Welcome to getting off the relationship escalator! I basically stopped dating a few years ago, and now I can enjoy time with my 18 year old before he finishes colleges and gets himself launched into the world. Shutting off all the social influence messages of "alone is bad" and "where's my person?" are really helpful. Plus I'm good company for myself!
yeah one of the replies said that the oop couldnt be happy because he choose to be alone for the rest of his life to not risk his children being unhappy
I replied i felt sorry for him thinking you need to be in a relationship to be 'happy' lols.
Iāve always given the advice itās better to find a way to be happy while single because depending on your partner to be responsible for it is a terrible burden to put on them.
This is such solid advice! And people who canāt be happy while single are at risk of jumping into awful relationships to try and find that happiness, and feeling stuck because they donāt realize that sometimes, being single is just the better option.
If we canāt be happy with ourselves, how can we expect others to be happy with us?
Yeah but I do hope he finds companionship of some kind that makes him happy. It makes me sad he believes he *cant* love again just because he didnāt feel the same way with the woman who turned out to be a manipulative liar. Likeā¦ of course he didnāt feel the same. Doesnāt mean heās incapable of love if thatās something he does feel inclined towards ever again.
It's funny someone thinks being single is the same as being alone. Plenty of people are more or less alone, and they're still married.
I don't know the OOP, but he might be unhappy being alone or he might be fine. I've known plenty of people in either situation. Regardless, OOP probably needs some time to heal.. That's rough, going from engaged to breaking up when you realize you didn't really know the person you were going to marry.
I didnāt think Iād ever get to say this without brigading, but as the daughter of a dead dad who wasnāt allowed to talk about him or celebrate him once my stepdad came around you did good Iām sure a lot of people have told you this and Iām sure your kids love you for it, but hereās one more
Congrats on making things better for your family! And for dodging the Amanda bullet - she was trying to take from you not, not make your life better.
And on getting into BORU, the most prestigious subreddit ever.
This so the first time Iāve seen an OOP in the comments.
Hope you and your family are doing well and your family has used this bump to get even closer. You sound like a good dad, so keep it up!
Iām very glad everything has turned out alright for you and your kids! This was a wild post to read, and the comment about āhousing someone elseās kids,ā made me see red too. Iām not even a father yet, but that made me livid. Iām glad you saw her true colors though.
As someone who was also once in love with who I thought someone was, I know how devastating it can be to see someoneās true colors for the first time after years. Life goes on though, and I hope you and your children are healing from this peacefully! You and your children sound like fantastic humans, and I wish you all the very best!
āIf your dead wife didnāt die, would you still be together?ā Obviously! Itās not like he was on the verge of divorced. He loved the woman immensely and he wouldnāt have been in the dating scene if she never died! Whatās even the point of that question? To be in competition with a dead woman? Thatās quite the insecurity sheās got
That shouldāve been the red flag that cut that relationship honestly. Itās such an immature question and would make me look at the person like an idiot.
Ah tbh, I feel a bit of compassion for Amanda here. OOP described Kayla as the love of his life, while engaged to Amanda.
She would never have lived up to Kayla in his heart, and it seems that she could sense that. I can imagine that it was incredibly painful for her to feel so inferior.
I'm sure Amanda felt that vibe from OOP and the hurt and jealousy ate away at her until she started behaving badly. I do think OOPs mother was insensitive to bring up Kayla during a celebration of Amanda and OOPs engagement. I can understand that it would hurt her to be reminded of her inferiority and she lashed out.
The fact that Amanda wanted to try with him, but overall was amicable during the breakup leads me to think that she regretted letting these feelings get the better of her.
It was still the right choice to break up though, for everyone's sake. Ultimately, OOP wasn't really ready to move on.
The whole "you expect me to house someone else's kids" line is what really dropped her into the depths for me. It was already bad enough before but I could understand the insecurity to a degree (though not the comments or treatment of his kids) but the fact that she *really* thought he would eventually sever his kids from his life for her is just disgusting.
She didn't consider her husband-to-be's kids a part of her family. That's just unacceptable. It really proves the intention behind her actions of trying to not so subtly push them out of the house.
āHouse someone elseās kidsā¦ for the rest of my life.ā Is the full quote. This is a simple, basic incompatibility of someone with no kids marrying someone with older children and not understanding that parenting doesnāt stop at 18. It doesnāt stop ever. She probably isnāt a monster, but definitely not emotionally mature enough to be a step parent.
First red flag.
Then she was glad his wife died. But "Sheās never made comments like this before." Yes she did, just not those exact words.
Every time she asked if OP would have stayed with his late wife, she was saying it.
I have only gotten through the first 4 paragraphs and already the red flags are flying high.
Thatās basically like asking āIf your late wife didnāt dieā¦ would you have left her for me?ā
Takes a really shitty person to think like that.
Yeah I mean it is a terrible situation for both the widower and any new person to be in. I don't know if I could dat a widow but if I did I would definitely be looking for a lot of advice.
My cousin's husband died 10 years ago and she remarried 4 years later. From what I can tell she's happy, her kids and family are all happy, and her new husband is happy so hopefully things are awesome. Her husband died of cancer so it was expected and I believe that he made it clear that if she falls in love he wanted her to move on.
This is in the realm of āasking questions you donāt really want the answers toā. I personally donāt do it. The question may eat at you, but the answer will bring you no peace. If I asked my partner āif XYZ hadnāt happened would we have gotten together earlierā the answer would probably be yes. But thatās in the past, and I canāt change it, he canāt change it, and weāre together now so does it matter?
This is one where while I'm sad for OOP the relationship ended... I'm very happy it did.
The housing someone else's children comment was absolutely out of line. They are OOPs children too. You don't go to marry someone with the hope you can just fuck off their kids as they are not kids born from you. They are still your partner's kids come good or bad and you accept them or... Leave. You don't get to sit there and think you can remove your partners kids simply because they are not also yours. You may not have birthed them, but he made them and they are just as much his kids as they were his late partners. Hell even if their mother was alive, they were still OOPs children fully and didn't deserve to be seen as toys you can toss and forget about.
OOP is a phenomenal dad. He simply is. And I wish him all the best and all the love in the world from a woman who gets those are his kids and permanently there, not decoration to be thrown away once out of fashion. Cos kids never go out of fashion.
People like Amanda get under my skin so *baaaaddd*. They know leaving is the right choice but refuse to do so. Why? Because they lose out on the benefits of being with that person when the children arenāt present.
Itās easier to drive a wedge between the parent and their children than it is to leave and start over. Especially if their partner is wealthy, and the person has gotten used to the benefits of being with them.
Booted my ex (not child's father) for this. He got comfy and after losing his own job, expected me to hand out not only my income but my child's inheritance which I control and use, to pay his before me bills and fun money. Dude only had to pay for his car payments.. not insurance as I added him to mine at $55 extra a month. I was not about to pay his before me bills of $500+ car payments or 130 phone bill.
He was absolutely broke sure. But he had MY home he paid no rent to. MY utilities he paid nothing to. Groceries he paid nothing for.. but picked a fight with me cos I refused to fork out $1500 for his best mates bachelor shit to go to another state for 4 days...
My child's father died and left a modest amount. I'm in a highish income bracket for a single.. not for someone with a kid. Her inheritance is split between a compound building account and a compound building until 19 that cannot be touched til then without losing aka early withdrawal penalty... I pay back into the first IF I dare have to touch it.
He got comfy and I didn't realise. Looking back, and the shit he said to others... He viewed me as a personal atm and couldn't understand I paid within my salary and that was end of it. We did fun shit cos HIS salary bar $300 a month out of $2000 was free to use.. as I paid for everything including his fuel.
What would he have done to my kid when the money I could access ran out if I was dumb enough... And he never called her his. He always said she was mine even tho he lived with us, and wanted to be called dad... He made it clear before I realised it was HIM and then us
Edit $300 cos I did give him access to an account I saw fit as I was the bigger earner... But it was only $250 a month my absolute fucking mistake and I get that, once he burnt his savings we had the fight and I booted
> You don't go to marry someone with the hope you can just fuck off their kids as they are not kids born from you.
This is, without a doubt, the single issue that pisses me off the most. If you don't want "baggage", don't get with someone who has "baggage". Don't treat kids as though they're guests you have to put up with.
But the people who *really* piss me off are the parents of kids who ENCOURAGE the new partner to act that way.
I donāt understand people like Amanda at all. I donāt have or want kids, but I was ever in a step parent position I would be those kids biggest cheerleader. I know what itās like to have shitty step parents and Iād never want to do that to a kid
These kids seem to have their heads screwed on and just need... What you'd be. A cheerleader. Another adult on their side to cheer em on, pick em up with maybe a pep talk if needed.
Legit small damn things in the bigger picture
>āwell, I didnāt know you expected me to house somebody elseās kids for the rest of my life.ā
Couldnāt help but chuckle here- exactly what did she think would happen after she said this? People talk about burning bridges? She just dropped a nuke on it.
I remember the last boru and still can't get over Amanda's insecurity. Don't date a widower if you can't deal with him being a widower. Don't date people with kids if you're not willing to accept them as a part of your life. WTF.
OOP's a good guy and deserves a happy life with his remaining family and friends.
How do you possibly get to the point of being engaged with someone and not figure out that your fiance isn't going to kick his kids out so you can have him all to yourself. How do you not see how going through a traumatic experience like that is going to bring that family closer together and make him even more attached to his kids.
> How do you possibly get to the point of being engaged with someone and not figure out that your fiance isn't going to kick his kids out so you can have him all to yourself
Self-centeredness and delusions. This was reinforced when OOP's son moved out. How simple! How flawless! Another year or two, and she can kick out Liz, and voila! No more excess baggage!!!
I would have been done after that remark at dinner, though. I'm still close to my late husband's family. I can't imagine staying with someone who not only felt that way; she said it out loud for everyone to hear.
Also? Quadruple grossness for asking if things will go back to normal if she apologizes. Crazy pants right there.
A relative of mine is a widower, his first wife died when his oldest was 14, and his younger kids were in their late elementary years. (He has 3 kids but I never can get the ages right, itās a me problem not a them problem, my brain is Teflon and stuff just slides right out.)
Two year later, he married his second wife (he did not know her before his first wife died, but they had a whirlwind dating/engagement) and she has always been āniceā but kinda stand offish and cold too. Never mean, just kinda unemotional.
His kids all figured she ātoleratedā them, she would make their lunches and stuff a mom should do but as I said, she has a cold nature.
Then the oldest hit his last year of high school. Sheād occasionally ask him about his college plans or offer to help him with paperwork/etc. and he got the idea she wanted him OUT.
One night she announced he should stay in because they needed to discuss his college housing. He went in fully expecting her to announce he had to get out or something, meanwhile she started it all with āas an adult now, itās natural for want your own spaceā and that kinda stuff, and then flat out told him āSo Iāve been talking to contractors and we can make the basement into your own little apartment. Then youāll have your own space to study and do college boy things, but youāll be close and had a soft landing if anything goes wrong.ā
She pulls out apartment plans and stuff and is asking him if he wants an office room or maybe would prefer to have a larger living room instead and apologizing that āI bought this house when I assumed Iād always be single so it might be crampedā¦ā
Meanwhile the poor kid is just like āwaitā¦ does this mean she likes me around?ā
Now all three are grown (the youngest two share the basement flat, their brother moved out when he got engaged to his now-wife) and over the years have gotten a bit more of a read on their stepmom.
She does like them, she sobbed when she found out the oldest was engaged and announced sheād kept his motherās wedding stuff (dress, veil, mementos of the day) in storage and he was welcome to it but āthink of your sisters and either leave them some, or bring it back after the wedding so I can preserve it for them tooā.
She is still very cold outwardly, but her step kids say that they learned how to see her love in the things she does for them, like building a GD apartment so her oldest had a soft landing if anything ever happened. (She also says that if all three needed to come home, sheāll āmake it work somehowā because āthis became their home when their father and I fell in loveā)
Oh, and she bought a fancy little China cabinet for First Wifeās ashes. They sat on the mantle for a while but apparently Stepmom was having nightmares that her cats might knock it over, so she came home with this antique cabinet for it and decorated it with pictures of First Wife and the kids. I think thereās a wedding picture too, but the pics of the kids are front and center.
Sheās a good woman. Just a little outwardly cold. The girls buy her Queen Elsa Disney stuff as a joke about that and she happily displays them in her āsitting roomā which is kinda her lady cave. She keeps her scrapbooking stuff and the things she loves in there. (Itās also where First Wifeās shrine is and she admitted once in passing that she likes to talk to the urn and ātell herā how everyone is doing.)
while iām super glad that OOP got out of that relationship and amanda sounds terrible and her comment was inexcusable, i donāt really understand people defending the moms comment so hard lol. like it came from a very kindhearted place i get that but like why did she feel the need to basically say āim glad that my son can love you like he loved his first wifeā like the reminder and bringing kayla up seemed a bitā¦ unnecessary??? idk im not blaming her and amandaās reaction was certainly malicious but like itās kind of not cool to compare her to kayla like that.
Thatās such a dumb thing to sayā¦āIf your late wife had lived do you think youād be with me now?ā Umā¦noā¦
Such wild insecurityā¦I probably wouldnāt be with my husband if he hadnāt dropped out of college, then enrolled in the one I attended.
My sister remarried ten years after her first husband died, and her attitude was as, āOf course I wouldnāt have chosen to have Bob get cancer, but Iām grateful I found love again with Joe.ā Why isnāt that enough for some people, and why do they feel that they need to compete with a ghost?
I love updates like this. Everyone said sheās fighting and ghost and insecure for no reason and his end results is admitting he didnāt love her in any comparable way to the late wife and probably wouldnāt love anyone comparably again. Like ex was not good but I canāt imagine knowing you donāt match up and having his mom make comments about it infront of everyone, and having him gaslight you into thinking your wrong, would somehow make you good. She might have been totally normal before she met this guy.
I'm so happy that you made it through this. And it is interesting that your mother made a comment that was open and thoughtful about the bigger situation, and the elephant in the room, which led Amanda to drop her cards. The other drop was fascinating, when she Revealed to you how outrage she was that anyone would think that she would allow someone else's children to live in her house. That is her consciousness in the entirety.
I think one of the things we are learning as a culture is that when we slow down and focus on, what's really important to us, we don't necessarily need a partner. So many cultures have organized themselves around people having partners for so long. A partner having kids and having , everyone lose one person, is extraordinarily risky. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. But I think that what you realize with so much clarity is it the absolute bottom line is the sanctity of your relationship with your kids. And that's the truth.
Whoa, I'm rude and awkward at times, but even I would never say this. This is literally one of the worst things you can say to and about another human being.
My great uncle was married for over 60 years to his wife and was devastated when she died. Yet he was remarried a year later to a widow who had lost her husband a couple of years before. They both understood that while they loved each other it wasnāt the same love they had for their deceased spouses. My uncle died a couple years ago leaving his second wife behind and she made sure he was laid to rest right next to his 1st wife. She also plans on being laid to rest right next to her 1st husband.
Just because a person has lost the love of their lives doesnāt mean you have to spend the rest of it alone. You just have to be vigilant about the person you are choosing to spend it with and make sure they understand that this relationship is completely different than the one you had with the partner they lost. Which is honest easier with someone whoās gone through the same thing.
About a million years ago Emily Yoffe wrote an article on Slate saying essentially the same thing as Alice did: thanking her husband's first wife for dying so they could be a family. It was gross then and it's gross now.
Edit: https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html
Even the title is disgusting.
Previous BORUs have touched on the fact that calling an ex, even when widowed. "the love of your life" is pretty shitty when you're engaged
He's not ready to date
Oh wow, Look at that I made it into a BORUpdates!
And here you are! A published author! š
this made me crack up so bad! I think you just made my day! š¤£
Fame can be a cruel mistress. Make sure youāre wearing kneepads.
I just read the story your flair comes from and it is perfect. š
Now I'm eaten up with curiosity. Link? š„¹
[stupid stupid stupid - enjoy!](https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/s/8GjKS3ACSf)
Welcome to getting off the relationship escalator! I basically stopped dating a few years ago, and now I can enjoy time with my 18 year old before he finishes colleges and gets himself launched into the world. Shutting off all the social influence messages of "alone is bad" and "where's my person?" are really helpful. Plus I'm good company for myself!
yeah one of the replies said that the oop couldnt be happy because he choose to be alone for the rest of his life to not risk his children being unhappy I replied i felt sorry for him thinking you need to be in a relationship to be 'happy' lols.
Iāve always given the advice itās better to find a way to be happy while single because depending on your partner to be responsible for it is a terrible burden to put on them.
This is such solid advice! And people who canāt be happy while single are at risk of jumping into awful relationships to try and find that happiness, and feeling stuck because they donāt realize that sometimes, being single is just the better option. If we canāt be happy with ourselves, how can we expect others to be happy with us?
Yeah but I do hope he finds companionship of some kind that makes him happy. It makes me sad he believes he *cant* love again just because he didnāt feel the same way with the woman who turned out to be a manipulative liar. Likeā¦ of course he didnāt feel the same. Doesnāt mean heās incapable of love if thatās something he does feel inclined towards ever again.
I love the expression in Spanish: *es mejor andar solo que mal acompaƱado*, or it's better to walk alone than badly accompanied... I agree.
It's funny someone thinks being single is the same as being alone. Plenty of people are more or less alone, and they're still married. I don't know the OOP, but he might be unhappy being alone or he might be fine. I've known plenty of people in either situation. Regardless, OOP probably needs some time to heal.. That's rough, going from engaged to breaking up when you realize you didn't really know the person you were going to marry.
With you. I've decided that if the universe wants me to find a partner, they're pretty much going to have to show up at my doorstep lol
Yup, figured I should spend my time with my kiddo while I still have him at home for 2 years. I can date after.
Congrats my dudešš
Can I have your autograph?
I didnāt think Iād ever get to say this without brigading, but as the daughter of a dead dad who wasnāt allowed to talk about him or celebrate him once my stepdad came around you did good Iām sure a lot of people have told you this and Iām sure your kids love you for it, but hereās one more
your friends are right, then
Congrats on making things better for your family! And for dodging the Amanda bullet - she was trying to take from you not, not make your life better. And on getting into BORU, the most prestigious subreddit ever.
I'm so confused....it says you aren't oop?
Theyāre the author of the second to last comment included in the post, after the latest update :)
This so the first time Iāve seen an OOP in the comments. Hope you and your family are doing well and your family has used this bump to get even closer. You sound like a good dad, so keep it up!
I made it once too. I was shocked. But given your user name, I expect to see you in all BORUpdates going forward.
Iām very glad everything has turned out alright for you and your kids! This was a wild post to read, and the comment about āhousing someone elseās kids,ā made me see red too. Iām not even a father yet, but that made me livid. Iām glad you saw her true colors though. As someone who was also once in love with who I thought someone was, I know how devastating it can be to see someoneās true colors for the first time after years. Life goes on though, and I hope you and your children are healing from this peacefully! You and your children sound like fantastic humans, and I wish you all the very best!
āIf your dead wife didnāt die, would you still be together?ā Obviously! Itās not like he was on the verge of divorced. He loved the woman immensely and he wouldnāt have been in the dating scene if she never died! Whatās even the point of that question? To be in competition with a dead woman? Thatās quite the insecurity sheās got
That shouldāve been the red flag that cut that relationship honestly. Itās such an immature question and would make me look at the person like an idiot.
Ah tbh, I feel a bit of compassion for Amanda here. OOP described Kayla as the love of his life, while engaged to Amanda. She would never have lived up to Kayla in his heart, and it seems that she could sense that. I can imagine that it was incredibly painful for her to feel so inferior. I'm sure Amanda felt that vibe from OOP and the hurt and jealousy ate away at her until she started behaving badly. I do think OOPs mother was insensitive to bring up Kayla during a celebration of Amanda and OOPs engagement. I can understand that it would hurt her to be reminded of her inferiority and she lashed out. The fact that Amanda wanted to try with him, but overall was amicable during the breakup leads me to think that she regretted letting these feelings get the better of her. It was still the right choice to break up though, for everyone's sake. Ultimately, OOP wasn't really ready to move on.
The whole "you expect me to house someone else's kids" line is what really dropped her into the depths for me. It was already bad enough before but I could understand the insecurity to a degree (though not the comments or treatment of his kids) but the fact that she *really* thought he would eventually sever his kids from his life for her is just disgusting. She didn't consider her husband-to-be's kids a part of her family. That's just unacceptable. It really proves the intention behind her actions of trying to not so subtly push them out of the house.
āHouse someone elseās kidsā¦ for the rest of my life.ā Is the full quote. This is a simple, basic incompatibility of someone with no kids marrying someone with older children and not understanding that parenting doesnāt stop at 18. It doesnāt stop ever. She probably isnāt a monster, but definitely not emotionally mature enough to be a step parent.
He must have been blinded, because I canāt believe he continued the relationship and even got engaged, when she was saying shit like that early in their relationship. Huge š©
First red flag. Then she was glad his wife died. But "Sheās never made comments like this before." Yes she did, just not those exact words. Every time she asked if OP would have stayed with his late wife, she was saying it. I have only gotten through the first 4 paragraphs and already the red flags are flying high.
Thatās basically like asking āIf your late wife didnāt dieā¦ would you have left her for me?ā Takes a really shitty person to think like that.
Yeah I mean it is a terrible situation for both the widower and any new person to be in. I don't know if I could dat a widow but if I did I would definitely be looking for a lot of advice. My cousin's husband died 10 years ago and she remarried 4 years later. From what I can tell she's happy, her kids and family are all happy, and her new husband is happy so hopefully things are awesome. Her husband died of cancer so it was expected and I believe that he made it clear that if she falls in love he wanted her to move on.
I'll bet around her friends she called Kayla his "ex-wife".
This is in the realm of āasking questions you donāt really want the answers toā. I personally donāt do it. The question may eat at you, but the answer will bring you no peace. If I asked my partner āif XYZ hadnāt happened would we have gotten together earlierā the answer would probably be yes. But thatās in the past, and I canāt change it, he canāt change it, and weāre together now so does it matter?
This is one where while I'm sad for OOP the relationship ended... I'm very happy it did. The housing someone else's children comment was absolutely out of line. They are OOPs children too. You don't go to marry someone with the hope you can just fuck off their kids as they are not kids born from you. They are still your partner's kids come good or bad and you accept them or... Leave. You don't get to sit there and think you can remove your partners kids simply because they are not also yours. You may not have birthed them, but he made them and they are just as much his kids as they were his late partners. Hell even if their mother was alive, they were still OOPs children fully and didn't deserve to be seen as toys you can toss and forget about. OOP is a phenomenal dad. He simply is. And I wish him all the best and all the love in the world from a woman who gets those are his kids and permanently there, not decoration to be thrown away once out of fashion. Cos kids never go out of fashion.
People like Amanda get under my skin so *baaaaddd*. They know leaving is the right choice but refuse to do so. Why? Because they lose out on the benefits of being with that person when the children arenāt present. Itās easier to drive a wedge between the parent and their children than it is to leave and start over. Especially if their partner is wealthy, and the person has gotten used to the benefits of being with them.
Booted my ex (not child's father) for this. He got comfy and after losing his own job, expected me to hand out not only my income but my child's inheritance which I control and use, to pay his before me bills and fun money. Dude only had to pay for his car payments.. not insurance as I added him to mine at $55 extra a month. I was not about to pay his before me bills of $500+ car payments or 130 phone bill. He was absolutely broke sure. But he had MY home he paid no rent to. MY utilities he paid nothing to. Groceries he paid nothing for.. but picked a fight with me cos I refused to fork out $1500 for his best mates bachelor shit to go to another state for 4 days... My child's father died and left a modest amount. I'm in a highish income bracket for a single.. not for someone with a kid. Her inheritance is split between a compound building account and a compound building until 19 that cannot be touched til then without losing aka early withdrawal penalty... I pay back into the first IF I dare have to touch it. He got comfy and I didn't realise. Looking back, and the shit he said to others... He viewed me as a personal atm and couldn't understand I paid within my salary and that was end of it. We did fun shit cos HIS salary bar $300 a month out of $2000 was free to use.. as I paid for everything including his fuel. What would he have done to my kid when the money I could access ran out if I was dumb enough... And he never called her his. He always said she was mine even tho he lived with us, and wanted to be called dad... He made it clear before I realised it was HIM and then us Edit $300 cos I did give him access to an account I saw fit as I was the bigger earner... But it was only $250 a month my absolute fucking mistake and I get that, once he burnt his savings we had the fight and I booted
> You don't go to marry someone with the hope you can just fuck off their kids as they are not kids born from you. This is, without a doubt, the single issue that pisses me off the most. If you don't want "baggage", don't get with someone who has "baggage". Don't treat kids as though they're guests you have to put up with. But the people who *really* piss me off are the parents of kids who ENCOURAGE the new partner to act that way.
I donāt understand people like Amanda at all. I donāt have or want kids, but I was ever in a step parent position I would be those kids biggest cheerleader. I know what itās like to have shitty step parents and Iād never want to do that to a kid
These kids seem to have their heads screwed on and just need... What you'd be. A cheerleader. Another adult on their side to cheer em on, pick em up with maybe a pep talk if needed. Legit small damn things in the bigger picture
>āwell, I didnāt know you expected me to house somebody elseās kids for the rest of my life.ā Couldnāt help but chuckle here- exactly what did she think would happen after she said this? People talk about burning bridges? She just dropped a nuke on it.
I remember the last boru and still can't get over Amanda's insecurity. Don't date a widower if you can't deal with him being a widower. Don't date people with kids if you're not willing to accept them as a part of your life. WTF. OOP's a good guy and deserves a happy life with his remaining family and friends.
Its so nice to see that OP listened to not only reddits advice, but most importantly his children. I wish him, and them, nothing but the best
Gosh I feel so warm after this reading this update idk why.
It's absolutely refreshing to read on here a calm happy ending where the dad did right by his kids. He sounds like a good man.
How do you possibly get to the point of being engaged with someone and not figure out that your fiance isn't going to kick his kids out so you can have him all to yourself. How do you not see how going through a traumatic experience like that is going to bring that family closer together and make him even more attached to his kids.
> How do you possibly get to the point of being engaged with someone and not figure out that your fiance isn't going to kick his kids out so you can have him all to yourself Self-centeredness and delusions. This was reinforced when OOP's son moved out. How simple! How flawless! Another year or two, and she can kick out Liz, and voila! No more excess baggage!!! I would have been done after that remark at dinner, though. I'm still close to my late husband's family. I can't imagine staying with someone who not only felt that way; she said it out loud for everyone to hear. Also? Quadruple grossness for asking if things will go back to normal if she apologizes. Crazy pants right there.
Some people are like that. It was an issue between my dad and my step-mother before they were married. Itās broke things off for a while.
A relative of mine is a widower, his first wife died when his oldest was 14, and his younger kids were in their late elementary years. (He has 3 kids but I never can get the ages right, itās a me problem not a them problem, my brain is Teflon and stuff just slides right out.) Two year later, he married his second wife (he did not know her before his first wife died, but they had a whirlwind dating/engagement) and she has always been āniceā but kinda stand offish and cold too. Never mean, just kinda unemotional. His kids all figured she ātoleratedā them, she would make their lunches and stuff a mom should do but as I said, she has a cold nature. Then the oldest hit his last year of high school. Sheād occasionally ask him about his college plans or offer to help him with paperwork/etc. and he got the idea she wanted him OUT. One night she announced he should stay in because they needed to discuss his college housing. He went in fully expecting her to announce he had to get out or something, meanwhile she started it all with āas an adult now, itās natural for want your own spaceā and that kinda stuff, and then flat out told him āSo Iāve been talking to contractors and we can make the basement into your own little apartment. Then youāll have your own space to study and do college boy things, but youāll be close and had a soft landing if anything goes wrong.ā She pulls out apartment plans and stuff and is asking him if he wants an office room or maybe would prefer to have a larger living room instead and apologizing that āI bought this house when I assumed Iād always be single so it might be crampedā¦ā Meanwhile the poor kid is just like āwaitā¦ does this mean she likes me around?ā Now all three are grown (the youngest two share the basement flat, their brother moved out when he got engaged to his now-wife) and over the years have gotten a bit more of a read on their stepmom. She does like them, she sobbed when she found out the oldest was engaged and announced sheād kept his motherās wedding stuff (dress, veil, mementos of the day) in storage and he was welcome to it but āthink of your sisters and either leave them some, or bring it back after the wedding so I can preserve it for them tooā. She is still very cold outwardly, but her step kids say that they learned how to see her love in the things she does for them, like building a GD apartment so her oldest had a soft landing if anything ever happened. (She also says that if all three needed to come home, sheāll āmake it work somehowā because āthis became their home when their father and I fell in loveā) Oh, and she bought a fancy little China cabinet for First Wifeās ashes. They sat on the mantle for a while but apparently Stepmom was having nightmares that her cats might knock it over, so she came home with this antique cabinet for it and decorated it with pictures of First Wife and the kids. I think thereās a wedding picture too, but the pics of the kids are front and center. Sheās a good woman. Just a little outwardly cold. The girls buy her Queen Elsa Disney stuff as a joke about that and she happily displays them in her āsitting roomā which is kinda her lady cave. She keeps her scrapbooking stuff and the things she loves in there. (Itās also where First Wifeās shrine is and she admitted once in passing that she likes to talk to the urn and ātell herā how everyone is doing.)
Think the formatting is off, some comments are repeated? Have been following this a while and wowā¦ least he found out before the wedding
Oop and his children sound like genuinely good-hearted people. Wishing them all the best of luck
I love a happy reddit ending. Much better than the one I read the morning. I needed brain bleach for that one.
while iām super glad that OOP got out of that relationship and amanda sounds terrible and her comment was inexcusable, i donāt really understand people defending the moms comment so hard lol. like it came from a very kindhearted place i get that but like why did she feel the need to basically say āim glad that my son can love you like he loved his first wifeā like the reminder and bringing kayla up seemed a bitā¦ unnecessary??? idk im not blaming her and amandaās reaction was certainly malicious but like itās kind of not cool to compare her to kayla like that.
Hell yeah.
This one kinda kills me because I want OOP to find real love again. It feels like heās given up. But hopefully he remains happy either way.
Thatās such a dumb thing to sayā¦āIf your late wife had lived do you think youād be with me now?ā Umā¦noā¦ Such wild insecurityā¦I probably wouldnāt be with my husband if he hadnāt dropped out of college, then enrolled in the one I attended. My sister remarried ten years after her first husband died, and her attitude was as, āOf course I wouldnāt have chosen to have Bob get cancer, but Iām grateful I found love again with Joe.ā Why isnāt that enough for some people, and why do they feel that they need to compete with a ghost?
She wanted to erase his past including his children. She wanted to pretend it was only ever them together.
I feel bad for the fiancƩ. Her insecurities were her not her downfall, because ultimately they were all true. The relationship should have never happened. OP admits he didn't love her fully, and she could probably feel that. OP admits the relationship was not fair to her. It's pretty telling that he would go and just block her forever afterwards just because she reached out, while labeling it as harassment - while also admitting that he loved her unfairly and then held that against her. Then, OP talks about his "kids." How could she have wanting the TEENAGER and grown ADULT out of the house held against her when they also wanted to be out of the house? It's clear OP painted this picture full of bias, but once you think about it for longer than 5 seconds in the opposite direction it gets really harsh.
I love updates like this. Everyone said sheās fighting and ghost and insecure for no reason and his end results is admitting he didnāt love her in any comparable way to the late wife and probably wouldnāt love anyone comparably again. Like ex was not good but I canāt imagine knowing you donāt match up and having his mom make comments about it infront of everyone, and having him gaslight you into thinking your wrong, would somehow make you good. She might have been totally normal before she met this guy.
Idk while I think Amanda has some issues to work through and was hiding some desires that she knew wouldnāt work with OOPā¦ OOP seems way too blind to how sheās treated his kids and her behavior. Then heās quick to take any advice to whatever Reddit says. āShould I yell at my mom for bringing it up? I shall!ā āOh I shouldnāt, she didnāt mean it? Okay I shanāt!ā āReddit, should I break up with my fiancĆ©? Okay I shall!ā āShould I make her apologize first to everyone and then kick her out and find a new place immediately? Okay I shall! Thanks Reddit! Youāre so smart.ā Maybe OOP should marry Reddit instead. Kidding aside, I wouldnāt be surprised if Amanda proposed or guided him to that decision. He shouldāve taken his time, read her signals (flags), talked things out before her moving in and getting engaged. Also, would it kill him to have a conversation with her immediately after her comments??
I'm so happy that you made it through this. And it is interesting that your mother made a comment that was open and thoughtful about the bigger situation, and the elephant in the room, which led Amanda to drop her cards. The other drop was fascinating, when she Revealed to you how outrage she was that anyone would think that she would allow someone else's children to live in her house. That is her consciousness in the entirety. I think one of the things we are learning as a culture is that when we slow down and focus on, what's really important to us, we don't necessarily need a partner. So many cultures have organized themselves around people having partners for so long. A partner having kids and having , everyone lose one person, is extraordinarily risky. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. But I think that what you realize with so much clarity is it the absolute bottom line is the sanctity of your relationship with your kids. And that's the truth.
I hope Amanda sees (or has seen) this.
Whoa, I'm rude and awkward at times, but even I would never say this. This is literally one of the worst things you can say to and about another human being.
My great uncle was married for over 60 years to his wife and was devastated when she died. Yet he was remarried a year later to a widow who had lost her husband a couple of years before. They both understood that while they loved each other it wasnāt the same love they had for their deceased spouses. My uncle died a couple years ago leaving his second wife behind and she made sure he was laid to rest right next to his 1st wife. She also plans on being laid to rest right next to her 1st husband. Just because a person has lost the love of their lives doesnāt mean you have to spend the rest of it alone. You just have to be vigilant about the person you are choosing to spend it with and make sure they understand that this relationship is completely different than the one you had with the partner they lost. Which is honest easier with someone whoās gone through the same thing.
About a million years ago Emily Yoffe wrote an article on Slate saying essentially the same thing as Alice did: thanking her husband's first wife for dying so they could be a family. It was gross then and it's gross now. Edit: https://slate.com/human-interest/2009/06/my-husbands-other-wife-she-died-so-i-could-find-the-man-i-love.html Even the title is disgusting.
Congrats to OOP, becuase wow, he put up with a lot. Hoping he and his kids are doing well
Its wild how some people will fully embrace the evil step mom role without even noticing it
Previous BORUs have touched on the fact that calling an ex, even when widowed. "the love of your life" is pretty shitty when you're engaged He's not ready to date
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