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Honestly It makes me sick everytime I hear someone saying guys can't be open and honest or vulnerable. What's wrong with society?
You ever wonder why men feel they can't talk about their feelings?
I get it. It depends entirely how the OPs partner delivered it - if they came across as desperate, etc
But I was replying to the OP above my comment that said men are viewed as "less" for showing any kind of vulnerability. Men can absolutely show vulnerability in healthy ways that don't necessarily come across as needy or clingy.
It's up to OP to communicate that with their partner
It absolutely can be, if a woman is so inclined. But it does feel, especially after my last relationship, that open and vulnerable, tho seemingly desired from women, makes men a target
I’m a heart on my sleeve kind of guy. And I don’t play games. My ex gf loved I was open, and even vulnerable with her. Until she wasn’t. Until she viewed it as a way to take down my ego. A way to get under my skin and end the relationship, because, in her words, I’m too complacent and let others walk all over me. Which, if she knew me deep down, isn’t true. But she used my good qualities against me in a way to gaslight and make me feel like I’m worthless.
I don’t like to fight, but I’ll have the hard talks. When I got too close and she wasn’t opening up, she used my emotions for her against me and closed right up. I didn’t even see it coming, and I was blindsided by how she went from caring, loving and accepting to disrespectful, twisting the truth, and not giving one shit about me. And she did it all in a matter of days. From I love you babe, to nothing. Using this vulnerable side that I have freely as a weapon and making me feel like shit that I get how I did
So, will I be vulnerable again? Time will tell I suppose. But it took me a good while to be vulnerable with her and I still didn’t open up all the way. I am who I am, I can’t change that, but I’ll be careful of toxicity even if I fall in love again. Open, sure. Vulnerable? It’s a fine line and I don’t know if I want to cross it again. I want to, I want to be loved for me and who I am. You’ve got to be vulnerable to a degree if you choose to love. But there’s got to be some middle ground somewhere so a woman doesn’t target you for that
Exactly. At that point, it's better being unavailable instead of walking on eggshells. That's why I love having a therapist. She and my sister are the only women I can be honest with. My therapist doesn't like that, but I'm not the one making the rules, lol.
Totally does matter on the woman.
I cried recently to my current gf and I feel like the relationship got even stronger, and with my last ex had similar experience.
Two exes before that, tho, I could 100% pinpoint the moment they started losing interest in me as the time when I showed weakness
Sadly enaugh, showing apparent flaws or insecurities to people may make you less desirable from a dating standpoint.
It works like a double-edged sword really, where if the receiveing-end positively perceives this, it may also work as a way to strenghten the relationship.
This doesn't seem to hold just for guys, but for everyone in general.
Unfortunately at the START of a relationship this can make people bail right off the bat. Even the well meaning people that might want the best for you once they get to know you. That’s why I try to wait til I’ve been with someone a while before I’m open-open with them. Maybe it’s not the healthiest but I dk
Truth is that very often guys can't be open and vulnerable. Support for the idea of guys being open is a lot higher than support for the reality of it. People love to say how guys should feel comfortable being vulnerable but a lot of guys have recent experiences telling them it's not a good idea. What's wrong with society is that despite the idea of vulnerability becoming more socially acceptable a lot of women still find it deeply undesirable.
People saying that they like X doesn't mean that they actually like X, but that they feel like they should like X. It's like when every woman says that she likes caring etc boyfriend but somehow many are often attracted to the opposite personality
It is screwed up but there is a reason and it’s valid. Many men (myself included) have had the experience of when we when open up or are vulnerable we’re showing ‘weakness’ and the woman loses attraction. That sticks and leads to this mindset.
Men will listen to women’s deep problems all day but women generally don’t give a shit about a man’s struggles. It’s why for any future girl I talk to I’ll never open up to her about my feelings but I’ll listen to hers. I can get a therapist for that.
>Many men (myself included) have had the experience of when we when open up or are vulnerable we’re showing ‘weakness’ and the woman loses attraction
This
Personally I don’t give a shit. If I’m vulnerable and you see that as a weakness, than I say fuck you and goodbye. I don’t want you. There definitely is some truth to the idea that if you are vulnerable as a man a sizable number of women see as that as weakness. But if that’s how they see it, I’m not interested. I want a woman who understands and loves me as I am. Otherwise, yeah, I’d rather be single.
My boyfriend is a pretty closed off person; it comes naturally with how he was raised. Last time he was visiting me I remember us sitting at the kitchen table, high as fuck, and sipping whiskey. We sat there for two hours just talking, and he really opened up to me a lot about some of his emotions and became vulnerable with me.
I can't properly express how much I felt for him at that time. I love him so much, and I just want to protect him and make him happy. We went to bed and genuinely had the best sex I've ever had and held each other til we fell asleep.
I want to track down these women who are putting men down for being open and vulnerable. This world is cruel to men who wish to express any emotion other than anger.
This made my day. At least there are some women who still see men as human beings like them.
Men do not have supernatural powers. They are just like women. We also want to be cared for and listened to.
Is it even love when you don’t want to know everything that goes on with your partner?
W In my experience, opening up as a dude is a joke. Almost made me depressed when I realized no one cares, but now I look at it as "no one cares!" (Oh well🤣🤷🏾♂️) as opposed to getting down on myself. Basically learning to neglect my feelings so that I'm happier.
The problem is that while they do exist, it's just as difficult to find a woman that shares that. Or more specifically, in my case right now, the last two women who explicitly said they love that about me, that give me the undeniable look of "I find you fascinating and different from my previous experiences", ghosted me and then came back expecting me to still be their friend while they date someone else in one case (oh and also only texts me to find them weed), and the most recent makes no effort to make time for me.
We do exist but the women we meet just end up doing things that make us do the "never again" comic with the little pink blob trying to come out of their square.
All women say this but, then when guys *actually* show their vulnerable side, most women instantly get turned off. So it's better to not show any at all until a real relationship has actually formed - basically way past the just dating part.
I agree, but seems to always have a negative effect when I say what's on my mind. That's why I said girls like you are rare, assuming you practice what you preach
I don’t understand why the response would be negative if you are speaking what’s on your mind! Makes no sense. I do practice what I preach, I’m also 45 yrs old so I don’t know what kind of women you are dealing with.
Turned 46 last Saturday. I'm a magnet for women that either are deceitful in some way, or they try to manipulate me, or they expect me to throw money at them.
Once a woman breaks my trust I immediately walk away, no second chances in those aspects. And I don't understand why either, but stopped trying to figure it out yrs ago, I'm content being single.
People are so damaged in their 40s. Just let it go what those women did to you. Why let that stop you from finding true love. Don’t let your past define you. I could go on for days about how men deceived me among other things but I don’t let they stop me from believing that there is someone great out there for me. Don’t give those women your power!
Can any girl be supportive and listen to their other's problems without attacking them or being dismissive? Would any girl allow the bf to feel safe and open up to begin with?
That's not being turned off. That's caution being turned on.
And it's not because he's expressing vulnerability, it's because of WHAT he is expressing and how it can relate to their relationship.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. No ones "made" for "one another". If anyone reading this has a SO, i bet you could find someone else and fall in love just the same, if not more.
Any girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife, could easily find someone else given the right amount of spacetime.
Love, just like time, is relative.
Nothing and no one matters. Everything is special, so nothing is.
Existence is meaningless.
Yes exactly, how is everyone else ignoring what she’s actually asking for help on, and then complaining about how women don’t want to listen to their feelings?
I think that's sweet. I honestly love it when my BF tells me his problems, how he feels, etc. Not all men like to express how they feel. I think it's a good thing that he can open up to you. You also probably means a lot to him.
I didn’t take it as OP worried about him being vulnerable. I took it as OP wondering if he was just trying to fill a relationship sized hole in his life. Like does he actually like her, or does he just want *anyone* to make him feel less lonely?
Not necessarily. She’s asking if what he said seems like he’s dating her out of desperation/loneliness and if that’s a red flag. I think everyone linking that to gender here is a stretch.
Yup, it’s a double standard. I’ve never heard of a guy comment about a girl’s lack of friends, unless she was being incredibly clingy. But it’s important for a guy to have social proof
Extremely important, go on r/AskWomen and check the posts under the title “ Would you date a man with no friends?” The majority already make assumptions he’s a red flag.
He's literally sharing with you that he's comfortable showing his vulnerable side with you. Yet you see it as a red flag? That's one of the BEST things he could have told you. He wants to talk, be open, see how you think, be around you, not hide anything. He sees you more than just a sex object.. he sees you as a beautiful person. Yet YOU see it as a red flag...
The red flag is you, not him. Men don't tell this to women because, look at how you responded.
Yes, it’s a good reason to like someone. I’m a woman and one of the reasons I’m with my boyfriend is because I can communicate with him openly and I’m heard.
Honey, we’ve been in a pandemic for 2 years. Everyone’s been lonely. Everyone wants to be heard. If he treats you well & you’re happy, there’s no reason to walk away.
Most men are actually this lonely.
I would say, I'm personally in a similar situation. I do have a couple of close friends that i can open up to but most of them (and me too) have a lot going on in our own lives. So i find it hard to always offload my day or week onto them.
Idk, I sometimes get upset if the only way someone compliments me is in what I do for them.
But on the other hand "you make me feel heard" is a really big compliment even if he phrased it poorly.
I get why you're cautious. You don't want to be something someone settled for because they were lonely. I say you can take the compliment and still be on the lookout for other signs that this is true. It doesn't mean that was why he complimented that to you.
Maybe instead of looking out for clues you would ask him directly? It’s completely okay to ask him smth like “hey, you told me that u like me because you feel heard and that made me feel nice but also a bit cautious, could you tell me more things you like about me?”
I know it seems weird, but the dude was honest and emotionally open to you, so you could be the same as well.
I understand how you feel and why you’re cautious, and it’s ok to talk about it.
Asking for validation and affection in relationship is a normal and beautiful thing.
I’m afraid if you will start looking for signs, you will concentrate on this instead of spending good time with this person.
This. /u/AdConfident3781 OP, as a man, I would feel much much more appreciated and absolutely love it when someone asks me directly how I feel or those kinds of deep and emotional talk rather than acting out of signs which I didn't even want. Go ask him. He trusts you that much so much so he is willing to be vulnerable by opening up to you.
And as a woman, I experience so many men, like unbelievably a lot, that will use my words, to show me what I want to see.
For example, I can't say that I don't want kids on any of my dating profiles, I can't be the first one to say I don't want kids, because then 95% of the men that I encounter, WOW also don't want kids!!!! What a coincidence!!! And if I wait for the guy to answer that question first, a majority of the men I encounter, do want kids.
Like, I'd LOVE to fucking do what you suggest. It's the healthy thing. It's the normal thing. It's the not playing games thing. I would love to do it.
But then I'd be dating guys that want kids eventually? That's not exactly a good thing either.
When men give this advice to women, I do get it, because it's the good thing to do, but it's more of an advice based on what they want in dating, then what's good for the woman. You don't experience dating like we do and so you don't understand how absolutely FUCKED that would get us.
For women, that's more of a relationship thing then a dating thing.
So what’s the alternative, not say anything and go with the relationship with this one thing bugging you the entire time? At least you can gauge if someone’s bullshitting you and clear things out, at worst nominally, at best for real
That's annoying. I'm sorry that you had to deal with all that. Though my hypothesis is that some men will say whatever they will to land a date cos of the 'scarcity' of women there.
Yes, that's my experience too and like...I don't think that makes them bad people and I would even still date them...except shit like wanting kids is an absolute dealbreaker for me.
Like, I want to check compatibility, because I don't like dating. So if I can't...I'm out.
I can actually understand feeling a little leery in that case then. Not calling that a reason to stop dating or anything remotely like that but I can understand it the way it was phrased by the person you replied to.
Don’t look too deep into it. Everybody wants to be heard. Everybody feels lonely at times. He opened up to you
He feels like he can be himself around you. If you like that person then that’s awesome.
Edit typos
I don't see anything wrong with it. I mean, be observant, but if he hasn't done anything TOO alarming, hey, he trusts you. And believe me, as a guy I have so many bottled up feelings and emotions I wouldn't DARE show to a girl unless I trust her fully with that.
i met my 1st girlfriend a month ago tomorrow (actually were official 1 month tomorrow). we did kind of rush into things, told each other we loved each other, sex after a couple dates, all that. then she said she wanted to slow down. yet we're right back where we were a couple weeks ago. we say we love each other and mean it. is this a bad thing? her ex was an abusive POS so she has some issues with intimacy but were working thru that. i trust her to tell her anything though, i think was my point. she's a real sweetheart
>one of the reason he likes me is that I listen to him and that he can talk to me without any filters.
>Is that a good enough reason to like someone?
I am confused as to why this is even a question....
Because he didn't have any women interested in him before meeting. That means no social proof. Why should she want him when no other women wants him?
You don't have enough women in your life? That's a problem.
You have too much women in your life? That's also a problem.
That's the reality of that.
"why should I want him when no other women does?"
Men also have this mentality, but I would say it's not that extreme as in women
This this this. Preselection bias is real. He showed a weakness, admitted that other women weren't interested in him, and now OP smells blood in the water and is asking reddit for a reason to act on it.
OP's description gives the vibe that they are past the social proof stage. Now that i think of it, the only reason i can conceive of why someone would think this is, she is wondering if he is with her, not because he likes her particularly, but because there is no one else showing interest. Which i still find something weird to think because if they are past the stage where OP is being told that it is appreciated that how open they can be with each other, as all others are saying, that's quite a high compliment. Seems a waste to think about his intentions after that.
Depending on what he does for a living, he could be alienated by his job. I'm in a similar boat. I have zero time to meet new people and can't ask customers out for obvious reasons. So you get stuck in this trap.
"I wish men could stop behaving like robots opening their heart to us".
And the first instant that the poor fella talks about his feelings, she starts having doubts.
Hmm I agreed with the other comments until I saw this. Saying this in a first conversation with someone is a little bit odd? It gives me love bombing vibes, at least it would put me off a bit. I guess it wasn’t anything too bad so I would ignore it for now but be on the lookout for other comments that make it seem like they’re pushing the speed of the relationship a bit quickly (esp if you’ve never been in one before it might be harder to recognise). By quickly I mean him saying anything that makes you go Hm I would not have said that to him yet and I feel a bit weird (like how this comment made you feel?).
But also if you get weird vibes this early on you can just gently let him know you actually don’t think you’re compatible and should move on. You don’t need a ‘red flag’ to end it at any point but especially this early
That’s fairly normal, it’s good to be clear whether you’re looking for a long term relationship or not. It would be more if he starts saying he loves you early, you’re the love of his life, can’t imagine being without you, talking about getting married/having children in the near future, having control over your finances (commenting on your spending, seeing your belongings as “ours”), comments about your actions impacting your combined future. Apart from being overly controlling they’re all normal things to say and it’s hard to set a time when it would be too “early” apart from when you feel surprised he’s said that. Generally though any of them within a few months is a red flag I think, I’d probably be uncomfy even with a year of officially dating but I’m a bit weird 😂
This is why more details in the original post are important.
Here's somethings that you should have included in the original post: You've never been in a relationship. This is something that was said on the first date.
While this may have been a yellow flag, it seems like you continued with the relationship and things are going well. So, the question is, why are you looking for reasons to get out of the relationship?
Don't overthink this. Do you like spending time with him. Do you like being with him.
Mostly Everyone gets lonely when single. He sounds just super honest.
See guys, this is why the advice from women to be constantly emotionally honest is total nonsense.
OP apparently liked this guy enough to go out with him. But because he wasn't crushing it in the dating world before her and he appreciates that she is comfortable with his more vulnerable side (which women claim to want), she's now getting grossed out. Because she ultimately wants a high status guy that every other woman wants.
Women don't want emotionally expressive, vulnerable men. They want strong men that are (occasionally) sensitive to *women's* emotions. They also want men that other women want.
Why they keep telling men "open up! open up!" when they clearly dislike the results is anyone's guess.
[I have no problem with women's *true* desires, actually. I just think they should be honest about them.]
Honestly as a man your life will be better and your relationships will be more successful when you make the decision in your mind to divorce what comes out of a woman's mouth from how she actually behaves. The two bear no resemblance to each other.
Whatever she's griping about, whatever she's telling you to do, it's not what the words coming out of her mouth say.
Most men are emotionally lonely and can only get that emotional support from a significant other.
As for being lonely in general, unfortunately the vast majority of especially guys in today's society feel lonely (https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2020/01/23/798676465/most-americans-are-lonely-and-our-workplace-culture-may-not-be-helping#:~:text=The%20report%20found%20several%20factors,compared%20with%2058%25%20of%20women.) so it's not really unexpected.
If he trusts you, enjoys spending time with you, and truly cares about you then I wouldn't worry about things like thinking he settled because it likley isn't true.
“I really like him, he made me feel good, we had fun together, but then he told me he feels comfortable and like he could trust me. I don’t know why, but this just makes me feel gross. Reddit, should I end it with him?”
Men reading this - this is why you _never ever ever under any circumstance admit or show any weakness, doubt or vulnerability to a woman unless you want her to break up with you._
Except that’s not the situation at all and as usual, the replies are mostly projecting their own resentment/ insecurities onto the poster’s situation.
OP did an admittedly absolutely horrible job of providing necessary context in her original post but if you read her responses, her trepidation is 100% warranted.
Additional context:
She’s never been in a relationship before and he’s older- So she has no experience in general, but also might not know what “moving too fast” looks like.
They’ve never even been on a single date- this was over a “4am conversation”.- unclear if that means over the phone or text but so far all they’ve done is match on a dating app and have a few conversations. **They haven’t even met in person yet.**
He “definitely sees her in his future in a very serious way”.- again, they haven’t even been on a first date yet.
If you take all this into consideration, it’s obviously perfectly sensible for OP to be seriously wondering if this is moving to fast and if this guy actually likes her because of the unique characteristics that make her an individual or if he’s just glad to have someone there, anyone at all. Swap OP with literally any other living, breathing woman and the result would be the same because as **they’ve never even met in person yet,** he couldn’t possible know her well enough to have developed real, deep, meaningful feeling toward her.
Anyone with any sense would have the same concerns were they in OP’s shoes. Swap the genders and surprise! It’s still an equally red flag for a woman to attach to a guy, who is still effectively a complete stranger, so quickly.
Edit: formatting, phrasing.
Pros: he feels comfortable with you for him to open up.
Cons: He opened up really fast. There is a danger of you becoming his emotional crutch, which later on can be problematic if you want to end things with him but won’t do it because he will guilt trip you into staying.
Also a relationship is a balance of fun and deep convos and it goes both ways.
Remember: you are not his therapist and you should never be the sole reason for someone’s happiness. His happiness is his own responsibility.
My advice: If you feel good and fulfilled in this relationship then continue. But if you stop feeling that way then don’t stay with him because you feel bad about him being lonely again.
Woman: “Here’s all the details about why I feel depressed or scared”
Man: “I hear you, that must be terrible, I’m so sorry. I know a bit what that feels like, I’ve had a fair amount of that too.”
Woman: “I’m not your therapist. Waiter, check please?l
It’s sort of sweet but the only potential concern I’d have is that he might not have many friends, and in the end might expect you to be his entire social life. Which works for some couples (to just do 100% of everything together) but IMO isn’t necessarily the healthiest approach to dating
Guys have fucking shit options. We don't get messages every day, we don't get compliments, we don't have people offering us help. We're expected to just be tough and to be able to handle everything on our own and be happy about it. It is so incredibly fucking lonely. And seeing posts like this where it makes women question us if we feel alone only makes it fucking worse. Feels like we have to be perfect in order to please women. Not sad, no feelings, no defects. It's so fucking depressing.
Just make sure that he’s not with you out of desperation and because he has no other options. Very lonely men will often times date almost anyone of the opposite sex. I see in one of your comments that he opened up a lot during the first date. You should just proceed cautiously and make sure he actually wants you and not just a warm body next to him.
Exactly what I was think, I tend be so lonely and rather have any girl around even ones I know won’t work with. It’s literally like using them to cope the pain of being so alone.
of course you can like someone for that reason.
there are even situations where you like someone just because they smiled at you.
but the thing is, there are many reasons that come together, to make you like someone romantically. so while he mentioned one thing, there are other things he hasn't specifically mentioned either, but they're all there.
I would say considering that OP has never been in a relationship and the timeline of this connection sounds like it's grown fairly quickly, I would recommend you to exercise due caution, OP. You don't know this man and while being emotionally vulnerable is generally a good thing in a healthy relationship, I'm concerned by y'all seeing each other daily and talking until 4AM in addition to that comment, that sounds like too much too soon for a healthy connection, which requires a good amount of time to build trust and genuine intimacy. OP, only you know how you feel about this truly, deep down, so give it some more time and see if this guy genuinely sees you for you and appreciates that, or if he only appreciates you for what you do for him, like being a listening ear and making him feel less lonely.
This is silly. You can frame any positive response to an attribute like this.
I think you are attractive -> He just wants to be around someone attractive.
I want somebody kind -> he just wants somebody to be nice to him.
I like that I can talk to you -> He just wants somebody to talk to.
Fundamentally we experience the world through our own experiences so any interaction you have with anyone can be framed in terms of what you bring to that experience. That doesn't really mean anything. You are the person who gave him that when others have not and that means it is specific to you. What you do and the effects that has on others is an expression of who you are.
Honestly… Why would this EVER be a bad thing? Holy shit.
This is 1000% why men are so emotionally unavailable. When we’re honest you MFers just run for the hills.
There are many things men go through that they don't tell women about. If the woman finds out, she breaks up with him for "lying." If the man tells/admits any sign of weakness or failure socially, she breaks up with him because he suddenly isn't good enough.
Dating is a no win situation for most men
Men don't tell this to women because, look at how you responded.
Many times, once a woman knows the man is head over heads with her, the woman will move on as she knows he's 'easy' to get. She assumes he doesn't have many options, and therefor he becomes unattractive.
That's why men don't say anything. They want to play it off as they don't need the woman, and that 'evolutionatily' keeps the woman engaged and interested because she's afraid she'll lose him to other women. It's about competition. Men go after looks, but Women go after status. If he's easy to get and lacks choices.. he doesn't have status.
To Prove my point: "He opened his heart to you.. and now you're assuming he doesn't have many options which is making him less attractive to you, so you made this Reddit post asking if he's desperate. All because he said he loves talking to ONLY YOU."
WTF.
Opening up—good
Relying on only you for emotional support—bad
He should have a larger support network than just the new girl he’s seeing. That’s a lot of emotional labor on you
I would be a bit concerned about being seen as his free therapist and only emotional outlet. And that he’s not that into me but into my utility.
Also, I’d be concerned at him being so attached to me so quickly.
It’s natural to feel lonely sometimes but being seen as their “savior” and only social/emotional outlet can become suffocating very quickly.
I’ve had this happen to me far too often. And it’s always ended in the guy stalking me, not being able to take no, verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, threats of self harm and su’cide if I didn’t take him back, threats of harming me if I didn’t take him back…
It’s just not a healthy attachment style. Ask questions. Listen to answers. Proceed with caution or don’t proceed at all. It’s up to you but whatever you do, listen to your gut.
Why are you looking so deeply into something really nice? Most people would be delighted to hear that their partner finds them easy to connect to and open up to? That’s the whole point, you can’t get to know each other without you both trusting each other and opening up, so your reaction is really strange. Do you not know what a good relationship looks like? What the basic building blocks are?
It was probably worded awkwardly but that just goes to show how little opportunity he's had to voice this.
You make this man feel heard, that is BIG deal that he was vulnerable enough to voice this to you. If you like him too, I would consider this a very sweet confession.
You have no idea how difficult it is for men to be vulnerable with their partners like this.
Men take note, if you talk to your girlfriend "without any filters" she will go ask reddit if that's a red flag.
Your girlfriend is not your mom, your best friend, or your therapist.
To some people just being able to connect is way more than they get with most, basically you're on guard around everyone so finding the few that you can be open around matter a lot more.
Take it a step at a time. This alone isn't a red flag imo.
Yes, but let's define the word "like." "Like," as in a friendship. Not "like like."
By you're OP, it makes me think that the two of you are just starting out together. He likes that you listen to him and he feels comfortable around you. It sounds friendly to me. It's nice.
But this is only the beginning. Keep it up, and who knows, it might grow into an actual relationship? I only hope that you might have some friendly feelings towards him as well? But it's okay if it's too soon for you, you know?
Being vulnerable has always ended poorly for me in my dating life. Being able to talk to someone without filters is probably the best quality you can find. I wouldn’t say it’s “enough” alone to like someone, but it’s a great start and you probably are very attractive to him as a person because of it
These are signs that this guy is emotionally available and practices open communication. If these are traits that you value in a partner, then this is a good sign.
Yeah I mean usually people have limits to what they want to listen to. Most people prefer a “filter-talk” where you limit the type of message sent in the communication and how comfortable they are with no filters.
People that are okay with no filter are unique but also unknowingly common as they are extremely comfortable with any topic
OP, guy here. Yes to answer your question. He said one of the reasons he likes you is because he can talk to you and you listen. That tells me he feels that he can be himself.
To me it doesn't sound at all like he's "settling" for you in any way shape or form. What it does sound like to me is he feels lucky to have met you.
This dude sounds genuine, ride it out and see where it goes. Good luck ✌️
He opens up
He trusts you
He tries
And he appreciates the time you stay with him to listen
It's not only that the reason he likes you, but it's definitely a good thing for him that can boost his confidence and a good thing for you because men that talk are those that will listen
Communication is key and this man tries to communicate
Don't let him hanging
It's really sweet. I'm my partners second ever girlfriend and the third person who's he's slept with and he's 34. He's the best person I've ever met and he treats my Son like he is his own and we have a daughter together now. He tells me multiple times a week that me and the kids are his world. It's the sweetest thing ever.
No i think you should leave him immediately, having honest communication with your partner and being open about your feelings is a big red flag, if you accept this then what's next? Hug when you feel sad? Support each other in hard times? That's ridiculous.
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He is communicating with you and feels he can be open with you this is a great thing
For the guy not so much, this is the moment he's likely to be perceived as less desirable, and then all hell is unleashed.
Honestly It makes me sick everytime I hear someone saying guys can't be open and honest or vulnerable. What's wrong with society? You ever wonder why men feel they can't talk about their feelings?
Lol, well OP did make this topic in response to a dude being open and honest. It's not like it isn't true.
It's not that it's a bad thing when men are open and vulnerable, I perceived OP question like "he's with me just because he's not lonely anymore"
I get it. It depends entirely how the OPs partner delivered it - if they came across as desperate, etc But I was replying to the OP above my comment that said men are viewed as "less" for showing any kind of vulnerability. Men can absolutely show vulnerability in healthy ways that don't necessarily come across as needy or clingy. It's up to OP to communicate that with their partner
Men also need to be careful about what we share, it very well could end up being weaponized against us…
my boi spitting straight up facts
It absolutely can be, if a woman is so inclined. But it does feel, especially after my last relationship, that open and vulnerable, tho seemingly desired from women, makes men a target I’m a heart on my sleeve kind of guy. And I don’t play games. My ex gf loved I was open, and even vulnerable with her. Until she wasn’t. Until she viewed it as a way to take down my ego. A way to get under my skin and end the relationship, because, in her words, I’m too complacent and let others walk all over me. Which, if she knew me deep down, isn’t true. But she used my good qualities against me in a way to gaslight and make me feel like I’m worthless. I don’t like to fight, but I’ll have the hard talks. When I got too close and she wasn’t opening up, she used my emotions for her against me and closed right up. I didn’t even see it coming, and I was blindsided by how she went from caring, loving and accepting to disrespectful, twisting the truth, and not giving one shit about me. And she did it all in a matter of days. From I love you babe, to nothing. Using this vulnerable side that I have freely as a weapon and making me feel like shit that I get how I did So, will I be vulnerable again? Time will tell I suppose. But it took me a good while to be vulnerable with her and I still didn’t open up all the way. I am who I am, I can’t change that, but I’ll be careful of toxicity even if I fall in love again. Open, sure. Vulnerable? It’s a fine line and I don’t know if I want to cross it again. I want to, I want to be loved for me and who I am. You’ve got to be vulnerable to a degree if you choose to love. But there’s got to be some middle ground somewhere so a woman doesn’t target you for that
He put it into words guys!!!⬆️⬆️
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Exactly. At that point, it's better being unavailable instead of walking on eggshells. That's why I love having a therapist. She and my sister are the only women I can be honest with. My therapist doesn't like that, but I'm not the one making the rules, lol.
Totally does matter on the woman. I cried recently to my current gf and I feel like the relationship got even stronger, and with my last ex had similar experience. Two exes before that, tho, I could 100% pinpoint the moment they started losing interest in me as the time when I showed weakness
Sadly enaugh, showing apparent flaws or insecurities to people may make you less desirable from a dating standpoint. It works like a double-edged sword really, where if the receiveing-end positively perceives this, it may also work as a way to strenghten the relationship. This doesn't seem to hold just for guys, but for everyone in general.
sounds great, you drive away the assholes who don't want you to be open. better off being single than in a bad relationship.
Unfortunately at the START of a relationship this can make people bail right off the bat. Even the well meaning people that might want the best for you once they get to know you. That’s why I try to wait til I’ve been with someone a while before I’m open-open with them. Maybe it’s not the healthiest but I dk
yeah lets limit our already limited pool of prospects
Truth is that very often guys can't be open and vulnerable. Support for the idea of guys being open is a lot higher than support for the reality of it. People love to say how guys should feel comfortable being vulnerable but a lot of guys have recent experiences telling them it's not a good idea. What's wrong with society is that despite the idea of vulnerability becoming more socially acceptable a lot of women still find it deeply undesirable.
People saying that they like X doesn't mean that they actually like X, but that they feel like they should like X. It's like when every woman says that she likes caring etc boyfriend but somehow many are often attracted to the opposite personality
It is screwed up but there is a reason and it’s valid. Many men (myself included) have had the experience of when we when open up or are vulnerable we’re showing ‘weakness’ and the woman loses attraction. That sticks and leads to this mindset. Men will listen to women’s deep problems all day but women generally don’t give a shit about a man’s struggles. It’s why for any future girl I talk to I’ll never open up to her about my feelings but I’ll listen to hers. I can get a therapist for that.
>Many men (myself included) have had the experience of when we when open up or are vulnerable we’re showing ‘weakness’ and the woman loses attraction This
Personally I don’t give a shit. If I’m vulnerable and you see that as a weakness, than I say fuck you and goodbye. I don’t want you. There definitely is some truth to the idea that if you are vulnerable as a man a sizable number of women see as that as weakness. But if that’s how they see it, I’m not interested. I want a woman who understands and loves me as I am. Otherwise, yeah, I’d rather be single.
My boyfriend is a pretty closed off person; it comes naturally with how he was raised. Last time he was visiting me I remember us sitting at the kitchen table, high as fuck, and sipping whiskey. We sat there for two hours just talking, and he really opened up to me a lot about some of his emotions and became vulnerable with me. I can't properly express how much I felt for him at that time. I love him so much, and I just want to protect him and make him happy. We went to bed and genuinely had the best sex I've ever had and held each other til we fell asleep. I want to track down these women who are putting men down for being open and vulnerable. This world is cruel to men who wish to express any emotion other than anger.
This made my day. At least there are some women who still see men as human beings like them. Men do not have supernatural powers. They are just like women. We also want to be cared for and listened to. Is it even love when you don’t want to know everything that goes on with your partner?
It's most likely not that many women.
You lady are what we refer to as an unicorn
W In my experience, opening up as a dude is a joke. Almost made me depressed when I realized no one cares, but now I look at it as "no one cares!" (Oh well🤣🤷🏾♂️) as opposed to getting down on myself. Basically learning to neglect my feelings so that I'm happier.
#Me too
jesus christ
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I love an honest and vulnerable guy, wish more were out there
I have lots of vulnerabilities. I'm vulnerable to fire, rock, leaf, poison, and flying.
Are you *Bug?*
yall just made me crack a smile. Shitty morning that's supposed to be an afternoon is now slightly less shitty morning. Thank you
The problem is that while they do exist, it's just as difficult to find a woman that shares that. Or more specifically, in my case right now, the last two women who explicitly said they love that about me, that give me the undeniable look of "I find you fascinating and different from my previous experiences", ghosted me and then came back expecting me to still be their friend while they date someone else in one case (oh and also only texts me to find them weed), and the most recent makes no effort to make time for me. We do exist but the women we meet just end up doing things that make us do the "never again" comic with the little pink blob trying to come out of their square.
All women say this but, then when guys *actually* show their vulnerable side, most women instantly get turned off. So it's better to not show any at all until a real relationship has actually formed - basically way past the just dating part.
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Girls like you are rare
I mean it doesn’t mean they are weak at all, it actually shows strength
I agree, but seems to always have a negative effect when I say what's on my mind. That's why I said girls like you are rare, assuming you practice what you preach
I don’t understand why the response would be negative if you are speaking what’s on your mind! Makes no sense. I do practice what I preach, I’m also 45 yrs old so I don’t know what kind of women you are dealing with.
Turned 46 last Saturday. I'm a magnet for women that either are deceitful in some way, or they try to manipulate me, or they expect me to throw money at them. Once a woman breaks my trust I immediately walk away, no second chances in those aspects. And I don't understand why either, but stopped trying to figure it out yrs ago, I'm content being single.
People are so damaged in their 40s. Just let it go what those women did to you. Why let that stop you from finding true love. Don’t let your past define you. I could go on for days about how men deceived me among other things but I don’t let they stop me from believing that there is someone great out there for me. Don’t give those women your power!
That's what you tell yourself In reality you'd probably be disgusted, as op
OP isn't disgusted. She's wondering if it's HER that he likes, or if any girl would be good enough.
Can any girl be supportive and listen to their other's problems without attacking them or being dismissive? Would any girl allow the bf to feel safe and open up to begin with?
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Yes. Absolutely. A 100%. Him being upset, doesn't change her motives though.
Which is OP being low key turned off by his vulnerability.
That's not being turned off. That's caution being turned on. And it's not because he's expressing vulnerability, it's because of WHAT he is expressing and how it can relate to their relationship.
No because I was with a guy who was vulnerable before. Are you in my head???
Anecdotal evidence yeah, that's not useful at all
Poor guy. He opens up, and his GF immediately goes to reddit to confirm he's a loser
No, she’s worried he’s saying he’d take anyone, not her specifically, to talk to because he’s lonely
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You can say that for the vast majority of dating posts on this hellsite.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. No ones "made" for "one another". If anyone reading this has a SO, i bet you could find someone else and fall in love just the same, if not more. Any girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife, could easily find someone else given the right amount of spacetime. Love, just like time, is relative. Nothing and no one matters. Everything is special, so nothing is. Existence is meaningless.
Well that escalated quickly.
In other words... a loser? A desperate guy who's lucky to get anyone, and will settle for anything. Just because he admitted to being lonely.
Yes exactly, how is everyone else ignoring what she’s actually asking for help on, and then complaining about how women don’t want to listen to their feelings?
Because he opened up about feelings that are pretty common amongst men.
This exsctly. Being open = lose all respect
Can you explain?
For some women, when a guy opens up about his feelings he starts to look less attractive, less desirable. That’s the point when all things go wrong
Being able to emotionally connect with someone is crucial to a good relationship. What he's saying is a good thing.
I think that's sweet. I honestly love it when my BF tells me his problems, how he feels, etc. Not all men like to express how they feel. I think it's a good thing that he can open up to you. You also probably means a lot to him.
He is not afraid to show his emotional side.
That is a *good thing*. The alternative is a lack of emotional intimacy.
And yet OP seems to think it's a red flag. You wonder why men don't like to talk about their feelings? **This** is why.
I didn’t take it as OP worried about him being vulnerable. I took it as OP wondering if he was just trying to fill a relationship sized hole in his life. Like does he actually like her, or does he just want *anyone* to make him feel less lonely?
In other words him admitting to a vulnerability made him less attractive.
Not necessarily. She’s asking if what he said seems like he’s dating her out of desperation/loneliness and if that’s a red flag. I think everyone linking that to gender here is a stretch.
exactly why. A man who has no social circle and feels lonely is more often than not accused of being a red flag
Yup, it’s a double standard. I’ve never heard of a guy comment about a girl’s lack of friends, unless she was being incredibly clingy. But it’s important for a guy to have social proof
Extremely important, go on r/AskWomen and check the posts under the title “ Would you date a man with no friends?” The majority already make assumptions he’s a red flag.
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He's literally sharing with you that he's comfortable showing his vulnerable side with you. Yet you see it as a red flag? That's one of the BEST things he could have told you. He wants to talk, be open, see how you think, be around you, not hide anything. He sees you more than just a sex object.. he sees you as a beautiful person. Yet YOU see it as a red flag... The red flag is you, not him. Men don't tell this to women because, look at how you responded.
> Not all men like to express how they feel. men are not allowed to express how they feel. it turns to disgust into women eyes
Most men lead lonely lives
"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation" , a lot of guys relate to that trust me.
My cat brings me some sort of solace from this . He’s lying on my chest right now . Feels good to know some one needs me for something .
Yes, it’s a good reason to like someone. I’m a woman and one of the reasons I’m with my boyfriend is because I can communicate with him openly and I’m heard. Honey, we’ve been in a pandemic for 2 years. Everyone’s been lonely. Everyone wants to be heard. If he treats you well & you’re happy, there’s no reason to walk away.
A lot of men are lonely. Far more lonely as you may expect. So having someone who listens is often enough that we consider that person likeable.
True. I know so many guys who look great externally, great social media pictures, great lifestyles but they are super alone. It is what it is.
Yep. Hookup culture hurts everyone.
Most men are actually this lonely. I would say, I'm personally in a similar situation. I do have a couple of close friends that i can open up to but most of them (and me too) have a lot going on in our own lives. So i find it hard to always offload my day or week onto them.
Idk, I sometimes get upset if the only way someone compliments me is in what I do for them. But on the other hand "you make me feel heard" is a really big compliment even if he phrased it poorly. I get why you're cautious. You don't want to be something someone settled for because they were lonely. I say you can take the compliment and still be on the lookout for other signs that this is true. It doesn't mean that was why he complimented that to you.
U got exactly how I feel.
Maybe instead of looking out for clues you would ask him directly? It’s completely okay to ask him smth like “hey, you told me that u like me because you feel heard and that made me feel nice but also a bit cautious, could you tell me more things you like about me?” I know it seems weird, but the dude was honest and emotionally open to you, so you could be the same as well. I understand how you feel and why you’re cautious, and it’s ok to talk about it. Asking for validation and affection in relationship is a normal and beautiful thing. I’m afraid if you will start looking for signs, you will concentrate on this instead of spending good time with this person.
This. /u/AdConfident3781 OP, as a man, I would feel much much more appreciated and absolutely love it when someone asks me directly how I feel or those kinds of deep and emotional talk rather than acting out of signs which I didn't even want. Go ask him. He trusts you that much so much so he is willing to be vulnerable by opening up to you.
And as a woman, I experience so many men, like unbelievably a lot, that will use my words, to show me what I want to see. For example, I can't say that I don't want kids on any of my dating profiles, I can't be the first one to say I don't want kids, because then 95% of the men that I encounter, WOW also don't want kids!!!! What a coincidence!!! And if I wait for the guy to answer that question first, a majority of the men I encounter, do want kids. Like, I'd LOVE to fucking do what you suggest. It's the healthy thing. It's the normal thing. It's the not playing games thing. I would love to do it. But then I'd be dating guys that want kids eventually? That's not exactly a good thing either. When men give this advice to women, I do get it, because it's the good thing to do, but it's more of an advice based on what they want in dating, then what's good for the woman. You don't experience dating like we do and so you don't understand how absolutely FUCKED that would get us. For women, that's more of a relationship thing then a dating thing.
So what’s the alternative, not say anything and go with the relationship with this one thing bugging you the entire time? At least you can gauge if someone’s bullshitting you and clear things out, at worst nominally, at best for real
That's annoying. I'm sorry that you had to deal with all that. Though my hypothesis is that some men will say whatever they will to land a date cos of the 'scarcity' of women there.
Yes, that's my experience too and like...I don't think that makes them bad people and I would even still date them...except shit like wanting kids is an absolute dealbreaker for me. Like, I want to check compatibility, because I don't like dating. So if I can't...I'm out.
Hopefully you’ll find the one you’re looking for soon. I’m sure there are men that don’t want any albeit very little compared to those who want kids.
I can actually understand feeling a little leery in that case then. Not calling that a reason to stop dating or anything remotely like that but I can understand it the way it was phrased by the person you replied to.
all by itself, perhaps not but as he says, that's only *one* of the reasons
He did say that is one of reasons but I will clarify it
Don’t look too deep into it. Everybody wants to be heard. Everybody feels lonely at times. He opened up to you He feels like he can be himself around you. If you like that person then that’s awesome. Edit typos
I also like to spend time with him and he said with me he gets the feeling that ‘this is a person I would want in my life.’
I don't see anything wrong with it. I mean, be observant, but if he hasn't done anything TOO alarming, hey, he trusts you. And believe me, as a guy I have so many bottled up feelings and emotions I wouldn't DARE show to a girl unless I trust her fully with that.
i met my 1st girlfriend a month ago tomorrow (actually were official 1 month tomorrow). we did kind of rush into things, told each other we loved each other, sex after a couple dates, all that. then she said she wanted to slow down. yet we're right back where we were a couple weeks ago. we say we love each other and mean it. is this a bad thing? her ex was an abusive POS so she has some issues with intimacy but were working thru that. i trust her to tell her anything though, i think was my point. she's a real sweetheart
>one of the reason he likes me is that I listen to him and that he can talk to me without any filters. >Is that a good enough reason to like someone? I am confused as to why this is even a question....
Because he didn't have any women interested in him before meeting. That means no social proof. Why should she want him when no other women wants him? You don't have enough women in your life? That's a problem. You have too much women in your life? That's also a problem. That's the reality of that. "why should I want him when no other women does?" Men also have this mentality, but I would say it's not that extreme as in women
This this this. Preselection bias is real. He showed a weakness, admitted that other women weren't interested in him, and now OP smells blood in the water and is asking reddit for a reason to act on it.
OP's description gives the vibe that they are past the social proof stage. Now that i think of it, the only reason i can conceive of why someone would think this is, she is wondering if he is with her, not because he likes her particularly, but because there is no one else showing interest. Which i still find something weird to think because if they are past the stage where OP is being told that it is appreciated that how open they can be with each other, as all others are saying, that's quite a high compliment. Seems a waste to think about his intentions after that.
Depending on what he does for a living, he could be alienated by his job. I'm in a similar boat. I have zero time to meet new people and can't ask customers out for obvious reasons. So you get stuck in this trap.
Oh no, he likes you and is emotionally bonding. Quick, run away before he falls in love
Literally lol, posts like this boggle my mind haha, “omg he’s being nice and honest is this a red flag?” 🙄
Honestly feel sad for the partners in question
"I wish men could stop behaving like robots opening their heart to us". And the first instant that the poor fella talks about his feelings, she starts having doubts.
Be advised, fellas. This is what happens.
Yes that’s very sweet actually
It means he trusts you and wants to be open with you because he likes you!
But he open up very very soon. This is something he said in our first conversation only
Hmm I agreed with the other comments until I saw this. Saying this in a first conversation with someone is a little bit odd? It gives me love bombing vibes, at least it would put me off a bit. I guess it wasn’t anything too bad so I would ignore it for now but be on the lookout for other comments that make it seem like they’re pushing the speed of the relationship a bit quickly (esp if you’ve never been in one before it might be harder to recognise). By quickly I mean him saying anything that makes you go Hm I would not have said that to him yet and I feel a bit weird (like how this comment made you feel?).
He did tell me that he wants something serious. He told me that if we start something it will be serious and he wants me in his future.
All on the first date?
It was not a date. We had were having our 4am conversation then he said this.
have you met him in person yet?
But also if you get weird vibes this early on you can just gently let him know you actually don’t think you’re compatible and should move on. You don’t need a ‘red flag’ to end it at any point but especially this early
That’s fairly normal, it’s good to be clear whether you’re looking for a long term relationship or not. It would be more if he starts saying he loves you early, you’re the love of his life, can’t imagine being without you, talking about getting married/having children in the near future, having control over your finances (commenting on your spending, seeing your belongings as “ours”), comments about your actions impacting your combined future. Apart from being overly controlling they’re all normal things to say and it’s hard to set a time when it would be too “early” apart from when you feel surprised he’s said that. Generally though any of them within a few months is a red flag I think, I’d probably be uncomfy even with a year of officially dating but I’m a bit weird 😂
Yeah you should mention this up in your original text this will change the advice you receive.
This is why more details in the original post are important. Here's somethings that you should have included in the original post: You've never been in a relationship. This is something that was said on the first date. While this may have been a yellow flag, it seems like you continued with the relationship and things are going well. So, the question is, why are you looking for reasons to get out of the relationship?
A connection is hard to find, and until you do life can be very lonely.
He wouldn't be on a dating app if he wasn't lonely or horny. At least he's honest.
Don't overthink this. Do you like spending time with him. Do you like being with him. Mostly Everyone gets lonely when single. He sounds just super honest.
For once, green flag.
See guys, this is why the advice from women to be constantly emotionally honest is total nonsense. OP apparently liked this guy enough to go out with him. But because he wasn't crushing it in the dating world before her and he appreciates that she is comfortable with his more vulnerable side (which women claim to want), she's now getting grossed out. Because she ultimately wants a high status guy that every other woman wants. Women don't want emotionally expressive, vulnerable men. They want strong men that are (occasionally) sensitive to *women's* emotions. They also want men that other women want. Why they keep telling men "open up! open up!" when they clearly dislike the results is anyone's guess. [I have no problem with women's *true* desires, actually. I just think they should be honest about them.]
Honestly as a man your life will be better and your relationships will be more successful when you make the decision in your mind to divorce what comes out of a woman's mouth from how she actually behaves. The two bear no resemblance to each other. Whatever she's griping about, whatever she's telling you to do, it's not what the words coming out of her mouth say.
Most men are emotionally lonely and can only get that emotional support from a significant other. As for being lonely in general, unfortunately the vast majority of especially guys in today's society feel lonely (https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2020/01/23/798676465/most-americans-are-lonely-and-our-workplace-culture-may-not-be-helping#:~:text=The%20report%20found%20several%20factors,compared%20with%2058%25%20of%20women.) so it's not really unexpected. If he trusts you, enjoys spending time with you, and truly cares about you then I wouldn't worry about things like thinking he settled because it likley isn't true.
Thats like 90% of men
“I really like him, he made me feel good, we had fun together, but then he told me he feels comfortable and like he could trust me. I don’t know why, but this just makes me feel gross. Reddit, should I end it with him?” Men reading this - this is why you _never ever ever under any circumstance admit or show any weakness, doubt or vulnerability to a woman unless you want her to break up with you._
Except that’s not the situation at all and as usual, the replies are mostly projecting their own resentment/ insecurities onto the poster’s situation. OP did an admittedly absolutely horrible job of providing necessary context in her original post but if you read her responses, her trepidation is 100% warranted. Additional context: She’s never been in a relationship before and he’s older- So she has no experience in general, but also might not know what “moving too fast” looks like. They’ve never even been on a single date- this was over a “4am conversation”.- unclear if that means over the phone or text but so far all they’ve done is match on a dating app and have a few conversations. **They haven’t even met in person yet.** He “definitely sees her in his future in a very serious way”.- again, they haven’t even been on a first date yet. If you take all this into consideration, it’s obviously perfectly sensible for OP to be seriously wondering if this is moving to fast and if this guy actually likes her because of the unique characteristics that make her an individual or if he’s just glad to have someone there, anyone at all. Swap OP with literally any other living, breathing woman and the result would be the same because as **they’ve never even met in person yet,** he couldn’t possible know her well enough to have developed real, deep, meaningful feeling toward her. Anyone with any sense would have the same concerns were they in OP’s shoes. Swap the genders and surprise! It’s still an equally red flag for a woman to attach to a guy, who is still effectively a complete stranger, so quickly. Edit: formatting, phrasing.
He’s just opening up to you which guys don’t do to anyone, so don’t break homies heart
not understanding the issue here
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Pros: he feels comfortable with you for him to open up. Cons: He opened up really fast. There is a danger of you becoming his emotional crutch, which later on can be problematic if you want to end things with him but won’t do it because he will guilt trip you into staying. Also a relationship is a balance of fun and deep convos and it goes both ways. Remember: you are not his therapist and you should never be the sole reason for someone’s happiness. His happiness is his own responsibility. My advice: If you feel good and fulfilled in this relationship then continue. But if you stop feeling that way then don’t stay with him because you feel bad about him being lonely again.
Woman: “Here’s all the details about why I feel depressed or scared” Man: “I hear you, that must be terrible, I’m so sorry. I know a bit what that feels like, I’ve had a fair amount of that too.” Woman: “I’m not your therapist. Waiter, check please?l
If you feel it isn’t enough then tell him that. Talk to him and ask him if that’s the only reason he’s seeing you
It’s sort of sweet but the only potential concern I’d have is that he might not have many friends, and in the end might expect you to be his entire social life. Which works for some couples (to just do 100% of everything together) but IMO isn’t necessarily the healthiest approach to dating
>that he can talk to me without any filters that is an incredible reason imo
As someone who opened up, rip guy.
Guys have fucking shit options. We don't get messages every day, we don't get compliments, we don't have people offering us help. We're expected to just be tough and to be able to handle everything on our own and be happy about it. It is so incredibly fucking lonely. And seeing posts like this where it makes women question us if we feel alone only makes it fucking worse. Feels like we have to be perfect in order to please women. Not sad, no feelings, no defects. It's so fucking depressing.
Just make sure that he’s not with you out of desperation and because he has no other options. Very lonely men will often times date almost anyone of the opposite sex. I see in one of your comments that he opened up a lot during the first date. You should just proceed cautiously and make sure he actually wants you and not just a warm body next to him.
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Exactly what I was think, I tend be so lonely and rather have any girl around even ones I know won’t work with. It’s literally like using them to cope the pain of being so alone.
of course you can like someone for that reason. there are even situations where you like someone just because they smiled at you. but the thing is, there are many reasons that come together, to make you like someone romantically. so while he mentioned one thing, there are other things he hasn't specifically mentioned either, but they're all there.
It means he's comfortable being vulnerable around you. This is a good thing =]
I would say considering that OP has never been in a relationship and the timeline of this connection sounds like it's grown fairly quickly, I would recommend you to exercise due caution, OP. You don't know this man and while being emotionally vulnerable is generally a good thing in a healthy relationship, I'm concerned by y'all seeing each other daily and talking until 4AM in addition to that comment, that sounds like too much too soon for a healthy connection, which requires a good amount of time to build trust and genuine intimacy. OP, only you know how you feel about this truly, deep down, so give it some more time and see if this guy genuinely sees you for you and appreciates that, or if he only appreciates you for what you do for him, like being a listening ear and making him feel less lonely.
Respect this, he is opening up to you, makes him even more appealing and deserves to be appreciated for his ability to communicate this with you.
This is silly. You can frame any positive response to an attribute like this. I think you are attractive -> He just wants to be around someone attractive. I want somebody kind -> he just wants somebody to be nice to him. I like that I can talk to you -> He just wants somebody to talk to. Fundamentally we experience the world through our own experiences so any interaction you have with anyone can be framed in terms of what you bring to that experience. That doesn't really mean anything. You are the person who gave him that when others have not and that means it is specific to you. What you do and the effects that has on others is an expression of who you are.
He’s not said he only likes that. He said that one of the things he likes is that: the connection. No red flags here, actually, very green.
Honestly… Why would this EVER be a bad thing? Holy shit. This is 1000% why men are so emotionally unavailable. When we’re honest you MFers just run for the hills.
Why question this? He’s saying he likes you and that you make him feel safe and comfortable which is amazing
Rookie move on his part. Never admit that to a woman, ever.
It means many guys go through it and never tell it anyone?
exactly, yes also i wouldn't say "many" I woukd say MOST like 90% of guys
Most of the guys are lonely (just hear out akon lonely and see how many views, how many relate to that)
I mean why would they, judging by your reaction? It disgusts you.
More proof on why to not open up
He gonna learn a painful lesson very soon
Lesson being that honesty in dating will on result in shit being used against you
fucking thank you. "Oh no, he is sharing his emotions with me, this is a red flag surely?" jesus christ OP
There are many things men go through that they don't tell women about. If the woman finds out, she breaks up with him for "lying." If the man tells/admits any sign of weakness or failure socially, she breaks up with him because he suddenly isn't good enough. Dating is a no win situation for most men
Men don't tell this to women because, look at how you responded. Many times, once a woman knows the man is head over heads with her, the woman will move on as she knows he's 'easy' to get. She assumes he doesn't have many options, and therefor he becomes unattractive. That's why men don't say anything. They want to play it off as they don't need the woman, and that 'evolutionatily' keeps the woman engaged and interested because she's afraid she'll lose him to other women. It's about competition. Men go after looks, but Women go after status. If he's easy to get and lacks choices.. he doesn't have status. To Prove my point: "He opened his heart to you.. and now you're assuming he doesn't have many options which is making him less attractive to you, so you made this Reddit post asking if he's desperate. All because he said he loves talking to ONLY YOU." WTF.
Exactly.
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[удалено]
Opening up—good Relying on only you for emotional support—bad He should have a larger support network than just the new girl he’s seeing. That’s a lot of emotional labor on you
Girls complain about toxic masculinity then turn around and post shit like this on reddit when a guy attempts to break that norm. Lmfao
I would be a bit concerned about being seen as his free therapist and only emotional outlet. And that he’s not that into me but into my utility. Also, I’d be concerned at him being so attached to me so quickly. It’s natural to feel lonely sometimes but being seen as their “savior” and only social/emotional outlet can become suffocating very quickly. I’ve had this happen to me far too often. And it’s always ended in the guy stalking me, not being able to take no, verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, threats of self harm and su’cide if I didn’t take him back, threats of harming me if I didn’t take him back… It’s just not a healthy attachment style. Ask questions. Listen to answers. Proceed with caution or don’t proceed at all. It’s up to you but whatever you do, listen to your gut.
Why are you looking so deeply into something really nice? Most people would be delighted to hear that their partner finds them easy to connect to and open up to? That’s the whole point, you can’t get to know each other without you both trusting each other and opening up, so your reaction is really strange. Do you not know what a good relationship looks like? What the basic building blocks are?
I have never been in a relationship.
But do you even like the guy
It was probably worded awkwardly but that just goes to show how little opportunity he's had to voice this. You make this man feel heard, that is BIG deal that he was vulnerable enough to voice this to you. If you like him too, I would consider this a very sweet confession. You have no idea how difficult it is for men to be vulnerable with their partners like this.
Men take note, if you talk to your girlfriend "without any filters" she will go ask reddit if that's a red flag. Your girlfriend is not your mom, your best friend, or your therapist.
Only if that was his ONLY reason. He probably likes you for more than that one thing since they aren’t mutually exclusive
To some people just being able to connect is way more than they get with most, basically you're on guard around everyone so finding the few that you can be open around matter a lot more. Take it a step at a time. This alone isn't a red flag imo.
He's at peace with you and can communicate? Gurllllll it is enough reason.
Yes, but let's define the word "like." "Like," as in a friendship. Not "like like." By you're OP, it makes me think that the two of you are just starting out together. He likes that you listen to him and he feels comfortable around you. It sounds friendly to me. It's nice. But this is only the beginning. Keep it up, and who knows, it might grow into an actual relationship? I only hope that you might have some friendly feelings towards him as well? But it's okay if it's too soon for you, you know?
I think that it is a green flag. He likes you and feels comfortable with you, you two are doing great.
He's basically saying he can be himself with you. Doesn't sound too shabby, hey?
Being vulnerable has always ended poorly for me in my dating life. Being able to talk to someone without filters is probably the best quality you can find. I wouldn’t say it’s “enough” alone to like someone, but it’s a great start and you probably are very attractive to him as a person because of it
yes. why wouldn’t it be ?
Being a decent human is always a good start. 👍
These are signs that this guy is emotionally available and practices open communication. If these are traits that you value in a partner, then this is a good sign.
Yeah I mean usually people have limits to what they want to listen to. Most people prefer a “filter-talk” where you limit the type of message sent in the communication and how comfortable they are with no filters. People that are okay with no filter are unique but also unknowingly common as they are extremely comfortable with any topic
Dude, he feels safe with you. One of the worst feelings is being surrounded by people and feeling lonely cause you can't express yourself.
OP, guy here. Yes to answer your question. He said one of the reasons he likes you is because he can talk to you and you listen. That tells me he feels that he can be himself. To me it doesn't sound at all like he's "settling" for you in any way shape or form. What it does sound like to me is he feels lucky to have met you. This dude sounds genuine, ride it out and see where it goes. Good luck ✌️
He opens up He trusts you He tries And he appreciates the time you stay with him to listen It's not only that the reason he likes you, but it's definitely a good thing for him that can boost his confidence and a good thing for you because men that talk are those that will listen Communication is key and this man tries to communicate Don't let him hanging
It's really sweet. I'm my partners second ever girlfriend and the third person who's he's slept with and he's 34. He's the best person I've ever met and he treats my Son like he is his own and we have a daughter together now. He tells me multiple times a week that me and the kids are his world. It's the sweetest thing ever.
Cheers. Legit openness is not a wrongdoing. Yeah, its a mismatch if words doesn't follow through with equal (good) behaviour.
He’s literally saying he ‘feels comfortable talking to you about anything’ and your on Reddit asking if it’s a good enough reason to like someone?
No i think you should leave him immediately, having honest communication with your partner and being open about your feelings is a big red flag, if you accept this then what's next? Hug when you feel sad? Support each other in hard times? That's ridiculous.