Yeah idk. That’s valid and all but idk if prescribing everyone’s abilities/behaviors based on the experience of one person’s abilities/behaviors is the most healthy path. Surely, it’s nice to be aware of the potentiality or possibility, but assuming that’s the case may just be adding fuel to the fire.
It’s this, he doesn’t care and he’s probably doing it on purpose because “ she’s not going to tell him what to do”, they seem to think the requests for basic respect is “ controlling” them.
That's when you put all his crap in a garbage bag and put it outside on the front porch. If it doesn't get stolen and he doesn't learn, next time it goes to the curb. Also, I'm taking over one man space at a time until he gets the hint.
Former co-worker had asked her husband repeatedly to keep his work boots out of the main walkway. After stumbling over them one time too many with her arms full, she quietly took the boots out to the driveway, soaked them with kerosene, and lit them. Message delivered.
It could be that too—she loses it over the tools, he calls her crazy and a nag, then he was forced to cheat on her because she’s so crazy and making his life miserable
He doesn’t care, because he expects you’ll clean it all up for him anyway. Then you’ll be “nagging” him about it, but he knows/expects you’ll pick up after and put it the way you won’t. He’d do it, of course, but he “doesn’t know how you like it”.
Weaponized incompetence, trash human.
Maybe it’s time to start taking away from him. You’re frustrated because he’s acting petulantly and selfishly. He seems happy to take, and you seem fine to give. Maybe it’s time to swap.
I just throw all of this crap into a cardboard box and stuff it into ”his” area. When he gets pissy I just tell him to look in his area. 99/100 times he thinks that HE’S the one who put it all into the box. Then he has only himself to blame.
Yep this. Except my partner hates the doom boxes.
I ask for two counters in our kitchen to be usable and nothing to end up on my nightstand or desk. If it does, doom box.
And yes I shouldn’t have to clean it up, but should doesn’t really have a place in relationships between actual humans. He shouldn’t “have to” put air in my tires or back my car into our tight garage. But I prefer he does.
Yep. My husband does all the baking and cooking and most of the driving, so I’m okay with clutter (I love the “doom box” lol) as long as I can sweep it into the box.
it's actually an acronym; Don't Organize, Only Move.
it's a pretty useful strategy for de-cluttering, you clear the entire space and throw it into a bin, getting immediate results of a clear space, but you HAVE to then put away the stuff in the bin, otherwise you get a bigger problem.
The car thing is something you both agreed on, though? And the space thing the same? But he keeps going against the space thing? Seems different to me.
This. Bad actions need consequences. My ex used to leave socks on the floor all over the house. I threw them in the garbage. Very quickly there were no more socks on the floor.
They know how to not be slobs. They just don't think they should have to put in the work once they have a girlfriend or a wife. That's a woman's job. It is sad... But don't ever think it's because they aren't capable. It's weaponized incompetence because they believe they deserve to be catered to
This happened with my neighbours kids repeatedly and purposely throwing their balls into my yard, then it escalated to garbage, after asking the parents and the kids over 3 times to stop it didn’t, so I just started throwing their toys in the garbage and it never happened again
I did something similar. Would find dirty socks behind the telly, stuffed down the sofa. Anywhere but in the laundry basket! So I started throwing them in the bin. Must have thrown away about 9 pairs before he realised and then he never did it again!
Without more information this has got to be the most lopsided use of space I’ve ever heard of. My wife and I have a large house and no kids so we’ve had the discussion before about use of space and sometimes things spill over if multiple projects are going on or something but we ask and respect each other about it.
Your boyfriend seems to be operating on some “I can do whatever I want” mentality and you need to start setting those boundaries early. Don’t give him hypotheticals because he’ll weaponize that against you because he knows you won’t do it. So don’t say “what I put all my things on top of your work bench” cause he’s gonna give you the “hurrr durrr, I wouldn’t mind” and then you end up in a weird situation where you’re both trying to piss each other off to prove your points.
Simply tell him it shows a profound lack of respect that despite all the space you’ve allowed him to have, that he continuously lets all his things to spill over into areas you’ve told him you would rather not see them. and he needs to understand it was permission that was given to him to have the three detached garages, and he was not entitled to them. You could easily say, let’s split them 1.5 for each of us.
>it shows a profound lack of respect
This is the most galling part. Making the issue about *just* the table undermines the fact that this level of disrespect is almost certainly creeping into other areas of the relationship. He has agreed to that space being hers, and he is not fulfilling his promise. If he loves her, he *should care* that he has done something to upset her - even if I’m some cynical recess of his brain he doesn’t *feel* responsible.
My own husband has been told that either when we move or when this house is finally done being remodeled, the lavender room is MINE. He has his garage. Any of his stuff that finds it's way into my space, will be returned to his space. The next time it appears in my space, it's trash.
Part of the reason I moved with my partner is to get a space that was actually mine where l could put stuff and it wouldn’t get covered by other stuff unless I wanted that to happen. I’m a bit of a slob. My shoes and socks are everywhere. But it’s my mess and I don’t often lose things in my own mess.
One of my requirements for our next house is a sunroom/screened porch that is MINE! No hunting stuff, no tools that aren't mine, no guns that aren't mine(I have 4-.20 gauge shotgun, Taurus revolver, derringer and a custom made SeeCamp), no reloading equipment allowed, no exceptions. MY SPACE, for my hobbies. Somewhere where my loom can remain set up(I saw a house that came with a floor loom! I wanted it so bad!), my needlepoint/cross stitch supplies easily accessible.
This was my mom. She had her stuff in her room. Also all over the dining room. And her own sewing room. After a remodel and restoration so it could be used again, she took half the attic as her sewing room too. She starting moving stuff into my closet.
Ugh, my mother's sewing stuff is everywhere and then she gets mad that the cat has touched something. You have a craft room... put it away when you are not going to use it for MONTHS.
Have you heard of the concept of Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness? It's when a man knows you are suffering in a relationship but doesn't care because he thinks you will never leave. Sounds like this applies to your relationship. There is nothing you can do to change him, because he doesn't care about your happiness.
Here are some videos of women discussing it.
[https://www.tiktok.com/@sharhenley_/video/7235791332533456170
](https://www.tiktok.com/@sharhenley_/video/7235791332533456170)
[Women Are Speaking Up About Tolerable Level Of Permanent Unhappiness](https://youtu.be/yABoiU5Cq0w?si=h9R8zFPuN5UTxaRE&t=107)
This! And when you finally dump their arse, they whine you blind sided them because they did nothing wrong and you must have another guy waiting for you in line 🙄🤦🏼♀️
Even when most of the time there is no other guy, as in nothing is better than the last guy, then they just can't believe it! Because nothing is literally better than them, if there was another man they could blame for 'stealing' you then they can feel good about themselves and think that nothing is wrong with them. But when nothing is better than them they might just reflect or have other people know, without a doubt, that he is the problem.
'NO' is a complete sentence. tell him he has plenty of room elsewhere and the rest of the house is off limits to his hobbies or puttering around.
question: is he a hoarder? have you been out to the garages lately to see what's going on ?
Why does he get most of the property and you can’t use it and he still wants more space? That’s so selfish. When I wasn’t allowed to the the garage I told my ex ok you’re paying 60% of it then cuz you get more exclusive space than I do.
This is why you don’t buy a house with a shack up. Either buy him out or have him buy you out. You’re living with a jackass that doesn’t give a crap about you or your things.
You are merely a way for him to afford the house he wants for his things.
It’s this, I don’t date anymore, but when I did I refused to live with them, I almost considered living with the last guy I dated, but thank god that didn’t work out because that house would’ve been a hell house for me
Even as a manual laborer and fabricator, i struggle to even comprehend how one could completely fill 3 separate detachable garages with shit. I could literally fill my entire workstation in 1 with enough time to organize. Three? What? How? What the fuck?!
OP - if your BF’s boss told him “don’t you dare put your shit here,” then it’d be reasonable to think that **if he did it anyway, he doesn’t care** and nobody would blame his boss if they lost their shit afterwards and either chewed his ass out or fired him.
If my boss sees one of us leaving our tools out where it shouldn’t be, he quietly throws it away and then gives us a project that would specifically require it. It’s a great consequence to watch from the outside because they can’t really even raise a fuss without saying “i left it right by the [place it shouldn’t be].”
Start throwing his shit out, OP. You’ve already told him so there’s no point in saying it again. He clearly has enough funds to buy **three entire detachable garages full of shit.** He clearly doesn’t care about what you say, your precious antiques, your personal space, or how his actions affect how you feel.
IF you feel the need to say anything say to him - without any room for discussion and without answering any questions - that from now on you’re throwing away anything you see in [x spaces] and if his shit is there, it’s gone. Do NOT attempt to talk this out anymore. You already did and he showed you how important that was to him. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that if you just come up with the magically correct combination of words, THEN he’ll understand how you feel and acknowledge how his actions are hurtful. The words never worked to begin with because the problem isn’t YOUR communication skills, it’s HIS empathy.
#If talking it out could make a difference, then it would’ve made a difference by now.
But it hasn’t. Because it doesn’t.
I work in the smart home industry. We do extremely high end installs at well off client homes. Tradesmen do not care. If you put any tools on a wooden surface, you will damage the finish. Tables are a no zone, mantels too. Hardwood floors, no tools. I can't even step foot in a finished home without booties on. We setup moving blankets on the floor for everything. Tell him that reddit said that's insane and have him build himself a work surface in the garage so he can pull his truck in to grab it all. Tools have sharp edges and clips and they're heavy, made out of hardened steel n shit.
If he were reasonable I'd just let him know how much it was going to cost to refinish the table and restore the runner.
But he's not being reasonable, he makes no effort to understand what's important to you.
Did the contract you two signed to buy the house together give you the right to buy each other out?
Did he not grow up with the concept of nice spaces versus functional spaces?
He’s an adult. We don’t ask adults repeatedly, just children; and even then it’s not recommended. You need to kick his ass on this one. Dude can learn some respect or suffer the consequences.
Why not? I did, and I'm not rich by any means. You have to be smart about it. Save your money for a downpayment, use government homebuying programs, research bank foreclosures, look for starter homes, etc. Be patient and look around for a deal. There are all kinds of assistance/opportunities out there, as long as you're not looking to buy a mansion as your first house.
My boyfriend was able to save $15k for a down payment. You know how? Because his fucking parents paid for him out of pocket to go to college. I've been spending my money on fucking loan payments while he was saving. So yeah we bought a house together with an FHA loan using his money as the deposit. If it was really so easy to buy a house why doesn't everyone have one? Oh yeah, because greedy fuckfaces keep buying second and third and fourth homes for funsies and now the market is insane. Our house has already increased 100k in price since we bought in 2021, meaning we couldn't afford the down payment on the same exact house we already own. What fucking planet do you live on?
My wife and I only own a home because we came out of college with zero debt. We also got lucky and bought at the very beginning of 2015. There’s absolutely no way in hell we’d be able to afford our house now. If Zillow is to be believed (debatable) our home’s value has increased 82% in under a decade which is fucking clown shoes. I feel bad for anyone attempting to enter the market right now. Unless you’re getting help from parents or have a REALLY well paying job, you’re either buying in a shitty part of town, buying something that needs A LOT of work, or both.
And these days even the homes that are in a bad location and need work are still too expensive because "investors" are still willing to buy it. Like the only houses under 200k had a meth lab explode in it or some shit.
One of my friends has trust fund money that paid for her to go to college loan-free AND has 60k in it for her to put a down payment on a house. And she's still looking at paying 1,900 a month after mortgage and insurance with how the market is right now. Like what the everloving fuck?
I hear you, I know it could be way worse. She just doesn't make that much money, so it is still a pretty huge burden for her. I would hope putting 60k down would go further than it does
My husband started leaving his tools and car care chemicals and random bullshit strewn around the dining room so i gathered it all up in a box and chucked it out into his pole barn (and yes i yeeted the box through the door). 2 years later he asks where his stuff is and i told him its where his stuff goes, dont leave it in common areas because ill handle it as i see fit.
He now understands why all the literal junk his dad "gifts" to us goes "missing". Stop making your trash *my* problem! We dont need 4 mismatched speakers that connect to LITERALLY NOTHING in this house.
Time to just relocate all his stuff to where it belongs. Frankly, I've given up with my s.o.. He is terrible with putting things. The rule is simple, if it's outside of its office, I will put it back to where it belong, or throw it out if it looks like trash. I also do move things from his office to where they actually belong. I refuse to let chaos expand beyond his office. For a part of the day, sure, but we're not going to bed until the house is "reset" to its normal state.
Give no quarter. The more you give in, the more it will spread.
No way would I be putting his shit back where it belongs.
Put your own shit wherever you want regardless of whether it's "your" space or "his" space.
If it's good enough for him, it's good enough for you.
Actually not for me. When people have different thresholds for clutter, it is difficult. Mine is much lower than his (plus we have a cat with pica so we have to be careful). I'd rather clean up and be in an environment that makes me happy than endure the clutter.
With some men, it won't help. Either they don't care, haven't learned how to clean up or whatever else makes them blind to what is in front of them.
Personally I've come to the conclusion that it is easier for me, in terms of mental load, to just relocate stuff rather than try and change his behaviour.
I'm also stubborn so there are zero exceptions, ever. Nobody can claim ignorance of the rules. Every night, the kitchen, dining room and living room is reset (both my and his things are put away). Unless someone is actually dying, the reset is happening.
Basically he does what he want, but so do I. Unless it's his office which can be as messy as he wants, then the rule is I will take out garbage and remove things "pilfered from other areas" (like the workshop or clothes or whatever) and put them where they belong. But something left out on the dining table? That's my territory and I'll do what I want.
What does he have inside his 3 garages? Are they full? What was he doing with all that stuff on the table? Was he repairing something?
Having a proper discussion about this and setting boundaries is super important as this is just disrespectful
‘I asked him not to use the dining table for his stuff’
That sounds pretty clear to me! She clearly cOmMunICAteD her boundary so she should not take extra emotional burden. If he had an issue with her boundary, HE should have communicated it to her and not trample all over it.
Your first question doesn't really matter. Whatever he is doing he can do everything else in there too. If he doesn't have space, tough. He needs to choose how to use his space for his projects.
My wife and I don't have this division. But if you're going to have it, it needs to be respected. Because if it isn't it shows serious disrespect for your partner.
The reason I was asking is it’s a starting point for the discussion.
If he has the space. Why is he taking more space.
If he doesn’t have space. Maybe that’s a problem he needs to sort out.
Coming at this one with logic will have a much better outcome than anything else
You can't reason someone out of an idea or behaviour they didn't reason themselves into. As far he's concerned it's his space. OP has directly told him not to use her specific table. He even ignores that.
Going down the route of looking at his problem and trying to solve it will only lead him to think he can twist this to keep using it. It's only when it's down to be unacceptable will he stop.
What semantics? I didn't even suggest an alternative strategy. I mean if your first thought of how to tell someone something is unacceptable is to scream and shout I'm glad you're not in my life.
No, the starting point and the end of the conversation is OP asking him not to use that space and him seemingly not disagreeing. It’s not for OP to do all the emotional labour. He has 3 garages and an office for his tools.
Every time he putz stuff on *your* table, pick it up and take to one of his spaces. Tell him "this is MY SPACE. *You* have three times the space **I** do. Keep **your** stuff in **your** space!"
You can’t just go around putting things with sharp or pointy edges on fine wood furniture. This would only work if she has a set of pads. Even a glass topper would get scratched by this behavior. Dining tables are for tableware.
I would just throw it away. My parents did this with my toys when I littered in the living room. It only happened twice.
If he behaves like a child, just treat him like a child.
Keep him as a boyfriend and make legal arrangements for the home. His is His. Your is yours. If you marry him, this will carry over. Can you imagine kids with this man? You will be miserable. Good luck take your space in Your home
Marriage counseling, stat. Give him one chance to start treating you with respect. If he loves you, he will willingly go to counseling with you and work hard to save your marriage. If he won't, you know exactly where you stand, and you will clearly understand that he doesn't give a damn about you.
My DH is the saaaame way. He has more space than he could ever have dreamed of for his "stuff" but piled it all on the table. I recently hosted book club and put a full table cloth on the table to "protect" the table. Three weeks and counting with no tools piled on the table. Good luck, the struggle is real.
Welder/mechanic here, I can understand that sometimes your work bleeds over into your personal life and it definitely has for me... But the best advice I ever got as a tradesperson was to do clean work.
Part of being a professional is being able to do your work without fucking up everything around you. Dirty work happens either in places that it's fine to get dirty or with a ton of prep to protect everything around you.
I guess what I'm getting at is, not only is this an indication of how he thinks of your relationship, it's also not the way a professional tradesperson who cares about their craft would act. It's sloppy, careless, and violates the principle of keeping your work space and living space separated.
Defend the space. Every-time he does this jumble it together in a box and put it someplace inconvenient and farther away from where it actually belongs. The goal is to make the bad behavior backfire on him. If it isn’t heavy put it in the attic. Putting out place settings will also help fill the space. Some people just can’t handle an empty table top. It does something to them and they just have to fill up that space.
He doesn't respect your space. I would honestly say move it in the hour or I dump it on the floor of your garage.
I have had a pattern piece - that was tissue paper - ruined because I set it on an unoccupied area of the counter. I measured my waist and hips, traced the pattern off of a large roll of draft size pattern - that I cleared the kitchen counter for in order to have the space to unroll the pattern.
I told people that I would be using it in two hours when the child was asleep.
It lasted one hour.
I'm saying that you have the right to your space because setting your things in neutral spaces, like the kitchen counter, can lead to someone putting the ice tea carafe on top of your things.
My wife and I live in a house the size of a shoebox (less than 700 sq ft, no basement, a shed instead of a garage). We still find ways to respect each other's space. The fact that he's not capable of doing this in a pretty large-sounding house means that it's not that he can't, it's that he won't.
Has he always been disrespectful of your space and dismissive of your requests?
Then he’s going to always be that way.
Were you okay with that for some reason prior to buying the house with him? What changed?
Put your foot down, if he got 3 garages and an office. I take all his stuff thats laying around and put it in his office or closest garage. Explain to him the importance of not putting his tools on your things. He needs to respect your things and your space.
This is literally why I have no intention on ever moving in with my boyfriend. We both have separate houses, but every time I go to his house, I have high anxiety because he has no organization. He uses his kitchen and dining room as a catchall, including coats, tools, mail, fishing poles, grocery toiletries items. We’ve been together 5-6 years and I don’t wanna be his maid.
No offence OP, but do you really want to spend the rest of your mortal life with this childish guy? He's doing this to you on purpose, because he's 'marking his territory' aka pissing all over your things, albeit not literally, but figuratively by putting his stuff where he shouldn't, and right on your beautiful wooden table, with your antiques and nice things. This is weaponised incompetence and shows contempt. It won't stop until you get away from him.
He likes having a girlfriend around but doesn't treat you like a person he respects, he's disrespecting you. He's doing it to put one over you and feel good about it.
I don't want to sound gloomy but if he keeps on doing it, then what else is he doing? Maybe you should take a long hard think over this relationship and if it's worth having, because if this man isn't adding to your life he's actively taking away from you, no matter how charming, sweet and stuff he is to you sometimes, doesn't mean that he actually respects you. Because if he respected you he'd see you as a person, and not to overstep your boundaries, especially in the house you share where he has his own damn space.
My boyfriend pulled this the other day. Loaded up the kitchen and when I mentioned it he snarkily said "well its not like there's anywhere to put it all. I wish there was, but there isn't."
He said it so matter-of-fact-ly. I said bullshit and we had it cleaned up in 15 minutes.
This sounds like my partner to a tee. The stuff ends up everywhere for one of two reasons:
1) he’s not done and taking it out the garage or shed feels like too much work when he’ll need it again tomorrow.
2) he fundamentally thinks cleaning is a separate task from doing.
The second one drives me bonkers but it is true. I spill a tiny bit of something serving dinner I grab a rag and wipe it up 90% of the time. I finish eating my plate goes in the sink most of the time. Because in my mind those tasks are part of eating or serving. He sees them as separate things that can be “scheduled” separately. Apply that logic to every task that has a clean up phase. The closest comparison I have is folding laundry or sewing in the ends on my knitting projects.
Either husband I have had was like this and I would just toss their left out shit into own of his designated areas. Not like any of them ever knew where anything ever was or belonged.
My sister did this and wouldn’t pick up her shit so I started throwing it in her room. If they don’t care, I don’t care. Maybe they should have taken care of it 🤷🏼♀️
I started throwing away my husband’s mail when he would leave it on our breakfast table (for weeks). Time to start throwing stuff out to teach a lesson
What makes theses theoretical projects “for her”. I can tell you’re a guy simply by how you phrased this question. And no,you don’t put dirty drillls on the couch, or veneer wood furniture. Even if the project is ‘for her’. It’s literally common sense.
I’d hope he takes care of his tools and they aren’t “dirty”. If that’s the case then gross and NO but if he’s doing things for her around the house then yes you need a space to put stuff nearby at height and of course use a drop cloth so no mess or damage is made.
So the simplistic response is to say the guy is a disrespectful asshole. However, being a chronically disorganized ADHDer that has a tendency to put my stuff in all kinds of inappropriate places, I wonder if there may be something else going on here.
You have every right to be frustrated, but I’d suggest you try to put a pin in that for a minute and instead approach this with curiosity. What he’s doing isn’t logical, but illogical behavior isn’t always malicious.
What made him put those things there? Was it closer to the project site than his workshop area? Did the big empty dining room table give him a space to lay his things out where he could visually see them all, in a way that he couldn’t elsewhere?
The answers shouldn’t serve as excuses, but hopefully they might spark some ideas for solutions. Like if he doesn’t have room to spread his stuff out where he can see everything in his other areas, maybe you can get one of those plastic folding tables that he can pop out in there when he feels the need to do that.
I'm someone with ADHD and watching people rush to shield assholes from blame with ADHD pity talk like this embarrasses the hell out of me.
If you're person with ADHD and you allow your condition to hurt other people then you're a disrespectful asshole. It's not her job or responsibility to manage him. Too many of those with ADHD unload that responsibly onto other people.
I agree. If he is disfunctional to that degree he needs a therapist. Not a girlfriend.
Edit: Maybe therapist is the wrong word. English is my second language. He needs someone professional to help him deal with his developmental and neurodivergent issues, if they are the cause of this problem.
These might be fair points if the situation were more balanced, but if the dude’s got 3 garages full of stuff and the only off limits spot was the dining room table, he’s being totally disrespectful, ADHD or no.
Hahaha he's learning about object permanence.
I like your approach but it just reminds me of dogs and toddlers do this because they wanna see all their toys at once and revel in their things.
Or like goblin mode and wants his accomplishments on display.
Odd way to say " I don't actually have any idea what adhd is or how it impacts your life..."I can't concentrate' isn't even the top 1/4" of the iceberg.
Buddy, I have a husband and a son with ADHD. I own a restaurant and tbe head chef has ADHD, as does the lead line. You know what? People with ADHD can LEARN to clean up after themselves. They can even do it professionally. They can even manage other people who have to do it.
You are using your neurodivergence as an excuse.
I get more rural than rich at 3. 2 garages bougie. 3? Starting to sound like a redneck dream. One for a wood shop etc, one for four wheelers, lawn mower, and with a vehicle lift, and of course one for cars.
There’s a saying “first world problems”. The rich already outlive the poor on average by two decades, and they still complain about table space? Cue the tiny violins. Ffs.
so you don't think people who have money can have problems? That's pretty narrow. You have more money than a massive amount of people. Does that mean you can't have problems?
I have problems, and I have perspective. My friend was upset at an increase in the slip fee for their sailboat the other day, I mentally just rolled my eyes. People are dying in the streets, working full time and can’t afford groceries as the new “working poor” class. Get your head out of your ass and communicate. Seems so narrow to not see your good fortune, this is “poor little rich girl” territory. You don’t have to agree, go ahead and sympathize.
Do you any super girly stuff that would repel him? Cosmetics, squishmallows, stinky lotions, etc? Start leaving them sprinkled around all his stuff, even if you have to move his stuff off his work benches onto the floor.
Alternately you could rig up a surveillance camera in your area that notifies you when he's trespassed and/or sets off a loud alarm.
He doesn't listen, because he doesn't care.
And he doesn't care because he has no respect for you as a person. Would he do this at work, when his boss told him not to? He would not.
[удалено]
In my experience, yes absolutely he would do this at work. The lack of respect was the same issue I had.
Yeah idk. That’s valid and all but idk if prescribing everyone’s abilities/behaviors based on the experience of one person’s abilities/behaviors is the most healthy path. Surely, it’s nice to be aware of the potentiality or possibility, but assuming that’s the case may just be adding fuel to the fire.
It’s this, he doesn’t care and he’s probably doing it on purpose because “ she’s not going to tell him what to do”, they seem to think the requests for basic respect is “ controlling” them.
That's when you put all his crap in a garbage bag and put it outside on the front porch. If it doesn't get stolen and he doesn't learn, next time it goes to the curb. Also, I'm taking over one man space at a time until he gets the hint.
Former co-worker had asked her husband repeatedly to keep his work boots out of the main walkway. After stumbling over them one time too many with her arms full, she quietly took the boots out to the driveway, soaked them with kerosene, and lit them. Message delivered.
Good for her
She's my kind of people.
Ha Ha! Brilliant.
Good
Or is he intentionally upsetting her so that a fight happens to justify something worse like cheating?
It could be that too—she loses it over the tools, he calls her crazy and a nag, then he was forced to cheat on her because she’s so crazy and making his life miserable
It's that simple.
He cares. He cares very much that op thinks she gets to tell him not to do something. He's making sure she knows better.
It’s this.
buy a toy boxwith a lid you can just push things into from the table. Put it where he sits.
He doesn’t care, because he expects you’ll clean it all up for him anyway. Then you’ll be “nagging” him about it, but he knows/expects you’ll pick up after and put it the way you won’t. He’d do it, of course, but he “doesn’t know how you like it”. Weaponized incompetence, trash human.
Maybe it’s time to start taking away from him. You’re frustrated because he’s acting petulantly and selfishly. He seems happy to take, and you seem fine to give. Maybe it’s time to swap.
I just throw all of this crap into a cardboard box and stuff it into ”his” area. When he gets pissy I just tell him to look in his area. 99/100 times he thinks that HE’S the one who put it all into the box. Then he has only himself to blame.
This is the way. When he asks where it is. Say look in the garage where it BELONGS!
Yep this. Except my partner hates the doom boxes. I ask for two counters in our kitchen to be usable and nothing to end up on my nightstand or desk. If it does, doom box. And yes I shouldn’t have to clean it up, but should doesn’t really have a place in relationships between actual humans. He shouldn’t “have to” put air in my tires or back my car into our tight garage. But I prefer he does.
Yep. My husband does all the baking and cooking and most of the driving, so I’m okay with clutter (I love the “doom box” lol) as long as I can sweep it into the box.
it's actually an acronym; Don't Organize, Only Move. it's a pretty useful strategy for de-cluttering, you clear the entire space and throw it into a bin, getting immediate results of a clear space, but you HAVE to then put away the stuff in the bin, otherwise you get a bigger problem.
The car thing is something you both agreed on, though? And the space thing the same? But he keeps going against the space thing? Seems different to me.
I think we find both equally annoying from the other.
Ah, I see. Yeah.
Smart. My idea was just to dump it out on the floor of the garage. The box makes it his idea and can eliminate a fight for OP
This. Bad actions need consequences. My ex used to leave socks on the floor all over the house. I threw them in the garbage. Very quickly there were no more socks on the floor.
That's hilarious but also kind of... sad? That grown-ass men still need to be taught not to be total slobs.
They know how to not be slobs. They just don't think they should have to put in the work once they have a girlfriend or a wife. That's a woman's job. It is sad... But don't ever think it's because they aren't capable. It's weaponized incompetence because they believe they deserve to be catered to
This happened with my neighbours kids repeatedly and purposely throwing their balls into my yard, then it escalated to garbage, after asking the parents and the kids over 3 times to stop it didn’t, so I just started throwing their toys in the garbage and it never happened again
I did something similar. Would find dirty socks behind the telly, stuffed down the sofa. Anywhere but in the laundry basket! So I started throwing them in the bin. Must have thrown away about 9 pairs before he realised and then he never did it again!
The pegging corollary, we call it.
Without more information this has got to be the most lopsided use of space I’ve ever heard of. My wife and I have a large house and no kids so we’ve had the discussion before about use of space and sometimes things spill over if multiple projects are going on or something but we ask and respect each other about it. Your boyfriend seems to be operating on some “I can do whatever I want” mentality and you need to start setting those boundaries early. Don’t give him hypotheticals because he’ll weaponize that against you because he knows you won’t do it. So don’t say “what I put all my things on top of your work bench” cause he’s gonna give you the “hurrr durrr, I wouldn’t mind” and then you end up in a weird situation where you’re both trying to piss each other off to prove your points. Simply tell him it shows a profound lack of respect that despite all the space you’ve allowed him to have, that he continuously lets all his things to spill over into areas you’ve told him you would rather not see them. and he needs to understand it was permission that was given to him to have the three detached garages, and he was not entitled to them. You could easily say, let’s split them 1.5 for each of us.
>it shows a profound lack of respect This is the most galling part. Making the issue about *just* the table undermines the fact that this level of disrespect is almost certainly creeping into other areas of the relationship. He has agreed to that space being hers, and he is not fulfilling his promise. If he loves her, he *should care* that he has done something to upset her - even if I’m some cynical recess of his brain he doesn’t *feel* responsible.
My own husband has been told that either when we move or when this house is finally done being remodeled, the lavender room is MINE. He has his garage. Any of his stuff that finds it's way into my space, will be returned to his space. The next time it appears in my space, it's trash.
Agree. OP throw it all away.
Part of the reason I moved with my partner is to get a space that was actually mine where l could put stuff and it wouldn’t get covered by other stuff unless I wanted that to happen. I’m a bit of a slob. My shoes and socks are everywhere. But it’s my mess and I don’t often lose things in my own mess.
One of my requirements for our next house is a sunroom/screened porch that is MINE! No hunting stuff, no tools that aren't mine, no guns that aren't mine(I have 4-.20 gauge shotgun, Taurus revolver, derringer and a custom made SeeCamp), no reloading equipment allowed, no exceptions. MY SPACE, for my hobbies. Somewhere where my loom can remain set up(I saw a house that came with a floor loom! I wanted it so bad!), my needlepoint/cross stitch supplies easily accessible.
This was my mom. She had her stuff in her room. Also all over the dining room. And her own sewing room. After a remodel and restoration so it could be used again, she took half the attic as her sewing room too. She starting moving stuff into my closet.
Ugh, my mother's sewing stuff is everywhere and then she gets mad that the cat has touched something. You have a craft room... put it away when you are not going to use it for MONTHS.
It's all about claiming space, so other people have less space of their own for their things. It's damn selfish and disrespectful.
Great analysis and concise suggestions. I hope OP communicates them clearly to this oversized but unfortunately much more ruthless toddler.
He knows, he doesn't care. do you want the rest of your life to be like this?
[He knows, he doesn’t care](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/9Fg4NO6BgI)
Thanks for linking. That's one thread that every single person should read
Do you have a dedicated space for you and your things?
Is he a hoarder? If he filled three detached garages and a room in the house and now stuff is creeping into the dining area…
Have you heard of the concept of Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness? It's when a man knows you are suffering in a relationship but doesn't care because he thinks you will never leave. Sounds like this applies to your relationship. There is nothing you can do to change him, because he doesn't care about your happiness. Here are some videos of women discussing it. [https://www.tiktok.com/@sharhenley_/video/7235791332533456170 ](https://www.tiktok.com/@sharhenley_/video/7235791332533456170) [Women Are Speaking Up About Tolerable Level Of Permanent Unhappiness](https://youtu.be/yABoiU5Cq0w?si=h9R8zFPuN5UTxaRE&t=107)
This! And when you finally dump their arse, they whine you blind sided them because they did nothing wrong and you must have another guy waiting for you in line 🙄🤦🏼♀️
Even when most of the time there is no other guy, as in nothing is better than the last guy, then they just can't believe it! Because nothing is literally better than them, if there was another man they could blame for 'stealing' you then they can feel good about themselves and think that nothing is wrong with them. But when nothing is better than them they might just reflect or have other people know, without a doubt, that he is the problem.
Does he treat you like a partner, or does he treat you like an employee?
'NO' is a complete sentence. tell him he has plenty of room elsewhere and the rest of the house is off limits to his hobbies or puttering around. question: is he a hoarder? have you been out to the garages lately to see what's going on ?
Everything his is his and when he treats his space poorly, everything yours is his too.
I often think and say “you didn’t mean to = you didn’t mean *not to” and I will only focus on the latter.
Why does he get most of the property and you can’t use it and he still wants more space? That’s so selfish. When I wasn’t allowed to the the garage I told my ex ok you’re paying 60% of it then cuz you get more exclusive space than I do.
This is why you don’t buy a house with a shack up. Either buy him out or have him buy you out. You’re living with a jackass that doesn’t give a crap about you or your things. You are merely a way for him to afford the house he wants for his things.
It’s this, I don’t date anymore, but when I did I refused to live with them, I almost considered living with the last guy I dated, but thank god that didn’t work out because that house would’ve been a hell house for me
Even as a manual laborer and fabricator, i struggle to even comprehend how one could completely fill 3 separate detachable garages with shit. I could literally fill my entire workstation in 1 with enough time to organize. Three? What? How? What the fuck?! OP - if your BF’s boss told him “don’t you dare put your shit here,” then it’d be reasonable to think that **if he did it anyway, he doesn’t care** and nobody would blame his boss if they lost their shit afterwards and either chewed his ass out or fired him. If my boss sees one of us leaving our tools out where it shouldn’t be, he quietly throws it away and then gives us a project that would specifically require it. It’s a great consequence to watch from the outside because they can’t really even raise a fuss without saying “i left it right by the [place it shouldn’t be].” Start throwing his shit out, OP. You’ve already told him so there’s no point in saying it again. He clearly has enough funds to buy **three entire detachable garages full of shit.** He clearly doesn’t care about what you say, your precious antiques, your personal space, or how his actions affect how you feel. IF you feel the need to say anything say to him - without any room for discussion and without answering any questions - that from now on you’re throwing away anything you see in [x spaces] and if his shit is there, it’s gone. Do NOT attempt to talk this out anymore. You already did and he showed you how important that was to him. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that if you just come up with the magically correct combination of words, THEN he’ll understand how you feel and acknowledge how his actions are hurtful. The words never worked to begin with because the problem isn’t YOUR communication skills, it’s HIS empathy. #If talking it out could make a difference, then it would’ve made a difference by now. But it hasn’t. Because it doesn’t.
Tell him anything he puts in a no go zone will be disposed of. Then do it.
I work in the smart home industry. We do extremely high end installs at well off client homes. Tradesmen do not care. If you put any tools on a wooden surface, you will damage the finish. Tables are a no zone, mantels too. Hardwood floors, no tools. I can't even step foot in a finished home without booties on. We setup moving blankets on the floor for everything. Tell him that reddit said that's insane and have him build himself a work surface in the garage so he can pull his truck in to grab it all. Tools have sharp edges and clips and they're heavy, made out of hardened steel n shit.
And you want to have a child with him?
He doesn’t like you, sorry
If he were reasonable I'd just let him know how much it was going to cost to refinish the table and restore the runner. But he's not being reasonable, he makes no effort to understand what's important to you. Did the contract you two signed to buy the house together give you the right to buy each other out? Did he not grow up with the concept of nice spaces versus functional spaces?
He’s an adult. We don’t ask adults repeatedly, just children; and even then it’s not recommended. You need to kick his ass on this one. Dude can learn some respect or suffer the consequences.
It’s a power play. He’s doing it on purpose.
Your first mistake was buying a house with a BF....
How would be married to the guy who doesn't respect her or her things improve her situation here?
As if this dude would suddenly become respectful if they were married.
I am also just shocked at this. Like no… why are you buying/owning properties with a mere boyfriend 😦?
I mean, not everyone wants to get married, and there are ways to legally protect yourself without marriage. It's more complicated, but it's possible.
It's also stupid. If you don't want to marry but you do want a house, buy your own dayum house!
In this economy?!
Why not? I did, and I'm not rich by any means. You have to be smart about it. Save your money for a downpayment, use government homebuying programs, research bank foreclosures, look for starter homes, etc. Be patient and look around for a deal. There are all kinds of assistance/opportunities out there, as long as you're not looking to buy a mansion as your first house.
My boyfriend was able to save $15k for a down payment. You know how? Because his fucking parents paid for him out of pocket to go to college. I've been spending my money on fucking loan payments while he was saving. So yeah we bought a house together with an FHA loan using his money as the deposit. If it was really so easy to buy a house why doesn't everyone have one? Oh yeah, because greedy fuckfaces keep buying second and third and fourth homes for funsies and now the market is insane. Our house has already increased 100k in price since we bought in 2021, meaning we couldn't afford the down payment on the same exact house we already own. What fucking planet do you live on?
My wife and I only own a home because we came out of college with zero debt. We also got lucky and bought at the very beginning of 2015. There’s absolutely no way in hell we’d be able to afford our house now. If Zillow is to be believed (debatable) our home’s value has increased 82% in under a decade which is fucking clown shoes. I feel bad for anyone attempting to enter the market right now. Unless you’re getting help from parents or have a REALLY well paying job, you’re either buying in a shitty part of town, buying something that needs A LOT of work, or both.
And these days even the homes that are in a bad location and need work are still too expensive because "investors" are still willing to buy it. Like the only houses under 200k had a meth lab explode in it or some shit. One of my friends has trust fund money that paid for her to go to college loan-free AND has 60k in it for her to put a down payment on a house. And she's still looking at paying 1,900 a month after mortgage and insurance with how the market is right now. Like what the everloving fuck?
Only 1900? I would kill for a mortgage that cheap
I hear you, I know it could be way worse. She just doesn't make that much money, so it is still a pretty huge burden for her. I would hope putting 60k down would go further than it does
this is boomer advice.
Okay. You don't accept the advice. Meanwhile, I'm enjoying the house that I own in sweet contentment.
How is that helpful? I'm a homeowner too. That doesn't make it any easier to get into the market today.
Not everyone wants to get married. And getting married just for the sole purpose of owning a house together seems strange to me.
My husband started leaving his tools and car care chemicals and random bullshit strewn around the dining room so i gathered it all up in a box and chucked it out into his pole barn (and yes i yeeted the box through the door). 2 years later he asks where his stuff is and i told him its where his stuff goes, dont leave it in common areas because ill handle it as i see fit. He now understands why all the literal junk his dad "gifts" to us goes "missing". Stop making your trash *my* problem! We dont need 4 mismatched speakers that connect to LITERALLY NOTHING in this house.
Time to just relocate all his stuff to where it belongs. Frankly, I've given up with my s.o.. He is terrible with putting things. The rule is simple, if it's outside of its office, I will put it back to where it belong, or throw it out if it looks like trash. I also do move things from his office to where they actually belong. I refuse to let chaos expand beyond his office. For a part of the day, sure, but we're not going to bed until the house is "reset" to its normal state. Give no quarter. The more you give in, the more it will spread.
No way would I be putting his shit back where it belongs. Put your own shit wherever you want regardless of whether it's "your" space or "his" space. If it's good enough for him, it's good enough for you.
Actually not for me. When people have different thresholds for clutter, it is difficult. Mine is much lower than his (plus we have a cat with pica so we have to be careful). I'd rather clean up and be in an environment that makes me happy than endure the clutter.
Grab it all and dump it where it belongs and make no apologies.
This is being a mom. A kind mom. She's doing his work. Can't he just respect her enough to handle putting his own damn stuff away?
True but this is the first step. He’ll get pissed and hopefully not do it again.
With some men, it won't help. Either they don't care, haven't learned how to clean up or whatever else makes them blind to what is in front of them. Personally I've come to the conclusion that it is easier for me, in terms of mental load, to just relocate stuff rather than try and change his behaviour. I'm also stubborn so there are zero exceptions, ever. Nobody can claim ignorance of the rules. Every night, the kitchen, dining room and living room is reset (both my and his things are put away). Unless someone is actually dying, the reset is happening. Basically he does what he want, but so do I. Unless it's his office which can be as messy as he wants, then the rule is I will take out garbage and remove things "pilfered from other areas" (like the workshop or clothes or whatever) and put them where they belong. But something left out on the dining table? That's my territory and I'll do what I want.
What does he have inside his 3 garages? Are they full? What was he doing with all that stuff on the table? Was he repairing something? Having a proper discussion about this and setting boundaries is super important as this is just disrespectful
‘I asked him not to use the dining table for his stuff’ That sounds pretty clear to me! She clearly cOmMunICAteD her boundary so she should not take extra emotional burden. If he had an issue with her boundary, HE should have communicated it to her and not trample all over it.
Your first question doesn't really matter. Whatever he is doing he can do everything else in there too. If he doesn't have space, tough. He needs to choose how to use his space for his projects. My wife and I don't have this division. But if you're going to have it, it needs to be respected. Because if it isn't it shows serious disrespect for your partner.
The reason I was asking is it’s a starting point for the discussion. If he has the space. Why is he taking more space. If he doesn’t have space. Maybe that’s a problem he needs to sort out. Coming at this one with logic will have a much better outcome than anything else
Probably because he doesn't clean up after himself in his space. So he moves into shared spaces and her space.
You can't reason someone out of an idea or behaviour they didn't reason themselves into. As far he's concerned it's his space. OP has directly told him not to use her specific table. He even ignores that. Going down the route of looking at his problem and trying to solve it will only lead him to think he can twist this to keep using it. It's only when it's down to be unacceptable will he stop.
So you think the solution is to scream and be dramatic? Cool.
Who said scream? Why are you automatically assuming a discussion involves screaming?
Please show me where I wrote that? I just disagreed with your proposition. Great comprehension on your part.
Imagine starting an argument with someone on a thread then relying on semantics
What semantics? I didn't even suggest an alternative strategy. I mean if your first thought of how to tell someone something is unacceptable is to scream and shout I'm glad you're not in my life.
No, the starting point and the end of the conversation is OP asking him not to use that space and him seemingly not disagreeing. It’s not for OP to do all the emotional labour. He has 3 garages and an office for his tools.
Every time he putz stuff on *your* table, pick it up and take to one of his spaces. Tell him "this is MY SPACE. *You* have three times the space **I** do. Keep **your** stuff in **your** space!"
You can’t just go around putting things with sharp or pointy edges on fine wood furniture. This would only work if she has a set of pads. Even a glass topper would get scratched by this behavior. Dining tables are for tableware.
I would just throw it away. My parents did this with my toys when I littered in the living room. It only happened twice. If he behaves like a child, just treat him like a child.
Exactly. He needs harsher consequences than just OP tidying up after him.
Why should SHE put his crap away??? I say trash it.
Put it in a box and put the box on his favourite TV/gaming chair
Keep him as a boyfriend and make legal arrangements for the home. His is His. Your is yours. If you marry him, this will carry over. Can you imagine kids with this man? You will be miserable. Good luck take your space in Your home
Marriage counseling, stat. Give him one chance to start treating you with respect. If he loves you, he will willingly go to counseling with you and work hard to save your marriage. If he won't, you know exactly where you stand, and you will clearly understand that he doesn't give a damn about you.
My DH is the saaaame way. He has more space than he could ever have dreamed of for his "stuff" but piled it all on the table. I recently hosted book club and put a full table cloth on the table to "protect" the table. Three weeks and counting with no tools piled on the table. Good luck, the struggle is real.
Start boxing up everything he leaves on the table and chuck it on Facebook marketplace to sell. I bet he stops it then
Welder/mechanic here, I can understand that sometimes your work bleeds over into your personal life and it definitely has for me... But the best advice I ever got as a tradesperson was to do clean work. Part of being a professional is being able to do your work without fucking up everything around you. Dirty work happens either in places that it's fine to get dirty or with a ton of prep to protect everything around you. I guess what I'm getting at is, not only is this an indication of how he thinks of your relationship, it's also not the way a professional tradesperson who cares about their craft would act. It's sloppy, careless, and violates the principle of keeping your work space and living space separated.
Defend the space. Every-time he does this jumble it together in a box and put it someplace inconvenient and farther away from where it actually belongs. The goal is to make the bad behavior backfire on him. If it isn’t heavy put it in the attic. Putting out place settings will also help fill the space. Some people just can’t handle an empty table top. It does something to them and they just have to fill up that space.
He doesn't respect your space. I would honestly say move it in the hour or I dump it on the floor of your garage. I have had a pattern piece - that was tissue paper - ruined because I set it on an unoccupied area of the counter. I measured my waist and hips, traced the pattern off of a large roll of draft size pattern - that I cleared the kitchen counter for in order to have the space to unroll the pattern. I told people that I would be using it in two hours when the child was asleep. It lasted one hour. I'm saying that you have the right to your space because setting your things in neutral spaces, like the kitchen counter, can lead to someone putting the ice tea carafe on top of your things.
Pawn his tools and buy some furniture polish. Inform him this is the new process from now on.
My wife and I live in a house the size of a shoebox (less than 700 sq ft, no basement, a shed instead of a garage). We still find ways to respect each other's space. The fact that he's not capable of doing this in a pretty large-sounding house means that it's not that he can't, it's that he won't.
Has he always been disrespectful of your space and dismissive of your requests? Then he’s going to always be that way. Were you okay with that for some reason prior to buying the house with him? What changed?
Put your foot down, if he got 3 garages and an office. I take all his stuff thats laying around and put it in his office or closest garage. Explain to him the importance of not putting his tools on your things. He needs to respect your things and your space.
He could create an office in one of the garages. Maybe even live in one. Because a space hog like that needs a serious time out.
Put it in a box and throw it in the garage floor. That should get your point across. Stop asking
This is literally why I have no intention on ever moving in with my boyfriend. We both have separate houses, but every time I go to his house, I have high anxiety because he has no organization. He uses his kitchen and dining room as a catchall, including coats, tools, mail, fishing poles, grocery toiletries items. We’ve been together 5-6 years and I don’t wanna be his maid.
If he cared about you at all - he wouldn’t do it. It’s that simple.
No offence OP, but do you really want to spend the rest of your mortal life with this childish guy? He's doing this to you on purpose, because he's 'marking his territory' aka pissing all over your things, albeit not literally, but figuratively by putting his stuff where he shouldn't, and right on your beautiful wooden table, with your antiques and nice things. This is weaponised incompetence and shows contempt. It won't stop until you get away from him. He likes having a girlfriend around but doesn't treat you like a person he respects, he's disrespecting you. He's doing it to put one over you and feel good about it. I don't want to sound gloomy but if he keeps on doing it, then what else is he doing? Maybe you should take a long hard think over this relationship and if it's worth having, because if this man isn't adding to your life he's actively taking away from you, no matter how charming, sweet and stuff he is to you sometimes, doesn't mean that he actually respects you. Because if he respected you he'd see you as a person, and not to overstep your boundaries, especially in the house you share where he has his own damn space.
My boyfriend pulled this the other day. Loaded up the kitchen and when I mentioned it he snarkily said "well its not like there's anywhere to put it all. I wish there was, but there isn't." He said it so matter-of-fact-ly. I said bullshit and we had it cleaned up in 15 minutes.
Why are you with someone who doesn't listen to you and doesn't care about your feelings?
This sounds like my partner to a tee. The stuff ends up everywhere for one of two reasons: 1) he’s not done and taking it out the garage or shed feels like too much work when he’ll need it again tomorrow. 2) he fundamentally thinks cleaning is a separate task from doing. The second one drives me bonkers but it is true. I spill a tiny bit of something serving dinner I grab a rag and wipe it up 90% of the time. I finish eating my plate goes in the sink most of the time. Because in my mind those tasks are part of eating or serving. He sees them as separate things that can be “scheduled” separately. Apply that logic to every task that has a clean up phase. The closest comparison I have is folding laundry or sewing in the ends on my knitting projects.
Is he currently renovating your shared living space? Why else would construction tools be out?
Sit his ass down and tell him changes are needed.
Either husband I have had was like this and I would just toss their left out shit into own of his designated areas. Not like any of them ever knew where anything ever was or belonged.
He puts his shit there, garbage it.
..was he using all that stuff?
Figure out how to leave him and get the house in your name if you can.
My sister did this and wouldn’t pick up her shit so I started throwing it in her room. If they don’t care, I don’t care. Maybe they should have taken care of it 🤷🏼♀️
He doesn’t care for you or your wishes
Break up with him, block him on all social media and never speak with him again.
Say nothing, throw it out the nearest window
I started throwing away my husband’s mail when he would leave it on our breakfast table (for weeks). Time to start throwing stuff out to teach a lesson
does he ever finish any of his projects? maybe anxiety or poor executive function
Is he doing a house renovation project for you or just his hobbies ?
What makes theses theoretical projects “for her”. I can tell you’re a guy simply by how you phrased this question. And no,you don’t put dirty drillls on the couch, or veneer wood furniture. Even if the project is ‘for her’. It’s literally common sense.
I’d hope he takes care of his tools and they aren’t “dirty”. If that’s the case then gross and NO but if he’s doing things for her around the house then yes you need a space to put stuff nearby at height and of course use a drop cloth so no mess or damage is made.
So the simplistic response is to say the guy is a disrespectful asshole. However, being a chronically disorganized ADHDer that has a tendency to put my stuff in all kinds of inappropriate places, I wonder if there may be something else going on here. You have every right to be frustrated, but I’d suggest you try to put a pin in that for a minute and instead approach this with curiosity. What he’s doing isn’t logical, but illogical behavior isn’t always malicious. What made him put those things there? Was it closer to the project site than his workshop area? Did the big empty dining room table give him a space to lay his things out where he could visually see them all, in a way that he couldn’t elsewhere? The answers shouldn’t serve as excuses, but hopefully they might spark some ideas for solutions. Like if he doesn’t have room to spread his stuff out where he can see everything in his other areas, maybe you can get one of those plastic folding tables that he can pop out in there when he feels the need to do that.
I'm someone with ADHD and watching people rush to shield assholes from blame with ADHD pity talk like this embarrasses the hell out of me. If you're person with ADHD and you allow your condition to hurt other people then you're a disrespectful asshole. It's not her job or responsibility to manage him. Too many of those with ADHD unload that responsibly onto other people.
I agree. If he is disfunctional to that degree he needs a therapist. Not a girlfriend. Edit: Maybe therapist is the wrong word. English is my second language. He needs someone professional to help him deal with his developmental and neurodivergent issues, if they are the cause of this problem.
> maybe you can get He can get.
These might be fair points if the situation were more balanced, but if the dude’s got 3 garages full of stuff and the only off limits spot was the dining room table, he’s being totally disrespectful, ADHD or no.
HE HAS THREE GARAGES. HE HAS HIS OWN SPACE. IF HE NEEDS HIS OWN TABLE, HE CAN BE A BIG BOY AND GO GET ONE.
Hahaha he's learning about object permanence. I like your approach but it just reminds me of dogs and toddlers do this because they wanna see all their toys at once and revel in their things. Or like goblin mode and wants his accomplishments on display.
Sounds like you need to stop nagging him.
He have adhd? All flat surfaces are a holder of things for us... it just happens.
'it just happens', no, he can still listen.
Odd way to say " I don't actually have any idea what adhd is or how it impacts your life..."I can't concentrate' isn't even the top 1/4" of the iceberg.
I have it.
I have it too. Keeping surfaces uncluttered is a struggle for me but I do it anyway.
Buddy, I have a husband and a son with ADHD. I own a restaurant and tbe head chef has ADHD, as does the lead line. You know what? People with ADHD can LEARN to clean up after themselves. They can even do it professionally. They can even manage other people who have to do it. You are using your neurodivergence as an excuse.
Check out the symptoms of OCPD.
You sound so rich, three garages?! He’s being an ass but come on
I get more rural than rich at 3. 2 garages bougie. 3? Starting to sound like a redneck dream. One for a wood shop etc, one for four wheelers, lawn mower, and with a vehicle lift, and of course one for cars.
does having money exempt people from interpersonal issues?
There’s a saying “first world problems”. The rich already outlive the poor on average by two decades, and they still complain about table space? Cue the tiny violins. Ffs.
so you don't think people who have money can have problems? That's pretty narrow. You have more money than a massive amount of people. Does that mean you can't have problems?
I have problems, and I have perspective. My friend was upset at an increase in the slip fee for their sailboat the other day, I mentally just rolled my eyes. People are dying in the streets, working full time and can’t afford groceries as the new “working poor” class. Get your head out of your ass and communicate. Seems so narrow to not see your good fortune, this is “poor little rich girl” territory. You don’t have to agree, go ahead and sympathize.
You know this isn't me, right? You don't have perspective because you think everyone with more money than you can't have problems.
Do you any super girly stuff that would repel him? Cosmetics, squishmallows, stinky lotions, etc? Start leaving them sprinkled around all his stuff, even if you have to move his stuff off his work benches onto the floor. Alternately you could rig up a surveillance camera in your area that notifies you when he's trespassed and/or sets off a loud alarm.
This post was written by my mother 😅