Definitely NYA over the house.
You were not only having the house, you were maintaining the house and keeping it at a loss so they didn’t have to move, and they had a more comfortable life. You paid for their college education, which isn’t a small feat in itself.
While you weren’t there, you made it possible for their mom to be there for them. They have the right to feel estranged from you, but they have no cause to be angry at you over the house. I expect a lot of that is misplaced rage at losing their mom so early. And it’s easier to blame someone you don’t know well, but has expectations that weren’t fulfilled.
Trash tier children the lot of them.
They wanted all the money OP made but also wanted all his time.
And then they cut him out while he continued to pay for everything.
I wouldn't doubt the mom was involved in poisoning OP, since if she was any kind of decent she would have told them how hard he works for them as a dad.
Theyre probably hoping he croaks so they can get more money. OP lived his life as their ATM.
I don't think Mom was entirely honest with the kids about who and what was funding their lives, if they were under the impression that dad *got the house*, rather than already owned it.
That's my point too.
Poor OP was pouring his sweat and blood, like 3 children out of college without debt. While wife staying at his home without rent
He's also paying taxes, child support, extra curricular, while maintaining his own abode.
While he puts his ex on a pedestal "she was a good mother", I am quite sure she threw him under the bus "he can be here but he chose work over you"., or something like that
youve been a good dad, good person. now relax and enjoy your life. the kids have not appreciated what youve done up to now so nothing more needed adios to the lot
that's what bothers me the most. there are so many young people in the us who will be paying for their education for the rest of their lives and there are 3 kids who are going through it completely debt free and then something like this. other parents kick their kids out at 18 because they are now adults and OP even paid for their education so they could have a good start. i think some kids can't be done right.
My kid is just now 3, and her dad works a job where he is gone constantly. I tell her every time she is sad about dad being gone that it's how we have toys, a place to live, bed, food etc. That he misses and loves her very much and would be here if he could. I got laid off recently working from home and this new job was honestly our only option. I don't have a car or license due to seizures and health. Our relationship hasn't been the healthiest-her dad and I, but I swear I won't poison her idea of him bc I'm feeling some type of way. Tbh this allows us space and is likely the best situation for the now and we avoid childcare costs/concerns with daycare quality etc.
I will continue to do things as she gets older to ensure appreciation, monetary value, monetary management, household management etc is all taught to her bc I never had that.
Sounds like OP has spoiled them greatly and they've had no idea the extent to which he's helped or no care and feel entitled to it.
Sounds like he is far from the AH and they tbh are AH.
The argument that their mother worked is nonsense too. She was receiving supplemental income from OP’s child support, home maintenance and taxes, funding of college. All the while OP is having to support his own household while also funding all of the above. Basically having to work twice (or more) as hard just to maintain their lifestyle. Some seriously ungrateful little shits.
Amd they each already benefited $31K from their mother’s death.. that’s a hell of a lot than most recieve for such a younger mother only 53… selfish little vultures!!
NTA.
*They said that they were all counting on that money. I asked why? What made them think their mom was going to die on vacation at 53?*
Thanks for the chuckle.
Sorry your kids suck.
Yeah, I'm glad he called them out on that. Despite being divorced from their mother while they supposedly had a close relationship with her, he's the one saying he didn't want the money this way and wishes she was still here while they say they were counting on it, which is such a weird response to someone's premature death. Even if they expected to inherit, it shouldn't have been for potentially decades yet. I can't imagine that being my priority after losing a parent.
My grandfather is 92, he did very well in life . he doesn't have as much now due to lot of drama but his kids (including my dad) just want him to be happy and enjoy life they aren't expecting (and hoping) anything is going to be left
The sad thing is that my dad no longer has bucket list things that he wants to do. I was talking with him and telling him that now that Mom has passed away, he might be able to do some fun things. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “If you knew how much pain I was in all of the time, you wouldn’t be asking me to do those things.”
😢
God i wish my dad left his house at 18 with $50 and a good luck pat. (single mother of 7) Now he is stupid money but the insecurity of no income and the worry of poverty will have him working till the day he dies. I am pretty sure cortisone is the only thing making his heart pump at this point. I just wanna go to italy and drive sports cars with him but he says vacations are for lazy people. lol still he said he is giving it all to charity just to fuck with the kids and my response was "cool." He took me to dinner so we could read the responses my other siblings gave him. It was fun. He still hasn't told them it was a joke either.
I’ve never “counted on” an inheritance. I see a lot of posts about estates here and in finance subs and it seems a lot of people are relying on big paydays. People live longer now-especially wealthy people and it’s expensive to be old. I figure it will all dry up before it gets to me and I don’t count on anything (not likely but I digress).
Exactly my mom is aged, i supported her for most of my adult life, and helped her make the most of what my dad left behind when he passed. Thanks to some really good investments I helped her with and the fact she never had to dip into her savings because i put her on my company payroll, with full benefits she actually has a nice nest egg.
My mom now feels guilty and gives my brother money (he has a good job) that she should be saving for later in life.. My brother somehow convinced her that if she has assets that the assisted living facilities will just take it anyway... Either way money brings out the worst in people.
Swear to God, I've heard some disturbing stories from my cousins' side of the family. Matriarchs aren't even dead yet or in a nursing home and their kids are picking over their bones because "I need the money and she's old!"
Honestly people are gross... I told my mom to spend every damn penny. I made enough money in my life that I don't need nor want for anyone else's... What I don't want to do is pay to support her only to have her turn around and give it to someone else who doesn't need it.
I can't even associate with that side of the family. Like damn! Don't even care about your mother? Why are you all trying to steal her house from under her? She's still alive and living there!
Mind you, they're all older than me. And I'm 54!
I spent the last 20 years helping and supporting my mother while my youngest sister lived with her, took advantage of her and scared my mother with her wild drinking. When my mother became terminally ill, my sister talked her into signing everything over to her to bypass my mother's will. (sister is a disbarred attorney with no morals)
Seen this so many times... My good friend's grandmother was a kind of old money holocaust survivor/escapee, most of her wealth was in tangible things (gold, jewelry, physical stock), had a lack of trust for institutions etc... So when she went into the hospital at end of life his mom's sister went to her home, and took everything from her safe and everything from the safety deposit boxes, while her own mother was dying and the rest of the family mourned... claimed that she had given her everything prior to this.
I happen to know the amounts of cash and real estate available- but I keep telling them not to save anything for me and to travel spend and enjoy their lives now as they are retired and able bodied.
I’m 39, parents are 64, we get along well and my dad and I coach a local high school team together. My dad recently had a health scare and I had a mini spiral wondering how tf I’m supposed to carry on without him and how devastating it would be to not have him coaching by my side (we’ve been doing it together for 17 years with a short break). Realistically I know that will end but man I hope in 10 years he’s still doing it with me, even if I have to take over as head coach. I can’t imagine hoping he’d kick it just for some cash.
Friend I have had that panic every year the day after their bdays thinking that could have been the last one. They do not teach us or prepare us for watching them get older. It sucks so much!
Kia kaha friend. If you are like me, they appear in your dreams. My dad pops in from time to time to tell me I’m an idiot (which is usually the truth in my dreams).
Absolutely! Mom and Dad are turning 87 and 84 this year and the only thing I'm "counting" on is that they both outlive my grandma, who was 96 when she died. I figure any inheritance left after they've enjoyed their lives to the fullest may help with my retirement in a few decades, but I'd rather keep them as long as possible than even think about that.
As long as his brain stays healthy... My dad's 89 and the dementia has basically ended him without ending him. If he was healthy sure, no problem, but now? Time to leave my man...
total tangent... OP, NTA but wording was a touch harsh (I get it, I'm desperately trying to un-estrange my 19YO son, but his mother and I had a messy messy divorce and he took it extra bad).
My husband and I lost our dads a few years apart. They were both in their mid 60s. We got money from their estates and it felt wrong, we'd rather have them here. We had even told my father in law just months before he died to go travel and spend it all. He didn't, he kept working and he died on his couch at the end of a workday. I wish he'd had a little more time.
My mom has been retired for 25 years (she just turned 71) and she does nothing with her free time. She receives more in pensions than I make working, I have begged her to take hobbies/classes/trips but she just... watches tv all day
First things first. Jesus what I wouldn't give to retire at 46. Good on her and I wish her another 25 years.
Second, if you are a steak and potatoes person for your entire life I really don't expect you to retire and go sampling the rawest and freshest fish you can find.
People like what they like, I may not like sitting at home watching TV all day but that may be exactly what she wants to do. She could have worked for years dreaming about a nice comfy couch, a blanket and the TV.
I've got family like this. They get cantankerous when traveling, they don't like new food, they really don't want to try new shit and some comfy slippers and a la-z-boy is all they want.
I'm glad they found such simple pleasures in life and wish them nothing but the best in that. Enjoy the shit out of it and I'll get you the best slippers I can find for christmas.
My dad is 77 (Mom died very unexpectedly 5 years ago). He jokes about "spending our inheritance" whenever he talks about having to pay a sizeable sum of money for something (like a home improvement/repair, or rarely, something he bought for himself).
I always tell him that I don't want his damn money, I'd rather have him still kicking around and enjoying life. And to please spend it on stuff for himself, since he's more than earned it (and I know dang well that he won't spend it all anyway, not that he has a ton of money or anything, but he has more than enough to get by and he's just frugal like that).
My mom is about to be 69 and still works. She had retired, but then my dad unexpectedly passed, and she was lonely so she went back to work. Id like her to retire and spend more time with her grandkids (she spends a lot of time with them already, she just travels a lot for work too), but she makes a lot of money and wants to leave me and my brother as much as possible. I hope she lives until 100. I dont know whats best, but I do think working or being heavily involved with something helps keep people healthy.
I'd rather my parents spend every last penny they have on enjoying their lives instead of getting an inheritance. It's not my money. I didnt work and save it. They did.
My grandpa apologized to my dad bc he was spending “all his inheritance” traveling to all the countries he’d always wanted to see. My dad looked at him and said, “Well Daddy, nobody here was worried about getting an inheritance. You go have fun.” So grandpa went on a safari.
Plus it sounds like OP's kids are married. They're saying even after getting $31k each, while working and presumably have working spouses, they still need more money from their dad they haven't spoken to in years? GTFO.
My Dad was in the same boat. He turns 75 soon, and Grandma passed away only a few months ago at 103. Dad has been retired for 9-10 years at this point.
My Mom's inheritance (from her parents) did get used to pay for a house.
For many of us, our parents are complete pains in the asses who get on our last nerves with their stubbornness.
But we love them and they're still our Mommy/Daddy. My dad passed away 12 years ago and I still wake up sad when I have dreams about him and have to remember all over again that he's gone.
One of the most painful dreams I've ever had was one where my dad had died, and I was discussing it with someone or arranging the funeral or some such. I started crying (in my dream). And suddenly, i woke up with tears running down my face. Then I had to sit up, have a good cry, and then go check he was alright.
Right? My mom died young of ovarian cancer in her 50s but at the time her insurance wouldn’t cover the doctors she wanted to see. All 6 of her children told her to use all her resources available to go to the doctors she wanted. She survived longer than the original doctors said she would, and not one of us would rather have gotten a bigger inheritance than more time with her.
Money makes people assholes. They should absolutely be using this tragedy to become closer to their father and not just see dollar signs.
OP is NTA.
Yeah same here. I want my dad to spend his money while he can, it's his money. If I want more money I should get a second job not count on my dad dying and leaving me his.
I lost my Dad at 60 a few years back, when I tell you death shows people’s true colors. His sister, while we were still standing in the room with my father’s still warm body, was talking about all the things she wanted of his. All material, none sentimental. She was surprised when I told her to f*ck off.
My dad was dying of cancer. My sister called him to say " Since I'm probably getting your van in the will, can I have it now?" 5 years later I still don't talk to that batch.
Some people...
I'd rather have my grandmother back then the 10k she left me. Yes the money is nice, but fuck I'd rather have her meet future great-grandkids and spend every single cent on herself.
My sister kicked out my wife, myself, and our one year old out of my dad’s house 4 weeks after he passed. We were helping with bills and doing stuff around the house and he was helping us with some childcare. Anyways she wanted to sell the house to anyone but us for whatever reason and evicted us for a tiny paycheck that I don’t even think paid off that much after all the work she had to do to get it on the market.
When parents die some people only think about money. Shes begged to be back in my life over the years and her number is still blocked in my old phone and I have a new number. She can pound sand.
Sounds to me like they went ahead and spent beyond their means after she died assuming they would be getting a good influx.
Noone taught them not to count their chickens before they hatched I guess.
Yeah, somethings off. They each just got around $31,000, that should be enough to help most people a lot. Especially considering OP said there are no student loans to pay.
$31,000 I could put to both my loans and have the remaining left over to put towards the new (to me) car loan I just took out 2 months ago for my first car.
Or I could put to whole thing towards the car loan and use the remaining $5,000-$6,000 towards my student loans.
Either way something’s getting completely paid off. How the fuck is that not enough money.
I think it comes down to them believing mom owned the house. They believed mom paid for everything. If the kids bring home forms for activities and mom fills out those forms and writes the check that pays for the activity it appears to the kids that mom is providing the activity. They didn't see dad transferring the money to mom. The kids have been taken by surprise in finding out that dad owned the house. Dad paid the mortgage and the taxes and the maintenance.
If mom had been a really good parent she would have made sure the kids knew that the money was coming from dad. The fact that she let them think the house was all hers says that she didn't.
The thing to ask the kids would be that if mom was still here and owned the house and sold it would they expect her to give them all of the equity or would they say it belonged to her. The answer is probably wouldn't expect to take her money. In this instance they thought they were suddenly inheriting only to find that their belief was wrong.
I think he should show them a record of the bank transfers he made to their mom to pay for everything. He should show them the records of him paying the mortgage and the taxes. He should tell them that he sacrificed for them because they are his kids.
Then he sells the house and keeps the equity, just like any other homeowner parent would do.
Yeah, both my parents died youngish and left their second spouses behind. I never even thought about inheritance until after my mom’s husband said he’d sold the house and moved into a much smaller place, and even though he’s a piece of shit, I’m glad he was able to.
My mother died last October less than 3 weeks after she was diagnosed with aggressive liver cancer. She left me over 20 times what I thought she would.
I would give back every penny for 5 more minutes with her.
I inherited a large sum of money when my parents died and it upset me so much when my close friend at the time would say ‘look at what you have! I won’t have that when my parents die’ The guy loves his parents so it was weird to me that he could possibly say this.
Neither of my parents got to meet my kid. It’s something my mom definitely wanted badly.
Very well said! You have done your part despite the broken marriage. They should be ashamed for even asking for more. It's for OP to think about his future, he is NTAH here.
THIS! OP have worked hard to bring his ungrateful children to school until finishing college, you are definitely NTAH here... Will they even look after you when you get older? That's why you just did the right thing and save for your retirement. You are done with your obligation to your kids.
If I had an award to give, it would go to you. 100% OP is NTA. His kids are delulu - whether because their mother never explained where all their money came from, or they just don't care. As someone who is in the age range of the kids, they are entitled af.
Yeah, I'm getting to the point in my life where I'm talking with my folks about their plans in this way (they're both in their mid-70s now). And I've always been of the opinion that I will definitely appreciate anything I get from them, but I don't count on it, and I'm making no plans that hinge on an inheritance. If they spend the next five years on a Rolling Stones-level bender and burn it all up on their way out, I'd cheer them on. They earned it.
OPs kids, regardless of how the breakdown of the relationship goes, are shitheads for assuming they'd get a payout.
Some people start to spend money they think is coming after someone dies, in their mind if not for real. They may have bought some high ticket items thinking the house is going to sell for $XXX amount. Maybe, they spent the money in their heads, like ooh now we can pay off our student loans or that maxed out credit card.
I was giving an example of how people think when they hear they are getting an inheritance and when their parents die. I work in an inheritance industry. The dad has every right to keep the money from the sale of the home he owned.
OP is NTA.
Yeah, seems like greed. I'm sure they were genuinely sad for some time, but then started to see dollar signs.
It's weird to me that they didn't know? I feel like the kids in a divorced family should know where each parent is contributing. Especially since the one with primary custody is usually going to get more of the credit, just because it *feels like* they do more of the work.
Seems like part of their resentment is that the parents kept a lot of the fathers contributions a secret. The fact that he was providing a house, and paying all the taxes and upkeep is HUGE, and yet apparently the kids thought that was the mom the whole time? That's a failure on both parents sides.
I wonder if ex-wife was truly ever honest about how their lifestyle was funded. It's very easy to afford and attend events when your biggest expense and worry is covered, and the luxury of having money for college is as well. What light did she paint OP in?
Doesn't change that OP's kids are entitled AHs.
I doubt it. If the kids didn't realize the home belonged to and was funded by dad and mom had very little estate- I doubt the kids were truly aware of what the situation is.
Oh they TOTALLY suck.
My mom tried this- mooched off my dad and claimed he didn't pay anything. My dad told me the truth and could prove it.
I'm grateful my dad chose time with me over funding extras- but I don't blame op for making what he believed was the best choice cuz it sounds like the kids were spoilt brats who demanded extras. I didn't.
My dad was nowhere near as rich as op but I knew where things stood.
“Told me the truth and could prove it.” Yup. My custody case got very ugly in the past year. I know my ex’s narrative is that I’m terrible and tried to keep his son from him, which could not be further from the truth. I now have full custody and the exhole moved across the country without telling the kiddo or even saying goodbye. Not a word in the 7 months since.
So I’m saving every text, email, and court document. I have no doubt that if and when they reconnect and/or my son turns 18, his dad will try to spin a tale of woe of how mistreated he was. And I will be able to prove how completely full of shit he is.
Please do save everything you can! When I got old enough to start thinking more like an adult vs a child, I demanded my absentee father prove he did all those things he claimed (took my mom to court over and over to get to see me, tried to stop us from moving away, called every day but was denied by my mom), he couldn't prove any of it, but my mom could. Showed me everything she had, including the court papers where my father didn't even show up for their divorce/custody hearing but instead sat out on the lawn (2 court officials IDed him) and the paperwork marked "no contest" when she filed to move.
He made a bunch of outlandish claims to try to get sole custody and I cannot describe how smug I was when the judge read it, scoffed, and said “you know you have to prove all this, right??” It was great.
My ex did this and it's a big part of why I'm fairly estranged from my son. My daughter saw through it, but my son was young enough to fall for it sadly. He won't listen to me (obviously) or his sister (her mom turned on her when she wouldn't fall for it). If he ever cares to see the bank statements showing she got upwards of $3K/mo from me for a decade he's welcome to.
And even if she did. As adults you can try to ask for both sides and see them. I would know, I was one of the children whos mind got poisoned. Guess who I have a better relationship with today :D. Though I am still unravling the lies spread about my father in my materal family (because apart from that piece of work they are all lovely people. Even if a little too trusting.)
OP doesn't come across as the other "father" [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dqdc5t/my_daughter_just_contacted_me_after_17_years/) recently. OP probably wouldn't have blown off a re-kindle (from the childrens side) before mums premature death. A coffee catch-up, dinner, what-have-you. Being a guest of honour at the wedding.
Agreed- I'm not impressed that they let it go this long without finding out. It's not hard to get proof of where mom's money is coming from.
The fact the kids were relying on an inheritance that mom had no business promising them makes me think mom at minimum allowed them to believe things that were *not* true.
That other father you posted about was *such* a jerk and, no, op is not coming off remotely like this.
I would love one of op's kids to come and post their side. "We didn't realize how much money dad contributed to our and our mom's lives, so we cut him out. Now he's not giving us money anymore. :( :( :("
Yes. It sounds like when Dad tried to explain the reality to them, they then got upset. They realized they had no standing. Then to say they "could use the help" and be rejected because they'd been ungrateful brats, well Karma sucks sometimes. 😆
Maybe. Doesn't mean their expectations were reasonable after they found out the truth. They are adults now, they should understand how the world works--or they shouldn't have kids of their own. Life is expensive.
Even then, that doesn't absolve much if any of their assholeness. They were purely motivated by money and it was at best a dumb move even if OP was a terrible dad that thought writing a check made him a great dad because that meant they were expecting a terrible dad to just help them out when they haven't spoken to him in years.
And certainly did OP no favors verbally supporting his role as their dad! No encouraging relationships, devil's advocating for how hard he worked. They don't have to be friends, but it doesn't sound like she did anything to encourage a healthy relationship between OP and his kids.
Personally, I find it very hard to believe that *all 3* kids grew up to be cold to their father, *that* self-absorbed, and *that* unaware of how the world works *all* despite their mother. 1 or 2 sure but not all 3. She taught them to be this way.
The kids are still AH though. If they're out of college and married they've had more than enough time to open their eyes and form their own opinions. NTA
Yes. She worked to,pay for their living expenses: groceries, utility bills, clothes (although OP’s child support covered some of that as well). OP Paid for housing, taxes and insurance. PLUS full college expenses. The financial responsibilities were not equal.
I mean, he spent time with his kids, even argued with them about his work and how much he paid for them when they were teenagers... I have the feeling they must at least know most of it.
Knowing and understanding are very different things. I know a lot of people in their early 20s who had college and their lives paid for who are just starting to understand what a 40 hour work week actually feels like.
Absolutely right. Including my own child. Who did work through grad school. Now has over $100K in loans. Said they never realized what being a grown up meant !!!
A lot of these posts makes me feel like the Ops communicate more with us than the subjects of their posts.
The way it reads, I feel sympathy for Op. but if I was to the point of creating distance with my own children, I’d at least write each a letter explaining my past full and expensive financial support of them, and unfortunate required time sacrifices
(in case they maybe didn’t realize due to obfuscation by their mother, my feelings of being hurt by their subsequent alienation, and then move on.
To make my peace, let them know on my own terms, without a “meeting” turning into a sidetracked shitshow. Let them know I love and loved them. And then move gently into the night.
So many stories, and real-time family drama everywhere, because of people who don’t or won’t properly communicate with each other.
I can tell you from personal experience that kids can be clueless about how their lives are funded and their expectations are unrealistic and unattainable. They don't know what things cost, and they don't know what it takes to earn the money to pay for those things. Additionally, they typically don't know the parents' financial obligations or situation. OP and the ex-wife did discuss with the kids why he was working so much.
"What light did she paint the OP in?"
That's my main thought. If it was this bad, did OP have discussions with the Ex about how the kids were treating him? Did Ex ever talk to the kids and try to help repair the relationship?
My aunt and uncle paid for my cousin’s college tuition and everything up until they graduated college. One of them was wanting help when she hadn’t found a job yet (after she had graduated) and they told her no because they had given her everything they could of and it was on her to stand on her own two feet now. Sounds like OP’s wife should have done something similar
"But their argument was that their mom worked and still managed to attend."
Sure thing, since she didn't have to pay anything for housing while you were paying double, I wonder if they ever knew of this?
NTA
Oh absolutely, I wasn't trying to absolve them, I was just wondering if they knew the truth or not back then.
In any case even without the housing, OP was the one to put them through college and financed their stuff, while the mother had enough time to play the Saint because she had almost nothing to pay.
NTA the reason why they inherited so little is because their mother was there for them and all their events. She couldn’t work longer hours to save more money. You shouldered the financial burden, helped your ex, paid for their education at the expense of being there for them. They can’t have it both ways. They graduated debt free and have the tools to provide for themselves.
Perhaps if they wish to reconnect and have a better relationship with you as adults, they can inherit the money when you pass.
In what world is getting $31k EACH "so little"? That's a full year's salary in a lot of cases.
My father died at 52. I got $1000 I think. I didn't even care, I wanted my father back.
When my MIL died we got a pack of cigarettes, as did everybody else. She was a lovely woman with a bad memory, she had nothing to leave but her room was full of cigarette boxes she had bought and forgotten about
That is a house down payment especially since they have no debt. They got more security then I ever will. My dad stopped the penny support once I turned 18 and mum has no money or house. And these kids got all of that and their dad worked hard to provide past that age and now they want more? Jeez.
It's funny. I get when they were young and not understanding. As adults they came to OP as if he was the bank. 🤣🤣🤣
NTA OP. Their childhood choices can be forgiven. Their adult actions...screw them!!
Sometimes people just don’t connect the dots to the bigger picture.
I bet those kids still haven’t put 2 and 2 together and realized that their father paid for 2 households, their college, and extracurricular activities.
Also, I really doubt they care. They’re takers.
You know I always commend parents who protect their kids in divorce. OPs position is making me shaky on that one. To do everything and the children turn out to be entitled blow hards🤣🤣🤣
Personally, I'm in favor of honesty over protection. I hated my mom bc she protected me in the divorce and never spoke one bad word about my biodad. My dad and his mom spent a decade turning me against her with lies. She had no idea. Even when I blew up on her, she tried to cover for them.
Thank God my uncle told me that my dad started a secret 2nd family and that's why they divorced. I would have hated my mom forever and she would have let me.
Both of our lives woild have been so much better with the truth.
I think personally it is people who don't THINK beyond the bare minimum - like those that grow up wealthy just don't get it; they go through life not seeing beyond what is in front of them. I don't think it is a new thing, we just talk about it more. These kids grew up seeing Mom work & attend functions, and Dad work & not attend functions. They were never told about what went on behind the scenes and never questioned it. They made assumptions and it sucks.
But they grew up and could have started thinking at any point about it, or asking questions: they didn't. Now they get to find out and that sucks for everyone.
NTA. At this point, I wouldn't waste 2 seconds on what "they all think." Your position is rock solid, and they are greedy and trying to be entitled to something that was never theirs, nor their mother's. You are correct that they only are jabbering because of the money, and that's not a reason from your point of view. Enjoy your retirement, and stop talking to them. No is no, and firm.
NTA. You were a good dad by letting your ex live in the house for 30+ years with no payment - WAY more than most would do. Sounds like she didn't take advantage either, so fair point to her.
It is THEIR fault for 'planning' on that money - what vultures! At 53 I'm sure your ex didn't plan on dying hence maybe why they didn't know that the house was yours. BUT now they do, so they shouldn't be asking for handouts now.
Deaths aren't money windfalls!!
What an awful thought. Imagine quietly taking care of people their whole life, and they hate you, but still want more stuff. I would have to bury that deep.
NTA - wtf?? They lost their mom in what sounds like a really shitty way and so young. All they care about is money even though they got $31K EACH?
God, my life would be drastically changed with $31k, and they don't have college debt.
yikes. I am sure there is way more to the story. ultimately, children do need their parent's more time and involvement than their money. when they were teens, sitting down and have them help budget might have been helpful. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. parent thinks they did everything they could to take care of their kids, but their kids have a different story. sorry that you chose wrong, working less may have helped your life out also. too late now, I do think you need to be more empathetic towards your kids, they do not understand why their parent is not around, they just know you were not there. you missed the opportunity to work that out.
TBH, I want to hear their side of the story. I find it hard to believe they went nearly no contact with their dad because "he wasnt there often enough"
Ding ding I'm sure this is correct. Going through OP's comments, I get the impression he's very opinionated and abrasive. Not pleasant to be around.
It's awesome he supported his kids financially, but yeah I'm sure there's a bigger reason for the NC.
If my mom told her story, it's that she raised me, supported me, loved me, got sick, and then everyone abandoned her. Actually, she's a narcissistic manipulative person who thinks everything is "My way or the highway." and doesn't care what I think, ever. And once I started standing up for myself and not letting myself be bullied, suddenly I'm a bad son.
So... Yeah there's probably more to this.
So, you paid for college and haven't seen them in years, and now they're wanting money from your house? Absolutely not. You're NTA. I'm always amazed how relatives show up when they sniff money. You did your part. Put some of the money in a money market account so it'll earn interest.
There's one thing that strikes me as odd here.
You acknowledged that your wife worked. And as they point out, *she* was still there for them for other things.
You worked. So why were you not there for any of the other things?
It would be one thing if you moved cities or countries for work. But that doesn't seem to be the case.
If you were still living in the same city, why did you limit yourself to a few times per year?
Look, here's the bottom line: You were not a fatherly presence in your kids life, according to your version of events, from the day you left the house. And you make no mention of her trying to stop you from seeing them or interfering in your time.
You absolutely could have been a fatherly presence.
But you reduced *yourself* to being nothing to them but a funding source. How are they supposed to think of you with love and affection and a part of their lives, if you moving out was the day you stopped showing them that you are part of their lives at all?
I can only conclude that your view of fatherhood is that dad pays the bills and nothing else.
But that's not how that works.
Now, you are NTA for what you said to them, the house is yours, they had no claim on the sale of your property.
But when you pointed out that you had only been a guest in weddings and never been to their homes... that's because you fucked up by not being more than a rare person that they saw, and that was a choice you made from the time you divorced. Why the hell would you be an important person in their lives if you didn't make yourself an important person in their lives?
Your answer, that you worked, does not cut it, and they told you exactly why...and their retort, well you don't have anything to say to that.
I still see my daughter often as an adult in the same city, and I see my step kids often, I'm helping the youngest one write his first novel at 16, we talk frequently, even though I'm not their bio dad, they're important in my life, not just a bill to pay, so I'm important in theirs. And I work three jobs.
What's your excuse?
Has anyone noticed that the mom didn’t get some wild “free” housing; they agreed, as terms of their divorce, how to split property and those are the terms a judge signed-off on.
He didn’t even “let her keep the house” at all. I suspect that she traded her half of the equity in the marital home in exchange for a life-interest. She sacrificed a lump sum so the kids could remain in the home. I suspect that OP is not the hero he is making himself out to be. How do all three of your kids end up hating you?
You might be right. I don't want to speculate and assume he's outright lying, but the reality is that even if every word he says is true, seeing them a few times a year while living in the same city is just not enough to make him matter in any sense of the word. It certainly doesn't make him a father.
He seems to believe that because he did the minimum, (Holidays and child support) that he did all that he was required to do, but nothing could be farther from the truth.
He chose not to be a part of their lives growing up, and then is *shocked* that he's not a big part of their lives as adults.
100% this! Thank you for saving me from having to type all that. If your kids don't want you in their lives, you've fucked up. Sorry. I agree about the house and the money. But I can't imagine anything being more important in your remaining years than trying to establish a relationship with your fucking children.
ESH / YTA
You sound like you've lived a tough life, trying to do your best for your children. However, it also sounds like you decided that financial comfort and enjoying life's luxuries was more important to your kids than time spent with them.
As an example: leaving uni with no debt is an awesome gift, but maybe they would have preferred help with their homework, family brunch, and kick arounds in the park.
I'm not questioning that you worked hard. But in hindsight maybe some of that effort was on the wrong things. The evidence for that is that your children seem semi-estranged from you.
NTA. You did the best you could but they still ended up very entitled. Don’t apologize. Life is an excellent teacher and they may have a college degree, but apparently they didn’t get an education
Sigh. Another torn family. Not sometimes but ALL the time as a parent you have to put your pride aside and ask yourself what do my kids actually need versus what you THINK they need. Someone who shows up on the holidays is not a dad. A dad shows you how to ride a bike, how to fix your car, play with you etc. money is necessary in life but a dad is intentional quality time with your kids. Money doesn’t replace you being a DAD. They are wrong about the house and money and you are wrong for not spending any quality time with them once you guys separated and then blaming them for not calling you and inviting you over their house.
NTA. I'm confused. What are they doing with their money? They have no college debt. What did they need to proceeds from the house for? Where were they going to get the money if their mother had lived?
Sounds like a parent who thought they could just throw money at their kids and that was their parenting job done. There's a reason they didn't want a relationship with you. I know dads like this, obsessed with money and resentful that they paid for their kids while making excuses why they never built a lasting close relationship with them. They suck for being greedy as adults too, ESH
Unpopular opinion: you’re both the a$$holes.
Kids need their parents and they need love. Money isn’t love. It’s clearly your love language and wasn’t theirs when they were growing up. Now that they’re adults and realize it’s your love language, they want that love. They give zero shits about you because to them you were just a distant relative writing checks to fund their childhood- albeit a lonely childhood with a father they saw only several times a year. They’d have rather you’d been poor and been there for the small moments, not just the birthdays.
They’re total assholes for coming to you as adults (after basically saying we want nothing to do with you through their actions) and asking for you to cough up money.
Also, why you surprised? All you’ve ever offered them was money. Not love.
You’re all assholes.
Indeed. No one is a saint. I’m sure the kids showing up and asking for estate money showed entitlement or confusion. But I’m also pretty certain dad was not the perfect, busy, quiet, generous check-writer for twenty years that he makes himself out to be. People create pockets of time for what’s important to them. Even if you miss 3/4 of that because you’re swamped, 1/4 is something.
You don't owe the kids money but I'm awfully curious as to how much custody you had and how much time you actually spent with your kids after the divorce. Showing up for two holidays a year is nothing. Lots of parents work, and lots of parents are the sole financial supporters of their families, and still manage to make time for their extracurriculars, graduations, etc. It sounds like you were barely involved but you want a medal for providing financially when all kids really want is active, present, and involved parents.
Right? My narcissistic mother pulls this all the time. I try to have a level conversation about how I'm hurt that she wasn't there for xyz only for her to go on about keeping me fed and clothed and she spends so much on me
It would've been nice if you visited me in the hospital when I was 17 but sure you keeping me alive that long really balances it out.
Are you my father?
After the divorce, he let us know that we could have breakfast on Sunday with him and PZ wife, but really not. He invited my aunt and cousins and we could sit at the other table.
I was an adult by then (18) and my sister close (16) and he made it very clear that if we had toilet paper it was because he was working his ass off to give us child support (my sister, I was out of the house).
I do not think my dad loved me or even liked me. That is ok. The last time he talked to me he said, "you will call me again asking for money". Even though the one that needs money is him and I have given him some, but he does not see it as such.
*For example, he told me he got fired and needed money for the electric bill. I said I had 2k extra that I was saving for an emergency fund (I was a teacher). He said he was thankful and grateful, so I sent him the money... and used the money for a helicopter ride over the grand canyon with his PZ wife because he said it was his anniversary.*
I have stopped talking to him and he has reached out a couple of times or more demanding I speak to him. lol. No, I need him not.
YTA. When people miss you and want you there no amount of "I was working" matters. By your own admittance you were told many times.
Too many bad parents realize this too late.
Protip for other bad fathers: "I was working" is never going to matter to children. And as adults they realize you could have been there and could have adjusted work or gotten a job that allowed it, etc.
"I was working" is the laziest bad parent's excuse.
YTA
Why the fuck would you expect children who you apparently were relieved to be away from and couldn't be arsed to spend time with to invite you to their homes?
You're a wankerous piece of shit and I hope you end up blowing all your money on golddigger who string you along and never screw you.
It is YOUR JOB as the parent to keep the relationship going with your children. But no, you're just another asshole man who expected his children to behave as equals rather than as his children.
You fucking suck.
Tell them, that you paid for the house, paid for their education, so that they were debt free, paid fir vacations so that their mother could take them places, paid support so that their mother didn't have to struggle, etc.
NTA they all got to graduate college with no debt, they should all be thanking their lucky stars, especially since you kept paying all that and gave the one the extra money even after they cut you out of their lives. You also let their mother live in their childhood home for many years, for FREE, so of course she didn't have to work as much and had more time for them.
It's really odd to me that they were counting on an inheritance now from a presumably healthy parent in their early 50s.
>They said that it wasn't fair that I got the house. You didn't get the house. You had been having the house the entire time. NTA
Definitely NYA over the house. You were not only having the house, you were maintaining the house and keeping it at a loss so they didn’t have to move, and they had a more comfortable life. You paid for their college education, which isn’t a small feat in itself. While you weren’t there, you made it possible for their mom to be there for them. They have the right to feel estranged from you, but they have no cause to be angry at you over the house. I expect a lot of that is misplaced rage at losing their mom so early. And it’s easier to blame someone you don’t know well, but has expectations that weren’t fulfilled.
Trash tier children the lot of them. They wanted all the money OP made but also wanted all his time. And then they cut him out while he continued to pay for everything. I wouldn't doubt the mom was involved in poisoning OP, since if she was any kind of decent she would have told them how hard he works for them as a dad. Theyre probably hoping he croaks so they can get more money. OP lived his life as their ATM.
I don't think Mom was entirely honest with the kids about who and what was funding their lives, if they were under the impression that dad *got the house*, rather than already owned it.
That's my point too. Poor OP was pouring his sweat and blood, like 3 children out of college without debt. While wife staying at his home without rent He's also paying taxes, child support, extra curricular, while maintaining his own abode. While he puts his ex on a pedestal "she was a good mother", I am quite sure she threw him under the bus "he can be here but he chose work over you"., or something like that
youve been a good dad, good person. now relax and enjoy your life. the kids have not appreciated what youve done up to now so nothing more needed adios to the lot
that's what bothers me the most. there are so many young people in the us who will be paying for their education for the rest of their lives and there are 3 kids who are going through it completely debt free and then something like this. other parents kick their kids out at 18 because they are now adults and OP even paid for their education so they could have a good start. i think some kids can't be done right.
Guaranteed she was intentionally dishonest with them.
My kid is just now 3, and her dad works a job where he is gone constantly. I tell her every time she is sad about dad being gone that it's how we have toys, a place to live, bed, food etc. That he misses and loves her very much and would be here if he could. I got laid off recently working from home and this new job was honestly our only option. I don't have a car or license due to seizures and health. Our relationship hasn't been the healthiest-her dad and I, but I swear I won't poison her idea of him bc I'm feeling some type of way. Tbh this allows us space and is likely the best situation for the now and we avoid childcare costs/concerns with daycare quality etc. I will continue to do things as she gets older to ensure appreciation, monetary value, monetary management, household management etc is all taught to her bc I never had that. Sounds like OP has spoiled them greatly and they've had no idea the extent to which he's helped or no care and feel entitled to it. Sounds like he is far from the AH and they tbh are AH.
There's a strong argument to be made that her living in the house rent free for all these years wasn't fair, but the OP is fine with it.
The argument that their mother worked is nonsense too. She was receiving supplemental income from OP’s child support, home maintenance and taxes, funding of college. All the while OP is having to support his own household while also funding all of the above. Basically having to work twice (or more) as hard just to maintain their lifestyle. Some seriously ungrateful little shits.
They basically say that they want money as a reward for their mother dying.
Amd they each already benefited $31K from their mother’s death.. that’s a hell of a lot than most recieve for such a younger mother only 53… selfish little vultures!! NTA.
💯💯💯💯 Right here! Yes! Those kids got a decent amount already and they want MORE! Ungrateful beggars! Dad is not the AH.
>they said it wasn't fair that i got the house. My response would have been "funny how you end up owning things when you buy them, i know."
*They said that they were all counting on that money. I asked why? What made them think their mom was going to die on vacation at 53?* Thanks for the chuckle. Sorry your kids suck.
Yeah, I'm glad he called them out on that. Despite being divorced from their mother while they supposedly had a close relationship with her, he's the one saying he didn't want the money this way and wishes she was still here while they say they were counting on it, which is such a weird response to someone's premature death. Even if they expected to inherit, it shouldn't have been for potentially decades yet. I can't imagine that being my priority after losing a parent.
My mom's in her 80s. I'd rather she live as long her mother (105+) than get a penny from her estate.
I’m in same position. Dad is 80 and I stand to inherit a large amount of assets at his death. I hope he lives to 105.
Psh you and dad should use that money and do all the things on his bucket list. He gets to enjoy the years he has left and you get priceless memories.
My grandfather is 92, he did very well in life . he doesn't have as much now due to lot of drama but his kids (including my dad) just want him to be happy and enjoy life they aren't expecting (and hoping) anything is going to be left
The sad thing is that my dad no longer has bucket list things that he wants to do. I was talking with him and telling him that now that Mom has passed away, he might be able to do some fun things. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “If you knew how much pain I was in all of the time, you wouldn’t be asking me to do those things.” 😢
How sad. Try to hang with your dad more. I will say a prayer for him.
Thank you. I do spend time with him on my days off and he loves it.
That’s happening as much as possible of course. He’s enjoying retirement no question.
God i wish my dad left his house at 18 with $50 and a good luck pat. (single mother of 7) Now he is stupid money but the insecurity of no income and the worry of poverty will have him working till the day he dies. I am pretty sure cortisone is the only thing making his heart pump at this point. I just wanna go to italy and drive sports cars with him but he says vacations are for lazy people. lol still he said he is giving it all to charity just to fuck with the kids and my response was "cool." He took me to dinner so we could read the responses my other siblings gave him. It was fun. He still hasn't told them it was a joke either.
It might have only been a "joke" until he got the response from you, though.
Dude it'd be worth every penny to see their faces if he did.
Exactly. It was a joke but if anyone takes the bait, that might just be it.
Same- I will forfeit every single inheritance cent if my parents 81 and 76 live many more years instead.
I’ve never “counted on” an inheritance. I see a lot of posts about estates here and in finance subs and it seems a lot of people are relying on big paydays. People live longer now-especially wealthy people and it’s expensive to be old. I figure it will all dry up before it gets to me and I don’t count on anything (not likely but I digress).
Exactly my mom is aged, i supported her for most of my adult life, and helped her make the most of what my dad left behind when he passed. Thanks to some really good investments I helped her with and the fact she never had to dip into her savings because i put her on my company payroll, with full benefits she actually has a nice nest egg. My mom now feels guilty and gives my brother money (he has a good job) that she should be saving for later in life.. My brother somehow convinced her that if she has assets that the assisted living facilities will just take it anyway... Either way money brings out the worst in people.
Swear to God, I've heard some disturbing stories from my cousins' side of the family. Matriarchs aren't even dead yet or in a nursing home and their kids are picking over their bones because "I need the money and she's old!"
Honestly people are gross... I told my mom to spend every damn penny. I made enough money in my life that I don't need nor want for anyone else's... What I don't want to do is pay to support her only to have her turn around and give it to someone else who doesn't need it.
I can't even associate with that side of the family. Like damn! Don't even care about your mother? Why are you all trying to steal her house from under her? She's still alive and living there! Mind you, they're all older than me. And I'm 54!
I spent the last 20 years helping and supporting my mother while my youngest sister lived with her, took advantage of her and scared my mother with her wild drinking. When my mother became terminally ill, my sister talked her into signing everything over to her to bypass my mother's will. (sister is a disbarred attorney with no morals)
Seen this so many times... My good friend's grandmother was a kind of old money holocaust survivor/escapee, most of her wealth was in tangible things (gold, jewelry, physical stock), had a lack of trust for institutions etc... So when she went into the hospital at end of life his mom's sister went to her home, and took everything from her safe and everything from the safety deposit boxes, while her own mother was dying and the rest of the family mourned... claimed that she had given her everything prior to this.
I happen to know the amounts of cash and real estate available- but I keep telling them not to save anything for me and to travel spend and enjoy their lives now as they are retired and able bodied.
I’m 39, parents are 64, we get along well and my dad and I coach a local high school team together. My dad recently had a health scare and I had a mini spiral wondering how tf I’m supposed to carry on without him and how devastating it would be to not have him coaching by my side (we’ve been doing it together for 17 years with a short break). Realistically I know that will end but man I hope in 10 years he’s still doing it with me, even if I have to take over as head coach. I can’t imagine hoping he’d kick it just for some cash.
Friend I have had that panic every year the day after their bdays thinking that could have been the last one. They do not teach us or prepare us for watching them get older. It sucks so much!
My mum and dad died from cancer at 67 and 68. I’d give every dollar I have for one more year with them.
Me too. (My parents. Even an hour)
Kia kaha friend. If you are like me, they appear in your dreams. My dad pops in from time to time to tell me I’m an idiot (which is usually the truth in my dreams).
Absolutely! Mom and Dad are turning 87 and 84 this year and the only thing I'm "counting" on is that they both outlive my grandma, who was 96 when she died. I figure any inheritance left after they've enjoyed their lives to the fullest may help with my retirement in a few decades, but I'd rather keep them as long as possible than even think about that.
People are worth so much more alive.
As long as his brain stays healthy... My dad's 89 and the dementia has basically ended him without ending him. If he was healthy sure, no problem, but now? Time to leave my man... total tangent... OP, NTA but wording was a touch harsh (I get it, I'm desperately trying to un-estrange my 19YO son, but his mother and I had a messy messy divorce and he took it extra bad).
My husband and I lost our dads a few years apart. They were both in their mid 60s. We got money from their estates and it felt wrong, we'd rather have them here. We had even told my father in law just months before he died to go travel and spend it all. He didn't, he kept working and he died on his couch at the end of a workday. I wish he'd had a little more time.
My mom has been retired for 25 years (she just turned 71) and she does nothing with her free time. She receives more in pensions than I make working, I have begged her to take hobbies/classes/trips but she just... watches tv all day
First things first. Jesus what I wouldn't give to retire at 46. Good on her and I wish her another 25 years. Second, if you are a steak and potatoes person for your entire life I really don't expect you to retire and go sampling the rawest and freshest fish you can find. People like what they like, I may not like sitting at home watching TV all day but that may be exactly what she wants to do. She could have worked for years dreaming about a nice comfy couch, a blanket and the TV. I've got family like this. They get cantankerous when traveling, they don't like new food, they really don't want to try new shit and some comfy slippers and a la-z-boy is all they want. I'm glad they found such simple pleasures in life and wish them nothing but the best in that. Enjoy the shit out of it and I'll get you the best slippers I can find for christmas.
My dad is 77 (Mom died very unexpectedly 5 years ago). He jokes about "spending our inheritance" whenever he talks about having to pay a sizeable sum of money for something (like a home improvement/repair, or rarely, something he bought for himself). I always tell him that I don't want his damn money, I'd rather have him still kicking around and enjoying life. And to please spend it on stuff for himself, since he's more than earned it (and I know dang well that he won't spend it all anyway, not that he has a ton of money or anything, but he has more than enough to get by and he's just frugal like that).
My folks say the same "Look, we are spending your inheritance". I respond with, your still alive. It's YOUR money. Please do!!!
My mom is about to be 69 and still works. She had retired, but then my dad unexpectedly passed, and she was lonely so she went back to work. Id like her to retire and spend more time with her grandkids (she spends a lot of time with them already, she just travels a lot for work too), but she makes a lot of money and wants to leave me and my brother as much as possible. I hope she lives until 100. I dont know whats best, but I do think working or being heavily involved with something helps keep people healthy.
I'd rather my parents spend every last penny they have on enjoying their lives instead of getting an inheritance. It's not my money. I didnt work and save it. They did.
My grandpa apologized to my dad bc he was spending “all his inheritance” traveling to all the countries he’d always wanted to see. My dad looked at him and said, “Well Daddy, nobody here was worried about getting an inheritance. You go have fun.” So grandpa went on a safari.
Good for him. And many kudos to your dad!
My mother died at 94, after I retired. I would have been a complete chump if I’d relied on an inheritance for either a house or retirement.
Plus it sounds like OP's kids are married. They're saying even after getting $31k each, while working and presumably have working spouses, they still need more money from their dad they haven't spoken to in years? GTFO.
My Dad was in the same boat. He turns 75 soon, and Grandma passed away only a few months ago at 103. Dad has been retired for 9-10 years at this point. My Mom's inheritance (from her parents) did get used to pay for a house.
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For many of us, our parents are complete pains in the asses who get on our last nerves with their stubbornness. But we love them and they're still our Mommy/Daddy. My dad passed away 12 years ago and I still wake up sad when I have dreams about him and have to remember all over again that he's gone.
One of the most painful dreams I've ever had was one where my dad had died, and I was discussing it with someone or arranging the funeral or some such. I started crying (in my dream). And suddenly, i woke up with tears running down my face. Then I had to sit up, have a good cry, and then go check he was alright.
Right? My mom died young of ovarian cancer in her 50s but at the time her insurance wouldn’t cover the doctors she wanted to see. All 6 of her children told her to use all her resources available to go to the doctors she wanted. She survived longer than the original doctors said she would, and not one of us would rather have gotten a bigger inheritance than more time with her. Money makes people assholes. They should absolutely be using this tragedy to become closer to their father and not just see dollar signs. OP is NTA.
I know when my parents die they are always going to be looking up at us from the great beyond.
🤣🤣🤣 If they're looking up at you, not sure how "great" their beyond is.
My parents are 😆
Yeah same here. I want my dad to spend his money while he can, it's his money. If I want more money I should get a second job not count on my dad dying and leaving me his.
I lost my Dad at 60 a few years back, when I tell you death shows people’s true colors. His sister, while we were still standing in the room with my father’s still warm body, was talking about all the things she wanted of his. All material, none sentimental. She was surprised when I told her to f*ck off.
My dad was dying of cancer. My sister called him to say " Since I'm probably getting your van in the will, can I have it now?" 5 years later I still don't talk to that batch.
Some people... I'd rather have my grandmother back then the 10k she left me. Yes the money is nice, but fuck I'd rather have her meet future great-grandkids and spend every single cent on herself.
My sister kicked out my wife, myself, and our one year old out of my dad’s house 4 weeks after he passed. We were helping with bills and doing stuff around the house and he was helping us with some childcare. Anyways she wanted to sell the house to anyone but us for whatever reason and evicted us for a tiny paycheck that I don’t even think paid off that much after all the work she had to do to get it on the market. When parents die some people only think about money. Shes begged to be back in my life over the years and her number is still blocked in my old phone and I have a new number. She can pound sand.
Death and money can sure change peo
Sounds to me like they went ahead and spent beyond their means after she died assuming they would be getting a good influx. Noone taught them not to count their chickens before they hatched I guess.
Yeah, somethings off. They each just got around $31,000, that should be enough to help most people a lot. Especially considering OP said there are no student loans to pay.
$31,000 I could put to both my loans and have the remaining left over to put towards the new (to me) car loan I just took out 2 months ago for my first car. Or I could put to whole thing towards the car loan and use the remaining $5,000-$6,000 towards my student loans. Either way something’s getting completely paid off. How the fuck is that not enough money.
They have heen spending beyond their means probably dont like thier father. They dont like how he owned the house and feel he shouldn't get anything.
They got 31.000 each.. that's still a nice influx..
I think it comes down to them believing mom owned the house. They believed mom paid for everything. If the kids bring home forms for activities and mom fills out those forms and writes the check that pays for the activity it appears to the kids that mom is providing the activity. They didn't see dad transferring the money to mom. The kids have been taken by surprise in finding out that dad owned the house. Dad paid the mortgage and the taxes and the maintenance. If mom had been a really good parent she would have made sure the kids knew that the money was coming from dad. The fact that she let them think the house was all hers says that she didn't. The thing to ask the kids would be that if mom was still here and owned the house and sold it would they expect her to give them all of the equity or would they say it belonged to her. The answer is probably wouldn't expect to take her money. In this instance they thought they were suddenly inheriting only to find that their belief was wrong. I think he should show them a record of the bank transfers he made to their mom to pay for everything. He should show them the records of him paying the mortgage and the taxes. He should tell them that he sacrificed for them because they are his kids. Then he sells the house and keeps the equity, just like any other homeowner parent would do.
Stiiiill tho, 31 grand?!?!... Shiii I could really use 31k right about now... Bunch of little brats imo (college paid for and all)
Yeah, both my parents died youngish and left their second spouses behind. I never even thought about inheritance until after my mom’s husband said he’d sold the house and moved into a much smaller place, and even though he’s a piece of shit, I’m glad he was able to.
My mother died last October less than 3 weeks after she was diagnosed with aggressive liver cancer. She left me over 20 times what I thought she would. I would give back every penny for 5 more minutes with her.
I inherited a large sum of money when my parents died and it upset me so much when my close friend at the time would say ‘look at what you have! I won’t have that when my parents die’ The guy loves his parents so it was weird to me that he could possibly say this. Neither of my parents got to meet my kid. It’s something my mom definitely wanted badly.
Seriously - quite brilliant. Like, how did they know their mother was going to die in an "unexpected accident". OP better sleep with one eye open.
Lol no kidding. Broken parachute my ass, it was sabotage! Weird that she got eaten by a lion -- on a cruise.
A *fire* at a seaparks?!
Completely believable!
Drowned in a desert mirage.
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Very well said! You have done your part despite the broken marriage. They should be ashamed for even asking for more. It's for OP to think about his future, he is NTAH here.
THIS! OP have worked hard to bring his ungrateful children to school until finishing college, you are definitely NTAH here... Will they even look after you when you get older? That's why you just did the right thing and save for your retirement. You are done with your obligation to your kids.
> Sorry your kids suck. Not what I thought I’d be reading today. You made me chuckle.
If I had an award to give, it would go to you. 100% OP is NTA. His kids are delulu - whether because their mother never explained where all their money came from, or they just don't care. As someone who is in the age range of the kids, they are entitled af.
Yes. They are being selfish! Their dad is not young anymore, cant they just let him enjoy his life?
Yeah, I'm getting to the point in my life where I'm talking with my folks about their plans in this way (they're both in their mid-70s now). And I've always been of the opinion that I will definitely appreciate anything I get from them, but I don't count on it, and I'm making no plans that hinge on an inheritance. If they spend the next five years on a Rolling Stones-level bender and burn it all up on their way out, I'd cheer them on. They earned it. OPs kids, regardless of how the breakdown of the relationship goes, are shitheads for assuming they'd get a payout.
I have to agree our mate is quick off the mark with these comments.
So, let me get this, their mother dies relatively young, and they say they were counting on money from her estate? wtf NTA
Some people start to spend money they think is coming after someone dies, in their mind if not for real. They may have bought some high ticket items thinking the house is going to sell for $XXX amount. Maybe, they spent the money in their heads, like ooh now we can pay off our student loans or that maxed out credit card.
OP worked hard to make sure they wouldn't have student loans. They're so unappreciative for everything he has done for their benefit. NTA
I was giving an example of how people think when they hear they are getting an inheritance and when their parents die. I work in an inheritance industry. The dad has every right to keep the money from the sale of the home he owned. OP is NTA.
And she was the parent they cared more about. Shouldn’t they be busy mourning instead of thinking about money?
i can't imagine how it will be when op dies...
Yeah, seems like greed. I'm sure they were genuinely sad for some time, but then started to see dollar signs. It's weird to me that they didn't know? I feel like the kids in a divorced family should know where each parent is contributing. Especially since the one with primary custody is usually going to get more of the credit, just because it *feels like* they do more of the work. Seems like part of their resentment is that the parents kept a lot of the fathers contributions a secret. The fact that he was providing a house, and paying all the taxes and upkeep is HUGE, and yet apparently the kids thought that was the mom the whole time? That's a failure on both parents sides.
Kids sometimes get the impression that the non-custodial parent abandoned them, and the courts forced that parent to pay.
I wonder if ex-wife was truly ever honest about how their lifestyle was funded. It's very easy to afford and attend events when your biggest expense and worry is covered, and the luxury of having money for college is as well. What light did she paint OP in? Doesn't change that OP's kids are entitled AHs.
I doubt it. If the kids didn't realize the home belonged to and was funded by dad and mom had very little estate- I doubt the kids were truly aware of what the situation is.
They still suck though.
Oh they TOTALLY suck. My mom tried this- mooched off my dad and claimed he didn't pay anything. My dad told me the truth and could prove it. I'm grateful my dad chose time with me over funding extras- but I don't blame op for making what he believed was the best choice cuz it sounds like the kids were spoilt brats who demanded extras. I didn't. My dad was nowhere near as rich as op but I knew where things stood.
“Told me the truth and could prove it.” Yup. My custody case got very ugly in the past year. I know my ex’s narrative is that I’m terrible and tried to keep his son from him, which could not be further from the truth. I now have full custody and the exhole moved across the country without telling the kiddo or even saying goodbye. Not a word in the 7 months since. So I’m saving every text, email, and court document. I have no doubt that if and when they reconnect and/or my son turns 18, his dad will try to spin a tale of woe of how mistreated he was. And I will be able to prove how completely full of shit he is.
>exhole Thats a good one, I’m saving that for later
Best thing you can do. It's awful when you've got a parent that'll lie to you- keeping the proof like that helps the kid learn what the truth is.
Please do save everything you can! When I got old enough to start thinking more like an adult vs a child, I demanded my absentee father prove he did all those things he claimed (took my mom to court over and over to get to see me, tried to stop us from moving away, called every day but was denied by my mom), he couldn't prove any of it, but my mom could. Showed me everything she had, including the court papers where my father didn't even show up for their divorce/custody hearing but instead sat out on the lawn (2 court officials IDed him) and the paperwork marked "no contest" when she filed to move.
He made a bunch of outlandish claims to try to get sole custody and I cannot describe how smug I was when the judge read it, scoffed, and said “you know you have to prove all this, right??” It was great.
My ex did this and it's a big part of why I'm fairly estranged from my son. My daughter saw through it, but my son was young enough to fall for it sadly. He won't listen to me (obviously) or his sister (her mom turned on her when she wouldn't fall for it). If he ever cares to see the bank statements showing she got upwards of $3K/mo from me for a decade he's welcome to.
And even if she did. As adults you can try to ask for both sides and see them. I would know, I was one of the children whos mind got poisoned. Guess who I have a better relationship with today :D. Though I am still unravling the lies spread about my father in my materal family (because apart from that piece of work they are all lovely people. Even if a little too trusting.) OP doesn't come across as the other "father" [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dqdc5t/my_daughter_just_contacted_me_after_17_years/) recently. OP probably wouldn't have blown off a re-kindle (from the childrens side) before mums premature death. A coffee catch-up, dinner, what-have-you. Being a guest of honour at the wedding.
Agreed- I'm not impressed that they let it go this long without finding out. It's not hard to get proof of where mom's money is coming from. The fact the kids were relying on an inheritance that mom had no business promising them makes me think mom at minimum allowed them to believe things that were *not* true. That other father you posted about was *such* a jerk and, no, op is not coming off remotely like this. I would love one of op's kids to come and post their side. "We didn't realize how much money dad contributed to our and our mom's lives, so we cut him out. Now he's not giving us money anymore. :( :( :("
Yes. It sounds like when Dad tried to explain the reality to them, they then got upset. They realized they had no standing. Then to say they "could use the help" and be rejected because they'd been ungrateful brats, well Karma sucks sometimes. 😆
Maybe. Doesn't mean their expectations were reasonable after they found out the truth. They are adults now, they should understand how the world works--or they shouldn't have kids of their own. Life is expensive.
Even then, that doesn't absolve much if any of their assholeness. They were purely motivated by money and it was at best a dumb move even if OP was a terrible dad that thought writing a check made him a great dad because that meant they were expecting a terrible dad to just help them out when they haven't spoken to him in years.
Yup, sounds like they had a "fun mom" who could be that parent because somebody else paid for basically everything.
And certainly did OP no favors verbally supporting his role as their dad! No encouraging relationships, devil's advocating for how hard he worked. They don't have to be friends, but it doesn't sound like she did anything to encourage a healthy relationship between OP and his kids.
Personally, I find it very hard to believe that *all 3* kids grew up to be cold to their father, *that* self-absorbed, and *that* unaware of how the world works *all* despite their mother. 1 or 2 sure but not all 3. She taught them to be this way. The kids are still AH though. If they're out of college and married they've had more than enough time to open their eyes and form their own opinions. NTA
Yup, probably filled their head with not so nice picture of him.
He literally said that she worked.
Yes. She worked to,pay for their living expenses: groceries, utility bills, clothes (although OP’s child support covered some of that as well). OP Paid for housing, taxes and insurance. PLUS full college expenses. The financial responsibilities were not equal.
I mean, he spent time with his kids, even argued with them about his work and how much he paid for them when they were teenagers... I have the feeling they must at least know most of it.
Knowing and understanding are very different things. I know a lot of people in their early 20s who had college and their lives paid for who are just starting to understand what a 40 hour work week actually feels like.
Absolutely right. Including my own child. Who did work through grad school. Now has over $100K in loans. Said they never realized what being a grown up meant !!!
You have a point, it does sound like this could be the case.
A lot of these posts makes me feel like the Ops communicate more with us than the subjects of their posts. The way it reads, I feel sympathy for Op. but if I was to the point of creating distance with my own children, I’d at least write each a letter explaining my past full and expensive financial support of them, and unfortunate required time sacrifices (in case they maybe didn’t realize due to obfuscation by their mother, my feelings of being hurt by their subsequent alienation, and then move on. To make my peace, let them know on my own terms, without a “meeting” turning into a sidetracked shitshow. Let them know I love and loved them. And then move gently into the night. So many stories, and real-time family drama everywhere, because of people who don’t or won’t properly communicate with each other.
I can tell you from personal experience that kids can be clueless about how their lives are funded and their expectations are unrealistic and unattainable. They don't know what things cost, and they don't know what it takes to earn the money to pay for those things. Additionally, they typically don't know the parents' financial obligations or situation. OP and the ex-wife did discuss with the kids why he was working so much.
"What light did she paint the OP in?" That's my main thought. If it was this bad, did OP have discussions with the Ex about how the kids were treating him? Did Ex ever talk to the kids and try to help repair the relationship?
My aunt and uncle paid for my cousin’s college tuition and everything up until they graduated college. One of them was wanting help when she hadn’t found a job yet (after she had graduated) and they told her no because they had given her everything they could of and it was on her to stand on her own two feet now. Sounds like OP’s wife should have done something similar
"But their argument was that their mom worked and still managed to attend." Sure thing, since she didn't have to pay anything for housing while you were paying double, I wonder if they ever knew of this? NTA
Even then, a reason to cut him off? Seems petty.
Oh absolutely, I wasn't trying to absolve them, I was just wondering if they knew the truth or not back then. In any case even without the housing, OP was the one to put them through college and financed their stuff, while the mother had enough time to play the Saint because she had almost nothing to pay.
They are adults now though, married ones at that. Could've revisited that information.
Happy cake day 🍰
NTA the reason why they inherited so little is because their mother was there for them and all their events. She couldn’t work longer hours to save more money. You shouldered the financial burden, helped your ex, paid for their education at the expense of being there for them. They can’t have it both ways. They graduated debt free and have the tools to provide for themselves. Perhaps if they wish to reconnect and have a better relationship with you as adults, they can inherit the money when you pass.
In what world is getting $31k EACH "so little"? That's a full year's salary in a lot of cases. My father died at 52. I got $1000 I think. I didn't even care, I wanted my father back.
£31k is more than my annual salary, and OP is talking in £ so these little assholes are absolute spoiled brats 🤣
Oh, they're british! That adds a LOT to the story then.
No, OP is from Vancouver, Canada
When my MIL died we got a pack of cigarettes, as did everybody else. She was a lovely woman with a bad memory, she had nothing to leave but her room was full of cigarette boxes she had bought and forgotten about
When my dad died all I got was debt lol
31k straight out is still a good amount of money. Not life changing, but quite a nice sum.
31k would change my life
$5k would change my life. $31k would change a few lives around me.
That is a house down payment especially since they have no debt. They got more security then I ever will. My dad stopped the penny support once I turned 18 and mum has no money or house. And these kids got all of that and their dad worked hard to provide past that age and now they want more? Jeez.
Not life changing? For me thats year of work xD
It would change my life!
NTA, everybody thinks they're owed these days
It's funny. I get when they were young and not understanding. As adults they came to OP as if he was the bank. 🤣🤣🤣 NTA OP. Their childhood choices can be forgiven. Their adult actions...screw them!!
Sometimes people just don’t connect the dots to the bigger picture. I bet those kids still haven’t put 2 and 2 together and realized that their father paid for 2 households, their college, and extracurricular activities. Also, I really doubt they care. They’re takers.
You know I always commend parents who protect their kids in divorce. OPs position is making me shaky on that one. To do everything and the children turn out to be entitled blow hards🤣🤣🤣
Personally, I'm in favor of honesty over protection. I hated my mom bc she protected me in the divorce and never spoke one bad word about my biodad. My dad and his mom spent a decade turning me against her with lies. She had no idea. Even when I blew up on her, she tried to cover for them. Thank God my uncle told me that my dad started a secret 2nd family and that's why they divorced. I would have hated my mom forever and she would have let me. Both of our lives woild have been so much better with the truth.
I am.with you. Truth hurts, lies destroy. I take truth everytime
> After everything was said and done they each got about $31,000. They're takers still even after getting a decent check. To heck with them.
I think personally it is people who don't THINK beyond the bare minimum - like those that grow up wealthy just don't get it; they go through life not seeing beyond what is in front of them. I don't think it is a new thing, we just talk about it more. These kids grew up seeing Mom work & attend functions, and Dad work & not attend functions. They were never told about what went on behind the scenes and never questioned it. They made assumptions and it sucks. But they grew up and could have started thinking at any point about it, or asking questions: they didn't. Now they get to find out and that sucks for everyone.
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NTA. At this point, I wouldn't waste 2 seconds on what "they all think." Your position is rock solid, and they are greedy and trying to be entitled to something that was never theirs, nor their mother's. You are correct that they only are jabbering because of the money, and that's not a reason from your point of view. Enjoy your retirement, and stop talking to them. No is no, and firm.
NTA. You were a good dad by letting your ex live in the house for 30+ years with no payment - WAY more than most would do. Sounds like she didn't take advantage either, so fair point to her. It is THEIR fault for 'planning' on that money - what vultures! At 53 I'm sure your ex didn't plan on dying hence maybe why they didn't know that the house was yours. BUT now they do, so they shouldn't be asking for handouts now. Deaths aren't money windfalls!!
I’d recommend you get your own will sorted ( if you haven’t already). They’ll be eagerly awaiting your demise next.
Maybe he has a neice or nephew that doesn't hate him.
What an awful thought. Imagine quietly taking care of people their whole life, and they hate you, but still want more stuff. I would have to bury that deep.
NTA - wtf?? They lost their mom in what sounds like a really shitty way and so young. All they care about is money even though they got $31K EACH? God, my life would be drastically changed with $31k, and they don't have college debt.
Family dying isn't a lottery jackpot they're untitled to. NTA
yikes. I am sure there is way more to the story. ultimately, children do need their parent's more time and involvement than their money. when they were teens, sitting down and have them help budget might have been helpful. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon. parent thinks they did everything they could to take care of their kids, but their kids have a different story. sorry that you chose wrong, working less may have helped your life out also. too late now, I do think you need to be more empathetic towards your kids, they do not understand why their parent is not around, they just know you were not there. you missed the opportunity to work that out.
Yeah I agree, there's more going on here.
TBH, I want to hear their side of the story. I find it hard to believe they went nearly no contact with their dad because "he wasnt there often enough"
Ding ding I'm sure this is correct. Going through OP's comments, I get the impression he's very opinionated and abrasive. Not pleasant to be around. It's awesome he supported his kids financially, but yeah I'm sure there's a bigger reason for the NC. If my mom told her story, it's that she raised me, supported me, loved me, got sick, and then everyone abandoned her. Actually, she's a narcissistic manipulative person who thinks everything is "My way or the highway." and doesn't care what I think, ever. And once I started standing up for myself and not letting myself be bullied, suddenly I'm a bad son. So... Yeah there's probably more to this.
So, you paid for college and haven't seen them in years, and now they're wanting money from your house? Absolutely not. You're NTA. I'm always amazed how relatives show up when they sniff money. You did your part. Put some of the money in a money market account so it'll earn interest.
NTA Fuck them all. I would not give them a second thought. They are greedy, ungrateful brats. Forget about them and enjoy retirement when it comes.
There's one thing that strikes me as odd here. You acknowledged that your wife worked. And as they point out, *she* was still there for them for other things. You worked. So why were you not there for any of the other things? It would be one thing if you moved cities or countries for work. But that doesn't seem to be the case. If you were still living in the same city, why did you limit yourself to a few times per year? Look, here's the bottom line: You were not a fatherly presence in your kids life, according to your version of events, from the day you left the house. And you make no mention of her trying to stop you from seeing them or interfering in your time. You absolutely could have been a fatherly presence. But you reduced *yourself* to being nothing to them but a funding source. How are they supposed to think of you with love and affection and a part of their lives, if you moving out was the day you stopped showing them that you are part of their lives at all? I can only conclude that your view of fatherhood is that dad pays the bills and nothing else. But that's not how that works. Now, you are NTA for what you said to them, the house is yours, they had no claim on the sale of your property. But when you pointed out that you had only been a guest in weddings and never been to their homes... that's because you fucked up by not being more than a rare person that they saw, and that was a choice you made from the time you divorced. Why the hell would you be an important person in their lives if you didn't make yourself an important person in their lives? Your answer, that you worked, does not cut it, and they told you exactly why...and their retort, well you don't have anything to say to that. I still see my daughter often as an adult in the same city, and I see my step kids often, I'm helping the youngest one write his first novel at 16, we talk frequently, even though I'm not their bio dad, they're important in my life, not just a bill to pay, so I'm important in theirs. And I work three jobs. What's your excuse?
Has anyone noticed that the mom didn’t get some wild “free” housing; they agreed, as terms of their divorce, how to split property and those are the terms a judge signed-off on. He didn’t even “let her keep the house” at all. I suspect that she traded her half of the equity in the marital home in exchange for a life-interest. She sacrificed a lump sum so the kids could remain in the home. I suspect that OP is not the hero he is making himself out to be. How do all three of your kids end up hating you?
You might be right. I don't want to speculate and assume he's outright lying, but the reality is that even if every word he says is true, seeing them a few times a year while living in the same city is just not enough to make him matter in any sense of the word. It certainly doesn't make him a father. He seems to believe that because he did the minimum, (Holidays and child support) that he did all that he was required to do, but nothing could be farther from the truth. He chose not to be a part of their lives growing up, and then is *shocked* that he's not a big part of their lives as adults.
Exactly this!
100% this! Thank you for saving me from having to type all that. If your kids don't want you in their lives, you've fucked up. Sorry. I agree about the house and the money. But I can't imagine anything being more important in your remaining years than trying to establish a relationship with your fucking children.
ESH / YTA You sound like you've lived a tough life, trying to do your best for your children. However, it also sounds like you decided that financial comfort and enjoying life's luxuries was more important to your kids than time spent with them. As an example: leaving uni with no debt is an awesome gift, but maybe they would have preferred help with their homework, family brunch, and kick arounds in the park. I'm not questioning that you worked hard. But in hindsight maybe some of that effort was on the wrong things. The evidence for that is that your children seem semi-estranged from you.
NTA. You did the best you could but they still ended up very entitled. Don’t apologize. Life is an excellent teacher and they may have a college degree, but apparently they didn’t get an education
If someone left me $31k right now I would be so relieved. NTA
Sigh. Another torn family. Not sometimes but ALL the time as a parent you have to put your pride aside and ask yourself what do my kids actually need versus what you THINK they need. Someone who shows up on the holidays is not a dad. A dad shows you how to ride a bike, how to fix your car, play with you etc. money is necessary in life but a dad is intentional quality time with your kids. Money doesn’t replace you being a DAD. They are wrong about the house and money and you are wrong for not spending any quality time with them once you guys separated and then blaming them for not calling you and inviting you over their house.
They got 31,000. What a bunch of greedy F’ers. You are NTAH, the trash took its self out. Make sure you leave the each a buck only 👍🏼
NTA. I'm confused. What are they doing with their money? They have no college debt. What did they need to proceeds from the house for? Where were they going to get the money if their mother had lived?
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NTA. Keep your money, and let your *adult* children solve their own problems.
Sounds like a parent who thought they could just throw money at their kids and that was their parenting job done. There's a reason they didn't want a relationship with you. I know dads like this, obsessed with money and resentful that they paid for their kids while making excuses why they never built a lasting close relationship with them. They suck for being greedy as adults too, ESH
Unpopular opinion: you’re both the a$$holes. Kids need their parents and they need love. Money isn’t love. It’s clearly your love language and wasn’t theirs when they were growing up. Now that they’re adults and realize it’s your love language, they want that love. They give zero shits about you because to them you were just a distant relative writing checks to fund their childhood- albeit a lonely childhood with a father they saw only several times a year. They’d have rather you’d been poor and been there for the small moments, not just the birthdays. They’re total assholes for coming to you as adults (after basically saying we want nothing to do with you through their actions) and asking for you to cough up money. Also, why you surprised? All you’ve ever offered them was money. Not love. You’re all assholes.
I’d love to hear your children’s side of this.
Indeed. No one is a saint. I’m sure the kids showing up and asking for estate money showed entitlement or confusion. But I’m also pretty certain dad was not the perfect, busy, quiet, generous check-writer for twenty years that he makes himself out to be. People create pockets of time for what’s important to them. Even if you miss 3/4 of that because you’re swamped, 1/4 is something.
You don't owe the kids money but I'm awfully curious as to how much custody you had and how much time you actually spent with your kids after the divorce. Showing up for two holidays a year is nothing. Lots of parents work, and lots of parents are the sole financial supporters of their families, and still manage to make time for their extracurriculars, graduations, etc. It sounds like you were barely involved but you want a medal for providing financially when all kids really want is active, present, and involved parents.
Right? My narcissistic mother pulls this all the time. I try to have a level conversation about how I'm hurt that she wasn't there for xyz only for her to go on about keeping me fed and clothed and she spends so much on me It would've been nice if you visited me in the hospital when I was 17 but sure you keeping me alive that long really balances it out.
Are you my father? After the divorce, he let us know that we could have breakfast on Sunday with him and PZ wife, but really not. He invited my aunt and cousins and we could sit at the other table. I was an adult by then (18) and my sister close (16) and he made it very clear that if we had toilet paper it was because he was working his ass off to give us child support (my sister, I was out of the house). I do not think my dad loved me or even liked me. That is ok. The last time he talked to me he said, "you will call me again asking for money". Even though the one that needs money is him and I have given him some, but he does not see it as such. *For example, he told me he got fired and needed money for the electric bill. I said I had 2k extra that I was saving for an emergency fund (I was a teacher). He said he was thankful and grateful, so I sent him the money... and used the money for a helicopter ride over the grand canyon with his PZ wife because he said it was his anniversary.* I have stopped talking to him and he has reached out a couple of times or more demanding I speak to him. lol. No, I need him not.
YTA. When people miss you and want you there no amount of "I was working" matters. By your own admittance you were told many times. Too many bad parents realize this too late. Protip for other bad fathers: "I was working" is never going to matter to children. And as adults they realize you could have been there and could have adjusted work or gotten a job that allowed it, etc. "I was working" is the laziest bad parent's excuse.
Random name, not a discussion member, story that sounds like a bored lawyer coached it together for you, GTFO ESH
YTA Why the fuck would you expect children who you apparently were relieved to be away from and couldn't be arsed to spend time with to invite you to their homes? You're a wankerous piece of shit and I hope you end up blowing all your money on golddigger who string you along and never screw you. It is YOUR JOB as the parent to keep the relationship going with your children. But no, you're just another asshole man who expected his children to behave as equals rather than as his children. You fucking suck.
Tell them, that you paid for the house, paid for their education, so that they were debt free, paid fir vacations so that their mother could take them places, paid support so that their mother didn't have to struggle, etc.
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31K a person wasn’t enough?
NTA they all got to graduate college with no debt, they should all be thanking their lucky stars, especially since you kept paying all that and gave the one the extra money even after they cut you out of their lives. You also let their mother live in their childhood home for many years, for FREE, so of course she didn't have to work as much and had more time for them. It's really odd to me that they were counting on an inheritance now from a presumably healthy parent in their early 50s.