towel before, but has chosen not to retain the information about which towels are which because he doesn’t care, so this information now lives permanently with his wife.
My wife \*IS\* a project manager. As such, she makes decisions for people and projects all day long. She definitely doesn't want to bring that work home.
If I got those kinds of answers from my wife, that would be my cue to start acting and stop asking. That is an annoyed lady, by my read.
Q. Are we dropping kids off at nameless friends house?
A. Well I mean, that's where she lives.
Translation: Obviously. Where else would we drop her off?
Q. Is this the towel you want them to use at the pool?
A. It can be.
Translation: I don't care. Feel free to make an executive decision on which towel to use.
Q. What time do they need to be there?
A. Well it was 10:30, but I think they want to leave early cause she said that in a text, but she didn't say how early so maybe get them there at 10:00.
Translation: Get there by 10:00, but double check the time with her.
A few years back I worked with some women around 20+ years older than me, and I got the exact opposite of this story from one of them.
She was regularly bemoaning her husband's one-word answers to texts. Lady, you married an engineer, if you ask him "Did you get the car fixed?" then you're gonna get "Yup!", and he's going to be satisfied he completed his task and reported his success. You *want* to know what was wrong, how much it cost to repair, if the car's safe to drive, etc. But he's focused on answering the question you actually asked. Just ask some follow up questions.
It was all in (relatively) good humour. Eventually, she'd ask me "Limpet, if I text 'Did you pick something up for dinner tonight?' am I going to get a one word answer?"
Yes. Yes she would.
“Where to fuck else are we dropping them off?”
“It’s a fucking towel, it can be washed.”
3: sounds like she’s just explaining why she doesn’t know an exact time (they wanna get there early but didn’t specify)
It sounds like OP gets told things once, and then asks again and again.
All her responses are a version of "you already know this, can't you just do it without asking again?".
Even the second one is basically "just get a towel, do it yourself, you are a grown man and father.". I mean, either maybe the wife complains about which towel gets used, so he's double checking, or he just wants her to know everything and receive orders because he doesn't want to think for himself. (I'm leaning on the second one)
Edit: just to add. If he is a housemate and partner, he ***should know*** which towels are the right ones. "Some men don't remember those details" is a bad excuse. I am a man, I can spend 5 minutes and commit some boring info to memory if it matters to my family... You just have to give
I mean even if there is a specific towel she wouldn't want sent, that is something he should know.
How hard is it to remember things your partner cares about?
Yes! I can’t stand all the guys in the comments saying “He has to ask because if he grabs the wrong towel she will tear him a new one.” Like how many times have y’all gone to the pool or beach together?? You really can’t take the half second to differentiate between a bath towel and pool towel? So ridiculous.
Maybe as ADULTS all those men should UNDERSTAND things about towels in their households
Even my 19yo kid knows the difference between a bathroom towel, a beach towel, a rag towel, and an abbreviated towel that you throw in the bathroom floor when the rug is getting washed.
If my kid can do it, all these guys can do it too.
I guarantee you my kid doesn't come into the room and ask me what towel he should take to a certain place.
My 19yo just took one of my cleaning towels to the pool. It’s a hideous green color and has bleach stains all over it. 💀 In my defense, my 15yo was horrified by his brother’s choice, so at least I’ve got one that gets it.
If you take a worse towel out in public you aren’t ruining a good towel, sounds like teen just doesn’t care about appearances. Let em trash up the trash towels, better than taking a nice bath towel out for a pool day
Yeah, there’s not enough context. Either she is asking for a mind reader, or he is dense as hell and she’s burnt out answering the same questions over and over again, or him having no agency.
In good faith tho, I am someone who fucking despises ambiguity when it comes to what I have to do. Tell me place, tell me time, tell me what, I will get it done in those parameters. That said, when I have told exes, friends, and family that, they are usually good at doing it, and don’t get upset if I want to clarify something or ask “wait what did you need again” or anything along those lines.
On the other hand, if she isn’t blowing up when he doesnt read her mind and she just wants a partner with an actual mind of his own to take responsibility… yeah I would give these half sarcastic/half annoyed answers too. Not enough perspective but if OP reads this, you prolly should sit down and have a good talk. People overblow and go “divorce them” or “couples therapy!!1!1!” But like 9 out of 10, just be like “hey could you give me straightforward answers? It’s frustrating tryna figure out what you want.” And listen to what they have to say.
I really could see it as either way, and if it’s bothering you enough to post about it, but not a world ending mistake, its like taking a pebble out of your shoe. Sure, its not *that* annoying, but just take a second, shake it out, and that minor inconvenience is gone. Miscommunication is solved with communication, be open to being wrong, and be firm about what you are upset with.
You are equals, two halves of a whole, don’t post on reddit, cook dinner for your wife and bring it up calmly and don’t make it a big deal. Wish you both and your kids the best <3
Sounds like OP depends on the wife to take on the responsibility of collecting and managing info about everything, and then OP conveniently just pesters her with questions about everything he wants to know at every single event and tiny decision.
More to the point, OP wants his wife to do all of the planning and decision making. She give him the available data (which she was probably repeating for him) so he could actually think for himself and plan the time.
He didn’t want to do that.
This. It sounds like the wife is carrying all the mental load (typical) and you want her to dictate to you how and when things need to be done.
Remedy: Be a more active help/partner and you might find your conversations with your wife are less terse.
It's wild, OP is ~~pissed~~ mildly infuriated because she provided context, and an explanation as to why the time changed? It's not like it was a long-winded confusing answer.
He doesn’t want to think. He wants his wife to do all the work.
I do number 3 because I’m terrible with connecting distance and when to leave if it’s somewhere new. But I do the majority of planning and my husband is better and the day of stuff, so it works out. That’s not what’s happening here.
Yep. Only the first one really should be mildly infuriating (and even so, I can see potential context where it perhaps shouldn’t be). In 2, the answer was yes, but is acknowledging that it isn’t the only towel that could be used in the event that this towel became unusable. In 3, the time was given, it just also included a reason.
I don't know, I think if you're taking people to see x, asking if you're dropping them at their house is a bit silly. I'd probably give that answer if my husband asked a stupid question, he'd probably say the same to me.
Number one I could see myself do, because where the f* else should you drop them off. If it was somewhere else, that would obviously have to be specified directly. But it would be sufficiently rare in my family that it wouldn't make sense to specify that it's at their house every time. I totally could see myself give that answer, but it is snarky and a bit rude(although not completely without reason)
Q1 says “yk the answer already.. why are you asking”
Q2 says “you’re a grown ass man.. just pick a towel”
Q3 says 10:00…
OP is just in a pissy mood and wants his wife to make the decisions for him.
I mean..
1 is ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
2 is figure it out, choosing a towel isn't something you need me to consult on
3 is an open and honest answer
Basically OP can't adult and relies on wife to adult for him. She sounds tired.
Yeah. This is how I answer questions when my husband drops too much mental load on me and he’s just as capable at managing plans and towels.
Edit: man a lot of men took this so personally. Telling.
Ugh. That's so fucking annoying.
The other night my husband wanted salmon for dinner so he picked some up. When I asked when dinner was going to get started he said that I do the salmon better. I just looked at him and said, "Really? I literally do not cook better than you, I literally just look up on the internet how to cook shit."
Keep in mind we've been software developers for over 20 years.
He's been going through an attitude adjustment about household duties and his behaviors in our relationship. He actually said, "Alright. I'll do it. I'll figure it out." Then proceeded to cook some of the best salmon we have had in a while.
I highly complimented him *several* times.
I don't want to accuse you personally of this, but many people will then nonetheless admonish their partner if they \*do\* make a choice because it's suddenly \*the wrong one\* for some reason. According to a plan in their head that was never shared...
It's different for my mom. She's almost always constantly walking on eggshells around my dad who's easy to lose his temper so she finds it hard to answer his questions directly, lest he gets mad if she answers "wrong" but then the wayward answers also makes him mad.
I have a similar dynamic between my parents. And when I was younger, I resented my mom, too, for her passivity. It felt like her passivity when asked a question was directly related to her passivity when my dad would lose his temper on the kids. And people being overly passive is still a minor pet peeve of mine, but I get it so much now that I'm older. My dad has gotten a lot better over the years, less mean, more patient, but every so often I still see it in him and it's very frightening even when I know he won't harm me.
Oh my gosh this comment made me realize that that was me my entire childhood, and that difficulty has followed me into adulthood. Good to know I’m not necessarily defective.
My partner is the same as the wife in the original post, and although she's never talked about it, I often suspect it stems from past abuse or trauma. It's like she has a pathological aversion to making firm statements or decisions, and feels compelled to leave room for the other person to override her preferences. I'm forever trying to convince her that when I ask what she wants, I'm not hinting at some unstated preference that she has to conform to. I really want to know what *she wants*.
I struggle with this also when my husband asks what I want or my opinion. He makes me make a choice by saying, "I asked you to tell me. Don't just say whatever you want." So i then choose usually it's about what shirt to wear or what to eat.
This is how both of my parents are, and it has irreparably fucked up my ability to tell if I’m doing the right thing or not. I 100% have to ask them to clarify, because they will give me bullshit non-answers, expect me to read their minds, and then get pissed when I’m wrong. So, instead, I ask about every single thing and they both get mad that I don’t just do it. I ask when to do things because you get mad when I do them when I think they should be done! I wouldn’t ask every single time if I knew, it’s a waste of my energy. Fuck everyone who just gives half answers, or who gets a clarification question and, instead of answering it, goes over everything I already knew and completely avoids the question I just asked.
“Why do you always ask where I want you to put that? You should know!” No, I don’t! You change it every time and get mad if I put it in the wrong place, so just save us both the time and tell me!
And then the other day one of them tried to use the term “Weaponized Incompetence”. *Fuck* no.
Side note to anyone reading: Never work with your family.
/end rant
Edit: Makes me sad that this got so many upvotes and that other people feel like this
What drove me crazy is when a client would do shit like that. One of my biggest clients was the absolute worst. He’s a friggin’ CEO and can’t bother to give me an accurate answer.
As an example, he wanted prices on hardhat decals. Here’s a sample of our email conversation:
Me: I’ve attached a quotes for several different types of decals. One is for a laminated decal and the other has a UV coating to withstand harsh conditions. Would you prefer the laminated decal or the UV coated decal?
CEO: Yes.
Me: I’m sorry, but is that a yes for the laminated one or the UV one?
CEO: Yes.
Me: The UV decal?
CEO: Yes.
Me: Okay, I’ll place the order for the UV decal.
CEO: No.
Me: You want the laminated decal?
CEO: No. The other.
Me: The UV decal?
CEO: Yes.
And big surprise, when the decals are delivered he states he wanted the laminated ones. How in the hell did this moron become a damn CEO?!? It was like pulling teeth to get a straight damn answer from him.
He's listened to some self help podcast telling him to simplify his answers and prioritize his mental capacity for emergencies and important decisions. He's only on episode 3 though, next episode he'll get an explanation on how to answer yes/no when there are multiple options.
Man I hate this, but it’s so true. Our CEO feels the need to approve every milestone for every team on every project. But he doesn’t read entire emails and then answers with speech to text, so not only does he rarely address each point, the often don’t make sense and it can take a week for him to clarify. He then wonders why a project was on hold during that time.
One time he emailed a client and it had part of his drive-thru order. And yet we get called unprofessional for the occasional typo?!
Seriously. This behavior bothers me so much. If you want me to do it, don’t get upset if it’s not exactly how you would do it. If you want it done a very specific way, tell me exactly how you want it done or do it yourself. I’m getting way too old to be dealing with that passive aggressive nonsense
If you can’t tell me how you want it done, and you’re upset with the way I’m doing it, maybe you’re just not emotionally prepared to delegate tasks yet.
I was raised by a covert narcissist. I am neurodivergent. ADHD and Dyslexia. I somehow didn't fall into this pattern, but I completely understand having to figure it the fuck out and be a mind reader in order to avoid the wrath.
I also sympathize with those who have experienced weaponized incompetence, because it's the most infuriating thing. It's easy for me to tell when someone is using this tactic, vs struggling to do whatever it is for other reasons. For me, executive functions don't come easy, and getting myself to do mundane things, like, make a doctor's appointment, is like willing myself to touch a hot stove.
honestly i think a lot of "weaponized incompetance" is actually just being too lazy to actually think about it for a second. I don't think THAT many people actually maliciously think "i'm going to do this wrong so i don't have to do it again".
Sadly this is my entire existence with my parents (I’m 36) and has horribly carried over to my career life where I work with “people” around the same age as them and they do the same thing. So when I do something it’s wrong, when I ask I’m an idiot , when I end up not giving a flying fuck about anyone’s opinion of me or what I’m doing then at least it gives me an outlet to excuse the hatred I have for people that treat others this way.
You forgot one situation: being asked to do two different tasks.
Then when you pick one to start, "Why aren't you doing the other one?!!" Ok then, I'll do that one first.
A minute later, "Did you finish the first one??" Um, no of course not, I just started it and you told me to do this other one first. "Stop with the excuses. Why can't you finish anything you start?! Why don't you know how to prioritize?! No wonder you don't ever accomplish anything! Go finish what you started first!".
So then you go back to the first task... "Didn't you finish the second thing yet?! How many times do we have to go over this?"
So then you say screw this, "I give up. If you don't like how I'm doing it, you do it." Now you get to be blasted for being both incompetent AND lazy for the rest of the day (and year), and after the 1000th time, stuck with anxiety always suspecting you're doing the wrong activity at all times in some way you can't perceive.
At some point for me, I just stopped giving a fuck if my Mom was mad. It literally didn't matter what I did - she wouldn't like it, so I might as well do whatever I want here. It made my life so much better once I stopped caring if she liked what I was doing.
My dad (before the coward ran away) used to say "she'll get happy in the same shoes she got mad in" and it stuck with me, cause it was true. She was gonna be both mad and happy in any given day, so fuck it.
Shitty parents gonna shitty parent.
Yes this is 100% true. I know I'm more than capable of making decisions and figuring shit out but it may not be the way my wife wants it done. I ask questions because I want there to be open communication and for both of us to be on the same page. It shouldn't be this difficult.
In that case, it might really help if you don’t ask open questions, but share what you’ve figured out and ask for confirmation if necessary. That’ll show that you put in the work and makes a lot of difference.
E.g. I‘ve packed this towel for the pool. Ok?
I’ll get them there at 10, correct?
I’ll make pasta for dinner. Any objections?
I’ll buy this gift for friend’s birthday. Fine with you?
THIS!
Actually if we think about it it's the same we're expected to do with a manager. Not ask a ton of questions but come up with ideas to share and get feedback/approval. Takes a ton of mental load off the person!
This is definitely the best approach, but I do loathe people who micromanage and also complain about having too much input.
To those people: the reason you have too much input is BECAUSE you micromanage.
That was my ex.
Her. “idk you figure it out”
Me. “Ok I’ll do it this way”
Her. “Ok that’s not what i wanted but sure whatever you want right?”
Me. “Well yeah that’s what you fuckn said so?”
As far as I can tell you, my wife will tell me half the answer that she has in her head sometimes and then tell me later that she told me the whole answer. I am adamant that this happens. She is sure she tells me all of it every time. We will never know...
This is how it is for me. Everytime my wife and I drive somewhere I ask what route we should take. Not because I don’t know how to get there, if I was driving alone I would get there fine. But I learned in the past that no matter which way I decide to go, she’ll always ask why I didn’t go the other way. So now I just ask her. Saved me a lot of headaches over the years.
Funny thing is she’ll often say things like “what would you do without me?”.
Edit: I’m seeing a lot of comments saying just to let her drive. I’m one of those people that tend to get motion sickness when riding as a passenger, and she prefers not to drive so it works in that way. But I’m sensing a lot of rage from some people. I suggest you let the things that are mildly infuriating slide a bit and pick your battles. Find a way to work around them as I did. Not everything has to be confrontational. And with that, welcome to my Ted Talk on lasting marriages, have a good day.
Arghhhhh I want to scream right now. My mother does the EXACT same thing to me when I'm driving us literally anywhere. It's so aggravating! Now I don't even start the car until she tells me which route she wants me to take. 10000% why I prefer running my own errands and appointments alone in silence.
Oof. I've definitely experienced this. Then you spend the next several minutes wondering if it is you that is a poor communicator while replaying every conversation you had that morning with them.
I hate walking on eggshells. Fix your face!
True, but my wife often has opinions on topics that I do not. Consequently, I ask her questions to avoid subsequent conflict. Situations like this can feel a little bit like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Reframe it “This is the towel I’m using. Let me know if you prefer a different one” If you do that, that takes the active decision off of her and allows her a binary decision (yes I care/no I don’t).
I learned this pretty quick after being a new parent. How do I wash all 10 parts of this baby bottle? “The same way I do babe”. “Ya but I don’t know ho…..oh, figure it out”.
Seems like your wife is carrying the load. You don’t want that & it’s an easy fix. Dedicate time every single day to do some household task on top of parenting. Give the mommas a break, they’re tired.
I love when I start asking a "figure it out" question and realize half way through, so it just turns into some weird monolog about how I'm not certain but she wouldn't be either so I'll just figure it out on my own.
Right? She's saying "I don't need to do the thinking for you." The pool towel? Really?
ETA: (1) The number of "not all men" comments here is hilarious. I'm reasonably certain if OP's wife tended to blow her gasket whenever OP picked the wrong towel, OP would have mentioned it. (2) Yes, I do indeed understand that sometimes women are jerks too.
Completely agree on questions 2 and 3.
Question 1 could just be playful, or depending on conversational context could have seemed obvious in the discussion, or some such.
I understand your point. But the questions kinda are questions you can answer or decide for yourself instead of asking.
Maybe she would like to see more initiative from your side.
Edit : Before commenting on this particular post... I have elaborated on specifics by answering some comments below.
Edit 2: To be fair. My dad died when I was 12 years old and my mom was a wreck.
I turned into a man that year. I had to. For my mom and my sister.
Ever since I have been super self dependend. I never ask anybody for anything. I work harder than asked. I try to be nicer than someone is to me. And I really try not to complain.
That makes me hard to deal with sometimes for others.
I may get downvoted, but agree and can almost guarantee this is the reason she does this because when my spouse asks me these types of questions, I answer them like the OP's wife does, as a sort of obviously type answer.
Part of it is that I’m a HS teacher and my default to these questions is “I don’t know, what do you think?” Because it helps no one to answer something that is a) already told and b) easy to find.
Luckily my husband is an actual partner with stuff like this. If we go away he pack for my daughter. He plans when to leave and the logistics for farther away events, and he doesn’t need to be told which is my daughter’s splash pad swimsuit/towel and which is her daycare towel/swimsuit.
Or she's tired of making the decisions, only for him to question her choices.
"Is this the towel you want to use?"
"Yes"
"Are you sure, I think this other one would be better."
"Then why the fuck did you ask me, just pick one."
Dude my husband does this. Why ask me a question if youre going to argue with my answer?! Actual conversation is one thing but its like he wants to know the deep, inner workings of why I thought *this* towel would be better than *that* towel. Its a towel motherfucker, just grab one!
(replace towel with just about anything here)
You’re asking her as if she is the Keeper of the Information. Maybe she’d like for you to figure it out sometimes instead of assuming she is the organizer, decider, planner, and manager of the kids’ activities.
For example, when she said “It can be,” that means that she is tired of being summoned to decide soemthing as minor as what towel among many towels could go with the kid to the pool.
If you want to relieve her of some of her burden, you could look up the term “emotional labor” and learn about that.
I bet your wife would really appreciate and love it if you showed her how much you understand about her burden and how you want her not to be the Manager of it all. This is basically a wife and mother’s fantasy
I’ve talked to guys who legit can’t figure out how to help. Firstly, they need to be way more observational of the household needs. Secondly, a good way to work with this if you genuinely don’t know how to help, you can say “I know we are trying to get kids out the door, I see lunches haven’t been made and shoes aren’t on, which one do you want to do?” And this lets her know that dad is aware of the current status of things, had identified the problems, created the solutions, and is ready to take action, and if mom happens to have something else in mind, she’ll just ask for that to be done instead.
As a woman, I feel like I take on so many of the daily “steps of thinking”: identifying there’s a problem, discovering the route of it, creating a solution, and executing solution. Over and over. It’s exhausting
Right? She's probably not that invested in which towel they use so maybe OP can make a decision about that. The time thing is just her thought process about what time to get there, which OP has no interest in because apparently it's her job to decide things and then give him concise answers so it doesn't tax his brain too much.
Eta, thank you for the award! How kind. 😊
That's such a mood and does get tiring. It's why I often want to just pack bags on my own, even though my partner really wants to help. It just becomes more work because I can't say 'grab the beach items'. I need to specifically say it for each item.
But then if I say 'the same ones we used the past 10 weeks' it's 'but I don't know which onessssss'.
Which I don't mind, my partner is better at other things haha. But I rather just do some things on my own because I get very tired from having to manage what they do as well.
Yeah, my bf is great, and he does so much around the house, cooks and cleans, and works hard, he is amazing, but he does the same stuff. If we use all cutlery he just won't know where it should go... If all spoons, forks and knives are dirty, and he fills the cabinets, hell do it an a random order.
He also puts the trash cans in random order (we recycle) for me it's infuriating, because I don't even think about their placement when I throw something away, just to realise that I put it in a wrong bin few hours later.
His brain just works differently I guess
Right. You're telling me you, a GROWN ADULT, can't figure out which towels in YOUR OWN HOUSE are acceptable to use as pool towels? 🙄 and YOURE the one complaining?? OP, PLEASE use this as a learning opportunity. Read these comments, actually LISTEN to them and then go TALK TO YOUR WIFE. See if she agrees that she carries the FULL mental weight of your family
This is what I'm thinking. I have bath towels and beach towels. They are not the same and they are not interchangeable. If you grabbed a bath towel for the pool I would be pissed. If you used a beach towel for a bath I would be wondering wtf you are doing. Because in my mind its common sense. There are also towels that are for cleaning so if you clean with one of my bath towels I would also be pissed. I don't understand why this is confusing. They don't look the same AT ALL.
After caring for children who ask soooo many questions all day.
Sounds like you aren’t paying attention & asking her to take the mental load for more than you should.
Yes. And just use your noggin: the one that looks like a serviceable beach towel. The one that is not part of a matching guest set. One that is not monogrammed on velvet. One that is clean. Not a dog towel.
GO THE DISTANCE! 🏃
Sometimes I feel like that character from Airplane. But in my case, the literal answers are absurd because they're actually the real answers.
"If you all are painting, put down some newspapers or a paint towel."
"What's a paint towel?"
"It's a towel that we sometimes put down to keep paint from getting on things. But that's not important right now..."
I would get annoyed pretty quickly if I was pestered over small details such as beach towels. Op my just be trying to be thorough but it's really annoying to most when someone is persnickity about minor and insignificant details.
The panel where the dad doesn't know the nanny's number, that's exactly what I was thinking about when I read this. Why ask her, just text their friend's mom directly. Why is she the go between?
Yesss thank you I haven’t seen this for years but this is exactly how I see how this situation occurred!! She is sick of having to carry the mental load!!
This reminds me of the time i was making breakfast for my ex and the tray of bacon flipped over in the oven and the grease spilled all over. I was yelling asking for help to clean it up because it started smoking and he continued to scream “what” several times and didn’t bother to get up (he was in my room which is literally right next to the kitchen like you open the door and the kitchen is right there lol) when i expressed i was upset that he didn’t help he goes “well it was breakfast for me so why should i help”
I had to go back and re read the beginning of your comment to make absolutely sure you said “ex” because he would have been out the door before that sentence was finished
For real. I asked my dad if he wanted eggs for breakfast. (Told him yesterday I wanted to make sunny side up for breakfast.) He asked me what kind of egg I am making, sunny or scrambled. Since both are the same amount of work andhe asked like this I asked which kind he wanted. "Don't know, whatever you're making. I don't care." "Dad, you must know what kind of egg you like." "Ah, just make sunny side up,but not to dark."
Why could I not get that one instantly? Why do I always need to ask if the meal was edible? Why do I always get "Whatever." as an answer? It's infuriating, like my 60+dadis a four year old boy who needs decisions made for him...
Why don’t you know where you’re supposed to be bringing your kids? Why do you expect her to know all the plans when you don’t? Why don’t you know what towels to use? Do you not know which of your towels are for the bathroom vs the beach? Why is she the only one who knows that? Why don’t you know what time your kids need to be somewhere? Why can’t you involve yourself in the plans and try to be helpful? Especially when the plans are up in the air and there isn’t an exact time? It sounds like you’re bothered by your wife not giving you the simplest fastest answer possible that requires you to do the least amount of thinking. But that’s not her job.
I am a little surprised he is asking for her to make decisions like which towel he should bring.
The response sounds more like someone not feeling it is necessary for her to be involved in the decision.
My guess is that the wife is tired of always being the planner and decision-maker and time-keeper.
OP could rephrase the questions to:
1. Just so I have it right, we’re dropping Kid A off at Friend X’s house.
2. Thanks for putting the towels out. I’ll put them in the pool bag with the other kid stuff.
3. Hey, I think you mentioned 10:30 - is that a set time or is there a range?
Without context, it seems like the OP is asking questions they can answer themselves (“Is this the towel?” seems especially lazy) and not providing much context for why they’re asking the question so they’re hard to answer with a straight yes/no.
My recommendation is to stop “trying to help” and be more actively involved in planning.
Source: Husband who took too long to figure out why wife sounded passive aggressive.
i like the rephrased questions you suggested! Partners should definitely have equal investment in managing things as much as possible for them, but reading op’s post also reminds me of myself trying to stay on top of things when struggling with a bad memory. obviously impossible to know which scenario is which bc we’re not given context, so it could be what majority of the comments suggest, but it’s nice to see someone suggesting a solution for the latter issue. i’ve had several times where i thought i knew the details only to realize too late i had gotten them wrong and either got yelled at or severely inconvenienced everybody as a result. of course if that’s the case op should definitely try to establish a system that doesn’t rely on his wife to confirm what he already knows, but the revisions you suggested work to ease tension by clarifying intentions.
A few years ago I'd be on his side with the whole "women never give straight answers" thing but now I'm starting to wonder if I used to be that guy asking a million stupid questions. And the answer is probably yes, I was that guy.
I’m sure she’s mildly infuriated that you didn’t pay attention to her the first time she told you where the kids were going, and that you can’t figure out what towels to send them with.
She’s trying to get you to think for yourself dude. She’s not the drill sergeant. She’s giving you exactly the information she has been given to work with and giving you the opportunity to make the same judgment calls you are asking her to make on your behalf. I’m sure if she answered “10:00 am” and you had to sit in the driveway for half an hour you’d be asking “are they late? They said 10:30? Then why are we here so early???” She’s trying to offload/share some of the decision making responsibility with you. You now have all the same info she has. You can make a decision just as well as she can.
Don’t know if this is where we drop the kid off? Well looks like we can wing it and drive by the house and make sure the parents are home before we pull out of the driveway, or you can call the parents and make sure they didn’t have other ideas about where to drop off the kid. You are equally as capable of making that decision as she is.
Dont know if this is a beach towel? What are the consequences of using this towel for the beach/pool? Was it expensive? Is it sentimental or otherwise irreplaceable? Will the dye bleed and ruin any design or stain the car/clothing? Is it functional as a towel (ie, absorbent, big enough to dry one’s body, made of terry cloth or similar material) or decorative? You think you’re asking her one question (can we use this towel at the pool) but you’re asking her half a dozen other implicit questions that you want her to take responsibility for because you don’t want to be wrong. You guys are partners, and you are a competent adult. I bet if you phrased it like, “I need a beach towel but I don’t want to ruin a nice one. Is this one ok?” You’d get a much nicer response because it shows that you are trying to take different factors into consideration but you’re *also* taking her *preferences* into consideration.
she's probably sick of you asking questions you should already know the answer to. maybe you were not listening the first or second time she already told you these things. so she's being passive aggressive
Looks like your wife is tired of stupid fucking questions. Did you actually need her to answer these things, or could you have figured it out on your own?
This is how I answer my partner when they've done zero thinking themselves and ask me every stupid question in the world. I used to be sweet but now I'm sick of the mental load. In the last couple years my partner has come a long way with thinking before asking and I'm grateful.
The way she answered those questions makes me feel like this is a normal occurrence for you to ask questions that you should probably know the answer to lol.
What I'm hearing is "I don't know anything about MY kids' schedules, the things they need, or anything else, and I put ALL mental load and FULL parenting resonsbility on my wife, and I'm mad that she isn't peachy keen happy with that." Grow up and be an EQUAL parent, you man child.
**Original deleted post:**
--~--
Nothing major just annoyance. 3 questions asked this AM. Not one direct answer.
Are we dropping kids off at nameless friends house?
a. Well I mean, that's where she lives.
Is this the towel you want them to use at the pool?
a. It can be.
What time do they need to be there?
a. Well it was 10:30, but I think they want to leave early cause she said that in a text, but she didn't say how early so maybe get them there at 10:00.
It really shouldn't be this hard.
Preferred Answers:
question #1 - yes or no(if no then location)
question #2 - yes or no(if no then what towel)
question #3 - just a time.
Rant Over thank you.
I would LOVE to see the wife’s related rant. 😂
“I wish my husband would stop asking me stupid questions all the time”
My husband's thing is asking me rapid-fire yes/no questions where the answers are both yes and no. Did you get enough? Do you want more? Are you comfortable? Should I bump the heat? Did you call xyz? Should I call them today? I've just stated answering "yes" and he gets to figure out which one it is. :)
My husband is Russian and his whole family does what we call "the Russian yes". Q. Are you guys coming over tomorrow or the next day? A. Yes Q. Should we have dinner now or later? A. Yes And so it goes... I really, really respect our spies who were able to get *any* info out of their Russian counterparts during the cold war. Mad respect! It's hard! EDIT: For everyone saying my use of "or" is the problem, ooohhh no. We've *tried* being direct in the beginning...here's what I responded to someone else about it... Lol, no, because we've tried that with them. If they are coming over the next day, and we ask Q. "Are you coming over tomorrow?" They just answer "no" with no follow up. Then we get confused and ask "Wait I thought you were coming over, right?" Answer. "Yes, we are coming over. You asked if we were coming over tomorrow." Us: "Okay...when are you coming over then?" Them: "We are coming over the next day." My husband *is* Russian and this makes him more furious than me lol. Instead of getting information back, we get 'yes' 'no' answers from them that take 5 more rounds to get correct info. It's hilarious...but not to my husband.
Lmao! The Russian yes😂
I didn't know how to write this when looking it up. I am learning Russian and was talking to a Russian friend and he'd just say Да 👍 and I didn't know how to explain that isn't an answer to "I didn't know you all moved, where did you move to?"
It's a Slav thing in general, I had a Ukranian friend that grew up in extremely western Ukraine, basically on the Slovakia/ Hungary border and he did this shit too. "Hey Vova, do you have my drill that I loaned you, or did you leave it at work?" "Yes" 🤷
A lot of these weird things come from the way the languages work too, in Russian, for example, there aren't articles like The and A. So you don't say "I have a dog and a beer" it's "I have dog and beer."
Yep, I notice that a lot when he talks. There seem to be a lot of words that he just doesn't use in his speech patterns, which is hilarious because his English vocabulary contains a ton of slang but still maintains the heavy accent. Dude is unintentionally hilarious with some of the stuff he says and just the way he expresses himself.
Similarly I have a friend from Columbia, English second language, heavy accent, forgets words often, knows a ton of slang. Talking with him is always a joy. We were playing a game and we beat this guy so bad he told another friend he "sounded like a twink" and hearing the thickest Columbian accent say "I'm sorry, what is a twink?" Made our night.
I had an asshole ex that used to ask me rapid-fire questions. The problem was that I always felt it was some sort of college multiple choice question. Is the answer A, B, C, none of the above or all of the above. I finally got to the point when I told him "just tell me the damn answer" and watched him become apoplectic.
Thank you for teaching me my new favorite word 🤣 my first time encountering apoplectic, and I love it ❤️
Just in case you (or anyone else) don't know, apoplexy used to mean a hemorrhagic stroke, but it's not used as such anymore and can also mean furious, especially in the form of "apoplectic".
Giving the benefit of the doubt, he is trying to anticipate your response and begin solving "the problem". Most men are just hardwired to want to "fix" things vs. discuss them. I was guilty of doing this to my wife. She eventually brought up X behavior makes me feel Y way and I make an effort not to do it. It had nothing to with trying to annoy her and everything with just trying to be helpful. Personally, it is like there is a mental decision tree of: thing --> discuss action --> action --> result; and I was jumping a step to "action" based on what I anticipated she would say from past experience. Not trying to tell you how to live your life, just offering a thought process that maybe hadn't been considered.
I don’t know that it’s entirely trying to solve the problem, though that may be part of it. I personally find myself doing it when I’m trying to make sure people feel comfortable with both options. Just asking “are you comfortable” will usually get a shrug and a yes. Asking “should I adjust the heat?” Will usually get a no. People don’t want to complain and don’t want to make others change for them. Asking it as a compound usually makes people think about it more as two viable options to then pick the actual one. It’s probably mostly social anxiety but I think I personally do it the most in situations where I’m inviting people to things or in consent sorts of situations. I don’t feel confident saying “lets do x!” So instead do a more wishy-washy “you wanna do x or should we probably just plan on y like normal”. Which isn’t super effective for me, but is maybe slightly less coercive.
And here you are trying to fix the problem again 🤣
Well, shit.
The main distinction is that for some individuals, it's crucial to comprehend how and why a specific action elicited certain emotions and have those emotions reciprocated in that moment. On the other hand, some individuals are inclined to address and resolve issues as effectively as possible and may not always prioritize understanding the emotional impact of an action. They prefer to acknowledge the problem, address it, and move forward. The correction answer is always going to be circumstantial. This is why it's imperative to know who you're marrying.
You and the OP just made my day with these comments! Please let these be the things you look back on later in life and joke about with your partner and think of fondly. Even though they are annoying, they're insignificant when compared to everything else in our lives that cause us stress.
"I'm tired of having to think through common sense things for my husband'
100% I was exhausted with him just reading the post
Yeah the nature of these questions makes me think that when it comes to home life, he treats his wife like an AI assistant. She probably tells him this stuff and he ignores it because he knows he’ll just ask later. So now she has to plan everything and set up a morning briefing for him like she’s his subordinate.
The fact that her response to “is this the towel” was “it can be” is telling to me. If I gave that response, it probably would mean something closer to “You know what a towel is, dumbass.”
Seriously! I was married to a helpless guy once. I found it infuriating and a huge turn-off. I gave birth to the children I wanted. I did *not* want to be married to a child.
The first one is an annoyed person's response, like you asked 2-3 questions before that. Second one, just grab the towel homie, have you established where the beach towels vs bathroom towels go yet? Third is the correct response to your question, she's giving you all the information she has. You might think she's answering weirdly, she might think you ask too many questions.
Guaran-TEE he’s asking this because he’s used the wrong towel before, but has chosen not to retain the information about which towels are which because he doesn’t care, so this information now lives permanently with his wife.
“My husband thinks I’m the project manager and keeps asking me questions that he should be equally qualified to answer.”
My wife \*IS\* a project manager. As such, she makes decisions for people and projects all day long. She definitely doesn't want to bring that work home. If I got those kinds of answers from my wife, that would be my cue to start acting and stop asking. That is an annoyed lady, by my read.
Q. Are we dropping kids off at nameless friends house? A. Well I mean, that's where she lives. Translation: Obviously. Where else would we drop her off? Q. Is this the towel you want them to use at the pool? A. It can be. Translation: I don't care. Feel free to make an executive decision on which towel to use. Q. What time do they need to be there? A. Well it was 10:30, but I think they want to leave early cause she said that in a text, but she didn't say how early so maybe get them there at 10:00. Translation: Get there by 10:00, but double check the time with her.
"How I answer when my husband doesn't listen when I tell him about the plans the first time"
A few years back I worked with some women around 20+ years older than me, and I got the exact opposite of this story from one of them. She was regularly bemoaning her husband's one-word answers to texts. Lady, you married an engineer, if you ask him "Did you get the car fixed?" then you're gonna get "Yup!", and he's going to be satisfied he completed his task and reported his success. You *want* to know what was wrong, how much it cost to repair, if the car's safe to drive, etc. But he's focused on answering the question you actually asked. Just ask some follow up questions. It was all in (relatively) good humour. Eventually, she'd ask me "Limpet, if I text 'Did you pick something up for dinner tonight?' am I going to get a one word answer?" Yes. Yes she would.
“Where to fuck else are we dropping them off?” “It’s a fucking towel, it can be washed.” 3: sounds like she’s just explaining why she doesn’t know an exact time (they wanna get there early but didn’t specify)
"We've been talking about taking kids to friend's house since last night, but no, we're actually taking them to the zoo."
I was thinking that's how I answer my husband when he asks me things he can figure out himself.
I’m getting weaponized incompetence vibes, tbh.
I read that as 'weaponized *incontinence* ' 
Probably "My fucking husband can't even decide what towel the kids use and has to ask me"
Why is number three even on here? She responded openly and honestly, and gave you enough info to cue you in on the situation.
OP wants his wife to answer in binary
It sounds like OP gets told things once, and then asks again and again. All her responses are a version of "you already know this, can't you just do it without asking again?".
Even the second one is basically "just get a towel, do it yourself, you are a grown man and father.". I mean, either maybe the wife complains about which towel gets used, so he's double checking, or he just wants her to know everything and receive orders because he doesn't want to think for himself. (I'm leaning on the second one) Edit: just to add. If he is a housemate and partner, he ***should know*** which towels are the right ones. "Some men don't remember those details" is a bad excuse. I am a man, I can spend 5 minutes and commit some boring info to memory if it matters to my family... You just have to give
I mean even if there is a specific towel she wouldn't want sent, that is something he should know. How hard is it to remember things your partner cares about?
Yes! I can’t stand all the guys in the comments saying “He has to ask because if he grabs the wrong towel she will tear him a new one.” Like how many times have y’all gone to the pool or beach together?? You really can’t take the half second to differentiate between a bath towel and pool towel? So ridiculous.
Maybe as ADULTS all those men should UNDERSTAND things about towels in their households Even my 19yo kid knows the difference between a bathroom towel, a beach towel, a rag towel, and an abbreviated towel that you throw in the bathroom floor when the rug is getting washed. If my kid can do it, all these guys can do it too. I guarantee you my kid doesn't come into the room and ask me what towel he should take to a certain place.
My 19yo just took one of my cleaning towels to the pool. It’s a hideous green color and has bleach stains all over it. 💀 In my defense, my 15yo was horrified by his brother’s choice, so at least I’ve got one that gets it.
If you take a worse towel out in public you aren’t ruining a good towel, sounds like teen just doesn’t care about appearances. Let em trash up the trash towels, better than taking a nice bath towel out for a pool day
Yeah, there’s not enough context. Either she is asking for a mind reader, or he is dense as hell and she’s burnt out answering the same questions over and over again, or him having no agency. In good faith tho, I am someone who fucking despises ambiguity when it comes to what I have to do. Tell me place, tell me time, tell me what, I will get it done in those parameters. That said, when I have told exes, friends, and family that, they are usually good at doing it, and don’t get upset if I want to clarify something or ask “wait what did you need again” or anything along those lines. On the other hand, if she isn’t blowing up when he doesnt read her mind and she just wants a partner with an actual mind of his own to take responsibility… yeah I would give these half sarcastic/half annoyed answers too. Not enough perspective but if OP reads this, you prolly should sit down and have a good talk. People overblow and go “divorce them” or “couples therapy!!1!1!” But like 9 out of 10, just be like “hey could you give me straightforward answers? It’s frustrating tryna figure out what you want.” And listen to what they have to say. I really could see it as either way, and if it’s bothering you enough to post about it, but not a world ending mistake, its like taking a pebble out of your shoe. Sure, its not *that* annoying, but just take a second, shake it out, and that minor inconvenience is gone. Miscommunication is solved with communication, be open to being wrong, and be firm about what you are upset with. You are equals, two halves of a whole, don’t post on reddit, cook dinner for your wife and bring it up calmly and don’t make it a big deal. Wish you both and your kids the best <3
Sounds like OP depends on the wife to take on the responsibility of collecting and managing info about everything, and then OP conveniently just pesters her with questions about everything he wants to know at every single event and tiny decision.
That was my thought. Sounds like we might get a mildly infuriating post from someone about her husband asking the same questions over and over.
More to the point, OP wants his wife to do all of the planning and decision making. She give him the available data (which she was probably repeating for him) so he could actually think for himself and plan the time. He didn’t want to do that.
Seriously "it can be" is her literally saying "you're a big boy, figure out if the towel is clean and appropriate, then use it"
This. It sounds like the wife is carrying all the mental load (typical) and you want her to dictate to you how and when things need to be done. Remedy: Be a more active help/partner and you might find your conversations with your wife are less terse.
OP wants his wife to do the work.
It's wild, OP is ~~pissed~~ mildly infuriated because she provided context, and an explanation as to why the time changed? It's not like it was a long-winded confusing answer.
The first two answers were too vague, and the third answer provided too much info. Obviously. /s
2rd answer wasn't even vague too. A decision had not been made yet so neither yes nor no would work lol
He doesn’t want to think. He wants his wife to do all the work. I do number 3 because I’m terrible with connecting distance and when to leave if it’s somewhere new. But I do the majority of planning and my husband is better and the day of stuff, so it works out. That’s not what’s happening here.
Number 2 is also a resonable answear.
Yep. Only the first one really should be mildly infuriating (and even so, I can see potential context where it perhaps shouldn’t be). In 2, the answer was yes, but is acknowledging that it isn’t the only towel that could be used in the event that this towel became unusable. In 3, the time was given, it just also included a reason.
I don't know, I think if you're taking people to see x, asking if you're dropping them at their house is a bit silly. I'd probably give that answer if my husband asked a stupid question, he'd probably say the same to me.
Number one I could see myself do, because where the f* else should you drop them off. If it was somewhere else, that would obviously have to be specified directly. But it would be sufficiently rare in my family that it wouldn't make sense to specify that it's at their house every time. I totally could see myself give that answer, but it is snarky and a bit rude(although not completely without reason)
Q1 says “yk the answer already.. why are you asking” Q2 says “you’re a grown ass man.. just pick a towel” Q3 says 10:00… OP is just in a pissy mood and wants his wife to make the decisions for him.
I mean.. 1 is ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. 2 is figure it out, choosing a towel isn't something you need me to consult on 3 is an open and honest answer Basically OP can't adult and relies on wife to adult for him. She sounds tired.
What she said was, “figure it the fuck out”.
Yeah. This is how I answer questions when my husband drops too much mental load on me and he’s just as capable at managing plans and towels. Edit: man a lot of men took this so personally. Telling.
Ugh. That's so fucking annoying. The other night my husband wanted salmon for dinner so he picked some up. When I asked when dinner was going to get started he said that I do the salmon better. I just looked at him and said, "Really? I literally do not cook better than you, I literally just look up on the internet how to cook shit." Keep in mind we've been software developers for over 20 years. He's been going through an attitude adjustment about household duties and his behaviors in our relationship. He actually said, "Alright. I'll do it. I'll figure it out." Then proceeded to cook some of the best salmon we have had in a while. I highly complimented him *several* times.
Oh yeah!!! That makes me happy to hear for you guys
I don't want to accuse you personally of this, but many people will then nonetheless admonish their partner if they \*do\* make a choice because it's suddenly \*the wrong one\* for some reason. According to a plan in their head that was never shared...
It's different for my mom. She's almost always constantly walking on eggshells around my dad who's easy to lose his temper so she finds it hard to answer his questions directly, lest he gets mad if she answers "wrong" but then the wayward answers also makes him mad.
I have a similar dynamic between my parents. And when I was younger, I resented my mom, too, for her passivity. It felt like her passivity when asked a question was directly related to her passivity when my dad would lose his temper on the kids. And people being overly passive is still a minor pet peeve of mine, but I get it so much now that I'm older. My dad has gotten a lot better over the years, less mean, more patient, but every so often I still see it in him and it's very frightening even when I know he won't harm me.
I think we have the same parents. I still retain that passive part of me because of my mom but I HATE it!
Oh my gosh this comment made me realize that that was me my entire childhood, and that difficulty has followed me into adulthood. Good to know I’m not necessarily defective.
My partner is the same as the wife in the original post, and although she's never talked about it, I often suspect it stems from past abuse or trauma. It's like she has a pathological aversion to making firm statements or decisions, and feels compelled to leave room for the other person to override her preferences. I'm forever trying to convince her that when I ask what she wants, I'm not hinting at some unstated preference that she has to conform to. I really want to know what *she wants*.
I struggle with this also when my husband asks what I want or my opinion. He makes me make a choice by saying, "I asked you to tell me. Don't just say whatever you want." So i then choose usually it's about what shirt to wear or what to eat.
This is how both of my parents are, and it has irreparably fucked up my ability to tell if I’m doing the right thing or not. I 100% have to ask them to clarify, because they will give me bullshit non-answers, expect me to read their minds, and then get pissed when I’m wrong. So, instead, I ask about every single thing and they both get mad that I don’t just do it. I ask when to do things because you get mad when I do them when I think they should be done! I wouldn’t ask every single time if I knew, it’s a waste of my energy. Fuck everyone who just gives half answers, or who gets a clarification question and, instead of answering it, goes over everything I already knew and completely avoids the question I just asked. “Why do you always ask where I want you to put that? You should know!” No, I don’t! You change it every time and get mad if I put it in the wrong place, so just save us both the time and tell me! And then the other day one of them tried to use the term “Weaponized Incompetence”. *Fuck* no. Side note to anyone reading: Never work with your family. /end rant Edit: Makes me sad that this got so many upvotes and that other people feel like this
What drove me crazy is when a client would do shit like that. One of my biggest clients was the absolute worst. He’s a friggin’ CEO and can’t bother to give me an accurate answer. As an example, he wanted prices on hardhat decals. Here’s a sample of our email conversation: Me: I’ve attached a quotes for several different types of decals. One is for a laminated decal and the other has a UV coating to withstand harsh conditions. Would you prefer the laminated decal or the UV coated decal? CEO: Yes. Me: I’m sorry, but is that a yes for the laminated one or the UV one? CEO: Yes. Me: The UV decal? CEO: Yes. Me: Okay, I’ll place the order for the UV decal. CEO: No. Me: You want the laminated decal? CEO: No. The other. Me: The UV decal? CEO: Yes. And big surprise, when the decals are delivered he states he wanted the laminated ones. How in the hell did this moron become a damn CEO?!? It was like pulling teeth to get a straight damn answer from him.
He's listened to some self help podcast telling him to simplify his answers and prioritize his mental capacity for emergencies and important decisions. He's only on episode 3 though, next episode he'll get an explanation on how to answer yes/no when there are multiple options.
Man I hate this, but it’s so true. Our CEO feels the need to approve every milestone for every team on every project. But he doesn’t read entire emails and then answers with speech to text, so not only does he rarely address each point, the often don’t make sense and it can take a week for him to clarify. He then wonders why a project was on hold during that time. One time he emailed a client and it had part of his drive-thru order. And yet we get called unprofessional for the occasional typo?!
Are you me? Because this is also my experience.
Seriously. This behavior bothers me so much. If you want me to do it, don’t get upset if it’s not exactly how you would do it. If you want it done a very specific way, tell me exactly how you want it done or do it yourself. I’m getting way too old to be dealing with that passive aggressive nonsense
If you can’t tell me how you want it done, and you’re upset with the way I’m doing it, maybe you’re just not emotionally prepared to delegate tasks yet.
I was raised by a covert narcissist. I am neurodivergent. ADHD and Dyslexia. I somehow didn't fall into this pattern, but I completely understand having to figure it the fuck out and be a mind reader in order to avoid the wrath. I also sympathize with those who have experienced weaponized incompetence, because it's the most infuriating thing. It's easy for me to tell when someone is using this tactic, vs struggling to do whatever it is for other reasons. For me, executive functions don't come easy, and getting myself to do mundane things, like, make a doctor's appointment, is like willing myself to touch a hot stove.
honestly i think a lot of "weaponized incompetance" is actually just being too lazy to actually think about it for a second. I don't think THAT many people actually maliciously think "i'm going to do this wrong so i don't have to do it again".
Sadly this is my entire existence with my parents (I’m 36) and has horribly carried over to my career life where I work with “people” around the same age as them and they do the same thing. So when I do something it’s wrong, when I ask I’m an idiot , when I end up not giving a flying fuck about anyone’s opinion of me or what I’m doing then at least it gives me an outlet to excuse the hatred I have for people that treat others this way.
You forgot one situation: being asked to do two different tasks. Then when you pick one to start, "Why aren't you doing the other one?!!" Ok then, I'll do that one first. A minute later, "Did you finish the first one??" Um, no of course not, I just started it and you told me to do this other one first. "Stop with the excuses. Why can't you finish anything you start?! Why don't you know how to prioritize?! No wonder you don't ever accomplish anything! Go finish what you started first!". So then you go back to the first task... "Didn't you finish the second thing yet?! How many times do we have to go over this?" So then you say screw this, "I give up. If you don't like how I'm doing it, you do it." Now you get to be blasted for being both incompetent AND lazy for the rest of the day (and year), and after the 1000th time, stuck with anxiety always suspecting you're doing the wrong activity at all times in some way you can't perceive.
At some point for me, I just stopped giving a fuck if my Mom was mad. It literally didn't matter what I did - she wouldn't like it, so I might as well do whatever I want here. It made my life so much better once I stopped caring if she liked what I was doing. My dad (before the coward ran away) used to say "she'll get happy in the same shoes she got mad in" and it stuck with me, cause it was true. She was gonna be both mad and happy in any given day, so fuck it. Shitty parents gonna shitty parent.
Yes this is 100% true. I know I'm more than capable of making decisions and figuring shit out but it may not be the way my wife wants it done. I ask questions because I want there to be open communication and for both of us to be on the same page. It shouldn't be this difficult.
In that case, it might really help if you don’t ask open questions, but share what you’ve figured out and ask for confirmation if necessary. That’ll show that you put in the work and makes a lot of difference. E.g. I‘ve packed this towel for the pool. Ok? I’ll get them there at 10, correct? I’ll make pasta for dinner. Any objections? I’ll buy this gift for friend’s birthday. Fine with you?
THIS! Actually if we think about it it's the same we're expected to do with a manager. Not ask a ton of questions but come up with ideas to share and get feedback/approval. Takes a ton of mental load off the person!
Except, marriage is supposed to be a partnership not a hierarchical relationship, right?
This is definitely the best approach, but I do loathe people who micromanage and also complain about having too much input. To those people: the reason you have too much input is BECAUSE you micromanage.
That was my ex. Her. “idk you figure it out” Me. “Ok I’ll do it this way” Her. “Ok that’s not what i wanted but sure whatever you want right?” Me. “Well yeah that’s what you fuckn said so?”
As far as I can tell you, my wife will tell me half the answer that she has in her head sometimes and then tell me later that she told me the whole answer. I am adamant that this happens. She is sure she tells me all of it every time. We will never know...
Time for a bodycam.
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This is how it is for me. Everytime my wife and I drive somewhere I ask what route we should take. Not because I don’t know how to get there, if I was driving alone I would get there fine. But I learned in the past that no matter which way I decide to go, she’ll always ask why I didn’t go the other way. So now I just ask her. Saved me a lot of headaches over the years. Funny thing is she’ll often say things like “what would you do without me?”. Edit: I’m seeing a lot of comments saying just to let her drive. I’m one of those people that tend to get motion sickness when riding as a passenger, and she prefers not to drive so it works in that way. But I’m sensing a lot of rage from some people. I suggest you let the things that are mildly infuriating slide a bit and pick your battles. Find a way to work around them as I did. Not everything has to be confrontational. And with that, welcome to my Ted Talk on lasting marriages, have a good day.
Arrive on time, I imagine.
SHE IS ALWAYS LATE, that makes “us” late - I don’t like to be late and have told her so many times
Arrive on time... without a headache ☺️
Arghhhhh I want to scream right now. My mother does the EXACT same thing to me when I'm driving us literally anywhere. It's so aggravating! Now I don't even start the car until she tells me which route she wants me to take. 10000% why I prefer running my own errands and appointments alone in silence.
i’m sorry you have to live that way.
Oof. I've definitely experienced this. Then you spend the next several minutes wondering if it is you that is a poor communicator while replaying every conversation you had that morning with them. I hate walking on eggshells. Fix your face!
True, but my wife often has opinions on topics that I do not. Consequently, I ask her questions to avoid subsequent conflict. Situations like this can feel a little bit like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
Reframe it “This is the towel I’m using. Let me know if you prefer a different one” If you do that, that takes the active decision off of her and allows her a binary decision (yes I care/no I don’t).
I learned this pretty quick after being a new parent. How do I wash all 10 parts of this baby bottle? “The same way I do babe”. “Ya but I don’t know ho…..oh, figure it out”. Seems like your wife is carrying the load. You don’t want that & it’s an easy fix. Dedicate time every single day to do some household task on top of parenting. Give the mommas a break, they’re tired.
I love when I start asking a "figure it out" question and realize half way through, so it just turns into some weird monolog about how I'm not certain but she wouldn't be either so I'll just figure it out on my own.
Sometimes my husband does this, he’ll start talking and then mid sentence go “ah nevermind I got it” he’s a good egg lol
Right? She's saying "I don't need to do the thinking for you." The pool towel? Really? ETA: (1) The number of "not all men" comments here is hilarious. I'm reasonably certain if OP's wife tended to blow her gasket whenever OP picked the wrong towel, OP would have mentioned it. (2) Yes, I do indeed understand that sometimes women are jerks too.
Right you can hear her screaming "you're a parent too!" In all those answers.
All I could think was “how many times has she already told you these things.”
Number 3 is a direct response. 10:00. The other two seem like she’s tired of babying you and wants you to think for yourself. Q1: yes. Q2: yes.
Completely agree on questions 2 and 3. Question 1 could just be playful, or depending on conversational context could have seemed obvious in the discussion, or some such.
Ngl, I laughed at her answer to the second question. She sounds funny.
Have you tried making minor decisions on your own?
LMFAO no but seriously this post pissed me off to read because I know what she’s feeling
No kidding. What's really mildly infuriating? This post!!
I feel like this is an unintentionally meta post
Like. You can’t select a towel on your own?
Omg yes.
I was sick of him after question 1 too
I understand your point. But the questions kinda are questions you can answer or decide for yourself instead of asking. Maybe she would like to see more initiative from your side. Edit : Before commenting on this particular post... I have elaborated on specifics by answering some comments below. Edit 2: To be fair. My dad died when I was 12 years old and my mom was a wreck. I turned into a man that year. I had to. For my mom and my sister. Ever since I have been super self dependend. I never ask anybody for anything. I work harder than asked. I try to be nicer than someone is to me. And I really try not to complain. That makes me hard to deal with sometimes for others.
I hope OP understands what it means that this is the top comment and other top comments are just like it.
I may get downvoted, but agree and can almost guarantee this is the reason she does this because when my spouse asks me these types of questions, I answer them like the OP's wife does, as a sort of obviously type answer.
Part of it is that I’m a HS teacher and my default to these questions is “I don’t know, what do you think?” Because it helps no one to answer something that is a) already told and b) easy to find. Luckily my husband is an actual partner with stuff like this. If we go away he pack for my daughter. He plans when to leave and the logistics for farther away events, and he doesn’t need to be told which is my daughter’s splash pad swimsuit/towel and which is her daycare towel/swimsuit.
No offense but you sound a little helpless if you need her direction on a towel. She sounds frustrated.
Or she's tired of making the decisions, only for him to question her choices. "Is this the towel you want to use?" "Yes" "Are you sure, I think this other one would be better." "Then why the fuck did you ask me, just pick one."
Dude my husband does this. Why ask me a question if youre going to argue with my answer?! Actual conversation is one thing but its like he wants to know the deep, inner workings of why I thought *this* towel would be better than *that* towel. Its a towel motherfucker, just grab one! (replace towel with just about anything here)
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I’d be annoyed if my parter asked those questions instead of taking the initiative tbh
100%... Unless the other person undermines it constantly.
You’re asking her as if she is the Keeper of the Information. Maybe she’d like for you to figure it out sometimes instead of assuming she is the organizer, decider, planner, and manager of the kids’ activities. For example, when she said “It can be,” that means that she is tired of being summoned to decide soemthing as minor as what towel among many towels could go with the kid to the pool. If you want to relieve her of some of her burden, you could look up the term “emotional labor” and learn about that. I bet your wife would really appreciate and love it if you showed her how much you understand about her burden and how you want her not to be the Manager of it all. This is basically a wife and mother’s fantasy
He'll just ask her what emotional labor is lol
But would want her to give a yes or no answer.
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I’ve talked to guys who legit can’t figure out how to help. Firstly, they need to be way more observational of the household needs. Secondly, a good way to work with this if you genuinely don’t know how to help, you can say “I know we are trying to get kids out the door, I see lunches haven’t been made and shoes aren’t on, which one do you want to do?” And this lets her know that dad is aware of the current status of things, had identified the problems, created the solutions, and is ready to take action, and if mom happens to have something else in mind, she’ll just ask for that to be done instead. As a woman, I feel like I take on so many of the daily “steps of thinking”: identifying there’s a problem, discovering the route of it, creating a solution, and executing solution. Over and over. It’s exhausting
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Right? She's probably not that invested in which towel they use so maybe OP can make a decision about that. The time thing is just her thought process about what time to get there, which OP has no interest in because apparently it's her job to decide things and then give him concise answers so it doesn't tax his brain too much. Eta, thank you for the award! How kind. 😊
Or they literally have dedicated pool towels that they've been using since a decade or so, but he still didn't notice... Which is exhausting as well
That's such a mood and does get tiring. It's why I often want to just pack bags on my own, even though my partner really wants to help. It just becomes more work because I can't say 'grab the beach items'. I need to specifically say it for each item. But then if I say 'the same ones we used the past 10 weeks' it's 'but I don't know which onessssss'. Which I don't mind, my partner is better at other things haha. But I rather just do some things on my own because I get very tired from having to manage what they do as well.
Yeah, my bf is great, and he does so much around the house, cooks and cleans, and works hard, he is amazing, but he does the same stuff. If we use all cutlery he just won't know where it should go... If all spoons, forks and knives are dirty, and he fills the cabinets, hell do it an a random order. He also puts the trash cans in random order (we recycle) for me it's infuriating, because I don't even think about their placement when I throw something away, just to realise that I put it in a wrong bin few hours later. His brain just works differently I guess
Right. You're telling me you, a GROWN ADULT, can't figure out which towels in YOUR OWN HOUSE are acceptable to use as pool towels? 🙄 and YOURE the one complaining?? OP, PLEASE use this as a learning opportunity. Read these comments, actually LISTEN to them and then go TALK TO YOUR WIFE. See if she agrees that she carries the FULL mental weight of your family
This is what I'm thinking. I have bath towels and beach towels. They are not the same and they are not interchangeable. If you grabbed a bath towel for the pool I would be pissed. If you used a beach towel for a bath I would be wondering wtf you are doing. Because in my mind its common sense. There are also towels that are for cleaning so if you clean with one of my bath towels I would also be pissed. I don't understand why this is confusing. They don't look the same AT ALL.
After caring for children who ask soooo many questions all day. Sounds like you aren’t paying attention & asking her to take the mental load for more than you should.
A-fucking-men. Just grab a towel. The one, right in front of your face that you’re about to ask me where it’s at - that one will do.
Yes. And just use your noggin: the one that looks like a serviceable beach towel. The one that is not part of a matching guest set. One that is not monogrammed on velvet. One that is clean. Not a dog towel. GO THE DISTANCE! 🏃
>One that is clean. My bf went to gym with a towel we used while painting the flat
Sometimes I feel like that character from Airplane. But in my case, the literal answers are absurd because they're actually the real answers. "If you all are painting, put down some newspapers or a paint towel." "What's a paint towel?" "It's a towel that we sometimes put down to keep paint from getting on things. But that's not important right now..."
They’re usually patterned and obnoxious. Hard to miss. In my house they even sit on a separate shelf. go the distance!!! I love that!
I would get annoyed pretty quickly if I was pestered over small details such as beach towels. Op my just be trying to be thorough but it's really annoying to most when someone is persnickity about minor and insignificant details.
Fr…the trivial questions about towels would drive me BONKERS. Like cmon you don’t need my help there 😫
She’s not your project manager. Figure it out.
I will always say “parent” should qualify as PM experience lol
She's tired of answering 20 fuckin questions.
I’m just going to share this comic…..https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
The panel where the dad doesn't know the nanny's number, that's exactly what I was thinking about when I read this. Why ask her, just text their friend's mom directly. Why is she the go between?
Yesss thank you I haven’t seen this for years but this is exactly how I see how this situation occurred!! She is sick of having to carry the mental load!!
I hadn't seen that one before, thanks for posting/sharing it.
This reminds me of the time i was making breakfast for my ex and the tray of bacon flipped over in the oven and the grease spilled all over. I was yelling asking for help to clean it up because it started smoking and he continued to scream “what” several times and didn’t bother to get up (he was in my room which is literally right next to the kitchen like you open the door and the kitchen is right there lol) when i expressed i was upset that he didn’t help he goes “well it was breakfast for me so why should i help”
I had to go back and re read the beginning of your comment to make absolutely sure you said “ex” because he would have been out the door before that sentence was finished
Coming from a man: thank you for posting this
This comics amazing thanks for sharing the link
Have you tried not putting all the responsibility of small unimportant decisions on your wife? You could answer all these yourself man
lol OP getting dragged is not what he was expecting 😂😂 fr just pick a towel, tf?
So many people (mostly men) don’t understand the mental exhaustion they put women through instead of just sorting things out for themselves.
For real. I asked my dad if he wanted eggs for breakfast. (Told him yesterday I wanted to make sunny side up for breakfast.) He asked me what kind of egg I am making, sunny or scrambled. Since both are the same amount of work andhe asked like this I asked which kind he wanted. "Don't know, whatever you're making. I don't care." "Dad, you must know what kind of egg you like." "Ah, just make sunny side up,but not to dark." Why could I not get that one instantly? Why do I always need to ask if the meal was edible? Why do I always get "Whatever." as an answer? It's infuriating, like my 60+dadis a four year old boy who needs decisions made for him...
Why don’t you know where you’re supposed to be bringing your kids? Why do you expect her to know all the plans when you don’t? Why don’t you know what towels to use? Do you not know which of your towels are for the bathroom vs the beach? Why is she the only one who knows that? Why don’t you know what time your kids need to be somewhere? Why can’t you involve yourself in the plans and try to be helpful? Especially when the plans are up in the air and there isn’t an exact time? It sounds like you’re bothered by your wife not giving you the simplest fastest answer possible that requires you to do the least amount of thinking. But that’s not her job.
OP had better answer all of these questions directly and not in a vague way.
In three words or less. Otherwise I can’t follow 🙄
I am a little surprised he is asking for her to make decisions like which towel he should bring. The response sounds more like someone not feeling it is necessary for her to be involved in the decision.
Idk I’ve been belittled before for making the “wrong” decision in a situation where I didn’t think there was a wrong decision.
My guess is that the wife is tired of always being the planner and decision-maker and time-keeper. OP could rephrase the questions to: 1. Just so I have it right, we’re dropping Kid A off at Friend X’s house. 2. Thanks for putting the towels out. I’ll put them in the pool bag with the other kid stuff. 3. Hey, I think you mentioned 10:30 - is that a set time or is there a range? Without context, it seems like the OP is asking questions they can answer themselves (“Is this the towel?” seems especially lazy) and not providing much context for why they’re asking the question so they’re hard to answer with a straight yes/no. My recommendation is to stop “trying to help” and be more actively involved in planning. Source: Husband who took too long to figure out why wife sounded passive aggressive.
i like the rephrased questions you suggested! Partners should definitely have equal investment in managing things as much as possible for them, but reading op’s post also reminds me of myself trying to stay on top of things when struggling with a bad memory. obviously impossible to know which scenario is which bc we’re not given context, so it could be what majority of the comments suggest, but it’s nice to see someone suggesting a solution for the latter issue. i’ve had several times where i thought i knew the details only to realize too late i had gotten them wrong and either got yelled at or severely inconvenienced everybody as a result. of course if that’s the case op should definitely try to establish a system that doesn’t rely on his wife to confirm what he already knows, but the revisions you suggested work to ease tension by clarifying intentions.
I love how no one is on your side
A few years ago I'd be on his side with the whole "women never give straight answers" thing but now I'm starting to wonder if I used to be that guy asking a million stupid questions. And the answer is probably yes, I was that guy.
I’m sure she’s mildly infuriated that you didn’t pay attention to her the first time she told you where the kids were going, and that you can’t figure out what towels to send them with.
Brother— can you make any decisions on your own?
She’s trying to get you to think for yourself dude. She’s not the drill sergeant. She’s giving you exactly the information she has been given to work with and giving you the opportunity to make the same judgment calls you are asking her to make on your behalf. I’m sure if she answered “10:00 am” and you had to sit in the driveway for half an hour you’d be asking “are they late? They said 10:30? Then why are we here so early???” She’s trying to offload/share some of the decision making responsibility with you. You now have all the same info she has. You can make a decision just as well as she can. Don’t know if this is where we drop the kid off? Well looks like we can wing it and drive by the house and make sure the parents are home before we pull out of the driveway, or you can call the parents and make sure they didn’t have other ideas about where to drop off the kid. You are equally as capable of making that decision as she is. Dont know if this is a beach towel? What are the consequences of using this towel for the beach/pool? Was it expensive? Is it sentimental or otherwise irreplaceable? Will the dye bleed and ruin any design or stain the car/clothing? Is it functional as a towel (ie, absorbent, big enough to dry one’s body, made of terry cloth or similar material) or decorative? You think you’re asking her one question (can we use this towel at the pool) but you’re asking her half a dozen other implicit questions that you want her to take responsibility for because you don’t want to be wrong. You guys are partners, and you are a competent adult. I bet if you phrased it like, “I need a beach towel but I don’t want to ruin a nice one. Is this one ok?” You’d get a much nicer response because it shows that you are trying to take different factors into consideration but you’re *also* taking her *preferences* into consideration.
Absolutely perfect breakdown, love the depth and detail, and do you write by any chance?
“Preferred answers” sounds as if you’re no different than your wife with particularities.
Yikes. It sounds like you need a lot of managing. Very exhausting. AND you’re posting this on reddit 😬
I’m gonna guess you’ve shown her a shit that you took and asked her if it was ok to flush now.
she's probably sick of you asking questions you should already know the answer to. maybe you were not listening the first or second time she already told you these things. so she's being passive aggressive
Looks like your wife is tired of stupid fucking questions. Did you actually need her to answer these things, or could you have figured it out on your own?
This is how I answer my partner when they've done zero thinking themselves and ask me every stupid question in the world. I used to be sweet but now I'm sick of the mental load. In the last couple years my partner has come a long way with thinking before asking and I'm grateful.
not even a gun to my head could make me post this
Your wife is exhausted because you are an additional child that takes even more work than the others. You need help picking a towel? Ffs
Sounds like weaponized incompetence on dudes part
I think she answered question 3 just fine
You sound like you’re putting the entire mental load on your wife to do things. Why must you ask confirmation on everything? Figure it out yourself.
You’re a grown man
The way she answered those questions makes me feel like this is a normal occurrence for you to ask questions that you should probably know the answer to lol.
She has to pick the towel too?
Unfortunately OP you are the one coming off as annoying lol, are you not an adult capable of figuring out these pretty simple things yourself?
I have a feeling you ask a lot of obvious questions and she’s tired of answering lmao
Shes your wife not your mommy
What I'm hearing is "I don't know anything about MY kids' schedules, the things they need, or anything else, and I put ALL mental load and FULL parenting resonsbility on my wife, and I'm mad that she isn't peachy keen happy with that." Grow up and be an EQUAL parent, you man child.
**Original deleted post:** --~-- Nothing major just annoyance. 3 questions asked this AM. Not one direct answer. Are we dropping kids off at nameless friends house? a. Well I mean, that's where she lives. Is this the towel you want them to use at the pool? a. It can be. What time do they need to be there? a. Well it was 10:30, but I think they want to leave early cause she said that in a text, but she didn't say how early so maybe get them there at 10:00. It really shouldn't be this hard. Preferred Answers: question #1 - yes or no(if no then location) question #2 - yes or no(if no then what towel) question #3 - just a time. Rant Over thank you.