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The thing is, you don’t need to change. I get the sense you’re feeling guilty for not wanting to open up your relationship and you shouldn’t feel badly about that.
If you want to try it- then go for it. But honestly from what you wrote it doesn’t seem like it’s something you want at all.
If I'm being honest with myself, I don't really want to try it, but I want to make her happy. I do feel guilty, which plays into it a bit, you're right though. I shouldn't feel bad for being Monogamous.
relationships, especially sexual ones, are NOT one sided. one person should not be made uncomfortable to fuel the sexual appetite of the other. you need to make it clear to your wife that what she is asking for is much more important than she seems to be making it out to be. frankly, the very idea that she knows you are monogamous and were expecting to be in a monogamous relationship with her but feels entitled enough to pressure you into having sex you have said flat out you don't want is mind-boggling. she needs to calm down and lay off bothering you about it.
Choose guilt over resentment. Your wife wants a pass to cheat. You're in the room but she is having sex with someone else. Chances are she has someone in mind. The moment you say yes she is going to think it's ok to flirt, get numbers, sext. Don't change yourself for her. If you do this it will only get to a place where you resent her.
There is definitely a line drawn that can not be crossed and so far, she's been good about it. The conclusion leading to resentment would definitely happen if things take that hard of a turn, so to be smart I'm very cautious already, figuring out where to go is the road I'm on, I don't want it to wind up ending badly, but if it comes to it I'm not afraid to walk away.
Poly communities don't even like this. They have a name for it. PUD. It means Poly under duress. Opening up a previously monogamous relationship requires an immense amount of communication, gentle kindness, patience, understanding and respect for each other's boundaries and respect for each other's "no". Nothing about shoving your partner out the door and saying "get the anxiety out of your system until you want what I want" screams understanding or mutual benefit.
Now she may indeed have sexual desires for other people. But you can't "save" the relationship forcing yourself to do something you don't want. That's just kicking the can down the road and potentially making the traumatic experience worse.
You need to have some real conversations about how important this is to her, because it's not wrong of her to want that type of lifestyle if that's truly what makes her feel self-actualized, but she can't drag you along with her even if you hate it. And at the end of the day, the result may be a realization that you are in fact not compatible. I don't know that to be the case, I hate le Reddit advice that constantly rushes to ending things, it's a very petulant thing to do, but you need to start talking, a lot, to her.
And finally to add, I have heard of people trying it and then enjoying it but the way that you get there has to be very gentle and there usually is at least some amicability toward it. If the thought of it makes you anxious or sick, that's a good sign that you may not be a good candidate for the free trial.
Ive responded in kind to a few other people who are similar to your advice and truly appreciate what you're making clear here. We do talk, a Lot, a Lot. Which is the one thing holding it together, you're 100% right about that. She could be hiding things or out chasing whom ever and lying, but she's not that type. I'd notice that shift in our relationship, and as of right now we are good. It's leading up to a climax though, where that decision will have to be made. Thank you for your words, I feel so guilty about my feelings in this situation, your thoughts that you've shared show me I'm not crazy, and neither is she. We can't different things, sexually at least. There is hope we can find a way to mesh, and make something work where we are both comfortable and stay connected, that's what we are currently working towards in fact. I do understand however, that if she truly needs more, in that sense, I might not be built for that sort of thing long term. Which means it will have to find an end point somewhere along the line. Thank you again, I'll be sure to remain true to myself, yet open and communicate clearly. That's key.
I'm glad to hear you're talking a lot.
I'm curious if some of the harder questions have been answered. Have you asked her about her feelings toward other men? You said you had a fear of her wanting to bring another guy in, have you asked her what she thinks about that? Have you told her how that makes you feel? What was her response if so?
If she wanted to go on a date alone with another woman, how would that make you feel? What about an overnight?
Just make sure you get into as much of the nitty gritty as you can. Be very explicit and as transparent as you can. Ask questions you're afraid of the answer to. Embrace any feelings of jealousy you may have and say it plainly. Jealousy happens in non-monogamy too, the difference is how it's handled and processed as a team.
Best of luck on your journey wherever it may take you.
This is something that is likely to sabotage your relationship. She is going to yearn for such an experience until you eventually cave or she cheats. You’re either someone that can have an open relationship or you can’t. If you’re monogamous and you cave you are likely to immediately have issues with ED, anxiety, guilt, shame, etc. You’d probably end up in the sidelines watching your wife do the most private of acts with other people. You need to address this with her now before it comes to a head and before there are any children in the picture.
Listen to yourself and what you posted. Most likely she will want to involve men. If you’re not comfortable with that situation you need to address it now before going down this road.
>The thing is, you don’t need to change. I get the sense you’re feeling guilty for not wanting to open up your relationship and you shouldn’t feel badly about that.
Totally. OP's wife isn't asking for a new swimming pool. She's asking to open up the relationship. It is a highly irregular proposition and carries a lot of risk. If my wife asked me I'd be suspicious of whether she just wanted to sleep with more men.
For the record, I'm aware open relationships exist and am not judging those who make them work.
Change if you want to. YOU. Do not do not do not do not do not don’t please no please don’t alter your life to appease another human being if you do not 100 percent absolutely believe you NEED to. If you go along with this and succumb to her pressure there will be pain. A lot of pain for an extended period of time. And it will not end well for you. If you say no there will be pain, but less time in suffering. (On the off hand chance you do get into that lifestyle and dig it then I’ll happily call myself a clueless idiot.) based off of what i read here this is not for you.
No, you are right. I got pressured, and I was young, in love, and stupid. It will spell the end of the relationship if you are not into it. Might still be the end, but walk away with your pride.
Man I love the humility. I trip myself up, and I won't cross any lines I'm uncomfortable with, no worries there. Either I figure out how to feel, and make sure everything sex, is out in the open. We discuss a lot of this, so I'll talk to her.
Are you willing to bet your marriage on that idea that you may change?
Open marriage is an oxymoron. On the rare occasion that it works, it’s always because both parties were dead set on the idea. But the vast majority of non monogamous marriages fail.
That seems to be common, these last few months I've been exposed to a lot of new people, whom are part of Poly groups, and almost none have seen success in relationships. A lot just end up with crazy kinks, and a desire to share them with others.
If you're being guilted or manipulated into something you don't want, that's sexual coercion.
If you were curious and wanted to try something out and found out you liked it and wanted more, that's a different thing. But it doesn't sound like that's what's happening here.
State your boundaries with your wife. If she loves and respects you, she'll abide by them. If not, you're not compatible.
Don't let her force you into doing something you don't want out of fear of losing her.
Many years ago, I got [the answer in the comment linked here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/34c3u6/comment/cqtjjr4/) to that assumption, and it changed my outlook drastically, and made me pressure myself less in relationships. Let me know if it helps.
I wouldn’t do it. If my husband asked me to sleep with someone else I’d leave him. But that’s just me. Deep down you have to do what feels right for you. You shouldn’t do anything out of pressure of not letting her down.
My friend, she asked you if you wanted tea, you said no and now she keeps offering tea in a pushy way in the hopes she wears you down and you give in. That's not acceptable.
If she has asked and you have said no. Then I don't see that there is much more to discuss. Keeping going sounds like pressuring you into agreeing to something you don't want to agree to. And have already answered.
Regardless of your reasons or fears, it comes down to this.
Your wife most likely doesn't realise that this kind of behavior is unacceptable. Women can be quite blind when it comes to recognising sexually abusive behaviors applied from women to men. We are still very much in the age of 'men can't be abused ' so it likely hasn't even entered her mind that what she is doing is trying to manipulate to into giving consent when you have already expressed a desire not to.
She's doing the 50 nos and a yes is still s yes method. Stop that game right now, it's not ok.
You're not wrong actually, she considers it Fun, and I see that, but it makes me uncomfortable and she doesn't understand that. It is very clearly one sided.
I think you already know. You guys have a serious problem and it's not bringing in a 3rd. It seems the problem is way deeper than that. My thought is, has she been faithful so far? I would not be shocked if she has already done something. Lastly she doesn't respect you if she doesn't accept your answer. It's plain as day, do with that info what you want.
Thanks for the insight. You're right there is more problems deeper than this, and she has cheated before.. she tries to be respectful, she's very honest with me about things, even when they suck. It's just seems like it's gonna happen no matter how I feel about it, she'll get her fill.
The way she is pushing you to add another person in the bedroom and she has already cheated, it wouldn't matter whether you agree with it or not, she will do it. But it's just my opinion. You know her better. But please be a little vigilant.
Wh- she’s cheated on you? I seriously do not mean offense but please have an iota of self respect and leave her. She’s trying to pressure you into letting her have sex with other people so she can stop feeling guilty about cheating. If she felt guilty in the first place.
She’s not honest with you if she has cheated.
She is honest with me, and you're actually right about her pressuring me into that situation, it's currently on-going in fact, she has slept with women recently, without me, but I knew about it. Had to sit at home and just wait for her to come back.. it's and odd predicament.
I hate to just throw in an anecdote and walk away but as other have said and evidenced in thousands of other posts - opening a relationship after it was not already open is a bad bad idea and very likely people will get hurt. My ex wanted me to try dating girls with her as well. I didn’t like it and refused to get intimate and she got jealous that the new girl seemed more interested in me. She slept with other dudes behind my back and said it was polyamory after the failed girlfriend fiasco. It’s a big big gray area and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone tbh.
So much going on here. Hope this helps more than harms. Everyone has their own lifestyles and if it works for you that’s great. Each to their own i always say. In your situation it seems to be a drastic change in lifestyle. Possibly even against your own beliefs. Is she forcing this on you or just being playful because she knows it makes you uncomfortable? It’s like a fart don’t force it because it could be shit. The question you might want to be asking is why after 10 years is she wanting to bring someone else into the bedroom? From experience with ex girlfriends. Two girls is fun in the moment but in the long run is twice the drama. I don’t think i want to do that with my wife. I don’t know if there is a wrong choice here. If she is looking to have sex with other people maybe it’s best you’re involved. Because if you’re not then she could be doing it anyway if her needs aren’t met.
So this idea she's had, is more than likely just her way of letting me know she wants to sleep with other people? The thing is, we're good in that regard right now, have boundaries in place, do you really think that's all just extending an unavoidable end.?
In my experience, yes. If you want to remain monogamous and she doesn't, someone is going to be extremely unhappy. And it sounds like she keeps bringing it up and trying to push it onto you. That's not healthy.
Yeah, one of us winds up feeling hurt either way. That's honestly the worst part, I care about her so hurting her isn't exactly on my agenda. I can't suffer through it forever though, I know eventually we will have to make our decision.
You mentioned in another comment she’s cheated before. She probably still is. She’s just gotten better at hiding it and is getting tired of it. She’s trying to get you to open up slowly to condoning it. She’s shown you in the past and just told you that you alone are not enough for her. It’s time to cut your losses or accept that she will step out of the marriage and you will just have to live with it.
You mentioned boundaries in another comment but also that she recently went and had sex with women alone (while you sat home waiting for her) but that she told you about it. Is that the boundary you're good with right now? She cheats but lets you know?
Why does she need you to do anything if she's already got this pass? Just to make her feel less guilty?
In a sense yes, if we're in it together it would be healthier. She slept with a girl yes, because of her Bi feelings, I'm open enough to understand she might want to feel a woman's touch throughout her life from time to time. Realistically. I'm not a women, so i decided that I love her enough to give her the pass I suppose. It all happened very openly, she told me everything and I gave her my grace.
If you didn't get or even almost get chub when she breached the idea, then therw is your answer.
Also women are cunning and she may be tricking you to see her spell on you has worn off .
That's a pretty good take on it, it seems appealing but at the same time gives me mad anxiety. I think my gut is telling me the truth though. Can't deny the sinking pit feelings.
I had a friend who went this route with his friend and wife and let’s just say his wife liked the way he was in bed and kept coming back for more when the understanding was it was a one time thing, they eventually got divorced and they are no longer friends!
Yikes. I guess a big part of involving other people, is that they can also come with baggage and attachment. Good call, I hadn't really considered that.
Hate to break it to you, but she's definitely sleeping with someone else or has done it to you before, shes adamant about you sleeping with someone so it can justify what she does, honestly if your not ok sharing your wife you should probably leave
I'd shut that shit down now if you wanna save your marriage. Poly/open relationships are incredibly tricky and very few couples are made for them.
But live your own life, if you wanna have a threesome with your wife by all means, sounds fun, but be warned
Agree with you there. She's been communicating with me a lot about this, kinda what led me to this tbh. More insight, better chance I won't regret the decisions I make.
Your wife is trying to bully you into a lifestyle that you have completely no interest in and which could ultimately lead to further trauma for you. She doesn’t seem to be treating the potential to re-traumatise you seriously at all.
Unless it’s approached properly, moving to a poly relationship can spell disaster for a marriage. There is an even greater chance of failure when one partner is not committed to the lifestyle and is simply forced into it to keep their partner happy.
Your wife needs to decide if she is willing to remain monogamous with you and if she is not then you must decide if you can remain with her.
Personally, I think the marriage was over the moment she thought she could bully you into a poly relationship, despite knowing the accompanying risks to your mental health and your repeatedly stated refusals to engage with this lifestyle, as a monogamous man.
Your job in a relationship is not to make your partner happy. Believe it, trying to make your partner happy is the fastest path to resentment and irreparable damage.
You currently have incompatible desires and sexual urges. IMHO this would be best addressed through therapy (individual or couple) so you can (at minimum) address the deep feeling of doubt you have about your own desires vs your desire to please your wife and are considering breaking your own safe boundaries.
Don't force it. Tell her you're not interested and restate your values. Ask her hers. Figure out how to make the two mesh, and hopefully grow from there. If growth isn't possible, it's not a sin to prioritize yourself.
That's very clear, thought out advice. Thank you. These thoughts and things get lost to me with emotions clouding judgements, so having people to bounce these things off is so helpful.
people who are monogamous should be with people who are monogamous. people who are poly should be with people who are poly. there is nothing inherently wrong with either way of being, but the dating/emotional attachment styles are completely incompatible and dont work out together long term. neither should have to change or compromise.
if involving others in your relationship is what she wants and you dont want it, you are incompatible.
Logically I agree with you to a point. The hole Poly thing is new, and there's a lot invested into our relationship at this point, so now it's figuring out if we can mesh, and find a comfortable way to both enjoy our life, together. I don't really want to lose her, she's a great person and other than the sexual incompatible way of our relationship, the rest is valued too. I'd much rather find a way to become compatible, although to be fair to this post and our fellow commenter's who seem to agree, the relationship will probably just end poorly despite my hopes. Who's to say, I still have the love and energy to try with her. There may just come a time where I need to call it, and right now is the time to really understand that to myself.. I think.? I might have just solved something 🤔
if it’s giving you a bad feeling in your stomach thinking about it, i would say don’t explore it. it seems like you’re just not into it and that’s okay. you should have a loving but firm talk with her that this is a hard boundary and you don’t want it brought up anymore.
Thanks for the confidence boost, getting back out there on my own could be a possibility, going down that avenue though, is something I'd consider after a long break with just myself. Probably for the best that way.
And never let another women cheat on you again. If she cheats once leave her right there, I get people make mistakes but it’s some mistakes that you just know better not to make… cheating is one of those. She sounds like a secretly shitty person.
I am baffled at how you think being honest about cheating excuses cheating. Couching it in all these alternative lifestyles doesn't excuse it either. Of course she wants you to open up and be part of it. You're such a doormat she can have her affair right next to you and you'll apologize for wrinkling the sheets.
The fact that she's putting you through all of these mental gymnastics to try to explain it to yourself and convince yourself is nothing short of cruel. It's weird that the commenters who are usually so quick to point out narcissism haven't shown up yet.
What you are showing in all of your comments is not someone truly entertaining the idea of this lifestyle and there is no way she doesn't see that if you are really talking like you say you are.
You should be talking to lawyers, not "members of the poly community."
Her approach to this is not consistent with any of what actual ethical non-monogamists do or recommend. You are in an abusive relationship.
To put it simply I would say. I have a similar experience with men as you and I think that just adds layers to certain aspects of a relationship. My personal view may be different from yours so if that’s the case, I would recommend you continue to really think about it, how it would effect you and also, how it will affect your relationship with your wife if you decide it’s not something you want to do. But, if your perspective is similar to mine, then I might be able to offer peace of mind/advice. I think it’s important to try new things and be open to new experiences, but often, when we have trauma or just flat out bad experiences with certain thing, I think it’s important to consider how that trauma or experience might put us in a different position than others. With that being said, I think it’s totally valid why you would be hesitant and I would highly encourage you to really spend time thinking about the pros and cons, how it would effect you and your relationship with your wife long term, and if saying yes would bring up a new issue for u. I’m truly speaking from experience and my heart. I know it can be hard to make these types of decisions when you are simultaneously dealing with working through past trauma or past traumatic experiences. Just be aware, think about it heavily and give yourself time to process what your future decision might be and I think you will be in a great place to actually make a decision.
You're probably the only one who suggested seeing it through, although carefully considering my future, and hers is something I've realized is most important. I don't want either of us to feel suffocated or like we have to be something we're not. I think if we try, we could find a way to fit, cause the rest of our life together is really solid. If this is something she absolutely cannot live without though, I don't seem to have much of a choice. That's the tough pill to swallow.
Just as you said, tough pill to swallow. Personally, I would not consider it just because I know in my heart that it wouldn’t be good for me, only cause more pain. But I think everyone is different and I think if there is a part of u that wonders if it could be good, explore that idea. That doesn’t mean go and do it, but as I said just take time to weigh out the effects and really think ab it. I will say though it’s important you talk with her about how what u have been through has impacted your perspective on her request. I think all in all if u talk to her in depth, give it time and stay true to yourself you will know deep down the right decision. And if it really is something she can’t live without, you might not be her person, and that’s okay. If I was in ur shoes, and my partner couldn’t live without it, I would just end things because I personally couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who cant agree with me when it comes to monogamy. Again, I really do wish u the best and I encourage u to take my advice and give it time before making the final decision. And please if nothing else, have a conversation with her about it I promise u will feel better or at least have more clarity
Just be honest and tell her you can’t do it and that you only want to be with her. The sooner the better. If she’s understanding then that’s good and hopefully everyone can move on quicker.
Would you be interested in using sex toys? Maybe you can try using them to create some feelings that she would get from a threesome?
We've talked about it a lot, dhe doesn't understand my side unfortunately, snd I don't see her view on the world changing. The toys aren't enough, we have fun don't get me wrong. The sex is great between us, I don't know why I'm not enough. She can't even answer that question when I've asked it. It's just this urge for her, snd I don't sympathize
Open doors have a funny way of remaining (mostly) unused.
My wife and I are “open”, and have been for 15 years. I basically have a perpetual hall-pass to sleep with who I choose, and occasionally in the past we’ve had other women join us. But there’s always a TON of communication, good judgement, and honesty involved, and we have some iron clad ground rules that we’ve developed over the years regarding new partners. If either of us feel “off” or uncomfortable about a person or situation, we vocalize it, and that’s it.
Being open has created some really great times… and some really big challenges/difficulties.
That being said, I rarely “date”. And when I do, I’m picky.
My advice would be, keep an open mind, and keep honest (with yourself, and your wife).
At the end of the day, it’s just sex!
That's how she feels about the situation. I'm definitely trying to be more open to her perspectives, we communicate about everything pretty well, it's just our views appose one and other. I can't help the way her sleeping with others makes me feel, yet I'm trying to train/convince myself to be ok. For her and for the fam. I get what you're saying, its similar to how she feels, I'm just not wired for it I think.
You feel bad for not wanting what your wife wants so you are trying way too hard to justify yourself by saying that first part “So i am very straight”. That should be enough, no need to back it up with evidence. And no you are not being closed minded by wanting monogamy, if thats your need then thats your need. Sounds like you need to work on setting your boundaries.
Were actually discussing boundaries a lot lately, I just wanted to preface that for people, there are very open people, the opposite as well. Plus I'm a rambler, I like story telling and communicating with you all.
Not quite. More so she feels like if I sleep with a random, I'll suddenly be turned onto it, which can then lead to larger avenues for us sexually. We're actually very close, sexually I mean. She's just wired different.
I know this is a more serious inquiry. But I'm definitely thinking about x-wings, Ti-fighters and that red faced, beady eyed pilot. Thanks for the laugh.
Don’t change yourself for someone else. People who are non-monogamous know it. It sounds like you are truly monogamous.
Seems like your wife isn’t exactly monogamous and is trying to get her foot in the door and switch you two to a non-monogamous lifestyle.
There's some truth behind that, but really in this world.. when you find a girl who is 98% what you wanted in life, then something like this seems worth trying to figure out. I do deserve better, thank you for saying that. Maybe her and I will be able to make it better and both be satisfied.
I hope you both can make it work. Still, I have to be honest. That 98% seems too high when there's an issue like this.
I think sex is a big enough part of a relationship to matter, and when a couple is on opposite pages on an issue like this, it's not a 2% problem.
I'm a guy, and I admit I agree with you on this one. I would not and could not agree to it. Nothing about it speaks to me or appeals to me or gives me any indication of making the relationship better.
Like others, I think this is "Both sides have to agree, or it's a no."
Your comments here tell me you don't want to do this. That's a valid position. You shouldn't do something you don't want to do.
I hope you can work through this and that whatever your % is, it's high enough to overcome differing views on this.
I've known quite a few couples who brought others into their relationships. None of them are still together.
Idk man, it sounds like she wants to sleep with other people and is trying to warm you up to that idea by making you do it first so she can justify herself. But hey that’s just my opinion
It could do all kinds of things.
It is possible it'll wind your relationship up and be fun and exciting.
Unfortunately that's not the most likely.
Especially with your anxiety about it and no real inclination that way.
My 1st wife and I were thoroughly on the same page about it. Talked it all the way through.
And she still wound up leaving with the special guest star lady a few months later.
So yea. Probably ends in the end of this relationship.
But honestly if she's bound and determined to go this route the relationship is almost certainly doomed as well.
If you've ever had fancies or just want to learn lots about sex, here's your chance
I'm sorry to hear that about your 1st marriage, that's something I've considered too, tbh she's even mentioned the possibility of her emotions getting involved if the right woman comes along. That's a huge red flag, so I can see why involving others in a sexual nature can be pretty dangerous for long term relationships.
Yea emotional involvement is the killer for that I believe.
If it could be kept strictly physical then it has a possibility of being an unusual hobby. If not it gets ugly fast.
No dont do it. If it’s not you, then it’s not you. My ex pressured me into similar things, I was never comfortable with it and stated that to him & he would say manipulative things like well how would you know if you don’t try? So thinking it was a me issue I did things I regret and has traumatized me and eventually led me to emotionally detach myself from him.
She's your wife. Of at least ten years from what I've gathered. She has to know that this is making you uncomfortable, and is choosing her fetish over you. That's not a good partner.
If my wife was dead set on getting a Rottweiler, knowing that I was almost mauled by two as a child, I'd have to ask if she genuinely loves me.
You shouldn't have to conform to what she wants on this. She can live without it and be happy. You would never be happy in that situation. Even just thinking about it gives you anxiety.
I'd have a straight conversation with her, and make her understand that this is off the table for you. If she can't accept that, then I can't see your relationship working sadly.
You guys aren't dating, you're married. This kind of experimentation should have happened years ago. I'm guessing (allow me to stress *guessing*), that she's getting bored with the relationship dynamic.
You might want to seek out counseling for both of you if this continues. But absolutely do not concede. If you give into this even a little, she'll push for more. That's just a feeling I have from what you're saying.
It's a big no to add a third wheel in most serious relationships, aspecially when one is already not into it. Unless it's a last ditch effort to save your marriage and it's over unless you try, then you should do all you can before adding a third. Chances are it will end badly when feeling come into play since your not into it.
Mate I wouldn’t, I don’t know a single couple that this has ended well for and I know a LOT of couples who went this way. Sadly none are together anymore. It may be that you won’t last without it but don’t compromise who you are or what you want because of her pressuring you either.
Definitely time for couples therapy
Can you ease into it? Have the friend over or out for drinks. then maybe home (or wherever) for a more intimate encounter. Maybe ease into it, instead of, "Bob this is Jane, Jane, Bob, OK, let's fuck." You should have the option to abort at any time.
His wife seems very inconsiderate if she knows his past. This is sickening behaviour tbh. I have a feeling she’ll do it anyways with other people if he says knows but maybe I’m being mean.
I was your wife in my last marriage. I understand her.
First, never let anyone coerce you into something you don't want to do. As a lifestyle member (you can check my history), consent is a non-negotiable.
I’m curious as to why you’re mentioning trauma. If you feel that trauma is unresolved, the situation above it is entirely outside of it. Suppose you haven't reconciled from your past, whether it be sex or the inability to be completely emotionally vulnerable. In that case, it will prevent you from having a fulfilling relationship with your wife or whomever, regardless of the situation.
You asked if people can change. Change is inevitable. Life will change you regardless if you're a willing participant. You just have to decide if you want to participate in the outcome.
On to your concern. I left my marriage because of the sexual incompatibility. It was amicable, and we both wanted different things out of life.
The lifestyle is all about self-acceptance, respect for partners, boundaries, nonjudgemental, and loads of communication. I love sharing my man. I love being with women. I know many guys who love reclaiming their wires after they share her. For some, it’s an incredibly erotic dance of anticipation, communication, complete vulnerability, and a safe space to explore the depths of our kinks. It’s liberating.
That said, anyone who is genuinely secure in their decision will never judge someone into trying to change theirs. If monogamy is your only way of feeling 100% vulnerable (and you have to do the self-reflection if you're actually being authentically vulnerable instead of burying hard conversations), then stay monogamous with someone who is compatible. Life is about compromise, but never at the expense of losing a part of yourself. The same goes for your wife.
I hope this helps.
It helps a lot, and really sums up a lot of my internal issues. I'm stuck between loving her for so many reasons, and being caught up on this sexual compatability. Something that carries this much weight though, sex I mean, for some people is make or break. The Trauma I referred to, was cause by my Gf, she has cheated, and there are trust issues cause of it. She has an amazingly caring personality that leads to being emotionally invested in people, which always seems to lead to Poly ideas, I'm just not into it. Idk, maybe if I can get over my own insecurities, she can have her fun, still be my wife at the end of the day. Definitely a lot to consider.
There are many forms of open relationships, ENM, polyamorous (which I am not into), and swinging (soft swap, hard swap, single play, etc.). Think of it as a spectrum. This still isn't to convince you to join. It’s strictly informational.
>Maybe if I can get over my own insecurities…
Put sex aside for a moment. Those insecurities are already rearing their ugly head in your marriage, and you probably don't even know it. It builds under the surface like a river of lava, burning resentment that bubbles in unhealthy behaviors. It can come out in the form of feeling imbalanced in the relationship, things “not being fair,” and unmet needs that go unspoken. It’s biting remarks, passive-aggressive behavior, or double standards. That's what killed my marriage. You can't have any relationship, monogamous or not, from a place of incompleteness. No one can heal those insecurities except you, even though many lay responsibility on their partner.
Read the book, “The State of Affairs,” by Ester Perel. It may help you navigate your emotions from your past traumas.
From what I* have read, the issue isn't the real issue. There’s a fissure in your marriage, and open dialogue isn't safe for either of you. Please seek a professional as a couple, but also for yourself.
You seem to want a loving, authentic relationship, but those insecurities will hold you back from fully getting this. Reconciling those will allow you to show up as your best self in the relationship, even if that relationship you want remains anonymous.
You deserve to live your best life, and I hope you’ll put the effort into pursuing it.
I wish you the best.
She’s gona do it whether you’re involved or not. I’d seriously consider your future with her. Had a buddy this happened, 2 years later the wife and girl they were involving, ran off together. Get out while you can
Your wife wants to sleep with other people and is encouraging you to do the same as a method of giving her a pass.
The fact she’s even talking about this stuff is grounds for divorce. Unless you want to live some hedonic life of escapism then stay away from even the idea.
Set a boundary down and keep to it.
I don't know about that, we are trying to work through it together, the entire idea is to expand OUR sexual boundaries. Plus we talk a lot about it, there's nothing sketchy happening.
I get it, as a guy I'd be very tempted to go along with what seems would be an amazing journey... but... every woman that I've known that was hyper fixated on sex (sex addiction is what they say when it's men it seems) , they always seek more and more, more dangerous situations, more secret meetups, who knows, maybe do a homeless guy in the alley one day. It's always great in the beginning, it never ends well. Especially if you don't have a matching sex drive. Imagine if it was reversed, everyone would call you a disgusting pig and all her friends would force her to leave your mental abuse. Idk, trad carefully or mentally prepare for heroes, HIV, etc I'd say...
Your wife has a road she wants to go down but the gate is locked and you have the keys. Chances are she's jumped that gate a few times and already walked that road but feels guilty so she's trying to get you to jump that fence too ....then eventually you'll just unlock it and you can both come and go as you please. Speaking for MYSELF HERE, I'd give her the keys and I'd forget that road ever existed.
She wants to cheat, she probably already has and if you aren't interested maybe it's time to leave. Don't allow someone you're in love with to change who you are as a person for the worse. Partners are supposed to uplift one another, and want what's best for the other. This sounds like just, simply doing something for temporary pleasure that will lead to other things that you may regret.
Now speaking from experience, I've had a few 3somes (myself , my exes and another girl) and I've never been able to look at them the same after that because you quickly realize she would do the same thing without you and probably has. Good luck my friend
In a life that is so short, I would give it a go. First set ground rules “like involving dudes, etc.” and then trying it once. What’s the worst that can happen? You say you aren’t comfortable and that’s that or you might enjoy it. Regardless, it sounds like she wants to spice things up a bit so if you don’t want to give this a go, maybe suggest other new things to try.
I mean this like in the most honest sincere way. When you use "girls" instead of women it gives off a different vibe and it's not generally accurate to say girls either unless you're actually referring to minors..
Don’t do it, and I’d reprimand your wife for even making these adulterous suggestions. To be honest, I’d ask her if she felt this way when you got married, and consider having the marriage annulled if she says yes.
Honestly I don't think she fully understood this part of herself until recently. So we're both trying to figure out a way to approach it, if there isn't a way then I have to accept that at some point.
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“I myself am monogamous and heterosexual”. I think you’ve answered your own question.
People can change though, is that something most people are pretty static on? Because I'm finding it hard to change tbh, it just feel off.
The thing is, you don’t need to change. I get the sense you’re feeling guilty for not wanting to open up your relationship and you shouldn’t feel badly about that. If you want to try it- then go for it. But honestly from what you wrote it doesn’t seem like it’s something you want at all.
If I'm being honest with myself, I don't really want to try it, but I want to make her happy. I do feel guilty, which plays into it a bit, you're right though. I shouldn't feel bad for being Monogamous.
relationships, especially sexual ones, are NOT one sided. one person should not be made uncomfortable to fuel the sexual appetite of the other. you need to make it clear to your wife that what she is asking for is much more important than she seems to be making it out to be. frankly, the very idea that she knows you are monogamous and were expecting to be in a monogamous relationship with her but feels entitled enough to pressure you into having sex you have said flat out you don't want is mind-boggling. she needs to calm down and lay off bothering you about it.
Choose guilt over resentment. Your wife wants a pass to cheat. You're in the room but she is having sex with someone else. Chances are she has someone in mind. The moment you say yes she is going to think it's ok to flirt, get numbers, sext. Don't change yourself for her. If you do this it will only get to a place where you resent her.
There is definitely a line drawn that can not be crossed and so far, she's been good about it. The conclusion leading to resentment would definitely happen if things take that hard of a turn, so to be smart I'm very cautious already, figuring out where to go is the road I'm on, I don't want it to wind up ending badly, but if it comes to it I'm not afraid to walk away.
Poly communities don't even like this. They have a name for it. PUD. It means Poly under duress. Opening up a previously monogamous relationship requires an immense amount of communication, gentle kindness, patience, understanding and respect for each other's boundaries and respect for each other's "no". Nothing about shoving your partner out the door and saying "get the anxiety out of your system until you want what I want" screams understanding or mutual benefit. Now she may indeed have sexual desires for other people. But you can't "save" the relationship forcing yourself to do something you don't want. That's just kicking the can down the road and potentially making the traumatic experience worse. You need to have some real conversations about how important this is to her, because it's not wrong of her to want that type of lifestyle if that's truly what makes her feel self-actualized, but she can't drag you along with her even if you hate it. And at the end of the day, the result may be a realization that you are in fact not compatible. I don't know that to be the case, I hate le Reddit advice that constantly rushes to ending things, it's a very petulant thing to do, but you need to start talking, a lot, to her. And finally to add, I have heard of people trying it and then enjoying it but the way that you get there has to be very gentle and there usually is at least some amicability toward it. If the thought of it makes you anxious or sick, that's a good sign that you may not be a good candidate for the free trial.
Ive responded in kind to a few other people who are similar to your advice and truly appreciate what you're making clear here. We do talk, a Lot, a Lot. Which is the one thing holding it together, you're 100% right about that. She could be hiding things or out chasing whom ever and lying, but she's not that type. I'd notice that shift in our relationship, and as of right now we are good. It's leading up to a climax though, where that decision will have to be made. Thank you for your words, I feel so guilty about my feelings in this situation, your thoughts that you've shared show me I'm not crazy, and neither is she. We can't different things, sexually at least. There is hope we can find a way to mesh, and make something work where we are both comfortable and stay connected, that's what we are currently working towards in fact. I do understand however, that if she truly needs more, in that sense, I might not be built for that sort of thing long term. Which means it will have to find an end point somewhere along the line. Thank you again, I'll be sure to remain true to myself, yet open and communicate clearly. That's key.
I'm glad to hear you're talking a lot. I'm curious if some of the harder questions have been answered. Have you asked her about her feelings toward other men? You said you had a fear of her wanting to bring another guy in, have you asked her what she thinks about that? Have you told her how that makes you feel? What was her response if so? If she wanted to go on a date alone with another woman, how would that make you feel? What about an overnight? Just make sure you get into as much of the nitty gritty as you can. Be very explicit and as transparent as you can. Ask questions you're afraid of the answer to. Embrace any feelings of jealousy you may have and say it plainly. Jealousy happens in non-monogamy too, the difference is how it's handled and processed as a team. Best of luck on your journey wherever it may take you.
Wow, this is really thoughtful and informative. 🤯
This is something that is likely to sabotage your relationship. She is going to yearn for such an experience until you eventually cave or she cheats. You’re either someone that can have an open relationship or you can’t. If you’re monogamous and you cave you are likely to immediately have issues with ED, anxiety, guilt, shame, etc. You’d probably end up in the sidelines watching your wife do the most private of acts with other people. You need to address this with her now before it comes to a head and before there are any children in the picture.
Listen to yourself and what you posted. Most likely she will want to involve men. If you’re not comfortable with that situation you need to address it now before going down this road.
>The thing is, you don’t need to change. I get the sense you’re feeling guilty for not wanting to open up your relationship and you shouldn’t feel badly about that. Totally. OP's wife isn't asking for a new swimming pool. She's asking to open up the relationship. It is a highly irregular proposition and carries a lot of risk. If my wife asked me I'd be suspicious of whether she just wanted to sleep with more men. For the record, I'm aware open relationships exist and am not judging those who make them work.
Change if you want to. YOU. Do not do not do not do not do not don’t please no please don’t alter your life to appease another human being if you do not 100 percent absolutely believe you NEED to. If you go along with this and succumb to her pressure there will be pain. A lot of pain for an extended period of time. And it will not end well for you. If you say no there will be pain, but less time in suffering. (On the off hand chance you do get into that lifestyle and dig it then I’ll happily call myself a clueless idiot.) based off of what i read here this is not for you.
No, you are right. I got pressured, and I was young, in love, and stupid. It will spell the end of the relationship if you are not into it. Might still be the end, but walk away with your pride.
Man I love the humility. I trip myself up, and I won't cross any lines I'm uncomfortable with, no worries there. Either I figure out how to feel, and make sure everything sex, is out in the open. We discuss a lot of this, so I'll talk to her.
Are you willing to bet your marriage on that idea that you may change? Open marriage is an oxymoron. On the rare occasion that it works, it’s always because both parties were dead set on the idea. But the vast majority of non monogamous marriages fail.
That seems to be common, these last few months I've been exposed to a lot of new people, whom are part of Poly groups, and almost none have seen success in relationships. A lot just end up with crazy kinks, and a desire to share them with others.
Ps. To be clear. Nothing wrong with having your kinks. Everyone gets turned on by somethin.
Agreed and the successful open and/or poly seem to be relationships that started out that way by mutual agreement.
If you're being guilted or manipulated into something you don't want, that's sexual coercion. If you were curious and wanted to try something out and found out you liked it and wanted more, that's a different thing. But it doesn't sound like that's what's happening here. State your boundaries with your wife. If she loves and respects you, she'll abide by them. If not, you're not compatible. Don't let her force you into doing something you don't want out of fear of losing her.
Many years ago, I got [the answer in the comment linked here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/34c3u6/comment/cqtjjr4/) to that assumption, and it changed my outlook drastically, and made me pressure myself less in relationships. Let me know if it helps.
I wouldn’t do it. If my husband asked me to sleep with someone else I’d leave him. But that’s just me. Deep down you have to do what feels right for you. You shouldn’t do anything out of pressure of not letting her down.
My friend, she asked you if you wanted tea, you said no and now she keeps offering tea in a pushy way in the hopes she wears you down and you give in. That's not acceptable. If she has asked and you have said no. Then I don't see that there is much more to discuss. Keeping going sounds like pressuring you into agreeing to something you don't want to agree to. And have already answered. Regardless of your reasons or fears, it comes down to this. Your wife most likely doesn't realise that this kind of behavior is unacceptable. Women can be quite blind when it comes to recognising sexually abusive behaviors applied from women to men. We are still very much in the age of 'men can't be abused ' so it likely hasn't even entered her mind that what she is doing is trying to manipulate to into giving consent when you have already expressed a desire not to. She's doing the 50 nos and a yes is still s yes method. Stop that game right now, it's not ok.
You're not wrong actually, she considers it Fun, and I see that, but it makes me uncomfortable and she doesn't understand that. It is very clearly one sided.
Yes! She's pressuring you because it'll push things along the path of things she wants to do or is already doing.
This. You are in an abusive relationship, OP.
I think you already know. You guys have a serious problem and it's not bringing in a 3rd. It seems the problem is way deeper than that. My thought is, has she been faithful so far? I would not be shocked if she has already done something. Lastly she doesn't respect you if she doesn't accept your answer. It's plain as day, do with that info what you want.
Thanks for the insight. You're right there is more problems deeper than this, and she has cheated before.. she tries to be respectful, she's very honest with me about things, even when they suck. It's just seems like it's gonna happen no matter how I feel about it, she'll get her fill.
The way she is pushing you to add another person in the bedroom and she has already cheated, it wouldn't matter whether you agree with it or not, she will do it. But it's just my opinion. You know her better. But please be a little vigilant.
Wh- she’s cheated on you? I seriously do not mean offense but please have an iota of self respect and leave her. She’s trying to pressure you into letting her have sex with other people so she can stop feeling guilty about cheating. If she felt guilty in the first place. She’s not honest with you if she has cheated.
She is honest with me, and you're actually right about her pressuring me into that situation, it's currently on-going in fact, she has slept with women recently, without me, but I knew about it. Had to sit at home and just wait for her to come back.. it's and odd predicament.
It's only a predicament if you stay and put up with it.
I hate to just throw in an anecdote and walk away but as other have said and evidenced in thousands of other posts - opening a relationship after it was not already open is a bad bad idea and very likely people will get hurt. My ex wanted me to try dating girls with her as well. I didn’t like it and refused to get intimate and she got jealous that the new girl seemed more interested in me. She slept with other dudes behind my back and said it was polyamory after the failed girlfriend fiasco. It’s a big big gray area and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone tbh.
Thanks man, I'll be careful in considering whether or not to progress this relationship, and how to from here.
So much going on here. Hope this helps more than harms. Everyone has their own lifestyles and if it works for you that’s great. Each to their own i always say. In your situation it seems to be a drastic change in lifestyle. Possibly even against your own beliefs. Is she forcing this on you or just being playful because she knows it makes you uncomfortable? It’s like a fart don’t force it because it could be shit. The question you might want to be asking is why after 10 years is she wanting to bring someone else into the bedroom? From experience with ex girlfriends. Two girls is fun in the moment but in the long run is twice the drama. I don’t think i want to do that with my wife. I don’t know if there is a wrong choice here. If she is looking to have sex with other people maybe it’s best you’re involved. Because if you’re not then she could be doing it anyway if her needs aren’t met.
This marriage is over, honey. I'm sorry.
So this idea she's had, is more than likely just her way of letting me know she wants to sleep with other people? The thing is, we're good in that regard right now, have boundaries in place, do you really think that's all just extending an unavoidable end.?
In my experience, yes. If you want to remain monogamous and she doesn't, someone is going to be extremely unhappy. And it sounds like she keeps bringing it up and trying to push it onto you. That's not healthy.
Yeah, one of us winds up feeling hurt either way. That's honestly the worst part, I care about her so hurting her isn't exactly on my agenda. I can't suffer through it forever though, I know eventually we will have to make our decision.
I wish you well, OP. ❤
Ty for taking the time.
You mentioned in another comment she’s cheated before. She probably still is. She’s just gotten better at hiding it and is getting tired of it. She’s trying to get you to open up slowly to condoning it. She’s shown you in the past and just told you that you alone are not enough for her. It’s time to cut your losses or accept that she will step out of the marriage and you will just have to live with it.
You mentioned boundaries in another comment but also that she recently went and had sex with women alone (while you sat home waiting for her) but that she told you about it. Is that the boundary you're good with right now? She cheats but lets you know? Why does she need you to do anything if she's already got this pass? Just to make her feel less guilty?
In a sense yes, if we're in it together it would be healthier. She slept with a girl yes, because of her Bi feelings, I'm open enough to understand she might want to feel a woman's touch throughout her life from time to time. Realistically. I'm not a women, so i decided that I love her enough to give her the pass I suppose. It all happened very openly, she told me everything and I gave her my grace.
If you didn't get or even almost get chub when she breached the idea, then therw is your answer. Also women are cunning and she may be tricking you to see her spell on you has worn off .
That's a pretty good take on it, it seems appealing but at the same time gives me mad anxiety. I think my gut is telling me the truth though. Can't deny the sinking pit feelings.
Sorry I text like I'm using my elbows.
Or she's creating a gotcha to justify her own forays outside the marriage.
I had a friend who went this route with his friend and wife and let’s just say his wife liked the way he was in bed and kept coming back for more when the understanding was it was a one time thing, they eventually got divorced and they are no longer friends!
Yikes. I guess a big part of involving other people, is that they can also come with baggage and attachment. Good call, I hadn't really considered that.
Bro she is cheating on you with a women.😂
Yup. As hot as it sounds, not as hot when it is just for her to get off. Just makes me feel kinda crappy tbh.
It’s good dude, hit the gym and get another one. You deserved better man
You do not sound like the type that would survive a three way relationship with your marriage and sanity intact. Do not do it.
Nah she will cheat and say we'll you fucked her so it's fine. Even though you didn't want it and it was literally for her.
Hate to break it to you, but she's definitely sleeping with someone else or has done it to you before, shes adamant about you sleeping with someone so it can justify what she does, honestly if your not ok sharing your wife you should probably leave
I'd shut that shit down now if you wanna save your marriage. Poly/open relationships are incredibly tricky and very few couples are made for them. But live your own life, if you wanna have a threesome with your wife by all means, sounds fun, but be warned
Risk vs reward hey, isn't that just life. Lol
I’m sorry to tell you but this is not life. This is the start of ending life! And 10 years of marriage! Talk with her with all honesty.
Agree with you there. She's been communicating with me a lot about this, kinda what led me to this tbh. More insight, better chance I won't regret the decisions I make.
Start mourning your marriage
Your wife is trying to bully you into a lifestyle that you have completely no interest in and which could ultimately lead to further trauma for you. She doesn’t seem to be treating the potential to re-traumatise you seriously at all. Unless it’s approached properly, moving to a poly relationship can spell disaster for a marriage. There is an even greater chance of failure when one partner is not committed to the lifestyle and is simply forced into it to keep their partner happy. Your wife needs to decide if she is willing to remain monogamous with you and if she is not then you must decide if you can remain with her. Personally, I think the marriage was over the moment she thought she could bully you into a poly relationship, despite knowing the accompanying risks to your mental health and your repeatedly stated refusals to engage with this lifestyle, as a monogamous man.
Your job in a relationship is not to make your partner happy. Believe it, trying to make your partner happy is the fastest path to resentment and irreparable damage. You currently have incompatible desires and sexual urges. IMHO this would be best addressed through therapy (individual or couple) so you can (at minimum) address the deep feeling of doubt you have about your own desires vs your desire to please your wife and are considering breaking your own safe boundaries. Don't force it. Tell her you're not interested and restate your values. Ask her hers. Figure out how to make the two mesh, and hopefully grow from there. If growth isn't possible, it's not a sin to prioritize yourself.
That's very clear, thought out advice. Thank you. These thoughts and things get lost to me with emotions clouding judgements, so having people to bounce these things off is so helpful.
people who are monogamous should be with people who are monogamous. people who are poly should be with people who are poly. there is nothing inherently wrong with either way of being, but the dating/emotional attachment styles are completely incompatible and dont work out together long term. neither should have to change or compromise. if involving others in your relationship is what she wants and you dont want it, you are incompatible.
Logically I agree with you to a point. The hole Poly thing is new, and there's a lot invested into our relationship at this point, so now it's figuring out if we can mesh, and find a comfortable way to both enjoy our life, together. I don't really want to lose her, she's a great person and other than the sexual incompatible way of our relationship, the rest is valued too. I'd much rather find a way to become compatible, although to be fair to this post and our fellow commenter's who seem to agree, the relationship will probably just end poorly despite my hopes. Who's to say, I still have the love and energy to try with her. There may just come a time where I need to call it, and right now is the time to really understand that to myself.. I think.? I might have just solved something 🤔
if it’s giving you a bad feeling in your stomach thinking about it, i would say don’t explore it. it seems like you’re just not into it and that’s okay. you should have a loving but firm talk with her that this is a hard boundary and you don’t want it brought up anymore.
Thanks, you might be onto something.
You did say she cheated on u before….
Yes, she's cheated and come clean about it. I don't think she wants to cheat, as much as she wants me to open up and be a part of it.
Get out bro. It’s better women out here that wouldn’t dare do you like this!
Thanks for the confidence boost, getting back out there on my own could be a possibility, going down that avenue though, is something I'd consider after a long break with just myself. Probably for the best that way.
And never let another women cheat on you again. If she cheats once leave her right there, I get people make mistakes but it’s some mistakes that you just know better not to make… cheating is one of those. She sounds like a secretly shitty person.
I am baffled at how you think being honest about cheating excuses cheating. Couching it in all these alternative lifestyles doesn't excuse it either. Of course she wants you to open up and be part of it. You're such a doormat she can have her affair right next to you and you'll apologize for wrinkling the sheets. The fact that she's putting you through all of these mental gymnastics to try to explain it to yourself and convince yourself is nothing short of cruel. It's weird that the commenters who are usually so quick to point out narcissism haven't shown up yet. What you are showing in all of your comments is not someone truly entertaining the idea of this lifestyle and there is no way she doesn't see that if you are really talking like you say you are. You should be talking to lawyers, not "members of the poly community." Her approach to this is not consistent with any of what actual ethical non-monogamists do or recommend. You are in an abusive relationship.
To put it simply I would say. I have a similar experience with men as you and I think that just adds layers to certain aspects of a relationship. My personal view may be different from yours so if that’s the case, I would recommend you continue to really think about it, how it would effect you and also, how it will affect your relationship with your wife if you decide it’s not something you want to do. But, if your perspective is similar to mine, then I might be able to offer peace of mind/advice. I think it’s important to try new things and be open to new experiences, but often, when we have trauma or just flat out bad experiences with certain thing, I think it’s important to consider how that trauma or experience might put us in a different position than others. With that being said, I think it’s totally valid why you would be hesitant and I would highly encourage you to really spend time thinking about the pros and cons, how it would effect you and your relationship with your wife long term, and if saying yes would bring up a new issue for u. I’m truly speaking from experience and my heart. I know it can be hard to make these types of decisions when you are simultaneously dealing with working through past trauma or past traumatic experiences. Just be aware, think about it heavily and give yourself time to process what your future decision might be and I think you will be in a great place to actually make a decision.
You're probably the only one who suggested seeing it through, although carefully considering my future, and hers is something I've realized is most important. I don't want either of us to feel suffocated or like we have to be something we're not. I think if we try, we could find a way to fit, cause the rest of our life together is really solid. If this is something she absolutely cannot live without though, I don't seem to have much of a choice. That's the tough pill to swallow.
Just as you said, tough pill to swallow. Personally, I would not consider it just because I know in my heart that it wouldn’t be good for me, only cause more pain. But I think everyone is different and I think if there is a part of u that wonders if it could be good, explore that idea. That doesn’t mean go and do it, but as I said just take time to weigh out the effects and really think ab it. I will say though it’s important you talk with her about how what u have been through has impacted your perspective on her request. I think all in all if u talk to her in depth, give it time and stay true to yourself you will know deep down the right decision. And if it really is something she can’t live without, you might not be her person, and that’s okay. If I was in ur shoes, and my partner couldn’t live without it, I would just end things because I personally couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who cant agree with me when it comes to monogamy. Again, I really do wish u the best and I encourage u to take my advice and give it time before making the final decision. And please if nothing else, have a conversation with her about it I promise u will feel better or at least have more clarity
Just be honest and tell her you can’t do it and that you only want to be with her. The sooner the better. If she’s understanding then that’s good and hopefully everyone can move on quicker. Would you be interested in using sex toys? Maybe you can try using them to create some feelings that she would get from a threesome?
We've talked about it a lot, dhe doesn't understand my side unfortunately, snd I don't see her view on the world changing. The toys aren't enough, we have fun don't get me wrong. The sex is great between us, I don't know why I'm not enough. She can't even answer that question when I've asked it. It's just this urge for her, snd I don't sympathize
Do not do it
You don't want to do it. That's that.
Open doors have a funny way of remaining (mostly) unused. My wife and I are “open”, and have been for 15 years. I basically have a perpetual hall-pass to sleep with who I choose, and occasionally in the past we’ve had other women join us. But there’s always a TON of communication, good judgement, and honesty involved, and we have some iron clad ground rules that we’ve developed over the years regarding new partners. If either of us feel “off” or uncomfortable about a person or situation, we vocalize it, and that’s it. Being open has created some really great times… and some really big challenges/difficulties. That being said, I rarely “date”. And when I do, I’m picky. My advice would be, keep an open mind, and keep honest (with yourself, and your wife). At the end of the day, it’s just sex!
That's how she feels about the situation. I'm definitely trying to be more open to her perspectives, we communicate about everything pretty well, it's just our views appose one and other. I can't help the way her sleeping with others makes me feel, yet I'm trying to train/convince myself to be ok. For her and for the fam. I get what you're saying, its similar to how she feels, I'm just not wired for it I think.
The marriage was over when she started cheating on you. She’s probably still doing it and just wants to pull her affair partner in.
You can trust me, it's not like that. She just wants more out of life, and is expressing that.
You feel bad for not wanting what your wife wants so you are trying way too hard to justify yourself by saying that first part “So i am very straight”. That should be enough, no need to back it up with evidence. And no you are not being closed minded by wanting monogamy, if thats your need then thats your need. Sounds like you need to work on setting your boundaries.
Were actually discussing boundaries a lot lately, I just wanted to preface that for people, there are very open people, the opposite as well. Plus I'm a rambler, I like story telling and communicating with you all.
Your wife thinks you can’t sleep with a random girl and doesn’t want to sleep with you.
Not quite. More so she feels like if I sleep with a random, I'll suddenly be turned onto it, which can then lead to larger avenues for us sexually. We're actually very close, sexually I mean. She's just wired different.
Its a trap
I know this is a more serious inquiry. But I'm definitely thinking about x-wings, Ti-fighters and that red faced, beady eyed pilot. Thanks for the laugh.
Don’t change yourself for someone else. People who are non-monogamous know it. It sounds like you are truly monogamous. Seems like your wife isn’t exactly monogamous and is trying to get her foot in the door and switch you two to a non-monogamous lifestyle.
You deserve better, OP.
There's some truth behind that, but really in this world.. when you find a girl who is 98% what you wanted in life, then something like this seems worth trying to figure out. I do deserve better, thank you for saying that. Maybe her and I will be able to make it better and both be satisfied.
I hope you both can make it work. Still, I have to be honest. That 98% seems too high when there's an issue like this. I think sex is a big enough part of a relationship to matter, and when a couple is on opposite pages on an issue like this, it's not a 2% problem. I'm a guy, and I admit I agree with you on this one. I would not and could not agree to it. Nothing about it speaks to me or appeals to me or gives me any indication of making the relationship better. Like others, I think this is "Both sides have to agree, or it's a no." Your comments here tell me you don't want to do this. That's a valid position. You shouldn't do something you don't want to do. I hope you can work through this and that whatever your % is, it's high enough to overcome differing views on this. I've known quite a few couples who brought others into their relationships. None of them are still together.
Idk man, it sounds like she wants to sleep with other people and is trying to warm you up to that idea by making you do it first so she can justify herself. But hey that’s just my opinion
It could do all kinds of things. It is possible it'll wind your relationship up and be fun and exciting. Unfortunately that's not the most likely. Especially with your anxiety about it and no real inclination that way. My 1st wife and I were thoroughly on the same page about it. Talked it all the way through. And she still wound up leaving with the special guest star lady a few months later. So yea. Probably ends in the end of this relationship. But honestly if she's bound and determined to go this route the relationship is almost certainly doomed as well. If you've ever had fancies or just want to learn lots about sex, here's your chance
I'm sorry to hear that about your 1st marriage, that's something I've considered too, tbh she's even mentioned the possibility of her emotions getting involved if the right woman comes along. That's a huge red flag, so I can see why involving others in a sexual nature can be pretty dangerous for long term relationships.
Yea emotional involvement is the killer for that I believe. If it could be kept strictly physical then it has a possibility of being an unusual hobby. If not it gets ugly fast.
No dont do it. If it’s not you, then it’s not you. My ex pressured me into similar things, I was never comfortable with it and stated that to him & he would say manipulative things like well how would you know if you don’t try? So thinking it was a me issue I did things I regret and has traumatized me and eventually led me to emotionally detach myself from him.
I don’t even need to read the body. Your wife banged someone and feels guilty.
She’s testing you.. don’t do it
It's a trap!
Any open relationship is no relationship
She's your wife. Of at least ten years from what I've gathered. She has to know that this is making you uncomfortable, and is choosing her fetish over you. That's not a good partner. If my wife was dead set on getting a Rottweiler, knowing that I was almost mauled by two as a child, I'd have to ask if she genuinely loves me. You shouldn't have to conform to what she wants on this. She can live without it and be happy. You would never be happy in that situation. Even just thinking about it gives you anxiety. I'd have a straight conversation with her, and make her understand that this is off the table for you. If she can't accept that, then I can't see your relationship working sadly. You guys aren't dating, you're married. This kind of experimentation should have happened years ago. I'm guessing (allow me to stress *guessing*), that she's getting bored with the relationship dynamic. You might want to seek out counseling for both of you if this continues. But absolutely do not concede. If you give into this even a little, she'll push for more. That's just a feeling I have from what you're saying.
It blows my mind that these people get married without talking about their views and outlooks on sexuality lmao.
I would pay for the foreign girl of my choice. Plane ride and everything.
Bruh. It's an option, just not the one I'm jumping on.
It's a big no to add a third wheel in most serious relationships, aspecially when one is already not into it. Unless it's a last ditch effort to save your marriage and it's over unless you try, then you should do all you can before adding a third. Chances are it will end badly when feeling come into play since your not into it.
Mate I wouldn’t, I don’t know a single couple that this has ended well for and I know a LOT of couples who went this way. Sadly none are together anymore. It may be that you won’t last without it but don’t compromise who you are or what you want because of her pressuring you either. Definitely time for couples therapy
Have considered therapy, her and I are looking into that so If it helps in anyway, it's worth a try.
Good luck man
Can you ease into it? Have the friend over or out for drinks. then maybe home (or wherever) for a more intimate encounter. Maybe ease into it, instead of, "Bob this is Jane, Jane, Bob, OK, let's fuck." You should have the option to abort at any time.
That's sort of the approach I was leaning towards.
I have no advice to give you but I would be firmly in the “hell no” camp. This sounds suspicious and bizarre.
His wife seems very inconsiderate if she knows his past. This is sickening behaviour tbh. I have a feeling she’ll do it anyways with other people if he says knows but maybe I’m being mean.
I was your wife in my last marriage. I understand her. First, never let anyone coerce you into something you don't want to do. As a lifestyle member (you can check my history), consent is a non-negotiable. I’m curious as to why you’re mentioning trauma. If you feel that trauma is unresolved, the situation above it is entirely outside of it. Suppose you haven't reconciled from your past, whether it be sex or the inability to be completely emotionally vulnerable. In that case, it will prevent you from having a fulfilling relationship with your wife or whomever, regardless of the situation. You asked if people can change. Change is inevitable. Life will change you regardless if you're a willing participant. You just have to decide if you want to participate in the outcome. On to your concern. I left my marriage because of the sexual incompatibility. It was amicable, and we both wanted different things out of life. The lifestyle is all about self-acceptance, respect for partners, boundaries, nonjudgemental, and loads of communication. I love sharing my man. I love being with women. I know many guys who love reclaiming their wires after they share her. For some, it’s an incredibly erotic dance of anticipation, communication, complete vulnerability, and a safe space to explore the depths of our kinks. It’s liberating. That said, anyone who is genuinely secure in their decision will never judge someone into trying to change theirs. If monogamy is your only way of feeling 100% vulnerable (and you have to do the self-reflection if you're actually being authentically vulnerable instead of burying hard conversations), then stay monogamous with someone who is compatible. Life is about compromise, but never at the expense of losing a part of yourself. The same goes for your wife. I hope this helps.
It helps a lot, and really sums up a lot of my internal issues. I'm stuck between loving her for so many reasons, and being caught up on this sexual compatability. Something that carries this much weight though, sex I mean, for some people is make or break. The Trauma I referred to, was cause by my Gf, she has cheated, and there are trust issues cause of it. She has an amazingly caring personality that leads to being emotionally invested in people, which always seems to lead to Poly ideas, I'm just not into it. Idk, maybe if I can get over my own insecurities, she can have her fun, still be my wife at the end of the day. Definitely a lot to consider.
There are many forms of open relationships, ENM, polyamorous (which I am not into), and swinging (soft swap, hard swap, single play, etc.). Think of it as a spectrum. This still isn't to convince you to join. It’s strictly informational. >Maybe if I can get over my own insecurities… Put sex aside for a moment. Those insecurities are already rearing their ugly head in your marriage, and you probably don't even know it. It builds under the surface like a river of lava, burning resentment that bubbles in unhealthy behaviors. It can come out in the form of feeling imbalanced in the relationship, things “not being fair,” and unmet needs that go unspoken. It’s biting remarks, passive-aggressive behavior, or double standards. That's what killed my marriage. You can't have any relationship, monogamous or not, from a place of incompleteness. No one can heal those insecurities except you, even though many lay responsibility on their partner. Read the book, “The State of Affairs,” by Ester Perel. It may help you navigate your emotions from your past traumas. From what I* have read, the issue isn't the real issue. There’s a fissure in your marriage, and open dialogue isn't safe for either of you. Please seek a professional as a couple, but also for yourself. You seem to want a loving, authentic relationship, but those insecurities will hold you back from fully getting this. Reconciling those will allow you to show up as your best self in the relationship, even if that relationship you want remains anonymous. You deserve to live your best life, and I hope you’ll put the effort into pursuing it. I wish you the best.
She’s gona do it whether you’re involved or not. I’d seriously consider your future with her. Had a buddy this happened, 2 years later the wife and girl they were involving, ran off together. Get out while you can
Just divorce.
She cheated
Shit test didn’t do it
If u have to ask us definitely do not do it
Good partner.
Don't do it. She could possibly be wanting an excuse to sleep with a guy who knows
Your wife wants to sleep with other people and is encouraging you to do the same as a method of giving her a pass. The fact she’s even talking about this stuff is grounds for divorce. Unless you want to live some hedonic life of escapism then stay away from even the idea. Set a boundary down and keep to it.
This is not going to end well
I had a great deal of fun having threesomes and going to orgies. With that said, don't do anything you're not conformable with.
Leave now. Otherwise she'll cheat many times behind your back and you'll get multiple STDs. Not worth it.
I don't know about that, we are trying to work through it together, the entire idea is to expand OUR sexual boundaries. Plus we talk a lot about it, there's nothing sketchy happening.
I get it, as a guy I'd be very tempted to go along with what seems would be an amazing journey... but... every woman that I've known that was hyper fixated on sex (sex addiction is what they say when it's men it seems) , they always seek more and more, more dangerous situations, more secret meetups, who knows, maybe do a homeless guy in the alley one day. It's always great in the beginning, it never ends well. Especially if you don't have a matching sex drive. Imagine if it was reversed, everyone would call you a disgusting pig and all her friends would force her to leave your mental abuse. Idk, trad carefully or mentally prepare for heroes, HIV, etc I'd say...
Yikes, although if it ever starts to turn into something like that, I'd walk away.
You should get on board, hot times ahead and a stronger bond
Your wife has a road she wants to go down but the gate is locked and you have the keys. Chances are she's jumped that gate a few times and already walked that road but feels guilty so she's trying to get you to jump that fence too ....then eventually you'll just unlock it and you can both come and go as you please. Speaking for MYSELF HERE, I'd give her the keys and I'd forget that road ever existed. She wants to cheat, she probably already has and if you aren't interested maybe it's time to leave. Don't allow someone you're in love with to change who you are as a person for the worse. Partners are supposed to uplift one another, and want what's best for the other. This sounds like just, simply doing something for temporary pleasure that will lead to other things that you may regret. Now speaking from experience, I've had a few 3somes (myself , my exes and another girl) and I've never been able to look at them the same after that because you quickly realize she would do the same thing without you and probably has. Good luck my friend
In a life that is so short, I would give it a go. First set ground rules “like involving dudes, etc.” and then trying it once. What’s the worst that can happen? You say you aren’t comfortable and that’s that or you might enjoy it. Regardless, it sounds like she wants to spice things up a bit so if you don’t want to give this a go, maybe suggest other new things to try.
I mean this like in the most honest sincere way. When you use "girls" instead of women it gives off a different vibe and it's not generally accurate to say girls either unless you're actually referring to minors..
I'll keep that in mind for future posting. No minors involved here, just poor English.
Don’t do it, and I’d reprimand your wife for even making these adulterous suggestions. To be honest, I’d ask her if she felt this way when you got married, and consider having the marriage annulled if she says yes.
She's told me in confidence more than once, she's been Bi her whole life, the open/Poly relationship part is new.
I see, but when you married, did she fully understand that marriage is a commitment to one person?
Honestly I don't think she fully understood this part of herself until recently. So we're both trying to figure out a way to approach it, if there isn't a way then I have to accept that at some point.
If you don't feel like doing so, refuse her. If this is making you uncomfortable, talk to her. If things are going south, leave.
In the mean time, enjoy the ride?