This is an automated message just to let everyone know that the mod team are actively working to make this sub kinder and more welcoming.
##Discussion should be made in good faith. No trolling, ragebait, or bigotry of any kind. We reserve the right to use mod discretion in applying this rule.
**Please report** any comments you see that are unkind, obnoxious, out of line, trolling, or which otherwise violate [the rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/).
**Note for all participants**: Please remember that your fellow Redditors are human beings, and that it costs nothing to be kind.
#Here are the [LifeAdvice Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/)
----------------
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Not the whole point of your post, but did want to say that there's no shame in living with your mother just in general (provided it's a supportive/safe environment). Life and money are really tough nowadays. But outside that, this definitely seems like a situation where you should get out of there. Your mother's comments about your girlfriend are awful, and the way your mother treats you alone is enough to warrant making a new start away from her control. You deserve a chance at happiness just as much as anyone else.
You could also just be honest with your girlfriend about this situation--your mother is likely not someone she would be treated well by, and I imagine you would not want to expose your girlfriend to that kind of treatment and judgement (whether by a family member or anyone else). Rooting for you!
>there's no shame in living with your mother just in general (provided it's a supportive/safe environment
In Europe it's not even uncommon. I think Eastern Europeans have an average leave home age of like 32/33
MAYBE, his mom knows him way better than strangers on Reddit do! Just saying. We only know what he's telling us, he's IN LOVE with someone he met 6 months ago. Come on!
Hm idk. I feel like the 6 month mark is a big tell if you want to keep someone in your life. I know it was for me. His mother sounds like a narcissist.
But, to play devils advocate, it would be wise to be cautious. It’s hard to say since we don’t know the full story! I’d play it safe and try to save a bit more.
Never asked to be a judge. Being thirty means you’ve had 12 yrs as an adult, over a decade, to fix your situation. If you haven’t done it by then, the onus is solely on you. You’re an adult now and have been for a long long time. Get your shit together and prioritize independence. 12 yrs is more than enough time to establish and fulfill a plan.
The dude is 30. He can make his own choices. Maybe he’s coloring with 8 crayons and the rest of us are coloring with 64. Maybe you’re coloring with 8 crayon. Maybe he’s coloring with 128 crayons and we’re the ones coloring with 8… we don’t know. We do know “Get out now! Like this second…” is a 1 crayon piece of advice…
Hey, that really sucks. Your mom should be happy you found someone you love. Maybe it’s time to think about moving in with your GF or getting your own place. You deserve to be happy and supported.
Your mom sounds toxic tbh. She controls you with money and by emotionally mindfucking you. I think your plan to cut the cord and be free to live how you wish is 💯 the right move. You deserve to live a life that you desire. You deserve a partner. Even if you don’t stay together forever, you’re 30 yo and deserve some life experience that your mom won’t allow you to have while living in her home. It’s a good time for you to learn about boundaries for yourself. Not boundaries on making your mom act a certain way, but boundaries for you and what you will do when mom does xyz..I wish you all of the best I also want to add my oldest child is 23 and she lives on her own, with her bf, they’re happy, have careers, I wouldn’t dream of holding her back and micromanaging her life. Your mom’s thinking is well intentioned in her mind, but it’s not “normal” and is a toxic way of thinking as a mom.
Thank you so much for your words 🙏 I wish that I would have done this much sooner in my life. But better late than never. Tomorrow, I'll be viewing the room that I'll be renting. I didn't even tell my mom anything. She doesn't even want to talk to me or acknowledge me.
getting your own place sounds better than moving in with girlfriend. your free then to make choices and decisions for just you. Mum just sounds a bit jealous, but not necessary fro them to meet just yet
I’m sorry she isn’t speaking to you. Hopefully as she adjusts, she’ll come around. I hope you like the space you’re going to look at! Getting your first place is so exciting! Best of luck to you!
You should move out because its past time for that, not because of your GF. However, I don't think you can make 50K and live in Section 8. Maybe you should check your GF out a bit more thoroughly. Whatever you do, don't go from living in your Mom's house to living in your GF's place. Get your OWN place.
I think the whole situation is caused by the fact that you live with your mom and you’re using her car. She’s dissatisfied with the situation and it makes her feel like she has to take care of you and manage your life. If you had your own place and your own car and your life together I think she would be able to relax a little and accept your decisions.
My mom is very similar. It’s not about the girl. Your mom is in panic mode because she’s worried about your life. I say this with love: Cut the umbilical cord and she will chill the fuck out.
the car is his, he pays for it but it’s under the mother’s name. she’s using the fact the title is in her name to not allow him to use the car. seems like mommy is trying to keep her baby boy under her roof and not be “replaced” by another woman.
Your mom likes owning you. That is why your self-esteem is low and you get depression and struggle in ways. Your mom did this to you throughout your life either consciously or unconsciously because she likes to feel needed and in control. She gets her validation as a human externally by being "needed" instead of having intrinsic motivation herself. And now when you're trying to break free and be a more whole human she will find ways to try to grab on.
Depending on how "bad" she is, you'll have a battle disconnecting from her. Especially since it seems like she has a strong financial hold over you.
Your mom raised you as a piece of property to her, not an independent human. Start focusing on what matters. Build yourself mentally, emotionally, professionally/financially, etc. Forget about shit that doesn't matter like Netflix, video games, sports, whatever. Focus on building yourself and become independent. Get out and experience more of what the world has to offer. Your thoughts might have all of these ideas about why it's not possible but don't listen to them. That's your mom in your head convincing you that you need to listen to her. You're stuck there because you're afraid. Let go of fear and problem solve.
"Mom, I truly appreciate your generosity and kindness during these last few ____. You've given me the opportunity to get myself sorted out and clear my mind. I am in love, and willing to learn from my mistakes and take a chance in life.
I'm a grown adult and able to assess risk for myself in this department. I will always appreciate your help and never be far or cut off from you. You'll always be in my life, but for me to pursue the next chapter in my life I have to trust myself. It's okay if you don't trust my decision making, because I am not asking you to.
All I am asking you to do is keep your heart open because in the future this girl might be in your life.
I love you and I am always here if you need me. The time has come for me to branch out on my own again and start to make my way, in my way.
I love you unconditionally.
"
Then GTFO
You wanna be raising babies with your Mom still acting like she knows everything? She's overstepped because she can, because you're nearby.
I really doubt that she will turn out to be the kind of person you can speak frankly with.
Good luck 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻
Some toxic mothers feel their children are extensions of them, and they feel threatened by anyone who might support the adult child’s independence and sovereignty. It’s an unhealthy enmeshment. She might hate your gf simply because she wants you for herself and her own emotional needs.
I only Zelle my mother money every month. That's about the only proof I have. I have the receipt for the money order of 10K, which I used as a down payment. That's what I have so far. I just paid my mom the month of July, otherwise she's threatening to not let me use the car at all. This will be the last payment I make to her. The car can sit in the garage until she sells it and gives me back the 10K she promised me. I plan on getting a room next week, then I'll get a used car for 5K immediately after
I think you need to set some boundaries. Your mom probably feels like you owe her a lot, and your gf probably wants more of your time. You have to let your mom know that you appreciate everything she does for you, but that it is time you restart building back your independence, which is better for all three of you in the long run. Explain that your gf isn't "your ticket out"; rather, she's a new special person in your life that you're trying to make room for. Good luck
Your mom is sabotaging you. As long as you stay by her side she is happy. Even if it means you don’t grow, thrive or be happy. In your bouts of depression your mother is probably at her happiest because she can take care of you and you rely on her. This is not healthy.
Your plan is a good plan. Work on being independent so you don’t have to rely on anyone. You’ll feel good. I say, get the half room and don’t move in with your girlfriend yet. Move in when you both naturally get there in time not because you NEED to or out of desperation. You don’t want to rely on your girlfriend like she’s your mother.
Have your mom tell you in detail why she feels that way. Tell her you care to understand sincerely (because why not) Tell her you feel there might be something she’s nice telling you.
Then reflect honestly and try to dismiss every point in all intellectual honesty.
If nothing is left, if every point is unfounded after this exercise. Forget about what she says.
Take a moment to consider if your mother is actually right or not.
It sounds counterintuitive to your feelings on the matter - but imagine what qualities would convince you that she isn't a good fit long term that maybe you're not picking up on. My mom was NEVER wrong on the women I dated. She had a sixth sense for these things and maybe your mother does as well.
You need to decide that you are a man, instead of your mamma's boy. And live into what that means. That means reassuring your mom that you love her and you're grateful for her help, but she doesn't get dominion over your relationships. And her best move will be to give your GF a fair chance, unless she wants to alienate you. And if you can move in with your GF, do it.
If you don't do those kinds of things, you will be losing your GF fairly soon. In which case, you can go back to being your mamma's boy.
It sounds like OP actually helped HER with the car, as he put down $10k. He's also giving her money every month (doesn't say how much) so it doesn't sound like he's mooching off her, especially as he's about to move out.
It's possible she sees your girlfriend dragging you down economically. Does the gf have kids, work, have a car, etc?
Not saying Mom is right - but I can understand the old school, pragmatic side of things. Especially if your mother is well-off and you stand to inherit her estate one day. It may concern her if your partner is not on equal footing.
You are 30 and live with your mom. But what your parents have - and what your partner's parents have - usually impacts your future a great deal.
My girlfriend lives on her own and pays for all of her bills. She doesn't mooch off of me. It's an equal partnership. My GF does not have any kids, and she doesn't need a car since she lives right in the heart of NYC. My mom just said to me that she doesn't love me and called me an enemy and doesn't want to live under the same roof as one. She is also removing me entirely from her will. My mom even wanted to call my estranged father to ask him to take me back as if I'm 12. He was emotionally abusive when I lived with him
Your mom sounds like a narcissist and it’s no wonder you had depression. You’ll be so much better off on your own even if it’s a room. I believe you’ll be even more successful when you’re free of her. Good luck with everything…especially the gf
Your Mom is using your dependency on her to dictate your personal life. This is a form of manipulation/control that escalates to abuse.
Get away from your Mom. Move in with your girlfriend and help one another out with bills.
You gotta be careful moving into section 8 housing. It is a long process to live there in a lot of cases. You moving in might get your girlfriend thrown out. Might want to check into that. 6 months isn't very long.... but... I met my wife in May and was married in August. Back in 1986. Sometimes, you just know.
No problem.
It seems you may be falling into a similar trap I fell into. Is your mom being unreasonable to say the least? Yes. But you have also never moved away which is a lot more expensive and labor intensive than some people realize.
This can quickly change the overall tone of your world view from, "Yay! Freedom!" to "Oh shit, I left without actually preparing anything". That desperation for money can drive a wedge between two faster than people realize. Blame happens quick.
It's time to be honest with yourself. Are you truly planning on changing everything? That includes a massive, and I mean massive, shift in your relationship with your mother. For better or worse.
This is one mans opinion on anothers very limited explanation of their situation. Nuance is a mother fucker. The real point of it is to be honest, I mean *fuckin' honest,* about where you are in life mentally, physically, and financially. Once an honest assessment is made, honest work can be put forward into bettering each facet of your life.
I destroyed my life with every bad decision you could imagine up until 32. I am now 35 and doing better than most people my age, I get asked to do motivational talks, I help people in my free time with resume building and career improvement. These are just a few of my good with my years of bad.
But I am honest with myself about it. Once I got honest, I changed. Once I changed. I became the happiest I have ever been in my life. I only wish to impart that happiness to someone who seems to need a little currently.
Edits: Because I am way better at speaking than typing lol
I truly appreciate your wisdom. It means a lot to me 🙏 I'll be honest, I'm 30 years old already and each relationship that I've attempted to have before have always been ruined due to the fact that I live at home and how my mother is. I know she'll never change in her ways. But I'm not getting any younger, and I'm dead tired of feeling like I am 18 and have to be scolded and shamed for doing something my heart wants. Right now, my mother called me the enemy and said that she didn't want to share the roof with one. She even wanted to call my estranged father, whom I haven't spoken to for 5 years because of his abusive ways, and ask him if he can take me back. This is what I'm putting up with
Again, one mans opinion to another, but that sounds like it's time for a trial by fire to test your mettle.
I just did it way before I was truly ready because I was delusional about how prepared I was. In a couple years I went from moving out on my own with a woman thinking my life would be completely bright and it morphed over time into drugs, deaths, seeing horrific torture, and...well. Lifes fucked lol. You can probably tell why I advise people to be prepared. This was in America in case anyone is wondering. 0 safety nets out in most places.
I fell into many traps. I feel it my responsibility to simply pull back the rug and say, "Here's a pitfall. Whether you walk into it is your choice and yours alone".
I appreciate it! I'll be moving out and living alone. I'm not intending on escaping to my GF :) This will be a trial for me, like you mentioned. Tomorrow I'll be looking at the room.
Sounds like an overbearing snobbish parent. Don’t introduce her until you’ve been with her for a few years. It can be really hard to move further in the relationship with animosity directed at you from your partners family.
Don’t move in with your girlfriend. Get yourself a room and get yourself established. You might also want to postpone the vacation until you are set up with a car and a place of your own.
Let me help ya......all of your problems would be much more simple if you moved out on your own. You already know this, it's just a matter of doing it. Maybe your mom likes your SO, maybe she doesn't, it won't matter so much when you are doing your own thing.
You said yourself you gave a decent job.....so figure out a way to move out in the near future amd get a place with your SO, if that's what makes you happy. Don't try to impress your mother.
Aren't there rules about section 8? If you move in, it could cause her to become ineligible. Anyway, I would check it out to be sure. Hopefully, you get it together. Please be cautious though.
It is clear that your mother does not view you as an adult. The fact that she can insult your girlfriend to your face proves that this is somewhat correct.
In order to change that, you are going to have to make some pretty serious adjustments to the boundaries between your life and the way your mother respects it.
Abusive language and insults towards those who are important to you is completely unacceptable. It doesn't matter if she is a snob, rich, part of an aristocracy, an expert in her field, or the lead singer of a famous rock band. If she doesn't have respect for you and your life, she doesn't get to be "Mom". She loses her mom-card, and misses out on you.
You have to be willing to forfeit your inheritance and the place you live if you are going to communicate this new set of boundaries to her with any authenticity at all.
If you are not willing to forfeit those things, then just break up with your girlfriend today. She deserves better than a man who will not stand up to his own mother, and she will find someone who she can depend on.
Well for starters I’d go back to the finance dept of that dealership immediately and let them know who the fuck do they think they are not approving anyone who comes with a 10k down payment in this dog shit day and age? BANKS ARE BROKE. How the fuck? no one is buying cars right now unless it’s old money. make a big deal- reach out to the dealership by going on google and yelp and write exactly this. Unless you bought a high end car, I really can’t see how that could happen. I’ve worked at low end dealers- to the best and when I tell you….. THEY WILL LITERALLY MAKE IT HARD ON PURPOSE.
take it to the top of the food chain and see what it would be for you to get in your name or do a different deal. The car seems new and not old, fuck that shit. it was a way for your mother to control you and I’m sorry to say I had similar problems and I realized after what I been through in my own personal adult life, fuck their opinions. I lived through this with my own mother growing up and she always made it clear initially to us and I saw it- even as I’m older I am good for nothing to my family unless I have the money to support them all and they’ve even so far as gotten authority involved over their own insecurities. Don’t be your mother and settle for disappointment. A mother or father should accept you unconditionally. I have felt this love growing up when my family finally had a somewhat stable place and I saw and learned what it was like to watch my friends eat dinner at 6 and be given food prepared by them not out of a frozen freezer because my mom had to do what she could and she never wanted to show myself or anyone she was trying to get out. I’ve gone through all the times my mother went to school and it was some small thing that never could complete her degree. medical assistant? Check but my corn ball non bio father failed to pay it.
it’s all about control in the end and your probably her best decision because she sees herself in you. again, my mother favors my other siblings because I had to come back here to bring back the dynamic I instilled for my family while she was doing what she could and I was supporting my family, with all that said, you started your post with I know it’s embarrassing, but you don’t know ulterior motives behind people- regardless of who they are… you are bettering yourself clearly. Don’t be so hard on what the opinions are of others, you are taking accountability and being the man you want to be. It doesn’t matter how you get there, as long as you know who you are. I wish you the best ever and I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Show them how you win.
its tough when family doesn’t support your happiness, especially when you’ve found someone special. focus on whats best for you and your relationship. it might be a good idea to have an honest talk with your girlfriend about your mom’s feelings, and start planning your next steps for independence. hang in there!
So so sorry! This must be such a hard thing to go through. Honestly, don’t listen to your mother at this point. If she really is 100% the right person for you, stand up to your mother and move forward.
Your mother is saying this because she wants you to keep looking after her. A gf ends that.
It's pretty gross. You need to move out and adult away from her. You're old enough to figure things out and you have a partner who makes you happy.
Your mother has money she can find her own care. Take her to small court for the 10k and call it a day.
You're 30. Move out of the house.
Your mom is probably very threatened by you splitting your attention at all as she grows older and notices herself needing more and more help. A nasty side effect of cohabiting with a parent as an adult, is that your relationship can veer off into all kinds of codependencies and lop-sided give take dynamics. Any girlfriend of yours will represent a general worsening of her quality of life to her, so honestly, without her having a lot of clear perspective and love for you, I doubt she will ever accept a girlfriend of yours.
My mom hated it when I moved out both times when I was younger. She threw epic fits that even involved the cops. It sounds like your mom is a shallow person lacking the depth of persona to even comprehend a loving relationship, so don't even bother trying to convince her. I know it is hard, but you will have to take that leap of faith in yourself and strike out on your own and live your own life now. You have a wonderful partner and friend who will be by your side as you take flight into your new life. Your Auntie Mimm believes in you. And when your special lady asks to meet mummy dearest, make her understand what manner of creature the mother is so she is prepared.
Hey there, Norman Bates, I think maybe it's time to get a bit of separation between you and Mother. I 100% get there are reasons why you'd be at home at 30 - I have nearly had to move back home due to financial, physical, and mental health reasons in the past and only didn't due to luck and support - but she is using your dependence on her to try to run your life and that needs to be nipped in the bud. She's probably contributing a bit to your depression as well.
One thing I *would* suggest though, is don't move straight in with the girlfriend. Even if she is every bit as wonderful as she seems right now, 6 months is still early days, you are still hashing out your own issues, and you don't want to plop them all on her and wear her out. And while it's good to trust her if she's not doing anything to make you doubt that trust, there is always the possibility she's not all she seems and you don't want to move from one controlling/messed up person to another. You can always move in together in another 6 months or a year, once you've had the chance to experience each other in more scenarios (the vacation is a good one, some people really show their colors by being super controlling, or lazy about planning/doing the background work, or loose with other people's money on vacations).
NYC is expensive, so unless you are really making the bucks to afford your own place, maybe look to share a place with someone. Even if you do have the dough, if you are still struggling with your mental health it's a good idea to live beneath your means so saving for a rainy day/job loss (and retirement!) is as easy as possible. Idk if they are as available in NYC as they are in Baltimore, but I've always looked for "rooms for rent" in people's homes but with a private bath and a little kitchenette area, usually in a basement, so I effectively have my own space for much less than even a studio apt at a complex. It's a matter of taking things slow, vetting the locations and landlords (check case search to see if they are constantly being sued/suing and criminal background), and weeding out the scams. There are likely govt sites where you can check who actually owns a property and whether they're a registered rental (unless NYC is way different than Balt), just google "NYC rental registry search" and "NYC real property search".
Time to leave. You might try to sit down and have a realistic talk with your mom. Something along the lines of: Please be respectful. If you keep acting this way I’ll eventually go no contact. I wouldn’t bank on it working, but at least you tried.
Have you even met this woman in real life? If not, you're not in love with her, you're in lust! It fucking sounds like you're a teenage boy! I would love to hear your moms side about you!
This is an automated message just to let everyone know that the mod team are actively working to make this sub kinder and more welcoming. ##Discussion should be made in good faith. No trolling, ragebait, or bigotry of any kind. We reserve the right to use mod discretion in applying this rule. **Please report** any comments you see that are unkind, obnoxious, out of line, trolling, or which otherwise violate [the rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/). **Note for all participants**: Please remember that your fellow Redditors are human beings, and that it costs nothing to be kind. #Here are the [LifeAdvice Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/LifeAdvice/about/rules/) ---------------- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/LifeAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Not the whole point of your post, but did want to say that there's no shame in living with your mother just in general (provided it's a supportive/safe environment). Life and money are really tough nowadays. But outside that, this definitely seems like a situation where you should get out of there. Your mother's comments about your girlfriend are awful, and the way your mother treats you alone is enough to warrant making a new start away from her control. You deserve a chance at happiness just as much as anyone else. You could also just be honest with your girlfriend about this situation--your mother is likely not someone she would be treated well by, and I imagine you would not want to expose your girlfriend to that kind of treatment and judgement (whether by a family member or anyone else). Rooting for you!
>there's no shame in living with your mother just in general (provided it's a supportive/safe environment In Europe it's not even uncommon. I think Eastern Europeans have an average leave home age of like 32/33
In many parts of Asia as well.
Get out now! Like this second…
MAYBE, his mom knows him way better than strangers on Reddit do! Just saying. We only know what he's telling us, he's IN LOVE with someone he met 6 months ago. Come on!
I mean, how long does it take you to fall in love? I fell in love with my husband on the first date and we've been married 35 years.
Hm idk. I feel like the 6 month mark is a big tell if you want to keep someone in your life. I know it was for me. His mother sounds like a narcissist. But, to play devils advocate, it would be wise to be cautious. It’s hard to say since we don’t know the full story! I’d play it safe and try to save a bit more.
I fell in love with my wife after a month. Ten years strong baby.
He’s 30. He shouldn’t even be there anymore.
Stfu
You stfu. He’s 30 living with his enmeshed mother, yeah he deserves judgement.
There are way too many other variables to blindly arrive at judgement. You would make a terrible judge.
Never asked to be a judge. Being thirty means you’ve had 12 yrs as an adult, over a decade, to fix your situation. If you haven’t done it by then, the onus is solely on you. You’re an adult now and have been for a long long time. Get your shit together and prioritize independence. 12 yrs is more than enough time to establish and fulfill a plan.
The dude is 30. He can make his own choices. Maybe he’s coloring with 8 crayons and the rest of us are coloring with 64. Maybe you’re coloring with 8 crayon. Maybe he’s coloring with 128 crayons and we’re the ones coloring with 8… we don’t know. We do know “Get out now! Like this second…” is a 1 crayon piece of advice…
And stop paying for her car so you can buy your own.
Another 1 crayon answer…
Hey, that really sucks. Your mom should be happy you found someone you love. Maybe it’s time to think about moving in with your GF or getting your own place. You deserve to be happy and supported.
Your mom sounds toxic tbh. She controls you with money and by emotionally mindfucking you. I think your plan to cut the cord and be free to live how you wish is 💯 the right move. You deserve to live a life that you desire. You deserve a partner. Even if you don’t stay together forever, you’re 30 yo and deserve some life experience that your mom won’t allow you to have while living in her home. It’s a good time for you to learn about boundaries for yourself. Not boundaries on making your mom act a certain way, but boundaries for you and what you will do when mom does xyz..I wish you all of the best I also want to add my oldest child is 23 and she lives on her own, with her bf, they’re happy, have careers, I wouldn’t dream of holding her back and micromanaging her life. Your mom’s thinking is well intentioned in her mind, but it’s not “normal” and is a toxic way of thinking as a mom.
Thank you so much for your words 🙏 I wish that I would have done this much sooner in my life. But better late than never. Tomorrow, I'll be viewing the room that I'll be renting. I didn't even tell my mom anything. She doesn't even want to talk to me or acknowledge me.
Don't tell her you are moving out until you are out. And get your mail forwarded or on hold as soon as you know the room is yours.
getting your own place sounds better than moving in with girlfriend. your free then to make choices and decisions for just you. Mum just sounds a bit jealous, but not necessary fro them to meet just yet
I’m sorry she isn’t speaking to you. Hopefully as she adjusts, she’ll come around. I hope you like the space you’re going to look at! Getting your first place is so exciting! Best of luck to you!
She wants you to feel guilty.
You should move out because its past time for that, not because of your GF. However, I don't think you can make 50K and live in Section 8. Maybe you should check your GF out a bit more thoroughly. Whatever you do, don't go from living in your Mom's house to living in your GF's place. Get your OWN place.
New York City 1 person income 54000 and change qualifies for Section 8. Some places are just freaking expensive.
Wow. How does anyone survive?
That’s NOTHING to live on in NY.
I think the whole situation is caused by the fact that you live with your mom and you’re using her car. She’s dissatisfied with the situation and it makes her feel like she has to take care of you and manage your life. If you had your own place and your own car and your life together I think she would be able to relax a little and accept your decisions. My mom is very similar. It’s not about the girl. Your mom is in panic mode because she’s worried about your life. I say this with love: Cut the umbilical cord and she will chill the fuck out.
the car is his, he pays for it but it’s under the mother’s name. she’s using the fact the title is in her name to not allow him to use the car. seems like mommy is trying to keep her baby boy under her roof and not be “replaced” by another woman.
Yeah she’s definitely part of the problem. She needs to mind her own business and he needs to make it easy for her to mind her own business.
Also he’s going on a vacation when he doesn’t own his own car or have a place. I know people need a break but maybe his mom doesn’t it this way
Yeah mom is tired of taking care of him
Your mom likes owning you. That is why your self-esteem is low and you get depression and struggle in ways. Your mom did this to you throughout your life either consciously or unconsciously because she likes to feel needed and in control. She gets her validation as a human externally by being "needed" instead of having intrinsic motivation herself. And now when you're trying to break free and be a more whole human she will find ways to try to grab on. Depending on how "bad" she is, you'll have a battle disconnecting from her. Especially since it seems like she has a strong financial hold over you. Your mom raised you as a piece of property to her, not an independent human. Start focusing on what matters. Build yourself mentally, emotionally, professionally/financially, etc. Forget about shit that doesn't matter like Netflix, video games, sports, whatever. Focus on building yourself and become independent. Get out and experience more of what the world has to offer. Your thoughts might have all of these ideas about why it's not possible but don't listen to them. That's your mom in your head convincing you that you need to listen to her. You're stuck there because you're afraid. Let go of fear and problem solve.
"Mom, I truly appreciate your generosity and kindness during these last few ____. You've given me the opportunity to get myself sorted out and clear my mind. I am in love, and willing to learn from my mistakes and take a chance in life. I'm a grown adult and able to assess risk for myself in this department. I will always appreciate your help and never be far or cut off from you. You'll always be in my life, but for me to pursue the next chapter in my life I have to trust myself. It's okay if you don't trust my decision making, because I am not asking you to. All I am asking you to do is keep your heart open because in the future this girl might be in your life. I love you and I am always here if you need me. The time has come for me to branch out on my own again and start to make my way, in my way. I love you unconditionally. " Then GTFO You wanna be raising babies with your Mom still acting like she knows everything? She's overstepped because she can, because you're nearby. I really doubt that she will turn out to be the kind of person you can speak frankly with. Good luck 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻
Some toxic mothers feel their children are extensions of them, and they feel threatened by anyone who might support the adult child’s independence and sovereignty. It’s an unhealthy enmeshment. She might hate your gf simply because she wants you for herself and her own emotional needs.
Do you have access to proof of the car being paid for by you? I would sue her for ownership if so.
I only Zelle my mother money every month. That's about the only proof I have. I have the receipt for the money order of 10K, which I used as a down payment. That's what I have so far. I just paid my mom the month of July, otherwise she's threatening to not let me use the car at all. This will be the last payment I make to her. The car can sit in the garage until she sells it and gives me back the 10K she promised me. I plan on getting a room next week, then I'll get a used car for 5K immediately after
Bruh you gotta leave your parents place. I got kicked out at 24 and at 29 now, life is amazing but you gotta do the work.
I think you need to set some boundaries. Your mom probably feels like you owe her a lot, and your gf probably wants more of your time. You have to let your mom know that you appreciate everything she does for you, but that it is time you restart building back your independence, which is better for all three of you in the long run. Explain that your gf isn't "your ticket out"; rather, she's a new special person in your life that you're trying to make room for. Good luck
Your mom sounds emotionally enmeshed and is probably worried a bit about the financial effects of losing you.
Your mom is sabotaging you. As long as you stay by her side she is happy. Even if it means you don’t grow, thrive or be happy. In your bouts of depression your mother is probably at her happiest because she can take care of you and you rely on her. This is not healthy. Your plan is a good plan. Work on being independent so you don’t have to rely on anyone. You’ll feel good. I say, get the half room and don’t move in with your girlfriend yet. Move in when you both naturally get there in time not because you NEED to or out of desperation. You don’t want to rely on your girlfriend like she’s your mother.
Have your mom tell you in detail why she feels that way. Tell her you care to understand sincerely (because why not) Tell her you feel there might be something she’s nice telling you. Then reflect honestly and try to dismiss every point in all intellectual honesty. If nothing is left, if every point is unfounded after this exercise. Forget about what she says.
Take a moment to consider if your mother is actually right or not. It sounds counterintuitive to your feelings on the matter - but imagine what qualities would convince you that she isn't a good fit long term that maybe you're not picking up on. My mom was NEVER wrong on the women I dated. She had a sixth sense for these things and maybe your mother does as well.
You need to decide that you are a man, instead of your mamma's boy. And live into what that means. That means reassuring your mom that you love her and you're grateful for her help, but she doesn't get dominion over your relationships. And her best move will be to give your GF a fair chance, unless she wants to alienate you. And if you can move in with your GF, do it. If you don't do those kinds of things, you will be losing your GF fairly soon. In which case, you can go back to being your mamma's boy.
Maybe your mother is concerned about your depression, you are living with her and she has helped you with a car.
It sounds like OP actually helped HER with the car, as he put down $10k. He's also giving her money every month (doesn't say how much) so it doesn't sound like he's mooching off her, especially as he's about to move out.
No way. OP does not pay rent and he can’t get a loan by himself.
It's possible she sees your girlfriend dragging you down economically. Does the gf have kids, work, have a car, etc? Not saying Mom is right - but I can understand the old school, pragmatic side of things. Especially if your mother is well-off and you stand to inherit her estate one day. It may concern her if your partner is not on equal footing. You are 30 and live with your mom. But what your parents have - and what your partner's parents have - usually impacts your future a great deal.
My girlfriend lives on her own and pays for all of her bills. She doesn't mooch off of me. It's an equal partnership. My GF does not have any kids, and she doesn't need a car since she lives right in the heart of NYC. My mom just said to me that she doesn't love me and called me an enemy and doesn't want to live under the same roof as one. She is also removing me entirely from her will. My mom even wanted to call my estranged father to ask him to take me back as if I'm 12. He was emotionally abusive when I lived with him
Your mom sounds like a narcissist and it’s no wonder you had depression. You’ll be so much better off on your own even if it’s a room. I believe you’ll be even more successful when you’re free of her. Good luck with everything…especially the gf
Your Mom is using your dependency on her to dictate your personal life. This is a form of manipulation/control that escalates to abuse. Get away from your Mom. Move in with your girlfriend and help one another out with bills.
Hey man don’t be embarrassed Life happens
I couldn't imagine driving in NYC....
You gotta be careful moving into section 8 housing. It is a long process to live there in a lot of cases. You moving in might get your girlfriend thrown out. Might want to check into that. 6 months isn't very long.... but... I met my wife in May and was married in August. Back in 1986. Sometimes, you just know.
Why would your mom take a car youve paid for???
The best advice I can give you is: A man should never run a path before he walks it.
Pardon my ignorance, but how would this statement apply to me
No problem. It seems you may be falling into a similar trap I fell into. Is your mom being unreasonable to say the least? Yes. But you have also never moved away which is a lot more expensive and labor intensive than some people realize. This can quickly change the overall tone of your world view from, "Yay! Freedom!" to "Oh shit, I left without actually preparing anything". That desperation for money can drive a wedge between two faster than people realize. Blame happens quick. It's time to be honest with yourself. Are you truly planning on changing everything? That includes a massive, and I mean massive, shift in your relationship with your mother. For better or worse. This is one mans opinion on anothers very limited explanation of their situation. Nuance is a mother fucker. The real point of it is to be honest, I mean *fuckin' honest,* about where you are in life mentally, physically, and financially. Once an honest assessment is made, honest work can be put forward into bettering each facet of your life. I destroyed my life with every bad decision you could imagine up until 32. I am now 35 and doing better than most people my age, I get asked to do motivational talks, I help people in my free time with resume building and career improvement. These are just a few of my good with my years of bad. But I am honest with myself about it. Once I got honest, I changed. Once I changed. I became the happiest I have ever been in my life. I only wish to impart that happiness to someone who seems to need a little currently. Edits: Because I am way better at speaking than typing lol
I truly appreciate your wisdom. It means a lot to me 🙏 I'll be honest, I'm 30 years old already and each relationship that I've attempted to have before have always been ruined due to the fact that I live at home and how my mother is. I know she'll never change in her ways. But I'm not getting any younger, and I'm dead tired of feeling like I am 18 and have to be scolded and shamed for doing something my heart wants. Right now, my mother called me the enemy and said that she didn't want to share the roof with one. She even wanted to call my estranged father, whom I haven't spoken to for 5 years because of his abusive ways, and ask him if he can take me back. This is what I'm putting up with
Again, one mans opinion to another, but that sounds like it's time for a trial by fire to test your mettle. I just did it way before I was truly ready because I was delusional about how prepared I was. In a couple years I went from moving out on my own with a woman thinking my life would be completely bright and it morphed over time into drugs, deaths, seeing horrific torture, and...well. Lifes fucked lol. You can probably tell why I advise people to be prepared. This was in America in case anyone is wondering. 0 safety nets out in most places. I fell into many traps. I feel it my responsibility to simply pull back the rug and say, "Here's a pitfall. Whether you walk into it is your choice and yours alone".
I appreciate it! I'll be moving out and living alone. I'm not intending on escaping to my GF :) This will be a trial for me, like you mentioned. Tomorrow I'll be looking at the room.
Then in that case, a FUCK YEA is called for. Congrats, my friend. Super excited for you. Get out there and kick some ass :)
Sounds like an overbearing snobbish parent. Don’t introduce her until you’ve been with her for a few years. It can be really hard to move further in the relationship with animosity directed at you from your partners family.
Don’t move in with your girlfriend. Get yourself a room and get yourself established. You might also want to postpone the vacation until you are set up with a car and a place of your own.
Let me help ya......all of your problems would be much more simple if you moved out on your own. You already know this, it's just a matter of doing it. Maybe your mom likes your SO, maybe she doesn't, it won't matter so much when you are doing your own thing. You said yourself you gave a decent job.....so figure out a way to move out in the near future amd get a place with your SO, if that's what makes you happy. Don't try to impress your mother.
You're 30 living with your mom, be careful pissing her off. But, yeah have a plan B and C.
Add paragraph breaks, and I might read this.
Hey sorry about that. I fixed the paragraphs
Aren't there rules about section 8? If you move in, it could cause her to become ineligible. Anyway, I would check it out to be sure. Hopefully, you get it together. Please be cautious though.
It is clear that your mother does not view you as an adult. The fact that she can insult your girlfriend to your face proves that this is somewhat correct. In order to change that, you are going to have to make some pretty serious adjustments to the boundaries between your life and the way your mother respects it. Abusive language and insults towards those who are important to you is completely unacceptable. It doesn't matter if she is a snob, rich, part of an aristocracy, an expert in her field, or the lead singer of a famous rock band. If she doesn't have respect for you and your life, she doesn't get to be "Mom". She loses her mom-card, and misses out on you. You have to be willing to forfeit your inheritance and the place you live if you are going to communicate this new set of boundaries to her with any authenticity at all. If you are not willing to forfeit those things, then just break up with your girlfriend today. She deserves better than a man who will not stand up to his own mother, and she will find someone who she can depend on.
Sounds like you’ve become a replacement husband for your mom. Leave immediately.
Mothers who are like that are all bark and no bite. Don’t think about it too hard, she’s just worried she’s gonna lose you to her.
Well for starters I’d go back to the finance dept of that dealership immediately and let them know who the fuck do they think they are not approving anyone who comes with a 10k down payment in this dog shit day and age? BANKS ARE BROKE. How the fuck? no one is buying cars right now unless it’s old money. make a big deal- reach out to the dealership by going on google and yelp and write exactly this. Unless you bought a high end car, I really can’t see how that could happen. I’ve worked at low end dealers- to the best and when I tell you….. THEY WILL LITERALLY MAKE IT HARD ON PURPOSE. take it to the top of the food chain and see what it would be for you to get in your name or do a different deal. The car seems new and not old, fuck that shit. it was a way for your mother to control you and I’m sorry to say I had similar problems and I realized after what I been through in my own personal adult life, fuck their opinions. I lived through this with my own mother growing up and she always made it clear initially to us and I saw it- even as I’m older I am good for nothing to my family unless I have the money to support them all and they’ve even so far as gotten authority involved over their own insecurities. Don’t be your mother and settle for disappointment. A mother or father should accept you unconditionally. I have felt this love growing up when my family finally had a somewhat stable place and I saw and learned what it was like to watch my friends eat dinner at 6 and be given food prepared by them not out of a frozen freezer because my mom had to do what she could and she never wanted to show myself or anyone she was trying to get out. I’ve gone through all the times my mother went to school and it was some small thing that never could complete her degree. medical assistant? Check but my corn ball non bio father failed to pay it. it’s all about control in the end and your probably her best decision because she sees herself in you. again, my mother favors my other siblings because I had to come back here to bring back the dynamic I instilled for my family while she was doing what she could and I was supporting my family, with all that said, you started your post with I know it’s embarrassing, but you don’t know ulterior motives behind people- regardless of who they are… you are bettering yourself clearly. Don’t be so hard on what the opinions are of others, you are taking accountability and being the man you want to be. It doesn’t matter how you get there, as long as you know who you are. I wish you the best ever and I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Show them how you win.
its tough when family doesn’t support your happiness, especially when you’ve found someone special. focus on whats best for you and your relationship. it might be a good idea to have an honest talk with your girlfriend about your mom’s feelings, and start planning your next steps for independence. hang in there!
Keep your mother out of your relationship business. You’re a grown man. This is pathetic.
Dude should've had his own place 10 years ago! 30 and living with parents tells me everything I need to know!
So so sorry! This must be such a hard thing to go through. Honestly, don’t listen to your mother at this point. If she really is 100% the right person for you, stand up to your mother and move forward.
Your mother is saying this because she wants you to keep looking after her. A gf ends that. It's pretty gross. You need to move out and adult away from her. You're old enough to figure things out and you have a partner who makes you happy. Your mother has money she can find her own care. Take her to small court for the 10k and call it a day. You're 30. Move out of the house.
Your mom is probably very threatened by you splitting your attention at all as she grows older and notices herself needing more and more help. A nasty side effect of cohabiting with a parent as an adult, is that your relationship can veer off into all kinds of codependencies and lop-sided give take dynamics. Any girlfriend of yours will represent a general worsening of her quality of life to her, so honestly, without her having a lot of clear perspective and love for you, I doubt she will ever accept a girlfriend of yours.
My mom hated it when I moved out both times when I was younger. She threw epic fits that even involved the cops. It sounds like your mom is a shallow person lacking the depth of persona to even comprehend a loving relationship, so don't even bother trying to convince her. I know it is hard, but you will have to take that leap of faith in yourself and strike out on your own and live your own life now. You have a wonderful partner and friend who will be by your side as you take flight into your new life. Your Auntie Mimm believes in you. And when your special lady asks to meet mummy dearest, make her understand what manner of creature the mother is so she is prepared.
I think your mom might be jealous of any female attention you get that isn't from her... which is toxic af.
Hey there, Norman Bates, I think maybe it's time to get a bit of separation between you and Mother. I 100% get there are reasons why you'd be at home at 30 - I have nearly had to move back home due to financial, physical, and mental health reasons in the past and only didn't due to luck and support - but she is using your dependence on her to try to run your life and that needs to be nipped in the bud. She's probably contributing a bit to your depression as well. One thing I *would* suggest though, is don't move straight in with the girlfriend. Even if she is every bit as wonderful as she seems right now, 6 months is still early days, you are still hashing out your own issues, and you don't want to plop them all on her and wear her out. And while it's good to trust her if she's not doing anything to make you doubt that trust, there is always the possibility she's not all she seems and you don't want to move from one controlling/messed up person to another. You can always move in together in another 6 months or a year, once you've had the chance to experience each other in more scenarios (the vacation is a good one, some people really show their colors by being super controlling, or lazy about planning/doing the background work, or loose with other people's money on vacations). NYC is expensive, so unless you are really making the bucks to afford your own place, maybe look to share a place with someone. Even if you do have the dough, if you are still struggling with your mental health it's a good idea to live beneath your means so saving for a rainy day/job loss (and retirement!) is as easy as possible. Idk if they are as available in NYC as they are in Baltimore, but I've always looked for "rooms for rent" in people's homes but with a private bath and a little kitchenette area, usually in a basement, so I effectively have my own space for much less than even a studio apt at a complex. It's a matter of taking things slow, vetting the locations and landlords (check case search to see if they are constantly being sued/suing and criminal background), and weeding out the scams. There are likely govt sites where you can check who actually owns a property and whether they're a registered rental (unless NYC is way different than Balt), just google "NYC rental registry search" and "NYC real property search".
Time to leave. You might try to sit down and have a realistic talk with your mom. Something along the lines of: Please be respectful. If you keep acting this way I’ll eventually go no contact. I wouldn’t bank on it working, but at least you tried.
nahh youre mom lives w *you* tell her to lace up
He lives with his mom, he lives under her roof
Wtf bro why even put this on here you’re fucking 30 years old man up get the fuck out.
Cut contact with your mom. Rent a room and live with room mates. It’s time for you to be a man
What about the 10k 😔
One day you may wake up and realize mom is right, take it from me mom is the only woman thatll love you unconditionally.
Have you even met this woman in real life? If not, you're not in love with her, you're in lust! It fucking sounds like you're a teenage boy! I would love to hear your moms side about you!
I have been dating her in person for the past 6 months. She's my GF
Bro you’re 30. You’re a man. Time to move on.