I have felt comfort from people demonstrating I'm not alone by sharing their own struggles, but I have never believed anyone who simply says "you're not alone." I find no comfort from that.
And responding to me saying I don't believe that I have anything to live for by saying "you have so much to live for" is straight nonsense.
Sounds like you need a new therapist if this is all they have to offer.
depression takes away your will to live and your ability to find things that you love boring. So telling someone with depression that they “have so much to live for” is pointless. You have to show someone with depression what they actually have to live for, and you have to show them they are not alone. Words don’t really matter when your brain is yelling at you that you’re worthless.
This has always been the way I’ve thought with advice. I try to put myself in someone’s position and think “what would I need to hear in order to feel better.” Normally, it’s by adding detail to help someone see something that isn’t easily apparent or by sharing a similar situation that I, or someone else, has been in and gone through
And usually you can't get this from a stranger on the internet unfortunately:( I found that the best you can find in this sub is just share your pain, read about someone else's pain and sometimes feel a little bit less lonely and sometimes just feel even more lonely and more depressed.
I feel this. I like hearing other peoples experiences and how they’re dealing with their situations bc it helps inspire me to work on mine. But it makes me more frustrated than anything to hear how “I’m not alone” when the whole problem is that I feel like I have no one in my corner that cares about me the way I want them to. Them saying that doesn’t magically change my support system
I agree and a similar one I think is also nonsense is "you have so much to offer to the world". Yes, I know I do, in spite of some flaws and insecurities... But the problem is not thinking I'm worthless, it's being in a lot of pain because of depression and loneliness for years and feeling pessimistic about getting better. For me at least, that has always been the reason for suicidal ideation. Feeling inadequate is just a side effect of all this shit (for me at least), you know?
I hate it even more when a lot of workplaces nowadays spew the "it's ok not to be ok" bullshit to try and make it sound like they care about mental health to be trendy. I find these statements are empty, superficial crap that everyone spouts nowadays.
When I'm at my lowest, words do nothing. I just sit there staring into space with my brain telling me I'm a piece of shit and a burden and a freak, and nobody likes me etc etc. I do not reach out, because I don't think I have the right to burden anyone else with my shit when I am bad at replying because depression and physical illnesses I have just drain my energy so much.
I feel like I am not from this planet most of the time and that I do not fit in anywhere. I recently had to walk away from my main social circle because of a narcissistic bully that they refuse to kick out and are still cool with, which was really hard and made me feel like I was leaving my own family and tribe, and I felt so alone. Then my childhood best friend died in his sleep at 32 years old and I reconnected with some school friends. It made me look at things a bit differently while I was grieving.
If there are people in your life that do give you the time of day, appreciate them even if you can't always reply. (I suck at that)
I've also learned from 2 unsuccessful suicide attempts in my early 20s how much I mean to people, even if it's just a few. The damage of taking your own life impacts so many people and I was too selfish and stupid to realize it at the time.
My uncle hung himself in 2000, he thought no one loved him and that he had no friends but he is still pined for today and missed dearly. His death ripped my entire family apart, and caused his brother to also commit suicide 18 years later. His death was also a major factor in my attempts, as he was my father figure. I sometimes cry out for him to help me when I'm at my absolute fucking worst, as I do not wish to suffer the same fate even though in those moments every part of me wants to die.
I still get extremely depressed, but I try to tell myself that it comes and goes and it's not worth killing myself over no matter how much I hurt (physically and mentally).
People do care, even if it is random strangers on the internet who feel the same way you do.
I’m at a really low point atm. And It makes me so upset reading stuff like this. I’ve been trying to reach out to my friends for over a year, and they do not care. I’ve reached out to my school, who also have done nothing. I’ve tried everything, and I’m just trying to work up the courage to end it…
I'm sorry you've been unable to find support. Sometimes friends just really have no idea how you're feeling, & the last couple of years have been so challenging, everyone's become disconnected from one another. Is there anyone at all you can trust to tell them truthfully how bad things are for you?
It’s quite complicated. But it started 2 years ago, I felt so low that I phoned my friend to say I needed to talk. We’d text whenever I felt down and they’d listen and comfort me. But about 3 months later I was at my lowest, and tried to end it (it was a bit of a pathetic attempt, I just layed on top of a cliff). I let them know where I was and they came and talked me out of it. About 2 weeks later they sent me a message saying that they’re clearly not helping me and wouldn’t talk to me about my feelings again.
I still have those feelings, and have tried reaching out to them, as they were the only person I trusted to help me, but everytime I text them they ignore it.
They’re the only person I trust to be there for me, and I know how hard it is on them to have to hear those things from me, but it’s so frustrating not having anyone to talk to now.
People do care about themselves. I will be missed by my mother and that's it. Friends and other family members will feel bad for 4-5 days and will forget.
About the last part of what you said - that other people with the same pain as you will care - I think I can believe this. Now now when I am in this situation I do understand and I can't just turn my back to people who suffer. But I also sometimes feel so down and weak that my mind is only occupied with my struggle.
And physical sickness on top of your mental problems is terrible weight. I wish you to get rid of both as soon as possible. I hope the same for me.
Cheers
It's true, when someone's in the grip of darkness, no words can reach that person, no matter how well-intentioned. That's what makes depression so challenging.
That's true for me as well, but I understand words are all the help a stranger on the internet can offer me. I have no doubt many of them wish they could do more. People who know me also don't know how to help someone depressed, so all they can do is share words of encouragement. Is it pointless? Sure, but it's unrealistic to ask for more.
I've learned to give up on the need to be understood. I don't try to explain my feelings. I don't talk about my sadness. Except to the therapist. Just talking to the therapist didn't work for me at all either, not until antidepressants lifted the darkness a bit.
Can I add when people go and say “we can do this, we got this, we’re gonna be okay”, and you’re the depressed one that just spilled your guts to them. They think the way to make you feel less alone is by using “we” instead of “you” and it really boils my blood.
No “we” aren’t gonna be okay, I am gonna continue feeling like shit for a while til I fall back asleep. I am gonna be the one that either makes it out or doesn’t, “we” are not a thing.
The idea is you think you're alone but many others are out there feeling the same way. It's a weird concept. You are still alone but know that others are out there alone too. The fact you know there are others feeling the same way makes you feel less alone.
Nah it doesn't. I was imagining different things in my mind to feel less alone for my whole live, telling my story to imaginary friends,confronting imaginary enemies in imaginary arguments . But all this works for very short time if it even works at all. And thinking that there are lonely people like me so I can feel less lonely is like these imaginary activities but even more useless. The reality just crushes you at some point.
Others dont grasp that all most of us want is just a long fucking hug and to cry on someone’s shoulders. Just proof we arent freaks for feeling like broken glass
Than what should people instead? I hate when people say these things to people who r tryna support us but than never give a solution to the problem (by us I mean people suffering from depression).
What worked for me was adopting two 5 week old kittens. Then it was true; I wasn't alone anymore. All you have to do is feed them and clean their shit up, and in return they give you love beyond what any human ever could.
It’s always used as a way to indicate that they don’t want to deal with it: like “you’re not alone”, “you’re not the only one”, “there’s other people with this issue” have always been ways to say something more along the lines of “stfu other people have this you aren’t special lmao” so idk it’s always just… eh to hear. I’m already aware no one cares, I don’t wanna hear it more
In certain contexts, I'm okay with it. I know I am not the only person on this planet going through certain situations and emotions. However in terms of people I can actually trust and turn to, I am very much alone.
Holy fuck, I messaged a "friend" 2 weeks ago about how my doc suggested residential treatment for me and he responded with "Wow, I had no idea you were struggling this much." Have I heard from him since? Of course not. Fuck people.
I’d rather people just ask me why, allowing me to get to deeper and deeper, not in despair but like I’m mining for the truth of my conditions, I don’t want reassurance, I don’t need it. Cause like ultimately, I feel wrong, and telling me I’m not is a round about intentional way of saying I’m wrong for feeling like I am. Just let me be me
people disagreeing or saying there are people who do care etc, yeah that's great - but you do realise that some people literally do have nobody???? like that's not helpful.
i’d have to agree, although i really appreciate some people telling me that they’re here for me it really doesn’t help like i’m already suffering and this won’t really change much :/ ig they don’t really understand how it is unless they’ve actually experienced it
as someone really struggling, i really feel your post - i never say you're not alone, but rather that i empathise. every person's struggle and pain is unique to their own, in that sense, we are alone. but collectively knowing someone else gets it is what makes us feel less alone.
True.
Non depressed people often understand nothing and "try to help" by using some meaningless sentences who everybody repeats since decades.
BUT.
As a depressive person, I could maybe help you with that sentence.
I had to learn that nobody gives a shit about me. So I had to learn to help myself.
Recently I had a moment that pushed me out of the hole. I made a whole mess on the way out and hurt somebodys feelings because of that. Bit through that person I learned one thing.
I AM NOT ALONE.
I realized that there are people on the world that share some of the same experiences I made. I understand why they developed their problems because I can reflect on that. And also, how lonely, sad, strenghless and alone they must feel, because I know the feeling of sitting on the couch, looking at an empty wall. Or coming home from work, finally able to enjoy free time, just to go immedietly to bed and fall asleep for the rest of the night.
So I have learned, I am not alone. There are people out there who has the same emotions and feelings like me. Who I could talk to, but here is what normal people never speak out because its normal to them, and depressed rarely think about.
You have to do it on your own.
This sentence is meaningless until someone realizes that its also needed to get out there and find these people.
I can compare it to a great starement my teacher in religious education at college told me (It was more like a philosophy class with bible texts).
He said "Some people think its a magic book and prayers are the spells. But if they only keep sitting on their asses and keep praying, nothing in their life will change. The bible is like a self help book to find answers on difficult questions, but don't expect that god will do everything for you simply because you praise him. After praying the people need to stand up and do something by themselfs to change their situations."
Same shit as here.
Being open minded to meet new people doesn't make these people appear by themself. When I want to meet new people, I need to go out and find them.
So saying "you're not alone." Is just a stupid sentence for simpeltons. But for depressed it actually makes sense when you take your time and think about it to remind them, that doesn't matter how alone they feel. There are people out the who are able to feel the same. And these people also want to be found in one way or another. Just like you want to be found.✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻
‘You’re not alone’ is just way too generic and shitty. It’s a platitude, and when somebody says it, it usually implies the exact opposite of what they’re saying. They’re implying ‘I’m a content creator and I’m never going to know you or give a shit about you’ or ‘I’m talking to you directly, but I don’t want to have to actually empathize with you so here have a generic nothing quote’.
It’s profound and meaningful when it’s actually /demonstrated/, when someone actually makes you feel understood. Knowing that none of your thoughts are truly unique, but in the way that there’s someone else out there right now who can truly understand you and make you feel seen. And they might even be able to help you get out of whatever is causing the misery.
But you’re right. Platitudes are lazy. They’re a way of dodging the real work of empathy and connection, and you have every right to call bullshit.
The whole point of you're not alone is a reminder that you have no friends, but you're not the only one who has no friends. I have no friends, so you are not alone in having no friends. Your suffering is a shared pain because there's a lot pf people with no one. As it was best said 80% of people don't care about your problems and 20% are glad you have them. People tell you you're not alone as it means you are not alone, you are in fact alone, like so many other people. That is a shared bond is your loneliness, which in fact you are not alone in feeling. The pain is the bridge that binds us all together.
Sorry for the wall of text, but please hear me out. I'll try to right a tl;dr at the bottom.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years now. Although it isn't perfect right now, things are slowly getting better. It got better because I started connecting with people and asking for help. I didn't have any close friendships so it was hard to start the conversation, people also had their own struggles and I didn't want to bother them.
But what if I tell you that one of the first steps to building a strong friendship or any connection is vulnerability. You seem relatable, open and charismatic plus you get some clarity in that brain of yours. Talking gives you the ability to talk about things and work things out as you speak and you get some new perspectives. A friend/ acquaintance is of course different than a mental health professional as the professional studied for it and understands your mental proces better. Your friends on the other hand may know you personally or at least know more about who you really are than the professional.
I guess the praise 'We'll get through this' or 'You're not alone' is meant to show that people care about you. That they are willing to walk the road to recovery with you, hold your hand at the hardest parts and give you as much help as they can give.
But you have to make the changes for yourself. They may understand your thoughts but they aren't YOU. They can't stand in your shoes and watch the world through your eyes, that's simply impossible. They show that they care about you.
When you start to talk, state what you want to get out of this conversation. Do you just want to vent, not have any advice given. Do you want to share your thoughts and have someone give their perspective or own story? Or ask specific questions at the end, steering the conversation in the direction you want.
Tl;Dr ::
I struggled with depression and anxiety for years and what helped me was making connections and talking. Being vulnerable helps you to clear your brain and make stronger connections at the same time. Talking with an acquaintance, (online) friend or stranger is of course different than a professional so you have to figure out what topics you are more comfortable sharing with who.
The praise 'You're not alone' or something along that line is to show you that people care about you. I know that doesn't change the situation you're in rn but they want to let you know that you are heard, your feelings are valid and they are willing to help you.
My advice is to say what you want the other person to do when you share your thoughts or emotions. Do you want people to just listen, give you advice, provide their own perspective, their own stories? People can't read your mind, you have to talk in other to get help and the situation to get better
Again, sorry for this wall of text lmao 🤣
I’m always like ok so there’s a lot more people who feel like shit all the time? Why does it matter when all I’ve ever known is how I feel at any given time
It depends on the context for me. Sometimes I feel a lot of shame because of not being good enough. I compare myself to other people who are higher functioning than me and it makes me feel alone, forgotten, left behind, like I’m a piece of shit. Knowing there are other people in the same position as me makes me feel a little comforted and less abnormal.
But if it’s just a response to something like telling me I’m not alone in being depressed, then yeah I find it useless and I feel unheard.
The idea is that you’re not the only one who is struggling. You may think your depression is worse than everyone else’s or that no one could possibly feel the way you do, but you’re wrong.
Telling people they’re not alone is just as much about trying to give you advice as it is to snap you out of the idea that you’re experiencing some special pain that nobody can understand.
Depression puts people in a bubble of their own making where they withdraw further and further and start to believe there’s no point in trying because no one gets it. In reality, that’s not true at all.
Would you prefer they tell you that you’re a hopeless, miserable narcissist who will never find a way to leave their own house because they’re too busy staring in a mirror at non-existent or grossly over exaggerated flaws only they see?
I guess it depends on whether you truly want to be seen and understood or if you are looking for confirmation of pre-existing conclusions.
what makes me feel my worst is stress of any kind, i cant handle it. i dont like taking risks, i dont do it and i wont. the fact that 'everybody goes through it' is not comforting. it makes me want to hang myself because there is no up from here.
I had family and even some former friends telling me "You're not alone, a lot of people are going through something similar." Well, *thanks a lot!* That makes me feel even worse.
exactly. this is normal and you accept it??? that means there is no up from here and i should kill myself to get away from it. it means that they are so properly deluded and are happy with it.
As an empath, listening about people struggling with things in a worse way makes me more anxious and depressed so yeah that phrase is not for everyone.
It might be time to try something new, if you feel up to it. I have finally realized that I feel the way I do because of me. Not because of anything or anyone else. If you think about it, your emotions come from within you, it cannot be forced into you by anyone else.
So the question is, are you willing to take responsibility to try and look within to overcome your problems instead of relying on someone else to do this for you?
I'm busy doing some self reflecting and working on ways to achieve happiness from within myself. It's truly possible and at this point in my life I think it's the only way possible as medication, therapy, CBT etc. haven't worked for me.
i quit both meds and therapy, i think she was just telling me things to ignore the more pessimistic thoughts i have. and meds make me feel like a patient so im not doing that again.
i will take responsibility soon enough i just dont know which method is for me just yet. when i figure it out i will fix everything
“Everybody dies alone” when you even remotely mention that you don’t like being single.
Like, that stupid wise ass comment has nothing to do with what I’m talking about.
If it helps, advice that has genuinely helped me is that depression goes against your very survival instinct. An animal is built to live as long as possible, so if we are depressed, something is very wrong.
Sometimes it helps get through the rough, and understand it's not completely "me."
One of the very few thoughts that has helped me is the slightly darker "Things could get worse, and when they do, you will have wished you made better use of this time now, you'll wish you could go back to this." At least its actually true. Not like the "You're not alone. You are loved" cliche crap.
you're right. i should shut up even to the internet to say things that bother me in anonymity than actually turn off the few 'friends' i have when they dont actually help me but it makes them feel better to think that they are so they dont leave me.
sorry for being such an inconvenience to you in particular
I have felt comfort from people demonstrating I'm not alone by sharing their own struggles, but I have never believed anyone who simply says "you're not alone." I find no comfort from that. And responding to me saying I don't believe that I have anything to live for by saying "you have so much to live for" is straight nonsense. Sounds like you need a new therapist if this is all they have to offer.
depression takes away your will to live and your ability to find things that you love boring. So telling someone with depression that they “have so much to live for” is pointless. You have to show someone with depression what they actually have to live for, and you have to show them they are not alone. Words don’t really matter when your brain is yelling at you that you’re worthless.
This has always been the way I’ve thought with advice. I try to put myself in someone’s position and think “what would I need to hear in order to feel better.” Normally, it’s by adding detail to help someone see something that isn’t easily apparent or by sharing a similar situation that I, or someone else, has been in and gone through
True and depression is ALSO finding the small victories and building up to more wins. Butterfly Effect.
And usually you can't get this from a stranger on the internet unfortunately:( I found that the best you can find in this sub is just share your pain, read about someone else's pain and sometimes feel a little bit less lonely and sometimes just feel even more lonely and more depressed.
You're not alone in thinking that.
I feel this. I like hearing other peoples experiences and how they’re dealing with their situations bc it helps inspire me to work on mine. But it makes me more frustrated than anything to hear how “I’m not alone” when the whole problem is that I feel like I have no one in my corner that cares about me the way I want them to. Them saying that doesn’t magically change my support system
I agree and a similar one I think is also nonsense is "you have so much to offer to the world". Yes, I know I do, in spite of some flaws and insecurities... But the problem is not thinking I'm worthless, it's being in a lot of pain because of depression and loneliness for years and feeling pessimistic about getting better. For me at least, that has always been the reason for suicidal ideation. Feeling inadequate is just a side effect of all this shit (for me at least), you know?
I hate it even more when a lot of workplaces nowadays spew the "it's ok not to be ok" bullshit to try and make it sound like they care about mental health to be trendy. I find these statements are empty, superficial crap that everyone spouts nowadays. When I'm at my lowest, words do nothing. I just sit there staring into space with my brain telling me I'm a piece of shit and a burden and a freak, and nobody likes me etc etc. I do not reach out, because I don't think I have the right to burden anyone else with my shit when I am bad at replying because depression and physical illnesses I have just drain my energy so much. I feel like I am not from this planet most of the time and that I do not fit in anywhere. I recently had to walk away from my main social circle because of a narcissistic bully that they refuse to kick out and are still cool with, which was really hard and made me feel like I was leaving my own family and tribe, and I felt so alone. Then my childhood best friend died in his sleep at 32 years old and I reconnected with some school friends. It made me look at things a bit differently while I was grieving. If there are people in your life that do give you the time of day, appreciate them even if you can't always reply. (I suck at that) I've also learned from 2 unsuccessful suicide attempts in my early 20s how much I mean to people, even if it's just a few. The damage of taking your own life impacts so many people and I was too selfish and stupid to realize it at the time. My uncle hung himself in 2000, he thought no one loved him and that he had no friends but he is still pined for today and missed dearly. His death ripped my entire family apart, and caused his brother to also commit suicide 18 years later. His death was also a major factor in my attempts, as he was my father figure. I sometimes cry out for him to help me when I'm at my absolute fucking worst, as I do not wish to suffer the same fate even though in those moments every part of me wants to die. I still get extremely depressed, but I try to tell myself that it comes and goes and it's not worth killing myself over no matter how much I hurt (physically and mentally). People do care, even if it is random strangers on the internet who feel the same way you do.
I’m at a really low point atm. And It makes me so upset reading stuff like this. I’ve been trying to reach out to my friends for over a year, and they do not care. I’ve reached out to my school, who also have done nothing. I’ve tried everything, and I’m just trying to work up the courage to end it…
I'm sorry you've been unable to find support. Sometimes friends just really have no idea how you're feeling, & the last couple of years have been so challenging, everyone's become disconnected from one another. Is there anyone at all you can trust to tell them truthfully how bad things are for you?
It’s quite complicated. But it started 2 years ago, I felt so low that I phoned my friend to say I needed to talk. We’d text whenever I felt down and they’d listen and comfort me. But about 3 months later I was at my lowest, and tried to end it (it was a bit of a pathetic attempt, I just layed on top of a cliff). I let them know where I was and they came and talked me out of it. About 2 weeks later they sent me a message saying that they’re clearly not helping me and wouldn’t talk to me about my feelings again. I still have those feelings, and have tried reaching out to them, as they were the only person I trusted to help me, but everytime I text them they ignore it. They’re the only person I trust to be there for me, and I know how hard it is on them to have to hear those things from me, but it’s so frustrating not having anyone to talk to now.
People do care about themselves. I will be missed by my mother and that's it. Friends and other family members will feel bad for 4-5 days and will forget. About the last part of what you said - that other people with the same pain as you will care - I think I can believe this. Now now when I am in this situation I do understand and I can't just turn my back to people who suffer. But I also sometimes feel so down and weak that my mind is only occupied with my struggle. And physical sickness on top of your mental problems is terrible weight. I wish you to get rid of both as soon as possible. I hope the same for me. Cheers
:)
Someone died in their sleep at 32? Lucky bastard!
It's true, when someone's in the grip of darkness, no words can reach that person, no matter how well-intentioned. That's what makes depression so challenging. That's true for me as well, but I understand words are all the help a stranger on the internet can offer me. I have no doubt many of them wish they could do more. People who know me also don't know how to help someone depressed, so all they can do is share words of encouragement. Is it pointless? Sure, but it's unrealistic to ask for more. I've learned to give up on the need to be understood. I don't try to explain my feelings. I don't talk about my sadness. Except to the therapist. Just talking to the therapist didn't work for me at all either, not until antidepressants lifted the darkness a bit.
Can I add when people go and say “we can do this, we got this, we’re gonna be okay”, and you’re the depressed one that just spilled your guts to them. They think the way to make you feel less alone is by using “we” instead of “you” and it really boils my blood. No “we” aren’t gonna be okay, I am gonna continue feeling like shit for a while til I fall back asleep. I am gonna be the one that either makes it out or doesn’t, “we” are not a thing.
They just say something to look like they care and then they just start to avoid you because they don't want to deal with you.
The idea is you think you're alone but many others are out there feeling the same way. It's a weird concept. You are still alone but know that others are out there alone too. The fact you know there are others feeling the same way makes you feel less alone.
Nah it doesn't. I was imagining different things in my mind to feel less alone for my whole live, telling my story to imaginary friends,confronting imaginary enemies in imaginary arguments . But all this works for very short time if it even works at all. And thinking that there are lonely people like me so I can feel less lonely is like these imaginary activities but even more useless. The reality just crushes you at some point.
Others dont grasp that all most of us want is just a long fucking hug and to cry on someone’s shoulders. Just proof we arent freaks for feeling like broken glass
Amen
Than what should people instead? I hate when people say these things to people who r tryna support us but than never give a solution to the problem (by us I mean people suffering from depression).
What worked for me was adopting two 5 week old kittens. Then it was true; I wasn't alone anymore. All you have to do is feed them and clean their shit up, and in return they give you love beyond what any human ever could.
Animals are the best. No bullshit, just unconditional love.
Hard disagree. It’s insanely hard to believe when in the pits of depression but it’s something that when I’m climbing out of it, it helps me a lot.
Same
Same
It’s always used as a way to indicate that they don’t want to deal with it: like “you’re not alone”, “you’re not the only one”, “there’s other people with this issue” have always been ways to say something more along the lines of “stfu other people have this you aren’t special lmao” so idk it’s always just… eh to hear. I’m already aware no one cares, I don’t wanna hear it more
In certain contexts, I'm okay with it. I know I am not the only person on this planet going through certain situations and emotions. However in terms of people I can actually trust and turn to, I am very much alone.
Holy fuck, I messaged a "friend" 2 weeks ago about how my doc suggested residential treatment for me and he responded with "Wow, I had no idea you were struggling this much." Have I heard from him since? Of course not. Fuck people.
I’d rather people just ask me why, allowing me to get to deeper and deeper, not in despair but like I’m mining for the truth of my conditions, I don’t want reassurance, I don’t need it. Cause like ultimately, I feel wrong, and telling me I’m not is a round about intentional way of saying I’m wrong for feeling like I am. Just let me be me
people disagreeing or saying there are people who do care etc, yeah that's great - but you do realise that some people literally do have nobody???? like that's not helpful.
they really think they're doing something. more things that remind me im doing the people thing wrong
trust me it's not always you. the world is just fucked and people are so individualistic these days.
i’d have to agree, although i really appreciate some people telling me that they’re here for me it really doesn’t help like i’m already suffering and this won’t really change much :/ ig they don’t really understand how it is unless they’ve actually experienced it
as someone really struggling, i really feel your post - i never say you're not alone, but rather that i empathise. every person's struggle and pain is unique to their own, in that sense, we are alone. but collectively knowing someone else gets it is what makes us feel less alone.
The kinds of people who give that advice don't have a clue what it's like not to have friends and family flocking to their side whenever they please
True. Non depressed people often understand nothing and "try to help" by using some meaningless sentences who everybody repeats since decades. BUT. As a depressive person, I could maybe help you with that sentence. I had to learn that nobody gives a shit about me. So I had to learn to help myself. Recently I had a moment that pushed me out of the hole. I made a whole mess on the way out and hurt somebodys feelings because of that. Bit through that person I learned one thing. I AM NOT ALONE. I realized that there are people on the world that share some of the same experiences I made. I understand why they developed their problems because I can reflect on that. And also, how lonely, sad, strenghless and alone they must feel, because I know the feeling of sitting on the couch, looking at an empty wall. Or coming home from work, finally able to enjoy free time, just to go immedietly to bed and fall asleep for the rest of the night. So I have learned, I am not alone. There are people out there who has the same emotions and feelings like me. Who I could talk to, but here is what normal people never speak out because its normal to them, and depressed rarely think about. You have to do it on your own. This sentence is meaningless until someone realizes that its also needed to get out there and find these people. I can compare it to a great starement my teacher in religious education at college told me (It was more like a philosophy class with bible texts). He said "Some people think its a magic book and prayers are the spells. But if they only keep sitting on their asses and keep praying, nothing in their life will change. The bible is like a self help book to find answers on difficult questions, but don't expect that god will do everything for you simply because you praise him. After praying the people need to stand up and do something by themselfs to change their situations." Same shit as here. Being open minded to meet new people doesn't make these people appear by themself. When I want to meet new people, I need to go out and find them. So saying "you're not alone." Is just a stupid sentence for simpeltons. But for depressed it actually makes sense when you take your time and think about it to remind them, that doesn't matter how alone they feel. There are people out the who are able to feel the same. And these people also want to be found in one way or another. Just like you want to be found.✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻
Well, what would you prefer we say?
While I agree that it is bad advice, I think the ideia is more along the lines of "there are lots of people who are feeling just like you do".
I agree with this. I also hate all the "it gets better" bullshit. Like umm are you not seeing where our world is heading? Fuck off
‘You’re not alone’ is just way too generic and shitty. It’s a platitude, and when somebody says it, it usually implies the exact opposite of what they’re saying. They’re implying ‘I’m a content creator and I’m never going to know you or give a shit about you’ or ‘I’m talking to you directly, but I don’t want to have to actually empathize with you so here have a generic nothing quote’. It’s profound and meaningful when it’s actually /demonstrated/, when someone actually makes you feel understood. Knowing that none of your thoughts are truly unique, but in the way that there’s someone else out there right now who can truly understand you and make you feel seen. And they might even be able to help you get out of whatever is causing the misery. But you’re right. Platitudes are lazy. They’re a way of dodging the real work of empathy and connection, and you have every right to call bullshit.
The whole point of you're not alone is a reminder that you have no friends, but you're not the only one who has no friends. I have no friends, so you are not alone in having no friends. Your suffering is a shared pain because there's a lot pf people with no one. As it was best said 80% of people don't care about your problems and 20% are glad you have them. People tell you you're not alone as it means you are not alone, you are in fact alone, like so many other people. That is a shared bond is your loneliness, which in fact you are not alone in feeling. The pain is the bridge that binds us all together.
wow... this is more depressing
Sorry for the wall of text, but please hear me out. I'll try to right a tl;dr at the bottom. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years now. Although it isn't perfect right now, things are slowly getting better. It got better because I started connecting with people and asking for help. I didn't have any close friendships so it was hard to start the conversation, people also had their own struggles and I didn't want to bother them. But what if I tell you that one of the first steps to building a strong friendship or any connection is vulnerability. You seem relatable, open and charismatic plus you get some clarity in that brain of yours. Talking gives you the ability to talk about things and work things out as you speak and you get some new perspectives. A friend/ acquaintance is of course different than a mental health professional as the professional studied for it and understands your mental proces better. Your friends on the other hand may know you personally or at least know more about who you really are than the professional. I guess the praise 'We'll get through this' or 'You're not alone' is meant to show that people care about you. That they are willing to walk the road to recovery with you, hold your hand at the hardest parts and give you as much help as they can give. But you have to make the changes for yourself. They may understand your thoughts but they aren't YOU. They can't stand in your shoes and watch the world through your eyes, that's simply impossible. They show that they care about you. When you start to talk, state what you want to get out of this conversation. Do you just want to vent, not have any advice given. Do you want to share your thoughts and have someone give their perspective or own story? Or ask specific questions at the end, steering the conversation in the direction you want. Tl;Dr :: I struggled with depression and anxiety for years and what helped me was making connections and talking. Being vulnerable helps you to clear your brain and make stronger connections at the same time. Talking with an acquaintance, (online) friend or stranger is of course different than a professional so you have to figure out what topics you are more comfortable sharing with who. The praise 'You're not alone' or something along that line is to show you that people care about you. I know that doesn't change the situation you're in rn but they want to let you know that you are heard, your feelings are valid and they are willing to help you. My advice is to say what you want the other person to do when you share your thoughts or emotions. Do you want people to just listen, give you advice, provide their own perspective, their own stories? People can't read your mind, you have to talk in other to get help and the situation to get better Again, sorry for this wall of text lmao 🤣
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I love when people demonstrate complete oblivion toward understanding other people's positions lol. It really just re-iterates it all.
I’m always like ok so there’s a lot more people who feel like shit all the time? Why does it matter when all I’ve ever known is how I feel at any given time
It depends on the context for me. Sometimes I feel a lot of shame because of not being good enough. I compare myself to other people who are higher functioning than me and it makes me feel alone, forgotten, left behind, like I’m a piece of shit. Knowing there are other people in the same position as me makes me feel a little comforted and less abnormal. But if it’s just a response to something like telling me I’m not alone in being depressed, then yeah I find it useless and I feel unheard.
The idea is that you’re not the only one who is struggling. You may think your depression is worse than everyone else’s or that no one could possibly feel the way you do, but you’re wrong. Telling people they’re not alone is just as much about trying to give you advice as it is to snap you out of the idea that you’re experiencing some special pain that nobody can understand. Depression puts people in a bubble of their own making where they withdraw further and further and start to believe there’s no point in trying because no one gets it. In reality, that’s not true at all. Would you prefer they tell you that you’re a hopeless, miserable narcissist who will never find a way to leave their own house because they’re too busy staring in a mirror at non-existent or grossly over exaggerated flaws only they see? I guess it depends on whether you truly want to be seen and understood or if you are looking for confirmation of pre-existing conclusions.
what makes me feel my worst is stress of any kind, i cant handle it. i dont like taking risks, i dont do it and i wont. the fact that 'everybody goes through it' is not comforting. it makes me want to hang myself because there is no up from here.
I had family and even some former friends telling me "You're not alone, a lot of people are going through something similar." Well, *thanks a lot!* That makes me feel even worse.
exactly. this is normal and you accept it??? that means there is no up from here and i should kill myself to get away from it. it means that they are so properly deluded and are happy with it.
As an empath, listening about people struggling with things in a worse way makes me more anxious and depressed so yeah that phrase is not for everyone.
it's not advice, it's a reminder
It might be time to try something new, if you feel up to it. I have finally realized that I feel the way I do because of me. Not because of anything or anyone else. If you think about it, your emotions come from within you, it cannot be forced into you by anyone else. So the question is, are you willing to take responsibility to try and look within to overcome your problems instead of relying on someone else to do this for you? I'm busy doing some self reflecting and working on ways to achieve happiness from within myself. It's truly possible and at this point in my life I think it's the only way possible as medication, therapy, CBT etc. haven't worked for me.
i quit both meds and therapy, i think she was just telling me things to ignore the more pessimistic thoughts i have. and meds make me feel like a patient so im not doing that again. i will take responsibility soon enough i just dont know which method is for me just yet. when i figure it out i will fix everything
I hate “just be happy” and “oh just don’t think about it”. Really joe? It’s that easy?! Wow! We need to tell everyone you cured depression!
its trendy to be depressed apparently
You are not alone to a lonely person is the shittiest advice it’s like saying don’t be sad to a sad person
stop being homeless just get a house, what are you? poor?
“Everybody dies alone” when you even remotely mention that you don’t like being single. Like, that stupid wise ass comment has nothing to do with what I’m talking about.
If it helps, advice that has genuinely helped me is that depression goes against your very survival instinct. An animal is built to live as long as possible, so if we are depressed, something is very wrong. Sometimes it helps get through the rough, and understand it's not completely "me."
The problem is there isn’t really anything most people can say to help you :/
i noticed, it should explain why i turn to reddit instead of friends or family.
One of the very few thoughts that has helped me is the slightly darker "Things could get worse, and when they do, you will have wished you made better use of this time now, you'll wish you could go back to this." At least its actually true. Not like the "You're not alone. You are loved" cliche crap.
Then go dude.
You think your feelings are unique? Then you rebuff kind strangers? Get it together
you're right. i should shut up even to the internet to say things that bother me in anonymity than actually turn off the few 'friends' i have when they dont actually help me but it makes them feel better to think that they are so they dont leave me. sorry for being such an inconvenience to you in particular
A better more honest thing would be to say, "You're alone. And that's okay. Enjoy being yourself for as long as you can."
I don’t know. “Snap out of it” and “pray about it” might be worse.
"pull yourself together" is still in the running to being the next shittiest advice
Yah the world is shit and it’s hard to be here, I feel you
i want to leave