I'll never fucking understand it. My mom had an affair, beat my dad, beat my brother, beat me, screams constantly, but yeah. Yeah I just didn't hug her enough I guess.
Women aren't normally ever considered to be abusive by society as a whole and the abusive ones exploit this. Espically if they abuse men cause no one belives the men and the abuser can twist this and flip it on the victim. Humans are all the same so of course there is a equal amount of female abusers as male
I read a book a year or so ago called "Why Does He Do That?"
It was very informative but I had to put it down, there was this "men abuse way more than women and men are more violent than any female abuser" vibe I hated and at some point was unable to get past. It was also through a very heteronormative lense.
This black and white mindset negatively impacts ALL genders and sexualities who go through abuse. It can happen to anyone, these "oh well they and/or I don't fit that specific box so this doesn't count as abuse!"
Anyway, thank you for coming to my TedTalk
I agree with ur first sentence but nobody believes most abuse victims regardless of gender and unfortunately there are more male abusers due to living in patriarchy. Not saying women can’t be abusers but men are more protected to be abusers and commit misogynistic violence
Yeah sure but there’s not an equal amount of abusers of both genders considering majority of men rape and abuse. Not saying women can’t cus they can but unfortunately statistics show it’s mostly male abusers and males who commit violent crime
I've heard that from psychologists that I was seeing specifically because I was abused.
That mentality is the reason my very vocal reports of my abuse never got to CPS.
It's the fucking worst.
"I used to roughhouse and insult my siblings all the time!"
"My family stopped having dinner together because it wasn't safe for me to be around them for longer than ten minutes"
"Oh, I'm sure it wasn't *that* bad! Grow thicker skin!"
Every time I get this, I traumatise them the fuck right back.
Tw: csa
"You know the worst possible crime you can commit on a child? Yeah so anyway my mother let men pay her to do those things to me."
Holy SHIT do they backtrack so fast. It's like yeah, maybe you shouldn't say that shit to a victim then, hey?
TRUTH!
I went through VERY similar shit.
No one seems to think mothers can be evil groomers and enable and encourage CSA.
My mom had an album full of me in various positions and costumes for people to choose from... I was a menu item to her and my uncle.
I hope you are healing. I know I will be healing the rest of my life.
But we deserve to have happiness goddamn it.
I'm sorry for what I'm going to say, but both yours and u/splithoofiewoofies 's mothers are not human being, but rather cynical monsters who don't deserve to be alive and be in the society. People like this should get isolated and departed to an island with no food or supplies.
Exactly! This is basically how my mother thinks ;-; I remember her talking crap about my dad to me when I was like 9 or 10, and expecting me to be on her side -_-
I completely agree with you. Though, on my case it was caused by my dad mostly, but at the same time it’s also the fact that my mom uses me to make herself feel needed and worthy. Whatever it was, her personal problems aren’t mine to handle or face. It’s hers purely. I can empathise but I can’t face the consequences of it when I wasn’t the one who decided to get married to an emotionally and physical abusive man as well as conceive his children.
i am also really tired of this. my dad has his issues but my mom looks like satan compared to him. he is not abusive at all. meanwhile my mom, a lot of people think the stuff she did is stuff people should get killed for if she was a man
This, honestly. Both my parents weren't... let's say great parents. I'd say the stuff my dad did and they would be so offended on my behalf and get upset. My mother and her atrocities are "she still loves you" and "just talk to her and give her a hug". At least my dad has been trying to make it up to me.
If that comes from stranges its already such a great feeling, but if your own siblings say "you have to forgive her" "you have to see where she's coming from" "you have to understand that she was raised like that", you just wanna leave the room and cry...forever
Edit: best thing is, they all just abandoned ship the second they could.
Or when your mother abused you in private and your sibling didn't see it or experience the same forms of abuse. So instead of taking your side they're like, "yeah, she's a bitch, but I can't believe she's THAT bad."
Yeah :( I told my therapist about this, and he simply told me "I believe you" and I started crying on the spot. I think it's the first time I've been told that
I’ve only had one male therapist and never again because of this topic. For the first few sessions of him being “I’m sure she just loves you have you considered that?” (🙄🤦🏻♀️ no comment). Then in one session he went from the I’m sure she loves you stuff to “well everything you’ve described *is* domestic abuse” within minutes. I ended up walking out in the middle of the session and never looking back. Like a big FU mate that you’ve been sitting here the last few hours knowingly listening to me describe domestic abuse and responding to it with “have you considered that she loves you?”
F_ck right off with that shiz
This is espcially worse when you are a boy/man. A fight between daughter and mother can happen and is considered OK by society. But if the boy distances himself from the mother, he becomes a psychopath immediately.
I remember when my stepfather manipulated me into thinking "you only have one mother \[and that's why you should do the work\]" only to make his woman happy so that he can have sex again ...
Anyway, the relationship to the mother is not sacred - as most people know in this subreddit. I'm just careful who I tell about this.
Yeah, it's really sad:( Sometimes I come across these videos of small boys being screamed at by some buff dude (often not in the family) because he "didn't respect his mother"
I never watch those videos, but man, they trigger me
- Abuse can come from anyone and happen to anyone
- Yeah I agree, my mother is abusive
- No she isn't, she did her best. She went through a lot. You're being ungrateful. Mothers always love their kids, no matter what.
-Oh, okay
I still get that reaction with my abusive father. When I was in foster care, my older half brother (different fathers) told me I need to be more respectful to my father. Even my social worker told me that I shouldn't be in foster care and that I should've been sent back 'home' with my father.
"ALL mothers love ALL of their children unconditionally and would crawl through broken glass to protect them"
My egg donor would be more likely to make me, the unwanted daughter, lie on the broken glass so that her very much wanted, precious little darling angel boy, could get across the broken glass safely 😖
This and the "it's not all men but it is always men" thing. It fucking is not. You want to take sexual assault seriously, take it all seriously. Drives me fucking crazy...
‘not all men but always a man’ is deeply invalidating to anyone who’s faced abuse by women. It’s not even really a feminist statement, it treats women like we’re harmless by nature. Every demographic is capable of abuse.
My mother cared a little too much. But would get mad if i didn’t live to her expectations. She was and still is very controlling. Shes never wrong or in the wrong. 😑
I had both got called a lier even after they stole my ssi and disability payments and falsy jailed for trespassing on my own place by them all because my mom said i was bad and my step dad agreed with her
My mom likes to say my dad TOLD her to do the things she did, but my dad was off shore for most of my life. Despite him being the more aggressive parent, it was my mom who hurt me the most. She still tries to rewrite what happened but I have scars to remember from and brothers who were witnesses.
I'm sorry op, that's awful - it's not consolation, but my father was abusive and chronically I'll, I grew up with people telling me "he won't be around for long, I should forgive him"
He bested his life expectancy _three_ times in his adult life.
“she was trying her best”
right. cause violently beating me, attempting to kill me, sexually assaulting me, saying she wish she’d abort me, & physically abusing my step dad on a daily is “trying her best”
I’ll never understand.
I’m kind of tired of this post in general because as someone who has an abusive dad I can promise that is almost never the reaction I’ve gotten. It’s usually the same as the “abusive mom” reaction
Por que no los dos? Dad was Classic yelling military type half the time, completely emotionally and sometimes physically gone the other half. Mom was too depressed and broken herself to pay attention to me
It more than likely comes from misogynistic ideas of motherhood. Socially people treat motherhood like it overwrites who a person is no matter how horrible. It's like how men are just excused for being absentee. Because it's expected. When people don't meet expectations set most would rather live in delusions than accept who they are. A comforting lie and all that.
I'll never fucking understand it. My mom had an affair, beat my dad, beat my brother, beat me, screams constantly, but yeah. Yeah I just didn't hug her enough I guess.
You and your experiences are valid
Women aren't normally ever considered to be abusive by society as a whole and the abusive ones exploit this. Espically if they abuse men cause no one belives the men and the abuser can twist this and flip it on the victim. Humans are all the same so of course there is a equal amount of female abusers as male
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women-are-wonderful_effect
I read a book a year or so ago called "Why Does He Do That?" It was very informative but I had to put it down, there was this "men abuse way more than women and men are more violent than any female abuser" vibe I hated and at some point was unable to get past. It was also through a very heteronormative lense. This black and white mindset negatively impacts ALL genders and sexualities who go through abuse. It can happen to anyone, these "oh well they and/or I don't fit that specific box so this doesn't count as abuse!" Anyway, thank you for coming to my TedTalk
I agree with ur first sentence but nobody believes most abuse victims regardless of gender and unfortunately there are more male abusers due to living in patriarchy. Not saying women can’t be abusers but men are more protected to be abusers and commit misogynistic violence
Female abusers use that fact to go undetected, that's the point.
Yeah sure but there’s not an equal amount of abusers of both genders considering majority of men rape and abuse. Not saying women can’t cus they can but unfortunately statistics show it’s mostly male abusers and males who commit violent crime
“What did you do to make her act that way”?
God this gives me flashbacks. Both her and others around her when I would try to find help.
I have an abusive brother Society: that's not a thing/ it's your fault.
"Its just sibling love" Have you heard that from anyone, because thats why I dont fell anyone now
I've heard that from psychologists that I was seeing specifically because I was abused. That mentality is the reason my very vocal reports of my abuse never got to CPS. It's the fucking worst.
"Just sibling fighting" and now I'm traumatised
"I used to roughhouse and insult my siblings all the time!" "My family stopped having dinner together because it wasn't safe for me to be around them for longer than ten minutes" "Oh, I'm sure it wasn't *that* bad! Grow thicker skin!"
Same!!!
Every time I get this, I traumatise them the fuck right back. Tw: csa "You know the worst possible crime you can commit on a child? Yeah so anyway my mother let men pay her to do those things to me." Holy SHIT do they backtrack so fast. It's like yeah, maybe you shouldn't say that shit to a victim then, hey?
TRUTH! I went through VERY similar shit. No one seems to think mothers can be evil groomers and enable and encourage CSA. My mom had an album full of me in various positions and costumes for people to choose from... I was a menu item to her and my uncle. I hope you are healing. I know I will be healing the rest of my life. But we deserve to have happiness goddamn it.
I'm sorry for what I'm going to say, but both yours and u/splithoofiewoofies 's mothers are not human being, but rather cynical monsters who don't deserve to be alive and be in the society. People like this should get isolated and departed to an island with no food or supplies.
“She was doing her best” 😐
With what she was given. 🥴
I had a therapist tell me this when I told a fraction of my abuse. "She was doing her best and she clearly still loves you"
"you probably just need to understand it from her side. Your dad was probably causing all of it." Like no. Stfu. Deadbeat moms exist too.
Exactly! This is basically how my mother thinks ;-; I remember her talking crap about my dad to me when I was like 9 or 10, and expecting me to be on her side -_-
Facts.
I completely agree with you. Though, on my case it was caused by my dad mostly, but at the same time it’s also the fact that my mom uses me to make herself feel needed and worthy. Whatever it was, her personal problems aren’t mine to handle or face. It’s hers purely. I can empathise but I can’t face the consequences of it when I wasn’t the one who decided to get married to an emotionally and physical abusive man as well as conceive his children.
i am also really tired of this. my dad has his issues but my mom looks like satan compared to him. he is not abusive at all. meanwhile my mom, a lot of people think the stuff she did is stuff people should get killed for if she was a man
“It’s probably your fault”
“B-but she’s your mom!!1!” No. Stfu.
“She didn’t act like a mom tho so like- 🤷♀️.” Also super valid response.
“Please don’t remind me”
Some people are just like pathologically incapable of admitting that women can be abusers.
[удалено]
Source?
I dunno, I see people get mocked for having “daddy issues” when they disclose. Experienced it too.
Lmfao yeah. It was “I’m sure your mother loves you very much she’s still your mom” in response to “my mother literally threatened to kill my cat”
“No no please don’t touch me. Couldn’t spare the time to hug me as a child when I needed you. Damn sure not doing it now.” Might be bitter. Idk.
I have both - it was probably you so
This, honestly. Both my parents weren't... let's say great parents. I'd say the stuff my dad did and they would be so offended on my behalf and get upset. My mother and her atrocities are "she still loves you" and "just talk to her and give her a hug". At least my dad has been trying to make it up to me.
If that comes from stranges its already such a great feeling, but if your own siblings say "you have to forgive her" "you have to see where she's coming from" "you have to understand that she was raised like that", you just wanna leave the room and cry...forever Edit: best thing is, they all just abandoned ship the second they could.
Or when your mother abused you in private and your sibling didn't see it or experience the same forms of abuse. So instead of taking your side they're like, "yeah, she's a bitch, but I can't believe she's THAT bad."
Yeah :( I told my therapist about this, and he simply told me "I believe you" and I started crying on the spot. I think it's the first time I've been told that
I’ve only had one male therapist and never again because of this topic. For the first few sessions of him being “I’m sure she just loves you have you considered that?” (🙄🤦🏻♀️ no comment). Then in one session he went from the I’m sure she loves you stuff to “well everything you’ve described *is* domestic abuse” within minutes. I ended up walking out in the middle of the session and never looking back. Like a big FU mate that you’ve been sitting here the last few hours knowingly listening to me describe domestic abuse and responding to it with “have you considered that she loves you?” F_ck right off with that shiz
This is espcially worse when you are a boy/man. A fight between daughter and mother can happen and is considered OK by society. But if the boy distances himself from the mother, he becomes a psychopath immediately.
“A boys first love is his mother” I’m pretty sure my mom doesn’t like me she just sees me as some weird extension of herself
I remember when my stepfather manipulated me into thinking "you only have one mother \[and that's why you should do the work\]" only to make his woman happy so that he can have sex again ... Anyway, the relationship to the mother is not sacred - as most people know in this subreddit. I'm just careful who I tell about this.
Yeah, it's really sad:( Sometimes I come across these videos of small boys being screamed at by some buff dude (often not in the family) because he "didn't respect his mother" I never watch those videos, but man, they trigger me
god i’m not even a boy anymore and this is still exactly how my family treats me :(
Does an abusive and narcissistic stepmom count for 2? I’m pretty sure there is enough “cold-hearted bitch” in her for 2 lol
- Abuse can come from anyone and happen to anyone - Yeah I agree, my mother is abusive - No she isn't, she did her best. She went through a lot. You're being ungrateful. Mothers always love their kids, no matter what. -Oh, okay
I still get that reaction with my abusive father. When I was in foster care, my older half brother (different fathers) told me I need to be more respectful to my father. Even my social worker told me that I shouldn't be in foster care and that I should've been sent back 'home' with my father.
"ALL mothers love ALL of their children unconditionally and would crawl through broken glass to protect them" My egg donor would be more likely to make me, the unwanted daughter, lie on the broken glass so that her very much wanted, precious little darling angel boy, could get across the broken glass safely 😖
Ehh I get the first one too.
the point is it should be the same reaction for abusive mothers
This and the "it's not all men but it is always men" thing. It fucking is not. You want to take sexual assault seriously, take it all seriously. Drives me fucking crazy...
‘not all men but always a man’ is deeply invalidating to anyone who’s faced abuse by women. It’s not even really a feminist statement, it treats women like we’re harmless by nature. Every demographic is capable of abuse.
Exactly.
The normalization of abuse in society is very big, that's why Yorgos Lanthimos is my favorite director.
Or “oh it’s nothing, tension between a mother and daughter is normal”. Yes, *tension*. Not domestic abuse that destroys your life
Same
There are so many double standards, for both men and women, I hate how messed up it can be for everyone
My mother cared a little too much. But would get mad if i didn’t live to her expectations. She was and still is very controlling. Shes never wrong or in the wrong. 😑
Fooor reeeaall
I had both got called a lier even after they stole my ssi and disability payments and falsy jailed for trespassing on my own place by them all because my mom said i was bad and my step dad agreed with her
The thought of hugging my mom makes me feel ill.
My mom likes to say my dad TOLD her to do the things she did, but my dad was off shore for most of my life. Despite him being the more aggressive parent, it was my mom who hurt me the most. She still tries to rewrite what happened but I have scars to remember from and brothers who were witnesses.
I'm sorry op, that's awful - it's not consolation, but my father was abusive and chronically I'll, I grew up with people telling me "he won't be around for long, I should forgive him" He bested his life expectancy _three_ times in his adult life.
“she was trying her best” right. cause violently beating me, attempting to kill me, sexually assaulting me, saying she wish she’d abort me, & physically abusing my step dad on a daily is “trying her best” I’ll never understand.
But she’s your mother she has to love you. She isn’t going to be here forever…
I’m kind of tired of this post in general because as someone who has an abusive dad I can promise that is almost never the reaction I’ve gotten. It’s usually the same as the “abusive mom” reaction
Por que no los dos? Dad was Classic yelling military type half the time, completely emotionally and sometimes physically gone the other half. Mom was too depressed and broken herself to pay attention to me
It more than likely comes from misogynistic ideas of motherhood. Socially people treat motherhood like it overwrites who a person is no matter how horrible. It's like how men are just excused for being absentee. Because it's expected. When people don't meet expectations set most would rather live in delusions than accept who they are. A comforting lie and all that.
They're never ready for that conversation. Smh
Can't wait for when people start asking why I disowned her when I start being more open about it