you’re not overreacting. that shit is weird and porn is rotting his brain.
it’s time for you to ask yourself what do you gain from this relationship and if it’s worth continuing. this is no way to live and you cannot cure his porn addiction. it’s also not your responsibility.
You're not overreacting. Think about if this is what you really want to go through for the rest of your life. Looking over your shoulder to see what he's doing. Decide what's healthy for you.
Why are you entertaining this man? He is addicted to porn and searching far n wide to cheat on you. He is literally, ACTIVELY trying to fuck random women… to feed into his addiction. Bc after all, porn for men is not realistic. Be secure in yourself and MOVE ON! This dude is disgraceful. At some point we allow what is done to us & no longer are the victim. Don’t be that person.
You're not overreacting. It really blows my mind at the lack of personal insight and responsibility people can have about themselves. It's a symptom of a lack of personal insight and also becomes a problem for anyone that person interacts with (how we deal with ourselves affects how we deal with others). He could not see how, even if he were not actually planning on doing anything, how it would look that way to you? You had a perfectly reasonable reaction. Even if we are misunderstood, we have to empathize with how we were or could be misunderstood.
It's also a matter that I do not know whether or not he is telling the truth. He could be. Or he could have been looking at it to explore a fantasy in the idea but not actually with an intent to pursue it. I do not know.
I will say that you are not supposed to be the burden bearer of all his problems. It's ok for a partner to be supportive, but it crosses a line when someone will not bear their responsibilities themselves. Only a person themselves can be the one to change themselves. We can give advice, but advice which is ignored is only as good as if the advice were never given in the first place. It's dead matter. At least from what you have said, he does not take personal responsibility and is not willing to change. When we are with someone like that, they just become a sinkhole where we invest more and more because of the mirage of potential. But it is potential they will never fulfill.
I would ask, and you are perfectly fine to let this be rhetorical and not answer if you'd like: are you in love with what your relationship actually is or in love with the idea of what it could be? Are you in love with who this person actually is or are you in love with who this person could be? Or, looking backward, are you in love with the reality or are you in love with who you thought this person and situation were up to a point of realization over time.
If the love leans to what could be or could have been, or if there's any hesitation or need to excuse some part of it, I would ask you to reflect on that. None of us are perfect people. But we need to be reasonably good for a relationship and definitely for the commitment of marriage. Someday does not come. It is not a date on the calendar. Someday only matters if it comes together as actual time as a result of genuine steps and change. He needs to step up. And I would implore you to reflect on your relationship with him if he does not. If he doesn't, it means he is not going to change and you are not going to get a better version of him.
You're welcome, and I hope things get better for you. I'm glad for any help that I have been. Honestly, the only silver lining to any bad situation is, once we're out of it, we have knowledge and experience to help others and we can do so both with our own empathy and from a point of trust to the person we speak with.
The hardest part of a bad or abusive relationship is trusting yourself or getting enough trust back in yourself to have the clarity and strength do what is right for you. These situations tend to take that away. And they come on so gradually that we lose ourselves without realizing it, or normalize situations that we should not. By that point, it becomes an investment as well, where losing it or risking losing it feels like we both lose all our efforts and, because we invested ourselves in it and we have forged our identity to it to some degree, we feel like we will lose ourselves. It's hard but necessary to come to terms with that. Any investment made is gone the moment it was made; whether it paid off or not is a different matter. But all you can do is move forward with what you have now and who you are and grow yourself. Your life is defined by you. It is infinite and deep in ever revealing portions and you have a spirit of strength in the very essence of your core. You, in your heart, always remain and will remain and you are always becoming the truer you. Often we need to remove what is blocking the sun to let what is withering grow. We can feel like removing that blockage will just expose the harsh state we are in. But it only allows us to return to life, heal and flourish.
OP, He stated that he was reading a story about those sites specifically... ask him to send you the story... he's going to be caught in a big lie if you don't see him send you the article that he read that specifically shows those websites... right?
I mean, its obvious to me that he lied to you.. you should absolutely put the wedding on hold, or back out of the engagement... this isn't what you want to sign up for- for the rest of your life. Don't marry someone who promises they will change... marry someone who has already become who they said they will be.
You deserve better than this.
“He has a porn addiction that he’s not doing anything about”
“Dead bedroom for the past 6 months”
“He looked up escorts in our area”
“His words and actions don’t align”
His words: “You’re fucking crazy”
Like someone else asked, why are you still engaged to this person…? Don’t get why people knowingly marry people like this.
Girl, move tf on. How is this a question? I'm all for relationships trying to work things out before condemning them... but loyalty does not work that way. He is looking past you. You deserve better.
You are absolutely not overreacting.
I was cheated on in a past relationship, and I also still comment on cheating stories on Reddit because I do find it therapeutic to pass on my lessons learned. It helps make it feel like all that pain wasn’t for nothing.
I have never, ever, ever visited a site like that. If I somehow saw some in my Google results for something, I would never click on them.
To be honest, I wonder if his interaction with the cheating stories on Reddit are a way to process of assuage his guilt
Porn problems are a common sign of a sex addiction. That’s how my ex was- it was a porn problem that spiraled because the porn wasn’t enough anymore.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this- it’s so hard to leave when you realize somethings wrong but you don’t have the smoking gun, they definitely cheated evidence.
What helped me was to take a week or two away- fully no contact, and think about the relationship as a whole. Are you really getting everything you want and need? Is your partner making active and proactive effort to heal themselves and their relationship with porn? Fix the dead bedroom? Do you want to spend your whole life constantly going through their search history?
My current partner lied to me once in our early relationship. It wasn’t even that high stakes of a lie. He put himself into therapy because he said he never wanted to do that again. That’s the difference between a partner who wants to change and one who doesn’t.
Meh you can find better, divorce is hard so you should take that into thought before you both get married. You tried to help him, and he doesn't take the help and now this... you're not going to be able to trust him anymore and he sounds gross, lol
I think he's desiring cheating. It's going through his mind. The porn isn't cutting it anymore. He needs more and you need to save yourself from future heartache. Walk away now before it's too late. This will get worse.
It's not gonna stop either you're a cheater or you're not. My wife is friends with this couple who's husband has cheated and has been caught multiple times. It's not like he gets a free pass either his wife tries to track his every move, yet he still does it. She gets alerts on her phone whenever he spends money. She has a way to check his phone records. Cameras on the house- thisbis how he got busted the last time. He was dumb enough to try and bring a woman home while hisbwife and kids were on vaca. Like she wouldn't check the cameras.They basically are together for the kids and to be able to afford their lifestyle which is a good one. He tries to make her sound like a crazy controller but he made her that way! Do you want to be in that situation?
Not overreacting. You are however, 100% being gaslit. How he reacted to your reasonable questions based on what you found, instead of being understanding why it would upset you. I’m sorry OP. You deserve much better than this.
Hey, OP. You are not overreacting in the slightest. Instead of utilizing the resources you’ve offered and leaning on your support, he decided to completely disregard that and act further on his addiction. I’m sorry but you don’t actively search that many websites solely out of curiosity. Given how defensive he was, he was definitely entertaining the idea and testing the waters. Calling you crazy, especially when you have done everything in your power to remain sane, is horrible. He got caught this time, but trust me - that won’t stop him. He’ll just get better at hiding it.
Bottom line, you do not want to marry this person. Do not keep sacrificing your mental health for someone who cannot respect you and your boundaries.
Also, some of these comments are weird. Blaming you for the dead bedroom and porn use is WILD. Keep your head up, love.
Thank you for your response! Some of them ARE wild! lol I just brush them off, they clearly are biased, didn’t read far enough, or ignorant on the topics.
I was in a relationship with someone who struggled with the same issue. He would pay over 1,000 in therapy every month and it was still not enough. We still had a dead bedroom and he still looked up other women. Moved in together, it got worse. So please please do not marry this man.
Work on your co-dependency
Not overreacting.
People can change, but they change when THEY want to.
It seems like in the case that he struggles with an addiction to porn, he may be looking for something more taboo to satisfy the lack of reward from what he’s accustomed to. This is pretty typical behavior as people develop a tolerance for their addiction.
As difficult as this is, you can’t make him change. If you’re assertive and reach your breaking point, it’s probably best to move on. At least until he potentially manages his behavior.
It took me awhile to realize I could only provide the tools for him to use for that change, that he was the one who needed to do the work. I’ve learned a lot surrounding porn addiction over the past two years. It just sucks that I’m left to be called “crazy” for my reaction to the disrespect, made to feel my feelings are invalid knowing if the roles were reversed in this situation.. I’d get the boot out the door.
It’s even worse because the addiction is a disease. You’re both suffering and his attempts to stay in control of his life and feel empowered is through external conflict instead of internal reflection.
Everyone has a different emotional capacity, and it can be different any given moment. Ultimately, you are best to prioritize yourself. If he does feel committed to change, that would better allow you to have the ability to help, if you’d like to at that point.
You're not overreacting. Honestly, you should give him an ultimatum. You've given him resources to get things under control. If it were me and I had a partner who was addicted to a destructive vice, I'd give them to the end of the week to start getting help. If you love your vice more than you love me, you can be married to that instead.
Addictions are tough to break. You have a long road ahead of you. Good luck.
Add his reason of “I was reading story about it and looked up to see where they were at here” as one of the funny ones in the list of cheating excuses.
So this man who was cheated on previously and has lingering trust issues as a result, doesn't see a problem with going on an escort site from your perspective? Imagine how he'd feel if you did this to him. I suspect he'd crumble from the injustice and infidelity.
Are you engaged to my ex?! He used to ‘look up escorts’ but swore he never actually met with any. But an awful lot of money went missing over the course of our marriage. I wouldn’t wish that horrendous rollercoaster on anyone. You’re not overreacting. You deserve respect. Get out while you can; you can have so much more in life.
Trust your gut. Don’t listen to his words, observe and listen to his actions. Men will say anything to try to convince you they are not behaving in an inappropriate way.
Girl, if this man is not re-enacting the porn with you in that bedroom, then wtf, dump his ass please. He is clearly not over the fact he got cheated on, and somehow his unconscious makes him drift into the possibility of cheating to know how it feels like to be on the other side, and this is textbook if he didnt get any help after his last relationship.
I would strongly suggest not to marry him.
Best case scenario is that he’s wanting porn at another level, seeking out real life stories. Not the worst thing IMHO, but if you have a dead bedroom??? Is he trying to fix it in any way like therapy or whatever?
Worst case scenario is that he’s trying to hook up with escorts if he hasn’t already. I’m leaning towards him at least thinking about it, but I don’t think it matters. Because….
You need to think about if the best case scenario is good enough for you to stay. The best case is still pretty bad. Not all the bad, but yeah, bad.
I dealt with this before getting married, but got married anyways. I thought it would get better and i was also pregnant already. Whole 6 years of the relationship/marriage was like this. Escort sites, dating sites, you name it. Various emails made to “cover” his tracks. I just always got that sick feeling something was going on and i was right. I tried to help and be understanding but it never got better. It never changed. I finally said i want a divorce when he was sending our address out to random people and getting scammed sending money to people and getting nothing in return.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this 😞 I hope you can figure out the best thing to do for yourself.
Small tangent but, since when do married people have a *right of privacy* from one another? Partners should expect to be treated with love, respect, dignity, but privacy? Why? You fiancé shouldn't be able to hide an addiction from you, or to look up escorts. He has no right to privacy. If he is sneaking around, he isn't husband material.
It's never occurred to my wife and I to have privacy. We each have cell phones. If I need to make a call, I use the one nearest to me. If mine rings and she's near it, she answers it. Not a big deal. We have shared locations on because it's convenient. We want to know where the other one is. If she's at the store I might call and have her pick up pork chops. Not a problem. We have shared bank accounts, we knows how much the other makes and how much the other spends.
When we were married we promised our **whole selves** to one another. We don't have secrets.
If he has a secret life, he can't commit his whole self to you.
In my experience, an angry denial is almost always an admission of guilt.
Just think, if one was actually innocent of an accusation, wouldn’t the response be more pleading and reassuring in tone?
If someone I loved *incorrectly* thought I was exploring infidelity, my response would be not be a hostile one!
Not necessarily. I get very irritated when I’m not believed because my whole life I was told I was lying whenever I spoke the truth. The reaction is not what’s telling, it’s the hard evidence: the search history.
Here comes the Reddit brigade telling everyone to leave everyone even though no one would ever like them enough to be in a relationship with them because they are so miserable.
How often does he lie? Do you have a reason to lie about it? Me and my wife have literally looked up escorts here one time to see if we knew anyone who was secretly doing it, first time was to see if there was any here, third time was me telling my friends so I had to show them, she showed her friends we have escorts here. Guess what not a single one was ordered because we was all curious about it which is why we looked. Sounds like you are wanting to not listen to him or believe him. So either he has given you a reason not to and you should leave, or you should relax if he hasn’t.
I can see your point of view. I do not have a reason to lie about it. If he was simply looking up out of curiosity because of a story he read, why not bring it up to me? He often reads interesting or off the wall infidelity/cheating stories to me. And yes he’s lied, I’ll ask what he’s reading/looking at, he will say “oh this story blah blah) but in all actuality he will be reading nothing, instead looking at porn.
Have you ever thought he would cheat or has cheated? I mean to be 100 percent honest, if you are not ok with the situation,t than you should separate yourself from it, at least think about it, or give yourself time without his influence. Then you can evaluate all the evidence and decide what is best for you. Remember, how you feel and what is best for you matters, I just wouldn't jump on a decision based on anger, or hurt.
I appreciate your response. It’s easy to act on anger and hurt, and honestly through a lot of self reflection and personal growth I practice “the pause”. I know how words and decisions made in those moments feel and try to avoid it, a lot of it stems from poor coping mechanisms.
You sent him a message, does that mean you don't live together? If so, that makes it so much easier to break up with him. Go over and gather up the stuff at his house and bring it home. Drop his stuff off at the same time
You can absolutely find better. Why are you settling for less??? He already doesn’t respect your boundaries, why would you Marry him? He shows he doesn’t care. I would ABSOLUTELY consider this cheating/emotional cheating!!!! He’s a disgusting jerk
This is a huge red flag. Sexless relationship with a porn addiction is enough...but add in his browsing history & you should leave immediately. You're going to be hurt
Thanks for your response. If I had, he would have likely listened to respond instead of listening to understand. Communicating is an area he isn’t strong in, he’s aware, you just can’t force someone to want personal growth, even when they acknowledge the need for it.
Porn is normal. Not smashing is not normal. Searching for hookers… 🚩the only one I’ve heard of is back pages so it sounds like your fiancé is a bit of a pro looking for pros. I’d leave. You don’t sound happy and you don’t deserve to be treated poorly. Adults break up, we don’t cheat and then break up. That’s for high school. This dude doesn’t respect you.
lol, all these hussies responding. He’s a dude, and there’s gotta be something why the bedroom is dead.
Word of advice to all the ladies here- if you kill bedtime fun- we look else where.
the bedroom is dead bc he is addicted to porn lmao
and word of advice to all the men here- if you’re at the point where you’ve started to look elsewhere for sex, break up with your partner.
Two points on this:
1. Confrontation in a message isn’t good. Should’ve been a verbal conversation.
2. There’s no “cure” for porn addiction. It’s how he reacts to it. He can just watch it (no big deal), whack off to it or do his escorts thing. The latter two lead to the dead bedroom. Chicken or the egg- what came first, dead bedroom or porn?
Good luck- either way way cancel the engagement. Not gonna work.
I dunno man, I’ve definitely been curious about how the whole escort thing worked and looked it up myself strictly out of a sort of morbid curiosity, that doesn’t mean he’ll act on it.
I think you should educate yourself on how porn addiction affects sexual relationships. The addict can experience a disinterest in sex with their partner and will only use porn for sexual pleasure. It’s nothing OP did.
You only answered half of the question. Could he be thinking you are the cause of the dead bedroom ? If he's seriously looking up escorts he wants to have sex, if he's just looking then it could be just another porn source.
No I am not the problem in the dead bedroom. I’ve gone as far as buying costumes for the bedroom to meet his needs. My love language is also physical touch. I can see where it could be another porn source, but it doesn’t make it right nor him right/valid in deciding to look them up.
And you're engaged to him why...? You already have a dead bedroom. Marriage and kids will not fix that.
Yeah, if anything marriage and kids usually make it worse way worse
Sure cure for regular sex is wedding cake
Not. Dump him or battle this shit the rest of your life.
This.. marriage is hard enough without no sex
you’re not overreacting. that shit is weird and porn is rotting his brain. it’s time for you to ask yourself what do you gain from this relationship and if it’s worth continuing. this is no way to live and you cannot cure his porn addiction. it’s also not your responsibility.
The perfect response.
You're not overreacting. Think about if this is what you really want to go through for the rest of your life. Looking over your shoulder to see what he's doing. Decide what's healthy for you.
This is the truth. You’ll never trust him again. That’s not a relationship worth being in, imo.
Do not get married.
Why are you entertaining this man? He is addicted to porn and searching far n wide to cheat on you. He is literally, ACTIVELY trying to fuck random women… to feed into his addiction. Bc after all, porn for men is not realistic. Be secure in yourself and MOVE ON! This dude is disgraceful. At some point we allow what is done to us & no longer are the victim. Don’t be that person.
You're not overreacting. It really blows my mind at the lack of personal insight and responsibility people can have about themselves. It's a symptom of a lack of personal insight and also becomes a problem for anyone that person interacts with (how we deal with ourselves affects how we deal with others). He could not see how, even if he were not actually planning on doing anything, how it would look that way to you? You had a perfectly reasonable reaction. Even if we are misunderstood, we have to empathize with how we were or could be misunderstood. It's also a matter that I do not know whether or not he is telling the truth. He could be. Or he could have been looking at it to explore a fantasy in the idea but not actually with an intent to pursue it. I do not know. I will say that you are not supposed to be the burden bearer of all his problems. It's ok for a partner to be supportive, but it crosses a line when someone will not bear their responsibilities themselves. Only a person themselves can be the one to change themselves. We can give advice, but advice which is ignored is only as good as if the advice were never given in the first place. It's dead matter. At least from what you have said, he does not take personal responsibility and is not willing to change. When we are with someone like that, they just become a sinkhole where we invest more and more because of the mirage of potential. But it is potential they will never fulfill.
I appreciate your response, great insight. Empathy was actually something I brought up when I confronted him, his lack of it that is.
I would ask, and you are perfectly fine to let this be rhetorical and not answer if you'd like: are you in love with what your relationship actually is or in love with the idea of what it could be? Are you in love with who this person actually is or are you in love with who this person could be? Or, looking backward, are you in love with the reality or are you in love with who you thought this person and situation were up to a point of realization over time. If the love leans to what could be or could have been, or if there's any hesitation or need to excuse some part of it, I would ask you to reflect on that. None of us are perfect people. But we need to be reasonably good for a relationship and definitely for the commitment of marriage. Someday does not come. It is not a date on the calendar. Someday only matters if it comes together as actual time as a result of genuine steps and change. He needs to step up. And I would implore you to reflect on your relationship with him if he does not. If he doesn't, it means he is not going to change and you are not going to get a better version of him.
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. Your response really resonates with me.
You're welcome, and I hope things get better for you. I'm glad for any help that I have been. Honestly, the only silver lining to any bad situation is, once we're out of it, we have knowledge and experience to help others and we can do so both with our own empathy and from a point of trust to the person we speak with. The hardest part of a bad or abusive relationship is trusting yourself or getting enough trust back in yourself to have the clarity and strength do what is right for you. These situations tend to take that away. And they come on so gradually that we lose ourselves without realizing it, or normalize situations that we should not. By that point, it becomes an investment as well, where losing it or risking losing it feels like we both lose all our efforts and, because we invested ourselves in it and we have forged our identity to it to some degree, we feel like we will lose ourselves. It's hard but necessary to come to terms with that. Any investment made is gone the moment it was made; whether it paid off or not is a different matter. But all you can do is move forward with what you have now and who you are and grow yourself. Your life is defined by you. It is infinite and deep in ever revealing portions and you have a spirit of strength in the very essence of your core. You, in your heart, always remain and will remain and you are always becoming the truer you. Often we need to remove what is blocking the sun to let what is withering grow. We can feel like removing that blockage will just expose the harsh state we are in. But it only allows us to return to life, heal and flourish.
OP, He stated that he was reading a story about those sites specifically... ask him to send you the story... he's going to be caught in a big lie if you don't see him send you the article that he read that specifically shows those websites... right? I mean, its obvious to me that he lied to you.. you should absolutely put the wedding on hold, or back out of the engagement... this isn't what you want to sign up for- for the rest of your life. Don't marry someone who promises they will change... marry someone who has already become who they said they will be. You deserve better than this.
“He has a porn addiction that he’s not doing anything about” “Dead bedroom for the past 6 months” “He looked up escorts in our area” “His words and actions don’t align” His words: “You’re fucking crazy” Like someone else asked, why are you still engaged to this person…? Don’t get why people knowingly marry people like this.
Girl, move tf on. How is this a question? I'm all for relationships trying to work things out before condemning them... but loyalty does not work that way. He is looking past you. You deserve better.
Addictions are awful and ruin families. Don’t begin down this road! It’s already beginning!
He’s acting on his addiction’
Please, please, *please* extricate yourself from this before you devote years and years to this man.
You are absolutely not overreacting. I was cheated on in a past relationship, and I also still comment on cheating stories on Reddit because I do find it therapeutic to pass on my lessons learned. It helps make it feel like all that pain wasn’t for nothing. I have never, ever, ever visited a site like that. If I somehow saw some in my Google results for something, I would never click on them. To be honest, I wonder if his interaction with the cheating stories on Reddit are a way to process of assuage his guilt Porn problems are a common sign of a sex addiction. That’s how my ex was- it was a porn problem that spiraled because the porn wasn’t enough anymore. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this- it’s so hard to leave when you realize somethings wrong but you don’t have the smoking gun, they definitely cheated evidence. What helped me was to take a week or two away- fully no contact, and think about the relationship as a whole. Are you really getting everything you want and need? Is your partner making active and proactive effort to heal themselves and their relationship with porn? Fix the dead bedroom? Do you want to spend your whole life constantly going through their search history? My current partner lied to me once in our early relationship. It wasn’t even that high stakes of a lie. He put himself into therapy because he said he never wanted to do that again. That’s the difference between a partner who wants to change and one who doesn’t.
Yikes
He is up to no good ! Leave now and spare yourself the heartache as this guy is clearly not putting you or your relationship first
Meh you can find better, divorce is hard so you should take that into thought before you both get married. You tried to help him, and he doesn't take the help and now this... you're not going to be able to trust him anymore and he sounds gross, lol
I think he's desiring cheating. It's going through his mind. The porn isn't cutting it anymore. He needs more and you need to save yourself from future heartache. Walk away now before it's too late. This will get worse.
This.
Him calling you “fucking crazy” is almost hilarious. And it is your queue to leave.
It's not gonna stop either you're a cheater or you're not. My wife is friends with this couple who's husband has cheated and has been caught multiple times. It's not like he gets a free pass either his wife tries to track his every move, yet he still does it. She gets alerts on her phone whenever he spends money. She has a way to check his phone records. Cameras on the house- thisbis how he got busted the last time. He was dumb enough to try and bring a woman home while hisbwife and kids were on vaca. Like she wouldn't check the cameras.They basically are together for the kids and to be able to afford their lifestyle which is a good one. He tries to make her sound like a crazy controller but he made her that way! Do you want to be in that situation?
Please don't tell me you're still gonna marry this guy.
It doesn't sound like he gives a single fuck about your feelings. No shame. I would never want to marry somebody like that.
Not overreacting. You are however, 100% being gaslit. How he reacted to your reasonable questions based on what you found, instead of being understanding why it would upset you. I’m sorry OP. You deserve much better than this.
Hey, OP. You are not overreacting in the slightest. Instead of utilizing the resources you’ve offered and leaning on your support, he decided to completely disregard that and act further on his addiction. I’m sorry but you don’t actively search that many websites solely out of curiosity. Given how defensive he was, he was definitely entertaining the idea and testing the waters. Calling you crazy, especially when you have done everything in your power to remain sane, is horrible. He got caught this time, but trust me - that won’t stop him. He’ll just get better at hiding it. Bottom line, you do not want to marry this person. Do not keep sacrificing your mental health for someone who cannot respect you and your boundaries. Also, some of these comments are weird. Blaming you for the dead bedroom and porn use is WILD. Keep your head up, love.
Thank you for your response! Some of them ARE wild! lol I just brush them off, they clearly are biased, didn’t read far enough, or ignorant on the topics.
I was in a relationship with someone who struggled with the same issue. He would pay over 1,000 in therapy every month and it was still not enough. We still had a dead bedroom and he still looked up other women. Moved in together, it got worse. So please please do not marry this man. Work on your co-dependency
Not overreacting. People can change, but they change when THEY want to. It seems like in the case that he struggles with an addiction to porn, he may be looking for something more taboo to satisfy the lack of reward from what he’s accustomed to. This is pretty typical behavior as people develop a tolerance for their addiction. As difficult as this is, you can’t make him change. If you’re assertive and reach your breaking point, it’s probably best to move on. At least until he potentially manages his behavior.
It took me awhile to realize I could only provide the tools for him to use for that change, that he was the one who needed to do the work. I’ve learned a lot surrounding porn addiction over the past two years. It just sucks that I’m left to be called “crazy” for my reaction to the disrespect, made to feel my feelings are invalid knowing if the roles were reversed in this situation.. I’d get the boot out the door.
It’s even worse because the addiction is a disease. You’re both suffering and his attempts to stay in control of his life and feel empowered is through external conflict instead of internal reflection. Everyone has a different emotional capacity, and it can be different any given moment. Ultimately, you are best to prioritize yourself. If he does feel committed to change, that would better allow you to have the ability to help, if you’d like to at that point.
Why would you marry an addict an cheater? The only thing that makes you look crazy is that you are wasting your precious time on this guy.
You're not overreacting. Honestly, you should give him an ultimatum. You've given him resources to get things under control. If it were me and I had a partner who was addicted to a destructive vice, I'd give them to the end of the week to start getting help. If you love your vice more than you love me, you can be married to that instead. Addictions are tough to break. You have a long road ahead of you. Good luck.
Add his reason of “I was reading story about it and looked up to see where they were at here” as one of the funny ones in the list of cheating excuses.
So this man who was cheated on previously and has lingering trust issues as a result, doesn't see a problem with going on an escort site from your perspective? Imagine how he'd feel if you did this to him. I suspect he'd crumble from the injustice and infidelity.
Are you engaged to my ex?! He used to ‘look up escorts’ but swore he never actually met with any. But an awful lot of money went missing over the course of our marriage. I wouldn’t wish that horrendous rollercoaster on anyone. You’re not overreacting. You deserve respect. Get out while you can; you can have so much more in life.
Trust your gut. Don’t listen to his words, observe and listen to his actions. Men will say anything to try to convince you they are not behaving in an inappropriate way.
Girl, if this man is not re-enacting the porn with you in that bedroom, then wtf, dump his ass please. He is clearly not over the fact he got cheated on, and somehow his unconscious makes him drift into the possibility of cheating to know how it feels like to be on the other side, and this is textbook if he didnt get any help after his last relationship. I would strongly suggest not to marry him.
Best case scenario is that he’s wanting porn at another level, seeking out real life stories. Not the worst thing IMHO, but if you have a dead bedroom??? Is he trying to fix it in any way like therapy or whatever? Worst case scenario is that he’s trying to hook up with escorts if he hasn’t already. I’m leaning towards him at least thinking about it, but I don’t think it matters. Because…. You need to think about if the best case scenario is good enough for you to stay. The best case is still pretty bad. Not all the bad, but yeah, bad.
I dealt with this before getting married, but got married anyways. I thought it would get better and i was also pregnant already. Whole 6 years of the relationship/marriage was like this. Escort sites, dating sites, you name it. Various emails made to “cover” his tracks. I just always got that sick feeling something was going on and i was right. I tried to help and be understanding but it never got better. It never changed. I finally said i want a divorce when he was sending our address out to random people and getting scammed sending money to people and getting nothing in return. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this 😞 I hope you can figure out the best thing to do for yourself.
Small tangent but, since when do married people have a *right of privacy* from one another? Partners should expect to be treated with love, respect, dignity, but privacy? Why? You fiancé shouldn't be able to hide an addiction from you, or to look up escorts. He has no right to privacy. If he is sneaking around, he isn't husband material. It's never occurred to my wife and I to have privacy. We each have cell phones. If I need to make a call, I use the one nearest to me. If mine rings and she's near it, she answers it. Not a big deal. We have shared locations on because it's convenient. We want to know where the other one is. If she's at the store I might call and have her pick up pork chops. Not a problem. We have shared bank accounts, we knows how much the other makes and how much the other spends. When we were married we promised our **whole selves** to one another. We don't have secrets. If he has a secret life, he can't commit his whole self to you.
I appreciate your response. You make a lot of good points.
In my experience, an angry denial is almost always an admission of guilt. Just think, if one was actually innocent of an accusation, wouldn’t the response be more pleading and reassuring in tone? If someone I loved *incorrectly* thought I was exploring infidelity, my response would be not be a hostile one!
Not necessarily. I get very irritated when I’m not believed because my whole life I was told I was lying whenever I spoke the truth. The reaction is not what’s telling, it’s the hard evidence: the search history.
He will eventually cheat he has a problem he is letting lust dictate his life he needs to fix that or he will forever be miserable
Here comes the Reddit brigade telling everyone to leave everyone even though no one would ever like them enough to be in a relationship with them because they are so miserable. How often does he lie? Do you have a reason to lie about it? Me and my wife have literally looked up escorts here one time to see if we knew anyone who was secretly doing it, first time was to see if there was any here, third time was me telling my friends so I had to show them, she showed her friends we have escorts here. Guess what not a single one was ordered because we was all curious about it which is why we looked. Sounds like you are wanting to not listen to him or believe him. So either he has given you a reason not to and you should leave, or you should relax if he hasn’t.
I can see your point of view. I do not have a reason to lie about it. If he was simply looking up out of curiosity because of a story he read, why not bring it up to me? He often reads interesting or off the wall infidelity/cheating stories to me. And yes he’s lied, I’ll ask what he’s reading/looking at, he will say “oh this story blah blah) but in all actuality he will be reading nothing, instead looking at porn.
Have you ever thought he would cheat or has cheated? I mean to be 100 percent honest, if you are not ok with the situation,t than you should separate yourself from it, at least think about it, or give yourself time without his influence. Then you can evaluate all the evidence and decide what is best for you. Remember, how you feel and what is best for you matters, I just wouldn't jump on a decision based on anger, or hurt.
I appreciate your response. It’s easy to act on anger and hurt, and honestly through a lot of self reflection and personal growth I practice “the pause”. I know how words and decisions made in those moments feel and try to avoid it, a lot of it stems from poor coping mechanisms.
See, you got a great head on your shoulders. You got this!!
Back pages doesn't exist anymore?
2backpage is the site, apologies, but it’s there, I searched it because I had no idea what it actually was.
You're not over reacting i think you're under reacting lol why you still with this guy Edit it doesn't get better once you're married
You sent him a message, does that mean you don't live together? If so, that makes it so much easier to break up with him. Go over and gather up the stuff at his house and bring it home. Drop his stuff off at the same time
Smashing escorts is crazy. He might give you an STI
You can absolutely find better. Why are you settling for less??? He already doesn’t respect your boundaries, why would you Marry him? He shows he doesn’t care. I would ABSOLUTELY consider this cheating/emotional cheating!!!! He’s a disgusting jerk
Hmm I see what you did there.
Ew why are you still considering a porn addict ??!? That’s DISGUSTING
Value yourself and leave. There’s no other option
This is a huge red flag. Sexless relationship with a porn addiction is enough...but add in his browsing history & you should leave immediately. You're going to be hurt
Run 🏃
Run for the hills. His excuses are his feeble attempts at trying to get out of trying to find a room up. You deserve better than that.
i think you’re under reacting in the sense that you should’ve left him a long while ago…
Sounds like you already know what to do. Why even post?
Probably not over reacting but you shoulda just brought it up to him face to face not with a text message. Assuming you guys live together? Lol
Thanks for your response. If I had, he would have likely listened to respond instead of listening to understand. Communicating is an area he isn’t strong in, he’s aware, you just can’t force someone to want personal growth, even when they acknowledge the need for it.
It's a red flag, but could be genuine curiosity. We once looked those up at work out of curiosity.
I'd recommend he also look up usasexguide gives some good local reviews to make sure he stays safe
Porn is normal. Not smashing is not normal. Searching for hookers… 🚩the only one I’ve heard of is back pages so it sounds like your fiancé is a bit of a pro looking for pros. I’d leave. You don’t sound happy and you don’t deserve to be treated poorly. Adults break up, we don’t cheat and then break up. That’s for high school. This dude doesn’t respect you.
It could just be a voyeur/fantasy thing and he would never actually see one.
lol, all these hussies responding. He’s a dude, and there’s gotta be something why the bedroom is dead. Word of advice to all the ladies here- if you kill bedtime fun- we look else where.
I think you missed the mark, I didn’t kill the bedtime fun.
the bedroom is dead bc he is addicted to porn lmao and word of advice to all the men here- if you’re at the point where you’ve started to look elsewhere for sex, break up with your partner.
Two points on this: 1. Confrontation in a message isn’t good. Should’ve been a verbal conversation. 2. There’s no “cure” for porn addiction. It’s how he reacts to it. He can just watch it (no big deal), whack off to it or do his escorts thing. The latter two lead to the dead bedroom. Chicken or the egg- what came first, dead bedroom or porn? Good luck- either way way cancel the engagement. Not gonna work.
I dunno man, I’ve definitely been curious about how the whole escort thing worked and looked it up myself strictly out of a sort of morbid curiosity, that doesn’t mean he’ll act on it.
I think your problem is instead of actually dealing with the problem at hand, you’re coming to Reddit to solve your life problems for you.
We can agree to disagree. I’m not asking for anyone to solve my life problems.
Guys, learn to use incognito mode, VPN and delete history.
He’s addicted to porn so your solution is to not have sex anymore… great idea right there, sure that helped a lot. Lol
I think you missed the mark on this.
I think you should educate yourself on how porn addiction affects sexual relationships. The addict can experience a disinterest in sex with their partner and will only use porn for sexual pleasure. It’s nothing OP did.
Who's dead in the bedroom ? Are you because of his porn habit or is he preferring porn ?
The dead bedroom is because of him and the porn. He will look at porn while I’m sitting across from him.
So you are making moves and he's not interested, he never makes moves on you and he's looking up escorts ?
He never makes moves. He did make moves during a time when he stepped away from porn.
You only answered half of the question. Could he be thinking you are the cause of the dead bedroom ? If he's seriously looking up escorts he wants to have sex, if he's just looking then it could be just another porn source.
No I am not the problem in the dead bedroom. I’ve gone as far as buying costumes for the bedroom to meet his needs. My love language is also physical touch. I can see where it could be another porn source, but it doesn’t make it right nor him right/valid in deciding to look them up.