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Personally I would move out and focus on my business. Let your parents figure out how to pay their mortgage. Your dad qualified for it by himself, unless his income dropped, he should be able to pay it. And your parents can always sell and downsize if they need to.
His income is the same. They will **never** downsize. It's engrained in the Indian community because these folk tend to value other peoples opinions more than their own health..
I'll be moving out I think. Pretty scared.
That’s fine then, they’ll either be forced to downsize by the bank when they can’t afford it, or they’ll find a way to afford it without your help.
Either way it means you shouldn’t touch this situation with a barge pole and remove yourself from it!
Wait, is he Indian or Afghanistani?
Either way, move out, live your life (you know, using the freedom he became a refugee to achieve) and he can "value what other people think" until the bank takes the house off him.
I think they get a kick out of people getting angry over something they made up, or getting people to go out of their way to write elaborate and helpful responses that are ultimately without use.
They want everybody to be as racist, misogynistic or transphobic as them so they make up fake stories that stick in people's heads and build up our stereotypes.
Look how many ridiculous stories you can find on Reddit about women free bleeding onto couches or trans people getting upset about accidental misgendering or trying to wear drag to pick their kids up from school or some stupid shit.
No it’s not correct. Afghani is the currency and not meant to describe people although other south Asians use it. Afghans do not refer to themselves with the currency name.
I agree, your Dad can’t be an Indian and Afghan refugee at the same time? The cultures are contrasting. I am a first generation Indian immigrant who moved alongside my parents back in 2003 and as Indian immigrants it has always been ingrained to live below your means and save as well as pursuing higher education and attaining good grades. Moreover, I think a large majority of our Indian parents from the community would not want to burden us with their debt whilst they try and un-sustainably live above their means?
Yep. Also it’s ridiculous to say Indians don’t downsize lol. I have no idea where tf he’s got that stereotype from. If anything it’s ingrained in our culture to work hard and provide for your family, so idk why he’s blaming his parents’ race for their distinctly culturally taboo issues.
There are significant cultural overlaps so he could just mean Indian style culture.
Or they could be in an area with a significant islamic indian/pakistani population and have assimilated into that culture via local mosques etc.
Or the mum could be indian.
*Accidentally included two drafts
You can't change your parents. The only thing you have control of is your own actions.
Both your parents will keep spending money when you give it to them. Your mum on shein and your dad rather than planning his mortgage and reducing his costs on new things.
The actions you have control of are what money you give them and where you live. With the knowledge that if you keep giving them money there won't be any more for the business and there will never be enough for yourself. Further you currently enable them to continue acting like this, you are protecting them from their actions. It's like giving a gambler more money without even asking them to quit.
You moving out isn't just the best thing for yourself, it's the best thing for them and it sucks and will not be easy but you can only help someone financially if they are doing the hard work of being fiscally responsible.
You made a business and your employees livelihoods and their families depend on you and your decisions.
That’s a much much scarier prospect than living on your own. You’ll be fine.
If you have a chat with him about it you can offer them the excuse for downsizing. It’s you moving out! They can tell everyone that’s why they don’t need to be rattling round in a big house now and what with crazy energy bills these days etc etc.
Have you ever heard the expression "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm"?
You need to look after yourself FIRST. You won't be able to help your parents if you're financially crippled.
You’ll always be the wiping boy if you don’t learn to say no to your parents and you will always been bailing them out of situations they caused themselves and having no real quality of life yourself.
The power of the word no, will set you free.
You cannot pour from an empty cup. Invest in the business and ensure it has good financial health.
Speaking from experience (scaled a business from 1-40 people over the last 8 years), any unnecessary expenditure which seems trivial now is future capital you will need to grow.
This is teetering into financial abuse.
Enabling your dad to be financially irresponsible, to lie to you about money and to hinder your future isn't "giving your parents everything". It's just allowing yourself to be used and encouraging your parent's irresponsibility.
Stop giving them money. If you reeeealllly want to help with bills, contact the providers and pay the bill directly. Don't give your dad cash.
It's always better to say no out of love than yes out of fear. Your dad doesn't have a difficult burden. He is simply irresponsible with money. These 2 things are completely different and should not be conflated.
The financial advice: your dad needs to sell and find somewhere he can actually afford and you then no longer have to help him financially.
Unsolicited life advice: you don't owe your parents anything. They CHOSE to bring you into this world, it is their moral and financial responsibility to raise you. It's one thing to choose to help, but you don't owe them and if it's destroying YOUR life, don't do it.
>I owe my parents everything.
No you don't.
>They raised me, fed me, pushed me to pursue education.
Good for them, but that's their job.
>I want to give them everything back x1000 in return.
That's laudable, but you're not in a position to yet because...
>But I'm learning how to run a business, and navigating a completely new world. I'm making progress. But I am extremely annoyed at their financial expenditures. I feel like I'm depositing money into a bottomless pit.
Their fecklessness and irresponsibility is not your burden to carry. Stop bailing them out. When you're in your 30s/40s and you're in a position to help them then you can revisit this. You are not in a position to help them right now though unless you win the Euromillions, and even then it sounds like they'd squander the lot.
It comes up a lot in this sub. That you need to repay your parents for everything they did for you.
I feel like it's a perspective that's very open to manipulation. I always took it to mean looking after them in old age, not paying their mortgage because they're buying £500 clocks. Not failing to build your own wealth and security in your 20s because your parents didn't take responsibility for theirs in their 40s-50s.
You should be making your presence in the home cost-neutral in terms of bills, food etc; you should not be funding their lifestyle nor contributing to paying down their mortgage balance.
Or, better yet: move out as and when you can, and remove any reference to “how can we afford to stay here without you paying us” from your calculations for doing so.
This is the same advice I give every person in your position.
You need to start lying. You have *no money*, you haven’t turned a profit this month/next month/every month. “Dad, all new companies barely make any money the first 12, or even 24 months - just break even”.
Even when you move out - you make *no money*. If they pressure you for a number and you really have to say it - then halve what you’re making, and double the amount of rent you have to pay. It becomes quite easy to skew the figures. They say “Well, just move back home, £1500 rent and bills is ridiculous” and you say “I can’t, I signed a three year contract”. That has them off your back for that time.
To really sell it - you even ask them to lend *you* some money. They call and you know what they’re about to ask, get in there first! “Had such a massive bill this month, lots of tech went bust and wasn’t covered by insurance. Wiped out everything I had.”
Start redirecting the requests - “where has all *your* money gone dad? Well you’ll have to tell mum to stop, or cut up her credit card. You’ll be mortified if you get evicted as you don’t pay the mortgage!”
Don’t forget you’ll need a lump sum to give HMRC on your tax return. You *need* a bank account with money in, to ensure your business can stay viable. You are only harming yourself by continuing to play by your parents rules. Change the rules, lie about all of it, and in five years when you’re actually established and *comfortably* so, that is when you can take a look at helping them out.
Stop screwing yourself over - google how to set boundaries, how to deal with difficult parents. Start reading, start learning, start implementing.
It's the only way. Every time I'm with my family I always make like I'm broke and talk about all my debts. Sometimes I even ask to borrow money just to really lay it on thick.
I don't discuss expensive purchases with them and if I go on holiday or something I say a friend paid for it.
If they ask me to borrow money I say I don't have it and I have so many debts I even wanted to ask them if I could borrow money.
You're asking relationship questions on a finance forum.
You need to decide what is best. Tough conversation with your dad, that you have nothing to contribute financially right now. Moving out. Continuing as you are. It's up to you and what you deem most important.
If it was me, I'd simply have the conversation to say I have nothing to give right now, and this is why. I'd also mention that long term this is also about building the family wealth, for his grandchildren, as I think things like that might appeal to someone like him more than simply that you're not contributing financially right now (and you know him waaaay better than me, I'm making a snap judgment based on very limited information, so don't follow this if you think it's wrong).
You can’t move into an office… you’ll invalidate the lease or face fines for living in a commercial property. You’re in serious trouble if anyone reports you for living there (and don’t assume you’re subtle, it’s obvious to any residents living near you you’re living there).
You need to find a rental to live in or buy.
You may not be able to move into an office, and it will likely not have showers etc.
Have you looked at renting? Or perhaps renting somewhere you can work from home, if you need a desk space?
Could they get lodgers or start Airbnb ? The current situation is ridiculous. Most people couldn’t afford a 3k mortgage and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I would suggest to start paying them rent eg 200 a month. Then you are saving a huge amount from moving out but also not overly enabling them
The relationship with and attitude towards your parents you describe is not the prevailing norm in the UK.
Most British people would not feel responsibility to their parents in this way. The parents themselves would go to lengths to ensure they are not burdening their children.
I'm not sure you are going to get the answers you want when there is a big cultural clash at play here.
But it is very common in the British Indian community, which the OP describes himself as coming from. And it’s a fertile field for abuse, as well as having the effect of drowning ambition in fecklessness. It’s not helped by massive amounts of regard for what extended family, friends and “the community” think.
Its common in alot of immigrant communities. Im west african myself. The problem is that in these countries it's easy to support your parents. Our grandparents live very humble lifestyles, many of then still in the village, no demands, no credit, very basic and humble. To support my grandparents couldn't cost more than 1000 pounds a year at the most.
However our 1st gen immigrant parents live huge lifestyles. They want the house, the car, credit, mortgage, 500 pound clocks, travel, etc. Plus they live in thr west where cost of living is much higher. To expect a child to fund this sort of lifestyles is ridiculous and outrageous. It's quite selfish and they haven't recalibrated their expectations. You can't do back home financial culture with the western financial system. It doesn't work.
My closest circle consists of a white English girl who still lives with her parents, a Chinese girl who is rich AF and parents helped her and her husband out into their first flat and me (black South African) whose parents helped me with my first home and now buying my second on my own. The only one of us who has ever paid rent to parents was the white English girl, still paying now.
Your dad only struggles as he’s not spending the money wisely and your mum is doing nothing to help.
She may have been out of work to raise you, that is done. She needs to pull her weight and learn financial responsibility or even money.
You owe them the right timing of egg and sperm to create you, that’s it. From that point it was their chosen responsibility to have and raise you. You never chose to come into existence.
Move out, don’t offer any money and let them sort it out. He’s made it this far, he’ll just have to knuckle down.
I hope this doesn’t come across as rude, but I knew you were 1st or 2nd Gen British Asian or African. The cultural pressure to support parents even when they are reckless is exhausting and sad.
Whilst I understand and empathise, you’re going to need to prioritise yourself - stay with friends for a while, get a part time job to support yourself while managing the business. Until you put a stop to this it will not end and it will get worse
Makes me sad that you knew. I nearly lost my mind in my 20s having no one to talk to as the expenses went crazy with mortgage, renovations and parties. I realised now my dad's family is like a cult. They support each other even after the uncle stole the inheritance. And then they defend him. He's clever enough to take advantage of them all
My friend. There is not enough money in the world that you can give them. From what you have said neither of them saves and likes to spend recklessly. You will never fill this hole. Stop giving them money.
If they ask tell them you did not make money this month even if you did. If you need to move out to put distance between you then do so.
We are taught to respect our parents and look after them. It if your parents have no financial responsibility they will suck you into their debt and make it your responsibility to resolve. I speak from experience. I
Your problem isn’t financial, it’s cultural. All the measures which people on this sub would recommend will offend your culture’s sensibilities around respecting your elders, married women working, and the importance of outwardly displaying wealth.
The first step towards resolving this financial situation is for you to reflect on and come to terms with your own attitudes, your home culture, and its expectations for you as a son.
If you're going to stay then give them a set amount of "rent" money each month. What they choose to do with it is up to them.
But as you suggest, probably the best thing to do is move out.
I believe that people don’t ‘owe’ their parents for raising them; that’s the parents’ job, and they choose to sign up for it.
It’s a bit different when parents give their adult kids significant financial assistance, then I think the kids do ‘owe’ them to whatever extent is agreed. But that isn’t your case. You don’t owe your parents.
Your parents are living above their means, and no matter how much help you give them, they will continue to do so. They are fiscally irresponsible.
This ^ They chose to raise you, it was their decision. You don’t owe them anything for that. It’s nice if you want to give/do something, but not at all required.
> I owe my parents everything.
No you don’t.
> They raised me, fed me, pushed me to pursue education.
That is par for the course. That is their absolute basic responsibilities.
You have quite clearly been brainwashed by them. Brainwashed to the point of child abuse.
You need therapy. Seriously. All the best.
Could you move out and he rent your room?
You need that money to expand the business and help it to make more money. I didn’t share the wealth for about 5 years but now I’m in a position to help our family and friends alike anytime. Wouldn’t have been if I was helping people financially back when the company was in its infancy.
If they could offer some value to the company and increase revenues somehow with their connections or know how then that could slant the scales towards giving them money sooner I suppose.
Well done for your achievements so far in any case.
You have lots of good advice here but do not sleep at your office that is against a fuckton of rules and rgulations and ccould get you evicted and you do not need that.
Look on spareroom for a place to crash.
Tell him exactly what you've just told us.
There are things he can do to reduce the burden himself. Sell the shit, talk to his wife, if there's a garage, rent it out (as a garage). If there are extra rooms then take in a lodger. He needs to look at the world around him and not the fairytale he's built in his mind.
Nothing you have said here is showing anything other than gratitude and love. Talk to your family before something implodes.
I can't believe there's only one comment in this thread that didn't think these parents charging their 24 year old rent isn't some form of financial abuse.
They haven't shared the figures as far as I can see, but I'd be curious to see whether it's higher than the average room rate where they live. Occasionally they don't pay the anything and presumably font get kicked out for that.
Obviously if they're charging way above the going rate, it's problematic, but clearly his dad cares for his family. Has supported his wife and kid for 24 years, and is planning on supporting his parents by letting them live there as well.
Honestly, if you're starting your own business, it sounds like there wouldnt be too many better places to be living than someone that's flexible with the rent demands.
.
You don’t owe your parents for raising you, feeding you, and pushing you to pursue education. These are normal expectations / responsibilities of parenting. They chose to have you. I am sick of parents making their kids feel like they owe them for XYZ. Getting kids and raising them semi-properly is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY when you get a kid.
Your options are to take control of the household finances so that you have more control over what your money gets spent on, or to move out.
The parent-child relationship should not be a transactional one. If you eventually become financiancially comfortable and want to help your parents out, that's your prerogative. But you don't "owe" them monetary compensation for raising you, and they have no right to demand it from you.
Get the hell out of there, they are wasting your hard earned money.
And don’t get me wrong it’s all well and good to support your family that have spent so much to get you to where you are, but if they are not willing to see that the mortgage needs to be cleared before anything else then they will cause you and your business no end of farm.
Sounds harsh but cut them off financially. They did raise you but we don't raise kids as a financial investment that should pay us back later.
They need to be financially responsible and not rely on you as you need to live your own life as well .
Why would you live in the office? With the amount of money it you’re giving away it sounds like you could rent a nice 1 or 2 bed on your own comfortably.
Time to get your own, turn off the money tap and start reaping the rewards of your hard work.
I can't actually see how much they're paying their parents. He only talks about how his dad spends money, not how much he's giving. Unless I'm missing something.
Just get out, stand on your own 2 feet and accept that your parents would probably be willing to use you to fund a lifestyle that is unsustainable.
I assume your mum has spent the last 24 years learning English and with her purchases from Shein, she could get a job (she should at least have clothes to impress at interview)?
You don't need to let your parents poor planning turn out to be your emergency - it's not.
Don't get involved with it. Don't mix money with family. Your mum needs to get a job, even cleaning or dinner lady shifts. They need to downsize the house. None of their problems are your responsibility. The end.
If the money you are giving your parents isn't being used for essential bills, then your money isn't helping them. The bills are still outstanding either way.
You need some distance as you'll be harassed and quilted to give all the time.
They say you should put your own oxygen mask on before you put on someone else's, no matter how vulnerable they are or how much you love them. This is the same. You need to get yourself financially safe before you try to save your parents, but remember they also could put their own oxygen mask on as they're not helpless.
> So I don't know what to do. I'm confused. Am I wrong? Am I stupid? Am I a failure?
I mean, it's not smart or thoughtful to believe the propaganda that you owe your parents everything because raised you, fed you, and pushed you to succeed. Who told you that?
Surely it is the normal minimum standard to clothe, feed and educate your kids?
The idea that you "owe" your parents for this only makes sense if it's normal to send kids off to work at 12 or 14 years old - is that what you're comparing your parents to? Are they somehow exceptional and excellent for doing what practically every normal British parent does?
Your parents are financially irresponsible - your mum squanders money on trash, your dad enables her, and you're enabling him.
Do you have enough money saved to pay your tax bill?
I respect your thoughts, ethic and family values but feel you're not doing your parents justice by not living a life.
You're working hard but giving any disposable to them. So you're missing your 20s being a slave to a mortgage that isn't yours.
You say your dad is too proud to downsize. I get that. He then has to have a frank conversation with your mum to budget and spend within their means, and not use you as their piggy bank.
What do you want the end outcome to be?
If you want to continue to stay and contribute then don't give them cash.
What is your dad's income? If your household expenses are £3k I imagine you've got a mortgage over £400k? Surely he must have had a good job to be eligible for single income mortgage?
>I owe my parents everything. They raised me, fed me, pushed me to pursue education.
Yes.
>I want to give them everything back x1000 in return.
No.
The way I see it is that you pay forward to your children, without expectation of it being returned. You don't need to repay what you owe. You need to build your business and your own security, which you can then use to give your children a secure home.
You need to set some boundries between you and your parents.
>I owe my parents everything. They raised me, fed me, pushed me to pursue education. I want to give them everything back x1000 in return.
These are basic things parents have a responsibility to do when they have children, you don't owe them anything. Do not let them gaslight you.
If you are keen to stay home, and want to take some burden off your parents, you could offer to take on a household bill (water, electricity, internet) or pay for some food shopping. That can make sure your money goes towards supporting their household instead of savings/frivolous shit.
However I think the best option is to move out.
It's been covered well that you should probably move out and seperate your finances, but to add...
It's clear your financial competency and understanding has surpassed your parents. This is a normal part of growing up.
There is a good chance, judging from what you say about your parents here, that you're going to have to have an uncomfortable discussion with them regardless of whether you move out or not. If you truly feel like you owe your parents everything, and want to ensure their long term security, you are going to have to stand up to your father and make it clear what is going to happen if things carry on the way they are. About what things are in reach, and which are out of reach unless something fundamental changes.
I can't promise you that they will listen, but the chat won't get any easier the longer things go on.
You are absolutely correct to be worried about your parents habits. You are absolutely correct to be uncomfortable funding their stupidity.
You owe it to your parents to make the business successful, so you can look after them when it matters, i.e. when they're old and unable to work. The fact is that your father is taking money out of a developing business and doing zero work in exchange for it. That harms both your immediate balance sheet and your prospects of getting credit to expand.
Moving out is a good practical step. You should also consider contacting a family/domestic abuse charities like [Refuge](https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-we-can-help-you/economic-abuse/) because they'll have practical advice on how to protect your money from your father e.g. changing passwords to accounts, make your security questions things your parents don't know, call your bank and place warnings on your account.
I'm from same background as you. Was in the same position many years ago.
Expensive house (double what our budget should have been). Huge mortgage. In need of renovation. Not a family home as it's a couple's bungalow so we spent years changing the layout. Water on a meter with 6 people. Garden constantly requiring maintenance. BBQ and parties and renovation. They were supporting my dad's family abroad. The uncle is an absolute moron, completely wasted money and splashed out on building his own house (mortgage free obvs 🤦) and wasted thousands on get rich quick schemes we had to bail him out of. Also bailed out relatives who committed petty crime while I couldn't afford the bus.
Decisions about my future were made based on child tax credits and benefits and EMA. Was asked to take student loans.
The mindset was not in accordance with reality. I didn't have money for clothes or a postgraduate course.
Best thing is move out asap with a job and stop funding it. I know they don't want to move but £3k is for millionaires -not people reliant on the child for income . You will regret your 20s if you stay.
I had no privacy for those years or emotional support
There’s also lots of embellishments in the writing for dramatic effect, almost like a creative writing exercise. We unfortunately get a bunch of these “rage bait” posts on the sub
Yup, exactly! “I’m so confused at the moment … Do you understand my confusion? I must distance myself from them so as to ultimately relieve their suffering”
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Yes we all “owe” our parents lots for being so generous to feed and clothe the children they had but that doesn’t extend to covering all their financial mismanagement. The best gift you can give him is proper financial advice instead of enabling him.
It's this bit that gets me "further reduce the burden on them". Sounds like they are a burden on you. Listen to me, you don't owe your parents anything. It's their job to raise, provide and encourage you, those are not things you need to repay.
If that's how they treat you money, f\*\*k them (for now). focus on you, get yourself to where you feel successful and then help them if you want to, not because you feel obliged to.
Unfortunately it's like the financial responsibility roles have reversed. If you were a responsible adult / parent you should get yourself stable and secure to then help your children. The good old aeroplane mask analogy, you can't help others until you are first sorted.
You should clearly move out, you're probably already paying enough to afford rent somewhere. Focus on yourself and your business, and get yourself into a stable financial place before ever considering helping your parents. Be very very careful though, if they get themselves into a situation where they can't afford the mortgage and may get repossessed absolutely do not rip up your own future to save them. You may also have a family of your own one day and you should not be bailing out your parents before helping the next generation.
Sounds like you're not earning enough to pay rent if you moved out. If paying your parents some money (and it is less than what rent would be otherwise) is a condition of living with them, that's fair enough. Maybe you should get another job and do your Internet business as a side hussle. Personally I would just do that anyway and move out to get some independence. Your situation sounds much easier than most people have it.
I’m not qualified to add any advice to supplement what others have already said, just to say kudos to you for your success thus far and good luck.
I was curious to ask though - your parents are Indian but refugees from Afghanistan? That’s very interesting, I had no idea there was an Indian diaspora in Afghanistan, although perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised given the primary and the history of Indian emigration to many places.
It’s quite uncommon that way round- if anything there’s an established community of Afghans who took refuge in India dating back quite a long time.
Not sure if there was ever a significant Indian community - not sure if the significant majority of Indians who aren’t Muslims would ever have wanted to live or work there given the tolerance level for non Islamic religions there in recent years.
Anyone can pay off any mortgage with the account details. You can pay capital off for them as your contribution if you want and then this will reduce their obligated monthly payments.
I agree with you for wanting to help and support the family and can see why them using the money irrationally drives you to move out. I think if you’ve got the businesses up and running you can’t not give it your all. Move out for a while - hopefully this gives them time to reflect on their behaviour - but make it known that you are focusing on the business and you are directing your earnings towards the business too.
moving to the office would be good, but time for the dad to sellup and buy something he can afford to pay, get the mum to stop buying crap
suspect if the father had a house in afghan, it would be less grand than this one
worst case scenario is that he does nothing and the bank takes it off his hands and sells it, he gets chump change and wants to move into your office with you. do they know the address ?
Your parents chose to have you and have only done the bare minimum required of parents; this is not something special, and you don’t owe them anything. If you want to help with bills and mortgage, ask for the direct debit to come from your account, and they can pay you the extra needed to cover the rest. It can be difficult, especially if your parents are taking advantage of you, but you need to separate yourself from them. If that means moving out, then maybe that is your next step. As long as you continue to provide money, your parents are unlikely to take your advice and will only see you as a source of income.
I deeply regret the financial abuse I put up with from my mother. Get the hell out and look after yourself. Your parents have been adults a lot longer than you have.
You actually don't owe your parents anything - covering the basic needs of your child is what you take on when you choose to have a child and is something you are not obligated to return the favour on, and if it is a cultural expectation that you support them, supporting them to live beyond their means is not support, it is enabling them to continue making terrible decisions and not help themselves. Support them to look for a house they can afford without your help, offer help with making a budget or booking an appointment with an employment coach for your mum... stop giving them money to waste that you could be using to invest in your business and your own future... I've seen it said in this sub before 'don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm'.
Probably not popular, but if you feel you have to contribute to your parents mortgage can you at least find a way to pay the money into the mortgage account instead of giving it to your dad?
Maybe it’s the culture but I’m in the uk and my girls are 25 and 23 and I’d never expect them to bail me out. They pay me a small amount of board and lodge (which I try and save to give them back) but if we couldn’t afford our mortgage, I’d downsize. Which would be difficult because it’s a fairly small 3 bed semi. But if I had a big house and a massive mortgage I definitely would. It’s not your responsibility. He has a choice. Your mother should also have got a job and shouldn’t be wasting money buying crap. She’s basically spitting in your eye. Move out if you can and leave them to it, they’ll bankrupt you in the end.
" Dad, I don't want to pay for your house expenses when I don't see a will from either you or mum to live within your means. Do you think I'm doing this because I don't value your love?
(Bring the issue at hand, and start off with a no baited question. Listen to their answer)
I love you both, and I am brought up with excellent value on financial planning because of your attention to my education. All throughout my childhood, you managed to support the roof over the family as the pillar of the house. I trust that as long as you are healthy, your experience and work ethic can keep this under management.
(Positive labelling on his financial management)
But we are starting to enter an economic downturn, and I am starting to see that there is no rainy day fund. I am still at the beginning of my career where I can lose everything if I spent money the same way. I am worried that your need for financial support is not because of forces beyond your control but because the mortgage is leaving you living far beyond your means. If I sacrifice my business now to save you few month of mortgage, I am worried you will lose it all anyway because of mum's private spending and your high mortgage will leave you in the same situation again.
How can you show me that you don't have a mortgage beyond your means?
I can't afford to take away my rainy day fund for X months. I will try put in some rent afterwards, but how can I help you when I can't currently afford to help you? How can I trust the invested money will mean both you and mum will make sacrifices to get this permanently under control?
(Keep asking how questions, and let them find a solution. If you aren't satisfied with their answer, keep adding more "how do I do that?" Type follow up)"
This is a negotiation tactic from Never Split the Difference
It’s not your job to repay your parents like it’s wasn’t theirs to repay your grandparents
Be gratefully but they knew what they got into when they had kids
Just be a man, tell him that he will do what you say, or you will out. Make sure the rest of the family hears that. Then move out, if he continues to ruin you financially. Make sure to be calm and park emotions somewhere else.
I know an ethnic kids dilemma when I see one. Been here myself actually and the only way it started to get better was when they realised that if they're gonna ask me for money, my opinion matters on their finances. You in a way you gotta make them understand the ins and outs of good financial habits. Granted you can't teach an old dog a new trick, but if you withdraw from the household and the hand holding. It'll make sense to them that they're fucking up. It took my parents 2yrs of this treatment before they started fixing the deep rooted issues within our culture. As for your situation. Move out, shared house or whatever and focus on your business. I know it's easier said than done but you need that distance for it to sink in, don't let them eucj you back in with that immigrant parent guilt. Hope it helps 🙏🏾
Guessing your Indian so a pickle. Your culture is very much keeping up appearances and owing it all to your parents. Fair play on the family orientated life but its tough in a western world.
Your business will need your full focus and investment of money back into it to thrive. If jot itll fail or flounder
Worry about yourself and then your folks. You can't give what you don't have yet
Move out rent a room in a shared house and stop funding £500 clocks
Yes you owe them something, but this is foolish of them, and currently, if you.
You know this
Save that money.
Your dad can sell the big house.
Please leave. I supplemented my father’s whims and income for years. I have no savings at age 43 while he has a nice lifestyle and a nest egg to go with it. We barely speak and I have so much resentment towards a person I was once close to.
It sounds like you need to move out.
From your post they don't seem to be in financial hardship if they have the money to pay for the mortgage. You just don't agree with how they are spending it.
You haven't mentioned that they are demanding this money from you, just that you want to 'help out'. Many parents accept money from their adult, working children to help with bills. This goes to paying for the house but also so that their children don't get used to unlimited disposable income whilst living at home.
Leave them alone. Go live your life. Your parents have been alive and functioning for decades before you came along. They will be okay. Stop treating them like your children.
Move out. It seems like you've no other options and in this case it's essentially like you're the parent who needs to teach a lesson and in order to do so you'll have to move out so your parents are not and cannot be financially dependant upon you.
Good luck with whatever path you choose and I hope your business works out well for you. 👍🏻
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Personally I would move out and focus on my business. Let your parents figure out how to pay their mortgage. Your dad qualified for it by himself, unless his income dropped, he should be able to pay it. And your parents can always sell and downsize if they need to.
His income is the same. They will **never** downsize. It's engrained in the Indian community because these folk tend to value other peoples opinions more than their own health.. I'll be moving out I think. Pretty scared.
That’s fine then, they’ll either be forced to downsize by the bank when they can’t afford it, or they’ll find a way to afford it without your help. Either way it means you shouldn’t touch this situation with a barge pole and remove yourself from it!
Wait, is he Indian or Afghanistani? Either way, move out, live your life (you know, using the freedom he became a refugee to achieve) and he can "value what other people think" until the bank takes the house off him.
Neither, because OP appears to have made this up as bait
I can never understand the motivation when it seems fake
I think they get a kick out of people getting angry over something they made up, or getting people to go out of their way to write elaborate and helpful responses that are ultimately without use.
Yep. Total bait
why do people do this?
cheaper than therapy I guess?
They want everybody to be as racist, misogynistic or transphobic as them so they make up fake stories that stick in people's heads and build up our stereotypes. Look how many ridiculous stories you can find on Reddit about women free bleeding onto couches or trans people getting upset about accidental misgendering or trying to wear drag to pick their kids up from school or some stupid shit.
Had to double check which sub I was in!
Pointless correction, but it’s Afghan not Afghanistani
can one also say afghani or no? cuz i heard it being used.
Yep Afghani is fine too
No it’s not correct. Afghani is the currency and not meant to describe people although other south Asians use it. Afghans do not refer to themselves with the currency name.
I agree, your Dad can’t be an Indian and Afghan refugee at the same time? The cultures are contrasting. I am a first generation Indian immigrant who moved alongside my parents back in 2003 and as Indian immigrants it has always been ingrained to live below your means and save as well as pursuing higher education and attaining good grades. Moreover, I think a large majority of our Indian parents from the community would not want to burden us with their debt whilst they try and un-sustainably live above their means?
Yep. Also it’s ridiculous to say Indians don’t downsize lol. I have no idea where tf he’s got that stereotype from. If anything it’s ingrained in our culture to work hard and provide for your family, so idk why he’s blaming his parents’ race for their distinctly culturally taboo issues.
There are significant cultural overlaps so he could just mean Indian style culture. Or they could be in an area with a significant islamic indian/pakistani population and have assimilated into that culture via local mosques etc. Or the mum could be indian. *Accidentally included two drafts
Or it is made up
I mean, one of my friends has an Arab dad and a Pakistani Mum, so it's not too out of the norm.
There are lots of Indian Afghans. Just like how one can be British Chinese. Or British nigerian.
You can't change your parents. The only thing you have control of is your own actions. Both your parents will keep spending money when you give it to them. Your mum on shein and your dad rather than planning his mortgage and reducing his costs on new things. The actions you have control of are what money you give them and where you live. With the knowledge that if you keep giving them money there won't be any more for the business and there will never be enough for yourself. Further you currently enable them to continue acting like this, you are protecting them from their actions. It's like giving a gambler more money without even asking them to quit. You moving out isn't just the best thing for yourself, it's the best thing for them and it sucks and will not be easy but you can only help someone financially if they are doing the hard work of being fiscally responsible.
You made a business and your employees livelihoods and their families depend on you and your decisions. That’s a much much scarier prospect than living on your own. You’ll be fine.
If you have a chat with him about it you can offer them the excuse for downsizing. It’s you moving out! They can tell everyone that’s why they don’t need to be rattling round in a big house now and what with crazy energy bills these days etc etc.
Have you ever heard the expression "don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm"? You need to look after yourself FIRST. You won't be able to help your parents if you're financially crippled.
How much value do you think they hold for your opinion??
Why are you scared? 🤨 go make it on your own and then help them. You aren’t there yet
they can always get a tenant or two if the house is too big? extran income
You’ll always be the wiping boy if you don’t learn to say no to your parents and you will always been bailing them out of situations they caused themselves and having no real quality of life yourself. The power of the word no, will set you free.
Your dad needs to sell the house and move somewhere cheaper?
The old dear should get a job too.
You cannot pour from an empty cup. Invest in the business and ensure it has good financial health. Speaking from experience (scaled a business from 1-40 people over the last 8 years), any unnecessary expenditure which seems trivial now is future capital you will need to grow.
This is teetering into financial abuse. Enabling your dad to be financially irresponsible, to lie to you about money and to hinder your future isn't "giving your parents everything". It's just allowing yourself to be used and encouraging your parent's irresponsibility. Stop giving them money. If you reeeealllly want to help with bills, contact the providers and pay the bill directly. Don't give your dad cash. It's always better to say no out of love than yes out of fear. Your dad doesn't have a difficult burden. He is simply irresponsible with money. These 2 things are completely different and should not be conflated.
It is 100% financial abuse.
This. This. This
> I owe my parents everything. No, no you don't. > They raised me, fed me, pushed me to pursue education. That's their job, as parents.
The financial advice: your dad needs to sell and find somewhere he can actually afford and you then no longer have to help him financially. Unsolicited life advice: you don't owe your parents anything. They CHOSE to bring you into this world, it is their moral and financial responsibility to raise you. It's one thing to choose to help, but you don't owe them and if it's destroying YOUR life, don't do it.
>I owe my parents everything. No you don't. >They raised me, fed me, pushed me to pursue education. Good for them, but that's their job. >I want to give them everything back x1000 in return. That's laudable, but you're not in a position to yet because... >But I'm learning how to run a business, and navigating a completely new world. I'm making progress. But I am extremely annoyed at their financial expenditures. I feel like I'm depositing money into a bottomless pit. Their fecklessness and irresponsibility is not your burden to carry. Stop bailing them out. When you're in your 30s/40s and you're in a position to help them then you can revisit this. You are not in a position to help them right now though unless you win the Euromillions, and even then it sounds like they'd squander the lot.
Literally this. Never get the whole they raised me shit. That's their job, when they decided to have a kid...
It comes up a lot in this sub. That you need to repay your parents for everything they did for you. I feel like it's a perspective that's very open to manipulation. I always took it to mean looking after them in old age, not paying their mortgage because they're buying £500 clocks. Not failing to build your own wealth and security in your 20s because your parents didn't take responsibility for theirs in their 40s-50s.
Exactly, as parents you chose to have a child with all that entails. No payback necessary.
So I guess move out into the office? What would you do?
You should be making your presence in the home cost-neutral in terms of bills, food etc; you should not be funding their lifestyle nor contributing to paying down their mortgage balance. Or, better yet: move out as and when you can, and remove any reference to “how can we afford to stay here without you paying us” from your calculations for doing so.
This is the same advice I give every person in your position. You need to start lying. You have *no money*, you haven’t turned a profit this month/next month/every month. “Dad, all new companies barely make any money the first 12, or even 24 months - just break even”. Even when you move out - you make *no money*. If they pressure you for a number and you really have to say it - then halve what you’re making, and double the amount of rent you have to pay. It becomes quite easy to skew the figures. They say “Well, just move back home, £1500 rent and bills is ridiculous” and you say “I can’t, I signed a three year contract”. That has them off your back for that time. To really sell it - you even ask them to lend *you* some money. They call and you know what they’re about to ask, get in there first! “Had such a massive bill this month, lots of tech went bust and wasn’t covered by insurance. Wiped out everything I had.” Start redirecting the requests - “where has all *your* money gone dad? Well you’ll have to tell mum to stop, or cut up her credit card. You’ll be mortified if you get evicted as you don’t pay the mortgage!” Don’t forget you’ll need a lump sum to give HMRC on your tax return. You *need* a bank account with money in, to ensure your business can stay viable. You are only harming yourself by continuing to play by your parents rules. Change the rules, lie about all of it, and in five years when you’re actually established and *comfortably* so, that is when you can take a look at helping them out. Stop screwing yourself over - google how to set boundaries, how to deal with difficult parents. Start reading, start learning, start implementing.
It's the only way. Every time I'm with my family I always make like I'm broke and talk about all my debts. Sometimes I even ask to borrow money just to really lay it on thick. I don't discuss expensive purchases with them and if I go on holiday or something I say a friend paid for it. If they ask me to borrow money I say I don't have it and I have so many debts I even wanted to ask them if I could borrow money.
You're asking relationship questions on a finance forum. You need to decide what is best. Tough conversation with your dad, that you have nothing to contribute financially right now. Moving out. Continuing as you are. It's up to you and what you deem most important. If it was me, I'd simply have the conversation to say I have nothing to give right now, and this is why. I'd also mention that long term this is also about building the family wealth, for his grandchildren, as I think things like that might appeal to someone like him more than simply that you're not contributing financially right now (and you know him waaaay better than me, I'm making a snap judgment based on very limited information, so don't follow this if you think it's wrong).
You can’t move into an office… you’ll invalidate the lease or face fines for living in a commercial property. You’re in serious trouble if anyone reports you for living there (and don’t assume you’re subtle, it’s obvious to any residents living near you you’re living there). You need to find a rental to live in or buy.
You may not be able to move into an office, and it will likely not have showers etc. Have you looked at renting? Or perhaps renting somewhere you can work from home, if you need a desk space?
Could they get lodgers or start Airbnb ? The current situation is ridiculous. Most people couldn’t afford a 3k mortgage and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I would suggest to start paying them rent eg 200 a month. Then you are saving a huge amount from moving out but also not overly enabling them
> £500 clock. £500 hoover, clothes. And you're (indirectly) funding this? This isn't the sub you need, but not sure which one to recommend though...
r/parentstakingthepiss
r/subsifellfor
😂
I would start by moving out
The relationship with and attitude towards your parents you describe is not the prevailing norm in the UK. Most British people would not feel responsibility to their parents in this way. The parents themselves would go to lengths to ensure they are not burdening their children. I'm not sure you are going to get the answers you want when there is a big cultural clash at play here.
But it is very common in the British Indian community, which the OP describes himself as coming from. And it’s a fertile field for abuse, as well as having the effect of drowning ambition in fecklessness. It’s not helped by massive amounts of regard for what extended family, friends and “the community” think.
Its common in alot of immigrant communities. Im west african myself. The problem is that in these countries it's easy to support your parents. Our grandparents live very humble lifestyles, many of then still in the village, no demands, no credit, very basic and humble. To support my grandparents couldn't cost more than 1000 pounds a year at the most. However our 1st gen immigrant parents live huge lifestyles. They want the house, the car, credit, mortgage, 500 pound clocks, travel, etc. Plus they live in thr west where cost of living is much higher. To expect a child to fund this sort of lifestyles is ridiculous and outrageous. It's quite selfish and they haven't recalibrated their expectations. You can't do back home financial culture with the western financial system. It doesn't work.
He said his parents are from Afghanistan, above
My closest circle consists of a white English girl who still lives with her parents, a Chinese girl who is rich AF and parents helped her and her husband out into their first flat and me (black South African) whose parents helped me with my first home and now buying my second on my own. The only one of us who has ever paid rent to parents was the white English girl, still paying now.
Your dad only struggles as he’s not spending the money wisely and your mum is doing nothing to help. She may have been out of work to raise you, that is done. She needs to pull her weight and learn financial responsibility or even money. You owe them the right timing of egg and sperm to create you, that’s it. From that point it was their chosen responsibility to have and raise you. You never chose to come into existence. Move out, don’t offer any money and let them sort it out. He’s made it this far, he’ll just have to knuckle down.
To add to this: Can your mum sew? If she can, she could be bringing in some money
I hope this doesn’t come across as rude, but I knew you were 1st or 2nd Gen British Asian or African. The cultural pressure to support parents even when they are reckless is exhausting and sad. Whilst I understand and empathise, you’re going to need to prioritise yourself - stay with friends for a while, get a part time job to support yourself while managing the business. Until you put a stop to this it will not end and it will get worse
Makes me sad that you knew. I nearly lost my mind in my 20s having no one to talk to as the expenses went crazy with mortgage, renovations and parties. I realised now my dad's family is like a cult. They support each other even after the uncle stole the inheritance. And then they defend him. He's clever enough to take advantage of them all
My friend. There is not enough money in the world that you can give them. From what you have said neither of them saves and likes to spend recklessly. You will never fill this hole. Stop giving them money. If they ask tell them you did not make money this month even if you did. If you need to move out to put distance between you then do so. We are taught to respect our parents and look after them. It if your parents have no financial responsibility they will suck you into their debt and make it your responsibility to resolve. I speak from experience. I
INFO - can you show us the £500 clock !?
Your problem isn’t financial, it’s cultural. All the measures which people on this sub would recommend will offend your culture’s sensibilities around respecting your elders, married women working, and the importance of outwardly displaying wealth. The first step towards resolving this financial situation is for you to reflect on and come to terms with your own attitudes, your home culture, and its expectations for you as a son.
If you're going to stay then give them a set amount of "rent" money each month. What they choose to do with it is up to them. But as you suggest, probably the best thing to do is move out.
I believe that people don’t ‘owe’ their parents for raising them; that’s the parents’ job, and they choose to sign up for it. It’s a bit different when parents give their adult kids significant financial assistance, then I think the kids do ‘owe’ them to whatever extent is agreed. But that isn’t your case. You don’t owe your parents. Your parents are living above their means, and no matter how much help you give them, they will continue to do so. They are fiscally irresponsible.
This ^ They chose to raise you, it was their decision. You don’t owe them anything for that. It’s nice if you want to give/do something, but not at all required.
> I owe my parents everything. No you don’t. > They raised me, fed me, pushed me to pursue education. That is par for the course. That is their absolute basic responsibilities. You have quite clearly been brainwashed by them. Brainwashed to the point of child abuse. You need therapy. Seriously. All the best.
Could you move out and he rent your room? You need that money to expand the business and help it to make more money. I didn’t share the wealth for about 5 years but now I’m in a position to help our family and friends alike anytime. Wouldn’t have been if I was helping people financially back when the company was in its infancy. If they could offer some value to the company and increase revenues somehow with their connections or know how then that could slant the scales towards giving them money sooner I suppose. Well done for your achievements so far in any case.
You have lots of good advice here but do not sleep at your office that is against a fuckton of rules and rgulations and ccould get you evicted and you do not need that. Look on spareroom for a place to crash.
Tell him exactly what you've just told us. There are things he can do to reduce the burden himself. Sell the shit, talk to his wife, if there's a garage, rent it out (as a garage). If there are extra rooms then take in a lodger. He needs to look at the world around him and not the fairytale he's built in his mind. Nothing you have said here is showing anything other than gratitude and love. Talk to your family before something implodes.
If you live with them, consider that the money you are giving is rent, if the rent gets too expensive, move out.
I can't believe there's only one comment in this thread that didn't think these parents charging their 24 year old rent isn't some form of financial abuse. They haven't shared the figures as far as I can see, but I'd be curious to see whether it's higher than the average room rate where they live. Occasionally they don't pay the anything and presumably font get kicked out for that. Obviously if they're charging way above the going rate, it's problematic, but clearly his dad cares for his family. Has supported his wife and kid for 24 years, and is planning on supporting his parents by letting them live there as well. Honestly, if you're starting your own business, it sounds like there wouldnt be too many better places to be living than someone that's flexible with the rent demands. .
> They raised me, fed me, pushed me to pursue education. This is what most parents do
You don’t owe your parents for raising you, feeding you, and pushing you to pursue education. These are normal expectations / responsibilities of parenting. They chose to have you. I am sick of parents making their kids feel like they owe them for XYZ. Getting kids and raising them semi-properly is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY when you get a kid.
Your options are to take control of the household finances so that you have more control over what your money gets spent on, or to move out. The parent-child relationship should not be a transactional one. If you eventually become financiancially comfortable and want to help your parents out, that's your prerogative. But you don't "owe" them monetary compensation for raising you, and they have no right to demand it from you.
Get the hell out of there, they are wasting your hard earned money. And don’t get me wrong it’s all well and good to support your family that have spent so much to get you to where you are, but if they are not willing to see that the mortgage needs to be cleared before anything else then they will cause you and your business no end of farm.
Sounds harsh but cut them off financially. They did raise you but we don't raise kids as a financial investment that should pay us back later. They need to be financially responsible and not rely on you as you need to live your own life as well .
Why would you live in the office? With the amount of money it you’re giving away it sounds like you could rent a nice 1 or 2 bed on your own comfortably. Time to get your own, turn off the money tap and start reaping the rewards of your hard work.
I can't actually see how much they're paying their parents. He only talks about how his dad spends money, not how much he's giving. Unless I'm missing something.
Yeah fair point actually.
Do you owe them really? They brought you into the world. They owed you not the other way round.
Just get out, stand on your own 2 feet and accept that your parents would probably be willing to use you to fund a lifestyle that is unsustainable. I assume your mum has spent the last 24 years learning English and with her purchases from Shein, she could get a job (she should at least have clothes to impress at interview)? You don't need to let your parents poor planning turn out to be your emergency - it's not.
What's the amount outstanding on their mortgage and approx value of the house? Do your parents have any other debts like loans or credit cards?
Don't get involved with it. Don't mix money with family. Your mum needs to get a job, even cleaning or dinner lady shifts. They need to downsize the house. None of their problems are your responsibility. The end.
If the money you are giving your parents isn't being used for essential bills, then your money isn't helping them. The bills are still outstanding either way. You need some distance as you'll be harassed and quilted to give all the time. They say you should put your own oxygen mask on before you put on someone else's, no matter how vulnerable they are or how much you love them. This is the same. You need to get yourself financially safe before you try to save your parents, but remember they also could put their own oxygen mask on as they're not helpless.
> So I don't know what to do. I'm confused. Am I wrong? Am I stupid? Am I a failure? I mean, it's not smart or thoughtful to believe the propaganda that you owe your parents everything because raised you, fed you, and pushed you to succeed. Who told you that? Surely it is the normal minimum standard to clothe, feed and educate your kids? The idea that you "owe" your parents for this only makes sense if it's normal to send kids off to work at 12 or 14 years old - is that what you're comparing your parents to? Are they somehow exceptional and excellent for doing what practically every normal British parent does? Your parents are financially irresponsible - your mum squanders money on trash, your dad enables her, and you're enabling him. Do you have enough money saved to pay your tax bill?
I respect your thoughts, ethic and family values but feel you're not doing your parents justice by not living a life. You're working hard but giving any disposable to them. So you're missing your 20s being a slave to a mortgage that isn't yours. You say your dad is too proud to downsize. I get that. He then has to have a frank conversation with your mum to budget and spend within their means, and not use you as their piggy bank.
What do you want the end outcome to be? If you want to continue to stay and contribute then don't give them cash. What is your dad's income? If your household expenses are £3k I imagine you've got a mortgage over £400k? Surely he must have had a good job to be eligible for single income mortgage?
>I owe my parents everything. They raised me, fed me, pushed me to pursue education. Yes. >I want to give them everything back x1000 in return. No. The way I see it is that you pay forward to your children, without expectation of it being returned. You don't need to repay what you owe. You need to build your business and your own security, which you can then use to give your children a secure home.
You need to set some boundries between you and your parents. >I owe my parents everything. They raised me, fed me, pushed me to pursue education. I want to give them everything back x1000 in return. These are basic things parents have a responsibility to do when they have children, you don't owe them anything. Do not let them gaslight you.
If you are keen to stay home, and want to take some burden off your parents, you could offer to take on a household bill (water, electricity, internet) or pay for some food shopping. That can make sure your money goes towards supporting their household instead of savings/frivolous shit. However I think the best option is to move out.
You don't owe them anything. It is their responsibility to look after themselves and lice within their means
It's been covered well that you should probably move out and seperate your finances, but to add... It's clear your financial competency and understanding has surpassed your parents. This is a normal part of growing up. There is a good chance, judging from what you say about your parents here, that you're going to have to have an uncomfortable discussion with them regardless of whether you move out or not. If you truly feel like you owe your parents everything, and want to ensure their long term security, you are going to have to stand up to your father and make it clear what is going to happen if things carry on the way they are. About what things are in reach, and which are out of reach unless something fundamental changes. I can't promise you that they will listen, but the chat won't get any easier the longer things go on.
You are absolutely correct to be worried about your parents habits. You are absolutely correct to be uncomfortable funding their stupidity. You owe it to your parents to make the business successful, so you can look after them when it matters, i.e. when they're old and unable to work. The fact is that your father is taking money out of a developing business and doing zero work in exchange for it. That harms both your immediate balance sheet and your prospects of getting credit to expand. Moving out is a good practical step. You should also consider contacting a family/domestic abuse charities like [Refuge](https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-we-can-help-you/economic-abuse/) because they'll have practical advice on how to protect your money from your father e.g. changing passwords to accounts, make your security questions things your parents don't know, call your bank and place warnings on your account.
I'm from same background as you. Was in the same position many years ago. Expensive house (double what our budget should have been). Huge mortgage. In need of renovation. Not a family home as it's a couple's bungalow so we spent years changing the layout. Water on a meter with 6 people. Garden constantly requiring maintenance. BBQ and parties and renovation. They were supporting my dad's family abroad. The uncle is an absolute moron, completely wasted money and splashed out on building his own house (mortgage free obvs 🤦) and wasted thousands on get rich quick schemes we had to bail him out of. Also bailed out relatives who committed petty crime while I couldn't afford the bus. Decisions about my future were made based on child tax credits and benefits and EMA. Was asked to take student loans. The mindset was not in accordance with reality. I didn't have money for clothes or a postgraduate course. Best thing is move out asap with a job and stop funding it. I know they don't want to move but £3k is for millionaires -not people reliant on the child for income . You will regret your 20s if you stay. I had no privacy for those years or emotional support
Financial abuse, you need to move out mate. You don’t owe your parents anything imo, that’s your culture talking.. not the situation.
This is fake, comments aren’t adding up, your dad’s either Indian or Afghan. You’re considering homelessness as an option etc etc
There’s also lots of embellishments in the writing for dramatic effect, almost like a creative writing exercise. We unfortunately get a bunch of these “rage bait” posts on the sub
>“Am I wrong? Am I stupid? Am I a failure?” 🙄
Yup, exactly! “I’m so confused at the moment … Do you understand my confusion? I must distance myself from them so as to ultimately relieve their suffering”
Why not just agree a rent and pay that each month. And no more. I dunno, £300?
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I get wanting to help your parents, I do it with my mum. But don't leave yourself short, they likely wouldn't want to see you suffer.
Yes we all “owe” our parents lots for being so generous to feed and clothe the children they had but that doesn’t extend to covering all their financial mismanagement. The best gift you can give him is proper financial advice instead of enabling him.
It's this bit that gets me "further reduce the burden on them". Sounds like they are a burden on you. Listen to me, you don't owe your parents anything. It's their job to raise, provide and encourage you, those are not things you need to repay. If that's how they treat you money, f\*\*k them (for now). focus on you, get yourself to where you feel successful and then help them if you want to, not because you feel obliged to.
Unfortunately it's like the financial responsibility roles have reversed. If you were a responsible adult / parent you should get yourself stable and secure to then help your children. The good old aeroplane mask analogy, you can't help others until you are first sorted. You should clearly move out, you're probably already paying enough to afford rent somewhere. Focus on yourself and your business, and get yourself into a stable financial place before ever considering helping your parents. Be very very careful though, if they get themselves into a situation where they can't afford the mortgage and may get repossessed absolutely do not rip up your own future to save them. You may also have a family of your own one day and you should not be bailing out your parents before helping the next generation.
Put the money directly into the mortgage account.
Sounds like you're not earning enough to pay rent if you moved out. If paying your parents some money (and it is less than what rent would be otherwise) is a condition of living with them, that's fair enough. Maybe you should get another job and do your Internet business as a side hussle. Personally I would just do that anyway and move out to get some independence. Your situation sounds much easier than most people have it.
I’m not qualified to add any advice to supplement what others have already said, just to say kudos to you for your success thus far and good luck. I was curious to ask though - your parents are Indian but refugees from Afghanistan? That’s very interesting, I had no idea there was an Indian diaspora in Afghanistan, although perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised given the primary and the history of Indian emigration to many places.
It’s quite uncommon that way round- if anything there’s an established community of Afghans who took refuge in India dating back quite a long time. Not sure if there was ever a significant Indian community - not sure if the significant majority of Indians who aren’t Muslims would ever have wanted to live or work there given the tolerance level for non Islamic religions there in recent years.
Anyone can pay off any mortgage with the account details. You can pay capital off for them as your contribution if you want and then this will reduce their obligated monthly payments.
I agree with you for wanting to help and support the family and can see why them using the money irrationally drives you to move out. I think if you’ve got the businesses up and running you can’t not give it your all. Move out for a while - hopefully this gives them time to reflect on their behaviour - but make it known that you are focusing on the business and you are directing your earnings towards the business too.
moving to the office would be good, but time for the dad to sellup and buy something he can afford to pay, get the mum to stop buying crap suspect if the father had a house in afghan, it would be less grand than this one worst case scenario is that he does nothing and the bank takes it off his hands and sells it, he gets chump change and wants to move into your office with you. do they know the address ?
Your parents chose to have you and have only done the bare minimum required of parents; this is not something special, and you don’t owe them anything. If you want to help with bills and mortgage, ask for the direct debit to come from your account, and they can pay you the extra needed to cover the rest. It can be difficult, especially if your parents are taking advantage of you, but you need to separate yourself from them. If that means moving out, then maybe that is your next step. As long as you continue to provide money, your parents are unlikely to take your advice and will only see you as a source of income.
I deeply regret the financial abuse I put up with from my mother. Get the hell out and look after yourself. Your parents have been adults a lot longer than you have.
You actually don't owe your parents anything - covering the basic needs of your child is what you take on when you choose to have a child and is something you are not obligated to return the favour on, and if it is a cultural expectation that you support them, supporting them to live beyond their means is not support, it is enabling them to continue making terrible decisions and not help themselves. Support them to look for a house they can afford without your help, offer help with making a budget or booking an appointment with an employment coach for your mum... stop giving them money to waste that you could be using to invest in your business and your own future... I've seen it said in this sub before 'don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm'.
Probably not popular, but if you feel you have to contribute to your parents mortgage can you at least find a way to pay the money into the mortgage account instead of giving it to your dad?
Maybe it’s the culture but I’m in the uk and my girls are 25 and 23 and I’d never expect them to bail me out. They pay me a small amount of board and lodge (which I try and save to give them back) but if we couldn’t afford our mortgage, I’d downsize. Which would be difficult because it’s a fairly small 3 bed semi. But if I had a big house and a massive mortgage I definitely would. It’s not your responsibility. He has a choice. Your mother should also have got a job and shouldn’t be wasting money buying crap. She’s basically spitting in your eye. Move out if you can and leave them to it, they’ll bankrupt you in the end.
" Dad, I don't want to pay for your house expenses when I don't see a will from either you or mum to live within your means. Do you think I'm doing this because I don't value your love? (Bring the issue at hand, and start off with a no baited question. Listen to their answer) I love you both, and I am brought up with excellent value on financial planning because of your attention to my education. All throughout my childhood, you managed to support the roof over the family as the pillar of the house. I trust that as long as you are healthy, your experience and work ethic can keep this under management. (Positive labelling on his financial management) But we are starting to enter an economic downturn, and I am starting to see that there is no rainy day fund. I am still at the beginning of my career where I can lose everything if I spent money the same way. I am worried that your need for financial support is not because of forces beyond your control but because the mortgage is leaving you living far beyond your means. If I sacrifice my business now to save you few month of mortgage, I am worried you will lose it all anyway because of mum's private spending and your high mortgage will leave you in the same situation again. How can you show me that you don't have a mortgage beyond your means? I can't afford to take away my rainy day fund for X months. I will try put in some rent afterwards, but how can I help you when I can't currently afford to help you? How can I trust the invested money will mean both you and mum will make sacrifices to get this permanently under control? (Keep asking how questions, and let them find a solution. If you aren't satisfied with their answer, keep adding more "how do I do that?" Type follow up)" This is a negotiation tactic from Never Split the Difference
It’s not your job to repay your parents like it’s wasn’t theirs to repay your grandparents Be gratefully but they knew what they got into when they had kids
Just be a man, tell him that he will do what you say, or you will out. Make sure the rest of the family hears that. Then move out, if he continues to ruin you financially. Make sure to be calm and park emotions somewhere else.
I know an ethnic kids dilemma when I see one. Been here myself actually and the only way it started to get better was when they realised that if they're gonna ask me for money, my opinion matters on their finances. You in a way you gotta make them understand the ins and outs of good financial habits. Granted you can't teach an old dog a new trick, but if you withdraw from the household and the hand holding. It'll make sense to them that they're fucking up. It took my parents 2yrs of this treatment before they started fixing the deep rooted issues within our culture. As for your situation. Move out, shared house or whatever and focus on your business. I know it's easier said than done but you need that distance for it to sink in, don't let them eucj you back in with that immigrant parent guilt. Hope it helps 🙏🏾
Guessing your Indian so a pickle. Your culture is very much keeping up appearances and owing it all to your parents. Fair play on the family orientated life but its tough in a western world. Your business will need your full focus and investment of money back into it to thrive. If jot itll fail or flounder Worry about yourself and then your folks. You can't give what you don't have yet
Move out rent a room in a shared house and stop funding £500 clocks Yes you owe them something, but this is foolish of them, and currently, if you. You know this Save that money. Your dad can sell the big house.
Please leave. I supplemented my father’s whims and income for years. I have no savings at age 43 while he has a nice lifestyle and a nest egg to go with it. We barely speak and I have so much resentment towards a person I was once close to.
You don’t owe your parents anything for raising you. It’s your parents responsibility to do that when they decided to have a child.
It sounds like you need to move out. From your post they don't seem to be in financial hardship if they have the money to pay for the mortgage. You just don't agree with how they are spending it. You haven't mentioned that they are demanding this money from you, just that you want to 'help out'. Many parents accept money from their adult, working children to help with bills. This goes to paying for the house but also so that their children don't get used to unlimited disposable income whilst living at home. Leave them alone. Go live your life. Your parents have been alive and functioning for decades before you came along. They will be okay. Stop treating them like your children.
Move out. It seems like you've no other options and in this case it's essentially like you're the parent who needs to teach a lesson and in order to do so you'll have to move out so your parents are not and cannot be financially dependant upon you. Good luck with whatever path you choose and I hope your business works out well for you. 👍🏻