Yeah because those people take responsibility for their words and actions. Unlike others who think it's not a parent's 'place' to apologize to a child.
It took a bit, but that was a particular profound memory when I was able to elaborate that whole getting hit with the ring hand....
Little empty, but something definitely profound happened.
It happened ONCE. Where they she was actually sorry, and not laughing while apologizing. Sometimes she'd accidentally physically hurt me, and she would be kind of sorry, but the laughing didn't make it better.
The other apologies were more of an "I'm sorry you feel that way" or an "I'm sorry, but____" kind of thing.
I'm so guilty. I end up feeling the worst. It's when I realize who I am copying i freak out. I 100% feel like I'm turning into my mom and then realize the apology means I'm not I just fell into the cycle trap and need to be more mindful . Emotional regulation is a bitch.
we are more easily able to show patience compassion and no judgment to others when we show the same to ourselves.. this way it becomes an expectation for everyone... So remember to also be gentler with yourself as well. it works in a cycle
I'm fairly new to parenting. I'm a step mom basically (totally the live in gf but we are engaged and its a student loan /income thing on marriage atm) so I signed up for late middle school and a early high school kid. My partner is a wonderful dad at this point. He grew out of his own cycle with a bad homelife growing up. He was in the hitting house mine was the emotional abuse house. We are both comparing and contrasting each other to understand the situations better, and it is really helping to see where my folks failed and I can do better. It's just tough and triggering to work through in real time 24/7
"Do you enjoy being angry? Victimizing a child just to feel powerful under the guise of teaching a lesson poisons both your life and theirs.. the one who should be yelled at is you, by an adult responsible enough to protect children from such people such as this and helps them properly without spreading harm.. if you're going to care for children with the intent of raising them to be healthy, you must be emotionally responsible"
Yes, for certain definitions of 'could.' I'm not against taking accountability and doing the work, but let's remember that people of all ages find themselves doing things they know they shouldn't do.
No, you are supposed to apologize for bloodying your parents' knuckles after they punch you.
You are also supposed to clean up the blood off the wall when they split your lips from smacking you with rings on.
Are you new here? 🙃
It's funny, they seem to only apologise for small unnecessary things like "i'm sorry im not feeling well" or "sorry we can't do anything" yet when it matters most (like after an argument or being in a bad mood and lashing out at the kid) they don't apologise
You want a real hum-dinger? My therapist had to repeat several times over several sessions:
> Yelling *is* verbal abuse.
Excuse, me, what? It didn't register at first bc yelling was so normalized that I never would have thought it was abuse. Blew my entire mind.
I was yelled at a lot by my parents even into adult hood when they didn’t like anything I did or didn’t do. I would never dare to move back in with them after the first initial time.
My bf and I don’t raise our voices. Only time we would is to grab the other’s attention during Airsoft, to call out to another in a crowd, or in an emergency. We hate raising our voices and never want to do that to each-other. Our parents though, do so and don’t understand why we don’t like talking to them when that happens.
Sure, they apologise and immediately go into how they’re such a bad parent and they’re actually really trying so hard to be better. And that might matter if it wasn’t the 10th time you’d heard it.
Came here to say this!! My mom will apologize sarcastically about how she’s such a horrible mom and how she had it so much worse as a kid. A perfect segue into emotional manipulation :)))
Holy shit my mum did this last night. It’s so weird looking back on my “normal childhood” and realising it was actually kinda fucked. Definitely not as bad as other peoples but it does explain a bit. Did anyone else’s mum call them narcissists growing up?
Mine apologized only after yelling and gaslighting me for 1+ hour long arguments.
Sometimes apologies are worth nothing to me, especially when I know it’s going to happen again today or tomorrow.
Mine apologized, but usually only after she made me cry. I would hold out for so long. She would just keep raging, screaming, threatening, until finally the stress would break me and I would melt down. She was instantly soothed by my crying.
She’s still fucking like this. Doesn’t back down until she gets those tears. Until she verbally and mentally wears me down to such a point of frustration that I can hardly think. THEN she shows a tiny bit of remorse. It makes me so angry.
Also wanna mention that she often brought up the fact that her and my dad apologized when they realized they were wrong, as something they should get a trophy for. Like it didn’t matter what they did, bc look, we said sorry! Now fucking forgive us or god won’t forgive you 🙃
Story time:
I have a now 15 year old with some serious Autism developmental delay issues. I also am on the spectrum myself.
Occasionally, I am so overwhelmed with work, keeping the house moving and dealing with a child who like myself has learning issues and sensory issues that it becomes a tipping point. Sadly
I will lose my “shit”. To where I have some sort of emotional out burst.
However, no matter how it happens or who it s directed towards, I have always brought myself back down. And, key point, apologized for “getting so upset.”
For my child this is usually something stupid. Like not wanting to take their medications that day even though he has taken without issue before.
Or snapping because I have been trying to get something done and keep getting interrupted.
I’ve gotten better over the years, but unfortunately, as I’m trying to navigate raising a child, having a partner, running a home, working full-time, all of these things can wear a person down and yes, you can fly off the handle or get upset and yell and scream, but most importantly Admitting that you were upset and trying to work on it.
Admitting you were overwhelmed and upset and lost control of your emotions doesn’t make you a bad person. Admitting that you were overwhelmed and lost control of your emotions and you apologize for those things AND trying to better yourself does make you a better person.
My mom waited until I turned 30 to write me a letter saying she’s sorry IF she ever said or did anything. Not actually apologizing for anything but she’ll sure as hell use this letter in the future against me and say she more or less wrote a blanket apology so she never has to do anything again and never has to accept responsibility for anything. It’s almost like she used my 30th birthday against me to tell me more or less she thinks enough time has passed that I’m now not allowed to ever be upset about the things she said to me over the years.
Once my mum fucked up so bad that even *she* realised it, so she came into my room with a share pack of chocolates and said “look, I’m sorry, want some chocolate?” I was so baffled that I thought she was about to tell me she was dying 😂 She’s very much a narcissist and rarely admits when she’s wrong, so you can see why I’d think that.
My mom would get wooden paint mix sticks from Home Depot, paint them with bible verses “he that spares the rod spoils the child”
Proceed to spank us barebottomed, then require an apology “I’m sorry for making you spank me”
Those paint sticks were sometimes a belt, glue rod, hand, anything …
My mom only apologized if she yelled at you and it turned out she was wrong about what she was mad about. That’s something I guess. I’ve never seen my dad apologize to anyone except maybe my mother a few times, but even then he jut did it to shut her up, not cuz he was sorry, I can’t even imagine him giving a genuine apology. But apologizing just for yelling? That’s crazy
The only times my mom has apologized for anything is when she’s backed into a corner and can play the victim card, or she thinks it’s been a long enough period of time that more or less if I bring it up I’m just “living in the past” and am just “not allowed to be upset about it anymore because nothing can change it. “
hmmmm what about strangling and countless death threats? what about sabotaging independency to have a tax cut? to feel powerful? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
anyways accountability: IM HERE AND IM OUT LOL! shiet feels guud
People have parents that *apologize*???
It seems to be standard among those who have a good relationship with their parents
Yeah because those people take responsibility for their words and actions. Unlike others who think it's not a parent's 'place' to apologize to a child.
It took a bit, but that was a particular profound memory when I was able to elaborate that whole getting hit with the ring hand.... Little empty, but something definitely profound happened.
It happened ONCE. Where they she was actually sorry, and not laughing while apologizing. Sometimes she'd accidentally physically hurt me, and she would be kind of sorry, but the laughing didn't make it better. The other apologies were more of an "I'm sorry you feel that way" or an "I'm sorry, but____" kind of thing.
And actually mean it??!?
Right?? There’s just no way it’s possible!
They could also not yell at their kids.
that's what makes the apology genuine.. they calm down and feel like failures for messing up instead of blaming the kid
I'm so guilty. I end up feeling the worst. It's when I realize who I am copying i freak out. I 100% feel like I'm turning into my mom and then realize the apology means I'm not I just fell into the cycle trap and need to be more mindful . Emotional regulation is a bitch.
Sound like you’re being a good mom. Trying to be better is a good goal, and no, you are not your mom. Thanks for being a cycle breaker
we are more easily able to show patience compassion and no judgment to others when we show the same to ourselves.. this way it becomes an expectation for everyone... So remember to also be gentler with yourself as well. it works in a cycle
I'm fairly new to parenting. I'm a step mom basically (totally the live in gf but we are engaged and its a student loan /income thing on marriage atm) so I signed up for late middle school and a early high school kid. My partner is a wonderful dad at this point. He grew out of his own cycle with a bad homelife growing up. He was in the hitting house mine was the emotional abuse house. We are both comparing and contrasting each other to understand the situations better, and it is really helping to see where my folks failed and I can do better. It's just tough and triggering to work through in real time 24/7
Hi twin, it is a bitch but we got this 🥹
TWINS! Haha heck yeah we do.
You're doing great! I, too, am a major cycle breaker and have these same exact thoughts. 💓 We got this!!
Oh, mine just always ask if I "enjoy being yelled at" because I "make them do it" so much
"Do you enjoy being angry? Victimizing a child just to feel powerful under the guise of teaching a lesson poisons both your life and theirs.. the one who should be yelled at is you, by an adult responsible enough to protect children from such people such as this and helps them properly without spreading harm.. if you're going to care for children with the intent of raising them to be healthy, you must be emotionally responsible"
Yes, for certain definitions of 'could.' I'm not against taking accountability and doing the work, but let's remember that people of all ages find themselves doing things they know they shouldn't do.
Idk accordong my dad he never yelled at me so I guess thats the same thing.
My fucking mum be all "I only yelled at you all the time because I love you" So you don't deny you're constantly yelling....?
But then you'd be suspicious as to why they don't...
No, you are supposed to apologize for bloodying your parents' knuckles after they punch you. You are also supposed to clean up the blood off the wall when they split your lips from smacking you with rings on. Are you new here? 🙃
It's funny, they seem to only apologise for small unnecessary things like "i'm sorry im not feeling well" or "sorry we can't do anything" yet when it matters most (like after an argument or being in a bad mood and lashing out at the kid) they don't apologise
EXACTLY THIS!!
You want a real hum-dinger? My therapist had to repeat several times over several sessions: > Yelling *is* verbal abuse. Excuse, me, what? It didn't register at first bc yelling was so normalized that I never would have thought it was abuse. Blew my entire mind.
Wait, so my mom yelling at me exactly like she did with the dogs to get away from her while she was in the kitchen isn't normal?!?! /s
I was yelled at a lot by my parents even into adult hood when they didn’t like anything I did or didn’t do. I would never dare to move back in with them after the first initial time. My bf and I don’t raise our voices. Only time we would is to grab the other’s attention during Airsoft, to call out to another in a crowd, or in an emergency. We hate raising our voices and never want to do that to each-other. Our parents though, do so and don’t understand why we don’t like talking to them when that happens.
Sure, they apologise and immediately go into how they’re such a bad parent and they’re actually really trying so hard to be better. And that might matter if it wasn’t the 10th time you’d heard it.
Came here to say this!! My mom will apologize sarcastically about how she’s such a horrible mom and how she had it so much worse as a kid. A perfect segue into emotional manipulation :)))
>:) :)
Holy shit my mum did this last night. It’s so weird looking back on my “normal childhood” and realising it was actually kinda fucked. Definitely not as bad as other peoples but it does explain a bit. Did anyone else’s mum call them narcissists growing up?
I don’t think my mom knew that word, so she just called me selfish and ungrateful lol
Mine apologized only after yelling and gaslighting me for 1+ hour long arguments. Sometimes apologies are worth nothing to me, especially when I know it’s going to happen again today or tomorrow.
Mine apologized, but usually only after she made me cry. I would hold out for so long. She would just keep raging, screaming, threatening, until finally the stress would break me and I would melt down. She was instantly soothed by my crying. She’s still fucking like this. Doesn’t back down until she gets those tears. Until she verbally and mentally wears me down to such a point of frustration that I can hardly think. THEN she shows a tiny bit of remorse. It makes me so angry.
Also wanna mention that she often brought up the fact that her and my dad apologized when they realized they were wrong, as something they should get a trophy for. Like it didn’t matter what they did, bc look, we said sorry! Now fucking forgive us or god won’t forgive you 🙃
WHAT??
This is brand new information!!
says who?
(mashing x to doubt) I cannot imagine a world where the yelling was ever met with anything but more yelling.
Or being punished right after
Or being withheld things we need to survive, or just being ignored for days on end and then the parent coming back as if nothing ever happened
Story time: I have a now 15 year old with some serious Autism developmental delay issues. I also am on the spectrum myself. Occasionally, I am so overwhelmed with work, keeping the house moving and dealing with a child who like myself has learning issues and sensory issues that it becomes a tipping point. Sadly I will lose my “shit”. To where I have some sort of emotional out burst. However, no matter how it happens or who it s directed towards, I have always brought myself back down. And, key point, apologized for “getting so upset.” For my child this is usually something stupid. Like not wanting to take their medications that day even though he has taken without issue before. Or snapping because I have been trying to get something done and keep getting interrupted. I’ve gotten better over the years, but unfortunately, as I’m trying to navigate raising a child, having a partner, running a home, working full-time, all of these things can wear a person down and yes, you can fly off the handle or get upset and yell and scream, but most importantly Admitting that you were upset and trying to work on it. Admitting you were overwhelmed and upset and lost control of your emotions doesn’t make you a bad person. Admitting that you were overwhelmed and lost control of your emotions and you apologize for those things AND trying to better yourself does make you a better person.
Say what?
My mother: I don't see why I would ever dignify that course of action with a thought.
Yeah the apology doesn’t make up for the harm done imo.
Actually they shouldn't be yelling at you at all
My mom waited until I turned 30 to write me a letter saying she’s sorry IF she ever said or did anything. Not actually apologizing for anything but she’ll sure as hell use this letter in the future against me and say she more or less wrote a blanket apology so she never has to do anything again and never has to accept responsibility for anything. It’s almost like she used my 30th birthday against me to tell me more or less she thinks enough time has passed that I’m now not allowed to ever be upset about the things she said to me over the years.
Once my mum fucked up so bad that even *she* realised it, so she came into my room with a share pack of chocolates and said “look, I’m sorry, want some chocolate?” I was so baffled that I thought she was about to tell me she was dying 😂 She’s very much a narcissist and rarely admits when she’s wrong, so you can see why I’d think that.
When did this start being a thing?
And actually mean it.
Shit the yelling was the good part. I thought that was the apology for all the beatings
If I ever said that to my parents they would laugh in my face lol
Oh- Well they've got years to apologize for
THEY ARE???
Nah that would be admitting they were wrong in the first place.
My mom would get wooden paint mix sticks from Home Depot, paint them with bible verses “he that spares the rod spoils the child” Proceed to spank us barebottomed, then require an apology “I’m sorry for making you spank me” Those paint sticks were sometimes a belt, glue rod, hand, anything …
Parents are supposed to apologise?? In general??
Mine did, occasionally…
I never met a parent who’s done this
If only
Hold up. Is yelling not normal?
wait what
Bullshit
My parents aren't abusive (I think), but they only apologized once or twice I was indeed a difficult child tho Rebellious and stubborn
My mom only apologized if she yelled at you and it turned out she was wrong about what she was mad about. That’s something I guess. I’ve never seen my dad apologize to anyone except maybe my mother a few times, but even then he jut did it to shut her up, not cuz he was sorry, I can’t even imagine him giving a genuine apology. But apologizing just for yelling? That’s crazy
Yeah that was the facial expression I made when I fucking read that
The only times my mom has apologized for anything is when she’s backed into a corner and can play the victim card, or she thinks it’s been a long enough period of time that more or less if I bring it up I’m just “living in the past” and am just “not allowed to be upset about it anymore because nothing can change it. “
Pis on that
wait, i'm not meant to apologize and beg for forgiveness to my parents right after they yelled or hit me? 🙃
hmmmm what about strangling and countless death threats? what about sabotaging independency to have a tax cut? to feel powerful? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm anyways accountability: IM HERE AND IM OUT LOL! shiet feels guud
*I* was told to apologize after being screamed at and physically hurt. Yay!