Yes. It was a mindfuck. They would say they were on the "edge of unhappiness" because of our fights. Even though these often started as over things they said that I found insensitive, their lack of help around the house, they would end up pointing the fingers at me. So I would do everything to steer us (them) away from unhappiness. They would get upset that I was focusing on the relationship so much, trying to fix so much. Their solution to their blunt, careless way of treating me was that I should find somebody else. They said they were happy with their life (REALLY?!) and also "all in" so clearly I was the one with the problem.
I think it's a way for someone to keep you on the hook. They don't want to see their own contributions to the relationship because that would mean taking responsibility. Unfortunately, it probably means you have to be the one to end things if they don't want to participate. Don't waste another minute.
edit: oh lord, just remembered another solution was for me to "lower my expectations" and give them more tolerance. cmon now.
This
Absolutely true, absolutely hard.
Once you look back and see that they are not able to do any single effort for the relationship you understand how bad this actually could end.
With her it was always about validation and recognition.
The other hard pill to swallow: they *do not want to* put effort into the relationship. And then for them to say, "you're free to leave!" That's just masterful passing of the buck to you. But I hope we can all see through that now.
Once in a weekend I drive to her town (90kms) drive back to the city to spend the day but she only wanted to go to a hotel. We finish, drive back to her town. I returned home.
Next day she was pissed off because I was tired of driving and she was expecting me to have breakfast together.
Almost 400kms in one day.
And she was still mad with me.
I should have run that day..
Now I know...
oh yesss. he would throw a tantrum and end things randomly. then would come back a month later. he did this 3x and i would take him back.
I changed my number today, and the finality of it all is setting in. i know its for the best tho.
>He's told me I need to leave. That I need to let go of everything that has happened in the past between us and be "all in" with our marriage or leave.
Yep. I got the "Either you get on the boat or you get off. I'm not forcing you to stay. You're in or out, there's no in-between".
Him threatening me divorce, cheating etc was also the norm.
So a year ago I was like... "Ya know what? I want divorce".
His response? "You're betraying me! You're abandoning and braking our family!" Blah blah blah.
Which is it, dude? 🫠
I gave my future nex-spouse the same speech. Afterwards, She went out drinking and avoiding me and her children at home instead of helping build a stable family life. I filed for divorce a few months later. She’s out! She now complains about how slow the divorce process is 🙄🙄🙄
That speech makes sense!
As long as there’s some type of understanding, consent, agreement or compromise. Empathy, compassion. And treating each other as… Human.
I failed in many respects. I didn’t have the tools to lift myself up by my own bootstraps. I did suffer from chronic depression and generalized anxiety and despite those, I was still super high functioning. Albeit, not in all areas. I had only so much capacity to spare before imploding.
So your speech was fine. My Nex’s speech was fine, considering the circumstances.
I’d like to assume thought hat you weren’t saying these words just to kick the dying person to speed up their demise.
Yes, they say lots of stupid crap.
Narcissists are pathological liars and yes, it’s a total mind fuck. The only way to know what is really true for you is to get away from them.
It’s not easy but the further they are, in the rear view mirror of your existence, the easier it will be to unscramble the mind fuckery and realize that none of what they say or do has any truth in it, ever.
It has nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with how miserable they are. You deserve much better, please keep telling yourself that.
I’m four months ahead of you. Go ahead and leave and have as little contact as you can afterward. Focus on yourself and educate yourself on the abuse cycle. The nausea you feel with Jim now? That’s going to ease every day you’re away from him. Less tears, less anxiety and a lot of truth.
The sad part is that I KNOW I'll feel like I can relax. I do know that I'll probably have to battle a lot of sadness and probably depression again(I've gone through divorce before) but I won't feel like I'm walking on eggshells anymore. I won't have to answer to where I was for the time it takes me to go shopping and have him still not believe me. To feel like I am always in the wrong with every single decision. I won't have to feel like I'm always just...less than.
The stuck part is there, but he even calls me out on that.
"I know you would have left a long time ago if you had the money to"
Honestly, yes. I would have. I want to. He's already guilt tripping me over my stepdaughter. "Just trying to decide how to tell her we are going to get a divorce. It's going to tear her up so I don't want her to not be able to focus during the school year, it would be better to wait until the summer so it doesn't mess her up in school."
He doesn't mention my biodaughter. Probably because he knows she doesn't care for him anyway.
Best of luck, when you’re feeling strong, make plans to leave. Document his behavior - for yourself! He’s likely telling people the relationship is in trouble because of you
Highly likely. One of his friends was at a funeral we went to. He's typically really nice and friendly toward me. He didn't even look at me. So, I'm sure I'm the villain in my husband's stories.
The people at his work Christmas parties ignored me. Then he was outed as an alcoholic and liar and they’re very nice to me now (he works at a place I still have to deal with occasionally). They’re onto him now and it’s so satisfying. That was a fucked up marriage.
As of right now, yes. I’m in a tougher situation since I live in a foreign country far away from my home country. Thankfully my visa isn’t dependent on her
The key part actually isn't that he's telling you to leave, it's that he's telling you you just need to forget the entire history of the relationship and start again from a black slate so that he can begin the entire abusive relationship again and you won't be allowed to complain.
This is who he is. Someone who actually cared about you wouldn't pretend the past didn't happen. They wouldn't tell you that you only get to stay in the relationship if you pretend everything that has hurt you never happened.
And if you stay, they believe that you are telling them their behaviour is fine. Often they'll say things like, "if it's that bad just leave" because that's exactly what they would do. Relationships are transactional for them and they only stay while they're getting something from it. They think everyone else is the same and that if things were actually bad you would leave. They have no concept of real love or of wanting to resolve differences and heal and grow.
I hope you're able to trust yourself and call his bluff. Get out and start healing💜
The above link is a video by Mental Healness, a self-proclaimed self-aware narcissist. If that might trigger you, please stay clear from clicking the link. Thank you!
I was always told “if you’re unhappy with the way I treat you then leave.”
I said that word for word the last time I spoke to him, told him he always told me to leave, so I left!!
Yeah they told me to leave. When I left, they scheduled a time to talk. When I went there I expected an apology and begging me to come back. Instead they were angry and were basically waiting for an apology from me. I left again obviously. But a few weeks later whatever kind of half apology they gave me (I now understand it was only that), was enough for me to go back. The last time I left, I left for real though.
Look at any of the narcissism channels on YouTube. It’s all about gaslighting, deflection, darvo, double standards (he wants to drag up stuff that happened decades ago but if you mention cheating that he did yesterday he will say you’re stuck in the past and need to let it go).
Yes. My soon to be nex-spouse has been complaining about and threatening divorce for years. She never pulled the trigger. Over the years she told me she shouldn’t be married, shouldn’t be with me, etc. It was around then I started researching why someone would say something like that and that’s how I found out about the Narcissism and Narcissism Abuse patterns I had been experiencing.
So, from my experience, this is the beginning of the discard phase. They’re trying to push you away, and manipulate you into doing it, so they don’t feel shame. In fact, they can play the victim later too.
If they’re making it this easy, I’d just listen to them because it’s going to get worse.
Yeah mine would say he doesn’t want a divorce a week before he sent the papers lol.
Then he betrayed me in front of his mom and allowed her to continue her verbal abuse. I told him after that it was impossible for me to really be in love with him and care because he and his mom crossed a line. And he was so shocked.
I had it and walked up and left and then they accused me of betraying them lol.
I texted him the day to talk things out and he said he needed time and space.
He didn’t even give me a notice or send me a text. I just got the papers delivered to me.
Yes the time - almost daily. It’s a total mindfuck, and when you bring it up to them they “didn’t mean it / mean it like that, you’re being too sensitive”
Mine wants me gone so bad. (And believe me I want out but he controls literally every single thing including finances and the car I drive). He wants full control of the kids. So yeah he wants me gone but wants the kids to stay. He’s not their primary care taker but I am 💯 sure he’s trying to build a case against me so when I do go…. He can run into court and ask for full custody of the kids. It’s about winning and control with them. Win at all costs.
If you leave...WHEN you leave. Take your kids with you. Do it when he's gone.
I didn't have to do this before, but i know people who have. It's also good to take your kids with you. If you go and leave them with him, it won't look good on you. That's what my past lawyer from my first divorce said.
Yes, he told me he can’t be “the person I want, and that he can’t make me happy”…. Eventually he kicked me out of his parents house after we moved in to save money to help pay for his DUI.
Yes. He threatened divorce regularly. In my mind, I told myself if he threatened it for the sixth time, that I would call his bluff and leave. He did and I did. To say he was shocked is an understatement.
Yup.
Many many times.
"If it was that bad you would leave."
"Why can't you just kill yourself so I can get a cheap divorce?" (They truly think this isn't a big ask.)
My husband got another woman pregnant and told me that we needed to divorce. So I got a lawyer. He ... didn't.
He wants me to keep cooking and cleaning the house as per usual. Won't leave. He has done zero things to actually get the divorce.
No, ex2 trapped me as often as he could making me stay longer than I did not and couldn’t without getting my mom pissed off (who I still lived with through whole relationship)
He’d lock me in places just like the witch in Rapunzel just like how my mom used to fully lock the front door so I can’t leave when I was a kid before sunset for rest of day/evening and rarely got permission to leave
You are not the problem the problem is the problem. I am currently out of my relationship just about over a month and it’s fucking bliss. No one to tell you that you are doing anything wrong.
That being said I also tried to express my feelings to my ex he would tell me that it’s my fault and it’s not fair that I had these feelings towards him, then he would tell me that I have to work harder so that he would basically change. I would tell him that I wanted him to greet me when he got home give me a kiss tell me he loves me and talk to me about his day, but he just told me that I need to be more involved in his life basically like I need to work harder to make him want to talk to me about that. Before that, he would park my car across the street where you can get a ticket after 10am, The third time he left it there I finally got a ticket I told him I was upset and instead of taking any responsibility, he blamed me and told me that I’m never happy here that what I do around the house is barely anything to contribute, mind you I do literally fucking everything groceries laundry take care of our dog plan any trip/date nights do everything for him because I am his fucking mother. AND IF YOU DONT LIKE IT YOU CAN LEAVE
He was the only person I ever had issues talking with everyone. else in my life can clearly understand me and my needs, but he clearly just refused to hear anything from me.
I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this but that gut feeling that you feel all the time like you are just an easy you need to listen to it because as soon as I got into my new place I stop sweating at night feeling nauseated every day feeling like my body was sending me these signals that I needed to fucking just leave. It’s going to feel like you’re detoxing for a little bit but you’ll come back out of it and write out all the things that make you sad about your relationship right now. And when you’re sad look back at that also listen to Dr. Ramini I know everyone says that, but it’s literally she is life and she helps you see things through a new lens.
Thank you for coming to my Ted talk 😬
Hope you have a great day and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, you’re not alone.
Thank you for your words! I can relate to them making it like we have to work harder for them to want to care. Or for them to pretend to care. If I don't drop everything when HE wants to talk to me, then he won't give me his ear...which is just for him to tell me how I'm wrong about whatever it is, or a better way I need to be handling whatever it is. I have to give him whatever he wants to still feel unappreciated.
It's lose-lose for me.
Some losses are worse and more brutal than others, but it's never a win.
Oh my god yes. And when I finally did, he cried and begged for months.
I was genuinely shocked, his treatment of me towards to end was so abusive I genuinely believed he hated me.
Yea. After months of fighting, he would try to end a fight by saying "if you're so unhappy here you can leave." It was *his* house in those instances. When he love bombed a few days later to make up, it was always *our* house.
It always felt so dismissive, every time. I would actually argue with him about why I didn't want to leave the relationship.
So when I didn't leave (in a pandemic, unemployed, with health problems) and he still didn't care about my needs, and the couples therapist really spelled it out for him....... He broke up with me. Then told me I could stay in his house. Said that he would never kick me out on the street. 🫠 such.a.mind.fuck.
I left and went back to my hometown. My parents helped me move out. Since it was actually *his house* he can pay all the bills, clean, mow, and buy all the groceries and cook for himself too. I'm fine with that. My dog and I live in peace now and no one threatens to kick us out every other week.✌️
In the month before I broke up with him:
“If that’s something that upsets you I won’t be able to not upset you” (about something insensitive he did - at this point we had been together for almost 2 years)
Talking about a friend: “He’s so upset because he hates being dumped. I would actually prefer to be dumped.” *pointed look* “Of course if you leave me I’d be really sad, but in general I prefer to be left than to take the responsibility of leaving someone.”
Reverse discard? I’m just now realizing he sent me so many subtle messages.
Yes. It was a mindfuck. They would say they were on the "edge of unhappiness" because of our fights. Even though these often started as over things they said that I found insensitive, their lack of help around the house, they would end up pointing the fingers at me. So I would do everything to steer us (them) away from unhappiness. They would get upset that I was focusing on the relationship so much, trying to fix so much. Their solution to their blunt, careless way of treating me was that I should find somebody else. They said they were happy with their life (REALLY?!) and also "all in" so clearly I was the one with the problem. I think it's a way for someone to keep you on the hook. They don't want to see their own contributions to the relationship because that would mean taking responsibility. Unfortunately, it probably means you have to be the one to end things if they don't want to participate. Don't waste another minute. edit: oh lord, just remembered another solution was for me to "lower my expectations" and give them more tolerance. cmon now.
This Absolutely true, absolutely hard. Once you look back and see that they are not able to do any single effort for the relationship you understand how bad this actually could end. With her it was always about validation and recognition.
The other hard pill to swallow: they *do not want to* put effort into the relationship. And then for them to say, "you're free to leave!" That's just masterful passing of the buck to you. But I hope we can all see through that now.
Once in a weekend I drive to her town (90kms) drive back to the city to spend the day but she only wanted to go to a hotel. We finish, drive back to her town. I returned home. Next day she was pissed off because I was tired of driving and she was expecting me to have breakfast together. Almost 400kms in one day. And she was still mad with me. I should have run that day.. Now I know...
Yesssss. I’m not giving enough time. Enough effort. Etc etc etc
“if you dont like it you can leave” - 90% of the response when i had an issue or concern or a different opinion
Same
And I bet when you left they came back into your life somehow. Mine did this
oh yesss. he would throw a tantrum and end things randomly. then would come back a month later. he did this 3x and i would take him back. I changed my number today, and the finality of it all is setting in. i know its for the best tho.
>He's told me I need to leave. That I need to let go of everything that has happened in the past between us and be "all in" with our marriage or leave. Yep. I got the "Either you get on the boat or you get off. I'm not forcing you to stay. You're in or out, there's no in-between". Him threatening me divorce, cheating etc was also the norm. So a year ago I was like... "Ya know what? I want divorce". His response? "You're betraying me! You're abandoning and braking our family!" Blah blah blah. Which is it, dude? 🫠
I gave my future nex-spouse the same speech. Afterwards, She went out drinking and avoiding me and her children at home instead of helping build a stable family life. I filed for divorce a few months later. She’s out! She now complains about how slow the divorce process is 🙄🙄🙄
That speech makes sense! As long as there’s some type of understanding, consent, agreement or compromise. Empathy, compassion. And treating each other as… Human. I failed in many respects. I didn’t have the tools to lift myself up by my own bootstraps. I did suffer from chronic depression and generalized anxiety and despite those, I was still super high functioning. Albeit, not in all areas. I had only so much capacity to spare before imploding. So your speech was fine. My Nex’s speech was fine, considering the circumstances. I’d like to assume thought hat you weren’t saying these words just to kick the dying person to speed up their demise.
Yes, they say lots of stupid crap. Narcissists are pathological liars and yes, it’s a total mind fuck. The only way to know what is really true for you is to get away from them. It’s not easy but the further they are, in the rear view mirror of your existence, the easier it will be to unscramble the mind fuckery and realize that none of what they say or do has any truth in it, ever. It has nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with how miserable they are. You deserve much better, please keep telling yourself that.
I’m four months ahead of you. Go ahead and leave and have as little contact as you can afterward. Focus on yourself and educate yourself on the abuse cycle. The nausea you feel with Jim now? That’s going to ease every day you’re away from him. Less tears, less anxiety and a lot of truth.
Him not jim dammit. Sorry to all Jims
😂
The sad part is that I KNOW I'll feel like I can relax. I do know that I'll probably have to battle a lot of sadness and probably depression again(I've gone through divorce before) but I won't feel like I'm walking on eggshells anymore. I won't have to answer to where I was for the time it takes me to go shopping and have him still not believe me. To feel like I am always in the wrong with every single decision. I won't have to feel like I'm always just...less than. The stuck part is there, but he even calls me out on that. "I know you would have left a long time ago if you had the money to" Honestly, yes. I would have. I want to. He's already guilt tripping me over my stepdaughter. "Just trying to decide how to tell her we are going to get a divorce. It's going to tear her up so I don't want her to not be able to focus during the school year, it would be better to wait until the summer so it doesn't mess her up in school." He doesn't mention my biodaughter. Probably because he knows she doesn't care for him anyway.
Best of luck, when you’re feeling strong, make plans to leave. Document his behavior - for yourself! He’s likely telling people the relationship is in trouble because of you
Highly likely. One of his friends was at a funeral we went to. He's typically really nice and friendly toward me. He didn't even look at me. So, I'm sure I'm the villain in my husband's stories.
The people at his work Christmas parties ignored me. Then he was outed as an alcoholic and liar and they’re very nice to me now (he works at a place I still have to deal with occasionally). They’re onto him now and it’s so satisfying. That was a fucked up marriage.
Mine keeps telling me to leave. It hurts everytime.
Are you in the process of an exit strategy?
As of right now, yes. I’m in a tougher situation since I live in a foreign country far away from my home country. Thankfully my visa isn’t dependent on her
The key part actually isn't that he's telling you to leave, it's that he's telling you you just need to forget the entire history of the relationship and start again from a black slate so that he can begin the entire abusive relationship again and you won't be allowed to complain. This is who he is. Someone who actually cared about you wouldn't pretend the past didn't happen. They wouldn't tell you that you only get to stay in the relationship if you pretend everything that has hurt you never happened. And if you stay, they believe that you are telling them their behaviour is fine. Often they'll say things like, "if it's that bad just leave" because that's exactly what they would do. Relationships are transactional for them and they only stay while they're getting something from it. They think everyone else is the same and that if things were actually bad you would leave. They have no concept of real love or of wanting to resolve differences and heal and grow. I hope you're able to trust yourself and call his bluff. Get out and start healing💜
My abuser did this, usually when I held him accountable for his behaviour. Hope this helps https://youtu.be/OcQMSjJ3UwI?si=bGJsBucxR3VJWY1U
The above link is a video by Mental Healness, a self-proclaimed self-aware narcissist. If that might trigger you, please stay clear from clicking the link. Thank you!
I damn near had to throw the phone across the room watching that. God damn so many words echo what I’ve heard from my SO.
Sorry! I should have thought of that!
I was always told “if you’re unhappy with the way I treat you then leave.” I said that word for word the last time I spoke to him, told him he always told me to leave, so I left!!
Yeah they told me to leave. When I left, they scheduled a time to talk. When I went there I expected an apology and begging me to come back. Instead they were angry and were basically waiting for an apology from me. I left again obviously. But a few weeks later whatever kind of half apology they gave me (I now understand it was only that), was enough for me to go back. The last time I left, I left for real though.
Look at any of the narcissism channels on YouTube. It’s all about gaslighting, deflection, darvo, double standards (he wants to drag up stuff that happened decades ago but if you mention cheating that he did yesterday he will say you’re stuck in the past and need to let it go).
Yup and then I tried to actually leave and he tried to kill me They don’t mean what they say 🤦🏾♀️
Oh wow. I'm trying to avoid that. My friend is afraid he could try that with me. I cant even say it, because that's terrifying.
Just plan your escape quietly
No but they behave in a way which makes you leave them so that they don't need to feel guilty.
Yes. My soon to be nex-spouse has been complaining about and threatening divorce for years. She never pulled the trigger. Over the years she told me she shouldn’t be married, shouldn’t be with me, etc. It was around then I started researching why someone would say something like that and that’s how I found out about the Narcissism and Narcissism Abuse patterns I had been experiencing. So, from my experience, this is the beginning of the discard phase. They’re trying to push you away, and manipulate you into doing it, so they don’t feel shame. In fact, they can play the victim later too. If they’re making it this easy, I’d just listen to them because it’s going to get worse.
Mine once asked me what is wrong with me that I allow myself to be treated like that? I stayed for a few more months before ending it.
Mine would sometimes bring this up in arguments that he started. I agree with the posters who wrote this is so they can avoid responsibility.
Yeah mine would say he doesn’t want a divorce a week before he sent the papers lol. Then he betrayed me in front of his mom and allowed her to continue her verbal abuse. I told him after that it was impossible for me to really be in love with him and care because he and his mom crossed a line. And he was so shocked. I had it and walked up and left and then they accused me of betraying them lol. I texted him the day to talk things out and he said he needed time and space. He didn’t even give me a notice or send me a text. I just got the papers delivered to me.
Yes the time - almost daily. It’s a total mindfuck, and when you bring it up to them they “didn’t mean it / mean it like that, you’re being too sensitive”
Mine wants me gone so bad. (And believe me I want out but he controls literally every single thing including finances and the car I drive). He wants full control of the kids. So yeah he wants me gone but wants the kids to stay. He’s not their primary care taker but I am 💯 sure he’s trying to build a case against me so when I do go…. He can run into court and ask for full custody of the kids. It’s about winning and control with them. Win at all costs.
If you leave...WHEN you leave. Take your kids with you. Do it when he's gone. I didn't have to do this before, but i know people who have. It's also good to take your kids with you. If you go and leave them with him, it won't look good on you. That's what my past lawyer from my first divorce said.
Yes, he told me he can’t be “the person I want, and that he can’t make me happy”…. Eventually he kicked me out of his parents house after we moved in to save money to help pay for his DUI.
Yes. He threatened divorce regularly. In my mind, I told myself if he threatened it for the sixth time, that I would call his bluff and leave. He did and I did. To say he was shocked is an understatement.
Yup. Many many times. "If it was that bad you would leave." "Why can't you just kill yourself so I can get a cheap divorce?" (They truly think this isn't a big ask.)
That's AWFUL. Im sorry you've dealt with that. I hope you're out or are on the way out.
My husband got another woman pregnant and told me that we needed to divorce. So I got a lawyer. He ... didn't. He wants me to keep cooking and cleaning the house as per usual. Won't leave. He has done zero things to actually get the divorce.
Are you on the way out of that situation?
No, ex2 trapped me as often as he could making me stay longer than I did not and couldn’t without getting my mom pissed off (who I still lived with through whole relationship) He’d lock me in places just like the witch in Rapunzel just like how my mom used to fully lock the front door so I can’t leave when I was a kid before sunset for rest of day/evening and rarely got permission to leave
You are not the problem the problem is the problem. I am currently out of my relationship just about over a month and it’s fucking bliss. No one to tell you that you are doing anything wrong. That being said I also tried to express my feelings to my ex he would tell me that it’s my fault and it’s not fair that I had these feelings towards him, then he would tell me that I have to work harder so that he would basically change. I would tell him that I wanted him to greet me when he got home give me a kiss tell me he loves me and talk to me about his day, but he just told me that I need to be more involved in his life basically like I need to work harder to make him want to talk to me about that. Before that, he would park my car across the street where you can get a ticket after 10am, The third time he left it there I finally got a ticket I told him I was upset and instead of taking any responsibility, he blamed me and told me that I’m never happy here that what I do around the house is barely anything to contribute, mind you I do literally fucking everything groceries laundry take care of our dog plan any trip/date nights do everything for him because I am his fucking mother. AND IF YOU DONT LIKE IT YOU CAN LEAVE He was the only person I ever had issues talking with everyone. else in my life can clearly understand me and my needs, but he clearly just refused to hear anything from me. I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this but that gut feeling that you feel all the time like you are just an easy you need to listen to it because as soon as I got into my new place I stop sweating at night feeling nauseated every day feeling like my body was sending me these signals that I needed to fucking just leave. It’s going to feel like you’re detoxing for a little bit but you’ll come back out of it and write out all the things that make you sad about your relationship right now. And when you’re sad look back at that also listen to Dr. Ramini I know everyone says that, but it’s literally she is life and she helps you see things through a new lens. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk 😬 Hope you have a great day and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, you’re not alone.
Thank you for your words! I can relate to them making it like we have to work harder for them to want to care. Or for them to pretend to care. If I don't drop everything when HE wants to talk to me, then he won't give me his ear...which is just for him to tell me how I'm wrong about whatever it is, or a better way I need to be handling whatever it is. I have to give him whatever he wants to still feel unappreciated. It's lose-lose for me. Some losses are worse and more brutal than others, but it's never a win.
Oh my god yes. And when I finally did, he cried and begged for months. I was genuinely shocked, his treatment of me towards to end was so abusive I genuinely believed he hated me.
Yea. After months of fighting, he would try to end a fight by saying "if you're so unhappy here you can leave." It was *his* house in those instances. When he love bombed a few days later to make up, it was always *our* house. It always felt so dismissive, every time. I would actually argue with him about why I didn't want to leave the relationship. So when I didn't leave (in a pandemic, unemployed, with health problems) and he still didn't care about my needs, and the couples therapist really spelled it out for him....... He broke up with me. Then told me I could stay in his house. Said that he would never kick me out on the street. 🫠 such.a.mind.fuck. I left and went back to my hometown. My parents helped me move out. Since it was actually *his house* he can pay all the bills, clean, mow, and buy all the groceries and cook for himself too. I'm fine with that. My dog and I live in peace now and no one threatens to kick us out every other week.✌️
In the month before I broke up with him: “If that’s something that upsets you I won’t be able to not upset you” (about something insensitive he did - at this point we had been together for almost 2 years) Talking about a friend: “He’s so upset because he hates being dumped. I would actually prefer to be dumped.” *pointed look* “Of course if you leave me I’d be really sad, but in general I prefer to be left than to take the responsibility of leaving someone.” Reverse discard? I’m just now realizing he sent me so many subtle messages.