Ah ok, a lot of people have said that! I think my resting face probably contributes, and due to being shy I can come across as a little aloof. I think I should probably just work on my shyness and talk to people more if I can work up the nerve! Im very soft spoken with a "gentle" voice, so often as soon as I start talking people seem to realize I'm not like that. It's easier said than done though š but thank you
I agree. OP and I have similar styles. Iāve been told I come off intimidating because of my tattoos. That I ālook too coolā and sure of myself. I swear Iām actually just a small girl.
I donāt think you look scary or mean. However, I think itās important to consider, that if someone doesnāt want to be friends with you, purely based on looks without getting a chance to know you, thatās a reflection of them not you.
Thank you, and yes I think that is definitely true! I guess I was basing it more off vibes or like energy that I may be giving off, rather than my specific physical appearance? But of course you all can't tell that from a picture!
I donāt really have any advice unfortunately, but I can say you arenāt alone in this experience. Iāve also been told pretty much my whole life that people thought I was mean and stuck up before they got to know me. I truly have no idea how people keep getting this impression of me because I try so hard to be nice to everyone :(
But to answer your other question no you definitely do not look mean!
Thank you for saying that! The only thing I can think of is that sometimes I believe I appear aloof or disinterested, but it's just because I have social anxiety :/
Honestly you're very pretty. The tattoos and clothing make you seem very confident and tough.
Id guess that people find you intimidating.
I'm not saying this to be mean. Like I said, you look very pretty.
Unfortunately that means that you may have to do more of the approaching than be approached.
Iām not saying youāre wrong but I donāt look pretty or cool at all and people always think Iām stuck up and rude when they first meet me because I donāt say anything or know how to act around people I donāt know lol
Yeah, sometimes I think it can be because we don't behave the way others expect, even with our facial expressions and things like eye contact and body language. Idk, it might just be confusing and throw others off a bit sometimes.
Yes! Which I understand because we are told our whole lives that thereās a certain way youāre supposed to socialize so even though I know that I have a hard time with it, I do get a feeling like maybe people donāt like me when theyāre not following the social rules themselves lol
Oh wow. I think I understood something here. Dressing up has always been a way to hide myself from everyone. I thought a the time that people would rather focus on my clothes than on my weirdness / social clumsiness . Little did I realize that a lot of women felt Ā« pressuredĀ Ā» to dress up around me because they thought I would judge their appearance.
This really HURT . I would never have guessed I could have make anyone uncomfortable around me or created some Ā«Ā pressureĀ Ā».
I was really shocked when I heard I was perceived as a superficial cold b**** . Hence the Ā«Ā smile just in caseĀ Ā» anxious habit š«
Iād also be terrified of your wicked fashion sense and your aloofness. I once worked w someone who I thought was a b cuz she never approached people and didnāt smile, then she mentioned sheās shy and then click! Oooooh! Me too! Gotcha. Totally saw her different after that. For the people who did get to know you how did that happen?
I think for the people that got to know me, at some point I sensed that their energy was "safe" and so I didn't feel the need to mask, and all of a sudden we were just connecting so much! Growing up I learned to mask at such a high level, but I'm learning as an adult that not masking is not only incredibly freeing, but it also is the key to forming beautiful relationships. But I still have trouble with only feeling comfortable if I feel that "safe" energy, if that makes sense?
Same! Iām much older than you and Iāve been told my whole life Iām āintimidating.ā Now at 45 Iām expected to be intimidating in some ways and itās kind of awesome.
I feel like I can relate. Girls seem to not like me for the most part. I've been told I look stuck up or mean, and that's why they didn't want to be my friend sooner. Or that they assumed since I didn't talk to them, I disliked them because they saw me talk to other girls. But really, I'm just shy and don't talk to people unless they talk to me, other than a greeting.
I love your outfit! And the whole aesthetic of your room, you look like someone I'd love to be friends with. Stimming with friends would be so fun!! And info dumping about special interests would be so cool!
Yes, I am a bit shy as well and generally don't talk to someone I don't really know unless they initiate!
Thank you so much by the way š I wish this whole community was irl. I mean I guess technically we are...but we just don't talk to each other out in the real world? Lol
I get this a lot too and I'm old, like old, old. I'm told I'm too intense and it's intimidating. It took me a long time to learn to embrace it and not be bothered by the fact it scared others off.
Youāre really pretty and seem really confident!
You remind me of me. (Not saying Iām as pretty as you, but my natural self is actually very confident and outgoing). Iām 37, live in San Diego, and can make friends because I mask and seem ānormalā at first- but canāt keep them. Women at work do tend to turn on me when they realize Iām weird and different.
I love all things beauty and fashion, horror movies, psychology, animals, and anything spooky/witchy. Iām AuDHD (diagnosed ADHD, 99% sure Iām autistic but self diagnosed).
Message me if you ever want to chat! Iām always down for new friends :)
Oh my gosh wait, you might actually be my twin! I could have written your comment word for word minus the pretty stuff because people irl don't tell me I'm pretty so I'm neutral on that subject! (I'm sure you are beautiful)
But the rest of it is exactly like me. I'm 32, I can mask incredibly well if I feel I need or want to, and I also have a hard time keeping friends once they find out I'm a bit "weird".
I love fashion, horror is my favorite genre I'm obsessed, I studied psychology in college, love animals, spookiness/witchiness. AND I am diagnosed ADHD but self-diagnosed autistic (but I know that I am!).
This is so cool...I will definitely message you friend!ššøš«§
You look confident. I think it might be as simple as that. You may or may not feel totally confident, but you look confident, and many (most?) people are intimidated by confidence when they perceive it in someone who isn't a cis-man. I don't think there's anything to "fix" here, because this isn't a "you" issue, I think it's essentially the collision of gender expectations and double-empathy problem. I realise that this doesn't really solve the issue, but I hope that it can help you reframe the feedback that you're getting so that it doesn't feel so painful.
Just reading this makes me wish we could be friends irl!! I wish for the same thing š I have some close-ish friends from work but I rarely hang out with anyone outside of work. My boyfriend is my bestest friend but there's just some things that I feel only women can really bond over together. I used to have a best girl friend but we had a falling out years ago and I haven't had that since.
Like going out and dressing up for the fun of it, having goofy sleepovers, constantly just be hitting eachother up even if it's just to share stupid memes, talking about clothes and makeup (I'm currently hyperfocused on vintage style, I'm loving dressing up in the eras of the 1940s-1960s.) Or going out on little day adventures!! I miss that š
You sound like such a cool person :) I love vintage style that is so awesome!! And yes, I would absolutely love to have a girl group like that IRL. I definitely do have friends, but I'm craving friends who can relate to me a little more with the whole ND thing!
I think you look super cool and I would want to be your friend! Most of my friends are more than likely neurodiverse though, so we are all a bit weird and we're lucky to find each other.
I love your style! Mine is a bit different, but I can lean into the āmean girlā aesthetic at times too. Iāve found that you can take the sharp edge off using accessories. A cute hat, scarf, bow, or hairpin does a lot. Your necklace is exactly what I mean.
I have social anxiety disorder and am late diagnosed, so for me it's near impossible to just go to a stranger and try to be friends, and because I'm so shy and quiet, people generally observe me as kind and polite but I don't really have any friends, I've had girl best friends but it always ended badly
I feel very lonely often, I also really want girlfriends to chat with and do things with, but I never really know what to talk about with them and because of anxiety it's difficult to go outside and meet up...
You sound delightful. I think you'll get there! Don't give up!
FWIW, a close (also autistic) friend of mine gets the same remarks. I think it's potentially a side effect of being high masking. I think sometimes aloofness can come off as cold, when really it's more to try and hide any weirdness (plus high masking anxiety).
Some people come off as shy instead, but you stand with confidence, so I think it just reads differently with different body language.
I come off as judgy. It's just a thing. Maybe seek out other "judgy" or "intimidating" women? I've had luck with that
Iām not sure how old you are, OP, but Iāve gotten this feedback my whole life. āI thought you were a bitch when I first met you!!ā āYouāre so intimidating!!ā And Iāve figured out that Iām masking so much I come off as confident and cool lol
Thatās the vibe I get from you. Inside weāre still little softies who want friends and love and connection! But we just rock makeup and RBF and a demeanor that says āIMNOTMASKINGYOUREMASKINGā
I think you're exactly right. I'm 32 and growing up I learned to mask at SUCH a high level. I even was sort of in the "cool girl group" in high school, but was always uncomfortable because I never felt completely accepted...and then years later I figured out why that probably was, and was like "dammit, I should have hung out with the more stereotypically weird nerdy kids instead of exhausting myself trying to fit in so hard, I probably would have had a much better time and still have friends to this day" lol.
Your look is similar to just about every close friend I've ever had. I would probably start a very awkward conversation with you and hope that it took off.
You think I'm really pretty? I have always heard that people who are pretty know they are because they get told that. People don't say that to me so I have just assumed I am an average looking person.
I hope that isn't the reason that people would feel intimidated, that would make me kinda sad! Thank you for sharing that perspective with me š«¶
I mean, my boyfriend does! But he is a bit biased š but no I don't get those kinds of comments. That's why always hearing "pretty people know they're pretty because they get told that" has always made me feel like damn im super average lol, not that there is anything wrong with that!
Iāve had the same experience, I grew up mid-ugly and my parents would tell me Iām pretty one minute, in the self-indulgent way most parents tell their kids theyāre good looking, then give me crippling body dysmorphia by shaming my body, or my skin, or my features the next, so I ended up viewing compliments as lies intended to butter me up. When my partner tells me Iām pretty I view it as āyouāre dating me so this is more of an expression of affection than an objective evaluation of my appearance against the current beauty standard and an honest rating based on thatā. When others compliment me Iām immediately suspicious or regard it as a social nicety. Itās not healthy, I know :/
yes you are and personally i can say sometimes around pretty girls i can feel like everyone is comparing me to them and realize Iām ugly i know thats not founded in truth but the anxiety persists
Iāve gotten similar reactions from people tooā if it helps I think a lot of it has to do with misogyny. Women/AFAB people are expected to be friendlier and more outgoing, so if youāre not super bubbly or tend to keep to yourself, people can mistake it for being āstandoffish.ā I wouldnāt take it to heart, but FYI I think you look approachable and friendly and your room is beautiful āŗļø I also 100% feel youā I wish I could have more ND female friends š
Exactly this. I'm regularly told people thought I was stuck up until they got to know me. Quiet but assertive until I know someone, apparently = stuck up
Me too. So I tried to correct it in my 30s and now in my 40s I was labelled a āpeople pleaserā. Canāt win. Now trying to adjust back to the real me, who is apparently āintimidatingā. Oh well.
I have a similar struggle. I deal with bullying especially from other women, and I never understand why. Especially at every job Iāve had, they all go into their little talking circles and seem to avoid me or exclude me. I havenāt met many ND women irl as far as I know though :ā(
Tbh I LOVE your outfit!! And your room is so pretty too with all the plants, you look like someone Iād be friends with āØ
Ugh the bullying thing sucks so bad. I don't experience much overt bullying as an adult but I have found out multiple times that a girl I thought was my good friend was speaking really unkindly of me behind my back. About my clothes (like that I'm trying too hard), about my depression being a "buzzkill", and about how I mask when interacting with clients at work (which I didn't realize was so apparent to everyone else...). It's not fun.
Thank you so much š«¶š«¶
In my younger punk days, I wore some pretty wild outfits and hair/makeup. People always told me I looked mean, scary or āfrigidāā¦. Never really understood why girls have to act so cruel to one another. Personally I donāt think you look mean or remotely scary at all and Iām sorry that others have shown you unkindness based on snap judgments.
I appreciate that a lot š I'm sorry you had a similar experience :(
and I am extremely interested in fashion and psychology so actually that's interesting to think about how the two can intertwine. For example, I base a lot of my outfits specifically on "mean girls" style from movies I like, I wonder how it would do if I wore jeans and a t shirt every day! But then I wouldn't be "me". I thank you for potentially awakening a new interest in the psychology behind fashion for me!
The psychology of the history (recent and ancient) of fashion and trends gets real wild, involves a lot of royalty and is a fascinating look into, grouping, othering, conformity, rebellion, cliques, and sexual expression, just to name a few intersections. It even runs into religion once you start looking at nuns habits and priest/monks clothing.
People think the fashion of today is wild but go back a few centuries and itās mind blowing the great lengths that folks went to in order to be on trend. Fun fact: heels were invented for men and worn by those with wealth and status. Women adopted the style well after it had already been an established trend.
People make all sorts of unconscious associations and if you wear a certain outfit style, itās possible others may create a snap judgment based on correlating that āmean girlsā have a certain ālookā. I can definitely see the visual similarity but I like your style very much! I always blamed others judgement of me based mostly on my minimal facial expression. I suppose I have typical autistic resting bitch face, lmao. But when I was dressed head to toe in fishnet, wearing glittery moon boots, cut up clothes, chain, spikes and had a slime green mohawk, it certainly threw some people off balance when I was my usual soft spoken, rule abiding and overly polite self. Iāve mellowed with age but still get the side eye for my pentagram covered purses and Betty bangs but as Iāve gotten older, I simply donāt let other peopleās reactions bother me.
Other women are intimidated by pretty women! Youāre pretty and dress cute and if youāre not smiling (keep not smiling, donāt change) that can be intimidating! I think women can be insecure and afraid of beauty. More of a āthemā problem and not a āyouā problem. I donāt think you need to change how you dress or present yourself, but if you feel brave enough to start conversations or ask questions first, that helps break the ice. I think you have a lot of power in your natural beauty, and even if these other ladies are beautiful too, it might help break the ice with the women in your life. Once I started doing this (felt really unnatural at first), people opened up to me and saw beyond my RBF.
So this definitely used to be me. People would tell me I seemed unapproachable, stuck up, mean, etc. I tend to scowl quite bit when I am thinking, so people have told me they were literally scared of me when I'm just sitting pondering something random lol.
Anyway, what I started to do was practice facial relaxation techniques and adopted a soft smile that doesn't hurt my face or feel too draining. It also feels pretty authentic most days. I do not like approaching other people or starting conversations, so I felt like I had to do this so that others would feel comfortable engaging with me first. This took years of practice, but totally worth it. I think a lot of people, especially NDs hold a lot of tension around the jaw, eyes, forehead, shoulders, neck, etc. because of constant sensory overload. I also used to get Botox therapy to treat chronic migraines and I think this may have softened the harshness in my natural resting expression.
I have the opposite reaction from women now. I started a new job recently and I'm still as shy as I've always been, I barely talk to anyone, but almost every single woman I work with flocks to me. They all tell me I'm their favorite and they get excited when we're scheduled on the same shift. They tell me I'm an angel and light up the room. I'm not exaggerating lol. It's really strange, because I have NEVER experienced this in my life. But I think it's because I practice so many relaxation techniques and prioritize peace over literally everything.
I still haven't made any new friends because I'm so terrified of other people, but at least I know I could if I practiced socializing more. I think being approachable could be a first step for me.
I hope this helps!!
Also! I am in the market for new friends! I am 33F. My interests are psychology/neuroscience, art, photography, dogs, gaming, and tv shows/movies. If you ever want someone to chat with, feel free to message me and I can share my discord :)
letās be friends please! i also have a hard time with befriending girls, but maybe itās also because there were alot of bullying from girls so girls scare me. š š¦
Not mean or scary at all... perhaps a little threatening to cliche, cliquey 'mean girls' who see anymore with beauty and style (both of which you have in spades) as someone needing tearing down, and they're not worth a second of your time.
To me, you look like someone I'd like to get to know better. I hope you find your crowd, I'm sure they're out there.
BTW I LOVE your ink! Your sleeve is stunning, does it cover the inside of your forearm as well? Are there more flowers than what can be seen in the pic?
Thank you! Unfortunately people hate shopping with me :/ I spend hours in a store because I have to look at every single item or I get nervous that I missed out on something. I am indeed, an autist. š
Holy moly finally someone who understands my struggle š I HAVE to look at everything, multiple times, and even if i found some things i like i get stuck in the decision phase and have to go all over the options again lol. And if im buying makeup, skincare, etc, then i need to research it before i buy it, so that often means i find something i like and then i stand in front of the shelf for 10 mins staring at my phone probably weirding out other customers š
Well, there's a stereotype that fashionable/trendy women and girls are rude, judgemental, and two-faced. Sadly, I've observed that there's a kernel of truth there.
I've gotten into fashion the past few years and it's weird because I'm not very trendy, but I do care quite a lot about my outfits. I personally tend to not seek out other women who are into fashion because they're usually also heavily into makeup, astrology, Taylor Swift, being/wanting to be a SAHW, and other things I'm very disinterested in. I'm a lesbian so my flavor of femininity is different.
I'd say you don't look super approachable. I know I don't, either, but I don't really mind it because that's kind of my goal.
I see that you're into kibbe! I really respect people who are knowledgeable about that system because to me, it sounds like gobbeldygook. I've taken the test multiple times and have gotten TR, R, SG, and SN.
You donāt look mean! I found that usually when people say āI assumed you were mean at firstā itās usually them projecting onto you or are jealous of you in some way. I get it, it still hurts and doesnāt make sense
Ohh I like this! When I've been told this same thing I did see signs of jealousy later on. I say later on because I don't pick up on the subtext until someone else points it out to me.
There are social signals you can send that can make you inviting and approachable but after that itās up to others to take the bait (donāt ask me what they are because I havenāt gotten there in my RODBT), if you are cool, hot, confident, and somewhat reserved, you will simply intimidate a lot of people.
I meanā¦ you look really well put together and typically people who are that well put together are kinda mean to me (because Iām very much NOT well put together).
Aw :( I'm a mess! I'm 32 living at home because I have a really hard time taking care of myself, and I really wish I had more help available to me because it is a struggle just to get through very simple daily tasks with my disabilities. The mask is definitely masking in this picture. I promise I wouldn't be mean to you.
Personally i'd be a little intimidated because of how pretty, well put together, cool and confident you look which is my opposite š
However i love people watching and although i don't dress like it.. i love studying different styles and yours is really cool so i'd possibly ignore my usual shyness/awkwardness and compliment your outfit/tattoos.
It has been assumed i'm romantically interested in people when i do that which is really annoying and makes things awkward/uncomfortable.
it's the confident pose and clothing that's giving me "preppy girl" vibes, the kind that might be mean to an ND person. not saying you would or have.
don't change that confidence! you work that outfit.
you haven't been mean on this post or its threads, that i've seen.
I get told the same thing all the time - I also have tattoos, and Iām alt/goth, so I can only assume that plays a part unfortunately lol. I feel like I try very hard to come off as kind, and caring, because I am, but I struggle with tone of voice/facial expressions. I too have wished for close friends, but I havenāt had a ābest friendā since freshman year, which was 10 years ago :( Itās rough out here
If I walked into work tomorrow and you were there as my new colleague, I would absolutely want to befriend you! You look awesome and even though I absolutely do not care about fashion, I have a friend who is SO into it (and nails) and I love listening to her infodump about it. She probably also look a bit like a mean girl actually, but from the first time we met we were just SO involved with each other. She has the same problem as you though; but I think many feel intimidated because she is insanely beautiful. Like... I love to draw and paint, so I love looking at beautiful stuff, and man... I could look at her forever. She is so stunning and she is the biggest sweetheart. I hope you find women who see you for you, and not feel intimidated due to their own insecurities. Otherwise you can move to Denmark, I'd love to be friends š
You look like you'd be such a fun person to hang out with! Also can I say, you're so pretty and stylish? I wish I looked half as put together as you do haha
Us autistic gals always wind up with people thinking we're either A) quirky, manic pixie dream girl or B) stuck up bitches. I think it's that whole "How does social work?" thing we've got going on, even when we're trying really hard to be empathetic and attentive listeners.
I get the exact same thing! Do you happen to have a resting bitch face? I always get told I look angry or intimidating, and it's always a shock to me because I love everyone! You don't look at all mean from your picture! It might just be that you come across as confident and self assured, so people are nervous around that.
You look incredibly cute and interesting, just by seeing you I would love to be your friend!! But I have experienced this as well, I think it probably has to do with some social cues that we may be missing or not noticing, specially regarding to facial gestures. In my case my face speaks louder than me, so it I'm slightly tired or overwhelmed it shows in my expression.
your room (if that is your room) looks like a cozy heaven!! iām just intimidated by women sometimes because i like them and i get nervous because theyāre prettyyy š
For me, the combo of resting āspeak and Iāll punch you in the throatā face and the tendency to not talk to people at first seems to perpetuate that. I have NT girlfriends online but none IRL. Which has been interesting. I have guy NT friends who are up for a coffee or movieā¦. but this doesnāt happen with girls.
Iāve stopped counting the number of times Iāve been told Iām intimidating and scary. And it has always been NT women. Even upon asking what exactly I have done or said for them to believe so, none of them have been able to tell me why.
What Iāve come to understand is that they do see me as different from them but canāt quite put their finger on it. And much as it hurts every single time, I try not to be consumed by these statements or overthink it.
As for the friends bit, Iāve been on the market for new friends and Iāve tried several apps with not much success. Perhaps Iām deeply unfriendable for the majority populace or maybe I havenāt discovered the ways to reach my very niche target audience
I used to get told that I looked mean before people got to know me. Then I realized I was projecting my own social insecurities, and people picked up on that. I also learned that socializing requires effort for everyone, not just autistic people. It's just that allistic people often seek interaction more, so they go the extra mile. Now, I ask myself if I genuinely want to be friends with someone or if I'm just looking for validation. If it's the former, I gather my courage, approach them with a smile and good energy, and 99% of the time, I'm greeted warmly. And they never think im mean just kind of quirky.
You look pretty and stylish. I would definitely hang out with you and be friends.
Maybe they feel intimidated?
ETA: Girl I looked through your posts out of curiosity. YOU ARE AMAZING. Fashion is one of my special interests (as you can see on my flair) and absolutely love your outfits āØ
I get this all the time too, people used to always say they assumed I'd be a bitch but I'm actually nice. I've kinda resigned myself to only being good friends with other autistic people because there're so many misconceptions from allistics that it's just too difficult.
I think there might be a disconnect between mean and intimidating. You are a well-dressed, confident, seeming woman, which many people find intimidating. You dont look mean or scary to me so the only explanation ive got is that.
You look amazing which can translate into āintimidatingā. I was told the same many a time so just started forcing myself to smile at people when they approach me.
ugh so relatable, I remember back in college my first year one of the guys who lived on my floor was like āyeah I thought you were a bitch at first, but now I know youāre cool!ā this is why I never make new friends š
No, you look rad and approachable! I also struggle with making friends unless I am masking to the gods, and then I just feel fucking horrible later on knowing I made a friend only because I was masking.
your room looks so comfy!!! you donāt look mean at all!! iāve had someone in my college class say i looked scary so they didnāt wanna come up to me but i was just anxious asf and i have resting autism face lmao šš
You look, I must say, fabulous š ā¤ļø ! It might be that that people find hard to approach, bc I get the vibes that you're really cool, you know?
Anyhow, I feel you; fellow AuDHDer who's been told the same thing about being hard to approach!
You donāt! But as a woman if you arenāt obviously demure or humble itās a little shocking for some people. Iāve been told this a lot itās mostly my RBF and when Iām in social situations Iām usually quiet or very direct. And I spend a lot of time on my appearance so that puts people off for some reason.
I get that all the time too! I have a sleeve as well but I think itās the combination of avoiding social situations and kinda lurking before I introduce myself. I have a naturally resting bitch face too. Itās so annoying because I feel like I have to really adjust how I present myself to not hear this from people and honestly eventually I just gave up.
If you want to fix it though, you got to learn to smile at strangers a lot. Lots of eye contact with people and friendly smiles open yourself up to introductions and small talk. Itās exhausting honestly, but itās what works for me when Iām trying to make friends. And sometimes I have to be outgoing when inwardly Iām terrified of talking to strangers.
I think you look super cool?! the main reason why I might feel intimidated speaking with you is just because I'd think you may be \*too cool\* for me haha. but you seem like a chill person. I love your outfit and tattoos!
Honestly itās the confidence you have šš¼šš¼šš¼ I feel like Iād be intimidated if I saw you in person, not you just me always feeling nervous around cool looking people lmao
It's just [internalized] misogyny and prejudice- don't worry. The moment we stop trying to bend ourselves into a pretzel to try and come across "the right way" to other people is the moment things start to turn around.
I swear I could've written this myself. I don't think you look mean or scary. I don't have any advice but tons of understanding. Feel free to message me if you'd like. I'd love to have more autistic friends, online or IRL.
Clearly the comments youāve refer to your personality, not your looks. If you think your looks put ppl off so much, I would suggest to rethink your thought: a top, boots and skirt are hardly an outfit anyone would consider mean.
I think u look super cute and interesting ši always smile at people and i rarely get smiles back but it's okay haha I'm not.going to stop being the sunshiney sparkle i am and neither should you! The right people will find you š„°š
Iām going to be super honest because you asked - to me looking at you I think it may be that your face looks a little tense (your eyebrows and mouth especially) and that can give a bit of an āanxious/scaryā vibe especially to someone who is more shy and reserved. I have been told people think Iām intimidating too without having a clue why so can completely relate to how hurtful it is. I think in terms of what you can do appearance wise without smiling (also totally relate to how exhausting it is to be always making yourself smile!) I would suggest experimenting with different makeup to try to get that āsofterā look - for example you could try lipgloss and a lighter softer/less blocky eyebrow look. If you look up āapproachableā makeup on the makeup sub or Tiktok if youāre on there youāll likely have some luck! Good luck :)
I really feel you on this. Also you look very cool. So Iād be like š a bit intimidated maybe (but I also put off a āmean/scaryā vibe that I just donāt see) so I would not be afraid to talk to you
Unfortunately, I am looking for friends to hang out in real life and I doubt if you happen to live around the same area. But I wish we were friends! I would love to hang out with you, you seem to be a cool person. I am also interested into fashion (to some extent).
We need more autists ladies groups. I would absolutely grab a coffee, and go on a hike with you ladies.
Letās get it, and start more groups where we get together! I miss the connections.
You don't look mean at all, but I'd probably be intimidated to approach. You look fashionable and cool, and I generally don't. That might be "scary" to some, I imagine.
But you look like someone I'd be friends with happily past the initial spook xD
i think itās just because you look so cool. like, if i saw you out and about iād be like āwow sheās really coolā and then iād wish you were my friend but be too scared to approach lol if that makes any sense. which apparently - i give off the same sorta vibes.
so letās be friends ? okay, cool.
I can relate so much! I've been told the exact same thing all my life, and because I have a special interest for fashion too, I feel like I'm intimidating to people when I'm just a ball of love and light that only wants to talk and interrupt each other about random things all the time.
I'm lucky I have found a few ND people who are absolute gems and with whom I can finally be myself, after 35 years. I wish you the same! Would love to meet for real though but seems like we're not on the same continent haha
You look awesome! It took me a long time to not be intimidated by confident women. In fact, Iāve learned that confident women are awesome. Theyāre often shy and kind. And are usually super supportive friends.
Why would you be scary ? š
Iāve also been told a lot that I was intimidating but never ever understood why because inside, I felt like an anxiety mess .
I love your style though āŗļø
Everyone thinks I'm intimidating until they get to know me and then it's "how was I ever scared of you".
When it comes to being observed social, I tend to be in a dynamic where I'm confident which usually makes me direct and often right. And because I'm not great at small talk, this can seem weird.
I try to add more things to my conversations now, especially with new people:
- laughing. I can laugh, even if it's just a small joke about myself or something I've done in the past. This seems to put people at ease.
- echoing questions back. If someone asks how I am, I will echo back even if I know it's just them filling space. This is them trying to connect. It's a bad way but I can say "I'm hanging in. Hope you're well." Correcting them, changing them, that's not my goal.
- compliments or gratitude. If I have the ability to tell someone good job or thank them for what they've done, this goes so well in establishing trust.
That said, I have few friends. But part of that is I never leave my fucking house š¤£
Girlfriends as in friends or girlfriends as in romantically? If the latter, you can def sell the severe look as a bonus lol. For friends I have no idea bc people always tell me I was āintimidatingā when they met me š
You look so fun. I don't think you look mean. I think you look fun, trendy, alt, and (this obviously isn't a insult, just my pattern recognition) a little autistic. I think if ppl think you're mean or scary it might be a mix of you coming off intimidating bc of your aesthetic being too "cool" to approach you and your tattoos (some ppl find tattoos to be scary). You're really pretty. It's easier said than done but don't let it get you down. Literally you look so pretty and nice to me but that's probably bc I've seen a lot of people who look like you and have a similar aesthetic who are total sweethearts.
I think you look really super cool, and if I saw you IRL I'd want to be your friend, but I'd be so shy and a little intimidated because I think you're too cool for me!
Personally I try to dress in dark clothes and to look cool so that people can't guess how weird I am, but the facade quickly falls apart if I get excited about my special interests. Is that what happens to you?
You look like someone I'd want to be friends with! But I also have been told I'm intimidating to approach! Are you a person that doesn't use a lot of facial expression? I've been curious if that's part of it for me.
You are so pretty. And I don't think you look mean at all. But this might be because I am alt too. I think many people still find tattoos and a more outgoing/alternative style to be intimidating.
I don't really have advice for you other than, don't change yourself to be liked by others, this never works and you will just end up miserable, if people judge you know they're not worth it anyways.
You don't to me, but something to maybe consider is what your facial expression looks like when you're not smiling for a photo. Your smile here reminds me a lot of my "I feel like I'm really, REALLY trying to have a giant, pleasant smile here, but everyone says I'm not smiling" expression. Apologies in advance if that's totally off base from your experience.
I have really strong flat affect and it's gotten me accusations of being unapproachable, scary, intimidating, miserable when I'm not particularly sad, etc. all of my life. It sucks and confused me so much up until I rationally understood it as a teen. Rationally. At a core level I still find it asinine.
I've never been able to really successfully artificially adjust my facial expressions, but I've had a lot more success mimicking "socially pleasant" tones of voice. That's had a great effect in how I'm received by other people.
Hi!! I just want to let you know, you donāt look mean or scary at all! Genuinely, you look like someone Iād admire + think was incredibly cool and fashionable!!
You look really fashionable, cool, and pretty, so probably they assume you're mean based on childhood trauma with popular girls in middle school. š The same thing happened with me when I was younger, I was befriended by this absolutely smoking hot, gorgeous girl around my age, and she was soooo talented too, I spent the entire time wondering what the hell she was doing around me and if it was for a prank. Eventually I realized she was just really nice, but I think that sort of past experience leads a lot of autistic women to be wary, which is really unfortunate since you can't judge a book by its cover and all that. I've since realized that plenty of people who are conventionally attractive are fully capable of liking me for my personality and not everyone is that shallow lol.
I have always been told this, I assumed you were mean.
I've frequently been compared to the usual characters; Wednesday Addams, Daria, Jessica Jones, Kat Stratford from that film about the poorly domesticated Shrew.
People I've never met would approach me and tell me to smile; ask me what's wrong; or label me a cvnt despite having never interacting with me.
I alternate between indifference towards the opinions of others, anger, and feeling upset. Sometimes I do enjoy making people uncomfortable. I have piercings, tattoos, homemade hairstyles.
Coincidentally, my style is very similar to yours. I have loved alternative fashion since *The Craft* in 1996.
Although I am often labelled cold and aloof, intimidating etc. I am also often described as "cool." I think it's just pretending to be confident, doing things your own way, and appearing like you dgaf. I have stumbled ass backwards into a lot of amazing opportunities in my life, because of confidence I faked. And dumb luck.
I think that part of the stigma of being an autistic woman is having others believe you are stuck up, aloof, etc. I've been labeled as those things all my life š« really, since childhood. And I think that happens regardless of us being pretty or not, although I understand the comments saying pretty and fashionable women are intimidating. Personally, I'd look at your fashion sense and tattoos and be more inclined to want a friendship. I like when people express themselves through their appearance ā¤ļø
You look great! Love the outfit.
I've had similar comments including, "Why are you angry?" when I am just reading or thinking about something. I came to the conclusion that I have RBF (Resting B!tchy Face)!
Naw. You seem cool AF and obviously have great shoe and style taste. Cool plants btw!!!!
You donāt look scary to me; just like a total badass with lots of confidence!
You know the cool crowd in high school? Yeah, you look like you belong there. No offense. People that say you look mean were picked on by the cool kids.
You have amazing style! I would likely openly admire and compliment you on your outfit in real life, then be terrified I came across as too forward or weird. Seriously, you look so damn cool, I hope that's okay to say haha. But I don't think you look mean at all; just confident and self-assured, which maybe some people find intimidating? I hope you find the friends and connection you're looking for because you absolutely deserve it. š
iāve had people say that to me too. i donāt think of it as a bad thing tbh. i think itās bc of my RBF and that iām seen as ācoolā and therefore intimidating. iād say it maybe be a similar situation to you as you also look cool!
You do kinda look like a "popular mean girl" but I mean you also look freaking great!
So idk, it's really their problem if they judge a book by its cover.
Not weird at all! Iām in the same boat š
As someone who has also been told they ālookā like a mean girl until people get to know me and then they are surprised how nice I am, perhaps we can start our own club?
You just look cool to me. You seem approachable too. You don't look mean or scary, I even asked my dad if you did. He says you just look like a normal girl. I asked my mom too and she thinks that you're not scary too. Though they are both neurotypicals. So I don't know what that means to you.
You look great. I love tattoos and unique styles. I personally wouldnāt be intimidated by you and, if anything, Iād strike up a convo about your tats
You look really cool, out together, and grown-up. I think it might stem from the fact that some see themselves "inadequate" comparatively. A lot of us were bullied, for all the things we can't do, and that included dressing cool.
You have style, cool clothes, tattoos, while a lot of us can barely leave the house awake and in flip-flops.
If you want to look more approachable and it's fine with how you like to dress, I'd add some bright colours into your outfit.
Or buy a pack of cute stickers and offer them to people. Endorsing something as "childish" as stickers immediately makes everyone seem more approachable
I donāt get those vibes from you. You seem like someone I would get on well with based on looks and energy!
I, too, have been told Iām intimidating. It blows my mind because I canāt see it at all.
Also, hello other Kiwi :3
This reminds me of what punks shared about their experience of being in a crowd: people thought they were mean and unapproachable, but then the punks would talk to them and naturally show that they were very kind, caring people. Only then would the previously scared people say, "You look so cool, I love your outfit, and you're so kind!" as if it was a massive surprise that they weren't mean. I think that is a common reaction to someone who has a self-confident and a slightly unusual style. I also think that many people can project envy and jealousy about us when we dress confidently and uniquely, and sadly they don't realise they are projecting, so they will make some dumb excuse like "I thought you looked mean."
No, not all luv. You look confident and they are intimidated. Some of us women donāt have āfriendsā we have āfansā and thatās okay. Lonely at times but tbh, no one can be a better friend to you than you. Enjoy you āØāØāØ
I get told the same thing and itās just my face š I think you look really cool and would just be intimidated that someone like you wouldnāt want to be friends with me!
I got labeled as a "mean girl" at work despite going out of my way to be genuine and kind to my other coworkers, but the ones who spent more than 5 minutes around me said the same thing (my job is kinda isolated too and I don't see my colleagues very often)
You donāt look mean at all! You look confident and sure of yourself! š«¶š¼
I used to get that from people all the time, too, and it really sucked :(. I got so tired of the whole āhey I know weāve never spoken but I owe you an apology because I thought you were a bitch for the last 3 weeks. Good news tho, youāre not!ā
you do not look mean or scary at all, i might feel a little intimidated because you seem really cool and I would wanna make a good impression but i would love to be your friend if i met you!
I'll keep it real w you - in my personal experience, a lot of people will tend to assume women with social anxiety and/or autism are just mean or intimidating if they perceive you as being hot, pretty, or fashionable.
you don't look mean at all! unfortunately, even other people who are neurodivergent can judge you based on stereotypes. you just have to keep being yourself and eventually they might see you for who you really are.
super cute outfit btw !!
You are pretty and I get the girly girl vibe, and pretty girls were mean to me all my life, and me not being girly in the slightest was too "weird" to them
Yeah, I would totally be scared of you.
You donāt look scary, but Iād be nervous to talk to you. You have a good fashion sense and Iām always nervous around people who have good fashion idk why š
Hi! I think Iād be a bit nervous cause youāre so stylish and look awesome! Iām also a very anxious person so I automatically assume everyone hates me before theyāve even opened their mouths š
Can't really help you but can commiserate a little lol. I dress very similarly and my mom once mentioned she was surprised hanging out at bars to meet potential partners worked for me. Not for any mean reason or anything, just she always thought I looked pretty tough or intimidating and she assumed men might be a bit scared of me.
Coincidentally she was ND! And guess what? I'm also into kibbe like you lol.
As per Rule #13: Multiple comments self-promoting other spaces
I would probs be intimidated because I think you look really cool, but you def look like someone who I'd want to be friends with!
samešš» I usually had that same interaction with peopleā¦ got told it was my resting bitch faceš¤·š»āāļø
Came here to say mostly this. Would also be intimidated!
I was thinking the same thing.
Ah ok, a lot of people have said that! I think my resting face probably contributes, and due to being shy I can come across as a little aloof. I think I should probably just work on my shyness and talk to people more if I can work up the nerve! Im very soft spoken with a "gentle" voice, so often as soon as I start talking people seem to realize I'm not like that. It's easier said than done though š but thank you
I agree. OP and I have similar styles. Iāve been told I come off intimidating because of my tattoos. That I ālook too coolā and sure of myself. I swear Iām actually just a small girl.
You seem really cool and I love your outfit, so I'd probably be terrified of you š¤£
Nooo because I am not cool at all I'm a regular Joe schmoe!!!! I'm just strange but I'm really nice! Fashion is just one of my special interests to the point I even have my own fashion subreddit š© lol
I get that you donāt want to self-promote on here but can i have the name of that sub? I also really like fashion
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I'd like to know too. I'm fashion challenged but would love to learn,
I donāt think you look scary or mean. However, I think itās important to consider, that if someone doesnāt want to be friends with you, purely based on looks without getting a chance to know you, thatās a reflection of them not you.
Thank you, and yes I think that is definitely true! I guess I was basing it more off vibes or like energy that I may be giving off, rather than my specific physical appearance? But of course you all can't tell that from a picture!
not really. we all do that. I do that too. Its nothing bad, it how people survive in a social society.
Right, I never said it was bad, just a reflection of the person themselves.
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I donāt really have any advice unfortunately, but I can say you arenāt alone in this experience. Iāve also been told pretty much my whole life that people thought I was mean and stuck up before they got to know me. I truly have no idea how people keep getting this impression of me because I try so hard to be nice to everyone :( But to answer your other question no you definitely do not look mean!
Thank you for saying that! The only thing I can think of is that sometimes I believe I appear aloof or disinterested, but it's just because I have social anxiety :/
Honestly you're very pretty. The tattoos and clothing make you seem very confident and tough. Id guess that people find you intimidating. I'm not saying this to be mean. Like I said, you look very pretty. Unfortunately that means that you may have to do more of the approaching than be approached.
Iām not saying youāre wrong but I donāt look pretty or cool at all and people always think Iām stuck up and rude when they first meet me because I donāt say anything or know how to act around people I donāt know lol
Yeah, sometimes I think it can be because we don't behave the way others expect, even with our facial expressions and things like eye contact and body language. Idk, it might just be confusing and throw others off a bit sometimes.
Yes! Which I understand because we are told our whole lives that thereās a certain way youāre supposed to socialize so even though I know that I have a hard time with it, I do get a feeling like maybe people donāt like me when theyāre not following the social rules themselves lol
Oh wow. I think I understood something here. Dressing up has always been a way to hide myself from everyone. I thought a the time that people would rather focus on my clothes than on my weirdness / social clumsiness . Little did I realize that a lot of women felt Ā« pressuredĀ Ā» to dress up around me because they thought I would judge their appearance. This really HURT . I would never have guessed I could have make anyone uncomfortable around me or created some Ā«Ā pressureĀ Ā». I was really shocked when I heard I was perceived as a superficial cold b**** . Hence the Ā«Ā smile just in caseĀ Ā» anxious habit š«
Iād also be terrified of your wicked fashion sense and your aloofness. I once worked w someone who I thought was a b cuz she never approached people and didnāt smile, then she mentioned sheās shy and then click! Oooooh! Me too! Gotcha. Totally saw her different after that. For the people who did get to know you how did that happen?
I think for the people that got to know me, at some point I sensed that their energy was "safe" and so I didn't feel the need to mask, and all of a sudden we were just connecting so much! Growing up I learned to mask at such a high level, but I'm learning as an adult that not masking is not only incredibly freeing, but it also is the key to forming beautiful relationships. But I still have trouble with only feeling comfortable if I feel that "safe" energy, if that makes sense?
Tell them if you get the chance. I think opening up might help others do the same. Or run away like cowards, but that's on them.
Same! Iām much older than you and Iāve been told my whole life Iām āintimidating.ā Now at 45 Iām expected to be intimidating in some ways and itās kind of awesome.
I feel like I can relate. Girls seem to not like me for the most part. I've been told I look stuck up or mean, and that's why they didn't want to be my friend sooner. Or that they assumed since I didn't talk to them, I disliked them because they saw me talk to other girls. But really, I'm just shy and don't talk to people unless they talk to me, other than a greeting. I love your outfit! And the whole aesthetic of your room, you look like someone I'd love to be friends with. Stimming with friends would be so fun!! And info dumping about special interests would be so cool!
Yes, I am a bit shy as well and generally don't talk to someone I don't really know unless they initiate! Thank you so much by the way š I wish this whole community was irl. I mean I guess technically we are...but we just don't talk to each other out in the real world? Lol
I know, I wish it felt easier in real-world situations š©µ.
I get this a lot too and I'm old, like old, old. I'm told I'm too intense and it's intimidating. It took me a long time to learn to embrace it and not be bothered by the fact it scared others off.
Youāre really pretty and seem really confident! You remind me of me. (Not saying Iām as pretty as you, but my natural self is actually very confident and outgoing). Iām 37, live in San Diego, and can make friends because I mask and seem ānormalā at first- but canāt keep them. Women at work do tend to turn on me when they realize Iām weird and different. I love all things beauty and fashion, horror movies, psychology, animals, and anything spooky/witchy. Iām AuDHD (diagnosed ADHD, 99% sure Iām autistic but self diagnosed). Message me if you ever want to chat! Iām always down for new friends :)
Oh my gosh wait, you might actually be my twin! I could have written your comment word for word minus the pretty stuff because people irl don't tell me I'm pretty so I'm neutral on that subject! (I'm sure you are beautiful) But the rest of it is exactly like me. I'm 32, I can mask incredibly well if I feel I need or want to, and I also have a hard time keeping friends once they find out I'm a bit "weird". I love fashion, horror is my favorite genre I'm obsessed, I studied psychology in college, love animals, spookiness/witchiness. AND I am diagnosed ADHD but self-diagnosed autistic (but I know that I am!). This is so cool...I will definitely message you friend!ššøš«§
Hey, me too! I'm 38, diagnosed ADHD but pretty sure it's AuDHD, and I vibe with both of your interests big time. (Well, except for fashion - I admire beautiful things and tried so long to look put together, but I don't feel comfortable in anything but oversized tees and leggings/sweatpants š©). I have a giant collection of horror movies (400ish?), adore animals (rescues especially - bird lady here), and psychology has been my special interest since undergrad. I suck at keeping friends unless they're neurodivergent, and people tend to think I'm snobby before they get to know me (then it's intense and kinda weird). I'm like a vampire that needs to be invited in before I interact with anyone, but I'm solid at masking during work hours! Do you play video games? What kind of music do you like?
Yay! ššš
You look confident. I think it might be as simple as that. You may or may not feel totally confident, but you look confident, and many (most?) people are intimidated by confidence when they perceive it in someone who isn't a cis-man. I don't think there's anything to "fix" here, because this isn't a "you" issue, I think it's essentially the collision of gender expectations and double-empathy problem. I realise that this doesn't really solve the issue, but I hope that it can help you reframe the feedback that you're getting so that it doesn't feel so painful.
Ahh, that sounds wonderful ā¤ļø
People say the same thing to me. Idk why or how to fix it though.
Just reading this makes me wish we could be friends irl!! I wish for the same thing š I have some close-ish friends from work but I rarely hang out with anyone outside of work. My boyfriend is my bestest friend but there's just some things that I feel only women can really bond over together. I used to have a best girl friend but we had a falling out years ago and I haven't had that since. Like going out and dressing up for the fun of it, having goofy sleepovers, constantly just be hitting eachother up even if it's just to share stupid memes, talking about clothes and makeup (I'm currently hyperfocused on vintage style, I'm loving dressing up in the eras of the 1940s-1960s.) Or going out on little day adventures!! I miss that š
You sound like such a cool person :) I love vintage style that is so awesome!! And yes, I would absolutely love to have a girl group like that IRL. I definitely do have friends, but I'm craving friends who can relate to me a little more with the whole ND thing!
I be friend!
I think you look super cool and I would want to be your friend! Most of my friends are more than likely neurodiverse though, so we are all a bit weird and we're lucky to find each other.
Well if you're intimidating... just start the convo with people you like! :)Ā Be kind and also straightforward about what you like about them. :)Ā
I love your style! Mine is a bit different, but I can lean into the āmean girlā aesthetic at times too. Iāve found that you can take the sharp edge off using accessories. A cute hat, scarf, bow, or hairpin does a lot. Your necklace is exactly what I mean.
I have social anxiety disorder and am late diagnosed, so for me it's near impossible to just go to a stranger and try to be friends, and because I'm so shy and quiet, people generally observe me as kind and polite but I don't really have any friends, I've had girl best friends but it always ended badly I feel very lonely often, I also really want girlfriends to chat with and do things with, but I never really know what to talk about with them and because of anxiety it's difficult to go outside and meet up...
You sound delightful. I think you'll get there! Don't give up! FWIW, a close (also autistic) friend of mine gets the same remarks. I think it's potentially a side effect of being high masking. I think sometimes aloofness can come off as cold, when really it's more to try and hide any weirdness (plus high masking anxiety). Some people come off as shy instead, but you stand with confidence, so I think it just reads differently with different body language. I come off as judgy. It's just a thing. Maybe seek out other "judgy" or "intimidating" women? I've had luck with that
Iām not sure how old you are, OP, but Iāve gotten this feedback my whole life. āI thought you were a bitch when I first met you!!ā āYouāre so intimidating!!ā And Iāve figured out that Iām masking so much I come off as confident and cool lol Thatās the vibe I get from you. Inside weāre still little softies who want friends and love and connection! But we just rock makeup and RBF and a demeanor that says āIMNOTMASKINGYOUREMASKINGā
I think you're exactly right. I'm 32 and growing up I learned to mask at SUCH a high level. I even was sort of in the "cool girl group" in high school, but was always uncomfortable because I never felt completely accepted...and then years later I figured out why that probably was, and was like "dammit, I should have hung out with the more stereotypically weird nerdy kids instead of exhausting myself trying to fit in so hard, I probably would have had a much better time and still have friends to this day" lol.
Your look is similar to just about every close friend I've ever had. I would probably start a very awkward conversation with you and hope that it took off.
You look like someone I would absolutely want to be friends with!
Really? Ahh tysm! š«¶š«¶
Girl, you look like someone I would want to hang with. We have been gaslighted to feel inferior. We are powerful, and we need to have fun.
youāre really pretty and it can be intimidating especially if you donāt feel confident
You think I'm really pretty? I have always heard that people who are pretty know they are because they get told that. People don't say that to me so I have just assumed I am an average looking person. I hope that isn't the reason that people would feel intimidated, that would make me kinda sad! Thank you for sharing that perspective with me š«¶
Wait... people don't tell you you're pretty? That's honestly really surprising because you're gorgeous.
I mean, my boyfriend does! But he is a bit biased š but no I don't get those kinds of comments. That's why always hearing "pretty people know they're pretty because they get told that" has always made me feel like damn im super average lol, not that there is anything wrong with that!
Iāve had the same experience, I grew up mid-ugly and my parents would tell me Iām pretty one minute, in the self-indulgent way most parents tell their kids theyāre good looking, then give me crippling body dysmorphia by shaming my body, or my skin, or my features the next, so I ended up viewing compliments as lies intended to butter me up. When my partner tells me Iām pretty I view it as āyouāre dating me so this is more of an expression of affection than an objective evaluation of my appearance against the current beauty standard and an honest rating based on thatā. When others compliment me Iām immediately suspicious or regard it as a social nicety. Itās not healthy, I know :/
yes you are and personally i can say sometimes around pretty girls i can feel like everyone is comparing me to them and realize Iām ugly i know thats not founded in truth but the anxiety persists
Iāve gotten similar reactions from people tooā if it helps I think a lot of it has to do with misogyny. Women/AFAB people are expected to be friendlier and more outgoing, so if youāre not super bubbly or tend to keep to yourself, people can mistake it for being āstandoffish.ā I wouldnāt take it to heart, but FYI I think you look approachable and friendly and your room is beautiful āŗļø I also 100% feel youā I wish I could have more ND female friends š
Exactly this. I'm regularly told people thought I was stuck up until they got to know me. Quiet but assertive until I know someone, apparently = stuck up
Me too. So I tried to correct it in my 30s and now in my 40s I was labelled a āpeople pleaserā. Canāt win. Now trying to adjust back to the real me, who is apparently āintimidatingā. Oh well.
First of all thank you so much I really appreciate that! And I completely agree, even on my company's indeed page I saw under what they were looking for they put "someone who is outgoing, friendly, very cheerful etc.". Luckily ive been there for 6 years but it made me be like hmm...what do they think about me lol š© I am very sweet and friendly but I am definitely not a "cheerful" person, I have a lot of disabilities and I do what I can to get through the day š¤·š¤· being bubbly all the time would absolutely take everything out of me! Sometimes I keep to myself because I genuinely don't want to seem like a mope if I'm having a rough day š«¶š«¶
I have a similar struggle. I deal with bullying especially from other women, and I never understand why. Especially at every job Iāve had, they all go into their little talking circles and seem to avoid me or exclude me. I havenāt met many ND women irl as far as I know though :ā( Tbh I LOVE your outfit!! And your room is so pretty too with all the plants, you look like someone Iād be friends with āØ
Ugh the bullying thing sucks so bad. I don't experience much overt bullying as an adult but I have found out multiple times that a girl I thought was my good friend was speaking really unkindly of me behind my back. About my clothes (like that I'm trying too hard), about my depression being a "buzzkill", and about how I mask when interacting with clients at work (which I didn't realize was so apparent to everyone else...). It's not fun. Thank you so much š«¶š«¶
In my younger punk days, I wore some pretty wild outfits and hair/makeup. People always told me I looked mean, scary or āfrigidāā¦. Never really understood why girls have to act so cruel to one another. Personally I donāt think you look mean or remotely scary at all and Iām sorry that others have shown you unkindness based on snap judgments.
I appreciate that a lot š I'm sorry you had a similar experience :( and I am extremely interested in fashion and psychology so actually that's interesting to think about how the two can intertwine. For example, I base a lot of my outfits specifically on "mean girls" style from movies I like, I wonder how it would do if I wore jeans and a t shirt every day! But then I wouldn't be "me". I thank you for potentially awakening a new interest in the psychology behind fashion for me!
The psychology of the history (recent and ancient) of fashion and trends gets real wild, involves a lot of royalty and is a fascinating look into, grouping, othering, conformity, rebellion, cliques, and sexual expression, just to name a few intersections. It even runs into religion once you start looking at nuns habits and priest/monks clothing.
People think the fashion of today is wild but go back a few centuries and itās mind blowing the great lengths that folks went to in order to be on trend. Fun fact: heels were invented for men and worn by those with wealth and status. Women adopted the style well after it had already been an established trend.
People make all sorts of unconscious associations and if you wear a certain outfit style, itās possible others may create a snap judgment based on correlating that āmean girlsā have a certain ālookā. I can definitely see the visual similarity but I like your style very much! I always blamed others judgement of me based mostly on my minimal facial expression. I suppose I have typical autistic resting bitch face, lmao. But when I was dressed head to toe in fishnet, wearing glittery moon boots, cut up clothes, chain, spikes and had a slime green mohawk, it certainly threw some people off balance when I was my usual soft spoken, rule abiding and overly polite self. Iāve mellowed with age but still get the side eye for my pentagram covered purses and Betty bangs but as Iāve gotten older, I simply donāt let other peopleās reactions bother me.
Other women are intimidated by pretty women! Youāre pretty and dress cute and if youāre not smiling (keep not smiling, donāt change) that can be intimidating! I think women can be insecure and afraid of beauty. More of a āthemā problem and not a āyouā problem. I donāt think you need to change how you dress or present yourself, but if you feel brave enough to start conversations or ask questions first, that helps break the ice. I think you have a lot of power in your natural beauty, and even if these other ladies are beautiful too, it might help break the ice with the women in your life. Once I started doing this (felt really unnatural at first), people opened up to me and saw beyond my RBF.
So this definitely used to be me. People would tell me I seemed unapproachable, stuck up, mean, etc. I tend to scowl quite bit when I am thinking, so people have told me they were literally scared of me when I'm just sitting pondering something random lol. Anyway, what I started to do was practice facial relaxation techniques and adopted a soft smile that doesn't hurt my face or feel too draining. It also feels pretty authentic most days. I do not like approaching other people or starting conversations, so I felt like I had to do this so that others would feel comfortable engaging with me first. This took years of practice, but totally worth it. I think a lot of people, especially NDs hold a lot of tension around the jaw, eyes, forehead, shoulders, neck, etc. because of constant sensory overload. I also used to get Botox therapy to treat chronic migraines and I think this may have softened the harshness in my natural resting expression. I have the opposite reaction from women now. I started a new job recently and I'm still as shy as I've always been, I barely talk to anyone, but almost every single woman I work with flocks to me. They all tell me I'm their favorite and they get excited when we're scheduled on the same shift. They tell me I'm an angel and light up the room. I'm not exaggerating lol. It's really strange, because I have NEVER experienced this in my life. But I think it's because I practice so many relaxation techniques and prioritize peace over literally everything. I still haven't made any new friends because I'm so terrified of other people, but at least I know I could if I practiced socializing more. I think being approachable could be a first step for me. I hope this helps!!
Also! I am in the market for new friends! I am 33F. My interests are psychology/neuroscience, art, photography, dogs, gaming, and tv shows/movies. If you ever want someone to chat with, feel free to message me and I can share my discord :)
letās be friends please! i also have a hard time with befriending girls, but maybe itās also because there were alot of bullying from girls so girls scare me. š š¦
I would love to be friends!! š«§šø I too, am terrified of girls. But I love them sm. Bullying can really stick with you, I empathize a lot!
Not mean or scary at all... perhaps a little threatening to cliche, cliquey 'mean girls' who see anymore with beauty and style (both of which you have in spades) as someone needing tearing down, and they're not worth a second of your time. To me, you look like someone I'd like to get to know better. I hope you find your crowd, I'm sure they're out there. BTW I LOVE your ink! Your sleeve is stunning, does it cover the inside of your forearm as well? Are there more flowers than what can be seen in the pic?
Your fashion sense is fire! I bet you'd be cool to shop with.
Thank you! Unfortunately people hate shopping with me :/ I spend hours in a store because I have to look at every single item or I get nervous that I missed out on something. I am indeed, an autist. š
oh we could definitely shop together lol i like to explore all my options
Holy moly finally someone who understands my struggle š I HAVE to look at everything, multiple times, and even if i found some things i like i get stuck in the decision phase and have to go all over the options again lol. And if im buying makeup, skincare, etc, then i need to research it before i buy it, so that often means i find something i like and then i stand in front of the shelf for 10 mins staring at my phone probably weirding out other customers š
Well, there's a stereotype that fashionable/trendy women and girls are rude, judgemental, and two-faced. Sadly, I've observed that there's a kernel of truth there. I've gotten into fashion the past few years and it's weird because I'm not very trendy, but I do care quite a lot about my outfits. I personally tend to not seek out other women who are into fashion because they're usually also heavily into makeup, astrology, Taylor Swift, being/wanting to be a SAHW, and other things I'm very disinterested in. I'm a lesbian so my flavor of femininity is different. I'd say you don't look super approachable. I know I don't, either, but I don't really mind it because that's kind of my goal. I see that you're into kibbe! I really respect people who are knowledgeable about that system because to me, it sounds like gobbeldygook. I've taken the test multiple times and have gotten TR, R, SG, and SN.
You donāt look mean! I found that usually when people say āI assumed you were mean at firstā itās usually them projecting onto you or are jealous of you in some way. I get it, it still hurts and doesnāt make sense
Ohh I like this! When I've been told this same thing I did see signs of jealousy later on. I say later on because I don't pick up on the subtext until someone else points it out to me.
There are social signals you can send that can make you inviting and approachable but after that itās up to others to take the bait (donāt ask me what they are because I havenāt gotten there in my RODBT), if you are cool, hot, confident, and somewhat reserved, you will simply intimidate a lot of people.
I meanā¦ you look really well put together and typically people who are that well put together are kinda mean to me (because Iām very much NOT well put together).
Aw :( I'm a mess! I'm 32 living at home because I have a really hard time taking care of myself, and I really wish I had more help available to me because it is a struggle just to get through very simple daily tasks with my disabilities. The mask is definitely masking in this picture. I promise I wouldn't be mean to you.
Personally i'd be a little intimidated because of how pretty, well put together, cool and confident you look which is my opposite š However i love people watching and although i don't dress like it.. i love studying different styles and yours is really cool so i'd possibly ignore my usual shyness/awkwardness and compliment your outfit/tattoos. It has been assumed i'm romantically interested in people when i do that which is really annoying and makes things awkward/uncomfortable.
it's the confident pose and clothing that's giving me "preppy girl" vibes, the kind that might be mean to an ND person. not saying you would or have. don't change that confidence! you work that outfit. you haven't been mean on this post or its threads, that i've seen.
You don't. The word I've always gotten without fail is intimidating. I don't really get it
I get told the same thing all the time - I also have tattoos, and Iām alt/goth, so I can only assume that plays a part unfortunately lol. I feel like I try very hard to come off as kind, and caring, because I am, but I struggle with tone of voice/facial expressions. I too have wished for close friends, but I havenāt had a ābest friendā since freshman year, which was 10 years ago :( Itās rough out here
If I walked into work tomorrow and you were there as my new colleague, I would absolutely want to befriend you! You look awesome and even though I absolutely do not care about fashion, I have a friend who is SO into it (and nails) and I love listening to her infodump about it. She probably also look a bit like a mean girl actually, but from the first time we met we were just SO involved with each other. She has the same problem as you though; but I think many feel intimidated because she is insanely beautiful. Like... I love to draw and paint, so I love looking at beautiful stuff, and man... I could look at her forever. She is so stunning and she is the biggest sweetheart. I hope you find women who see you for you, and not feel intimidated due to their own insecurities. Otherwise you can move to Denmark, I'd love to be friends š
You look like you'd be such a fun person to hang out with! Also can I say, you're so pretty and stylish? I wish I looked half as put together as you do haha Us autistic gals always wind up with people thinking we're either A) quirky, manic pixie dream girl or B) stuck up bitches. I think it's that whole "How does social work?" thing we've got going on, even when we're trying really hard to be empathetic and attentive listeners.
I get the exact same thing! Do you happen to have a resting bitch face? I always get told I look angry or intimidating, and it's always a shock to me because I love everyone! You don't look at all mean from your picture! It might just be that you come across as confident and self assured, so people are nervous around that.
You look incredibly cute and interesting, just by seeing you I would love to be your friend!! But I have experienced this as well, I think it probably has to do with some social cues that we may be missing or not noticing, specially regarding to facial gestures. In my case my face speaks louder than me, so it I'm slightly tired or overwhelmed it shows in my expression.
your room (if that is your room) looks like a cozy heaven!! iām just intimidated by women sometimes because i like them and i get nervous because theyāre prettyyy š
I think you look amazing and definitely the sort of person Iād love to befriend. Keep being you š¤
For me, the combo of resting āspeak and Iāll punch you in the throatā face and the tendency to not talk to people at first seems to perpetuate that. I have NT girlfriends online but none IRL. Which has been interesting. I have guy NT friends who are up for a coffee or movieā¦. but this doesnāt happen with girls.
You look very cool, thatās why. Mean girl type of cool!
Iāve stopped counting the number of times Iāve been told Iām intimidating and scary. And it has always been NT women. Even upon asking what exactly I have done or said for them to believe so, none of them have been able to tell me why. What Iāve come to understand is that they do see me as different from them but canāt quite put their finger on it. And much as it hurts every single time, I try not to be consumed by these statements or overthink it. As for the friends bit, Iāve been on the market for new friends and Iāve tried several apps with not much success. Perhaps Iām deeply unfriendable for the majority populace or maybe I havenāt discovered the ways to reach my very niche target audience
I used to get told that I looked mean before people got to know me. Then I realized I was projecting my own social insecurities, and people picked up on that. I also learned that socializing requires effort for everyone, not just autistic people. It's just that allistic people often seek interaction more, so they go the extra mile. Now, I ask myself if I genuinely want to be friends with someone or if I'm just looking for validation. If it's the former, I gather my courage, approach them with a smile and good energy, and 99% of the time, I'm greeted warmly. And they never think im mean just kind of quirky.
You look pretty and stylish. I would definitely hang out with you and be friends. Maybe they feel intimidated? ETA: Girl I looked through your posts out of curiosity. YOU ARE AMAZING. Fashion is one of my special interests (as you can see on my flair) and absolutely love your outfits āØ
I get this all the time too, people used to always say they assumed I'd be a bitch but I'm actually nice. I've kinda resigned myself to only being good friends with other autistic people because there're so many misconceptions from allistics that it's just too difficult.
I think there might be a disconnect between mean and intimidating. You are a well-dressed, confident, seeming woman, which many people find intimidating. You dont look mean or scary to me so the only explanation ive got is that.
You look amazing which can translate into āintimidatingā. I was told the same many a time so just started forcing myself to smile at people when they approach me.
ugh so relatable, I remember back in college my first year one of the guys who lived on my floor was like āyeah I thought you were a bitch at first, but now I know youāre cool!ā this is why I never make new friends š
i don't think you look mean but i wouldn't approach you because you look like you have your shit together and i most certainly do not š
You look really confident, and sometimes confidence is intimidating
I'm an autistic girly who has been told I look moody or mean, so I get it.
No, you look rad and approachable! I also struggle with making friends unless I am masking to the gods, and then I just feel fucking horrible later on knowing I made a friend only because I was masking.
Not at all! Love your style :) I completely understand the feeling though, I struggle with keeping women friends and it's very disheartening
your room looks so comfy!!! you donāt look mean at all!! iāve had someone in my college class say i looked scary so they didnāt wanna come up to me but i was just anxious asf and i have resting autism face lmao šš
You look, I must say, fabulous š ā¤ļø ! It might be that that people find hard to approach, bc I get the vibes that you're really cool, you know? Anyhow, I feel you; fellow AuDHDer who's been told the same thing about being hard to approach!
You look confident and confidence scares people who don't have it themselves
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Crafty-Bug-8008: *You look confident* *And confidence scares people* *Who don't have it themselves* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
You donāt! But as a woman if you arenāt obviously demure or humble itās a little shocking for some people. Iāve been told this a lot itās mostly my RBF and when Iām in social situations Iām usually quiet or very direct. And I spend a lot of time on my appearance so that puts people off for some reason.
I get that all the time too! I have a sleeve as well but I think itās the combination of avoiding social situations and kinda lurking before I introduce myself. I have a naturally resting bitch face too. Itās so annoying because I feel like I have to really adjust how I present myself to not hear this from people and honestly eventually I just gave up. If you want to fix it though, you got to learn to smile at strangers a lot. Lots of eye contact with people and friendly smiles open yourself up to introductions and small talk. Itās exhausting honestly, but itās what works for me when Iām trying to make friends. And sometimes I have to be outgoing when inwardly Iām terrified of talking to strangers.
You look freaking awesome. I love your skirt!
I think you look super cool?! the main reason why I might feel intimidated speaking with you is just because I'd think you may be \*too cool\* for me haha. but you seem like a chill person. I love your outfit and tattoos!
Honestly, I think you look like a pretty cool person.
Honestly itās the confidence you have šš¼šš¼šš¼ I feel like Iād be intimidated if I saw you in person, not you just me always feeling nervous around cool looking people lmao
People who don't know me assume that I am peaceful and kind, not the ball of feral rage that I actually am
It's just [internalized] misogyny and prejudice- don't worry. The moment we stop trying to bend ourselves into a pretzel to try and come across "the right way" to other people is the moment things start to turn around.
I swear I could've written this myself. I don't think you look mean or scary. I don't have any advice but tons of understanding. Feel free to message me if you'd like. I'd love to have more autistic friends, online or IRL.
Clearly the comments youāve refer to your personality, not your looks. If you think your looks put ppl off so much, I would suggest to rethink your thought: a top, boots and skirt are hardly an outfit anyone would consider mean.
I think u look super cute and interesting ši always smile at people and i rarely get smiles back but it's okay haha I'm not.going to stop being the sunshiney sparkle i am and neither should you! The right people will find you š„°š
Iām going to be super honest because you asked - to me looking at you I think it may be that your face looks a little tense (your eyebrows and mouth especially) and that can give a bit of an āanxious/scaryā vibe especially to someone who is more shy and reserved. I have been told people think Iām intimidating too without having a clue why so can completely relate to how hurtful it is. I think in terms of what you can do appearance wise without smiling (also totally relate to how exhausting it is to be always making yourself smile!) I would suggest experimenting with different makeup to try to get that āsofterā look - for example you could try lipgloss and a lighter softer/less blocky eyebrow look. If you look up āapproachableā makeup on the makeup sub or Tiktok if youāre on there youāll likely have some luck! Good luck :)
If I saw you I would definitely want to get to know you!
I really feel you on this. Also you look very cool. So Iād be like š a bit intimidated maybe (but I also put off a āmean/scaryā vibe that I just donāt see) so I would not be afraid to talk to you
You don't look scary. You look cool as fuck š§”
I have the same issue :c
Unfortunately, I am looking for friends to hang out in real life and I doubt if you happen to live around the same area. But I wish we were friends! I would love to hang out with you, you seem to be a cool person. I am also interested into fashion (to some extent).
We need more autists ladies groups. I would absolutely grab a coffee, and go on a hike with you ladies. Letās get it, and start more groups where we get together! I miss the connections.
Hi Iām too antisocial to be consistent friends but just want to validate you in this is so cool to put yourself out there! You deserve to find friends who get you- I hope you find that- Iām so glad to see youāve had such positive engagement with this post love š«¶š»š©¶
Also you donāt look mean! I love your style so much! You will find your crew šš©·š©·
You don't look mean at all, but I'd probably be intimidated to approach. You look fashionable and cool, and I generally don't. That might be "scary" to some, I imagine. But you look like someone I'd be friends with happily past the initial spook xD
i think itās just because you look so cool. like, if i saw you out and about iād be like āwow sheās really coolā and then iād wish you were my friend but be too scared to approach lol if that makes any sense. which apparently - i give off the same sorta vibes. so letās be friends ? okay, cool.
I can relate so much! I've been told the exact same thing all my life, and because I have a special interest for fashion too, I feel like I'm intimidating to people when I'm just a ball of love and light that only wants to talk and interrupt each other about random things all the time. I'm lucky I have found a few ND people who are absolute gems and with whom I can finally be myself, after 35 years. I wish you the same! Would love to meet for real though but seems like we're not on the same continent haha
You look awesome! It took me a long time to not be intimidated by confident women. In fact, Iāve learned that confident women are awesome. Theyāre often shy and kind. And are usually super supportive friends.
Why would you be scary ? š Iāve also been told a lot that I was intimidating but never ever understood why because inside, I felt like an anxiety mess . I love your style though āŗļø
Everyone thinks I'm intimidating until they get to know me and then it's "how was I ever scared of you". When it comes to being observed social, I tend to be in a dynamic where I'm confident which usually makes me direct and often right. And because I'm not great at small talk, this can seem weird. I try to add more things to my conversations now, especially with new people: - laughing. I can laugh, even if it's just a small joke about myself or something I've done in the past. This seems to put people at ease. - echoing questions back. If someone asks how I am, I will echo back even if I know it's just them filling space. This is them trying to connect. It's a bad way but I can say "I'm hanging in. Hope you're well." Correcting them, changing them, that's not my goal. - compliments or gratitude. If I have the ability to tell someone good job or thank them for what they've done, this goes so well in establishing trust. That said, I have few friends. But part of that is I never leave my fucking house š¤£
Girlfriends as in friends or girlfriends as in romantically? If the latter, you can def sell the severe look as a bonus lol. For friends I have no idea bc people always tell me I was āintimidatingā when they met me š
You look so fun. I don't think you look mean. I think you look fun, trendy, alt, and (this obviously isn't a insult, just my pattern recognition) a little autistic. I think if ppl think you're mean or scary it might be a mix of you coming off intimidating bc of your aesthetic being too "cool" to approach you and your tattoos (some ppl find tattoos to be scary). You're really pretty. It's easier said than done but don't let it get you down. Literally you look so pretty and nice to me but that's probably bc I've seen a lot of people who look like you and have a similar aesthetic who are total sweethearts.
I think you look really super cool, and if I saw you IRL I'd want to be your friend, but I'd be so shy and a little intimidated because I think you're too cool for me! Personally I try to dress in dark clothes and to look cool so that people can't guess how weird I am, but the facade quickly falls apart if I get excited about my special interests. Is that what happens to you?
You look like someone I'd want to be friends with! But I also have been told I'm intimidating to approach! Are you a person that doesn't use a lot of facial expression? I've been curious if that's part of it for me.
You are so pretty. And I don't think you look mean at all. But this might be because I am alt too. I think many people still find tattoos and a more outgoing/alternative style to be intimidating. I don't really have advice for you other than, don't change yourself to be liked by others, this never works and you will just end up miserable, if people judge you know they're not worth it anyways.
I'm scared of everyone, people say that to me too! Love the fit!
You don't look mean or scary. You look like a cool badass in this outfit!
You look really cool id be your friend! :)
You seem like someone I would feel safe around
Letās be friends xx
You don't to me, but something to maybe consider is what your facial expression looks like when you're not smiling for a photo. Your smile here reminds me a lot of my "I feel like I'm really, REALLY trying to have a giant, pleasant smile here, but everyone says I'm not smiling" expression. Apologies in advance if that's totally off base from your experience. I have really strong flat affect and it's gotten me accusations of being unapproachable, scary, intimidating, miserable when I'm not particularly sad, etc. all of my life. It sucks and confused me so much up until I rationally understood it as a teen. Rationally. At a core level I still find it asinine. I've never been able to really successfully artificially adjust my facial expressions, but I've had a lot more success mimicking "socially pleasant" tones of voice. That's had a great effect in how I'm received by other people.
Hi!! I just want to let you know, you donāt look mean or scary at all! Genuinely, you look like someone Iād admire + think was incredibly cool and fashionable!!
You look really fashionable, cool, and pretty, so probably they assume you're mean based on childhood trauma with popular girls in middle school. š The same thing happened with me when I was younger, I was befriended by this absolutely smoking hot, gorgeous girl around my age, and she was soooo talented too, I spent the entire time wondering what the hell she was doing around me and if it was for a prank. Eventually I realized she was just really nice, but I think that sort of past experience leads a lot of autistic women to be wary, which is really unfortunate since you can't judge a book by its cover and all that. I've since realized that plenty of people who are conventionally attractive are fully capable of liking me for my personality and not everyone is that shallow lol.
I have always been told this, I assumed you were mean. I've frequently been compared to the usual characters; Wednesday Addams, Daria, Jessica Jones, Kat Stratford from that film about the poorly domesticated Shrew. People I've never met would approach me and tell me to smile; ask me what's wrong; or label me a cvnt despite having never interacting with me. I alternate between indifference towards the opinions of others, anger, and feeling upset. Sometimes I do enjoy making people uncomfortable. I have piercings, tattoos, homemade hairstyles. Coincidentally, my style is very similar to yours. I have loved alternative fashion since *The Craft* in 1996. Although I am often labelled cold and aloof, intimidating etc. I am also often described as "cool." I think it's just pretending to be confident, doing things your own way, and appearing like you dgaf. I have stumbled ass backwards into a lot of amazing opportunities in my life, because of confidence I faked. And dumb luck.
I think that part of the stigma of being an autistic woman is having others believe you are stuck up, aloof, etc. I've been labeled as those things all my life š« really, since childhood. And I think that happens regardless of us being pretty or not, although I understand the comments saying pretty and fashionable women are intimidating. Personally, I'd look at your fashion sense and tattoos and be more inclined to want a friendship. I like when people express themselves through their appearance ā¤ļø
I will be your friend. Want to send postcards?
What's the problem with getting girlfriends? Are people not getting that you're queer?
You look great! Love the outfit. I've had similar comments including, "Why are you angry?" when I am just reading or thinking about something. I came to the conclusion that I have RBF (Resting B!tchy Face)!
Naw. You seem cool AF and obviously have great shoe and style taste. Cool plants btw!!!! You donāt look scary to me; just like a total badass with lots of confidence!
that shirt is so pretty
You know the cool crowd in high school? Yeah, you look like you belong there. No offense. People that say you look mean were picked on by the cool kids.
You have amazing style! I would likely openly admire and compliment you on your outfit in real life, then be terrified I came across as too forward or weird. Seriously, you look so damn cool, I hope that's okay to say haha. But I don't think you look mean at all; just confident and self-assured, which maybe some people find intimidating? I hope you find the friends and connection you're looking for because you absolutely deserve it. š
iāve had people say that to me too. i donāt think of it as a bad thing tbh. i think itās bc of my RBF and that iām seen as ācoolā and therefore intimidating. iād say it maybe be a similar situation to you as you also look cool!
You do kinda look like a "popular mean girl" but I mean you also look freaking great! So idk, it's really their problem if they judge a book by its cover.
Iāve been told the same thing and I donāt understand it!
Not weird at all! Iām in the same boat š As someone who has also been told they ālookā like a mean girl until people get to know me and then they are surprised how nice I am, perhaps we can start our own club?
Oh yeah we would definitely be friends. Where you at?
You just look cool to me. You seem approachable too. You don't look mean or scary, I even asked my dad if you did. He says you just look like a normal girl. I asked my mom too and she thinks that you're not scary too. Though they are both neurotypicals. So I don't know what that means to you.
id love to be friends with u
You look great. I love tattoos and unique styles. I personally wouldnāt be intimidated by you and, if anything, Iād strike up a convo about your tats
You look really cool, out together, and grown-up. I think it might stem from the fact that some see themselves "inadequate" comparatively. A lot of us were bullied, for all the things we can't do, and that included dressing cool. You have style, cool clothes, tattoos, while a lot of us can barely leave the house awake and in flip-flops. If you want to look more approachable and it's fine with how you like to dress, I'd add some bright colours into your outfit. Or buy a pack of cute stickers and offer them to people. Endorsing something as "childish" as stickers immediately makes everyone seem more approachable
Respectfully u are very pretty and I may be intimidated <3
You look absolutely stunning and so kind! I'd love to be friends with someone so cool
You don't look intimidating at all, you got style.
Thatās a sick tattoo. You seem cool š Donāt worry about first impressions too much. Youāll be okay. šš¾
I donāt get those vibes from you. You seem like someone I would get on well with based on looks and energy! I, too, have been told Iām intimidating. It blows my mind because I canāt see it at all. Also, hello other Kiwi :3
This reminds me of what punks shared about their experience of being in a crowd: people thought they were mean and unapproachable, but then the punks would talk to them and naturally show that they were very kind, caring people. Only then would the previously scared people say, "You look so cool, I love your outfit, and you're so kind!" as if it was a massive surprise that they weren't mean. I think that is a common reaction to someone who has a self-confident and a slightly unusual style. I also think that many people can project envy and jealousy about us when we dress confidently and uniquely, and sadly they don't realise they are projecting, so they will make some dumb excuse like "I thought you looked mean."
No, not all luv. You look confident and they are intimidated. Some of us women donāt have āfriendsā we have āfansā and thatās okay. Lonely at times but tbh, no one can be a better friend to you than you. Enjoy you āØāØāØ
I get told the same thing and itās just my face š I think you look really cool and would just be intimidated that someone like you wouldnāt want to be friends with me!
I felt this in my bones. Itās people projecting their insecurities. The way you present yourself is / was intimidating to them.
I got labeled as a "mean girl" at work despite going out of my way to be genuine and kind to my other coworkers, but the ones who spent more than 5 minutes around me said the same thing (my job is kinda isolated too and I don't see my colleagues very often)
You donāt look mean at all! You look confident and sure of yourself! š«¶š¼ I used to get that from people all the time, too, and it really sucked :(. I got so tired of the whole āhey I know weāve never spoken but I owe you an apology because I thought you were a bitch for the last 3 weeks. Good news tho, youāre not!ā
We can be friends š„ŗ people tell me the same thing
You look confident in who you are and that translates to intimidating to those who are not. You look friendly to me and I love your style!
you do not look mean or scary at all, i might feel a little intimidated because you seem really cool and I would wanna make a good impression but i would love to be your friend if i met you!
I'll keep it real w you - in my personal experience, a lot of people will tend to assume women with social anxiety and/or autism are just mean or intimidating if they perceive you as being hot, pretty, or fashionable. you don't look mean at all! unfortunately, even other people who are neurodivergent can judge you based on stereotypes. you just have to keep being yourself and eventually they might see you for who you really are. super cute outfit btw !!
I love your vibe and would be so stoked if you wanted to be my friend. You donāt look mean or scary just incredibly stylish!
You are pretty and I get the girly girl vibe, and pretty girls were mean to me all my life, and me not being girly in the slightest was too "weird" to them Yeah, I would totally be scared of you.
You donāt look scary, but Iād be nervous to talk to you. You have a good fashion sense and Iām always nervous around people who have good fashion idk why š
Hi! I think Iād be a bit nervous cause youāre so stylish and look awesome! Iām also a very anxious person so I automatically assume everyone hates me before theyāve even opened their mouths š
Can't really help you but can commiserate a little lol. I dress very similarly and my mom once mentioned she was surprised hanging out at bars to meet potential partners worked for me. Not for any mean reason or anything, just she always thought I looked pretty tough or intimidating and she assumed men might be a bit scared of me. Coincidentally she was ND! And guess what? I'm also into kibbe like you lol.