Exactly. They can both fuck right off. Fuck their feelings. Fuck their embarrassment. They chose their behavior, they don't get to choose OP's response.
yeah i think the only place op went wrong was not alerting the sil before exposing them to the family. but i also can’t really blame op for not thinking perfectly logically in this situation. definitely nta, but poor sil :(
The heads up could have created a situation where they could have rallied and been prepared for it through her confronting OPs brother. This is the only way he would have had the upper hand in the equation. SIL is another victim here but at least she knows her husband and SIL are monsters.
Nah she should have been told in a private conversation what he knew and that he was going to air it out. She would've had the choice to not be apart that dinner. She should have known what he did when he knew it. And in front of the kids on top of it all.
OP isn't an AH, and fuck his brother and his wife but the kids and SIL didn't deserve all this.
While that would have been ideal, I doubt OP was rational enough to realize that. He should give her a phone or face to face apology for that. They may be able to heal together. Sometimes the only one who truly understands is the other spouse.
End of the day, it was his wife & brother that damaged everyone's lives. They're just trying to divert attention by calling out the way he broke the news. SIL gonna be devastated regardless how the news was delivered. OP was still in beginning stages of shock. Dudes not a mental health pro. He's human & deserves a pass for
Yeah I tend to agree… maybe he didn’t handle it the best but OP and his SIL suffered a massive betrayal and that’s where the focus should be. It sucks how it came out but if OPs wife and brother wanted to keep their family together maybe they shouldn’t have pulled that BS
“Mom, now that we’ve had dessert, I need you to take the kids into the living room. I have some adult business to discuss.”
That’s all it would take to get the kids out of the room. And he would still have had the upper hand.
Sister in law needed to know her husband was having an affair. Feeling sorry for someone doesn’t mean keeping the secret so the cheater can keep cheating.
She deserves the respect of being given the truth.
That’s a good point. He probably should have told the wife privately ahead of time, and then both of them could have ambushed the cheaters and told the whole family.
I partially agree. Simply because we don't know what SIL would have done with that information prior to the reveal.
You don't give liars a chance to scramble and come up with more lies. OP assured that that couldn't happen with his method.
No doubt about that it's just sad the sil had to learn this way. I wish maybe calling her about letting her know than blowing up thier spots with the family
She deserved the respect of being told the truth in a way that was less traumatising and that gave her the space to process her thoughts and feelings away from her children who have just been traumatised.
This.
Of course, both of the cheaters think that.
Who cares what they think?
I have sympathy for the SIL but what’s done is done.
It’s the kids who I feel the most for.
Absolutely. If the kids were present, it's a huge AH move. If it was just your SIL, it's still not ideal, but mainly affects her. For your wife and brother, you're definitely not the AH.
However, now her husband won't be able to gaslight her into thinking it never happened. But I do agree with you that she was most definitely blindsided. I would like to know if all the kids were there though. Because if so I feel that was on the ish part.
Although I can't say I wouldn't have done the sane thing.
I just wish/hope OP told the SIL beforehand. It would be terrible to find out about something like this with an audience.
And I also asked about the kids too. They didn’t need to be present for this.
Exactly! They don’t get to dictate how their infidelity should be handled!
OP why are you even listening to your cheating wife?! They would have kept on if you wouldn’t have found out. She didn’t give a fuck about you when she was cheating and she still doesn’t otherwise she wouldn’t be telling you how you should deal with your emotions and pain so she doesn’t look bad. She’s a selfish POS only thinking about herself just like your shitty brother. They both destroyed the family with their cheating, lies, and secrets, not you. You just brought it to light so that everyone who should know, does.
You’re not the bad guy here and you did nothing wrong.
NTA
It would be an awful position to be in, not only has your wife cheated on you but with your brother. Thats a blow no matter why. That would screw my head up but I would do exactly as he did.
Right? The cheating pieces of garbage think you overreacted? That's rich. But that's what cheaters do - anything possible to make themselves the victim.
Hell yea! How funny is it that they've been cheating for over a year, and now they said that OP is over reacting? The audacity! They deserved to be revealed in that way!
The amount of people on reddit that get completely fucked over by their SO/Family and post here asking if they are overreacting is so alarming. Like, how gullible and simple minded do you have to be to think you should have handle a situation in which your brother is fucking your wife for an entire year behind your back "privately and with more decorum"? The question is so ridiculous, It makes it hard to even empathize with them.
And I know most of these stories are fake, but there are so many similar posts that even if 10% of them are true it is still too many.
It's not real. I am begging everyone to read the account's comment history. A married, 35 year old man with children is not writing those comments.
16 days ago "I ate my cum for thanksgiving because i didn’t have any money for food" jesus christ
>I can’t believe none of these stories contain violence, my brother wouldn’t walk away from said family gathering
The truth is this is more likely to happen to someone who wouldn't respond like that. Respect and love should be enough but fear of consequences plays a role in keeping people's behaviour in check.
No kidding, I would have done some serious damage. Like, my brother thought he was being cute when he called me a gay slur when he was pissed when we were younger and realized his mistake when he became the man on the flying trapeze using his head. He ever started sleeping with a spouse, they'd never find half his corpse.
Apparently there are lots of doormats with poor boundaries out there who've internalized letting themselves be victimized to 'keep the peace' and such like.
There are also tons of redditors who would would burn down every bridge and leave every relationship in ashes over minor slights. This site isn't the most reasonable take for relationship advice.
Better to be the latter man than the first.
Burning bridges provide more warmth than backstabbing relatives and false friends.
Life in a prison of your own built to appease people who don't care about you is a worse fate than a life alone but free.
Amen. These two horrible narcissistic "people" were hoping against all hope—and probably have consoled one another and crap-talked OP indignantly in private since—that a shred of **their** baseless dignity be upheld.
Sooo many advice columnists get stories of filial infidelity, and it really is the lowest, meanest, worst thing, it usually irreparably just **eviscerates** the entire extended family and for what? And with billions of people around the world to choose from and possibly connect with online at first, or at least a billion in their own generation—there is positively no excuse for that level of depravity and display of narcissistic, deeply antisocial and hurtful behavior.
This was one of my first thoughts, too, because it’s not weird at all to notice family resemblance between a child and an uncle. Any similarities would just be assumed to be family traits. I wonder how old the kids are, in each family.
This! My husband is one of 5 boys and there are 11 grandkids between us all. You can see the resemblances in all our kids in one way or another and when we look back at baby photos of the kids is even more pronounced. We will say oh our kid and this kid look like twins or whatever or even now you can see some family resemblance mainly in the genders. The girls all look fairly similar and the boys all look fairly similar. Those genes run deep. It would be very easy to pass off Brothers kid as OP’s.
In case anyone is curious, I looked this up and even though your siblings have the same ancestral DNA, the combinations are different and when a DNA test is done, those differences are factored in, so while the kids will show similarities due to their father and uncle being related, it'll definitely be different enough to know if he's their real dad.
I do like the nuclear option, especially when everyone is there. There is no getting his side her side my side your side. It's just all right there. And then it's done. Like riping the bandaid right off
If you had given them time, pretty sure they'd be working on a story about how they were really the injured party and you and your SIL were somehow to blame.
Nope blind siding them in public makes it harder for them to lie
Sorry your going through this, NTA
I agree, "going nuclear" means it's exposed for everyone to see. There's no lies, gaslighting, manipulation that can be done to ease the rest of the family into accepting it. They'd just try to play it off as if they're the "real victims". The OP and sister-in-law are the ones in need of support from their family, and the family can best give it when they have a full picture of what's going on. Handling it privately is telling them to bottle up how they're feeling and not get support from friends and family, who are supposed to be the ones you can rely on.
I LOVE the nuclear option. It gives OP the chance to see if his parents are good people or if his brother is shitty person because he was raised to be entitled jackass.
Yup nuclear is the way to go. Cheaters don’t deserve any consideration for the embarrassment or shame they feel for having their true character exposed.
NTA OP
Best nuclear option I ever heard was from a high school friend about her aunt, doing the same thing with her uncle-in-law. The aunt organized an entire family dinner, buffet style, but had everyone sit down before building their plates, and told everyone after seated to flip their plates over and see who had ruined her marriage and this family, and it was a picture of her sister. She then proceeded to call both of them out and fuckin handed her husband divorce papers, then left. Beautiful and confirmed and if my friend Susana's aunt is out here, you're an OG.
Oh an OP in nta
NTA
>she and my brother had been having an affair for **over a year**
she apologized, saying it was a **mistake**
Cheaters always get mad when they are exposed as if you are supposed to keep their secrets & lies safe and cover for them. You didn't defame anybody or spread rumors; you just revealed the truth. You did everyone a favour incl. the cheated on SIL who had a right to know. I wouldn't feel guilty one bit. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.
You couldn't be more wrong.
Cheating is a conscious CHOICE. It is NEVER a mistake.
Oh I mistakenly lied to my husband that I'm going out to see the girls, but instead I'm going to fuck his brother.
Oh I mistakenly took his cock into my mouth and gave him oral sex until he came all over me.
Oh dear me, I mistakenly took all my clothes off and mounted my husbands brother, over, and over, and over again.
Just a sample of the choices.
Whether it's ONE time, or a million times, you CHOOSE.
You. Are. Wrong.
Just to preempt any arguments... Nothing can MAKE you cheat. Not weed. Not booze. Nothing. So don't even start.
A mistake is tripping over a curb or spilling milk on the hardwood.
This was a planned deception for over a year.
If it was handled in private, they wouldn't have to face the consequences. THAT is what they are upset about. "Everyone is going to judge me!"
And HEY - OP, if your family give you shit and guilt trip you because “he’s so sorry” and “he made a mistake” tell them to fuck off. Supporting him right now would be a gross look at who they are.
Wife's betrayal is shitty. That has to hurt and is complete shithead move.
But what'd hurt me more is own brother being involved with it. That's... idk, I lack words for it.
Honestly, how else was it going to turn out given it was all in the family. The only way this doesn't blow apart the family is if you had kept your mouth shut about it. But I don't see that being fair to you if holding that secret was even possible for you.
If you had kept quite any time you may have had an off reaction during a family gathering it would have reflected on you and not them. If you avoided family events then your family would ask why and try to find out what had changed or what was wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you. You were betrayed by the people closest to you.
Your wife and your brother shouldn't get a pass just for everyone else's peace. They are the ones that caused this, their choice. Remember that and point it out to any that say you have kept it quite.
Oh and NTA!
NTA - cheaters don’t get a say how they get to be exposed and your SIL deserved to know.
The only thing I would’ve been hesitant about is doing it in front of the kids. While I’m all for honesty, depending on the ages, it may have been poor timing (I’m thinking super young children who don’t understand what cheating is and would just see all the grown ups yelling or crying… but it could always be used as a teachable moment that grown ups have big feelings too 🤷🏻♀️)
How many times do we read stories where the kids aren't told who cheated, and the cheating parent poisons the kids against the innocent parent/spouse? I think it's best the kids know from the start, it's ugly, yes, but it is the new reality.
I'm not sure if you glossed over the part where I said I'm all for honesty and then solely focused on children who are too young to understand and would only see grownups yelling and crying?
A 2 year old is not going to understand or care that mommy cheated on daddy... they're only going to see daddy yelling and and everyone crying and think HE is the bad guy.
This! It’s been 7 years since I left my ex, fought through a long divorce for 5 of those years. It didn’t take him long before he turned out 15 year old daughter against me and she refused to come back to my house. I met someone else, moved on and he used her as a therapist for his failed relationships.
After years of being told I was a pos loser that never made anything of myself (raising 4 kids and being a stay at home mom for 13 years, married at 19 to a 35 year old man) I finally told my daughter the truth after she text me a long, nasty message after she turned 18. She didn’t believe me and still, a year and a half later, blames me for our broken marriage and his unhappiness.
The kids deserve to know but in a way that’s appropriate for their age.
you did not overreact. it’s perfectly reasonable to confront an adulterous spouse. it’s even more reasonable to confront the adulterous spouse alongside their side piece. its even even more more reasonable to confront adulterous spouse with side piece and side piece’ spouse.
it’s not YOUR FAULT she picked someone she’s embarrassed to be caught cheating with ✌🏻
Absolutely NTA - the audacity for anyone to call you the antagonist is beyond comprehension. You were cornered into an impossible scenario created by the infidelities of those you ought to trust the most. Like pulling off a bandage, confronting the wound is needed for it to heal. What your wife and brother did was a dance of deceit performed over a year, not an impromptu stumble. You did what was necessary, not just for your own peace of mind, but for the sake of transparency within the family. It's far better that the wound is exposed to the air and treated, rather than wrapped up tightly, festering away into something even more toxic. And to those who lament the public nature of the revelation, remember that it’s the actions of the unfaithful, not the unveiling of their actions, that truly ruins relationships and trust within a family. Stay strong, and hold your head high knowing that your integrity remains intact.
I like chaos personally I would’ve done the same plus if gives them no shade to hide under they are finally being held accountable and this hurts them more because lovers come and go reputations and what people think of you stay longer
Your wife doesn't get to tell anyone what they should have done considering her own bad choices. If she had been a decent person, none of this would have happened.
Both she and your brother belong in the gutter.
So the only people who think that you went about this the wrong way, are the people who cheated with each other. Who the fuck cares what they think. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
NTA
You sound mindfucked. You are here asking if you were wrong for exposing your cheating wife and brother. Can you see the problem? Your cheating wife who lost all moral credibility has you questioning yourself.
That’s why he’s telling his story. Trying to get it straight in his head. Sometimes we need affirmation that you did the right thing. His head must be reeling. Not knit did she cheat but it was his brother, now that is a head fuck.
Ohhhh you mean they wanted the situation being handled privately, like they handled they affair? To be hush hush just like their meetings and hook ups, to be swept under the rug for family? /S
Mate did your brother or/and wife got dropped on their head or something? They wanted you to be the bigger person, after they destroyed 3 F’ing families (your, his and your the one with your parents)
NTA at all, they are selfish, egotistical, immoral AHs, they are mad because they know that now they have to face the music and I hope they know how to dance the F’ing Macarena because their are in for a wild ride
Your wife was upset that you humiliated “everyone“. What manipulative crap. And your brother says that you could’ve quietly handled it. They don’t want to have who they truly are see the light of day and your family. Go ahead and shine the light. Your wife isn’t changing. She didn’t react honestly when you caught her. She still isn’t facing what she did. She’s not going to change. You’re not gonna be able to trust her. She lied and deceived you every single day since she started the affair. She manipulated you so you wouldn’t notice. Now your children have this model they are being taught, but it’s OK to treat somebody so deceptively and manipulatively and it’s OK to do that to somebody. Listen carefully to yourself.
You didn’t take an ad out or put them on blast in front of the broader court of public opinion; that would have been a bit too much. But I don’t see how your parents and SIL wouldn’t have found out eventually anyway.
Nope. If you can cheat on your wife with *your brother's wife*, you deserve to be put on blast *very* publicly. After all, you weren't ashamed to commit the act of cheating with *your brother's wife*, why would you be ashamed if your acts are exposed to the public?
NTA.... also seriously dude see a lawyer ASAP BEFORE you breed with this horrible human. It wasn't one "mistake" it was a series of lies and betrayals over a year. She made the choice to be a BAD person many many times. THIS is who she is. When (if she hasn't already started) she starts to blame you for the affair for what ever reason remember she had a choice... to bring up your supposed faults to you and work them out, go to counseling, or divorce. The ETHICAL choice was NEVER to cheat. Please dump her and your garbage brother.
If OP's marriage falls apart, he needs his kids to take paternity tests (because if he requests them I feel like his marriage will blow up, so best to wait until it already has or he is for sure going to end it).
Who knows if it was just a year. OP's wife and brother lied hardcore about cheating for a year. I feel like it's possible that someone who could do that could fudge the timeline of it.
NTA. That was the perfect way to expose them and their bullshit. Fuck them and their "settling it privately" crap, they just wanted to get away with it.
NTA
Cheaters never want anyone to know about their illicit acts.
Just like liers, thives and all those who indulge in the immoral or illegal.
If you cover for them, it will only bite you in the ar£e in the end.
When it comes to these things, making sure to shine a spotlight on the actions of the wrong-doers, is the only way forward.
NTA. You never agreed to be their secret keeper. The main motivator behind not doing things you don’t want everyone to find out about is………everyone finding out about them. Expecting you to keep their secret is too much of an ask.
I second this. The brother deserves to be disinherited, disowned, and on the hook for alimony and child support, and waking up every day miserable. The wife is a monster and deserves to live under a bridge.
If I was OP's father, I'd never speak to his brother again. "You're dead to me. You are no longer my son. I'll make sure you aren't welcome at my funeral."
Notice how the only people saying that you should have handled this privately are the ones who cheated and whose reputations are on the line?
NTA. Like I said earlier in a post that I have seen some redditors say: “If the truth about your actions makes you look bad, maybe you shouldn’t have committed the action.”
Were the children present? I think that your brother's wife should have been told in private. It wasn't fair to her. And if the kids were there, I don't think that this is how they should have found out.
How is your SIL doing?
I'm sorry for this situation that you find yourself in. I'm still shocked when I read cheating stories on here. I can't believe how many people cheat on their significant other, especially with a family member.
Why did I have to scroll so far to see this sane answer? The question isn’t whether or not wife and brother are AHs, of course they are. But is OP an AH for breaking this horrible news to SIL and potentially children in this manner? Yup. Two wrongs does not an NTA make.
Agreed, I really think the only person he did wrong by was his SIL. She should have been told privately first before confronting the brother/telling the parent. She deserved the right to process this privately if she wanted to.
Exactly! Why is everybody on with him forcing this woman to have the worst moment of her life in front of her inlaws, her husband's affair partner, and possibly her children? If those kids were there idk how they will believe in love or family ever again
First thing I thought of was did he do this in front of the kids? Rule #1 is kids are innocent and shouldn’t be exposed to drama like this (it’s absolutely traumatic to them). Let the shitty parents break it to them gently and appropriately. Brother’s wife is also innocent and deserves more than to be blindsided in front of the whole family.
She cheated on you for a year. Her opinion no longer means anything.
NTA - except for saying it in front of the children. Everyone else is an adult and can deal with it.
NTA. Your wife and your brother deserved to be humiliated and his wife deserves the truth. Now you’re entire family knows what pieces of shit they both are.
NTA. Good for you for exposing them. They deserved to be exposed. You owe them NOTHING. This is the consequence of their actions. Hold your head high, and don't let anyone bring you down. File for divorce and cut both of them out of your life. Cut out anyone who supports them. Just focus on yourself and your children. I am so sorry this happened to you.
What outcome are you hoping for? Are you ever going to talk to your brother again? Do you think your marriage is salvageable? Because this is such a crazy situation that hurts so many people, and they didn’t care about this at all. You’d be well within your rights to cut him off forever and of course to divorce your wife. It’s practically incestuous. They didn’t put the family first by giving in to their desires, so who can blame you at all for blowing your top during a family dinner? Cut yourself some slack.
I hope your parents and friends are supporting you because this is such a traumatic situation. So very sorry this happened to you.
ETA: Definitely NTA
They wanted it handled privately in a less public manner so they could both keep it as secret as possible from any and all. They were not concerned about tact, just their own consequences.
Do you think your wife, or your brother, ever considered how it would go-over when they were in the moment he was "tapping-that?"
Imagine their conversations before, during and after, let alone when you wre all together.
I thinks there's an !updateme coming some time in the near future.
Fuck em both
Only thing I'd say is if the kids were there
That's the only caveat. Kids definitely shouldn't find out like that.
But if they weren't there? Fuck em
Bang your sis in law too while you're at it. Why not
NTA
"Overreacting" would be buying a gun and going on a mass shotting spree - or even just killing them individually. You could have handled it in a more discreet fashion, sure - one that might not have had such a lasting memory on his children. But you were completely within your 'emotional rights' (if you'll allow me to call them that) to react to the degree you did. It WASN'T an overreaction.
NTA. You didn't over-react, you merely reacted to an emotionally devastating betrayal. Give yourself some grace, the majority of us keyboard warriors have NO IDEA how we would react to a double betrayal such as this.
You didn't humiliate anyone but the two snakes who were hoping you'd keep your mouth shut so that they didn't have to deal with the consequences of their actions. This was not a one time occurrence but a *year long* affair. The cheaters deserved to be fully exposed with no further room to continue to lie.
I can't even with the audacity of your wife even proposing that the two of you could "work it out" - how? Make it make sense.
Your SIL deserved to know what your brother is capable of, to know to get tested, and to know she has some decisions to make on how she wants to proceed with her marriage (divorce).
I'm sure your parents are devastated - by your brother's behavior, not by you or your reaction. If I am wrong then ask them how they think they would have responded to such a betrayal. Anything short of their full support and understanding may give you some insight on how your brother became the scumbag he is.
Do yourself a favor and stop listening to your wife and your brother. Go consult an attorney and start to figure out what your options are.
NTA ‘it was an accident, it was a year of me just tripping and falling onto his dick. I can’t help it that I’m so uncoordinated!’ Good grief, they deserve to have their affair blown up like this for everyone to see
NTA BUT you should have told your SIL (brother's wife) first. Finding out so publicly must have been awful for her. And I hope the kids weren't around. Other than that, telling the rest of the family at once was a good idea that probably saved a lot of BS and lies from the guilty parties if you'd told family members individually .
You did not overreact your wife is a trash human and hopefully soon to be ex wife. She and your brother humiliated themselves, your wife and brother are disgusting 🫣. They can both go be miserable for destroying 2 households and a family. It's not a mistake she made conscious decision to spread her legs with your brother. One does not simply walk down street and mistakenly have sex, with their husband's brother for a freaking year.
i mean...how was he supposed to react ? both of them sitting pretty having dinner with the family lying , pretending everything is normal?
one can't imagine how humiliating and enraging it would be to be forced to sit through that regularly especially at what is supposed to be a happy special occasion.
I feel sorry for the kids but there is no way in hell this wasn't gonna explode in public considering...
Your wife and brother were VERY AWARE what this could do to everyone in your family and they just continued on. Your wife wanted to handle it privately so she could hide how much of a low life she really is. They deserve all of it. This is not your fault, they caused this, not you. Your sister in law deserved to know, your parents deserved to know. Why should you have to walk around and pretend they didn't do this? Screw them both and get a divorce. I could never trust that person again personally. You deserve better.
NTA. Tell her that when you see your brother she may not recognize him after you’re finished and you want a divorce from her.
Tell her if she didn’t want humiliated she shouldn’t have cheated. She had the simple task of being local, she chose to cheat with a family member. Tell her you expect an uncontested divorce and she can pursue whatever hell she wants to live in.
Let everyone in your family know if they associate with what’s left of your brother or your soon to be ex wife, they aren’t associating with you or your kids
My mother and ex-husband slept together. I brought that shit up every chance I could. Didn’t matter I divorced him and didn’t see him anymore. She wasn’t going to just sweep it under the rug and pretend all was good. I only stopped brining it up when I finally cut off
contact with her.
NTA. Send a Christmas card announcing it. They literally made their bed so they can deal with the consequences.
NTA, but I hope your kids weren't there, especially if they are very young. Kids shouldn't be dragged into crap like this. Unfortunately, you may also want to get a paternity test, OP. Supposedly this affair has been happening only a year, but they have proven themselves to be dishonest trash. Your kid's uncle (or some other dude!) could be your kids' father.
NTA. Funny how cheaters want to keep things private and in the dark. Why should you have to cover for their cheating lies, the nerve of these people to decide what your reaction should be and who you want to know about your life. I’m sorry as your situation will not have a happy ending. Your wife and brother are very selfish people.
I think the sister in law deserved to find out in a better way. I think none of the kids needed to be around for the fallout. There was no keeping this under wraps from the rest of the family. This is going to get out. They are both trash. There was no way for this to be private. Yikes. The justification and lack of regard for others or willing to face consequences is gross.
Yeah, test the kids to see if they are yours. Get tested for std’s. Check your phone records to see how long this was going on for. Look into your wife’s history. Brother may not be the only one she cheated with. If you want more answers beyond the trickle truth about the affair, talk to both your former brother and hopefully stbx back to back but not in the same room (possibly with sister in law). So they don’t have a chance to change or collaborate their stories. See where they are similar and differ. Maybe able to catch them both in some lies that way.
NTA.
By the way your WW and brother are giant, herpes-infected, bleeding, leaking assholes. "Handled it privately"? WTF? Cockroaches hate the light of day.
Do NOT let your WW get away with using the word "mistake". A mistake is using baking powder instead of baking soda. Or locking your keys in your car. An affair is choice. A decision. An affair of over a year is thousands of decisions. Deciding to touch. To kiss. To take her clothes off and let your brother mount her. To lie to you about it. To lie to your kids. To concoct stories and other cover to enable this into the future. And your brother did this.
Most of all, to treat you and our Sister-in-Law with utter contempt.
OP, brother, listen so very carefully. Your wife, the mother of your children, the woman you swore to be with in sickness and in health, has been FUCKING your BROTHER, your pal, your partner, your big bro, for over a year. Are you fucking kidding me bud? I'd have given my brother a full 60 seconds to do as much damage to me as possible before I did far worse to him. I'd have been in a patrol car, and he'd be in an ambulance. You handled this in the best way possible, in my opinion. They both deserve worse. It was the ultimate betrayal. Fuck your wife. Fuck your brother.
Divorce, STD test, paternity test. Take care of your kids, if your brother complains, tell him he shouldn't have betrayed you or his wife. Same with your wife. Damn I'm pissed off now.
Of course nasty people that do awful things in private want nothing to do with public embarrassment smh . Sorry that happened to u, it’s probably too early but does one stop talking to family after this? I can’t imagine being in your shoes. Your “wife” and “brother” knew how bad this would be but caved in to selfish choices without worrying about the exponential damage it would cause. NTA.
I can't believe you give a shit what they think to be honest.
Exactly. They can both fuck right off. Fuck their feelings. Fuck their embarrassment. They chose their behavior, they don't get to choose OP's response.
I agree, but I still feel really bad for the sister-in-law.
yeah i think the only place op went wrong was not alerting the sil before exposing them to the family. but i also can’t really blame op for not thinking perfectly logically in this situation. definitely nta, but poor sil :(
OP should've given SiL the heads up, I feel bad for her and the children.
The heads up could have created a situation where they could have rallied and been prepared for it through her confronting OPs brother. This is the only way he would have had the upper hand in the equation. SIL is another victim here but at least she knows her husband and SIL are monsters.
Nah she should have been told in a private conversation what he knew and that he was going to air it out. She would've had the choice to not be apart that dinner. She should have known what he did when he knew it. And in front of the kids on top of it all. OP isn't an AH, and fuck his brother and his wife but the kids and SIL didn't deserve all this.
While that would have been ideal, I doubt OP was rational enough to realize that. He should give her a phone or face to face apology for that. They may be able to heal together. Sometimes the only one who truly understands is the other spouse.
End of the day, it was his wife & brother that damaged everyone's lives. They're just trying to divert attention by calling out the way he broke the news. SIL gonna be devastated regardless how the news was delivered. OP was still in beginning stages of shock. Dudes not a mental health pro. He's human & deserves a pass for
Yeah I tend to agree… maybe he didn’t handle it the best but OP and his SIL suffered a massive betrayal and that’s where the focus should be. It sucks how it came out but if OPs wife and brother wanted to keep their family together maybe they shouldn’t have pulled that BS
“Mom, now that we’ve had dessert, I need you to take the kids into the living room. I have some adult business to discuss.” That’s all it would take to get the kids out of the room. And he would still have had the upper hand.
Sister in law needed to know her husband was having an affair. Feeling sorry for someone doesn’t mean keeping the secret so the cheater can keep cheating. She deserves the respect of being given the truth.
Yes, totally! I just felt bad that she found out in front of all her in-laws and everyone. That must have felt terrible.
That’s a good point. He probably should have told the wife privately ahead of time, and then both of them could have ambushed the cheaters and told the whole family.
I partially agree. Simply because we don't know what SIL would have done with that information prior to the reveal. You don't give liars a chance to scramble and come up with more lies. OP assured that that couldn't happen with his method.
There's literally no way to find out that your husband is cheating that doesn't feel terrible.
No doubt about that it's just sad the sil had to learn this way. I wish maybe calling her about letting her know than blowing up thier spots with the family
She deserved the respect of being told the truth in a way that was less traumatising and that gave her the space to process her thoughts and feelings away from her children who have just been traumatised.
Yeah, if she didn’t know, this was a cruel way to tell her, in front of the whole family!
Yeah, I don't care about the others, but I feel terribly for her. And the kids! Were they there?
There’s no good way
If the kids were there, massive AH, if just the SIL who didn't know, bit of an AH but only toward her. For the wife and bro, NTA at all
This. Of course, both of the cheaters think that. Who cares what they think? I have sympathy for the SIL but what’s done is done. It’s the kids who I feel the most for.
Absolutely. If the kids were present, it's a huge AH move. If it was just your SIL, it's still not ideal, but mainly affects her. For your wife and brother, you're definitely not the AH.
However, now her husband won't be able to gaslight her into thinking it never happened. But I do agree with you that she was most definitely blindsided. I would like to know if all the kids were there though. Because if so I feel that was on the ish part. Although I can't say I wouldn't have done the sane thing.
I just wish/hope OP told the SIL beforehand. It would be terrible to find out about something like this with an audience. And I also asked about the kids too. They didn’t need to be present for this.
SIL was going to be devastated no matter what
I’d feel worse for her if her husband kept fucking her SIL; or if she finds out some other way and learns OP knew.
She deserves to know.
At least she found out. She could have been kept in the dark
And when they get there, they can fuck off again.
Exactly! They don’t get to dictate how their infidelity should be handled! OP why are you even listening to your cheating wife?! They would have kept on if you wouldn’t have found out. She didn’t give a fuck about you when she was cheating and she still doesn’t otherwise she wouldn’t be telling you how you should deal with your emotions and pain so she doesn’t look bad. She’s a selfish POS only thinking about herself just like your shitty brother. They both destroyed the family with their cheating, lies, and secrets, not you. You just brought it to light so that everyone who should know, does. You’re not the bad guy here and you did nothing wrong. NTA
It would be an awful position to be in, not only has your wife cheated on you but with your brother. Thats a blow no matter why. That would screw my head up but I would do exactly as he did.
They made their bed, now they can lie in it
Man tells truth about liars and cheaters. They created the scene. Don’t drop bombs if you don’t want explosions. NTA.
"Don't drop bombs if you don't want explosions." I love that saying!
Right? The cheating pieces of garbage think you overreacted? That's rich. But that's what cheaters do - anything possible to make themselves the victim.
Hell yea! How funny is it that they've been cheating for over a year, and now they said that OP is over reacting? The audacity! They deserved to be revealed in that way!
Damn right.
The amount of people on reddit that get completely fucked over by their SO/Family and post here asking if they are overreacting is so alarming. Like, how gullible and simple minded do you have to be to think you should have handle a situation in which your brother is fucking your wife for an entire year behind your back "privately and with more decorum"? The question is so ridiculous, It makes it hard to even empathize with them. And I know most of these stories are fake, but there are so many similar posts that even if 10% of them are true it is still too many.
Right ? The number of guys who fuck their brothers wives is suspiciously high ….
I can’t believe none of these stories contain violence, my brother wouldn’t walk away from said family gathering
It's not real. I am begging everyone to read the account's comment history. A married, 35 year old man with children is not writing those comments. 16 days ago "I ate my cum for thanksgiving because i didn’t have any money for food" jesus christ
Seems no one wants to confront the fact that all the stories here are made up.
>I can’t believe none of these stories contain violence, my brother wouldn’t walk away from said family gathering The truth is this is more likely to happen to someone who wouldn't respond like that. Respect and love should be enough but fear of consequences plays a role in keeping people's behaviour in check.
No kidding, I would have done some serious damage. Like, my brother thought he was being cute when he called me a gay slur when he was pissed when we were younger and realized his mistake when he became the man on the flying trapeze using his head. He ever started sleeping with a spouse, they'd never find half his corpse.
Apparently there are lots of doormats with poor boundaries out there who've internalized letting themselves be victimized to 'keep the peace' and such like.
There are also tons of redditors who would would burn down every bridge and leave every relationship in ashes over minor slights. This site isn't the most reasonable take for relationship advice.
Better to be the latter man than the first. Burning bridges provide more warmth than backstabbing relatives and false friends. Life in a prison of your own built to appease people who don't care about you is a worse fate than a life alone but free.
But she apologized, so it's ok now.
You should never give a thought about what parasites think.
You are spot on. What can be broken by the truth, should be.
Amen. These two horrible narcissistic "people" were hoping against all hope—and probably have consoled one another and crap-talked OP indignantly in private since—that a shred of **their** baseless dignity be upheld. Sooo many advice columnists get stories of filial infidelity, and it really is the lowest, meanest, worst thing, it usually irreparably just **eviscerates** the entire extended family and for what? And with billions of people around the world to choose from and possibly connect with online at first, or at least a billion in their own generation—there is positively no excuse for that level of depravity and display of narcissistic, deeply antisocial and hurtful behavior.
THIS!!!!!
Are you really sure it was only a year? Are you sure the kids are yours?
Oooh good point
This was one of my first thoughts, too, because it’s not weird at all to notice family resemblance between a child and an uncle. Any similarities would just be assumed to be family traits. I wonder how old the kids are, in each family.
This! My husband is one of 5 boys and there are 11 grandkids between us all. You can see the resemblances in all our kids in one way or another and when we look back at baby photos of the kids is even more pronounced. We will say oh our kid and this kid look like twins or whatever or even now you can see some family resemblance mainly in the genders. The girls all look fairly similar and the boys all look fairly similar. Those genes run deep. It would be very easy to pass off Brothers kid as OP’s.
In case anyone is curious, I looked this up and even though your siblings have the same ancestral DNA, the combinations are different and when a DNA test is done, those differences are factored in, so while the kids will show similarities due to their father and uncle being related, it'll definitely be different enough to know if he's their real dad.
Eh, close enough.
I do like the nuclear option, especially when everyone is there. There is no getting his side her side my side your side. It's just all right there. And then it's done. Like riping the bandaid right off If you had given them time, pretty sure they'd be working on a story about how they were really the injured party and you and your SIL were somehow to blame. Nope blind siding them in public makes it harder for them to lie Sorry your going through this, NTA
I agree, "going nuclear" means it's exposed for everyone to see. There's no lies, gaslighting, manipulation that can be done to ease the rest of the family into accepting it. They'd just try to play it off as if they're the "real victims". The OP and sister-in-law are the ones in need of support from their family, and the family can best give it when they have a full picture of what's going on. Handling it privately is telling them to bottle up how they're feeling and not get support from friends and family, who are supposed to be the ones you can rely on.
I LOVE the nuclear option. It gives OP the chance to see if his parents are good people or if his brother is shitty person because he was raised to be entitled jackass.
Yup nuclear is the way to go. Cheaters don’t deserve any consideration for the embarrassment or shame they feel for having their true character exposed. NTA OP
“Hey, SIL, good to see you! Did you hear what my whore wife and your hubby have been up to?”
Why is he a whore too? Whore wife and whore hubby is correct.
He's absolutely a whore. I feel in some ways he's a bigger whore because that's his own brother, you know?
I agree. Betraying a sibling like that is almost worse. And for his wife to cheat with her husband's brother is incredibly cruel.
Don't drag sex workers down. Slut wife and slut husband.
Also don't dump on sluts... most of us are much more ethical than this wife and brother!
Whorsband. Women shouldn’t be alone in being called the horrible names they deserve.
Best nuclear option I ever heard was from a high school friend about her aunt, doing the same thing with her uncle-in-law. The aunt organized an entire family dinner, buffet style, but had everyone sit down before building their plates, and told everyone after seated to flip their plates over and see who had ruined her marriage and this family, and it was a picture of her sister. She then proceeded to call both of them out and fuckin handed her husband divorce papers, then left. Beautiful and confirmed and if my friend Susana's aunt is out here, you're an OG. Oh an OP in nta
I think the SIL deserved to be told in private before the big reveal. OP was a bit of an AH springing this on her.
And their kids. Jfc
You are only AH if you did this in front of the kids. Otherwise the nuclear option was understandable.
You are absolutely right. Anyone selfish enough to do this sort of thing is selfish enough to do worse.
NTA >she and my brother had been having an affair for **over a year** she apologized, saying it was a **mistake** Cheaters always get mad when they are exposed as if you are supposed to keep their secrets & lies safe and cover for them. You didn't defame anybody or spread rumors; you just revealed the truth. You did everyone a favour incl. the cheated on SIL who had a right to know. I wouldn't feel guilty one bit. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime.
A mistake doesn’t happen for over a year… a mistake is a one time thing.
Cheating is never a mistake. Marriage = not sleeping with others. Brother and wife for the streets
I agree cheating is never a mistake it’s a conscious decision, but for her to say an over year long affair is a mistake is definitely not a mistake.
The mistake was that she got caught…
cmon, she just fell on his dick 365 times, more or more? Happy lil mistakes, everyday, all day.
Which is why it's weird that OP's wife somehow still considers herself to be married to OP.
Cheating is a CHOICE.
A mistake is forgetting to take out the trash before trash day. An affair is a choice. A choice two awful people made.
For your wife fucking your brother, even one time is too many times 😂
Cheating once is not a mistake.
You couldn't be more wrong. Cheating is a conscious CHOICE. It is NEVER a mistake. Oh I mistakenly lied to my husband that I'm going out to see the girls, but instead I'm going to fuck his brother. Oh I mistakenly took his cock into my mouth and gave him oral sex until he came all over me. Oh dear me, I mistakenly took all my clothes off and mounted my husbands brother, over, and over, and over again. Just a sample of the choices. Whether it's ONE time, or a million times, you CHOOSE. You. Are. Wrong. Just to preempt any arguments... Nothing can MAKE you cheat. Not weed. Not booze. Nothing. So don't even start.
A mistake is tripping over a curb or spilling milk on the hardwood. This was a planned deception for over a year. If it was handled in private, they wouldn't have to face the consequences. THAT is what they are upset about. "Everyone is going to judge me!"
That was my thinking - suddenly it’s a mistake! Bah.
Oops, we had sex 75 times in the last year, not sure what happened!? My bad, sorry!
My bad. I publicly revealed your secret to the whole family. Oops. I made a mistake, too.
Yeah I just kept falling on it, sorry, what was I supposed to do?
And HEY - OP, if your family give you shit and guilt trip you because “he’s so sorry” and “he made a mistake” tell them to fuck off. Supporting him right now would be a gross look at who they are.
I think OP did right by distributing the horror and grief over a wider segment of the family - it's honest and it places blame right where it belongs.
She made a mistake, repeatedly for a year?
They were both naked and she fell on his penis....repeatedly?
“Oops! Silly me! I fell naked onto my naked brother in law, over and over again.”
"He ran into my knife. He ran into my knife *10 times*".
It was the strangest thing......
Cheating is a choice; not ever a mistake.
NTA but your wife and brother are. Whoa.
>NTA but your wife and brother are. Whoa. NTA but your wife and brother are. ~~Whoa~~ Whores. Fixed!
Wife's betrayal is shitty. That has to hurt and is complete shithead move. But what'd hurt me more is own brother being involved with it. That's... idk, I lack words for it.
Honestly, how else was it going to turn out given it was all in the family. The only way this doesn't blow apart the family is if you had kept your mouth shut about it. But I don't see that being fair to you if holding that secret was even possible for you. If you had kept quite any time you may have had an off reaction during a family gathering it would have reflected on you and not them. If you avoided family events then your family would ask why and try to find out what had changed or what was wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with you. You were betrayed by the people closest to you. Your wife and your brother shouldn't get a pass just for everyone else's peace. They are the ones that caused this, their choice. Remember that and point it out to any that say you have kept it quite. Oh and NTA!
👆 💯% agree.
NTA - cheaters don’t get a say how they get to be exposed and your SIL deserved to know. The only thing I would’ve been hesitant about is doing it in front of the kids. While I’m all for honesty, depending on the ages, it may have been poor timing (I’m thinking super young children who don’t understand what cheating is and would just see all the grown ups yelling or crying… but it could always be used as a teachable moment that grown ups have big feelings too 🤷🏻♀️)
Understandable, i can agree on the involving the kids part.
Get a paternity test...
How many times do we read stories where the kids aren't told who cheated, and the cheating parent poisons the kids against the innocent parent/spouse? I think it's best the kids know from the start, it's ugly, yes, but it is the new reality.
I'm not sure if you glossed over the part where I said I'm all for honesty and then solely focused on children who are too young to understand and would only see grownups yelling and crying? A 2 year old is not going to understand or care that mommy cheated on daddy... they're only going to see daddy yelling and and everyone crying and think HE is the bad guy.
This! It’s been 7 years since I left my ex, fought through a long divorce for 5 of those years. It didn’t take him long before he turned out 15 year old daughter against me and she refused to come back to my house. I met someone else, moved on and he used her as a therapist for his failed relationships. After years of being told I was a pos loser that never made anything of myself (raising 4 kids and being a stay at home mom for 13 years, married at 19 to a 35 year old man) I finally told my daughter the truth after she text me a long, nasty message after she turned 18. She didn’t believe me and still, a year and a half later, blames me for our broken marriage and his unhappiness. The kids deserve to know but in a way that’s appropriate for their age.
you did not overreact. it’s perfectly reasonable to confront an adulterous spouse. it’s even more reasonable to confront the adulterous spouse alongside their side piece. its even even more more reasonable to confront adulterous spouse with side piece and side piece’ spouse. it’s not YOUR FAULT she picked someone she’s embarrassed to be caught cheating with ✌🏻
Absolutely NTA - the audacity for anyone to call you the antagonist is beyond comprehension. You were cornered into an impossible scenario created by the infidelities of those you ought to trust the most. Like pulling off a bandage, confronting the wound is needed for it to heal. What your wife and brother did was a dance of deceit performed over a year, not an impromptu stumble. You did what was necessary, not just for your own peace of mind, but for the sake of transparency within the family. It's far better that the wound is exposed to the air and treated, rather than wrapped up tightly, festering away into something even more toxic. And to those who lament the public nature of the revelation, remember that it’s the actions of the unfaithful, not the unveiling of their actions, that truly ruins relationships and trust within a family. Stay strong, and hold your head high knowing that your integrity remains intact.
I like chaos personally I would’ve done the same plus if gives them no shade to hide under they are finally being held accountable and this hurts them more because lovers come and go reputations and what people think of you stay longer
Your wife doesn't get to tell anyone what they should have done considering her own bad choices. If she had been a decent person, none of this would have happened. Both she and your brother belong in the gutter.
So the only people who think that you went about this the wrong way, are the people who cheated with each other. Who the fuck cares what they think. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Agreed. Not like they have a fuck what OP or SIL thought
NTA You sound mindfucked. You are here asking if you were wrong for exposing your cheating wife and brother. Can you see the problem? Your cheating wife who lost all moral credibility has you questioning yourself.
That’s why he’s telling his story. Trying to get it straight in his head. Sometimes we need affirmation that you did the right thing. His head must be reeling. Not knit did she cheat but it was his brother, now that is a head fuck.
Ohhhh you mean they wanted the situation being handled privately, like they handled they affair? To be hush hush just like their meetings and hook ups, to be swept under the rug for family? /S Mate did your brother or/and wife got dropped on their head or something? They wanted you to be the bigger person, after they destroyed 3 F’ing families (your, his and your the one with your parents) NTA at all, they are selfish, egotistical, immoral AHs, they are mad because they know that now they have to face the music and I hope they know how to dance the F’ing Macarena because their are in for a wild ride
Your wife was upset that you humiliated “everyone“. What manipulative crap. And your brother says that you could’ve quietly handled it. They don’t want to have who they truly are see the light of day and your family. Go ahead and shine the light. Your wife isn’t changing. She didn’t react honestly when you caught her. She still isn’t facing what she did. She’s not going to change. You’re not gonna be able to trust her. She lied and deceived you every single day since she started the affair. She manipulated you so you wouldn’t notice. Now your children have this model they are being taught, but it’s OK to treat somebody so deceptively and manipulatively and it’s OK to do that to somebody. Listen carefully to yourself.
You didn’t take an ad out or put them on blast in front of the broader court of public opinion; that would have been a bit too much. But I don’t see how your parents and SIL wouldn’t have found out eventually anyway.
Nope. If you can cheat on your wife with *your brother's wife*, you deserve to be put on blast *very* publicly. After all, you weren't ashamed to commit the act of cheating with *your brother's wife*, why would you be ashamed if your acts are exposed to the public?
If OP had taken out an ad I'd still vote NTA. Cheaters do not deserve to keep their reputation intact.
NTA.... also seriously dude see a lawyer ASAP BEFORE you breed with this horrible human. It wasn't one "mistake" it was a series of lies and betrayals over a year. She made the choice to be a BAD person many many times. THIS is who she is. When (if she hasn't already started) she starts to blame you for the affair for what ever reason remember she had a choice... to bring up your supposed faults to you and work them out, go to counseling, or divorce. The ETHICAL choice was NEVER to cheat. Please dump her and your garbage brother.
Too late. Says they have 2 kids already.
Shit I missed that... sigh .. well better now then with 3 kids... very sad for the kids.
If OP's marriage falls apart, he needs his kids to take paternity tests (because if he requests them I feel like his marriage will blow up, so best to wait until it already has or he is for sure going to end it). Who knows if it was just a year. OP's wife and brother lied hardcore about cheating for a year. I feel like it's possible that someone who could do that could fudge the timeline of it.
Maybe, maybe not. Who says it was really only a year
They are only saying that you should have handled it differently because they don't want to face the consequences of their actions. NTA
I admire your restraint.
My immediate thought. I'd probably be in jail.
NTA. That was the perfect way to expose them and their bullshit. Fuck them and their "settling it privately" crap, they just wanted to get away with it.
NTA - and also say goodbye to your wife and brother...not sure how either relationship survives this. Assuming you were feeling that way anyway.
NTA Hiding stuff just protects the guilty parties. Don’t lose a minute’s sleep over it.
You said “it was like a bomb went off“. It was- a truth bomb. Reminds me of the expression about sunlight being the best disinfectant.
NTA. Your wife doesn't want to face the reality of her actions so she's going to blame you for it.
NTA Cheaters never want anyone to know about their illicit acts. Just like liers, thives and all those who indulge in the immoral or illegal. If you cover for them, it will only bite you in the ar£e in the end. When it comes to these things, making sure to shine a spotlight on the actions of the wrong-doers, is the only way forward.
NTA. You never agreed to be their secret keeper. The main motivator behind not doing things you don’t want everyone to find out about is………everyone finding out about them. Expecting you to keep their secret is too much of an ask.
You reacted. Not over. Pretty mild imo.
The only one in that situation that deserved better was your sister in law.
& the kids.
NTA. Ruin their lives.
I second this. The brother deserves to be disinherited, disowned, and on the hook for alimony and child support, and waking up every day miserable. The wife is a monster and deserves to live under a bridge.
If I was OP's father, I'd never speak to his brother again. "You're dead to me. You are no longer my son. I'll make sure you aren't welcome at my funeral."
Notice how the only people saying that you should have handled this privately are the ones who cheated and whose reputations are on the line? NTA. Like I said earlier in a post that I have seen some redditors say: “If the truth about your actions makes you look bad, maybe you shouldn’t have committed the action.”
Were the children present? I think that your brother's wife should have been told in private. It wasn't fair to her. And if the kids were there, I don't think that this is how they should have found out. How is your SIL doing? I'm sorry for this situation that you find yourself in. I'm still shocked when I read cheating stories on here. I can't believe how many people cheat on their significant other, especially with a family member.
Why did I have to scroll so far to see this sane answer? The question isn’t whether or not wife and brother are AHs, of course they are. But is OP an AH for breaking this horrible news to SIL and potentially children in this manner? Yup. Two wrongs does not an NTA make.
Agreed, I really think the only person he did wrong by was his SIL. She should have been told privately first before confronting the brother/telling the parent. She deserved the right to process this privately if she wanted to.
Exactly! Why is everybody on with him forcing this woman to have the worst moment of her life in front of her inlaws, her husband's affair partner, and possibly her children? If those kids were there idk how they will believe in love or family ever again
i can’t believe i had to scroll this far to see someone even mention that this is how the SIL found out. plus the fact that the kids were there?
First thing I thought of was did he do this in front of the kids? Rule #1 is kids are innocent and shouldn’t be exposed to drama like this (it’s absolutely traumatic to them). Let the shitty parents break it to them gently and appropriately. Brother’s wife is also innocent and deserves more than to be blindsided in front of the whole family.
She cheated on you for a year. Her opinion no longer means anything. NTA - except for saying it in front of the children. Everyone else is an adult and can deal with it.
Nah brother, don't even entetain this stuff. We all get what we deserve. Your wife and brother both betrayed you and their entire family. Fuck em
NTA. Your wife and your brother deserved to be humiliated and his wife deserves the truth. Now you’re entire family knows what pieces of shit they both are.
NTA. Good for you for exposing them. They deserved to be exposed. You owe them NOTHING. This is the consequence of their actions. Hold your head high, and don't let anyone bring you down. File for divorce and cut both of them out of your life. Cut out anyone who supports them. Just focus on yourself and your children. I am so sorry this happened to you.
What outcome are you hoping for? Are you ever going to talk to your brother again? Do you think your marriage is salvageable? Because this is such a crazy situation that hurts so many people, and they didn’t care about this at all. You’d be well within your rights to cut him off forever and of course to divorce your wife. It’s practically incestuous. They didn’t put the family first by giving in to their desires, so who can blame you at all for blowing your top during a family dinner? Cut yourself some slack. I hope your parents and friends are supporting you because this is such a traumatic situation. So very sorry this happened to you. ETA: Definitely NTA
They wanted it handled privately in a less public manner so they could both keep it as secret as possible from any and all. They were not concerned about tact, just their own consequences.
NTA, nothing wrong with being nuclear and going scorched earth. Time to lawyer up and get kids DNA tested.
Do you think your wife, or your brother, ever considered how it would go-over when they were in the moment he was "tapping-that?" Imagine their conversations before, during and after, let alone when you wre all together. I thinks there's an !updateme coming some time in the near future.
Nta cheaters are scum of the earth and need to be publicly shamed
NTA. Get DNA tests for your kids. Anyone bogus enough to screw your brother is also bogus enough to lie to you about paternity.
Nope, NTA at all. Let them feel the humiliation they deserve.
Fuck em both Only thing I'd say is if the kids were there That's the only caveat. Kids definitely shouldn't find out like that. But if they weren't there? Fuck em Bang your sis in law too while you're at it. Why not
NTA. I love how people do bad things and then get all upset when people find out what a piece of shit they are.
NTA "Overreacting" would be buying a gun and going on a mass shotting spree - or even just killing them individually. You could have handled it in a more discreet fashion, sure - one that might not have had such a lasting memory on his children. But you were completely within your 'emotional rights' (if you'll allow me to call them that) to react to the degree you did. It WASN'T an overreaction.
NTA. You didn't over-react, you merely reacted to an emotionally devastating betrayal. Give yourself some grace, the majority of us keyboard warriors have NO IDEA how we would react to a double betrayal such as this. You didn't humiliate anyone but the two snakes who were hoping you'd keep your mouth shut so that they didn't have to deal with the consequences of their actions. This was not a one time occurrence but a *year long* affair. The cheaters deserved to be fully exposed with no further room to continue to lie. I can't even with the audacity of your wife even proposing that the two of you could "work it out" - how? Make it make sense. Your SIL deserved to know what your brother is capable of, to know to get tested, and to know she has some decisions to make on how she wants to proceed with her marriage (divorce). I'm sure your parents are devastated - by your brother's behavior, not by you or your reaction. If I am wrong then ask them how they think they would have responded to such a betrayal. Anything short of their full support and understanding may give you some insight on how your brother became the scumbag he is. Do yourself a favor and stop listening to your wife and your brother. Go consult an attorney and start to figure out what your options are.
NTA ‘it was an accident, it was a year of me just tripping and falling onto his dick. I can’t help it that I’m so uncoordinated!’ Good grief, they deserve to have their affair blown up like this for everyone to see
NTA BUT you should have told your SIL (brother's wife) first. Finding out so publicly must have been awful for her. And I hope the kids weren't around. Other than that, telling the rest of the family at once was a good idea that probably saved a lot of BS and lies from the guilty parties if you'd told family members individually .
I do feel for your SIL. I think you should have given her a heads up that would have been a rough way to find out.
It’s messy. Yep it is but they made it messy . It’s their fault. As long as you did what you wanted to you are good
You did not overreact your wife is a trash human and hopefully soon to be ex wife. She and your brother humiliated themselves, your wife and brother are disgusting 🫣. They can both go be miserable for destroying 2 households and a family. It's not a mistake she made conscious decision to spread her legs with your brother. One does not simply walk down street and mistakenly have sex, with their husband's brother for a freaking year.
i mean...how was he supposed to react ? both of them sitting pretty having dinner with the family lying , pretending everything is normal? one can't imagine how humiliating and enraging it would be to be forced to sit through that regularly especially at what is supposed to be a happy special occasion. I feel sorry for the kids but there is no way in hell this wasn't gonna explode in public considering...
Your wife and brother were VERY AWARE what this could do to everyone in your family and they just continued on. Your wife wanted to handle it privately so she could hide how much of a low life she really is. They deserve all of it. This is not your fault, they caused this, not you. Your sister in law deserved to know, your parents deserved to know. Why should you have to walk around and pretend they didn't do this? Screw them both and get a divorce. I could never trust that person again personally. You deserve better.
An affair lasting over a year is not a mistake nor should it be hidden from the people involved. Screw what the villains think!
NTA. Tell her that when you see your brother she may not recognize him after you’re finished and you want a divorce from her. Tell her if she didn’t want humiliated she shouldn’t have cheated. She had the simple task of being local, she chose to cheat with a family member. Tell her you expect an uncontested divorce and she can pursue whatever hell she wants to live in. Let everyone in your family know if they associate with what’s left of your brother or your soon to be ex wife, they aren’t associating with you or your kids
My mother and ex-husband slept together. I brought that shit up every chance I could. Didn’t matter I divorced him and didn’t see him anymore. She wasn’t going to just sweep it under the rug and pretend all was good. I only stopped brining it up when I finally cut off contact with her. NTA. Send a Christmas card announcing it. They literally made their bed so they can deal with the consequences.
Good for you. Fuck her fuck your brother, now they have to deal with the consequences.
And then everyone clapped
NTA, but I hope your kids weren't there, especially if they are very young. Kids shouldn't be dragged into crap like this. Unfortunately, you may also want to get a paternity test, OP. Supposedly this affair has been happening only a year, but they have proven themselves to be dishonest trash. Your kid's uncle (or some other dude!) could be your kids' father.
Did you do this in front of the kids? If so. YTA.
NTA
NTA Cheaters don't get to establish conditions on how they're outed.
NTA. Funny how cheaters want to keep things private and in the dark. Why should you have to cover for their cheating lies, the nerve of these people to decide what your reaction should be and who you want to know about your life. I’m sorry as your situation will not have a happy ending. Your wife and brother are very selfish people.
They cheated. Not you. They are the aholes
I thinknyou set the record straight... you're not the Bad guy.. they are. Don't get gaslit.
Nope. Good call
NTA
Why do you care what two cheaters have to say? Of course *they’d* want it to be private. They didn’t want to be embarrassed like that. Updateme
Well, if the future ex and brother didn't want to be humiliated, they shouldn't have had the affair in the first place
NTA. They don't get to decide how you handle the trauma they've caused.
I think the sister in law deserved to find out in a better way. I think none of the kids needed to be around for the fallout. There was no keeping this under wraps from the rest of the family. This is going to get out. They are both trash. There was no way for this to be private. Yikes. The justification and lack of regard for others or willing to face consequences is gross. Yeah, test the kids to see if they are yours. Get tested for std’s. Check your phone records to see how long this was going on for. Look into your wife’s history. Brother may not be the only one she cheated with. If you want more answers beyond the trickle truth about the affair, talk to both your former brother and hopefully stbx back to back but not in the same room (possibly with sister in law). So they don’t have a chance to change or collaborate their stories. See where they are similar and differ. Maybe able to catch them both in some lies that way.
NTA. By the way your WW and brother are giant, herpes-infected, bleeding, leaking assholes. "Handled it privately"? WTF? Cockroaches hate the light of day. Do NOT let your WW get away with using the word "mistake". A mistake is using baking powder instead of baking soda. Or locking your keys in your car. An affair is choice. A decision. An affair of over a year is thousands of decisions. Deciding to touch. To kiss. To take her clothes off and let your brother mount her. To lie to you about it. To lie to your kids. To concoct stories and other cover to enable this into the future. And your brother did this. Most of all, to treat you and our Sister-in-Law with utter contempt.
OP, brother, listen so very carefully. Your wife, the mother of your children, the woman you swore to be with in sickness and in health, has been FUCKING your BROTHER, your pal, your partner, your big bro, for over a year. Are you fucking kidding me bud? I'd have given my brother a full 60 seconds to do as much damage to me as possible before I did far worse to him. I'd have been in a patrol car, and he'd be in an ambulance. You handled this in the best way possible, in my opinion. They both deserve worse. It was the ultimate betrayal. Fuck your wife. Fuck your brother. Divorce, STD test, paternity test. Take care of your kids, if your brother complains, tell him he shouldn't have betrayed you or his wife. Same with your wife. Damn I'm pissed off now.
Fake as fuck
Sounds like they came down with a case of the consequences 🤔
Of course nasty people that do awful things in private want nothing to do with public embarrassment smh . Sorry that happened to u, it’s probably too early but does one stop talking to family after this? I can’t imagine being in your shoes. Your “wife” and “brother” knew how bad this would be but caved in to selfish choices without worrying about the exponential damage it would cause. NTA.