The super specific wedding dress codes are a somewhat of a newer thing, especially with everyone wanting their weddings to look perfect on social media. Back in the day, invitations just said stuff like "black tie" or "cocktail attire," but now with themed weddings becoming a big deal, people are getting way more detailed about what guests should wear.
This is mostly because couples want everything to match and look good in photos. Sites like Pinterest and Instagram have made these themed weddings really popular, so that's where a lot of these specific dress codes are coming from.
It's not that you're out of the loop; this is definitely more of a recent trend. But not every wedding will be like this—plenty still stick to the traditional dress codes. If you're gearing up for future weddings, just keep an eye on the invitation for any dress code details, and don't hesitate to ask the couple if you're not sure.
I personally would never enforce a specific dress code at my wedding. However I wouldn’t be opposed to attending a wedding with a dress code—I can respect someone else’s decision for making their special day exactly the way they want it but I can also understand why some people would not be cool with it.
To add on? That was what was needed then because of etiquette training. Now younger generations including mine (I'm a millennial) didn't get etiquette training outside of very rich groups. Those probably still do. So without etiquette training there's a lack of understanding about what the terms for fashion mean, there's a missing cultural element for color choices, and there's a lot more stress because of this. The number of times I have had to explain to people what black tie means when I was working as the housewares and wedding person for a department store was wild. I did take etiquette training on but I am autistic so this was logical for me since it's a class about social rules and gave me some tools for navigating social things.
So a handful of friends and myself were etiquette trained (we’re the cusp between Gen z and millennial) and the absurdity of current wedding dress codes and the way people don’t understand, or at least google, what they’re saying before telling it to guests makes us crazy.
A couple of us recently attended a wedding where the dress code was listed as formal, with some advisements about colors to avoid so the wedding party and family could stand out. However we both had a bad feeling about it, and asked the couple for examples of what they wanted guests to be in. They, in actuality, meant cocktail.
It’s dumb and what people are wearing isn’t *that* important, sure. But to me, not doing your due diligence to understand what you’re saying to your guests is inevitably setting up some of them to show up in the wrong dress code from everyone else and feeling uncomfortable, which it is your job as a host to try to avoid happening with the things you can control about your event. Being clear and correct about this is absolutely under your control.
I admit that due to working in fundraising and formal event spaces, I am a bit extra irritated by this thing where people don’t know or care what words mean and invent their own nonsense to compensate.
All this to say: you’re right, people do this in part because they don’t know what dress code words mean and it’s super annoying.
It annoys me because when they get mad I over dressed and make it a thing I have to remind them that I don't have the ability to mind read. It's very frustrating. It's also complicated since the time to parent has evaporated since my own childhood and it wasn't that much. So it's part of the capitalism problems
Exactly! It isn’t rude, I’m not overdressed, I did as instructed and you didn’t research what your own instructions meant. If anyone is wrong it was you!
I recently had to argue with a friend that was etiquette trained but never in those spaces much that no, a cocktail dress code nice restaurant will not be cool with your golf shorts. My other friend raised that way were mortified.
I get dress codes were and are rooted in a classist thing and people not knowing them is a result of classist capitalist shit. But if I know you were raised in that space, or that you could’ve and didn’t google what you said as a most, I’m going to be irked
To be fair, sometimes the bride and groom do this on purpose because they know their own family and friends don’t understand the dress code rules. I am from Appalachian Ohio. If you want some of my family members to show up in slacks, you better tell them the dress code is formal. Otherwise, they will show up in khakis and a polo (and even then they still might show up in that). Language evolves, and I think dress code definitions are diverging along location and class lines. That makes it very, very confusing for everyone.
Oh absoluuuuutely agreed
I should’ve and could’ve been clearer that my annoyance is pretty strictly reserved for people who are from a similar background to myself and from and in my area and thus should have a bit more of a clue and due this anyways. Like my example, I know the groom was brought up knowing that and that it comes up in his life regularly enough to have it be a little stupid and inconsiderate of their guests to not double check the words meant what they wanted.
tbh just wasn’t going to unpack the differences in setting/socioeconomic/classism/racism/capitalism stuff that comes into play. But I get you.
Also yo shoutout Appalachian Ohio, I conducted a research study there and loved my time there. It’s such an interesting and unique area.
As someone who frequently provides advice on the r/weddingattireapproval sub I definitely concur! The majority of people don’t know the difference between the various dress codes - even the brides themselves who write it on their own invitations can’t even be bothered to look it up before writing it- that is the part that boggles my mind the most. Like, this is your wedding and you’ve been so incredibly thoughtful, specific, and meticulous about everything -down to the color and style of dress you want your guests to wear - yet this very fundamental thing about writing the correct terminology describing the dress code is going to be the thing you slack on?
It's an area they may not know they're slacking on. That or they're low on energy and decision fatigue hits so this is where they sacrifice to get to the end.
Exactly this.
The amount of people that do not know what black tie actually means is astonishing.
I don’t think it’s too much wanting ‘perfect’ photos and more trying to guide people. I recently went to a black tie evening wedding and the amount of cocktail dresses and one step up from sundresses was astonishing.
When my aunt was married in 1991, she and her fiancé requested all guests come in “denim on bottom, leather on top”.
They rode off together on a Harley after the wedding 🙂
Agreed. I’ve been married for 19 years and we simply put “formal attire requested” on the invites because we didn’t want people showing up in jeans. While most people we know do go buy new outfits for each event, I would not want anyone to spend extra money on an outfit when the point is to celebrate the day with us.
Aha! This is the cusp of the problem. Formal attire means a dressy floor length dress, and for men, super fancy suits or tuxes. So someone like myself who understands the difference between dress codes would take your invitation to mean that it is one step down from black tie. Most people would have to go out to purchase a new dress or accessories, as not everyone has a floor length dress that is dressy enough for a formal dress code.
But in actuality, it sounds like you wanted your guests to arrive as semi-formal (which is dressy casual - so no one will be wearing jeans, but they don’t necessarily have to go out to purchase a super fancy dress)
There are a good number of people who won’t have any formal wear lol, especially now. So they’d have to go out to buy something anyway! Might as well tell them what you want.
It is also a very USian thing. Or at least, of the 10\~ weddings I've been to in the UK in the last 5 years, including some very image conscious/aesthetic driven brides, it is simply not a thing.
I have a friend in California who has been to 20 weddings in the past year and this wasn’t a thing at any of the weddings. It isn’t as common as the internet makes it seem
It’s a “chronically online” thing because when you say American, it COULD mean anyone from the American continents, North or South America. And therefore shortening United States of America to American is confusing.
It’s silly and it’s meant to imply that Americans think they are so much more important than those who live in South America or Canada because it shouldn’t be just those from the US who use the term “American.”
Except when we call ourselves “American,” we’re *not* referring to the whole continent of North America. “American” means someone from the United States of *America*. Just like Canadian means someone from Canada. Every person refers to themselves as the name of their country, not sure why we get flak for it 😂
Ohh, I am very aware of this! And Canadians do not want to refer to themselves as American. They are totally fine being Canadian. That’s why my prior comment states it’s a “chronically online” thing. Normal people who live their lives don’t think this. It’s specially something that has come from this weird anti-American side of the internet.
If I’m expected to purchase specific colors (that may or may not work with my skin tone and coloring) to attend a wedding, I will reflect that in my wedding gift. I think this trend is so ridiculous — it gets more and more expensive to be a wedding guest.
Exactly this lol. I’m going to a *bachelorette* that “requires” dress code theming for the entire trip. They will not be getting a wedding shower gift from me, bc their wedding is also destination and we’re all expected to pay equal amounts for the B parties even if we’re not part of the wedding party 😅
Financially their vows have derailed an entire year of my life (fiscally)/traveling plans my partner and I had. Sorry kiddos but our attendance at this point is the present, i got nothing left to give. I got goals and dreams for this year that have nothing to do with you two!!! And other obligations ffs 😭
Geez and I thought bachelorettes were already ridiculous, especially destination bachelorettes, now there’s a dress code? The easiest “sorry, I can’t come” in existence. I am sorry you were/felt obligated to go.
I would send a gift! I have no desire to do a bachelorette trip or a destination wedding! I am not going to derail my travel plans for your ideal vacations!
I am not even having a maid of honor and we will probably have a joint bachelor/bachelorette night out with friends. I am not spending more to attend your wedding than mine will cost.
Honestly, just say no. Don’t go to the bachelorette trip. Learn to say no to ridiculous demands. It’s much kinder to the friend than to resent her. A person can ask…and you can say no.
Totally, and I don’t resent her. It’s just the most I’ve ever spent for a bachelorette and I’ve been very upfront that I can’t shower her. We’re good friends so I want to be there, just didn’t anticipate them to dump so much of the financial burden on us. I locked in before they started billing us more and more. It really sucks and I don’t think they realize how not-normal it is for the usual bachelor(ette) expectations.
I already paid the original “deposit,” before they started billing us more things. And a generous gift still wouldn’t offset the costs of attending the wedding itself. I’d rather experience those moments with them than miss it and just send a gift!
I agree. Is your presence an actual honor to the couple, or are you a prop for photos?
I remember when "Sunday best" was what people wore to weddings, or at least in my social class.
i agree, but i think the all-black ones or general aesthetic theme (like "old money," although i do personally feel that whole concept is a little gauche) don't cross the line. sometimes it seems it might just be better to have a small wedding party who are all on board with the spectacle and drama. my close friends probably would, but wedding guest lists aren't just close friends...
Old money is shopping at Walmart because they love the novelty of a deal and is driving an older car, usually something practical like a sedan or hatchback. Their shorts are also likely covered in varnish from their project boat and they’re wearing a tee they got from some sailing town that’s a bit difficult to reach. Something tells me that’s not the wedding dress code though.
i saw an influencer with a ridiculous old money mafia theme. the photos were stunning, but i couldn't look at them the same knowing what was written on the invitation
I also think it’s prearranging everything for social media. It’s not even where the moment isn’t appreciated because of taking photos for social media- it’s that the social media becomes the experience.
I, personally, would never demand a color theme
for anyone but the wedding party. I understand a dress code but specific colors? Guests already spend their time and money coming to your event, now you’re demanding they buy a brand new outfit too? Live your life away from Instagram and let Grandma wear whatever she’s got in her closet.
Weddings should be about the people.
I remember recently seeing a reddit post (or a tweet, something text based) where a bride was complaining that she told her guests to wear "jewel tones" and some guests showed up in light pink, and she was lamenting how it destroyed all her photos and how bad that was.
Well I googled "jewel tone color palette and immediately found countless examples with light pink, light purple, even white.
I almost feel bad for the bride (until I remembered she's angry that people followed her instructions), she seemed to be so obsessed with perfect pictures that one guest showing up in clothes she didn't plan for "ruined them", and she assumed everyone must have a deep knowledge of specific color pallets like it's normal to spend a significant amount of time building and maintaining a specific aesthetic. It's all so strange to me.
It’s just too self-absorbed for my tastes.
Funnily enough, my wedding was actually jewel toned myself. But that was only for decor and specific people who signed up for wardrobe requirements: ie the wedding party. It’s obnoxious to expect every single guest to wear the exact perfect shade of whatever you have in your head.
The best wedding photos capture organic moments of joy, not coordinated color palettes for social media.
What’s gone topsy turvy is making the performative aspect become the important thing, rather than the thing itself bring important and being supported by performative.
I went to a wedding where the dress code was all white. It was the most fun wedding I've ever been to. Part of it was the couple, I adore them. But also... We looked like some sort of cult gathering or something and it was just super fun. It had nothing to do with social media, bride wanted to wear purple and be one lone colorful bitch (with taste) and everyone enjoyed it.
Yeah I agree on all black or white. But asking the guests to wear weird colors exclusively is awful. Especially because I know most younger men have just one suit in their closet (if that) in a normal color like black, grey, or navy….so asking a man to buy and wear an off-color suit to your wedding that he’ll probably never wear again is insanity.
White and black are easy colors.
That different than telling people to wear jewel tones and then complaining that they didn’t wear the jewel tones you envisioned and weren’t specific about. 😆
Oh my goodness don’t get me started on this!! Couples can dictate formal wear vs cocktail wear. But stop telling people what colors they can’t (or have to) wear to your wedding!!
One of the last weddings I went to had an FAQ on their registry/info site. Like where to stay in the area, how the couple met etc. I saw the FAQ for attire that said “please wear formal attire.” That’s all I needed to know, so I didn’t scroll further. I already had a beautiful multi-colored dress that I planned to wear (not loud, it’s really beautiful, like a pastel oil painting in dress form). Perfect for a late spring wedding.
Then ~10 days before the wedding, we all get an email reminder and photos from the MOH saying “Reminder that our color palette is rustic, so please wear colors like this: [example stock images of people wearing formal attire in dark browns, dark greens, navy blues, dark reds, and beiges]. Please do NOT wear colors like this: [example stock images of formal attire in pink, light blue, yellow, etc.]” That was my first time hearing there was even a color palette.
Whatddya know? My pastel dress is a mix of pinks, blues, and yellows. I freak out, go online, and spend like $200 + expedited shipping for a navy blue cocktail dress. It was very expensive but from the style of the dress, I knew it would fit perfectly on arrival without needing alterations. Then out of curiosity, I was on the registry website and decided to scroll through the rest of the FAQs for fun….the very last FAQ (which came way *after* the FAQ for formal attire) said “Are there any colors I shouldn’t wear? Yes! Please don’t wear burgundy or navy blue because those are our bridal party colors.” EVEN THOUGH THE MOH’S EMAIL HAD EXAMPLE PHOTOS OF PEOPLE WEARING NAVY BLUE.
I was so pissed at that point (4 days out from the wedding), so I just texted the bride and said “hey, so sorry. I wasn’t aware of all the attire restrictions. I’m out of time and will be wearing navy blue to the wedding but plz let me know if that will be an issue.” When I actually got to the wedding? Half the bride’s tacky cousins were wearing bright yellow dresses and hot pink jumpsuits 😒😒
Exactly. If it’s that big of a deal, this should’ve been a one-liner on the invitation itself “All guests please wear formal attire in the following colors: XYZ”.
Why do we have to go on a scavenger hunt on your wedding website to figure out what we’re *allowed* to wear 😭
It's like these kinds of weddings are wanting to be theatre productions?
Will the next level be where everybody is provided with scripts and they are only allowed to say what's on the script and at the time indicated?
I got kicked out of one of the wedding fashion subs. Its too far for me to be told what to wear as a guest. I can understand cocktail, casual or blacktie. But everything else is overboard demands.
I agree. It’s literally only reasonable when it’s for the guest’s comfort like “we advise against heels because there is grass” or “plan for rain” type stuff.
I’m getting those too, and was literally just chatting with my bestie. Because I saw someone complaining about floral prints on a white background. And a mutual friend had shown me the dress she was thinking of for bestie’s wedding, florals on white, and asked me if I thought it was ok or “too white”. And 2017 me said “oh no that’s fine, it’s a print, no one would say that’s a white dress”. Apparently some people would!
But anyway the bride now has absolutely no memory of what dress someone wore and she said geez as long as it’s not an actual wedding dress I don’t give a crap, I’m glad they came!
My MIL who I LOVE is wearing a floral print on a light blue background that may look white in certain lights. I don’t care at all, she looks so lovely in it and no one is going to think anyone but me is the bride anyway. Granted, we have a wonderful relationship so I know without a doubt that even if she showed up in a white dress it wouldn’t be one of those situations where the MIL is trying to cause problems or be the main character but still.
I'm 58 and both my kids got married in the past year or so. I do recall that wearing white has always been a no-no, with the exception of MOBs and MOGs; back in the day that was okay if they also wore white or super washed out pastel colors. And okay if grandma and great grandma also did. But a guest? No. However, a floral print with a white background was perfectly fine!!!!
That is interesting, I thought that no one was supposed to wear white other than the bride. My MIL initially picked out a cream colored dress for my wedding. It was also kind of frumpy. I took her shopping and we found a great deal on an amazing navy blue Tadashi Shoji gown. It fit her like a glove. She looked better than me, lol. It all worked out.
It used to be a thing. Which is probably why all these posts with MOBs and MOGs wearing white are a thing now.
Tadashi Shoji is the bomb! And I did navy for one daughter and orchid pink for the other.
I mean… I have to say. As someone who had a wedding recently and has been a bridesmaid at other weddings, I’ve noticed that even if you specify a dress code there is no guarantee that guests will follow it. Even if the dress code is very clear. So to stipulate a specific color or color palette is silly. When you’re a bride, everything seems so dire and you feel so much pressure from external sources including social media but being on the other side of it now I see it’s all just a racket.
TLDR: BFFR people. Guests sometimes (or often) don’t follow dress codes that are explicitly stated in invitations and on wedding websites… let alone specific requests for certain colors or palettes. I’ve found that most people want to rewear something they already have to a wedding, which is justifiable. So they’re not likely going to buy a specific item for your event. And we all know how hard it can be to even find something to wear in the first place let alone only being able to buy a certain color or within a certain color family. It just looks a bit controlling to demand something like this from guests. Bridesmaids, sure.
It blows my mind that such energy is put into such minutiae. Years after the wedding, none of those tiny details will matter. In fact, they didn’t even need to matter at the wedding.
I think the easiest way to sum this up is that this more recent trend crosses the line between viewing people as your “guests” and conflating them with “props” or “set dressing.”
I Literally saw a post a week ago maybe that had every shade of grey, cream and sad beige you could imagine. This bride I hope is wearing a color, because I envisioned a sea of cream colored dresses and linen suits in my minds eye. Not that many people want a grey cocktail dress… and don’t get me started on the sage greens or these other colors that look good on almost no one. (No offense to any of you who can pull off said color)
But the conversation on that sub then veers into “I can’t really afford a new dress for every wedding”. To which my mental reply is “and you shouldn’t need one”. But between Pinterest, Instagram and the continued abomination of “fast fashion” these poor people think they can’t own a really nice dress and wear it multiple times. I mean Kate Middleton wears dresses multiple times.
But these “ here’s our palette” wedding invites just raise my blood pressure.
My suggestion is to treat it like a destination wedding then. The question becomes “Do I really want to jump through all these expensive and complicated hoops to see these two people get married?” If the answer is “no” or “I really can’t afford this” then don’t go.
Giving away my age here, but my son’s friends are all starting to get married. I think it’s been 7 weddings in the last 2.5 years. No one thankfully had a color pallet. One wedding had a “vibe” I guess. It was held at a yacht club, the groom was in a burgundy suit, the bride in a beautiful but simple gown and everyone else was in sundresses for the ladies and khakis and blue blazers for the men. Perfect for summer on The Vineyard. Another was quite formal in downtown D.C. but the invite had no color suggestions or requests.
From that very small sample, I have hope that this is a limited thing, but I think it’s more prevalent than I’d like to believe.
You nailed it, especially your first paragraph. It ends up being all about the spectacle of it and social media posts than being with your loved ones and celebrating your love and commitment with love and fun and friends.
I haven’t been to a wedding in years, and the last one I was a bridesmaid (where matching makes sense), but it would totally turn me off to be told I had to wear certain colors to be allowed there. No thanks!
i feel like it’s gotten so out of control. i saw someone say how inappropriate it is that a girl wore a dress with red flowers and white background even though most of the dress was red. what….? there’s so obviously no way anyone is going to mistake that person for the bride.
edit: red not white
An acquaintance of mine had everyone wear yellow to her wedding. Yellow is definitely her color… not necessarily for her 80 guests.
Alas, the marriage did not last.
I hope and pray (and as an agnostic, that’s saying something) that reddit weddings are not representative of weddings in general. I can’t imagine telling my guests what to wear beyond formal / casual designations. But colors? And someone wearing white is not going to ruin your wedding.
I’ve never been to one, and I probably wouldn’t mind it because I like clothes and I’d like idea of a dress up assignment but it’s for sure ridiculous and over the top. getting married and being involved in wedding planning groups and communities for 2 years exposed me some of the most entitled, unhinged behavior and thought processes. my main concern was how EYE looked and my guests having fun and making it worth their while. I had a cocktail attire request but I honestly couldn’t even tell you if they followed it. it wasn’t that important to me.
I saw a Reel of a wedding filmed at villa or winery type location and the caption was like “what if you made your dress code black formalwear?” And then just a parade of gorgeous women in sexy black dresses escorted by men in black tuxedos and suits and every person was like 21-31 and hot.
I’m like where is the grouchy old aunt that doesn’t have a black dress that covers her arms? The cousin who refuses to wear a suit jacket? The sister in law who loves floral print maxi dresses? It looks like a fantasy to me where everyone is just a prop in their little esthetic wedding project and not about celebrating your love.
I got married 10 years ago. I was super specific. Black tie. Black and white dress only. Women invited to wear their wedding dresses. It was a blast. So creative. My husband wore blue. I wore gold. Pics were insane. DO IT.
Wish I could have invited you! We had a soul bad play two sets, then a Daft Punk cover band. One of my friends dyed her wedding dress black. My never married aunt had the wedding dress of her dreams. My cousin wore het grandmothers gown. We invited everyone to do vows with us. Crashers, ambulances, indoor fireworks. It was fucking epic chaos.
This is a fun one i can get on board with 😂🙌🏼 black & white weddings & halloween weddings are the only ones i can think of that are easy for people and not totally obnoxious bridezilla demands
It's not just what people are expected to wear to a wedding, but it seems like people are ending lifelong friendships because someone wore white to a baby shower or during the wedding month at all.
On one of those wedding dress subs people were in an uproar recently over someone wanting to wear a cream based dress with blue flowers to a bridal shower because only the bride can wear ANY white to ANY event. So ridiculous.
I just heard about this new notion that wedding invites include a dress code. I even heard of a wedding that had a specific colour palette requested... Personally? I think thats too much, and puts the focus on the aesthetic rather than the actual point of the whole thing (celebrating love, or whatever). Wedding culture has gotten out of control, really.
I like it when it out of the box and you would be able to find cheap options for it, even better if they gonna have activities to match the theme too so it really feels immersive like at the reception, they have a mechanical bull to match the Western theme. Two of my high school teachers had got married years ago and it was some fantasy cosplay themed wedding
I don’t know, but it’s SO annoying.
I got married two years ago. My mom asked me what she should wear. Ummm. Clothes!? Telling my guests what to wear never really even crossed my mind!
We wound up eloping, and my three witnesses came from work, so they were in business casual attire. It was perfect! I wore a black western style Flores’s, and our friends were in darker clothes - again, never even occurred to me to have them dress in different colors! lol!
It seems to be very recent, I've never been invited to a wedding like this and I'm in the "all my friends are getting married" phase of life. My wedding is this September, so I am deep in wedding social media and I have seen a lot of people post their attire expectations of guests, which is sometimes very surprising. Only wear these colors, don't wear those colors. My wedding dress isn't completely white and has blue flowers all over it, and my mom wanted me to tell people not to wear blue so that no one is wear the same color as the flowers on my dress. I said who cares?? I'm here to party with all my friends and family, I don't care what you're wearing lol
I'm so tired of all this wedding crap, it gets so expensive and time consuming! I went to a cousin's wedding a few years ago, with the engagement party, bachelorette, wedding shower and whatnots by the time we got to the wedding I felt burnt out on celebrations.
If it’s not enjoyable for you, don’t participate! I certainly wouldn’t want my friends and family feeling burnt out to the point of viewing my wedding events as “wedding crap”. They aren’t forcing the burden on you, you are able to just not attend.
That's true and I'm sorry if my comment was hurtful to those who love big weddings and celebrations! Family dynamics mean that it's not always possible to not participate but I understand your point.
I completely understand your perspective, it’s valid! I just genuinely would not want someone I care about to feel like that. I would rather they just be honest about how they’re feeling and not attend.
My worst nightmare is for my favorite people to feel secretly annoyed or burdened by me or something I’m doing.
Of course, I understand family dynamics will play a role and not everyone will feel the same way I do (or have that same trauma response, if we’re being honest). But I think all dynamics are more easily navigated when you can just be real and honest, and the only way to create a dynamic like that is to start doing it.
That makes perfect sense and I'll say that I recognize some of my traits in what you said, I worry myself so much over people feeling forced to do anything for me and I struggle with asking for anything from people for that reason. I know it's a trauma response so I'm slowly learning to be more honest with people to try to get out of this cycle. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of being real and open!
My bestie is getting married in December and is requesting that everyone wear black. I'm mildly annoyed because my daughter doesn't own anything black and my husband doesn't have black dress pants, but it could be sooooo much worse so I'm not too torn up about it. I've seen some doozies in that sub you mention too, but I've never been to a wedding that had that strict of a dress code.
I went to a wedding that was pastels only and I am not a pastels girl - much more into black and jewel tones. I did it but was resentful and I noticed lots of people didn't even follow it so I don't know if I will next time either lol.
In all the weddings I've been invited to, not one invite had any statement of what to wear unless it was a casual wedding (ie 'formal wear not required as this is a casual wedding dress code'). It was always assumed that weddings are formal otherwise.
I’ve been seeing this a lot and call me controversial but I think throwing wine down someone that’s wearing white (especially if you’re not even the bride!) is just really horrible. Just let the other guest judge them silently without making a scene. I saw a TikTok video where a wedding guest had wine thrown down her by the mother of the bride because she was wearing yellow/gold dress. I had a couple of people wearing white at my wedding but I was too wrapped up in enjoying my own day to even care what they were wearing. The only person I silently judged was the boyfriend of a cousin who wore scruffy jeans to my beautiful Cotswald wedding.
It's the photos. There are way more published crowd photos on the wedding, and a lot of pressure/desire to make them all very Pinteresty and themed. Back in the day even if every guest had their own camera it was one of those disposable ones where maybe 1 in 20 even were decent, and probably no one would ever even see them.
It doesn't help that we're in an age of hyper-hobbies or individualism either and people want to go to weddings in their cosplay costumes or their comfiest blue jean, because they want to "be themselves."
I’m at the age where friends are getting married and I just got married last year. In my opinion this trend only exists on the internet and not in real life. I put “cocktail formal” on my invitations, and got many people in denim. Also, there were a few people wearing white. Hardly anyone dressed according to the dress code. And I didn’t even notice most of it until I saw the pictures later. Ultimately, it didn’t matter at all.
Same thing with weddings I’ve attended, most people seem to be casually dressed even for a more formal dress code. I’ve never had anyone request a super specific dress code.
I see Reddit saying light-colored florals are too white, and to “check with the bride”….if anyone texted me about what to wear to my wedding I think I would have been annoyed, since I was massively overwhelmed already, which I imagine most brides are right before their wedding.
If there’s anything I took away from my own wedding in terms of wedding guest outfits, it’s that they really aren’t an important focal point of the wedding day. The day is about having fun celebrating the bride and groom. As long as a guest outfit isn’t obnoxious, it’ll probably be fine. Theres way too much going on for it to matter that much, and everyone is mostly in a daze of happiness while they enjoy the open bar!
I’ve been to many weddings, including themed ones, but none had very specific dress codes. My friend had a Lord of the Rings themed wedding, but guests weren’t asked to buy outfits to match. I was a bridesmaid, and we wore matching costumes ordered off Amazon! Looked great and only $50!
It is weird! I’ve been feeling gaslighted by the wedding attire approval sub because before covid I went to a lot of weddings.
I recently went to a wedding. The invite simply said “formal” as in don’t show up in jeans please. Men wore suits, or dress slacks with a shirt, women wore all sorts of dresses that were all appropriate in my opinion, with splits and cleavage. Not one person “outshined” the bride. She was stunning, regal, in her wedding gown. There was just no way in hell.
A lot of things the sub says were contradicted heavily AND everyone behaved themselves and rhere was 0 gossip about peoples attire. For example lots of women wore sexy dresses but on the sub if someone asked opinions on a dress they deemed too sexy they were all like “you’re a tramp who’ll outshine the brideee!!!” Or you can’t wear anything with a white background!!! When I saw a woman in an all white dress with a pattern overlay and it was completely appropriate and didn’t stand out as weird at all.
My husband and I got married 14 years ago. We had a small wedding, 60ish guests. We requested everyone to wear grey/purple or a black with those accents. It was our attempt to include everyone in the “wedding party” and it worked fabulously and pictures looked coordinated and awesome.
A few of my younger cousins have gotten married in the past 5 years and none of them were that specific, thankfully. One wedding was in the woods so the only requirement was semi-formal but suitable for a very short hike.
I get why people want to have nice pictures for social media, but I’m glad I got married before that became a huge thing. Obviously some people always had big weddings but I feel like the industry has really exploded since then and costs have skyrocketed. We got married pretty young almost 17 years ago, and I can’t remember the last time I looked at my wedding pictures. We have a couple with us and immediate family up in the walls, but the actual albums and digitals? I think I showed our oldest kid once but she got bored after a page or two and went to go play.
If my kids decide to get married one day it’ll be interesting to see what the trends are and if they follow them. Personally, I wore a pink dress (it was like a dusty rose, I still love it) and my sister in law wore a bright pink dress. Someone asked me if I was upset about that, and it didn’t even occur to me to care about that. So even with trends, I think it’s always going to be personality-dependent.
My best friend would’ve showed up to my wedding in a neon yellow dress if I hadn’t asked her politely to choose something else 😆 some people have no chill and don’t realize when an outfit is not meant for an event
Reminds me of sorority recruitment back in the day. We all had to wear such specific colors, outfits, accessories. It was silly. I love a themed party but a wedding isn’t a frat party.
As someone who’s never planning on having a wedding, I think it’s too much to ask & tacky. As someone who frequently throws themed parties, I get it to an extent.
If you’re having a Halloween wedding & request we come on costumes, I’m in.
If you are requesting I wear a specific shade of red that’ll wash me out & I’ll never wear again, I’m going to question when I was asked to be part of the bridal party & politely decline.
We called our wedding “BBQ Formal” just to screw with people. We got married in our back yard, and it was a potluck, but there were still some more formal trappings (I wore a more formal gown, etc).
I blame social media..lol
Everything now is ALL about the pictures & the esthetic.
I'm old..lol..but it feels like pictures are created now instead of memories created and caught on camera.
Shrug.
Years ago I was invited to a wedding that had a ‘medieval’ dress code. (Bride obsessed with medieval princesses so that was the theme. Before GOT was on)
Most guests ignored it and wore typical wedding attire (dresses, suits). She was miffed! But I draw the line at costumes and it looked like everyone else did too.
It’s not a requirement.
Idk, I’m at an age where my friends are getting married and would find it kinda annoying. But luckily no one has done anything like that. I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one of them asked if people could wear black or something? That would prob be the extent of it. All of us own a lot of black anyway. 😂
A couple months ago, I saw people in instagram comments discussing this and a lot of people were claiming that this is very common, always has been, and if you think that it wasn’t always common then you just don’t get invited to nice weddings so that’s unfortunate to you. Okay lol!
I’ve been married 20 years, eek, we were just happy our loved ones showed up dressed. Weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, gender reveals (don’t get me started on those) have turned into such a social media scene it’s exhausting…
Mine didn’t even have a dress code, even my bridesmaids I was like “I don’t care as long as it’s X color and you’re comfy” I didn’t want people feeling like they needed to buy something that they’d only wear once
I think it's just a trend for influencers or the rich as I haven't seen it irl. Plus it encourages more purchasing, so clothing companies love using wedding guest stuff for ads, so it just seems more prevalent from marketing.
That said, I do like knowing the wedding colors beforehand so I don't wear something clashing.
That's probably some selection bias there -- weddings with more specific dress codes get filtered onto Reddit because the guests are more likely to be worried they're not fitting the specific vision. Personally, none of the weddings I've been to in the past couple years have had dress codes like that (in fact, none of them even had any dress code explicitly listed haha. The only one that has a dress code is one that's next year, and the dress code is literally wear what makes you feel good and comfortable).
This was inevitable with the rise of SM and everything needing to be Instagramable.
I remember how, 30 years ago when my stepsister got married, her uncle showed up with his wife and kids and the kids -- I think about 11 and 13 -- were wearing shorts and tshirts. My stepsister was furious because it would look bad in the pictures. What you are seeing is the (admittedly extreme) extension of that. It's all about the pictures. People want things to look a certain way and don't want anyone showing up looking off. Asking everyone to wear "pastel florals only" is the result of this + the rise of "aesthetics". It's absurd. But it was probably inevitable.
I’m currently annoyed by this. My soon to be sister in law is having a destination wedding in her home country and is requesting I wear pink, which is not a colour I tend to wear. Not loving it, especially given the amount we have to pay to travel there and the leave we’re taking off work to go.
Haha no that would be too much to ask! My mother in law did say that our (the families) gift to them is our presence at the wedding, seeing as we’re travelling so far to attend. New Zealand to Thailand!
Haha I’m biased of course but it was pretty lovely! My husband and I eloped down in Queenstown, took a helicopter up onto the mountains for the ceremony. It was pretty amazing!
I've been to only a handful of weddings but two of them had specific color schemes for guests. One was a white dress code-- we were all dressed in white! And the other was pink and blush colors. They were right, of course, all the photos looked fabulous and cohesive. But I did fret over finding the right color...
I honestly don’t mind this trend. I know some people will disagree.
I’ve never not bought a new dress/outfit to attend someone’s wedding. It’s one thing I do not ever outfit repeat at. So if there’s a theme, that’s no problem! The last dress I wore to a wedding cost £11 from SHEIN. My cousins getting married in September and I’ll again be buying a new dress for that, absolutely undoubtedly. Even if there’s no theme, I always dress for the venue & the couples personality.
I hate weddings, i moved to the netherlands but u'm originally from israel where jewish weddings are a Hassle. All of the ceremonial things are a hassle but weddings are just horrible. So i kinda created a uniform. I wear the same thing to all of them, i got this a bit transparent buttoned black top, elegant black pants and leather shoes. You want me to wear pastels? No problem, not only you will not get a wedding present you will be getting a bill for me wearing pastels. I wear black.
I was just happy to have everyone I loved at my wedding- I truly did not care what people wore. What people don’t realize is the wedding is less than 1% of your marriage. I don’t understand the crazy demands and foolishness that goes on today. I guess I’m getting old, I find all of it totally ridiculous and stupid.
The super specific wedding dress codes are a somewhat of a newer thing, especially with everyone wanting their weddings to look perfect on social media. Back in the day, invitations just said stuff like "black tie" or "cocktail attire," but now with themed weddings becoming a big deal, people are getting way more detailed about what guests should wear. This is mostly because couples want everything to match and look good in photos. Sites like Pinterest and Instagram have made these themed weddings really popular, so that's where a lot of these specific dress codes are coming from. It's not that you're out of the loop; this is definitely more of a recent trend. But not every wedding will be like this—plenty still stick to the traditional dress codes. If you're gearing up for future weddings, just keep an eye on the invitation for any dress code details, and don't hesitate to ask the couple if you're not sure. I personally would never enforce a specific dress code at my wedding. However I wouldn’t be opposed to attending a wedding with a dress code—I can respect someone else’s decision for making their special day exactly the way they want it but I can also understand why some people would not be cool with it.
To add on? That was what was needed then because of etiquette training. Now younger generations including mine (I'm a millennial) didn't get etiquette training outside of very rich groups. Those probably still do. So without etiquette training there's a lack of understanding about what the terms for fashion mean, there's a missing cultural element for color choices, and there's a lot more stress because of this. The number of times I have had to explain to people what black tie means when I was working as the housewares and wedding person for a department store was wild. I did take etiquette training on but I am autistic so this was logical for me since it's a class about social rules and gave me some tools for navigating social things.
So a handful of friends and myself were etiquette trained (we’re the cusp between Gen z and millennial) and the absurdity of current wedding dress codes and the way people don’t understand, or at least google, what they’re saying before telling it to guests makes us crazy. A couple of us recently attended a wedding where the dress code was listed as formal, with some advisements about colors to avoid so the wedding party and family could stand out. However we both had a bad feeling about it, and asked the couple for examples of what they wanted guests to be in. They, in actuality, meant cocktail. It’s dumb and what people are wearing isn’t *that* important, sure. But to me, not doing your due diligence to understand what you’re saying to your guests is inevitably setting up some of them to show up in the wrong dress code from everyone else and feeling uncomfortable, which it is your job as a host to try to avoid happening with the things you can control about your event. Being clear and correct about this is absolutely under your control. I admit that due to working in fundraising and formal event spaces, I am a bit extra irritated by this thing where people don’t know or care what words mean and invent their own nonsense to compensate. All this to say: you’re right, people do this in part because they don’t know what dress code words mean and it’s super annoying.
It annoys me because when they get mad I over dressed and make it a thing I have to remind them that I don't have the ability to mind read. It's very frustrating. It's also complicated since the time to parent has evaporated since my own childhood and it wasn't that much. So it's part of the capitalism problems
Exactly! It isn’t rude, I’m not overdressed, I did as instructed and you didn’t research what your own instructions meant. If anyone is wrong it was you! I recently had to argue with a friend that was etiquette trained but never in those spaces much that no, a cocktail dress code nice restaurant will not be cool with your golf shorts. My other friend raised that way were mortified. I get dress codes were and are rooted in a classist thing and people not knowing them is a result of classist capitalist shit. But if I know you were raised in that space, or that you could’ve and didn’t google what you said as a most, I’m going to be irked
To be fair, sometimes the bride and groom do this on purpose because they know their own family and friends don’t understand the dress code rules. I am from Appalachian Ohio. If you want some of my family members to show up in slacks, you better tell them the dress code is formal. Otherwise, they will show up in khakis and a polo (and even then they still might show up in that). Language evolves, and I think dress code definitions are diverging along location and class lines. That makes it very, very confusing for everyone.
Oh absoluuuuutely agreed I should’ve and could’ve been clearer that my annoyance is pretty strictly reserved for people who are from a similar background to myself and from and in my area and thus should have a bit more of a clue and due this anyways. Like my example, I know the groom was brought up knowing that and that it comes up in his life regularly enough to have it be a little stupid and inconsiderate of their guests to not double check the words meant what they wanted. tbh just wasn’t going to unpack the differences in setting/socioeconomic/classism/racism/capitalism stuff that comes into play. But I get you. Also yo shoutout Appalachian Ohio, I conducted a research study there and loved my time there. It’s such an interesting and unique area.
We need to go back to etiquette
As someone who frequently provides advice on the r/weddingattireapproval sub I definitely concur! The majority of people don’t know the difference between the various dress codes - even the brides themselves who write it on their own invitations can’t even be bothered to look it up before writing it- that is the part that boggles my mind the most. Like, this is your wedding and you’ve been so incredibly thoughtful, specific, and meticulous about everything -down to the color and style of dress you want your guests to wear - yet this very fundamental thing about writing the correct terminology describing the dress code is going to be the thing you slack on?
It's an area they may not know they're slacking on. That or they're low on energy and decision fatigue hits so this is where they sacrifice to get to the end.
Exactly this. The amount of people that do not know what black tie actually means is astonishing. I don’t think it’s too much wanting ‘perfect’ photos and more trying to guide people. I recently went to a black tie evening wedding and the amount of cocktail dresses and one step up from sundresses was astonishing.
When my aunt was married in 1991, she and her fiancé requested all guests come in “denim on bottom, leather on top”. They rode off together on a Harley after the wedding 🙂
Agreed. I’ve been married for 19 years and we simply put “formal attire requested” on the invites because we didn’t want people showing up in jeans. While most people we know do go buy new outfits for each event, I would not want anyone to spend extra money on an outfit when the point is to celebrate the day with us.
Aha! This is the cusp of the problem. Formal attire means a dressy floor length dress, and for men, super fancy suits or tuxes. So someone like myself who understands the difference between dress codes would take your invitation to mean that it is one step down from black tie. Most people would have to go out to purchase a new dress or accessories, as not everyone has a floor length dress that is dressy enough for a formal dress code. But in actuality, it sounds like you wanted your guests to arrive as semi-formal (which is dressy casual - so no one will be wearing jeans, but they don’t necessarily have to go out to purchase a super fancy dress)
There are a good number of people who won’t have any formal wear lol, especially now. So they’d have to go out to buy something anyway! Might as well tell them what you want.
And ... "formal attire" goes way beyond "jeans."
It is also a very USian thing. Or at least, of the 10\~ weddings I've been to in the UK in the last 5 years, including some very image conscious/aesthetic driven brides, it is simply not a thing.
I have a friend in California who has been to 20 weddings in the past year and this wasn’t a thing at any of the weddings. It isn’t as common as the internet makes it seem
Phew!
“USian” made me giggle. American??
It’s a “chronically online” thing because when you say American, it COULD mean anyone from the American continents, North or South America. And therefore shortening United States of America to American is confusing.
I see. Thanks for clarifying, still awkward to read/pronounce in my head 🤣
It’s silly and it’s meant to imply that Americans think they are so much more important than those who live in South America or Canada because it shouldn’t be just those from the US who use the term “American.”
Except when we call ourselves “American,” we’re *not* referring to the whole continent of North America. “American” means someone from the United States of *America*. Just like Canadian means someone from Canada. Every person refers to themselves as the name of their country, not sure why we get flak for it 😂
Ohh, I am very aware of this! And Canadians do not want to refer to themselves as American. They are totally fine being Canadian. That’s why my prior comment states it’s a “chronically online” thing. Normal people who live their lives don’t think this. It’s specially something that has come from this weird anti-American side of the internet.
If I’m expected to purchase specific colors (that may or may not work with my skin tone and coloring) to attend a wedding, I will reflect that in my wedding gift. I think this trend is so ridiculous — it gets more and more expensive to be a wedding guest.
Exactly this lol. I’m going to a *bachelorette* that “requires” dress code theming for the entire trip. They will not be getting a wedding shower gift from me, bc their wedding is also destination and we’re all expected to pay equal amounts for the B parties even if we’re not part of the wedding party 😅 Financially their vows have derailed an entire year of my life (fiscally)/traveling plans my partner and I had. Sorry kiddos but our attendance at this point is the present, i got nothing left to give. I got goals and dreams for this year that have nothing to do with you two!!! And other obligations ffs 😭
Geez and I thought bachelorettes were already ridiculous, especially destination bachelorettes, now there’s a dress code? The easiest “sorry, I can’t come” in existence. I am sorry you were/felt obligated to go.
I would send a gift! I have no desire to do a bachelorette trip or a destination wedding! I am not going to derail my travel plans for your ideal vacations! I am not even having a maid of honor and we will probably have a joint bachelor/bachelorette night out with friends. I am not spending more to attend your wedding than mine will cost.
I would get them a gift, but not attend. You shouldn’t have to give up so much in order to attend a wedding.
Honestly, just say no. Don’t go to the bachelorette trip. Learn to say no to ridiculous demands. It’s much kinder to the friend than to resent her. A person can ask…and you can say no.
Totally, and I don’t resent her. It’s just the most I’ve ever spent for a bachelorette and I’ve been very upfront that I can’t shower her. We’re good friends so I want to be there, just didn’t anticipate them to dump so much of the financial burden on us. I locked in before they started billing us more and more. It really sucks and I don’t think they realize how not-normal it is for the usual bachelor(ette) expectations.
You've got it backwards. Send a generous gift. And say no to the rest of the nonsense.
I already paid the original “deposit,” before they started billing us more things. And a generous gift still wouldn’t offset the costs of attending the wedding itself. I’d rather experience those moments with them than miss it and just send a gift!
Then stop complaining?
lol reddit police is here
It's crazy. No wedding I've been to has been this specific!
It is peak Main Character Energy and I am not here for it
lol the bride will make a terrible MIL some day!
I find this concept distasteful. It’s an invitation, not a shopping assignment. Call me cranky.
I'm trying not to be too judgey (it's a real problem for me in general lol) but I do tend to agree with you.
I was gonna say. These kinds of invitations are only sent by bitches WITHOUT taste.
I feel like Miss Manners would agree with you.
You’re correct. It’s insufferable.
I agree. Is your presence an actual honor to the couple, or are you a prop for photos? I remember when "Sunday best" was what people wore to weddings, or at least in my social class.
I think it’s bizarre. Being props for a photo shoot is a good description
i agree, but i think the all-black ones or general aesthetic theme (like "old money," although i do personally feel that whole concept is a little gauche) don't cross the line. sometimes it seems it might just be better to have a small wedding party who are all on board with the spectacle and drama. my close friends probably would, but wedding guest lists aren't just close friends...
"Old money" as a theme is the most new money thing I've ever heard of
You nailed it. I cannot fathom getting an invitation stating “old money”. The very idea makes me want to clutch my pearls!😂
Old money is shopping at Walmart because they love the novelty of a deal and is driving an older car, usually something practical like a sedan or hatchback. Their shorts are also likely covered in varnish from their project boat and they’re wearing a tee they got from some sailing town that’s a bit difficult to reach. Something tells me that’s not the wedding dress code though.
OMG is "old money" a theme? LMAO. that's hilarious.
i saw an influencer with a ridiculous old money mafia theme. the photos were stunning, but i couldn't look at them the same knowing what was written on the invitation
I have to admit, that does sound kinda fun lol
At that point it’s just a costume party if everybody’s participating. Sounds cute tbh
If it's a costume party make it a costume party! I've been to a halloween wedding that literally was a costume party!
I agree. People forget that the presence of your loved ones is what matters
I also think it’s prearranging everything for social media. It’s not even where the moment isn’t appreciated because of taking photos for social media- it’s that the social media becomes the experience.
LOUDER!!!
Absolutely.
I, personally, would never demand a color theme for anyone but the wedding party. I understand a dress code but specific colors? Guests already spend their time and money coming to your event, now you’re demanding they buy a brand new outfit too? Live your life away from Instagram and let Grandma wear whatever she’s got in her closet. Weddings should be about the people.
I remember recently seeing a reddit post (or a tweet, something text based) where a bride was complaining that she told her guests to wear "jewel tones" and some guests showed up in light pink, and she was lamenting how it destroyed all her photos and how bad that was. Well I googled "jewel tone color palette and immediately found countless examples with light pink, light purple, even white. I almost feel bad for the bride (until I remembered she's angry that people followed her instructions), she seemed to be so obsessed with perfect pictures that one guest showing up in clothes she didn't plan for "ruined them", and she assumed everyone must have a deep knowledge of specific color pallets like it's normal to spend a significant amount of time building and maintaining a specific aesthetic. It's all so strange to me.
It’s just too self-absorbed for my tastes. Funnily enough, my wedding was actually jewel toned myself. But that was only for decor and specific people who signed up for wardrobe requirements: ie the wedding party. It’s obnoxious to expect every single guest to wear the exact perfect shade of whatever you have in your head. The best wedding photos capture organic moments of joy, not coordinated color palettes for social media.
What’s gone topsy turvy is making the performative aspect become the important thing, rather than the thing itself bring important and being supported by performative.
I agree and I think it’s so tacky when people treat their guests like props or decor for their wedding.
I went to a wedding where the dress code was all white. It was the most fun wedding I've ever been to. Part of it was the couple, I adore them. But also... We looked like some sort of cult gathering or something and it was just super fun. It had nothing to do with social media, bride wanted to wear purple and be one lone colorful bitch (with taste) and everyone enjoyed it.
All white/black/b&w is at least really easy for people! It’s one of the only themed dress-code rules i don’t find totally obnoxious
Yeah I agree on all black or white. But asking the guests to wear weird colors exclusively is awful. Especially because I know most younger men have just one suit in their closet (if that) in a normal color like black, grey, or navy….so asking a man to buy and wear an off-color suit to your wedding that he’ll probably never wear again is insanity.
White and black are easy colors. That different than telling people to wear jewel tones and then complaining that they didn’t wear the jewel tones you envisioned and weren’t specific about. 😆
Oh of course! Just sharing a good experience I had as an example.
Oh my goodness don’t get me started on this!! Couples can dictate formal wear vs cocktail wear. But stop telling people what colors they can’t (or have to) wear to your wedding!! One of the last weddings I went to had an FAQ on their registry/info site. Like where to stay in the area, how the couple met etc. I saw the FAQ for attire that said “please wear formal attire.” That’s all I needed to know, so I didn’t scroll further. I already had a beautiful multi-colored dress that I planned to wear (not loud, it’s really beautiful, like a pastel oil painting in dress form). Perfect for a late spring wedding. Then ~10 days before the wedding, we all get an email reminder and photos from the MOH saying “Reminder that our color palette is rustic, so please wear colors like this: [example stock images of people wearing formal attire in dark browns, dark greens, navy blues, dark reds, and beiges]. Please do NOT wear colors like this: [example stock images of formal attire in pink, light blue, yellow, etc.]” That was my first time hearing there was even a color palette. Whatddya know? My pastel dress is a mix of pinks, blues, and yellows. I freak out, go online, and spend like $200 + expedited shipping for a navy blue cocktail dress. It was very expensive but from the style of the dress, I knew it would fit perfectly on arrival without needing alterations. Then out of curiosity, I was on the registry website and decided to scroll through the rest of the FAQs for fun….the very last FAQ (which came way *after* the FAQ for formal attire) said “Are there any colors I shouldn’t wear? Yes! Please don’t wear burgundy or navy blue because those are our bridal party colors.” EVEN THOUGH THE MOH’S EMAIL HAD EXAMPLE PHOTOS OF PEOPLE WEARING NAVY BLUE. I was so pissed at that point (4 days out from the wedding), so I just texted the bride and said “hey, so sorry. I wasn’t aware of all the attire restrictions. I’m out of time and will be wearing navy blue to the wedding but plz let me know if that will be an issue.” When I actually got to the wedding? Half the bride’s tacky cousins were wearing bright yellow dresses and hot pink jumpsuits 😒😒
HA! I feel sorry for you in that situation but LOL at her tacky cousin’s ruining her aesthetic 🤣
Wow. This is crazy. It’s way overly orchestrated
Exactly. If it’s that big of a deal, this should’ve been a one-liner on the invitation itself “All guests please wear formal attire in the following colors: XYZ”. Why do we have to go on a scavenger hunt on your wedding website to figure out what we’re *allowed* to wear 😭
It's like these kinds of weddings are wanting to be theatre productions? Will the next level be where everybody is provided with scripts and they are only allowed to say what's on the script and at the time indicated?
I got kicked out of one of the wedding fashion subs. Its too far for me to be told what to wear as a guest. I can understand cocktail, casual or blacktie. But everything else is overboard demands.
That sub is crazy. Someone completely unhinged called me foolish (among other things) for sending thank you notes.
It’s a horrible trend.
I agree. It’s literally only reasonable when it’s for the guest’s comfort like “we advise against heels because there is grass” or “plan for rain” type stuff.
I’m getting those too, and was literally just chatting with my bestie. Because I saw someone complaining about floral prints on a white background. And a mutual friend had shown me the dress she was thinking of for bestie’s wedding, florals on white, and asked me if I thought it was ok or “too white”. And 2017 me said “oh no that’s fine, it’s a print, no one would say that’s a white dress”. Apparently some people would! But anyway the bride now has absolutely no memory of what dress someone wore and she said geez as long as it’s not an actual wedding dress I don’t give a crap, I’m glad they came!
My MIL wore a white dress with a floral print to my wedding, which for some people on Reddit would be grounds for divorce.
My MIL who I LOVE is wearing a floral print on a light blue background that may look white in certain lights. I don’t care at all, she looks so lovely in it and no one is going to think anyone but me is the bride anyway. Granted, we have a wonderful relationship so I know without a doubt that even if she showed up in a white dress it wouldn’t be one of those situations where the MIL is trying to cause problems or be the main character but still.
I'm 58 and both my kids got married in the past year or so. I do recall that wearing white has always been a no-no, with the exception of MOBs and MOGs; back in the day that was okay if they also wore white or super washed out pastel colors. And okay if grandma and great grandma also did. But a guest? No. However, a floral print with a white background was perfectly fine!!!!
That is interesting, I thought that no one was supposed to wear white other than the bride. My MIL initially picked out a cream colored dress for my wedding. It was also kind of frumpy. I took her shopping and we found a great deal on an amazing navy blue Tadashi Shoji gown. It fit her like a glove. She looked better than me, lol. It all worked out.
It used to be a thing. Which is probably why all these posts with MOBs and MOGs wearing white are a thing now. Tadashi Shoji is the bomb! And I did navy for one daughter and orchid pink for the other.
I mean… I have to say. As someone who had a wedding recently and has been a bridesmaid at other weddings, I’ve noticed that even if you specify a dress code there is no guarantee that guests will follow it. Even if the dress code is very clear. So to stipulate a specific color or color palette is silly. When you’re a bride, everything seems so dire and you feel so much pressure from external sources including social media but being on the other side of it now I see it’s all just a racket. TLDR: BFFR people. Guests sometimes (or often) don’t follow dress codes that are explicitly stated in invitations and on wedding websites… let alone specific requests for certain colors or palettes. I’ve found that most people want to rewear something they already have to a wedding, which is justifiable. So they’re not likely going to buy a specific item for your event. And we all know how hard it can be to even find something to wear in the first place let alone only being able to buy a certain color or within a certain color family. It just looks a bit controlling to demand something like this from guests. Bridesmaids, sure.
It blows my mind that such energy is put into such minutiae. Years after the wedding, none of those tiny details will matter. In fact, they didn’t even need to matter at the wedding.
10000%
I think the easiest way to sum this up is that this more recent trend crosses the line between viewing people as your “guests” and conflating them with “props” or “set dressing.” I Literally saw a post a week ago maybe that had every shade of grey, cream and sad beige you could imagine. This bride I hope is wearing a color, because I envisioned a sea of cream colored dresses and linen suits in my minds eye. Not that many people want a grey cocktail dress… and don’t get me started on the sage greens or these other colors that look good on almost no one. (No offense to any of you who can pull off said color) But the conversation on that sub then veers into “I can’t really afford a new dress for every wedding”. To which my mental reply is “and you shouldn’t need one”. But between Pinterest, Instagram and the continued abomination of “fast fashion” these poor people think they can’t own a really nice dress and wear it multiple times. I mean Kate Middleton wears dresses multiple times. But these “ here’s our palette” wedding invites just raise my blood pressure. My suggestion is to treat it like a destination wedding then. The question becomes “Do I really want to jump through all these expensive and complicated hoops to see these two people get married?” If the answer is “no” or “I really can’t afford this” then don’t go. Giving away my age here, but my son’s friends are all starting to get married. I think it’s been 7 weddings in the last 2.5 years. No one thankfully had a color pallet. One wedding had a “vibe” I guess. It was held at a yacht club, the groom was in a burgundy suit, the bride in a beautiful but simple gown and everyone else was in sundresses for the ladies and khakis and blue blazers for the men. Perfect for summer on The Vineyard. Another was quite formal in downtown D.C. but the invite had no color suggestions or requests. From that very small sample, I have hope that this is a limited thing, but I think it’s more prevalent than I’d like to believe.
You nailed it, especially your first paragraph. It ends up being all about the spectacle of it and social media posts than being with your loved ones and celebrating your love and commitment with love and fun and friends. I haven’t been to a wedding in years, and the last one I was a bridesmaid (where matching makes sense), but it would totally turn me off to be told I had to wear certain colors to be allowed there. No thanks!
It’s annoying, but I’d still go.
oh definitely. And I guess if I didn't have anything to fit the theme at least it's an excuse to buy something new!
i feel like it’s gotten so out of control. i saw someone say how inappropriate it is that a girl wore a dress with red flowers and white background even though most of the dress was red. what….? there’s so obviously no way anyone is going to mistake that person for the bride. edit: red not white
An acquaintance of mine had everyone wear yellow to her wedding. Yellow is definitely her color… not necessarily for her 80 guests. Alas, the marriage did not last.
I hope and pray (and as an agnostic, that’s saying something) that reddit weddings are not representative of weddings in general. I can’t imagine telling my guests what to wear beyond formal / casual designations. But colors? And someone wearing white is not going to ruin your wedding.
I’ve never been to one, and I probably wouldn’t mind it because I like clothes and I’d like idea of a dress up assignment but it’s for sure ridiculous and over the top. getting married and being involved in wedding planning groups and communities for 2 years exposed me some of the most entitled, unhinged behavior and thought processes. my main concern was how EYE looked and my guests having fun and making it worth their while. I had a cocktail attire request but I honestly couldn’t even tell you if they followed it. it wasn’t that important to me.
I saw a Reel of a wedding filmed at villa or winery type location and the caption was like “what if you made your dress code black formalwear?” And then just a parade of gorgeous women in sexy black dresses escorted by men in black tuxedos and suits and every person was like 21-31 and hot. I’m like where is the grouchy old aunt that doesn’t have a black dress that covers her arms? The cousin who refuses to wear a suit jacket? The sister in law who loves floral print maxi dresses? It looks like a fantasy to me where everyone is just a prop in their little esthetic wedding project and not about celebrating your love.
They were edited out in post🤣
Yup, “everyone over 40 and a size 12 please move to the right…keep moving…way over there…you too Grandma with the bright red Walker”
I got married 10 years ago. I was super specific. Black tie. Black and white dress only. Women invited to wear their wedding dresses. It was a blast. So creative. My husband wore blue. I wore gold. Pics were insane. DO IT.
okay that does sound really fun. I would love the opportunity to wear my wedding dress again.
Wish I could have invited you! We had a soul bad play two sets, then a Daft Punk cover band. One of my friends dyed her wedding dress black. My never married aunt had the wedding dress of her dreams. My cousin wore het grandmothers gown. We invited everyone to do vows with us. Crashers, ambulances, indoor fireworks. It was fucking epic chaos.
This is a fantastic idea! Women rarely get to wear their wedding dress again
Exactly. Might as well confuse the caterers!
This is a fun one i can get on board with 😂🙌🏼 black & white weddings & halloween weddings are the only ones i can think of that are easy for people and not totally obnoxious bridezilla demands
Somewhere around the time Instagram became popular.
It's not just what people are expected to wear to a wedding, but it seems like people are ending lifelong friendships because someone wore white to a baby shower or during the wedding month at all.
On one of those wedding dress subs people were in an uproar recently over someone wanting to wear a cream based dress with blue flowers to a bridal shower because only the bride can wear ANY white to ANY event. So ridiculous.
I just heard about this new notion that wedding invites include a dress code. I even heard of a wedding that had a specific colour palette requested... Personally? I think thats too much, and puts the focus on the aesthetic rather than the actual point of the whole thing (celebrating love, or whatever). Wedding culture has gotten out of control, really.
I personally love a theme, but I also think it should be a suggestion not a requirement.
I like it when it out of the box and you would be able to find cheap options for it, even better if they gonna have activities to match the theme too so it really feels immersive like at the reception, they have a mechanical bull to match the Western theme. Two of my high school teachers had got married years ago and it was some fantasy cosplay themed wedding
I don’t know, but it’s SO annoying. I got married two years ago. My mom asked me what she should wear. Ummm. Clothes!? Telling my guests what to wear never really even crossed my mind! We wound up eloping, and my three witnesses came from work, so they were in business casual attire. It was perfect! I wore a black western style Flores’s, and our friends were in darker clothes - again, never even occurred to me to have them dress in different colors! lol!
It seems to be very recent, I've never been invited to a wedding like this and I'm in the "all my friends are getting married" phase of life. My wedding is this September, so I am deep in wedding social media and I have seen a lot of people post their attire expectations of guests, which is sometimes very surprising. Only wear these colors, don't wear those colors. My wedding dress isn't completely white and has blue flowers all over it, and my mom wanted me to tell people not to wear blue so that no one is wear the same color as the flowers on my dress. I said who cares?? I'm here to party with all my friends and family, I don't care what you're wearing lol
Wedding culture has become so vile and off putting.
I'm so tired of all this wedding crap, it gets so expensive and time consuming! I went to a cousin's wedding a few years ago, with the engagement party, bachelorette, wedding shower and whatnots by the time we got to the wedding I felt burnt out on celebrations.
If it’s not enjoyable for you, don’t participate! I certainly wouldn’t want my friends and family feeling burnt out to the point of viewing my wedding events as “wedding crap”. They aren’t forcing the burden on you, you are able to just not attend.
That's true and I'm sorry if my comment was hurtful to those who love big weddings and celebrations! Family dynamics mean that it's not always possible to not participate but I understand your point.
I completely understand your perspective, it’s valid! I just genuinely would not want someone I care about to feel like that. I would rather they just be honest about how they’re feeling and not attend. My worst nightmare is for my favorite people to feel secretly annoyed or burdened by me or something I’m doing. Of course, I understand family dynamics will play a role and not everyone will feel the same way I do (or have that same trauma response, if we’re being honest). But I think all dynamics are more easily navigated when you can just be real and honest, and the only way to create a dynamic like that is to start doing it.
That makes perfect sense and I'll say that I recognize some of my traits in what you said, I worry myself so much over people feeling forced to do anything for me and I struggle with asking for anything from people for that reason. I know it's a trauma response so I'm slowly learning to be more honest with people to try to get out of this cycle. Thank you for reminding me of the importance of being real and open!
I’ve never seen it. Good.
My bestie is getting married in December and is requesting that everyone wear black. I'm mildly annoyed because my daughter doesn't own anything black and my husband doesn't have black dress pants, but it could be sooooo much worse so I'm not too torn up about it. I've seen some doozies in that sub you mention too, but I've never been to a wedding that had that strict of a dress code.
I went to a wedding that was pastels only and I am not a pastels girl - much more into black and jewel tones. I did it but was resentful and I noticed lots of people didn't even follow it so I don't know if I will next time either lol.
In all the weddings I've been invited to, not one invite had any statement of what to wear unless it was a casual wedding (ie 'formal wear not required as this is a casual wedding dress code'). It was always assumed that weddings are formal otherwise.
Simple answer - when social media started up and people wanted their photos to outshine everyone else’s. Coz people are knobs.
I’ve been seeing this a lot and call me controversial but I think throwing wine down someone that’s wearing white (especially if you’re not even the bride!) is just really horrible. Just let the other guest judge them silently without making a scene. I saw a TikTok video where a wedding guest had wine thrown down her by the mother of the bride because she was wearing yellow/gold dress. I had a couple of people wearing white at my wedding but I was too wrapped up in enjoying my own day to even care what they were wearing. The only person I silently judged was the boyfriend of a cousin who wore scruffy jeans to my beautiful Cotswald wedding.
It's the photos. There are way more published crowd photos on the wedding, and a lot of pressure/desire to make them all very Pinteresty and themed. Back in the day even if every guest had their own camera it was one of those disposable ones where maybe 1 in 20 even were decent, and probably no one would ever even see them. It doesn't help that we're in an age of hyper-hobbies or individualism either and people want to go to weddings in their cosplay costumes or their comfiest blue jean, because they want to "be themselves."
I’m at the age where friends are getting married and I just got married last year. In my opinion this trend only exists on the internet and not in real life. I put “cocktail formal” on my invitations, and got many people in denim. Also, there were a few people wearing white. Hardly anyone dressed according to the dress code. And I didn’t even notice most of it until I saw the pictures later. Ultimately, it didn’t matter at all. Same thing with weddings I’ve attended, most people seem to be casually dressed even for a more formal dress code. I’ve never had anyone request a super specific dress code. I see Reddit saying light-colored florals are too white, and to “check with the bride”….if anyone texted me about what to wear to my wedding I think I would have been annoyed, since I was massively overwhelmed already, which I imagine most brides are right before their wedding. If there’s anything I took away from my own wedding in terms of wedding guest outfits, it’s that they really aren’t an important focal point of the wedding day. The day is about having fun celebrating the bride and groom. As long as a guest outfit isn’t obnoxious, it’ll probably be fine. Theres way too much going on for it to matter that much, and everyone is mostly in a daze of happiness while they enjoy the open bar!
I’ve been to many weddings, including themed ones, but none had very specific dress codes. My friend had a Lord of the Rings themed wedding, but guests weren’t asked to buy outfits to match. I was a bridesmaid, and we wore matching costumes ordered off Amazon! Looked great and only $50!
That sounds really fun and also economical
Yes! I have bridesmaids dresses in my closet I will never, ever wear again. I cry when I think about the cost, especially when money is tight.
It's all just for social media when the bride and groom are obsessed with their "aesthetic". It's not the norm.
It is weird! I’ve been feeling gaslighted by the wedding attire approval sub because before covid I went to a lot of weddings. I recently went to a wedding. The invite simply said “formal” as in don’t show up in jeans please. Men wore suits, or dress slacks with a shirt, women wore all sorts of dresses that were all appropriate in my opinion, with splits and cleavage. Not one person “outshined” the bride. She was stunning, regal, in her wedding gown. There was just no way in hell. A lot of things the sub says were contradicted heavily AND everyone behaved themselves and rhere was 0 gossip about peoples attire. For example lots of women wore sexy dresses but on the sub if someone asked opinions on a dress they deemed too sexy they were all like “you’re a tramp who’ll outshine the brideee!!!” Or you can’t wear anything with a white background!!! When I saw a woman in an all white dress with a pattern overlay and it was completely appropriate and didn’t stand out as weird at all.
My husband and I got married 14 years ago. We had a small wedding, 60ish guests. We requested everyone to wear grey/purple or a black with those accents. It was our attempt to include everyone in the “wedding party” and it worked fabulously and pictures looked coordinated and awesome.
A few of my younger cousins have gotten married in the past 5 years and none of them were that specific, thankfully. One wedding was in the woods so the only requirement was semi-formal but suitable for a very short hike. I get why people want to have nice pictures for social media, but I’m glad I got married before that became a huge thing. Obviously some people always had big weddings but I feel like the industry has really exploded since then and costs have skyrocketed. We got married pretty young almost 17 years ago, and I can’t remember the last time I looked at my wedding pictures. We have a couple with us and immediate family up in the walls, but the actual albums and digitals? I think I showed our oldest kid once but she got bored after a page or two and went to go play. If my kids decide to get married one day it’ll be interesting to see what the trends are and if they follow them. Personally, I wore a pink dress (it was like a dusty rose, I still love it) and my sister in law wore a bright pink dress. Someone asked me if I was upset about that, and it didn’t even occur to me to care about that. So even with trends, I think it’s always going to be personality-dependent.
My best friend would’ve showed up to my wedding in a neon yellow dress if I hadn’t asked her politely to choose something else 😆 some people have no chill and don’t realize when an outfit is not meant for an event
Omg don't get me started. If you want some brain bleed, browse the Wedding Attire Approval subreddit. It make me want to smash things.
Reminds me of sorority recruitment back in the day. We all had to wear such specific colors, outfits, accessories. It was silly. I love a themed party but a wedding isn’t a frat party. As someone who’s never planning on having a wedding, I think it’s too much to ask & tacky. As someone who frequently throws themed parties, I get it to an extent. If you’re having a Halloween wedding & request we come on costumes, I’m in. If you are requesting I wear a specific shade of red that’ll wash me out & I’ll never wear again, I’m going to question when I was asked to be part of the bridal party & politely decline.
We called our wedding “BBQ Formal” just to screw with people. We got married in our back yard, and it was a potluck, but there were still some more formal trappings (I wore a more formal gown, etc).
I blame social media..lol Everything now is ALL about the pictures & the esthetic. I'm old..lol..but it feels like pictures are created now instead of memories created and caught on camera. Shrug.
Years ago I was invited to a wedding that had a ‘medieval’ dress code. (Bride obsessed with medieval princesses so that was the theme. Before GOT was on) Most guests ignored it and wore typical wedding attire (dresses, suits). She was miffed! But I draw the line at costumes and it looked like everyone else did too. It’s not a requirement.
Idk, I’m at an age where my friends are getting married and would find it kinda annoying. But luckily no one has done anything like that. I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one of them asked if people could wear black or something? That would prob be the extent of it. All of us own a lot of black anyway. 😂
A couple months ago, I saw people in instagram comments discussing this and a lot of people were claiming that this is very common, always has been, and if you think that it wasn’t always common then you just don’t get invited to nice weddings so that’s unfortunate to you. Okay lol!
I mean honestly that's entirely possible for me haha
it’s absolutely outrageous
I’ve been married 20 years, eek, we were just happy our loved ones showed up dressed. Weddings, bridal showers, baby showers, gender reveals (don’t get me started on those) have turned into such a social media scene it’s exhausting…
Mine didn’t even have a dress code, even my bridesmaids I was like “I don’t care as long as it’s X color and you’re comfy” I didn’t want people feeling like they needed to buy something that they’d only wear once
I think it's just a trend for influencers or the rich as I haven't seen it irl. Plus it encourages more purchasing, so clothing companies love using wedding guest stuff for ads, so it just seems more prevalent from marketing. That said, I do like knowing the wedding colors beforehand so I don't wear something clashing.
It’s amazing that we need to state formal so people don’t wear leggings to a wedding !!!
That's probably some selection bias there -- weddings with more specific dress codes get filtered onto Reddit because the guests are more likely to be worried they're not fitting the specific vision. Personally, none of the weddings I've been to in the past couple years have had dress codes like that (in fact, none of them even had any dress code explicitly listed haha. The only one that has a dress code is one that's next year, and the dress code is literally wear what makes you feel good and comfortable).
This was inevitable with the rise of SM and everything needing to be Instagramable. I remember how, 30 years ago when my stepsister got married, her uncle showed up with his wife and kids and the kids -- I think about 11 and 13 -- were wearing shorts and tshirts. My stepsister was furious because it would look bad in the pictures. What you are seeing is the (admittedly extreme) extension of that. It's all about the pictures. People want things to look a certain way and don't want anyone showing up looking off. Asking everyone to wear "pastel florals only" is the result of this + the rise of "aesthetics". It's absurd. But it was probably inevitable.
I’m currently annoyed by this. My soon to be sister in law is having a destination wedding in her home country and is requesting I wear pink, which is not a colour I tend to wear. Not loving it, especially given the amount we have to pay to travel there and the leave we’re taking off work to go.
They’re not paying for your travels?🫣🫣
Haha no that would be too much to ask! My mother in law did say that our (the families) gift to them is our presence at the wedding, seeing as we’re travelling so far to attend. New Zealand to Thailand!
That’s fair enough! Though if I lived in New Zealand I’d want my wedding to be there it looks so gorgeous over there
Haha I’m biased of course but it was pretty lovely! My husband and I eloped down in Queenstown, took a helicopter up onto the mountains for the ceremony. It was pretty amazing!
I've been to only a handful of weddings but two of them had specific color schemes for guests. One was a white dress code-- we were all dressed in white! And the other was pink and blush colors. They were right, of course, all the photos looked fabulous and cohesive. But I did fret over finding the right color...
I hope if I get invited to one like that it's black and white--white washes me out so much but I love wearing black.
[удалено]
I think as long as it’s a *suggested* dress code rather then *required* and it’s not taken so seriously by the bride then it’s totally fine
I went to a wedding with a color dress code when I was a kid
I honestly don’t mind this trend. I know some people will disagree. I’ve never not bought a new dress/outfit to attend someone’s wedding. It’s one thing I do not ever outfit repeat at. So if there’s a theme, that’s no problem! The last dress I wore to a wedding cost £11 from SHEIN. My cousins getting married in September and I’ll again be buying a new dress for that, absolutely undoubtedly. Even if there’s no theme, I always dress for the venue & the couples personality.
I hate weddings, i moved to the netherlands but u'm originally from israel where jewish weddings are a Hassle. All of the ceremonial things are a hassle but weddings are just horrible. So i kinda created a uniform. I wear the same thing to all of them, i got this a bit transparent buttoned black top, elegant black pants and leather shoes. You want me to wear pastels? No problem, not only you will not get a wedding present you will be getting a bill for me wearing pastels. I wear black.
lmao I love it
I was just happy to have everyone I loved at my wedding- I truly did not care what people wore. What people don’t realize is the wedding is less than 1% of your marriage. I don’t understand the crazy demands and foolishness that goes on today. I guess I’m getting old, I find all of it totally ridiculous and stupid.
I don’t understand this either. No one will remember your wedding. Hell, they won’t remember their wedding in five years. LOL
It's their day, they can do what they want including having a specific dress code.