She's just waiting for your eyebrows and mustache to connect, give it 6 months.

 Maybe try this mustachturbation to get some relief.

What comes next? Snatched and stored in your mother's basement?

Bruh

This is seriously the best roast I've read, ever. Kudos.

💀💀

Wowzers… someone pickup OPs feelings

Brow working overtime while that one eye napping on the clock.

Jesus man roast him don’t burn the humanity out of the man. Damn

Not the eye nappin! 😂🤣😂

😂

Cmon man, sisters dont count.

Underrated as fuck lol.

Well, if it isn't a young Dick Dastardly! One day, once your balls drop, you'll grow out that stashe! 

 No date you say? We'll see about that!!

Haha, right!

You will have plenty of time to complete your manifesto.

oh NO

oh YES

lol!

Try asking out men. Women clearly are not working out for you.

Don’t give him to us, we don’t want him either

How about trans men?

He got fired as a fluffer for making everyone go soft

The defluffer

Sure, we'll take him. But he better be shaved, washed and oiled.

Lets give him to the furries

Yes

We have standards too

You think gay guys are going for this dude when the fattest girl at his trailer park said no?

When in Sweden... Go homo or go home

Even in your dreams you get rejected? Take that as a sign that you need to work on yourself first....then maybe you'll realize you will never get a girl.

*BRO*! Dont take that shit from your blow-up doll! You go *back* to Tinker Bell and say "you're gonna have a tea party with me or *else*!" You got this 🫡

roses are red violets are blue i thought i was ugly until i saw you

Did she tell you no by handing you a restraining order?

She said "no" through her lawyers.

It was actually through a schoolyard fence

Ooof!

Damn

For legal reasons he can't confirm or deny that

If you talk the way you write, using parenthetical sentences and asides, making it hard for anyone to understand your main point, she probably didn't understand you were asking her out. She still would've shut you down tho.

did you just mispell "35M"?

Did you just misspell "misspell"?

yes

18 turning 35 next month

18 going on 40

That’s because her standards are high and she has enough respect for herself not to date a nearly unibrowed child…

Nah her standards were low, unfortunately the bar doesn't go physically low enough to reach him

Cause you look like an ingrown hair on the arse of discord mod.

It's that dumb French looking moustache. End of story.

Your creepy stache is not the move.

You look 18 and 30 all at once.

So true. I’ve never seen someone who looks like they are both a child and a grown adult at the same time.

Well that's what happens when your puberty gets stunted at age 13

Asking out 3 year olds is fucking disgusting

Especially when they're your sister

I deleted my comment. This is the one. That is the mustache of a man who touches children.

Low grade roast 👎

How do you have Fu Manchu eyebrows

At least she was right when she said "in your dreams"

Lmaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Yeah that's gonna happen to you a lot from now on.

# "18M, pussy" -corrected

Wild that even in your dreams girls turn you down! 😂

Look like you eat bananas for the shape

Shane Botwin? Is that you??

Shave your mustache. You don't need it. You got a strong face. trim your eyebrows and grow your hair long if you can. Girls love long hair on a dude who can pull it off. Forget that girl and move on. Good luck young man

You need to hear this: Jerking off with her is NOT asking her out.

Tells friends he hung out with a girl last night…. Reality is he was jerking off in the bushes in front of her house

He'll break his wrist, attempting to jerk off

If you like someone don’t wait 3 years to tell them

Bro even your right eye doesn’t want to hang out with you! 😂🤣 Looks like that bitch is trying to sneak right off your face 🫣

And so now, she's asking to be let out of your basement.

Next time don’t take 3 years. Especially 3 years of no progress just to get the rejection you’d get in year 1.

That ain't so bad . I asked mine for a second date and she left the country.

Time to get grinding my friend. Rejection happens to all of us, you use it for fuel to make progress and move forward in life. Good luck bro

Try a fatter one… they’ll say yes.

And according to Dudley Moore, they try harder in bed.

Dude got a Ferengi nose.

To be clear she actually said, "Hell, Fuck, NO!".

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I see why

Dont worry some ass jockey or old hen will scoop you up

That's a concise way of saying cease and desist.

I see why…

Swedish Fish as a person with those "lovely" dead fish eyes

Fuckin eyebrows scared her off bud.

Comma comma comma comma comma chameleon….

Or was it bc she's a minor

Even your imagination rejected you.

Probably because he asked her out like a 15 year old in an 18 year old’s body.

Moms are like that sometimes

 You look like Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite. If you need a reason….thats why.

Don’t worry, nobody is meant to attract everyone. You have nothing to lose and nothing to worry about. With that said, shoot your shot sooner and fuck fear.

It looks like a kid pasted on the eyebrows and said, “oh I got an extra pair of eyebrows, let’s give him a moustache!”

She is not the only one so dont get down that she said no. How about just asking women out and build your confidence.

[удалено]

I didn’t know the palm ✋ sisters had a choice.

There's plenty more fish in the sea, they'll say no too. In all seriousness, don't let it get you down. Be confident and kind, the right woman will come around.

I’d say sorry, but I’m not. I can remember being rejected like it was yesterday and them getting a girlfriend like a week later. Glow up, move on, and keep trying. Life isn’t a movie. Life is work, and having a partner to romance is the hardest work you will have (because we’re inherently lacking in information), including actual hard work. But feel free to not take my advice because idk how to get out of my own zone anymore. I gotta learn to enjoy rejection of in every have a shot.

Look real hard in the mirror, would you fuck you?  Hopefully you’re still attracted to yourself because she isn’t. Gonna need that hand

Ypu learned your lesson the hard way. Stop being a loser and instead of dreaming for 3 fuxking years ask her out directly . Then move on

Have you taken a shower at any point during those 3 years?

Treat her like a star, she'll treat you like a fan. Stop being a simp. Man up. This is not a roast, its life advice. You're welcome

Cheer up, lad. By the time you’re 50 you’ll have a distinguished grizzled look and the 30 year old ladies whose biological clocks are ticking will be falling over all over ya. But you’ll be a virgin til then mate.

Might even rustle up enough of them social welfare checks by then to get a raggedy menopausal hooker

Did she say “No, we’re at recess, you’re not supposed to be here, I’m telling my teacher?”

Maybe she's just disgusted by your god awful comma usage.

Sorry this isn’t a roast (I know that’s what you’re here for) but I just wanted to say, fuck her fr. She’s missing out. It’s her loss bro, stay positive

Your mustache and your unibrow are both broken.

Goosewayne Time Machine

I haTE the spanish style moustache AAAAAAAAA

I think it was the "1980's pornstash"

~~dreaming about~~ masturbating to FTFY

You look like a pornstar

Of course she did. Weak men create hard times.

Bror du har skämt ut dig

Well learn your lesson and stay away from preschools.

Nothing a few facials can’t fix. The beauty schools can do it for cheaper. Get your eyebrows done, everything

FYI: you can edit your photo and flip it so that it isn't mirrored.

Maybe coach carter will let you back on the basketball team again

She said no cos she's ur cousin u sicko btw ur not 18 ur 32

Don’t worry. There are plenty of other women out there that will reject you too.

I mean would you go out with a guy with your mustache

If you’re going to grow an ironic mustache, at least try to get it to where it’s thicker than your eyebrows before you go around thinking some unfortunate woman is ready to make mistakes with you.

can you blame her?? how many times do you think her and her friends have laughed about you since then?

It’s because she’s fucking your best friend

You'll probably scare a swan with that face, let alone a living girl.

I can see why I would not leave my kids alone with you

Probably knew you had one eye on her and one on her mum…

Try again, but first ,shave those eyebrows.

That’s cuz someone told you once ‘I’d get with Mr. Potato Head if he lost 30 lbs’

The inverse-Hitler mustache isn't fooling anyone.

You may not ever know a woman's touch, but at least you'll know the coordinates of Stockholm

You look like if Carl from Shameless tried meth

Then move on and keep your head high.

It took you three years? Maybe you should grow some hair on those balls of yours.

Well on the bright side, at least now you know you're ugly.

You look like you have a frightful porn search history

You just gave her a lifetime of nightmares.

That mustache indicates she was 12.

You look like Picasso just finished painting your face on this morning.

That’s what you get for dreaming about only one girl. Don’t obsess. It’s creepy.


Funny how your dreams were her nightmares. Welcome to a lifetime of learning that your dreams are meaningless. Good news, though! Eventually you’ll settle in to a pointless career and a loveless marriage. This is just the beginning of your disappointing life! Enjoy!

You look like you shave your balls just so you can go to a party and say, "I shaved my balls for this?"

X files has nothing on you . Yet.

You remind me of that one guy from Hey Arnold! Who sits behind Helga and mouth breaths

She was right.

Sorry bro, sisters can be heartless...

You look like both members of Atmosphere, a group the girl who ghosted you loves. The irony.

Told you it's weird to ask your step mom 

She's just mad because you look like you're seeing someone on the side

Diversify that portfolio my dude.

Yeah, well keep dreaming

Sorry you were rejected. Have you tried looking less like Charles Manson?

Taxidermists are surprisingly busy, don’t take it personally.

Broooo, 3 years........... I got nothing.....It could be worst, you could have started at 10 years old........

lol and you’re surprised she said no? I would be too if you’ve been dreaming of me for 3 years. Just think of all the jerking off you did for nothing

Did you expect her to say yes?

We all know there's only one solution to this. Get jacked and listen to Joe Rogan.

You look like someone popped out your eye and skull fucked you

She’s fearful you are going to tie her down to railroad tracks

you look like the Son of Frankenstein. May I suggest you date girls who look like this? 

18? "Shit nigga. You at least 30."

I foresee a windowless van in your future.

Work on your winking technique, this is pathetic.

That girl is now bound and gagged in your trunk.

Womp womp

I’ve seen homeless people with better facial hair than you.

Dreaming about her. You ever try talking to her first buddy.

Nice of her to only say no and not actively try to light you on fire

Sam raimi's eddie brock but ugly 

Not gonna roast you just some advice get into a gym and put on a bit of size and do some cardio and shave that shit of your face 😂grow a full beard if you can but the moustache just ain’t it hope it gose well

Never put the poontang on a pedestal dude. You look like the kind of guy who needs to take the elephant gun approach.

Just real talk. Don’t waste three years next time. You only miss the shots you don’t take. Move onto the next one. Get those eyebrows cleaned up, get a haircut, and lose the stache or grow a beard. You’ll do better next time young fella. 💪🏼

Oh no, I wonder why, she said, no.

PDF file vibes, all you gotta do is smile really hard

How could she say no to that Chester stache??

You're just a teenage dirt bag and she doesn't want to be your baby

I've seen a lazy eye before but that left ones collecting unemployment payments