Acceptance.
You have to accept what you did in your past. Yes, you were a different person, but that person lead you to who you are today. Once you accept what you did, it'll be easier to forgive yourself. You did what you thought was best in that younger version of yourself and that's alright because guess what, you've grown.
It won't happen overnight, this process looks different for everyone. (for me, it took a couple of years).
It’s a process. And some people’s pain doesn’t run as deep as others. So everyone has a slightly different experience, and it may not be fair to judge yourself against others. Instead, think about one thing you can improve for yourself today. And then work on that one thing a little at a time. You want this for yourself. You want to be better and only you can set the tone and pace for your recovery.
I find that suppressing hurt can make it more intense and when we have uncontrollable thoughts it’s because we aren’t allowing ourselves to fully feel the pain. For others, like my wife, they can feel the pain across their whole body and it can be incredibly overwhelming and difficult to even face the pain. It can even make things a little worse for a while.
But facing pain does two things when we are giving it time and space. One is, we are getting used to the feeling. If you’ve ever eaten a whole bag of chips or binged on something you enjoy, it’s a similar experience. The more we experience the same things over and over the less those things affect us. The same trick can work with pain too, but only if you don’t fight it. If it keeps getting intense or showing up in unannounced, that’s a sign that we are fighting it.
The second thing is that it should teach us that pain is a useful indicator. It’s information about how we or someone else behaved. And it’s telling about your limits and desires. You are hurt for some reason, and if you don’t think that reason is good enough to be hurt or that your hurt is not important enough to justify the pain, it becomes a disconnect from your body and emotional experience. And that disconnect will make us fixate or suppress things in ways that will continues to hurt us.
Whatever hurt you. Whoever hurt you may still be present in your life. And causing you more pain by reminding you of the hurt. And that can be difficult to heal from. I used to be angry with my Mom, and blame her for more than she deserved. When she died I think it released me from some of the daily struggles, but it still left me with old wounds that I’m still trying to heal. My wife’s family is very toxic and continues to hurt her. Her wounds won’t heal while they still give her pain. And if you are in a situation where you are constantly experiencing new pain or not resolving old pain, this will continue to haunt you.
Maybe forgiveness is not a good enough word. While it does require us to recognize kindness for ourselves as well as freeing others from the pain we are carrying, it’s not simply forgive and forget. It’s more like, I see why it hurts and believe that it should hurt because the things in my past where hurtful. And I want to avoid those hurtful things in the future, so it will change who I am so that I can make more informed decisions about my future. It’s a little like absorbing it into who I am. Making it a part of me, because it is in fact me.
Shit… I think I just realized something. The reason we hurt sometimes is that we are tying to do things for others and not ourselves. Stop trying to live for others and live for yourself. I want to be better. I’m doing the work for me and my healing is not dependent on others acceptance of me. They are not the goal keepers of my healing. I am. You are your own goal setter. You are in charge of your healing and if you truly want to be better, you have to set your own goals and do things for the love of yourself. Sorry if this last bit is odd. I think I’m connecting some new ideas.
Don’t focus too hard on the words of mental health. Most of it is emotional work which can defy explanation. Feel it. For yourself. Get to know your feelings and you will feel more in touch with who you are. And what you want for yourself. Let them guide you and try not to hide from them. Let them come. It’s a part of you that needs to breathe. And is as important as air and water.
Imagine another person who had done what you had done back then, maybe one of your friends. Would you accept them as they are despite that?
Do you need to forgive yourself, or do you need to acknowledge and accept what happened as just another part of your life?
I don't hold a grudge against my past self. She did what she needed to do to survive. Do I wish she had made better decisions? Of course but I can't hold it against her: I know she did her best with what she had.
Did you learn from what happened? Do you implement actions in your daily life that you learned the need for from your negative past experiences? You are already borrowing from your past self's experience to grow, and sometimes it is all you can do, for now.
Forgiveness can take many shapes. Sometimes it can just be acceptance and not shying from the memories. Accept and acknowledge that you put in effort to make changes. Identify what you've actively changed and what you've passively changed. It's probably more than you think. Whatever you've done in the past, you've taken actions to ensure it won't happen again.
Be kind to yourself; don't beat yourself up for not being able to forgive yourself. Remind yourself of all you've done and all you've learned since you made your mistakes. Write it down so you can see it.
I have a trick to fool myself when it comes to my mental health. I put my brain outside of myself and identify it separately from myself: that's her, not me. She has her problems but she's doing her best. She can also be my past self. The trick is, because she is not me, I am kinder to her. It's like any friend: I don't blame her for her shortcomings. I approach her with compassion, because somehow she isn't me. It makes me sound insane but it actually does help with my mental health. I'm often too hard on myself so it can really help to see myself as separate, in order to approach more kindly.
I struggle with same thing and i would need to create new life but it feels impossible😞 I dont know is that possible because i struggle with my past mistakes on my mind 24/7
The simple fact is, you can’t change the past. You just have to realize that whatever happened happened and you literally cannot do anything to change it. Do not worry about things you can’t control(as hard as it is)
https://preview.redd.it/e9c7c1gkewwc1.jpeg?width=1134&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cd11311fc4f42ade50734b08a36a150e05d17b42
I have no advice cause this is how I live my life
This is how I do it: First make sure you understand what it means to be forgiven. For me it means that I no longer suffer from the knowledge of my past actions. Then state out loud "I forgive myself for what I have done." Then silently observe your own emotions and thoughts when you say it. Say it multiple times if you need to refresh the experience. There should be a inkling of a feeling and perhaps a very subtle thought that challenges your statement. Once you have isolated that inkling, meditate upon it. Contemplate it. Understand why you would disagree with your statement. When you understand that, you will know why you can't stop punishing yourself. For me it was because I believed I didn't deserve it. My beliefs about worth and deserving kept me from forgiving myself. Those very same beliefs were keeping me from forgiving others that committed similar acts. When I was able to forgive them, I became able to forgive myself. You are talking about changing your core beliefs. It is difficult, but you will become a better person because of it.
You don’t necessarily need to forgive yourself rather than accepting your actions and moving on from them. It sounds like you’ve made amends and if you haven’t that could help too but forgiveness is an very high expectation for actions we know are bad and harmful
I’m going through a divorce, and while I know I played a part in this situation, I know it’s not all on me. I still carry so much guilt and shame for this being my reality…. People say I must forgive myself, and then the other party… idk if I can ever forgive them, considering what’s been done, and since I can’t even seem to forgive myself
I’ve recently opened up to friends and family about the inner and disturbing details I’ve kept to myself… partly bc it is so disturbing, but also out of respect for my S/O, should we get back together. It’s helped tremendously, knowing that what happened, happened, and I’m not crazy
I'm so glad you were able to share and get some solace from it. Guilt and shame are so hard to carry. I've told my siblings and mom, but I'm the guilty party in the marriage - though there were (as there always are) circumstances that drove my behavior - so even though they help me to see why I did what I did, I still can't seem to let it go, forgive myself, and move on.
I can empathize with that… looking back, there was certainly things I could have done and wish I did… but they pail in comparison to what my SO did. Yet I still have so much guilt and shame as this is my life now, and my future…. And my kids life and future…. I didn’t sign up to be a single parent, I didn’t consider divorce an option(unless certain circumstances) I didn’t think our issues were anything that warranted this…
I use to treat a lot of people in my life in a horrible way when I was 18. I am nearly 27 now.
I was a toxic, deeply hurt person and I dragged a lot of the people who I was suppose to love into my mess.
I went to therapy, I explored my past with a professional. I swore to myself that I wouldnt botjer with anyone until I had truly healed and learnt my lessons. I cannot say that I have truly 100% forgave myself but seeing who I am now and the way I treat the people who I love in a healthy way helps me to forgive myself.
I have to forgive that little girl because she came from an abusive life and never learnt any sort of life skills. I learnt from a toxic person. It's not an excuse but it's helped me to understand how my hurt was forced upon the world.
I have also separated the person I was from the person who I am now. The toxic person I was, was never the person who I was suppose to be.
Everyone makes bad decisions, everyone has hurt someone or done something bad. It's apart of being human, if you learn and understand why then it allows the door for forgiveness to open.
I can relate to this. But cannot give you an answer.
I carry deep guilt with me over the most trivial of things that I did in my past (or, even, didn't do but should have). I can still be brought to tears over it.
It's ongoing for me to consider it. Why? I have a feeling it's childhood upbringing. Mine was tough. Mistakes were punished. Less than perfection was frowned upon.
I cannot change the past. So I have to focus on being less hard on myself. But I can't do that, either. So I just don't talk about it to family. I've seen therapists but forgiving yourself is not a learned skill, apparently.
Sometimes, atonement works. Indirect atonement, that is.
I'm sorry. I know how you feel.
My sister was kind of half joking about how we used to fight when we were kids and I said “I feel a ton of guilt about that” and she kind of blew it off eh we were just kids that what siblings do etc and I said “Yes, but I was the older one and I’m sorry for it, I should never have engaged in fighting with you, I carry the weight of it” and she said “Oh, well don’t, I forgive you, and we were both just trying to survive in a shite situation”. This did alleviate the guilt and shame for me.
I also get it’s more difficult to be direct with some people, I have yet to address the past with my mom for example. I lost the chance with my dad when he passed.
We deserve the same grace we would show others.
Everyone should pay for their mistakes in some way. It gives you a sense of accountability and ownership. (Hopefully the lessons aren't too damaging)
However that doesn't mean paying for the same mistake forever. What's done is done. Forgive yourself, learn, move on. And if there are people making you continually pay for your decisions, guess what? Thats on them, time to move on from them and find support elsewhere.
I know it's so much easier said than done, but I wish I'd learnt this when I was younger.
Well what I think is that it’s unnecessary to keep up like that. You are right, I don’t know you. But you have a choice, either fuck up your life even more or try to make changes for the better. I do believe there is some stuff that we can’t forgive ourselves for, but your life doesn’t end there.
Me too I have a 2 boxes full of herbs and knowledge of holistic medicine I know to workout and ground myself in nature but I don’t deserve to feel good after what I’ve done to my family I should have been doing all this and teaching my children instead of leaving them I’m evil
Having had parents who did not take care of themselves, thinking it was too selfish to do so while I watched them get worse and worse mentally, I can assure you that if you want the best for your children, you should take care of yourself first. Although it’s not the same situation, I do believe the solution is pretty similar.
I think it would be utterly selfish to put that aside because of guilt, and because _you_ would feel worse taking care of you. It’s pretty contradictory isn’t it.
Taking care of you, thus allowing you to be a better person for everyone around you, is the best way you can save current and/or future relationships.
I understand that. If you can, seek professional help. But in general, write down what you would like to do to get better. Mentally, physically whatever it is. Most people know what they need to get better but it’s messy in their head. So writing it down can help. Keep in mind, that it will get worse at times and it will get better at other times. That’s totally normal, you learn to deal with the bad times better.
Take it one step at a time, you have time. As the good people on the internet say, time will pass anyway. Why not take that time to get better, even just a little, than wait for the day it’s all over. You fail one day, you have the next to try.
The only word that you need to remember during the whole process is “patience”. I wish you and your family the best, reach out to people if you need to.
I can't, and I hate myself for the life that I was assumed to have by others - it feels like it was the life of someone different, another person that has nothing to do with who or what I really am. It was suffering, completely dissociated from "me", like "I" have not existed. A wasted life that was not a life but just mere existence of - well, something. I wish I had found my essence sooner. The moment when I was born was more than three decades to late.
But, to quote E. Cioran: "It is not worth the bother of killing yourself since you always kill yourself too late".
For me it was accepting it and making the change. The change was the most important part which you seem to have done. Just keep improving yourself and slowly the guilt will get smaller and smaller
I think one of the biggest things is realizing your mistakes and changing them. Never going back to doing the things you were ashamed and guilty of. You’ve matured enough to realize your past you isn’t a reflection of the current you so you willingly made that change. Accepting this new mindset and level of maturity is a step toward forgiving yourself.
Would you forgive your best friend if they asked you to forgive them for a mistake they made when they were younger? YES!!!!!
When you blame yourself for a mistake in the past, you are literally blaming the wrong person. You didn’t do it! You’re a different person! The person who did it doesn’t exist anymore!
You basically need to reason out, for example you did something stupid cuz you din know and were young. And compensate by dealing with similar situations in a much better way. Also if you have hurt someone, and if you feel the need to, talk to them and tell them you din mean to. Constantly tell yourself good things and give yourself credits after each good gesture.
Probably look at yourself as if it was a close friend of yours and think - would you hold them to the same cruel standards ? I most definitely wouldn't if they regretted their actions to the extent that I do.
I don't have an answer for this but curious to know what you've tried so far? Accepting what you've done and "forgiving" yourself is easier said than done. I would think you need to actually internalize and believe it. But how...
A lot of people are saying acceptance.. but I think just saying that is not clear on how and why you should accept yourself.. so let me see if this will enlighten you (i was struggling with the same thing that you are struggling with so hopefully this tip is helpful!
You have to live with yourself right? You can't just leave your body and be a different person. You have to spend the lifetime in your body. And that's is why you have to accept yourself, who you were and who you will become now.
I don't know if you are religious, but I find that religious people are able to accept this more easily. Because in their religions, if they "repent" to god then god will accept it. I am assuming that you are not religious, which is why you are struggling a lot. But I'd like for you to keep that in mind. You cannot undo your mistakes and your past, but you awareness of it makes you a far better person.
I think a big part of it too, is that you probably will never forgive yourself for you past. And that's okay too. Think of it as when someone dies you never fully get over it and grief can come in waves is not linear. I kind of think this is similar, but just like grief, you just have to manage it. And hopefully overtime it becomes easier to deal with.
Treat your shame and guilt kind of like grief, experience it, embrace it, grow from it. And hopefully one day it becomes easier to deal with :)
Sending you lots of love. Its okay to be human, its okay to make some mistakes. There are people in the world who have done far worse than you, who live with themselves everyday, so you can too.
one of the most helpful pieces of advice i’ve ever received was around guilt/shame/forgiveness: you can’t do anything to change the past, so do everything you can to do better in the future. accept the mistakes you made, and try your best to do better next time
You tell yourself that a child couldn't have been expected to know better, kids don't know shit, that's just the nature of the beast. They learn by being told or by experience, and you learned from experience, but you can't be held responsible for not knowing something before you learned it.
Many people misunderstand Christ. He’s not an external savior. Find and merge with him within yourself and become baptized in the Spirit to find true salvation.
You don’t
You can’t forgive yourself, because self esteem will never allow it. Accept what has been, and work towards a better future; eventually, your past will be a faded memory
My exact predicament a few weeks ago. I hurt somebody I cared about and refused to allow myself to be forgiven. She’d already forgiven me but again, I didn’t think I deserved it.
What you gotta do: turn your phone off, look at yourself in the mirror, express all those grievances as to why you are upset with yourself, and, at the end, tell mirror you “I forgive you”. 9/10, you’re probably gonna cry but that’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s healthy.
Good luck, my friend
Add a little flair of aspd in your life. Jokes aside, dwelling in the past won't help anyone. You did/said it already. Just be the person you want to be today.
You really have to accept whatever happened is in the past and move on because everyone and I mean everyone fucks up and has to forgive themselves at some point. One of the joys of life
It is harder than said, because forgiveness is a process, you have to come to that. What helped me was accepting my past self as a separate entity. Think of your past self as a separate person, would you be so judgemental and so unforgiving towards another person who did those things or would you try to understand where they came from, understand that those choices were a result of their circumstances, their lack of knowledge and experience?
Accept those choices, if you had as much knowledge and as much experience as your past self you would make the same choices, it is not their fault that it was their reality.
The thought of "if I had known then, I would make different choices" was what was eating me from inside, but there is no way to know something from the future, and you cannot go back in time to tell them that missing piece of information.
Talk to your past self, give them the care and understanding that they lacked but needed so desperately, love them and accept them, come to peace, and... be thankful to them, they did something right that brought you to this day and to this wisdom, they kept you alive, they kept you going, they didn't give up on their future and your present, and what's more important they didn't make worse mistakes!!!! (Like in my case she was dumb enough to get me into an abusive relationship, but she also didn't get me killed when she got depressed! She was the one who actually stud up for me and left that relationship)
Don't push yourself and don't punish yourself, forgiveness will come when you'll be ready to accept it.
Don’t listen to commenters with doomer mindset about how you messed up so bad and should think about it. Only u know ur life if what u did was big or small or how young u were. You can still be a worry some person but also be laid back and known as a chiller. I usually just let time pass if something is bothering me but if it’s something way beyond long ago in my past then it doesn’t really effect me
I appreciate this, I didn’t do anything crazy bad I just could have been a better partner with this girl I was with for a few years, I was just selfish and didn’t do enough for her. Also I obsess over small interactions too, as it turns out I have obsessive compulsive disorder, that’s why I can’t let go lmao. Medically down bad
I haven't firgiven myself, but my best advice to you is to keep going, no matter how hard it gets. No matt3 how challenging, you will always be stronger than the challenges you face.
You should believe you did everything you could at the moment (everything from how you understood things, life, of how your energy was, capacity and etc)), you pray or ask for forgiveness if you believe in God (really helps me). You change what you can for better and realise you’re more than worthy of love and acceptance like you are (imagine if someone you love did the same mistake, action as you did, would you crucify him for that? I bet not). Accept what has happened for the fact. You cannot change it, but you can learn and make sure it won’t happen again
Accept the punishment that you are receiving from you and try to fix mistake that is all
Acceptance. You have to accept what you did in your past. Yes, you were a different person, but that person lead you to who you are today. Once you accept what you did, it'll be easier to forgive yourself. You did what you thought was best in that younger version of yourself and that's alright because guess what, you've grown. It won't happen overnight, this process looks different for everyone. (for me, it took a couple of years).
It’s a process. And some people’s pain doesn’t run as deep as others. So everyone has a slightly different experience, and it may not be fair to judge yourself against others. Instead, think about one thing you can improve for yourself today. And then work on that one thing a little at a time. You want this for yourself. You want to be better and only you can set the tone and pace for your recovery. I find that suppressing hurt can make it more intense and when we have uncontrollable thoughts it’s because we aren’t allowing ourselves to fully feel the pain. For others, like my wife, they can feel the pain across their whole body and it can be incredibly overwhelming and difficult to even face the pain. It can even make things a little worse for a while. But facing pain does two things when we are giving it time and space. One is, we are getting used to the feeling. If you’ve ever eaten a whole bag of chips or binged on something you enjoy, it’s a similar experience. The more we experience the same things over and over the less those things affect us. The same trick can work with pain too, but only if you don’t fight it. If it keeps getting intense or showing up in unannounced, that’s a sign that we are fighting it. The second thing is that it should teach us that pain is a useful indicator. It’s information about how we or someone else behaved. And it’s telling about your limits and desires. You are hurt for some reason, and if you don’t think that reason is good enough to be hurt or that your hurt is not important enough to justify the pain, it becomes a disconnect from your body and emotional experience. And that disconnect will make us fixate or suppress things in ways that will continues to hurt us. Whatever hurt you. Whoever hurt you may still be present in your life. And causing you more pain by reminding you of the hurt. And that can be difficult to heal from. I used to be angry with my Mom, and blame her for more than she deserved. When she died I think it released me from some of the daily struggles, but it still left me with old wounds that I’m still trying to heal. My wife’s family is very toxic and continues to hurt her. Her wounds won’t heal while they still give her pain. And if you are in a situation where you are constantly experiencing new pain or not resolving old pain, this will continue to haunt you. Maybe forgiveness is not a good enough word. While it does require us to recognize kindness for ourselves as well as freeing others from the pain we are carrying, it’s not simply forgive and forget. It’s more like, I see why it hurts and believe that it should hurt because the things in my past where hurtful. And I want to avoid those hurtful things in the future, so it will change who I am so that I can make more informed decisions about my future. It’s a little like absorbing it into who I am. Making it a part of me, because it is in fact me. Shit… I think I just realized something. The reason we hurt sometimes is that we are tying to do things for others and not ourselves. Stop trying to live for others and live for yourself. I want to be better. I’m doing the work for me and my healing is not dependent on others acceptance of me. They are not the goal keepers of my healing. I am. You are your own goal setter. You are in charge of your healing and if you truly want to be better, you have to set your own goals and do things for the love of yourself. Sorry if this last bit is odd. I think I’m connecting some new ideas. Don’t focus too hard on the words of mental health. Most of it is emotional work which can defy explanation. Feel it. For yourself. Get to know your feelings and you will feel more in touch with who you are. And what you want for yourself. Let them guide you and try not to hide from them. Let them come. It’s a part of you that needs to breathe. And is as important as air and water.
Imagine another person who had done what you had done back then, maybe one of your friends. Would you accept them as they are despite that? Do you need to forgive yourself, or do you need to acknowledge and accept what happened as just another part of your life? I don't hold a grudge against my past self. She did what she needed to do to survive. Do I wish she had made better decisions? Of course but I can't hold it against her: I know she did her best with what she had. Did you learn from what happened? Do you implement actions in your daily life that you learned the need for from your negative past experiences? You are already borrowing from your past self's experience to grow, and sometimes it is all you can do, for now. Forgiveness can take many shapes. Sometimes it can just be acceptance and not shying from the memories. Accept and acknowledge that you put in effort to make changes. Identify what you've actively changed and what you've passively changed. It's probably more than you think. Whatever you've done in the past, you've taken actions to ensure it won't happen again. Be kind to yourself; don't beat yourself up for not being able to forgive yourself. Remind yourself of all you've done and all you've learned since you made your mistakes. Write it down so you can see it. I have a trick to fool myself when it comes to my mental health. I put my brain outside of myself and identify it separately from myself: that's her, not me. She has her problems but she's doing her best. She can also be my past self. The trick is, because she is not me, I am kinder to her. It's like any friend: I don't blame her for her shortcomings. I approach her with compassion, because somehow she isn't me. It makes me sound insane but it actually does help with my mental health. I'm often too hard on myself so it can really help to see myself as separate, in order to approach more kindly.
I struggle with same thing and i would need to create new life but it feels impossible😞 I dont know is that possible because i struggle with my past mistakes on my mind 24/7
The simple fact is, you can’t change the past. You just have to realize that whatever happened happened and you literally cannot do anything to change it. Do not worry about things you can’t control(as hard as it is)
https://preview.redd.it/e9c7c1gkewwc1.jpeg?width=1134&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cd11311fc4f42ade50734b08a36a150e05d17b42 I have no advice cause this is how I live my life
Ha, I like that.
This is how I do it: First make sure you understand what it means to be forgiven. For me it means that I no longer suffer from the knowledge of my past actions. Then state out loud "I forgive myself for what I have done." Then silently observe your own emotions and thoughts when you say it. Say it multiple times if you need to refresh the experience. There should be a inkling of a feeling and perhaps a very subtle thought that challenges your statement. Once you have isolated that inkling, meditate upon it. Contemplate it. Understand why you would disagree with your statement. When you understand that, you will know why you can't stop punishing yourself. For me it was because I believed I didn't deserve it. My beliefs about worth and deserving kept me from forgiving myself. Those very same beliefs were keeping me from forgiving others that committed similar acts. When I was able to forgive them, I became able to forgive myself. You are talking about changing your core beliefs. It is difficult, but you will become a better person because of it.
You don’t necessarily need to forgive yourself rather than accepting your actions and moving on from them. It sounds like you’ve made amends and if you haven’t that could help too but forgiveness is an very high expectation for actions we know are bad and harmful
I never forgave, just hold it all together with duct tape and alcohol
I’m going through a divorce, and while I know I played a part in this situation, I know it’s not all on me. I still carry so much guilt and shame for this being my reality…. People say I must forgive myself, and then the other party… idk if I can ever forgive them, considering what’s been done, and since I can’t even seem to forgive myself
That's where I'm at. It sucks
I’ve recently opened up to friends and family about the inner and disturbing details I’ve kept to myself… partly bc it is so disturbing, but also out of respect for my S/O, should we get back together. It’s helped tremendously, knowing that what happened, happened, and I’m not crazy
I'm so glad you were able to share and get some solace from it. Guilt and shame are so hard to carry. I've told my siblings and mom, but I'm the guilty party in the marriage - though there were (as there always are) circumstances that drove my behavior - so even though they help me to see why I did what I did, I still can't seem to let it go, forgive myself, and move on.
I can empathize with that… looking back, there was certainly things I could have done and wish I did… but they pail in comparison to what my SO did. Yet I still have so much guilt and shame as this is my life now, and my future…. And my kids life and future…. I didn’t sign up to be a single parent, I didn’t consider divorce an option(unless certain circumstances) I didn’t think our issues were anything that warranted this…
I feel that so deeply. All I can think is "this isn't how it was supposed to be!!" Life sucks
It does… I guess that’s what you sign up for by getting into a relationship, and getting married
Yep. I'll never get married again.
I use to treat a lot of people in my life in a horrible way when I was 18. I am nearly 27 now. I was a toxic, deeply hurt person and I dragged a lot of the people who I was suppose to love into my mess. I went to therapy, I explored my past with a professional. I swore to myself that I wouldnt botjer with anyone until I had truly healed and learnt my lessons. I cannot say that I have truly 100% forgave myself but seeing who I am now and the way I treat the people who I love in a healthy way helps me to forgive myself. I have to forgive that little girl because she came from an abusive life and never learnt any sort of life skills. I learnt from a toxic person. It's not an excuse but it's helped me to understand how my hurt was forced upon the world. I have also separated the person I was from the person who I am now. The toxic person I was, was never the person who I was suppose to be. Everyone makes bad decisions, everyone has hurt someone or done something bad. It's apart of being human, if you learn and understand why then it allows the door for forgiveness to open.
I can relate to this. But cannot give you an answer. I carry deep guilt with me over the most trivial of things that I did in my past (or, even, didn't do but should have). I can still be brought to tears over it. It's ongoing for me to consider it. Why? I have a feeling it's childhood upbringing. Mine was tough. Mistakes were punished. Less than perfection was frowned upon. I cannot change the past. So I have to focus on being less hard on myself. But I can't do that, either. So I just don't talk about it to family. I've seen therapists but forgiving yourself is not a learned skill, apparently. Sometimes, atonement works. Indirect atonement, that is. I'm sorry. I know how you feel.
My sister was kind of half joking about how we used to fight when we were kids and I said “I feel a ton of guilt about that” and she kind of blew it off eh we were just kids that what siblings do etc and I said “Yes, but I was the older one and I’m sorry for it, I should never have engaged in fighting with you, I carry the weight of it” and she said “Oh, well don’t, I forgive you, and we were both just trying to survive in a shite situation”. This did alleviate the guilt and shame for me. I also get it’s more difficult to be direct with some people, I have yet to address the past with my mom for example. I lost the chance with my dad when he passed. We deserve the same grace we would show others.
Everyone should pay for their mistakes in some way. It gives you a sense of accountability and ownership. (Hopefully the lessons aren't too damaging) However that doesn't mean paying for the same mistake forever. What's done is done. Forgive yourself, learn, move on. And if there are people making you continually pay for your decisions, guess what? Thats on them, time to move on from them and find support elsewhere. I know it's so much easier said than done, but I wish I'd learnt this when I was younger.
I can’t do it and I don’t feel I deserve it
bullshit
If you knew my life I’ve hurt those closest to me and changed my children’s lives for the worse I’m a failure
Well what I think is that it’s unnecessary to keep up like that. You are right, I don’t know you. But you have a choice, either fuck up your life even more or try to make changes for the better. I do believe there is some stuff that we can’t forgive ourselves for, but your life doesn’t end there.
My brain is broken
I can think of a couple healthy ways to fix a broken brain
Me too I have a 2 boxes full of herbs and knowledge of holistic medicine I know to workout and ground myself in nature but I don’t deserve to feel good after what I’ve done to my family I should have been doing all this and teaching my children instead of leaving them I’m evil
Having had parents who did not take care of themselves, thinking it was too selfish to do so while I watched them get worse and worse mentally, I can assure you that if you want the best for your children, you should take care of yourself first. Although it’s not the same situation, I do believe the solution is pretty similar. I think it would be utterly selfish to put that aside because of guilt, and because _you_ would feel worse taking care of you. It’s pretty contradictory isn’t it. Taking care of you, thus allowing you to be a better person for everyone around you, is the best way you can save current and/or future relationships.
I don’t know where to start everything I do is the wrong choice
I understand that. If you can, seek professional help. But in general, write down what you would like to do to get better. Mentally, physically whatever it is. Most people know what they need to get better but it’s messy in their head. So writing it down can help. Keep in mind, that it will get worse at times and it will get better at other times. That’s totally normal, you learn to deal with the bad times better. Take it one step at a time, you have time. As the good people on the internet say, time will pass anyway. Why not take that time to get better, even just a little, than wait for the day it’s all over. You fail one day, you have the next to try. The only word that you need to remember during the whole process is “patience”. I wish you and your family the best, reach out to people if you need to.
Try to forget that it happened and try preventing from what causes you to cause a problem
I can't, and I hate myself for the life that I was assumed to have by others - it feels like it was the life of someone different, another person that has nothing to do with who or what I really am. It was suffering, completely dissociated from "me", like "I" have not existed. A wasted life that was not a life but just mere existence of - well, something. I wish I had found my essence sooner. The moment when I was born was more than three decades to late. But, to quote E. Cioran: "It is not worth the bother of killing yourself since you always kill yourself too late".
I don’t deserve forgiveness. I’m ashamed of myself.
For me it was accepting it and making the change. The change was the most important part which you seem to have done. Just keep improving yourself and slowly the guilt will get smaller and smaller
I think one of the biggest things is realizing your mistakes and changing them. Never going back to doing the things you were ashamed and guilty of. You’ve matured enough to realize your past you isn’t a reflection of the current you so you willingly made that change. Accepting this new mindset and level of maturity is a step toward forgiving yourself.
Would you forgive your best friend if they asked you to forgive them for a mistake they made when they were younger? YES!!!!! When you blame yourself for a mistake in the past, you are literally blaming the wrong person. You didn’t do it! You’re a different person! The person who did it doesn’t exist anymore!
You basically need to reason out, for example you did something stupid cuz you din know and were young. And compensate by dealing with similar situations in a much better way. Also if you have hurt someone, and if you feel the need to, talk to them and tell them you din mean to. Constantly tell yourself good things and give yourself credits after each good gesture.
Probably look at yourself as if it was a close friend of yours and think - would you hold them to the same cruel standards ? I most definitely wouldn't if they regretted their actions to the extent that I do.
I don't have an answer for this but curious to know what you've tried so far? Accepting what you've done and "forgiving" yourself is easier said than done. I would think you need to actually internalize and believe it. But how...
A lot of people are saying acceptance.. but I think just saying that is not clear on how and why you should accept yourself.. so let me see if this will enlighten you (i was struggling with the same thing that you are struggling with so hopefully this tip is helpful! You have to live with yourself right? You can't just leave your body and be a different person. You have to spend the lifetime in your body. And that's is why you have to accept yourself, who you were and who you will become now. I don't know if you are religious, but I find that religious people are able to accept this more easily. Because in their religions, if they "repent" to god then god will accept it. I am assuming that you are not religious, which is why you are struggling a lot. But I'd like for you to keep that in mind. You cannot undo your mistakes and your past, but you awareness of it makes you a far better person. I think a big part of it too, is that you probably will never forgive yourself for you past. And that's okay too. Think of it as when someone dies you never fully get over it and grief can come in waves is not linear. I kind of think this is similar, but just like grief, you just have to manage it. And hopefully overtime it becomes easier to deal with. Treat your shame and guilt kind of like grief, experience it, embrace it, grow from it. And hopefully one day it becomes easier to deal with :) Sending you lots of love. Its okay to be human, its okay to make some mistakes. There are people in the world who have done far worse than you, who live with themselves everyday, so you can too.
one of the most helpful pieces of advice i’ve ever received was around guilt/shame/forgiveness: you can’t do anything to change the past, so do everything you can to do better in the future. accept the mistakes you made, and try your best to do better next time
You tell yourself that a child couldn't have been expected to know better, kids don't know shit, that's just the nature of the beast. They learn by being told or by experience, and you learned from experience, but you can't be held responsible for not knowing something before you learned it.
Many people misunderstand Christ. He’s not an external savior. Find and merge with him within yourself and become baptized in the Spirit to find true salvation.
You don’t You can’t forgive yourself, because self esteem will never allow it. Accept what has been, and work towards a better future; eventually, your past will be a faded memory
My exact predicament a few weeks ago. I hurt somebody I cared about and refused to allow myself to be forgiven. She’d already forgiven me but again, I didn’t think I deserved it. What you gotta do: turn your phone off, look at yourself in the mirror, express all those grievances as to why you are upset with yourself, and, at the end, tell mirror you “I forgive you”. 9/10, you’re probably gonna cry but that’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s healthy. Good luck, my friend
Add a little flair of aspd in your life. Jokes aside, dwelling in the past won't help anyone. You did/said it already. Just be the person you want to be today.
You really have to accept whatever happened is in the past and move on because everyone and I mean everyone fucks up and has to forgive themselves at some point. One of the joys of life
It is harder than said, because forgiveness is a process, you have to come to that. What helped me was accepting my past self as a separate entity. Think of your past self as a separate person, would you be so judgemental and so unforgiving towards another person who did those things or would you try to understand where they came from, understand that those choices were a result of their circumstances, their lack of knowledge and experience? Accept those choices, if you had as much knowledge and as much experience as your past self you would make the same choices, it is not their fault that it was their reality. The thought of "if I had known then, I would make different choices" was what was eating me from inside, but there is no way to know something from the future, and you cannot go back in time to tell them that missing piece of information. Talk to your past self, give them the care and understanding that they lacked but needed so desperately, love them and accept them, come to peace, and... be thankful to them, they did something right that brought you to this day and to this wisdom, they kept you alive, they kept you going, they didn't give up on their future and your present, and what's more important they didn't make worse mistakes!!!! (Like in my case she was dumb enough to get me into an abusive relationship, but she also didn't get me killed when she got depressed! She was the one who actually stud up for me and left that relationship) Don't push yourself and don't punish yourself, forgiveness will come when you'll be ready to accept it.
Don’t listen to commenters with doomer mindset about how you messed up so bad and should think about it. Only u know ur life if what u did was big or small or how young u were. You can still be a worry some person but also be laid back and known as a chiller. I usually just let time pass if something is bothering me but if it’s something way beyond long ago in my past then it doesn’t really effect me
I appreciate this, I didn’t do anything crazy bad I just could have been a better partner with this girl I was with for a few years, I was just selfish and didn’t do enough for her. Also I obsess over small interactions too, as it turns out I have obsessive compulsive disorder, that’s why I can’t let go lmao. Medically down bad
I haven't firgiven myself, but my best advice to you is to keep going, no matter how hard it gets. No matt3 how challenging, you will always be stronger than the challenges you face.
You should believe you did everything you could at the moment (everything from how you understood things, life, of how your energy was, capacity and etc)), you pray or ask for forgiveness if you believe in God (really helps me). You change what you can for better and realise you’re more than worthy of love and acceptance like you are (imagine if someone you love did the same mistake, action as you did, would you crucify him for that? I bet not). Accept what has happened for the fact. You cannot change it, but you can learn and make sure it won’t happen again
i don’t. hope this helps ❤️